Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 13, Episode 4 - Episode #13.4 - full transcript

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This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Ha-haa!

No way!

Er... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Urghh! Ahh! Uhhh...

Are you having a laugh?

SHE GASPS
- Ooh!
- Aghh!

APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, everybody, I'm
Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

There are those that think that
this series - series 13 - is cursed.



There are those that say
I have the legs of a goat

and can be seen on the moors
devouring pork by moonlight.

There are those that think
all of the losers of Taskmaster

are done away with and replaced by
robots that I use to do my bidding.

There are those that think

I shouldn't write introductions
to the show when I'm tired.

And here are five of them.

Ardal O'Hanlon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bridget Christie!

Chris Ramsey!

Judi Love!

And Sophie Duker!

And next to me
the answer to the question

what would happen if you forced
a yak through a sausage machine?



It's...

FALSETTO: ..little Alex Horne!

CHEERING

Thank you.

All right, then, love? How are you?

I'm excited because
I'm just about to say

my millionth word of the year.

I'm now 14 short

and I want you to choose
my millionth.

All right.

There you are.

Biffins!

That bit between your front
and your back.

That's your millionth word.
That's my millionth this year. Yep.

There's always next year,
isn't there?

Right. What's the prize-task
category, please, Alex?

Well, this one's safely up there
in our top 109 prize tasks.

We asked them to bring in
the best night-time thing.

Ooh. Five points for whomever has
brought in the best night-time thing

and at the end of the show,
the winner will take home
five night-time things

and guarantee themselves
a thoroughly good Monday to Friday.

Very good. Judi Love.

I said, erm,

a lovely duvet.

Look at it.

This is practical, it keeps you warm

and when you're hot,
you can put your foot out of it...

I didn't realise you could
put your feet out. Yeah.

I thought they had to stay within
the confines... No, no, no. No.

Only special people know this.
But you...

..can also use it for camping.

Why are you saying this
like...like it's the first time

anyone's ever thought of it?

What do you expect from me for that?

"What? You can take it
out of the house?!"

There's so much stuff you can do
with a duvet at night-time.

You can make a tent,
you can sleep downstairs with it.

Do you know what I mean?

You can play ghost.
It would be a big, fat ghost,

but you can play. I mean,
the person that doesn't beat duvet,

hang your heads in shame.

Genius. Ardal.

Ah, well, obviously, er,
night-vision goggles.

Ooh! Are they night-vision goggles?

Well, they're swimming goggles,
but, er...

They are the best night-time thing

because when you wake up at night,
uh, you can see.

Uh, and I...I...I...

Do you wear them in bed?
Of course I wear them in bed!

So when I wake up and if there's
someone in the room, I can see them.

So what are the practical
applications of night-vision goggles
for you? Right.

I don't sleep well.
And my wife does sleep well,

but she doesn't like me
turning the light on at night,
so if there's an intruder comes in,

I've got a little advantage.
Over your wife?

Over my wife.

Um, Sophie, can you beat
night-vision goggles?

Uh, I think the best
night-time thing

is an owl. But... I mean...

It's... Yeah.

I think... Do you know what?

Already I think she's right!

Already!

I think owls are creatures
of the night,

they can... Not only do they have
night vision,

but they can see all around.

But, um, owls and people

don't make great bedfellows.

Oh, it's not a live owl.
It's an owl hot-water bottle.

And here it is.

So the thing is
it might keep you warm,

but when you're cold,
can you put your foot out of it?

Uh, that's how they catch
their prey, isn't it, on heat.

On heat? I think...
Their eyesight is actually, um...

Their eyes are actually bigger
than their brains. Oh, right.

Which means sometimes it looks
at a crossword and thinks,
"I can do that", but it can't.

It's not as clever
as it thinks it is.

It's a hot-water bottle,
but it's a cute one.

Might get you two points, let's see. Chris.

A bed. A bed. He's brought a bed in.

Oh, Chris. I mean, honestly,

that is so basic. Shall we list
things you can do on a bed?

Yeah. Yeah... Every single thing
you said plus it's a trampoline.

Any special features?

Er, memory-foam mattress.
BRIDGET: That's the mattress though.

They don't work. I got one of them.

It doesn't remember me.

It rejects me!

All right, Chris. Bridget, hello.
Hi. What have you brought in?

A fox.

ALL: Aww!

SOPHIE: You brought in
the natural predator of the owl.

Why's it the best night-time thing?

I think they're magical and, er,
they're all around us all the time

and we don't notice them.
The amount of films

and in literature
and in Japanese folklore...

You have convinced me that
the fox means a lot to you.

They're in... They skulk around the
suburbs in the middle of the night

like a jazz drummer trying to score
heroin. They don't skulk...

Right, score some points. Yes,
what is the best night-time thing?

Shall we start with the worst?
OK, what's the worst?

Judi Love. And unfortunately, Chris,

I'm sure your bed's absolutely
lovely, but I must only give it
two points.

Sophie's coy owl will take
three points.

Coy owl. So it is night-time goggles
versus fox.

The idea of him
in night-vision goggles,

it delights me that one point more.
That is my judgement.

There we go, Ardal O'Hanlon
gets five points!

Let's have a task proper. OK, then.

Well, I have a big task for you

set in a little church.

FOOTSTEPS

Ohh.

It's like a sample sale.

This is like a nightmare.

It's like Blair Witch or something.
Sponsored by JD Sports.

"Display the shoe
Alex is thinking of."

"All the other shoes must be out of
sight at the end of your attempt."

"You may only ask yes or no
questions and you must say,

"'I have to find the shoe'
after every answer."

"You must shout,

"'No way! after every answer."

I must say "OK, just one more thing"
after every answer.

I must laugh with disbelief
after every answer.

I must get increasingly exasperated

after every answer.

"Fewest questions wins."

"Your time starts now."

So this is like Guess Who

with shoes. So what's it called?

Shoe Who. OK.

Guess Shoe. Yeah. OK.

If you think I'm not thinking
of a particular shoe,

please pop it out of that window.
I will be counting any questions
you ask.

Maybe I don't have to ask
any questions.

It's one tactic. Mmm.

Do you like shoes? Yes.

No way! So that's...

That's what we've got to do.

No way.

APPLAUSE

That's the opener you went with,
is it? "Do you like shoes?"

Yeah. Bit annoyed that
that got counted.

I counted every question.
Every question.

Right, let's crack on. Yes. As this
task is taking place in a church,

who better to start with
than a bit of "Christie 'n' Love"?

Bridget Christie 'n' Judi Love.

Can I have some gloves, please?

You cold? No, I don't like
touching shoes. Oh.

Is the shoe you're thinking of...
Is that how we do it?

Oh, that's a question, isn't it?

Trainers? No.

Ha-haa!

Is it a baby's shoe?

No. Is it an adult... Please say...

Just one more thing. OK, just one
more thing. OK, just one more thing.

Is it an adult's shoe? Yes.

OK, just one more thing.

Football boots? No. A-ha-haa!

Is it a man's shoe? No.

Is... Is it these? No.

Is it these? No.

So it's not those. Is it these? No.

Off you pop. Is it these? No.

Is it these? You haven't said,
"OK, just one more thing."

OK, just one more thing.
Is it these? No.

Does your toe show? Yes, it does.

Ha-haaah!

It's not those. Is it?

Oh, you still asked a question.
What? No.

Alex? Hello, Judi. I think
you should take those down for me.

Oh, right, OK. And these.

Out the window, is it?
Yes, Alex, out the window.

Thank you, Judi.

OK, just one more thing.
Is it the bowling shoes?

No. So I have to get those down now?
That's another question.

Is it any of those? No.
Is it on the back row? No.

OK, just one more thing.
Is it these? No. OK, just
one more thing. Is it these?

OK, just one more thing...
One more... One more...
Is it a pair of shoes?

Mm, no.

I've got one.
That's not good enough.

Is it a bright shoe, Alex?

Is it a bright colour?
Is it a bright colour, Alex?

Yes. You did ask me that question
five times.

No, no, don't take the piss. Right.

Is it those? You've just asked me
about those. Oh, yeah.

Alex, are these your dutty shoes?

Sort of.

There must've been a pair
that I missed.

Right, I'll have to go through them
individually again though.

Is this the shoe?

Yes.

It's not these either. No.
It isn't these? No.

And you also said no for these. Yeah.

I'm having a deja vu.

How would you like to display it?

Thank God we're in a church because
I would tell you some words.

Bye, Alex. Bye, Judi.

OK, just one more thing.
None of these shoes?

Yes.

OK, just one more thing.
Is it one of these? Yes.

OK, just one more thing.
Is it that shoe? Yes.

Oh, my God.

And then if you could turn round.

Right, I can't see any shoes.

OK, thanks, bye. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Bridget, you and I have sort of
known each other on and off
for a few years now.

Yeah. And it's only after
watching that VT

for the first time did I question
your intelligence.

I was cursed by something
in the church.

It had been deconsecrated,
the church.

But it does make some sense
because you did say
quite a lot more questions

than there were shoes. Wow.
How many questions did she ask?

161 questions. JUDI: No!

That's quite something.
And I'll tell you something else -

it's the first time in 13 series

that I've seen Alex Horne
genuinely irritated. Yeah.

Let's have a look at Alex Horne

genuinely annoyed.

It's not those, is it?

Oh, you still asked a question.
What?

No!

Yeah, I don't like that.
I don't like seeing that.

Please can I say something
about that? Yeah.
I could see how annoyed he was.

And that wasn't very supportive.

I thought Judi seemed
pretty efficient to me.

Yes. 24 questions. Yeah, you tricked
me on some of those questions.

You say 23, let's take off
three of them so we got 21, yeah?

20. Or 20. 20 or 24 questions
from Judi.

Yep. Right. We're stopping
to catch our breath.

There will be more shoes
after the break. Shoo! You!

Then come back for shoe!
New shoe, for you!

APPLAUSE

Hello again and welcome back to
the second part of tonight's show.

Quick reminder of the task in play,
please, Alex.

Everyone is trying to guess
my shoe, Greg.

Fewest questions wins.
Next up, it's Sophie Duker

and Chris Ramsey!

AS GEORDIES: No way!

Is it a sporting shoe? No.

No way!

Does the shoe

have laces?

No.

Would you class this as a sport? No.

No way!

Can I have these ones?
Now, then, is that a question?

No!

You were quite exasperated then.

So I'm just not allowed to ask
questions? Now, is that a question?

Oh, my God!

I should've said "sporty".
Because there's a grey area here.

Ah. You're putting on
the fish shoes. Yeah.

Does the shoe you're thinking of

have laces? No.

No way!

No grey area here, Chris.
The grey area has gone.

Does it have, like, a heel

with height?

Do you understand the question?
Now, was that a question,

whether I understood the question?

Does it have a heel?

No. No.

Not really. What do you mean, "Not
really"? It's a yes or no question.

I think all shoes have heels.
No, they don't.

Does this have a heel of height?

So there's another question.

Are you getting exasperated?

Does the shoe you're thinking of
have a closed toe? No.

No way!

Right. Can you tell me
how many questions I've asked?

So with that one, seven. No!

No! Well, at least
you're getting exasperated.

Is the shoe you're thinking of

on my right? No.

No way!

Is the shoe you're thinking of
on that side of the room?

No.

Is the shoe you're thinking of
on my right? Yes.

No way!

Which one do you want? Both.
Both my shoes.

Hm.

You threw them further
than the others. Yeah.

AUDIENCE CRIES OUT IN SHOCK

No, that was wrong, that was wrong.
The closed-toe thing,

I've confused meself.

Didn't seem very exasperated.

OK, it does, it does.

Ooh. Does the shoe
you're thinking of

have a buckle on it? No.

No way!

Would the shoe that you're thinking
of make you feel bold

and ballerinas?

Yes.

Are you thinking of the right shoe?

No.

Thank you, Chris. Thanks, Alex.

Weirdly fun. Weirdly fun.

APPLAUSE

Chris Ramsey enters all tasks
like a bouncy, happy puppy.

Yes. And he was the only person
not to leave that room hating you.

Yes. As evidenced
by Sophie's face...

Yep.

By the end of it, I just thought
you wanted to murder him.

Yes.

I think I was getting
increasingly exasperated

but forgetting that was what
you'd asked me to do.

Both similar systems. The geography
system is the way to do it.

If you just divided them in half
each time, you'd get the shoe
in seven questions.

What Chris did well,
he barely wasted a question.

13 in total. Pretty impressive.
WHOOPING AND WHISTLING

But the woman who'd like to
squeeze the life out of you...

Yes. Er, 30 in total.

It just leaves Ardal to go.
He threatened to complete the task

without asking any questions at all.
High hopes here.

Let's see how he got on.

Um,

is it a blue shoe? No.

It's not a blue shoe? Was that...
No, no, no, that's one question!

I have to find the shoe.

Is it a shoe that you would
mainly use for sports?

No. I have to find the shoe. Basketball.

Bowling.

Walking is a sport. OK.

I would argue most shoes are
for walking.

Well, that's where we differ, Alex.

Would you wear this particular shoe

to a funeral?

No. You wouldn't wear it
to a funeral?

Well, I certainly wouldn't, no. No.

You wouldn't wear these
unless you were...

..going to Elvis's funeral
or something.

No, you wouldn't wear
your white ones to a funeral.

Well, I did say I wouldn't wear
my shoe to a funeral.

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

You wouldn't wear the shoe
to a funeral.

Oh, you wouldn't wear it, OK.

Is it a...

Is it a left shoe?

Yes.

It is a left shoe.

OK... I need to...find
its counterpart.

I have to find the shoe.

You would wear those to a funeral.
Of course you would.

These you would. Oh, yeah.

Course you would!
ALEX LAUGHS

Not going to wear sandals
to a funeral. I suppose kids
get away with murder.

They could wear whatever they want.
Not going to wear them.

Wouldn't wear those.

SLOWED DOWN: I have to find
the shoe...

But not these two. So...

..I'm going to go with...

Is that the shoe
you were thinking of? No.

What do you have to do?

I have to find the shoe.

Is it a red shoe?

Is it reddish? Yes.

I have to find the shoe.

Could you pass that sandaly one
there?

This? Yeah, that one.

OK, I want to display this.
Is this the shoe?

Yes. Is it?!

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Wow!

BRIDGET: Oh, my God.
CHRIS: Wow.

Before that, uh, lucky twist of fate
at the end,

I would say
a more heart-breaking image

than Ardal sitting on
a cage of shoes

you'll struggle to see...

I can read you out his last
two questions. They're quite
heart-breaking. Please.

The last two were
"Will Taskmaster be happy?"

and "Can you help me get back in?"

Taskmaster's very happy!

With the wisdom of hindsight,

was your funeral system
the best system?

In theory, it was,
but I do blame Alex. Ah.

Er, I asked a simple question -
"Would you wear it to a funeral?"

and he said something like,
"I wouldn't not wear it..."

I think I said, "No." Did you?!

How many questions? 40.

Oh! I mean, second last,
but not last

by 121 questions.

Well, look, Bridget one point
for 161 questions

then it's Ardal, Sophie, Judi.

Chris, just 13 questions,
five points!

There it is!

Scoreboard, please. It's the closest
episode of the series so far.

There's just two separating
all five of them.

We have joint leaders -
Ardal and Chris - on seven points.

APPLAUSE

Pretty close. Pretty close.

Have you got another one ready?
Ooh, yes. Ooh!

Yes, and I've got some lovely news -
unless you're my wife -

I'm getting married again!

HE SIGHS
After you, Chris.

Oh, thank you very much.
Braver than me. Kind of you.

Hello, Bridget. Ah.

Hello. Oh, you've brought Sophie.

I did, yes. Oh, and Judi.
Judi's here as well.

Yeah. Yeah. That's nice.

So, shall we?

Go on, you can. OK.

"Give Alex the best stag minute."

"By the end of the stag minute,

"Alex must be ready to get married."

"You have 29 minutes to prepare
for the stag minute."

"Your time starts now."

So the obvious thing is to...

..pour flour on him. Yeah.

Like a stag do but in a minute.
Who's going to be...
Who's going to be...

..the twerkin'...

Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk. Do all
men have stag dos like that now?

I thought that was quite
an old-fashioned thing, wasn't it?

I think they do things like book
readings and things now, don't they?

Really?

I mean, humiliation is the main part
of this. OK.

Because I think... I think
TM would like to see

Alex be utterly humiliated.

Erm, it's my stag minute, so I...
It's going to be a surprise for me,

so I'm going to leave you to it. Oh,
it's going to be a surprise. OK. Oh.

JUDI LAUGHS

OK, we've got to make him
have a nice time.

I think he likes birds.

Birds? And then we could watch him
through binoculars or...

He'd probably like that.
Serve him worms.

Can the bird be wearing a thong?

HE PUFFS OUT AIR

If you're about to show me
an actual bird twerking,

you might have this in the bag.

Who are we going to see first,
please?

Let's see how the bloody lads
got on.

Hey! Hey!

Come on, Horne dog! Hey-hey!

Hi, guys. Are you ready
for your stag do?

Yeah, it's going to be the best
minute of your life! Hey!

Hey, grab your parachute!
Hey, Horne dog! Lads, lads, lads!

Horne dog! OK, on the count
of three!

Three, two, one...
THEY ALL CHEER

THEY CHANT: Horne dog! Horne dog!
Porn mag! Porn mag!

Come on, Horney!
Horney, get your mask on.

This is dangerous now, I'm serious.

We're doing milk-balling.
Milk-balling! We're doing what?

- Milk-balling!
- What do I do? THEY CHEER

THEY SHOUT AND JEER

Come on! Beer and curry!
Beer and curry with the lads!

Cheers, lads. Cheers.

Lads, lads...

THEY TALK WITH MOUTHS FULL

Oh, no. Oh, we've got him!

What are you going to do?

What you going to do?
What you going to do?

I can't get it on!
What you going to do?

Eat the key, eat the key.
Eat the keys?

Not you. Come on!

THEY CHEER

APPLAUSE

They've gone.

It looked like you had
the time of your life.

I genuinely got an adrenalin rush
watching it back.

It was so exciting!

There was one little bit
I was confused by

and that was when you put my face
over your heads

and then you appeared to throw milk
at each other with a teaspoon.

Let us explain. Erm...

It was supposed to be paintballing.
It was paintballing,

so we wore masks
of Alex's favourite person.

Yeah, yeah.
And the game was renamed...

Milk-balling. Milk-balling.

And the little drink
and the tiny snack was...

Curry. A shot of beer
and a bite of curry.

And we did the traditional thing
of tying him to a lamp post.

To a lamp post. Right.

It's time for us all to have
a lovely, well-deserved break.

Not you, Alex! See you soon.

APPLAUSE

Hello! Come in, settle down,
pop your feet up.

Yes, hi, guys,
welcome to our little home.

We're very happy together,
aren't we, Greg?

Get your fucking hand off me.
Before the...

Sorry...

Before the break,...

..I announced my upcoming marriage
and during the break,

I received quite a cross message
from my wife.

The task was to give me
the best stag minute.

Next up, it's time for the girls.

Alex!

Yes? Come with me.

OK, there's a step.
Yes, I know there's a step here. OK.

You're going to have the best
stag do of your bloody life.

Sit down on the stool in front
of you. Open your legs.

Open your legs.
How many hands are on me?

Keep going. In, in. In?

In.

Left leg. Just keep leaning forward.
Why?

Three, two,

one... Good, OK!

Here you go. Put your arm through.

Through there. Lovely. Shot.

Shot.

Shot...

Eat your fucking worm!

Ow! Ow!

Why?

What are you...
Just keep your head still!

I'm trying to eat a worm!
Tweet, tweet, tweet.

Meow! Meow...

JUDI HISSES Meow.

Meow?

Meow.

Whistle like a bird.
I'm making... Hoo!

That's an owl! Whistle!

Blimey.

Meow.

Meow...

Meow.

HE COUGHS

Right. Thank you, everyone.

I'm ready to get married.

APPLAUSE

CHRIS: Wow.

If I didn't know it was a stag do,
I'd think it was some awful...

..captured video from
Guantanamo Bay, to be honest.

Bird bath. We had a bath.

We caught him. All things that have
got nothing to do with a stag do.

No, but it was personal, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was personal to him.

He likes birds, it was
something blue for his wedding.

Can I just make it clear,
my dad loves birds.

That's it.
You was enjoying yourself.

I was stimulated, yes.
Did you hear that?
I heard that he was stimulated.

He was stimulated because
people were throwing birdseed

in the man...in the man's face!

We fed him... While a twerking cat
waxed his arm!

Yes, I know what you're going to
say, you were feeding him worms...

From my mouth!
Because we all heard you say,

"Just eat your fucking worm!"

Can we say...
We stuck to the tradition,

right? You did not.

Well, look, they've said
their pieces.

As an outside observer,
my observation is

that Alex might've marginally

enjoyed the more traditional stag do
a little more

in that he wasn't having alcohol
and birdseed thrown in his face

while a mad twerking cat
waxed his arm.

That's all I'm saying.

I'm going to give four points
to the ladies...

Mm-hm. ..and five points
to the gentlemen.

There we go,
five to Ardal and Chris!

Come on! Wonderful!

JUDI: Girls, we done great,
we done great.

And yours was great. Thank you.

I'm going to find that puss-face
and I'm coming for you.

Onward, please. Yes, onwards and
what's the best thing in the world?

Bunting! Off we go.

ECHOING: My name's Greg Davies...

I am the Taskmaster...
the Taskmaster...

..the Taskmaster...

Hi. Is that Bridget?

Hi. Yes. Hello.

Hi, Ardal. Hi, Alex.

Ah... Oh, what does that say?

Ooh. Ooh.

Feel like I'm running through
gardens again when I was a kid,
dodging washing lines.

Do you like what you see?

Letters. Mm. Yeah.

I'm good at letters.

"Make a stirring speech
for the Taskmaster

"out of this bunting."

"Longest speech

"that is deemed to be stirring
by the Taskmaster wins."

CHRIS: "You may only use the letters
currently on the bunting."

"You have 15 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Yes. Are you serious? Yes.

OK.

OK. Do you know what I'm going to
do? I'm going to make words. Mm-hm.

And then I'm going to make
a sentence out of the words.

OK...

One, two, three.

How can there be no Bs?
What kind of alphabet is this?

Why are they all...
Are they all weird letters?

There must be one B. Why?

But why would there be no B?
Why would there be no B?!

And the colour coordination's
not vital either.

OK.

Is this supposed to say
a particular thing?

How long have I got left?
12 and a half. Oh, my God!

Aghh! Come on!

Have you made a stirring speech
before, Bridget?

I'm no Malcolm X! Oh, right... Treat...

- Why are there so many letters?
- Erm...

Aghh! This is horrible!

Sake. This is why I've got a dryer.

Whoo!

Let me... Nice.

I don't like the first bit.
Well, maybe I should change that.

Don't need that. Doesn't scan.

We'll just have to use that.
Oh, that's quite powerful.

OK, I'm done.
HE BLOWS WHISTLE

SHE SIGHS

Do you think other people, Alex, will...

..will come up with the same speech?

No, I would be very surprised.
Mm. Mm.

APPLAUSE

They all found it very stressful.

Very stressful. Oh, it was horrible.

But you, initially, were full of
memories of your northern childhood,

running through gardens...
Yeah, until you told us
spelling was involved!

Well, we're looking for the longest
speech that you deem to be stirring.

Stirring.
Here is Chris Ramsey's speech.

Oh, God.

Sir,

on my knee,

I implore you, please,

let me win

this task.

M,

good, raa-aaa,

Dad.

APPLAUSE

Dad? Called you Dad.
Called you Dad at the end.

I did like it. Did that stir you?

It did stir me. I thought...
Probably not in the right way.

I didn't know we could do it
on the floor.

No-one said we could do it
on the floor. All the information
was on the task.

It was stirring stuff. Mm-hm.
What about the "Please let me win"?

What's stirring about that?
That appeals to my grotesque ego.

I think the boy played a blinder,
to be honest. Hohh...

Well, then, it's very simple, isn't
it? Suck up to you and you win.

Yeah.

It's not rocket science.

Christopher, I thought it was
a very good start. Who's next?

Here is what Sophie Duker did.

God damn,

if Sophie Duker wins Taskmaster,

we all win her papa!

APPLAUSE

I also called him Dad. Yeah.
Very good.

Papa or Pa-pa,

as some people pronounce it,
is a more reverential...

Oh, was that directed at me, "Papa"?

If you like it.

I thought it was stirring. Yeah,
I mean, it started with "God damn."

Yes, but it was similar
grovelling sentiments to...

It wasn't grovelling,
it was self-sacrificing.

I would say also this has happened
in shows before this series

where Ardal has criticised
a lot of people's attempts,

partly building up
to what I know he's done.

If you just bear this...bear this
in mind.

Good. Let's crack on.
OK. Here is writer, stand-up

and all-round wordsmith
Bridget Christie's attempt.

Treat others carelessly, oik,...

..wind...

Wind

is God.

Wait!

That's the end of the speech.
Thank you, Bridget.

APPLAUSE

You see? You saying that
you didn't have the speech skills

of Malcolm X was folly

because that speech would drop into
some of the all-time classics.

Ich bin ein Berliner,

oik.

I think, if you actually
break it down -

"Treat others carelessly, oik" -

I think she's referring to you
as "oik".

SOPHIE: I think it's an insult.
ARDAL: I think it's an insult.

She definitely doesn't think you're
God because she thinks wind is God.
Wind is God.

You think I haven't got wind?

I could go off like a tugboat
right now!

But she hasn't necessarily finished
because she does end intriguingly
with "Wait"

and then we don't find out
what...what happens next.

Wait. Everyone, slow down,
we're all in such a rush.

You know? Wait. Think about things.

Right, oik, it's break time.
Time for you to take your bins out

and resentfully stare at
your partner

while they just sit there, again.
Your mum was right about them,

wasn't she?! See you in a bit!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello! You join us for
the final part of tonight's show

where we still have a task
to finish off.

Before the break, the comedians were
writing the most stirring speeches

for the Taskmaster using the letters
provided on the bunting.

Next up, it's Judi Love!

A,

hi, Taskmaster,

I don't like you looking happy.

Rass man.

I dare,

don't vex me.

End.

APPLAUSE
Wow.

Are you calling me a rass man?
Well, you know,

I added a little culture in there,

Jamaican culture, and called you
a rass... Could you interpret
"Rass man" for me?

A rass is like...

..an arse.

And you warned me not to vex you.

Not to vex you... Well, maybe
I'll vex you plenty, my friend.

So shall we see Ardal's rubbish one?

Yes...

Any last words, Ardal,
before we see it?

Uh, no, I think all my words...

All the words I know I think I used.

OK. Finally, here he is.
It's Ardal O'Ardal. Here we go.

I am seven

types of rank

tit.

U R swel, man.

Hail TM!

APPLAUSE

Obviously I was drunk with ego
with "Hail TM."

Erm, but you're doing yourself down
a little bit

with, erm, "rank tit".
Seven types. Seven types.

"Seven types of rank tit." They were
the only letters available to me.

That's definitely not true.
You used the fewest letters
by quite some margin.

Some of them were damaged.

Well, Ardal's was the shortest -
36 characters -

then Bridget 39, Sophie 51,
Chris 57.

Judi's was the longest
at 61 characters.

It's impressive stuff.
Are we deeming them all...

Go on, let's say there's an element
of stir in all of them.

Well, in that case,
it's one to Ardal, two to Bridget,

three to Sophie, four to Chris,
but five to Judi Love!

Oh!

CHEERING

There is one other thing.
Everyone struggled a little bit
with the letters provided.

People questioned the lack of Bs.

Er, these were obviously
the letters here.

Nobody worked out why those letters
were provided.

Any thoughts, Greg? The red flags?

Exactly, if they looked at
the red flags, you see it says,

"Look under the desk!"

Hello! Welcome at last
to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies
and I am the Taskmaster.

I'm powerful and in peak
physical condition.

That is of course the most stirring
speech in all Taskmaster history

and we did provide all the letters
for that

and an extra K because
we got it slightly wrong.

Incredible that we would
get something wrong.

Right, one more look at the scores,
I think.

All right. We have Sophie and Ardal
in joint third on 13,

Judi on 14, Chris in the lead
with 16 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Please vacate the area

and head to the stage
for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

ARDAL: Wow. That's the slimmest
I've ever looked in my life.

Who will read the task out,
little Alex Horne?

Ardal O'Hanlon will read
the task out.

Please, Ardal.
OK. "Taking it in turns,

"roll a tyre down the nappet."

"You must roll from on the stage."

"If your tyre does not pass
the line,

"you may not roll
any further tyres."

"If both your dolls topple, you may
not roll any further tyres..."

So you're trying to avoid toppling
your own doll. Exactly.

OK. "Last doll standing wins."

So your tactics are to try to knock
everyone else's dolls over,

but not yours. OK. As soon as both
your dolls are toppled, you're out.

You'll be going one at a time
from last place to first place.

There's a chance some people
won't get to roll at all.

And I would like to point out
every time your roll your tyre,

it must cross the red line.

So first of all, Bridget will roll.

OK.
CHRIS: Wow.

Let's roll. Right. Exactly.

Let's roll. So good luck, Bridget,

you're trying to avoid yourself. Yes.

It's a great roll.

ALL: Aww!
That's OK. That's OK.

APPLAUSE

Next to roll, Ardal O'Hanlon.

Left-handed, is it?

Ooh!
ALL: Ohh!

CHEERING

BUZZER

Chris Ramsey is out!

We've lost Chris Ramsey.
He will not get to roll.

I guess that's just the way
the tyre rolls.

Who's next?

Sophie Duker is next.

Sister queen, don't do it!

Ooh. Ohh... It went past the line.

It did go past the line.
Next to roll, Judi Love.

Let's see if the same loyalty
applies! Sister queen...

CRIES OF DISAPPOINTMENT

Get! Judi... No, Judi.

No, Judi. No, Judi. No, Judi.

Look at this shit! Look at this!

My nail has fucking popped off!

I deserve another point!

Judi... Judi, there's good news
and bad news.

The good news is you are still
in the game, you can still win,

but you can't take part in the game.
I mean, that was not fair.

It was fair, you've still got
a chance,

but, I mean, what are the chances
of people not targeting you now?

OK, so we're back to the beginning.
It's back to Bridget Christie again.

Yes. Right.
Been eventful, hasn't it?

Only one person struck so far.
Chris is out.

Mind my nail, Bridget. My nail.

Ah! Ahh!

CHEERING

BUZZER

Three left in.
Yes, we've lost Judi Love.

Now, we know who's up next.
It's the deadly Ardal O'Hanlon.

It's tense.

Ooh, who will I aim for?

SOPHIE: Ohh, no.

Ooh.

Ooh, straight in!

APPLAUSE

BRIDGET: Oh, my God.

We've lost Sophie.

It's the final.
It's Bridget versus Ardal

and it's Bridget to roll.
JUDI: Come on, Bridget.

SOPHIE: You can do it, Bridget.
Go on, girl.

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Let's see how that's affected
the final score. Come and join me!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Pretty exciting stuff. Yes, yes.

Three people in joint third,
two people in joint first.

What? Wow. And the scoreboard
looks like this.

CRIES OF SHOCK
So it's a tie between Ardal
and Chris Ramsey!

APPLAUSE
Ooh!

How will we sort
this awful mess out?

With the only way known to man.

With a beer-mat-flipping tiebreak!

Ohh...

All they had to do was turn over
the most beer mats out of 91

in 30 seconds. Simple.

Here is how they got on.

"Your time starts now."

Quick as you can, Ardal.

How's it going? Shut up.

Five seconds.

WHISTLE

That was a quick 30 seconds, that.
Thank you.

APPLAUSE

So we only counted the beer mats
that were still on the table
after the task.

Out of 91,

Chris flipped 59 beers mats.

Ardal -

64. Nice one!

Congratulations, Ardal O'Hanlon!

Ardal O'Hanlon wins!

Please go and collect
those nice night-time knick-knacks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Really good.

So what have we learned today?
Well, we've learned

if you're off on a stag or a hen do
this weekend,

you've got to look out
for the twerking cat

because you don't want it
to spoil your game of milk-ball!

Four out of ten complete.
See you again soon.

But for now, let's hear it
for Ardal O'Hanlon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media