Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 13, Episode 3 - I Think I've Got This - full transcript

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Ha-ha!

No way!

Erm... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Blah! Urgh!

Uhh. Are you having a laugh?

GASPING

APPLAUSE

Welcome, one and all, to Taskmaster.

This is the new Olympics

and I am the flaming torch running
through your cities



and igniting your passion for tasks.

But who are these taskletes
throwing themselves into

the competition at the direct
expense of their dignity,

I hear you cry?

Well, pipe down! I'll tell you.

Wow.

LAUGHTER

They are Ardal O'Hanlon...

..Bridget Christie...

..Chris Ramsey,

Judi Love

and Sophie Duker.

And next to me - he's my assistant,
he's consistent,

persistent and his bed has
to be water resistant.



It's little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

I'll take that.

All right, then.

Oh, no, what a week it's been.

Oh, has it?

A nightmare. Awful. Oh, gosh,
what's happened in your week?

Well, I was shopping on the
internet, as you know I love to do.

I know you do.

Oh, and I accidentally clicked
"select all" on Amazon.

I've got everything.
Bought everything.

Disaster. I've got most of it here.

I've got like a meat thermometer.

Got lots of stuff, do you want to
see? Yeah, I do want to see.

I've got like a Bunsen burner.

Uh, got, uh, got a one-egg...
One-egg frying pan.

Lots of stuff.

What terrifies me about this is
you'll have thought

of this hilarious joke. Hmm?

And then you will have brought in
actual things from your home.

For want of a more
sophisticated response,

the guy's a prick.

Right, Prize Task time.
Let's crack on.

Yes, I suppose so,

and I suppose the category
for episode three is

the item that sounds funniest when
you say its name over

and over again.

OK? So we're going to hear some
words said quite a lot

and I, for one, am laughing already.

The one that tickles the Taskmaster
the most will get five points.

Now, at the end of
the show, some lucky,

lucky person will take home five
items that are funny

to say their names of
lots of times.

Right. Hello, Sophie. Hello.

Have you brought in a funny word?

I've brought in some perfectly
ordinary tweezers.

Here they are. Here are the tweezers
here. There they are.

They're tweezers for the tweezing of
a specific avian creature -

the pheasant. Ah.
Here's the pheasant.

She's brought that in as well.
Here's a real pheasant.

God, they're not how
I've imagined them. Yeah.

So they're not actually tweezers,

they're actually
pheasant pluckers.

And there are the pheasant pluckers.

GROANING

Yeah, the groan is
the correct response.

Let's go. What, oh, you want me
to...

You want me to say it?
The purpose of this task is

you've brought in your funny word,
now I want to see if....

Oh, I thought you were going
to say it. No.

Pheasant plucker, pheasant plucker,
pheasant plucker! Pheasant plucker.

HE BEATBOXES
He's not a pheasant plucker!

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it far more
than I thought I was going to.

Chris. What's your, uh, word?

Wow. Um, I have brought in this.

IN NORTHERN ACCENT: And this
is a cook book.

This is a regional response.

Cook book.

LAUGHTER

It is quite good.

I... I would argue he could
bring in most things.

LAUGHTER

Let's go, Chris.

Cook book. Cook book? Cook book.
Cook book. Cook book?

Cook book. Cook book! Cook book.

I don't know whether it's cook...
It's not bad.

Cook book or whether it's his cheeky
Geordie smile that's there.

Right, Ardal, what have you
brought in?

I've brought in bubbles!

GREG GASPS
Yes, here they are.

MUMBLING

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.

If you're angry, even you go,
"Bubbles!"

Like, it's still funny and kind
of makes you less angry,

or if you're...
If you're sad and you go, "Bubbles."

Would you mind going through

the full range of emotions while
you repeat the word bubbles?

Perhaps you could start on angry
and work towards joyful.

Let's say you can't find any crisps
or something and you go, "Bubbles!"

Yeah. OK.

And then you get morose and your
blood sugars go down and...

SADLY: "Bubbles."

LAUGHTER

But it... It's what it conjures up!

I mean, it conjures up children's
parties and champagne and hot tubs.

Yeah! And, you know, sipping
champagne in the hot tub. Yes!

And farting in the hot tub.
"More bubbles!" Yeah. Wow.

ARDAL AND GREG: Bubbles on bubbles!

Uh, Judi.

Yes.

What thing have you brought in?

I've brought in pickles.

Yes, a jar of pickles.

LAUGHTER
There we go.

So it's not a bad prize haul so far.
It's not bad.

Who doesn't like a lovely pickle?
Exactly.

Ah, well, I look forward to you
repeatedly saying the word pickle.

SING-SONG: Pickle, pickle, pickle,
pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle, pickle,
pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle! Hmm.

Pickle, pickle, pickle,
pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle, pickle,
pickle, pickle, pickle.

Would you mind slowing... Me said
pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle, pickle.

Me said pickle, pickle, pickle,
pickle, pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle.

Me said I want the pickle, pickle,
pickle, pickle, pickle.

Surely that gets
a damn point or something.

It's got something.
It's got something!

Bridget, you've got
your work cut out.

Stopcock.

Yes, she's brought, I think for the
first time in TV quiz history,

the winner will win a stopcock.
Right.

There it is.

I put it to you, Bridget, that

you've deliberately
chosen a stopcock

because it's got the
word cock in it.

And, therefore, you've lowered
yourself to my level.

LAUGHTER
I want to hear stopcock repeatedly.

Stopcock, st-stopcock, stop COCK,
stop, stopcock, stop...

Babes, don't go on your knees.
Stopcock, stop...

SOPHIE: No, no, no, no.

Stopcock...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Stop, stopcock! Stop, stopcock,
stop, stopcock.

Stopcock! Stopcock!
LAUGHTER

Stopcock.

Stopcock! Stop, stopcock!

STOPCOCK!

Get back. Get back!

Get the fire marshall in! Stop!

Shut the show down!

Stopcock.
ARDAL: And now...

And now, sorry, just to defuse the
tension in the room,

could we all just say, "Bubbles."

Yeah, ha-ha, ha-ha.Bubbles!
LAUGHTER

Right, Greg. Points?

I'm sorry, pleasant fucker
didn't do it for me.

Pleasant fucker? Come on.

LAUGHTER
Ah!

Oh! Yes!

She's got you. She got you.

She got me. She got me good.

I'm going to have to take her up
from bottom place.

Ah. What? Wow.

I'm going to give Sophie two
points. Yes, yes.

I'm going to give cook book
and bubbles three points each.

OK, so joint third,
we have Ardal and Chris.

Pickles got me straight away. Mmm.

But now I feel I was battered down
by stopcock.

Well...

Um, four points to stopcock.

Pickles was a pure attempt.
She takes the five.

Five points to Judi Love.

Right, we're off.

Right. What's first, Alex?

Well, the cast are going to teach
you a lesson, Greg.

A history lesson. Ooh.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Judi. Hello, Sophie.

Hello, Alex.

You look nice. Pardon?

You look nice.
SHE MUMBLES

You've never said that before.
Thank you.

I've never thought it before.

I'm very good at finding
the actual task.

"Accurately and emotionally recreate
a great moment from history."

"Using these two traffic cones."

"Most accurate and emotional
recreation wins."

"You've got 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Oh, my God.

You know your history?

It's just everything that's not now,
isn't it?

Ahh. Something from history.

Joan of Arc.

Martin Luther King or...

I'm free.

I was thinking about doing
the moment from the VMAs.

Maybe you be Janet Jackson
and I'll be Justin Timberlake.

With the malfunction? Yeah.

That was a big moment.
That was a big moment.

Oh, I've got it. Ah.

I'm going to need some props.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

History by your definition is
everything that's not now.

But that... That's history now.
What you just said is as well, now.

I mean... I mean...
Is it everything that's not now?

It's... It's not, no.
History is recorded past.

History is recorded past?

Yeah. OK.

You get prehistory, which is
before that.

Prehistoric.

Hmm. That's why it's called that.

LAUGHTER

It's... You just learn.
You're always learning.

Shall we crack on
and see which emotional parts

of history they've decided
to represent?

Yeah, I should say, it's not...

The part of history didn't
need to be emotional,

it's the recreation had
to be emotional. Oh.

And accurate, just so we know.

All right, well,
we're going to start with

the oldest person here
by quite a bit,

so he has a clear
advantage from the off.

It's Ardal O'Hanlon's recreation.
Here we go.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

IMITATION GUNFIRE

WHOOSHING NOISES

HE IMITATES AIRCRAFT

IMITATION EXPLOSIONS

We must fight back!

IMITATION GUNFIRE

Yes! The Germans,
they're turning around!

HE ROARS

HE CHEERS

Let's see what's on the radio.

HE GURGLES

HE RANTS INDISTINCTLY

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# It's a long way to go! #

HE SIGHS

Thank you, Ardal, I've learnt a lot.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

It looked to me like
a seven-year-old boy shouting

and playing army by himself.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

I mean, I... You're usually very
fair, but on this occasion...

THEY LAUGH

Next, we're going
a bit further back in time,

with Sophie Duker showing off one
of her many voices. Here we go.

CROAKING AND RUMBLING

Daddy, what's that sound?

It sounds like the Earth is hungry.
GRUMBLING

I can't hear anything.

Achoo! Everything smells like eggs,
Daddy. What's going on?

Nothing to worry about.

You told me yesterday that the
dinosaurs would live forever

and ever and ever and never go
extinct. Is that true?

That's true.

RUMBLING

DEEP GURGLING

Argh!

Daddy!

Daddy!

You're on fire!

Ahh.

What's happening, Daddy?

You look like you're
in unimaginable amounts of pain.

Ahhh.

Don't leave me, Daddy. No. No!

Ahhh. Oh, God!

No!

APPLAUSE

A very... A very ambitious
application of the use of the cones.

Yeah. A lot of digital
stuff, though.

I don't know about the use of the
cones. Just had to get that in.

Yep. Wow.

But can I just say, can I...
can I just add I think that is

a fantastic moment, Sophie, from
prehistory. I think it's wonderful.

What! OK. All right.

I just...
LAUGHTER

No.

The man makes a good point and I...
This, no...

And I've only learnt this today.

We only learnt this today.

Well, we-we-we could debate whether
it's history or not for a long time.

I'll make a snap decision,
fair or not, within minutes.

THEY LAUGH

But now let's drill down into
the narrative.

I enjoyed the SFX.
I enjoyed the bubbling lava. Mm.

The only thing I question is
the characters within the piece.

Yeah. I wonder why your character
was, dare I say it,

a little irritating.

SHE LAUGHS

I just... I didn't want it
to be too, too sad.

Tick. Cos it's, yeah, OK.
No, it was, it was very sad.

But, I mean, like,
I think everyone here,

whether they're a dinosaur or not,
has a fear of going extinct.

I just found with that
character, I sort of was glad

she was getting made extinct.

DRUMMING

You heard the drums!
It's the end of part one.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello, again.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we are time travelling.

Ooh, we certainly are.

Our five comics have been busy

recreating moments in history
using two traffic cones.

Now it's time for a bit of unnatural
history with Dr Chris Ramsey.

Hmm.
Good day.

You join me on a historic day
for myself and everyone in my field.

I am a scientist from
Edinburgh University and today,

we finally did it.

The first time we've cloned from
an adult somatic cell

using nuclear transfer,

we've cloned a sheep.

This is Dolly the Sheep.

Didn't name that one.
No-one gives a shit.

This is Dolly the Sheep that
we've cloned.

Have we gone too far?

SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS

Has science gone too far?

Should I be playing god?

I don't know.

HE SOBS

APPLAUSE

Nice.

The cloning of Dolly the Sheep.

Because the cones were the same.

Oh, I see. Identical, them.

Yeah, yeah, they were.
Stuck some cotton wool on 'em,

job's a good 'un. Um...

But I... I seem to remember that
Dolly had a head.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, sorry, are you claiming that
your cone looked more like

a tank than mine looked
like a sheep?

I've never seen
a cylindrical sheep, I just...

Right. So it was...

It was inaccurate, but it was
emotional -

is that what we're saying?
He definitely was emotional.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

I just don't remember on the task
where it said about emotional.

What... That statement makes me
look forward to yours

more than you can imagine.
Who's next?

Uh, it's time for
a bit of Bridget Chr-istory.

SHE SNIGGERS

LO-FI MUSIC PLAYS

IN RUSSIAN ACCENT:It is Day Three
in the capsule.

It's quite lonely here
but trying to keep my nerve

because if I panic, I don't have
really have anywhere to go.

My heart is beating, but you know
however frightened I get,

I keep telling myself that
I have just orbited the Earth

and, you know, not many people from
my socio-economic background

get to orbit a nice ball,
let alone Earth.

I just need to be brave.

I would think of my mother, but I'm
a stray, so I don't have mother.

My name is Laika, and, now,
I'm ready to die.

APPLAUSE

Yeah? Yeah, a little one. Wow!
Just a...

LAUGHTER

Street dog, no mother,
and sent up to burn.

SIGHING

Was that why you put a pot lid...

LAUGHTER

It's all I had.

What was the name of
the dog, Laiko? Laika. Laika.

What did happen to Laika?

It's exactly that.

One orbit and then died
from the heat.

Oh, no. Poor Laika! I did like her.

LAUGHTER

A fitting tribute.

I'm just a bit, like,
overwhelmed with, like, like,

how much props and digital stuff
everybody else...

CHRIS GUFFAWS

Judi, I cannot wait to see yours.

Well, here we go, then.
It's the return of the Ju-di.

The J-J... The... The Judi.

EPIC ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS

BIRDS SQUAWK

MYSTERIOUS ADVENTURE MUSIC PLAYS

That's how they did it.

EPIC CRESCENDO

What is it?

It's the pyramids.

I'm an Egyptian queen
and I've built pyramids.

Thanks, Judi. Oh, what's your name?

Nefertiti.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thanks.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, I can see why you were
so vocal during the others.

Well, it's just...it's an emotional
thing for me, you know?

If you say to me, as a black
woman, tell us about your history,

I mean, hmm! Dark road, isn't it?

Do you know who built...
built the pyramids?

Wait, they didn't ask about it.
They just...

I'm just saying you sort of
glamorised slavery there.

That's what you...

You wanted emotion, right?

Yeah.

WAVERINGLY: And that...
Those two cones up there...

There we go.

..really demonstrated heartache -

like Sophie's just said.

And the fact that my art draws
the emotion after I've done it,

with just simple sand,

and a fucking crown...

What else do you need?
GREG CHUCKLES

I tell you what you need, one point.

LAUGHTER

And you can thank me for it.

Fucking rubbish!

LAUGHTER

One to Judi. Two...

I'm sorry.

I wasn't moved by Dolly the Sheep.

I'm sorry, Chris,
I've given you two.

Even though it was prehistory
and the dinosaur was annoying,

I'm giving Sophie three points
because of the ambition of it.

Because playing army by himself
brought about

such an emotional
reaction in Ardal...

I cried for you!
..I'm giving him four points.

Four points to Ardal O'Hanlon.
And I'm standing by it.

Can't believe it. I don't think
anyone will argue with me -

five sweet, sweet points go to
the emotional recreation of

the loss of Laika the Dog.
And that's an end to it!

Bridget Christie gets all five.

Right, let's have a look
at the controversial scoreboard.

Bridget is in the lead
with nine points!

APPLAUSE

Let's have another one.

And it's good news -
it's an annoying task!

Ooh! Gosh.

Hi, Alex.

Toys.

You like toys? I do like toys.

Can I?

Anything you want to say
to me about this task?

No.

"Make a..." Oh, God. Oh, God. OK.

"Make all of these things
happen at the same time."

"The monsters must be squatting."

"The robot must be walking."

ALL, OVERLAPPING: The marble
must be rolling.

CHRIS & JUDI: The cradle
must be clicking.

ALL: The sand must be falling.

CHRIS & ARDAL: The fidget spinner
must be spinning.

SOPHIE: The candles must be...
ALL: ..out.

BOTH: You must applaud when you
think you've finished.

ALL: Fastest wins.

Time starts now.

APPLAUSE

And I found just the task itself
to be irritating.

Yes, yes. Um...

Let's crack on, I say. Off we go.

OK. We're going to start
with three of them, A, B, C -

Ardal, Bridget and Sophie with a C.
Here we go.

SING-SONG: OK, so, how do
you make this guy walk?

How do you make him walk?

OK, I'm going to start with this
guy. Wait, where's, where's the...

Where's the, where's the hole?!

OK, what is it... OK. OK!

Oh, great.

OK, stop.

HE LAUGHS

Why were you saying stop?

Because everything was happening
that was supposed to.

Have you read the task properly?

I don't know.

OK, I'm going to sit on these.
Right.

Squatting.

We have three squatters.

Three squatters. Two squatters.

You stay, or I'll smash you
to pieces!

I've not got long left on
the candles.

Out, clicking, spinning, rolling.

I've stopped the clock.

SHE SIGHS

AUDIENCE OOHS

He's still going. Yeah!

Argh.

Just imagine that if you don't do
this, someone will take my cat.

It's these, it's these.
I hate these!

It's OK. It's all OK.

APPLAUSE

Well, it seemed to me that
the only person who had

any kind of system was Sophie.

She at least tried to stand on
the jumpy-up things.

Yeah, that was clever.

I sensed blind panic in you two.
You may disagree...

Not at all. I was glad
I couldn't do it.

LAUGHTER

You generated some nice quotes for
the Taskmaster quote book.

"You stay or I'll smash you
to pieces."

"Just imagine, if you don't do this,
someone will take my cat."

Alex asked Ardal why he'd stopped
and he said,

and I think I'm quoting here,

"Because everything was
happening like it was supposed to."

THEY LAUGH

And then within minutes of that, he
and the robot were both lying

on the floor kicking their legs.

GREG CHUCKLES

Obviously, we all...

There was at least one thing that we
didn't manage to get.

Well, there was definitely
for you, yes. Hmm.

Bridget seemed to find her groove
towards the end, though.

It's worth having another look at
Bridget cos it...

She was so close, we had to look at
it frame by frame at the end.

Wow. It's whether or not
the monster is squatting

when everything else is happening.

Click. It does click.

Click. Yeah.

CHRIS: It's a blur, innit?

SOPHIE: But it's up, it's up.

JUDI: Yeah, it clicked.

BRIDGET: Look, it's clicking.
I thought it was the...

It's that blur when it first clicks.

It blurs like it's about...
GREG: God, that blur is so...

But, Bridget, she didn't lie down on
the ground at the end.

The blur is weighing
so heavy on my mind.

OVERLAPPING SPEECH
It was so mean.

No, but it's up to him. Oh!

God, the blur!

I'm going to allow it.

She's done it! She's done it.

ROARING APPLAUSE

Right, let's have a break!

You're suffocating me.

I need to try and work out who I am.

There can't be an us until I find
me. Surely you understand that!

Yes. See you in a bit.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello!

We're back again and so is he!

Coo-ee! Before the break,
a plate-spinning task had begun.

The object is to get seven things
happening at the same time.

Monsters squatting, robot walking,

marble rolling, cradle clicking,
sand falling,

fidget spinner spinning
and candles snuffed.

Bridget is the only one
who's done it so far.

Now there are only two people
left that can do it.

It's time for Judi and Chris to look
silly with some toys. Here we go.

The candles must be out.

So what happens if
I blow them out now?

They'll be out.

So that's one bit done.

How are the marbles supposed
to roll?

How's a marble supposed to roll?
How's a marble supposed to roll?

How long will that go for?

OK. OK. OK!

You bastards are going last.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

This is ridiculous.
This is ridiculous.

This I can do for quite a while cos
I've got one in the house.

OK, I think I've got this. Yeah.

Right, I think I've got this.

Ah! I think I've got this. Yep.

OK, OK.

OK, OK, OK.

Hold on, hold on.

I've got this, hold on,

Hold on. I think I've got this.
Hold on.

Oh, God.

Have you got this?
I think so. Hold on.

OK.

I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

It's looking good.

I think I had that.
I think I had that.

I think I've smashed that task,
to be honest with you.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, bye. Bye, Judi.

I'm not sure what
the face was that you looked up

to Alex with at the end, but it was
one of great satisfaction, I think.

JUDI GIGGLES

Daddy?

I think it was a daddy look.

Did I do good, Daddy?

He had to check in...

JUDI: The little boy... The little
boy had to check in twice -

after he'd blown the candles out,

and then after he
completed everything. I... Well...

Cos I was expecting
Captain Dickhead here

to just keep lighting 'em again.

That is my full title.
Thank you, Chris.

How come Chris' candles
didn't relight? Yeah, yeah.

Did he just blow them out
with his super strong lungs?

No, he got there quick, that's what
you've got to do with those candles.

If you blow them quick enough,
they don't get down

to the ignition stage. Oh, really!
He seemed pretty efficient.

Yeah, he did succeed,
there's no doubt, in 2:57. Wow!

By stark contrast...

Judi, are you working on some
new catchphrases?

She was really trying.

I think I've got this...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Don't forget, "How's
a marble supposed to roll?

"How's a marble supposed to roll?"

You're in that moment
of that pressure,

you're in a room, it's all plastic,

you think you're going to get
chopped up.

Like, it's... I think I kind of went
into, like, the mum role.

Like, do you know what I mean?

Cooking, breast-feeding
at the same time.

Say... Say... Saying....
Drinking a glass of wine.

Saying sentences repeatedly. Yes,
that's what you say to the kids!

Sit down. Sit down.
Sit down. Sit down!

LAUGHTER

She applauded after 2:32 and we have
had to slow down the footage again -

so it's looking at the candle
and, again, the squatting monster.

It's looking good.

Yeah, I got it!

No way!

Ah... No!

No way.

They are not out. They're not out.

And that is not a squat.

But I... But, but, but... Ah.

I was the fastest to lose.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, you can take
that home with you.

Good. Let's award some points.

OK, well, Chris and Bridget
definitely get points.

Four points to Bridget,
five to Chris Ramsey.

APPLAUSE

The other three just didn't,
didn't do the task so...

So they get zero.
Yes, but we preserved our dignity.

Let's have one more task,
then, please!

Here we go, it's time to tick
something off my bucket list.

Oh, no.

Ha-ha, ha! What're you doing?

Something's different.
You cut your hair?

Is it your suit?

Oh, yeah. It's my special outfit.

I like seeing you in that
position, actually.

"Enable Alex to bite his duck."

"You may not encroach upon
the decking."

"Fastest wins."

"Also the person who gets Alex
the least wet gets a bonus point.

"Your time starts now."

So you have to be able to bite
the duck?

I just want to bite the duck.

Can you tell me how far
the duck is in?

Uh, the duck's at the bottom of
the bucket.

This is like a really filthy task.

APPLAUSE

You came up with this task,
didn't you?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you dressed yourself in pink.
I don't... Yep.

You tied yourself up. Yeah.

And you said that the challenge is
to help you to bite your duck.

Enable, I went for enable.
What's going on with you?

Well... I think you're going through
some difficult years.

LAUGHTER

It is creepy when someone ties
theirself up. I...

Or acts like they're so tied up.
Mm. Yeah.

But really they could set yourself
free. You did tie yourself up.

There were other people.
There was the camera crew...

You asked them to tie you up. Yes.
It's really weird, mate.

I think we're going to have to have
a little chat afterwards.

Yes. Anyway, the challenge is there
for these poor people to attempt.

Mm-hm. Who's first?

Well, sometimes they're a team,

sometimes they all just do
the same silly things.

It's Judi, it's Sophie
and it's Bridget

all at the same time, here we go.

Um, is your duck in there?

Yeah, I can see it.

Is it floating?

Not at the moment.
Right, can I use something, then?

It doesn't say I can't.

How big's your duck?

Below average.

LAUGHTER

It's fine. It's fine, Alex.
We've got this, babe.

All right.
I'm quite keen to bite my duck.

Can you bite the duck now?

No, you can't. Mm.

Come forward, Al...

AUDIENCE OOHS

I think he's eating it, isn't he?

APPLAUSE
Oh.

This is so good.

Like, it feels good, doesn't it?

Yeah.

OK.

This is amazing.
I'm so happy and proud of you.

Alex, you've got to work with me.

What do you want me to...

Bite it here.

Hold on.

Yes!

APPLAUSE

I should've thought
of that much quicker.

I'm disappointed in myself.
I really am.

Did you see how... Look,
he was really fighting against me.

Everybody else, you opened
your mouth WIDE enough!

And if you think of it on
a scientific level, right...

Ah, good. At last. Right?

..me and Sophie - look at
the height difference.

How did she reach so far in
for him to bite straight away?

Be... Because... That shows he
wasn't biting for me.

He should be leaning...
Listen, isn't it!

Look at the length. Put your arm
out. Put your arm out, girl!

Look at that! So that's
a scientific thing, you see.

Very similar techniques
from all three.

They were all very logical.

All the women, they weren't lured by
this, just a mention of water.

Uh... But let's... Let's...

And the bucket and the wellies!

Come on. Bridget, you've fulfilled,

unknowingly, one of
Alex's sexual fantasies

by turning him into a beekeeper.

LAUGHTER

He enjoyed...
He bit very hard on that duck.

He did. Yep. He did.

Bridget enjoyed it as well.
You had a big smile on your face

while feeding the duck in
one minute and one second.

ALL:Wow.
APPLAUSE

Sophie was 2:13. Judi, 3:15.
Oh, yeah.

So all sub, like, ten or four.

Yep. We've had three good attempts.

Right, that's the end
of that part. Bye!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello, again.

We have made it to the final part of
the show. What's left, Alex?

Well, I still want to
bite my duck, Greg.

So far, Judi, Bridget and Sophie
kindly enabled me to do so.

But will the boys also help me out,
and can they do it faster?

And let's not forget there's
a bonus point for

the person that gets me
the least wet.

Here, then, is how Ardal
and Chris got on.

Sorry, Alex.

Nothing went in the bucket.

This has worked quite well.

Yeah.

Is it biteable yet?

Not yet, no, Chris.

I don't want to get you wet, Alex.

So... Try something like this.

Mm-hm.

Anywhere?

Not yet. No.

I'm enjoying myself.

You can go fuck yourself, you can.

Pardon?

That's never going
to fill up, is it?

There's a hole in that bucket.

The question is - is it coming out
faster than it's going in?

I'd say it is going up.
But very slowly.

Are you getting close
to that duck yet?

I can't see the duck.
There's a pipe in the way.

Oh, my God, it's not even on
full power, you shit.

Here it comes.

Why is the shed getting wet?

Is it going out the end of
the shed? This is a good hose!

Oh, God.

I think plan A again, Alex.
I'm really sorry.

What if I tip the bucket?

Sorry, Alex.

Can you see the duck yet, Chris?

Can't see the duck.

He's having a nice time.
Is he? Yeah.

OK, that's just going to
take too long so,

just going to knock the bucket over.
Mm-hm.

Now you've got the duck.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hey! I've stopped the clock.

Told you we'd get there, Alex.

Uh-huh.

OK. See you. Thank you.

Doing some disgusting things
to that duck.

SLURPING

Yes. Yes!

Wow. Thank you, Chris.

It's OK, and just cos I think
the Taskmaster would respect it,

Ahhh!

ALEX YELLS

I don't even care about the points,
this is fucking great.

This is therapy.

Chris? Yeah?

You can go now. Thanks, mate.

OK.

Stick your duck up your arse.

GREG LAUGHS

Oh, Christopher, I've...

I've stopped giving bonus points,

but I can't tell you what
an absolute...

How right you were.

And how long that jet was.

And, you know, you've got to
share that glory

with Ardal, who immediately threw
a pan of water at Alex's face.

Chris was the last person to do
the task and he was the only one

who discovered the elaborate
hole in the bucket,

which went down through
a pipe into my wellies.

There we are.

So do you want to hear some times?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

OK, well, we know that
the fastest person was Bridget,

so it's five points to Bridget,
four to Sophie, three to Judi.

Ardal did it in 14:37.

Chris in 15:38.

Wow. So just the one point.

But there is a bonus point
for whoever kept me the driest.

I would say all three
ladies didn't wet me.

So all three ladies get
a bonus point.

I think so.

Perfectly acceptable.

All right, so, six to Bridget,
five to Sophie, four to Judi,

two to Ardal and one to Chris.
And we're done! We're done!

Right, please make
your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

APPLAUSE

Who's going to read it out?

Please can you read it out, Judi?
Girls.

"As a team, put one of your faces

"and one of your legs through
the hole."

I'm not doing that shit.

"The Taskmaster will guess whether
the leg belongs to

"the face or the other contestant.

"Most wrong guesses after three
rounds wins."

One at a time.

One of the teams...
JUDI CHORTLES

..will, uh...
POP!

..a face.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So it's three rounds each.
The boys are going to go first.

I want the men in the booth.

Men, please, go into the booth.
All right.

They're making their way into
the booth now.

OK. So they're now in.

And if you just scream, "I'm ready,"
when you're ready, please.

Quite tricky cos they're quite
of similar size, these two.

Well, I should make it clear
they are all wearing

the same size boot
and the same size boiler suit.

They are deliberately baggy.
They're all size nine boots.

So you can't be looking at
that detail.

Thank you.

ARDAL: Ready for the first one.

OK. I'm going to...
Watch out, hold on.

You sure you're ready?
CHRIS: Yeah.

OK, well, I'm going to
show you the face.

Of course, there's the little face.

Little Ardal's face.

And a boot, there it is.

It's going to be really hard.

I think that's Ardal's face.

GREG LAUGHS

But I think it's
Chris Ramsey's leg.

I'm now going to ask Chris Ramsey
to leave the booth.

Ah!

APPLAUSE

Lovely.

OK, please return to your spots.
Thank you.

And it's time for the...
Great work.

..ladies to enter the booth.

Where is he?

We don't know.

Oh, sorry!
GREG CHORTLES

Sorry.

Waiting in the booth for
the ladies.

Goodness me, Ardal!

GIRLS: Sh! We're ready.

You hear? Oh, they're ready.
They're ready, Greg. Ready.

Are you ready to see the face?
Oh, God, am I?

That's Judi Love. Yeah.

Is this Judi Love's leg?

Right, I believe it...

That it's Judi Love's face. Sure.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

But I do not believe it is
Judi Love's leg.

OK, so one at a time.

There's one lady not doing
anything - definitely.

Might be two, but if the definite
lady could leave the booth, please,

and return to your circle.

There they go. Ha-ha! Right.

I would now ask anyone who's not
Judi Love to leave the booth.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Ooh, ho-ho!

APPLAUSE

I'm having an absolute shocker.

I can't...

LAUGHTER

It's like they're pulling
a dead body out of there.

JUDI: Oh!

Oh, so it's one-one.

Well, I mean, it's electric.

We got to do this again?

Twice more.

Pop the boys in the booth.
Boys in the booth.

Boys in the booth.

Pull the curtain!

Hmm.

You disappointed
with yourself, Greg?

No, it was a sort
of pleasurable "hmm."

CHRIS, MUFFLED: Ready.

OK, they're ready, Greg.

Here's Chris' face, presumably.

Yeah. OK, but is this part
of Chris Ramsey?

Ooh, what an angle.

I mean, it's very clever.

Does that leg belong to that face?

Against my instinct,
I'm going to say that leg

does belong to that face.

I'm going to ask Ardal O'Hanlon
to leave the booth, please.

Fuck!

AUDIENCE OOHS

Greg, you got it right.
You were right.

I was right!

The door has opened for the women.

Right, so now I know,

I must do the opposite to
what I actually think.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

OK, women, please, go back into the
booth. Would you mind?

MUFFLED SPEECH

Course not.

Whose face do you think you're
going to see, Greg?

FEMALE VOICE: Ready.

Oh, now... Now that the voice has
been disguised, I don't know.

It's Bridget. Ooh.

Yes. But is that Bridget? Oh.

I don't believe that's
Bridget's leg.

OK, could the spare part
please leave?

GRUNTING

I still feel confident. I knew it
wasn't Sophie's little leg.

OK, if you're not Bridget Christie,
please leave the booth.

AUDIENCE OOHS

They've done it again!

APPLAUSE
I should've known,

with all the ooh, ah, ah.
I should've known.

The women can't lose now.

But can the men at least get
a draw? The final time.

So, basically, we've won?

SOPHIE: Yep.

Well, you might draw if they do it
and you don't on the last one.

Sorry, Judi. Yes, you've won.

LAUGHTER

ARDAL: We're ready.

Oh, quite quick, this one.

SHE SQUEAKS

Oh, I just trod on something.

MUFFLED: Oh!

I think that's Ardal's foot.

Well, let's see.

It's Chris' face.

Is that Chris' leg?

Make some noises, make some
weird noises, Ardal.

Ooh!

BRIDGET & SOPHIE: # It's a long
way to Tipperary... #

LAUGHTER

It's Ardal's leg.

Well, if you're not Chris Ramsey,
please leave the booth.

BRIDGET: Oh.

Bugger!

It was Ardal's leg.

See if you can do three for three.

Oh, for fuck's sake, hun.

LAUGHTER

They've beaten you twice,
though, Greg.

Yeah, they won't beat me
a third time.

FEMALE VOICE: We're ready.

Right. Yeah.

It's Judi again. OK.

And there it is, dangling.

I think that is not
Judi Love's leg.

As always, I'll ask one of you
to leave the booth.

Is it your leg again?

It's... It's my leg, babes.

Send Sophie out, then.

There it is, three for three.

It was.

Right, come back down here

and we'll see how that's affected
the final scores!

APPLAUSE

Welcome back. Thank you, Greg.

Ladies, you did very well.

Mm-hm. We tricked you.
The boys deceived me once.

I am dictating.

The points will be scored thus.

Two points per person
per deception.

AUDIENCE OOHS

OK, which means the men
get two points each.

Correct. Yeah.

The women get six points each.

In terms of the series,
Chris is no longer in the lead.

Bridget has stolen that from him.

What? Because in this episode, she
has won by a landslide nine points.

She has 25 in total. Wow.

Bridget Christie. Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm shocked!

Ooh!

Bridget Christie wins Episode Three!

Please go and gather and giggle at
your unusually named artefacts.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, we'll do this again soon,

but in the meantime, let's celebrate
tonight's big winner.

It's Bridget Christie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media