Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 13, Episode 5 - Episode #13.5 - full transcript

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Haha!

No way!

Uh... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Urgh! Argh!

Uh...

Are you having a laugh?

ALL GASP

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

At its heart Taskmaster
is a warm show



which shines a playful light
on the strengths and weaknesses

of our comedian friends.

Ultimately it's just feel-good fun

that celebrates
what it is to be human,

what it is to be fallible.

That's the introduction
that Channel 4 signed off.

This is what I WAS gonna go with.

Come and laugh at the stupid clowns!

They can't do anything!

Laugh at them, make them feel
sorry for being bad at things!

Drive them from their homes!

Form an angry mob and drive them
from their actual homes!

LAUGHTER

Here they are now,
please welcome Ardal O'Hanlon!



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bridget Christie!

Chris Ramsey!

Judi Love!

And Sophie Duker!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man
who bravely confided in me recently

that he doesn't think
the NHS is very good,

and that some nurses are "lazy."

LAUGHTER

It's little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. All right.

I see, uh, from one glance

that you've taken my criticisms
of this banter section to heart.

Yes, I've made an effort, I've put
my gloves on, taking it serious.

Got one, got the other.

LAUGHTER
There we are.

Everything all right
with this hand?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, I've got another arm,

I've got another arm!

LAUGHTER
- Yeah.
- Do it again.

Uh, uh... Ooh!
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
Yeah, thank you.

I'm sort of annoyed
it is quite funny.

Would you please tell me
what the prize category is?

I would like to do that,
Mr Handsome.

Today they've been
asked to bring in

the most surprising thing
from their wardrobes. Hmm.

Yes, Greg will graciously bestow
five points upon the person

who's brought in
the most surprising thing,

and then the person who wins the
episode will take home five things

that'll make their wardrobe
even more surprising

than the one that had the
lion, witch and the wardrobe,

but not the wardrobe in it.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Yes, stick to the false hand
thing, probably.

LAUGHTER

Chris, you're up first.
What did you bring in?

A wetsuit.

OK, here it is.

And that's surprising...?

Cos I've never used it. LAUGHTER

I too have got a wetsuit,
you might be surprised to learn.

I look over nine months pregnant.

LAUGHTER

Chris, I've gotta be honest,

I'm not that surprised
you've got a wetsuit. Really?

Oh, you're a young strapping lad.

I would expect you to be,
uh, jumping in and out of...

I've never been in water with it.
Why did you buy it?

I drove over a bridge
and saw someone paddleboarding,

I went, "I'll do that,"

and I bought all the gear,
and couldn't get it on,

and I got frightened,
and I never did it.

Chris, I think you're
doing yourself down.

A, out of points, and B... LAUGHTER

..and B, out of your capacity
to be a water baby.

I think you'd be delightful.
Ardal. Ha! Water baby!

More surprising than a wetsuit?

Yeah, I think it is, actually.

I brought a red leather jacket...

..that's very squeaky.

Here is the squeaky red leather
jacket. Is it your leather jacket?

It is, I bought it about
ten years ago. Uh...

LAUGHTER

I was not expecting that.

I am quite surprised!
Have you ever worn it out, Ardal?

No, no. I've never even tried it on.

Oh, it's an act of madness,
is what it is.

Yeah, and at the time
I didn't know it squeaked.

And I, I really don't like
squeaky clothes.

He is famous for that.

Some day I'm going to get
to wear it.

I mean, if I'm elected...mayor.

Why don't you wear it for
the finale of this series?

Ardal, quite surprising.

Sophie, surprise me.

I brought in biscuits.

Biscuits.

This is hard for me to say.

I don't own a wardrobe.

Some of us are struggling.

LAUGHTER

I'm struggling to buy,

so, I moved into my room,
it was unfurnished.

And you can't afford a wardrobe?

I can now afford a wardrobe,
but I haven't yet made the purchase.

- OK.
- I'm a millennial.

We don't rush into... I've had to
buy a lot of brunch. I haven't.

If you don't have a wardrobe, where
did you get the biscuits out of?

I think you may have
misunderstood the task.

OK, so, I don't have wardrobe
but I have a sort of like, drawer.

- A drawer?
- It's like a window seat.

You know when you're in a room
and you're like,

there's no storage in here?

A chest. No, it's not a chest,
it's built into the window.

Oh, my God, I'm so bored. LAUGHTER

It's amazing!

For someone who's struggling,

they look like very
expensive biscuits.

They ARE expensive biscuits!

Yeah. You're surprised there are
nice biscuits in my fascinating...

I'm surprised, but not
for the right reasons.

Two left. Judi.

In my wardrobe, my surprising thing
was a nurse's outfit.

LAUGHTER

The thing is, obviously I do videos
and all kinds of stuff, so...

What do you mean?

LAUGHTER

Just to be clear,
cos Alex is quite naive.

No, like, sometime I dress up in
my, you know, little outfit,

and I play to myself,
and look in the mirror, and pump,

and save someone's life
in my imagination.

And, you know, create this whole
world of ER,

and all those kind of places.

It's like she's speaking in tongues,
isn't it? I don't know what to say.

I mean, you'd wanna come
and play, honestly.

It's...it's a beautiful...

LAUGHTER

Bridget, can you beat Judi's
surprising nurse outfit?

Well, I have brought in
an antique Japanese kimono.

I bought it specifically for you.

About 17 years ago I saw it
in a charity shop window,

and I thought
there's only one person I know

who's big enough to wear that.

So, I looked it up it's actually
worth thousands. I didn't realise.

And I think if you wore this,
this beautiful piece...

Yeah. You've had multiple opportunities

to find me and give me my gift.

You tell me, tell me then,
when I could've given you this.

You, you tell.
At any point in the last 17 years.

LAUGHTER
"Oh, hi, Greg..."

I'm not the Scarlet Pimpernel.
I live in London.

"Oh, remember me, from...?"
I put it to you...

No, I put it to you!
I put it to you.

Not only do I put it...
I, put it back to you,

that you bought that kimono
not realising it was expensive.

You were going to give it to me,

then you found out
it was worth something,

and you kept it for yourself!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I am horrified!

Don't clap! Don't clap him.

LAUGHTER

You're not surprised I got you a
kimono? I cannot believe it.

No, I am surprised.
I'm more surprised

that you haven't given it to me.

So, you're getting big surprise
points, for the wrong reasons.

Well, it didn't say in the task,

"Surprise him for
the right reason."

LAUGHTER

True again, true.
She makes a good point.

Yeah. Well do you wanna
hand out some points? Yes, I do.

I'm sorry, Chris,
I must give you one point.

OK, one point to Chris Ramsey. Oh!

You can thank me for two points,
for your weird biscuits.

Two to Sophie.

I'm not surprised you've
got a nurse's outfit.

You and I can talk that out later.
OK, you see?

Did you hear that, yeah?
Three points.

I am desperate
to see you in that red jacket,

I'm gonna give it four points.

And I think this is
a hollow victory,

because you surprised me
for the wrong reasons.

Nonetheless I'm surprised,
I'll give you the five.

There we go. Well, thank you.
Five points to Bridget Christie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd like to have a new task, please.

OK, well, we have a little taster
of a task, first of all.

An hor d'oeuvre, or a canape,

a titbit to get the juices flowing,

an appetiser, perhaps,
or an aperitif.

It's a... Do you wanna shut up?!

LAUGHTER

DISCORDANT PIANO MELODY

Hello, Alex.

There's something moving in there.

Oh.

"Make this key difficult
but possible to retrieve."

"You have ten minutes."

"And your time starts now."

Well, who's retrieving it?

Who do you think's
gonna retrieve it?

Well, I don't think you'd
pay for animals

to come and retrieve it,
cos they're expensive.

Is it difficult for someone else
to retrieve,

or difficult for me
to get it back?

All the information's
on the task.

There's no more information.

I'd like to go outside.

You'd like to go outside?
I think so. OK.

I mean, I could swallow it, but that
wouldn't be much fun. For anyone.

ALEX: It would be fun
for quite a lot of us.

Hmm. The retrieving part
wouldn't be much fun for you.

- That's true.
- Trust me.

Urgh! That was difficult.

How difficult is it to retrieve it?

It's...it's difficult.
If you're short....

You have a go.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't know what that is.
Can I have that? Yeah?

That's the key. Thank you.

Oh, you're going up it? Yeah.

Well, I know where it went
and I can't retrieve it.

But you reckon it's possible?
I reckon it's possible.

I'm just gonna...

Where's the key?

Ah. It was in my mouth.

LAUGHTER
The key is in the tree.

So, it's in a basket, in a tree,
and it's wet.

It's covered in my spit.

Tick. Yeah.

What's it, difficult to...?

But possible.

Is that it?

That is going in there.

So, that key is now difficult
but possible to retrieve.

I would... Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Judi, you were asked to make it
difficult to retrieve.

Yeah, but you guys
muddled the words.

Both occasions you just popped it
somewhere. Uh, the last one...

Yeah? ..is difficult.
Then you came good.

Try once, try twice.

Sort of contrast,
seeing Sophie clamber up a tree

and then cover the key in flob.

LAUGHTER

Chris, I appreciated yours.
Nice, simple system.

Tie the key to something,
throw it up a tree, thank you.

Ardal, what did you do with yours?
I put it in a tree.

Oh, yeah, in a tree, as well.
A lot of people threw it up a tree.

Good. Let's crack on. Yeah.

We'll find out on later on
how they've done.

That's only half the task.

Uh, but now it's time for...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..five.

And that is a high-five.

EERIE MUSIC

OK. Lovely.
Here we all are. Number three.

Number three, yes.

And now you can open the task.

ARDAL: Chris,
you go for it this time.

"Give Alex a high-five."

"The third fastest high-fiver wins."

"If you are the first or the last
you will receive no points."

"You must high-five Alex
in the next ten minutes."

"Your time starts now."

You're not a team any more.

For this one there is only one
winner out of the five of you.

ARDAL: Oh.

And that's the person
who high-fives me third.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you understand the task? No.

- Sophie, did you understand?
- I understood the task.

Yeah? You did?
Yeah. Really?

GREG: Can you just explain it?

So, it was, you had to be third
to do the high-five. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Well, shall we let her process it
for a little bit longer,

and see the boys first?
Yeah, let's do that.

I should explain they came
separately as teams to this,

and we comped them together with the
magic of television. It was amazing.

First to give me a bit of skin,
it's the boys. Here we go.

So, someone's done it first.
Someone'll do it last.

They don't get any points.

And you wanna be third.

All that we will know is who
goes first between us. Yeah.

So, nobody is realistically
gonna make a move

before nine minutes have gone.

Or did someone do it straightaway?

Oh, this is horrible.

OK, so, who's gonna jump the gun?

Judi is gonna do it straightaway.
She's gonna be first.

You think? Yeah.

Chris, are you thinking you wanna
do it before Ardal or after Ardal?

ARDAL: While he's thinking...

CHRIS LAUGHS
Oh, wow.

OK, so, I can either be guaranteed
second here, or guaranteed last.

You're definitely not gonna
be first, Chris.

BIRD CHIRPS
Shut up.

LAUGHTER

Good high-five.

ALEX: OK.

Can I have another go?

I mean, if you went again,
there is a chance you'd be third.

There's a slight chance.

I can never be third, can I?

Yeah. So, you can't come
last now, Chris. No.

Or first. No.

You've got a point. You've done me
a real favour, thank you.

So, I'm first, third, and last?
And second. No, I'm not second.

You could be second.

I could be first, second,
third, fourth and last.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've covered all the bases.

I can do no more than that.

I'm just gonna just go
one more time, just in case.

LAUGHTER

- So, that's your third high-five.
- Yeah.

And you know what?

And because I have no idea
what's going on, there we go.

- All right.
- There's just no way I can lose.

WHISTLE PEEPS
You were very greedy, Ardal.

I was a bit. You were very greedy.

APPLAUSE

Ardal, can I ask why you thought
I would be first?

That I thought you'd be first?

Well, I think you're first
amongst...women. I mean... Ooh!

LAUGHTER

We break, because we must.

Just time for your partner to
clip their toenails in front of you

and for you to wonder
where the mystery's gone.

See you in a bit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, thank you.
Welcome back to part two.

Yes, the second best part.

There was a sort of team task
going on before the break.

In their separate groups
they're trying to work out

when best to high-five me

to become the third high-fiver
out of all five competitors.

Tricky.

The first and last to high-five me
get no points at all.

There's a ten-minute cap,
and just to drill it in,

the third high-fiver wins.

Next up, it's the girls,
with some unorthodox approaches.

We could all tactically
work together.

No, we can't,
cos we can't all be third.

Yeah, you're not a team anymore.
We're not a team?

Not for this task.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
Sorry!

OK.

I just took the risk.

Well, you still might be
the third fastest.

Well, at least you know the first
and fifth won't win, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
So, you've both got a chance.

How many minutes had gone
until I, when I...?

No minutes. About 20 seconds.

No. Really? Mm-hmm.

No, uh, oh. 20 seconds?

No, seriously it was about
a minute, though, wasn't it?

A minute in, it was a minute in.
Oh, man!

Yeah, but you still don't know
if you would've been... No!

No, I think she's first.
I think I...

I really sacrificed myself!
I should've done it...

LAUGHTER
What the hell was I thinking?

Do I need to do it now?

They might not go.

No, I'm doing it.

Oh, that's a great high-five.

We've had at least
two high-fives now.

Yeah, well, they've both
gone now, so... Yeah.

I can do whatever I want.

You'll either be third,
fourth or fifth, Bridget.

Bridget, I think you should go.
I want to do it at ten.

You wanna do it at ten, OK.
No, I'm gonna do it at nine...

59? 58, and I'm gonna run.

You can't wait, babes!
You've gotta go and high-five him.

What you waiting for?
The third fastest!

It might not be
the third one who does it,

it's the period between here
and there, isn't it? What?!

That's how you're interpreting it,
is it?

Right.

Ten! Oh!

Ah, oh!

Two seconds! Oh. Now, Bridget!

SCREAMING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God.

Well, I didn't predict it would go
like that. You may now leave.

After you, queen. Bye!
That was really stressful.

APPLAUSE

There was a confidence to you, Sophie,

that I don't really understand.

You seemed to have absolute faith
in your system.

Yeah. I think my confidence
was bolstered by the fact

that Judi just went for it.

LAUGHTER
That would've helped.

Look, at the end of the day,

I wanted to not just be the third,

but I wanted to be
the fastest third.

Bridget, you also did not
understand the task. Oh, I...

I am absolutely, uh...
You keep offending me.

So, I thought that it
would be very exciting

to high-five on zero, and it was.

LAUGHTER

And also, I thought
that by sacrificing myself

you would think that was
quite a dignified thing to do

and give me one point.

Incorrectly.

LAUGHTER

All right, shall I show you how it
all played out, Greg? Please. OK.

"Your time starts now."

That was the first
of the high-fives.

Wow, OK.

So, if we can leave it
long enough to think

they may not have done it yet.

They might have not gone.
They might not go.

No, they got... No, I'm doing it.

Ooh. That's a great high-five.

I'm gonna go when
it hits three minutes.

There we go.
There's just no way I can lose.

Look at Alex's face!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can I just say I didn't know
what the hell was going on?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Does that feel good?
That feels good. Feel good.

So, we know categorically
that Judi went first,

so, doesn't get any points at all. Correct.

We also know that Sophie went third,
so, gets five points.

So, well done, Sophie, congratulations.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We also know Ardal did it second,
fifth, sixth and seventh. Yeah.

But the person who went last
didn't get points.

Did he do it last,
or did Bridget do it last?

Cos she didn't do it at all
within the time.

I'm not going to penalise Ardal.

Well, there we go,
five points to Sophie,

four to Chris, and four to Ardal,
and that's it.

APPLAUSE

Can I see how the scores
are looking please, Alex?

Yes, you can.
Well, with those four points

Ardal moves into first place
with eight points. Judi's on three.

Lovely.

APPLAUSE

You will give me another task.

Yes, I will. And we've gone
big budget at last,

because this one involves tanks.
AUDIENCE GASP

Hello.

Hello, Sophie. Hi.

Oh!

Listen,
there's a tub of water next to me.

This shit ain't getting wet.
OK. I need you to know that.

OK. OK.

A Greek statue. Looks very like you.

One big ball down there
by your leg. Hmm.

"Make the water level rise to
the top of the big fish tank."

"You have 15 minutes
to gather six things,

"then you must put all six things
in the big fish tank."

Why do you keep saying big?

Oh, cos there's another one.

"You may not put anything
in the big fish tank

"before 15 minutes are up.

"And if any water leaves
the big fish tank at any point

"you are disqualified."

"But it has to be six things,
no less."

Can't be five, can't be seven.

So, I have to gather the things.

You can wait until they come
to you, but I would go.

"You may not put anything
in the big fish tank

"before the 15 minutes are up."

"Closest water level to
the top of the big fish tank wins.

"No fish tanks may leave this room.
Your time starts now."

Are you saying that I must make
the water rise?

You've gotta make the water rise
when you put the things in.

So, what am I doing with this?
That's up to you.

APPLAUSE

Water displacement, isn't it?

Yes, I thought it was quite a simple
task about water displacement.

I thought it was a very simple task,

but it seemed to absolutely
baffle everybody.

Right, shall we crack on?
Let's crack on.

Remember, no fish tank
can leave the room.

So, let's begin with two people

who are great
at reading and remembering things,

it's Bridget and Sophie.

"No fish tanks may leave this room."
That's good.

They've put a little joke in there. OK.

This is my test tank.

You cannot take them out
of this room.

Which I think is a silly sentence to
put in there, to be honest with you.

Test tank, but,
yeah, it's a test tank.

KLAXON

Ooh, can I put some water
in there, then?

All the information is on that task.

Oh, my God.
He just keeps repeating himself.

Is that what you do at home?

God. How terrible.

Yes, so, I'm going to,
I'm gonna take my lolly as well.

KLAXON

APPLAUSE

So, what wasn't shown in that clip

is that I did realise that
I wasn't meant to take the tank out.

And I nearly had
a nervous breakdown.

She did. And I said,
"I'm gonna make this right."

And I said to Alex,

"Will the Taskmaster forgive me
if I made it right?"

LAUGHTER

Bridget. Indefensible.
I've got nothing to say. Rubbish.

Oh, really?
Oh, let me bait you anyway.

LAUGHTER

What I wrote down was,

"I've said it before and,
and I'll say it again..."

Yeah. "..but I really think this
show is ruining your reputation

"as someone with
a brain in their nut."

LAUGHTER

Sort of rude, and not funny either.

LAUGHTER

Right, let's crack on.

OK, well, now it's for my hero.

Sorry, the star of My Hero,
it's Ardal O'Hanlon.

- Hi, Ardal.
- Hi.

Start with this.

- Have you finished putting that in?
- Yeah, the mallet's in now, yeah.

That's exactly what I
wanted to happen there.

The statue has gone in.

The satsumas.

And they're doing exactly what
I wanted them to do, as well.

Now I'm gonna put
a quantity of water in.

- Can you be more specific?
- Uh, no I don't have to be.

So that's a portion of
the quantity.

LAUGHTER

You know, I'm gonna leave it there.

APPLAUSE

I don't know if that was six items.

Well, will I allow a quantity
of water, I guess,

is gonna be the debate, isn't it?

He argued it was brick, satsuma,
mallet, statue, satsuma and water.

Those are his six things.

So, satsumas twice, water's once,
but there was two types of...

I did feel a little bit smug.

I mean, that was the only, like,

if there's marks being deducted
for smugness I will accept that.

If you put smugness in, as well,
that's seven items.

I'm gonna allow his quantity
of water. OK. Yeah,

You don't put "waters" in, do you?
You put water in.

You may have won the task
but you've lost some friends.

There is that!
A sacrifice I'm prepared to make.

LAUGHTER

Right, don't channel hop,

we've got a space laser
trained on your home.

See you in a bit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

Little Alex Horne,
can you please remind Judi

what was going on before the break?

Yes, of course. Hi, Judi. Hello.

I don't know if you remember,

but we were in the middle of a task

where you all had to try
and raise the level

of the water in a fish tank,
by putting six items in it.

Closest to the top wins, Judi.
Mm-hmm.

We've grouped you with Chris, Chris
is a nice young man sat next to you.

OK. I'm gonna show your VT
right now. Here we go. Argh!

I'm scared,
cos this seems really simple.

What do you think you're gonna do?

In a perfect world
you'd have one, two,

like six bibles.

I just wanna see.

Quite a scientific approach.

Oh, there's a lot of, there's a lot
of similar shapes here.

I think five playing cards in that.

When I go in the bath, it comes up.

I need something heavy.
Something heavy.

That's not a real bookshelf!
That would've helped.

Will this fit in the tank?

That's gonna float.

That's gonna float!
That's gonna float in there!

JUDI: That works a little bit.

Why was that there? Right.

SHE GASPS
I've made my pick.

Right, let's do it.

One is the case.
Two, three, four, five, six.

I'm gonna go for it
and put them in there.

LAUGHTER

It's floating like two dicks!
Why is it floating?

That didn't happen
when it was in there.

What's in this water?

Oh, you've set me up.

OK.

KLAXON

Some water came out straightaway.

How is that not heavy enough?

OK.

Come on, girl. Be a gulper.

I think that's the best.
Finished? Yeah.

Thanks, Judi. Urgh!

APPLAUSE

You both had very strong
instant impulses.

Yours was, "This is easy,
I just need six bibles."

LAUGHTER

Have you put bibles in water before
to raise water levels? Uh, no.

No. And you did exactly the same,
straight out the room,

get a small amount of water
and a loaf of bread,

put that in there.

Um, obviously Judi's gone straight
into the Taskmaster book of quotes,

by saying of a bunch of bananas,
"It's floating like two dicks."

LAUGHTER

What about when you
walk in the bathroom

and your partner's in there?
Me personally?

No, someone's partner, you walk in,

and he's in the bathroom
having a whale of a time,

relaxing, and then you just see...

SHE HUMS THEME FROM JAWS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who hasn't seen their
willy float up

to the theme from Jaws?
She's right.

She ended up doing pretty well, 1.8
centimetres from the top. Oh, wow.

Although I should say Chris
got very close to discovering

the actual right way to do it.

Can I show you this? Oh!

Why was that there? Right.

APPLAUSE

So close.

So, points. Yes, Judi does get four
points with her 18 millimetres,

but Ardal gets five points
with his water system.

Well done, Ardal O'Hanlon.
Well done, Ardal. The rest, zero.

APPLAUSE

Yes, no points to anyone else.
Never mind, let's have another one.

Right, I have a task ready,

and this one might explain why
nobody ever takes my phone calls.

Hello.

65.

65. 62.

Is there a reason why I've got this
bushy thing in my face?

Yeah? That's about 51.

Short-staffed? 61.

"Answer Alex's phone call."

"If you find a cuddly toy
you must carry it with you

"until you answer
Alex's phone call."

"Also, you must be making
a noise over 50 decibels

"for at least 50% of the time."

"Until you..."
This is, what, 62 decibels?

Yeah, 62.
"..until you answer Alex's phone."

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

I'm just keeping an eye
on your sound.

And I've gotta hear the phone.

Yeah, can you hear a phone?

I don't know.

I wanna hear some noise.

Oh, uh, you wanna hear some noise.

What kind of noise do I
need to make, any noise?

Whatever you want.
Anything over 50.

Any noise at all, any noise at all.

PHONES RING

APPLAUSE

Lovely. Lovely. I don't think
there's much to discuss.

Let's crack on. Let's crack on.

All right, three of them up first.
Ardal, Judi and Chris.

All trying to answer the
phone the fastest, for you,

Greg Davies, the Taskmaster.
Let's go.

PHONE RINGS OK.

You're being very quiet
at the moment.

- What?
- You're being very quiet.

Oh, sorry, yes.

Erm...
HE ROARS

Raaaargh!

HE GROWLS AND ROARS LAUGHTER

ALEX: No, no, I'm calling it.

- Why are you chasing me?
- I want to answer your phone.

But this is the phone
I'm calling with.

You can't answer the same phone
someone's calling.

Oh, sorry.

PHONE RINGS

I don't know what that noise is.
Come on!

Where we going?
No, is it this way? Is this it?

I need 50... I don't know, what?
Yeah, just for 50% of the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where's the phone?

Oh, here's a cuddly toy.

You're not supposed to be looking
for them. Where's a phone?

HE GROWLS AND ROARS

HE GRUNTS

SHOUTING AND ROARING

What do I do?! Stop! Is that it?

Have you answered the phone?
Is it a phone?

It's a tape. Oh, no!

OK. Might be outside.
Let's go, let's go.

Oh!

That's not a phone, that's a...

Where...? These are so old!

I've just remembered
I've left the teddy bear.

Come back, quick, come on.
Keep going! Argh!

PHONE RINGS

Oooh! Oh.

Greg!

Ah, no, you need me to be calling.

This is a decoy, as well?

At least you got another
cuddly toy. Argh!

Have you got the phone on you?
Give me the phone.

I don't have the phone.
So, where's the phone?

Where's the damn phone?

I feel like I've looked everywhere.
I'm scared!

Is this...?
Well, there's a phone box here.

Ooh.

Oh, there it is!

What's it say, Chris?
"You must not break this box."

Um, I don't have a key.

But I suspect
I know where the key is.

- Where's the key, Ardal?
- In a possible to retrieve place.

The key! Where's the key?

On the bush. The key's on the bush?

Oh, my God! Right.

If you could place it there,
that'd be great.

- OK.
- Thank you very much.

Can you see it? Uh, no.

Where's the key? Where's the key?

Clock's ticking.

You're being very quiet up there.

HE GROWLS AND LAUGHS

Argh! Argh! Argh!

Hey! Argh!

- Any sign?
- Yeah, I've found the key.

Oh, great.

Oh!

There it is. Oh, oh!

Come on!

Hello! Hi, Judi, it's Alex here.
I'm gonna stop the clock.

I've got some stuff in my mouth.

Stick, stick!

Get on the stick, you prick!
Get on the stick, you prick!

You prick, get on the stick!

Hello?

- I've stopped the clock.
- Thank you.

Is that you, Chris?
Yes. I'm gonna stop the clock.

Thank you.

Beat that, Anneka Rice!

She's not in this series. OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, Anneka, beat that.

I enjoyed,
"Get on the stick, you prick."

LAUGHTER

Gotta have a catchphrase.

Well, he was also the only one
with any real urgency.

Ardal was largely committed
to being a human bear...

LAUGHTER

..and Judi was wandering around

as if she was just at a market, browsing.

Yes, well, out of the three of them
she was the slowest, I'm afraid.

Who was the slowest? Judi Love.

LAUGHTER

Who was the fastest, Chris?
Out of these three, no.

It was Ardal O'Hanlon,
10 minutes 12.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I was too distracted
by the crazy bear. Well done.

It's the end of part three.

Come back soon to the only show
on television

where you might see
Sophie Duker win a giant kimono

for a wardrobe that doesn't exist.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! You're good, good people
for coming back to me.

There's a task hanging
in the balance.

Alex, bring us up to speed,
so that we can finish this thing.

Right you are. They are trying to
answer a call from me,

but the phone is hidden.

There are lots of decoy phones
to annoy them,

and when they do find the
right phone it's in a locked box,

and the key is in a difficult
but possible to retrieve place.

It's just Bridget and Sophie left.
Here we go.

OK, I'm listening.
I've found a cuddly toy.

PHONE RINGS
- Are you coming?Yes.
- OK.

Oh, there's a little toy.

It's not ringing. It's ringing.
No, it's not!

This is where we started, wasn't it?

PHONE RINGS
Yes, are we going back?

What are we doing again?

You're trying to answer my phone
call. Clock's ticking, Bridget.

SHE LAUGHS
Oh, yeah. Are we on the clock?

Yeah. Hi, I'm just looking.

Stop talking to the camera people. Oh.

There's too many toys.

I'm gonna carry them...here.

Ah. Yeah. I suppose so. Let's go.

You have to answer the phone before
everyone else answers the phone.

I don't know where
the phone is, though.

I can hear something.

Oh, no.

This just needs a key.

Are they going on an adventure?

Yeah. They're going on
an adventure.

If I do this
we won't have to chit-chat.

No, good.

POT CLANGS OK.

No, that's not ringing.

Oh, we're back in here. Yes.

God, has it been in here
all the time?

Can my children wait
at the bottom of the tree?

I think they might have to.

POT CLANGS
I'm a bit sick of going in here.

Me too!

OK! Urgh!

Oh, where else
might there be a phone?

In the shed! No, I've been in there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

POT CLANGS

Hello? Is that Sophie?
Yes, this is me.

I've stopped the clock.

POT CLANGS

Oh, I don't believe it!

I've got the key in my boot!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, hello.
I've stopped the clock.

If I had got here quicker

then I'd probably have done
all right in that task,

cos I had the key. Yes.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, there was one bit
to get a clip of,

because I think it's
sort of a metaphor

for the pointlessness of life.

Just this clip, here.

POT CLANGS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Banging her...pot.
- Yeah.

CHRIS: It's what the show
does to you!

It does.
That's perfect. You've nailed it.

It's probably what led Sophie
to climb a tree

with a load of cuddly toys
down her trousers.

LAUGHTER

I think I had pandas in my cooch
when I climbed that tree.

LAUGHTER
And I was...

That's a first.
Do you mind if I just...?

No-one's ever said that before.

"Pandas in my cooch." Yeah, yeah.

LAUGHTER

You took 19 minutes
and five seconds altogether.

JUDI: Wow!

So far in last place,
but we haven't heard Bridget's yet.

23 minutes and one second,
so, I'm afraid it's... Ah.

That is a wow.

And with that, Bridget gets
one point, Sophie two,

Judi three, Chris four,
but the winner, again,

is Ardal O'Hanlon with five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a quick look
at the series scores.

The series scores, all right.

At the bottom of the pile
at the moment, it's Judi with 66,

then it's Ardal with 71,

but just above, Sophie with 72,

Bridget, 79, Chris on 80.

So, it's pretty tight
at this stage.

JUDI: Wow.
Tight at the top.

All right, everyone,
please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, no need to explain, I think
we know what's going on here.

Who's gonna read the task out,
silly boy?

I would like Bridget Christie
to read the task please, Greg.

"Pop three red balls
out of your hole.

LAUGHTER

"You may only pop out
one ball at a time.

"If you pop out a black ball
you must stop popping out balls,

"and scream for five seconds.

"If you pop out a white ball,

"everyone must stop
popping out balls

"and dance like a worm
for five seconds.

"If you pop out a duck,
you are disqualified.

"Also, you must stare lovingly
at the Taskmaster..."

I'm not doing that bit.

LAUGHTER

"..you must stare lovingly at the
Taskmaster throughout the task.

"Fastest wins."

Thank you, Bridget.

I'll let you know if you
have to scream or dance.

LAUGHTER

Sophie's loving look
is quite threatening.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You'll make me blush, Ardal.

Your time starts...
WHISTLE PEEPS

And off they go.
Lovingly, Judi. Lovingly.

Oh, we've got a black ball.

CHRIS SCREAMS

White ball, white ball!

Everyone dance.
Everyone dance, everyone dance.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE PEEPS

Off you go again.
Keep going, keep going, keep going.

Keep looking at the Taskmaster, please.

CHRIS SCREAMS
WHISTLE PEEPS

Judi is out. Judi has popped a duck.

OK, Ardal, please scream.

ARDAL SCREAMS
Everyone dance, please.

There's a white one. Everyone
dance. Everyone dance, please.

Everyone dance.
Except for Judi who's disqualified.

Why am I disqualified?
Cos you popped out a duck.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE PEEPS
OK, carry on.

Get some red balls, please.
Thank you.

CHRIS SCREAMS

WHISTLE PEEPS
Everyone dance, please.

White ball, everyone dance.

LAUGHTER

We have one red ball.

She's really intimidating me.

WHISTLE PEEPS
Look at him.

Scream, Bridget.

How are we doing,
everyone all right?

Judi's furious
cos she popped a duck.

Scream, please, Ardal.
Scream please, Bridget.

ARDAL SCREAMS
Everyone dance. Everyone dance.

White ball. Dance and scream.

SCREAMING

WHISTLE PEEPS
Carry on.

It's a red one for Bridget,
that's lovely. There's a red one.

Thank God, thank God.
A red one for Sophie.

Two red balls for Chris.

Scream please, Ardal, scream.

ARDAL SCREAMS
Please look at the Taskmaster.

Look at the Taskmaster, please, Sophie.

WHISTLE PEEPS
Bridget's won, Bridget's won.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at me, please.

Sophie's second!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Everyone dance.
It's a white one, please.

Chris and Ardal,
have a dance, please.

LAUGHTER

It's just one red to come.
One pop up.

Look at the Taskmaster lovingly.
Lovingly!

Oh!
WHISTLE PEEPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Perfectly reasonable.

LAUGHTER

We'll add that up, we'll add it to
the final score, come and join me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, well, well.

A lot of fun.
A lot of fun.

Everyone really enjoy that?

No.
SOPHIE: No.

Do you wanna give Judi a point
or not? She was disqualified.

Yeah, well, let's not be monstrous.
We'll give her a point.

Got a point. Got your duck out,
just stood there looking angry.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, did you...?

I was just having
a little...chuckle.

LAUGHTER

Ardal should be chuckling,
cos the scoreboard is extraordinary.

Bridget, Chris and Judi
all have 11, Sophie 13,

but Ardal's got 21 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ardal O'Hanlon is the winner!

Please go and scoop up your
surprising wardrobe stuff.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that life
can be brutal,

but no matter who's upset you,

how crushed you
are by disappointment,

what hurdles you have
to try and overcome,

things could always be worse.

POT CLANGS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is half of this series done.
Well done, you.

But well done mainly to tonight's
winner... Ardal O'Hanlon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media