Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 12, Episode 9 - Nothing Matters - full transcript

It's the penultimate episode of the series. Can Alex Horne give Desiree Burch goosebumps?

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
Ah! Nn! Spla! Ooh! DING!

Is this a joke?


Mm. Oh! Urgh!

Hrm! Agh!

Oh, I like that!

Ah! Wow! Hm.

Hi! Hello! Welcome, each
and every one of you, to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, and I've kept
my puppy fat into middle age

to make me one cuddly tower
of man beef.

But I'm not here to spoon you -
I'm here to pass judgment!

Our five brave warriors are reaching
the end of the competition now

and are coming out the other end

with a better understanding
of themselves thanks to this show.

As one of them put it
to me backstage,

"Hold me, I feel like
I've been alone my whole life."

Here they are, then,
for the ninth time -

Alan Davies...

..Desiree Burch...

..Guz Khan...

..Morgana Robinson...

..and Victoria Coren-Mitchell!

And now for a man who's
a bit lost when we're off air

and passes the time
by setting himself tasks.

Tasks like, "Try and make yourself
look like a blow-dried otter."

"Cry when you go to the toilet
for a number two"

"because you still don't understand
what's happening."

And, "Show off to girls by
pretending you're modest and nice."


Little Alex Horne!

Hello, Greg. I've got
a business proposition for you.

Oh, wow. A proposal. Great.

I will offer you 25%
of everything I've got

if I can come round
to your luxury pad... Yeah?

..and that's it.
I just want to visit once. Could I?

Oh, no. No? No, I'm afraid not.

50% of everything I've got.

No, I don't want anything.
I could come round for 20 minutes,

you can have 80%
of everything I own.

No, I-I-I don't want anything
to do with you.

Yes. Worth a try, though,
wasn't it? Worth a try.

Yeah, it was. Really good.

Right, what's the penultimate
prize task, Alex?

Well, Greg, you demanded they bring
in 40 things that are all the same

and can all fit on a towel
and are the best.

That's correct, I did.

Yes. The best same 40 things
that fit on a towel

will be gifted five huge points

and the winner of today's episode
will take home all 200 things -

and we'll even
throw in the towel... s.

Very good.Mm. Morgana?

I knew you'd pick on me.

French fries. OK.

Yes, here are Morgana's 40 chips.

Carbohydrates - they're
the building blocks of society.

You're a very charming woman,
but good luck.

Are you serious? Deadly.

Chips are dope!

Any time - hot, cold, sunny...

..Riviera, Skegness.

Oh, my God, I... I think McCain
are ringing.

"Ch-chips are dope any time!"

Victoria. Yes?

Er, apart from one absolute
flash of inspiration,

you've traditionally
done terribly in this round.Mm.

I put it to you,
you're going to struggle

to do worse than a handful of fries.

Yeah. Ah, well, I...

I think I've done better
cos I've also brought food.

Shall we have a look?
Here they are.

Cherry liqueurs.

I think they are the best thing
just as an absolute.

Some people say
that's, you know, penicillin

or, you know,
the internal combustion engine

or Joyce's Ulysses. I say no -
cherry liqueurs are the best thing.

Sorry to interrupt,
do you think that cherry liqueurs

are better than the internal
combustion engine?

You could say
the internal combustion engine

has ruined the planet. Oh, it has.
And I like Ulysses

but it sort of drags a bit
after chapter 17. It does.

But these - they are perfect.

So it's chocolate or chips so far.

OK. Desiree, what did you bring in?

40 tiny trophies on a towel.

Inside of each trophy
you've also got a pound coin,

because nothing beats money, right?

Like when you get a card
from your mum,

you're like, "Yeah, thanks."

When there's a fiver in it, you're
like, "Holy crap, Mum!" Right? So...

Holy crap, Mum!


That is absolutely delicious.
She's swept in for the big points.

Hey, Guz.

Tell you what I bought in. Good.

40 tennis balls on a massive towel.

Oh, God. Here they are.

Here they are.

Let me explain, let me explain.
You see tennis balls now, yeah?

You just think they're for tennis.

No! they can immediately
turn any situation

into a competitive situation.

Look, I've got a tennis ball here.
Bow! Hit it!

If your nan's got osteoporosis,
roll it to your nan.

Or if you want to get aggressive...
Why am I the nan?

..and she's quite fit and healthy,
just lob it! Bang!

Look how the whole game changed!

Did I hear you right?

"If your nan's got osteoporosis...

"roll it to her - bam"?

Yeah, like, gently to her.

Right, Alan. The pressure's on
for you to beat everybody.

N-nearly everybody.

I sort of focused
on the towel, really.

And I managed to find
a commemorative towel

from your home town, Wem.


Clever. Oh!

And atop it, I have 40 tiny glasses
of fizzy Blue Nun.

- My favourite wine.
- Whoa.

That is, that's strong, bro.
Wow, OK.

Oh, Wem.

Land of my father!

I'm ready to make judgment.

Chips, one point.

One point to Morgana.

This is really controversial,
I think.

I think I'm going to get in trouble
for this.

Two points to Victoria

because I really want his towel
full of coloured tennis balls.

I haven't even got a nan!

So two to Victoria. Yeah.Right.

Three to Guz.
Er, Desiree, you almost took it,

but he's tapped into personal
sentimentality for me, and ego.

Yeah. But you came very close -
four points to Desiree.

Five points to Alan.

And Wem forever!

Five points to Alan. APPLAUSE

There it is.

OK, what's first, Alex?

We're going to have a bit of
a chinwag and some idle chitchat.


Oh, is it like an advent calendar?

What do you mean?


Do you have a favourite number,

I normally say 7
but actually I quite like 12.

What do you think of 5?

Excellent. Versatile.

Prime number, so happy alone
or with friends.

Oh, my God.

"Have the longest
telephone conversation

without the other person knowing

"you are trying to have a long
telephone conversation." Understood.

This is awful.

"During the call, you must not
mention television or Taskmaster."

This is awful.

"Every minute, you must reveal"

"and carry out an action
from the board."


"If the person you call says
any of the key words,"

"you must hang up immediately."

Oh! This is awful! This is awful!

"You must call someone
within two minutes from now."

All right.



I've got no idea who to ring.

I think I'm going to call my mum.
Mrs Morgana?

Actually I'm going to call my dog.

It doesn't have... It doesn't
have a phone, does it? Um...

Oh! It's not fair! Just awful!

My best friend. My comrade.

No, not you this time, sorry.

You're going to get there one day.
Not now.

I'm going to ring the water board,

cos they've recently sent me
an absolutely enormous bill

for a leak that wasn't my fault.

Just... Oh! SHE LAUGHS

I could ring... No.

This is awful.

Given that you can contact anyone,
why is this such-such a horror?

Oh... it was awful.

I'm not a practical joke person.

I find practical jokes aggressive...
Awful... and-and... Oh!

Look, let's crack on.
Let's have a look.

We're going to get Victoria's shame
out the way, and... Oh!

..add to it
with a little bit of Guz.

Here we go, Victoria and Guz.


Oh! Off we go.

Right. So...

Hello. Hello, how are you?

I'm all right.

Yo.Sorry, I was on the phone.

Who were you on the phone to, blud?

A supplier.
I need to phone them back.

No, it's really urgent shit, blud.
That's why it's really urgent shit.

There's something I really
need to convey to you

because of this serious situation.

Sorry, blud. My flipping... You know
it's cos I ain't been getting sleep.

Blud, I've been stressed.
What you stressed for?

Just life, brother, life.
We're getting older.

What have... what have...?

What-what-what-what have...
what have you been up to?

The same old, same old,
nothing very exciting.

I've had a bit of a...

Sorry, I'm sorry.
Do you know what?

I'm sorry, I, um...

You're in a giggly mood.
Been afternoon drinking?

I haven't been afternoon drinking.
You know what?

I haven't been drinking that much
cos I had weird thing

with the dentist and weirdly
I had a problem with my tongue.

I won't tell you about that,
but I've been drinking less.

But how have you...?
how have you been?

A mixed couple of weeks but, er...

It's been a terrible year.
No, it has been a bad year.

This is impossible!

You have got the giggles!
I have got... Honestly.


I need to call her back.

No, but hold on listen,
she can... she can wait.

Bill, you've not been giving me

the kind of attention that I deserve
of late, of recent.

I feel like our spiritual connection
has gone, brother.

Well, you know it's a tough world.
It doesn't get any easier.


Me and you are never not going to be

what we're supposed to be and what
me and you's supposed to be, Bill,

is-is brothers. Is brothers.

And we know that lady can wait.
Hold on.

Yeah, I should have, um...

Well, that won't be a problem.

We're going to get real serious

..gave me a big, slobbery kiss.

But it's nice
that you went out, though.

Cos it's been
weird weather. Hasn't it?


Don't put pressure on me.

I'm trying to express myself
in different ways, bro.

We've known each other 25 years and
you ain't heard me do this before.

It sounds like I'm playing what?

You're a clever wallah. Here you...

You have to hang up.


There was a lovely rainbow,
did you see that?

No, I-I must have missed
the rainbow.

Oh! I'll-I'll call you later,
I'll call you later.


I forgot they had to not say it!

I can't believe he said harmonica.
He didn't even...

He didn't even get any GCSEs
and he knows what a harmonica is.

What a guy!

This is absolutely one
of my favourite tasks ever.

You did a lovely bit of work
with the tongue thing.

You very quickly moved on
from the subject.Yes.

Guaranteeing that
he wouldn't repeat it,

but I think he helped you throughout
by sounding pretty down.

He did!

I wrote down a couple of things.

"Oh, it's been a terrible year."

"It's a tough world,
it never gets easier."

So he-he was filling
your silences nicely.

You don't even see your friends
for months at a time,

it was a bad period of time where
we just weren't seeing our friends

so when you ring,
it really means something to them -

"Oh, it's lovely to hear from you" -
and what they want is...

They don't want you there -
"Grr! What weird weather!"

"Ooh, my tongue's strange."

It's not the conversation...

I think you probably
gave him a lift!

It's a good job it's your best
friend, Guz, that you rang,

because you went in
pretty hard on him.

The way you were blowing
the harmonica,

to say, "Don't put pressure on me",

"we've known each other
for 25 years"

"and I'm trying to express myself
in different ways."

He did go unfortunately, though,
in the second minute.

1 minute 46 was the length
of his phone call. Oh, no. Oh.

Compared to 3 minutes 41 till
Victoria's friend said rainbow.

So it's a...
It felt like 1,000 years.

So Victoria is in the lead.

So far. Next up, it's time to learn

how Alan Davies
speaks to people on the phone.

Hello? Hey. Hey, Bec, how are you?

Hey! Good. How are you?

I'm all right. I...

I've just... HE YAWNS

..been napping.

You've just called me to yawn?!

Ah, you've got to hang up now. Oh.

Got to hang up now.



I'm going to have to text her.

I haven't texted her
for a couple of years.

Not even seen her
since I went to her wedding in 2015.

Oh, I'd better ring Bec.

Oh. OK. Thanks, Alan.

Wow. I mean,
it couldn't have gone worse.

I actually don't think...

I can't remember
ever talking to her on the phone.

So she must have thought,

"This is a bit weird for Alan Davies
to ring me."

"Someone must have died
or something!"

OK, let's have a break.

Not for good, silly.
It's a trial separation.

I'm crazy about you.

Hello, and welcome back!

Before the break, there were some
protracted conversations going on.

Yes, the contestants
are trying to have

the longest conversations
with an unsuspecting contact

while completing little extra tasks
along the way.

And if their contact says
any of the key words,

they must hang up immediately.

Finally it's the garrulous Desiree
and the loquacious Morgana.


Oh, God.

I don't even know what I'm doing.
Shall we just do it? Good luck.

Good morning.
Good morning, how are you doing?

Yeah, well.

Got to work that out.

Hello.Hello. How are you?

Oh, I'm OK, I'm OK.

We're just having
a very late lunch. Oh, my God!

I know, so late.

I was just like,
"Oh, Morga-a-a-ana-a-a-a!"


..ate a meal with, er...

..sir... the NCCA and...


How's the doggy? Oh, doggy's fine.

And I thought, you know, when you're
doing your tasks when you sit down

and talk about what you're doing,

you could bring your name up
then anyway.

You have to hang up.
A bit of leftover...

..your drama club donation -
I deeply appreciate it. Of course.


How was your Thanksgiving?
Oh, I actually wound up

getting this lovely company,
er, delivering food

but one of the things just like...

I don't know if it's a new allergy,
it just made my tongue swell up

and I was like, "Yeah, uh... Huh?!"

I think it might have been
the cranberry sauce,

which is weird cos, er, cranberry's
supposed to be so good for you

but, you know,
I guess it gets rid of UTIs

and gives you, um...
other lovely problems.

Did you have
a terrible vegan Thanksgiving?

Actually, it was really tasty
with my parents.

We got to have, like,
the official thing -

the turkey, mashers and, you know,
mac and cheese, pumpkin bread

and all the stuff, which was great.
and then Thanksgiving brunch.

But it was good.

I was thinking this morning
about how many different people

you get to be, you know,
in-in one lifetime.

Yeah, I get to... Yeah, I suppose.

I mean, it's weird cos while
you're doing the ceremony,

I imagine you're quite isolated.

I mean, it's kind of not
as bad as getting drunk.

What are you up to right now?
How was this year?

I mean, it was... Yeah, like...

It was a really
good learning experience.

Um, have you ever seen a rainbow?

Is this a trick question?

No, I mean, just have
you ever seen a rainbow?

You know, er, like it is...

It's kind of both there
and not there.

And I love that you think of
the rainbow, that you're...


Um... Damn, we were so close.
We almost had it all, Dave. Fine.

That was... that was sick! Come on!

That's two ones in a row now.
The good news, Greg, for Morgana

is that it still
wasn't nearly as bad as Alan.

It was 53 seconds compared to 20.

Desiree, er, who did you ring?
Was it a friend, or...?

Yes, it was my best friend, Dave.
So... Right.

..yeah, he will accept me
in any condition. So...

I knew it was going to be a long one

when you, er, opened by yawning
at Dave and he simply yawned back.


It just seemed like
two friends who were...

..really comfortable
in each other's company.

You played the right game.
You avoided the words beautifully.

But then, after a certain point,

you just sounded
like you were both stoned.

Yeah. No...

8 minutes 27 -
very impressive from Desiree.

So Alan gets one point,
two to Morgana,

three to Guz with his 1 minute 46,

four points to Victoria,

but five to Desiree
with her 8 minutes 26. There it is.

Oh, yes. Thank you, Dave.

Hey, let's see a scoreboard then.

In this episode,
they've all got multiples of three.

Morgana on three,
Victoria, Guz and Alan all on six,

Desiree's in the lead
with nine points! Marvellous.

Give me more!

Sure. Yes, more. Here we go.

This one is a discombobulating game
of hide and seek.

Guz... Alan...

Victoria... Morgana...

Oh, hello there.

How's it going?

This is not...
Nothing makes any sense.

Quite restricted peripherally.

You're restricted peripherally?

I look like a superhero, don't I?

"Strike the soldier
with your throwing paint."

Which apparently
is a thing I have.

Are you a soldier?


"The soldier will say your name
every five seconds."

"You may not remove
or tamper with your helmet."

"Fastest wins."

"My time starts when
I'm correctly wearing my helmet."

You're wearing half the helmet,
Alan. Am I?

That's the other half.

But that should help you
find the soldier. OK.

I can barely see as it is?

Oh, my goodness!

Ooh, weird.

Oh, God. This is horrible.


What can you see, Guz?

Oh, I see. You're cheeky.
You're a cheeky man, Alex.

I can see... Oh, well, that's...
Wait. This is ridiculous.

You're talking to me
from, I guess, here,

and I'm seeing you there.

I can see, er, behind me.

Great. So I'm holding
your throwing paint. Yeah?

I've also got a big stick
called a nipper

and if you bump into anything,

I'm going to prod you with it
to stop it happening.

Is it electric? I don't think so.

OK, it looked like
the one they use on cows.

So I-I'm starting the clock.

Argh! And you're there?
I'm starting the clock,

and the soldier will say your name
every five seconds.


Victoria... Victoria...
Victoria... Victoria...

A classic eyes in the back
of your head game.

It is eyes in the back of
the head time.

We're going to see Desiree
and Guz first of all.


Desiree... Desiree...

This is the beginning
of a very weird horror film.

OK. I see you.


Who said my name?


All right, homey, I'm coming.


You really take your eyes
for granted

until everything's backwards.


Oh. Is that it? Oh, wait.
I should...

You're just about to hit it.

Was that him?

I'll put it back up.


Who is that?


Where's he's actually gone?

Is that a soldier
or a walkie talkie?

What? Wait...


Oh. Well, how is that supposed
to help me?

Where is he, man?


Dude, where are you?

I think he can only say "Desiree".



Why am I taking this with me?

Surely that's not going to help.

Whoa! Who's that?


Alex, see the technique I'm using?

Yeah, you're pressing the button
to make noises.

It goes "beep-beep" - like that.


Is there any more danger?

Er, yeah, there's danger
right in front of you.


There's... That's a big glass panel.


Is this the door?

Desiree. Yeah!

Where are you, mate?
I'm coming for you.


What is this attached to, brother?

What's that?

Is this going to take me
where I need to go?


Don't you worry, Guz is coming.


Yeah, there is a pond
ahead of you now, so...

There's a what? There's a pond?!
Yeah, there's a little pond.


I'll give you "Guz".

You have struck the soldier
with the paint.

Desiree worked out that
the walkie talkie was a red herring,

and she often walked backwards,
which makes sense

because her eyes
are in the back of her head.

Guz, you went for
a slightly different technique.

You went for walking forwards

and occasionally taking up
an aggressive ninja stance.

The thing is, he's not
the best person to be with

if impending danger
is round the corner, yeah?

You could... Cos... You could have
stopped that sentence way earlier.

He was late on it. And I could
see him in that camera, innit,

and he had a little smile on
his face... Yeah.

..when I was about
to bump into something,

and he'd just tell you
at the last second.

"Oh, be careful."
Do you know what I mean?

But he wanted you
to hurt yourself - that's him. Yeah.

I didn't want to...
I just didn't want to...

I didn't want to nip in too early
if the nip was unnecessary,

then sometimes I was too late.
12 minutes 54 from Guz. Wow.

And what was Desiree's?
8 minutes 30.

Oh, hey. Pretty swift.
So far the fastest.

Advert time!

Go and order a load
of plastic stuff you don't need

so that a billionaire
can waste money on rockets.

Hello! Here we are again.

I know, right?

Before the break, there was
a man hiding, and there still is.

With a camera feed showing
only what's behind them,

our rivals had to tread carefully
but swiftly

to find the silly soldier
in the ghillie suit.

Next it's good old, old Alan,
and Victoria.

Um... Alan.

Ooh, I heard someone say my name.

Came from that direction.

Ah, this is really strange.




Yes, all right. I know.
I-I'm coming.


I... Can they say something else?

Can't even think where my hand is.

Is that him standing on the pillar?

Victoria. Ah! Stop it!

Why do they keep saying "Victoria"?

Victoria. Ah!

Oh, that didn't help, did it?


Ah. You've gone off somewhere else.


What shall I do, then?
What do you think you should do?

Turn it off, make it stop.

I'm coming upon
another walkie talkie.

It's got something attached to it.
What does that do?

I can't see a soldiser. Alan.



Oh, that's outside.

Oh, my lord. Should I go outside?


I don't even really understand where
that door is, never mind the voice.

Which door?

Well, is that a door?
Is it a window?

I can't tell.
I think there's a door somewhere.

There is a door
directly behind you. Alan.

What's this here?
Is this a direction?

Can I just stay here?

Oh! So it means it's here, right?
Wh-what is there?

The door that I just saw.

Well, there's another walkie talkie.

Do you think we should turn it off,
like we did the other one?

Oh. You can look
where you're going, but...

Well, I can't, can I?
Oh, yes, I can. Yeah.

OK. Yes! What?! That was a person!
Where was it? Where is it?


I feel like I'm going to
fall to my death.

Is the thing in the middle
of the path like a well?

I mean... It's a pond.

Why would I just walk blindfolded
towards a pond?

You're not blindfolded.
You can see.

And I think I've found the soldier.


Have you found the soldier?
Well, I don't know.

There's a sort of Christmas tree.
Is that it there?

I've stopped the clock, Alan.


How did that go?

I've stopped the clock.

You know, for two people
who are, yeah, pretty well known

for being intelligent,
it is incredible to watch.

I mean, Victoria,
until she got outside,

never at any point
considered walking backwards.

No. I mean, would you say
that not wanting to walk backwards

blindfolded towards a pond
is not a sign of intelligence?

But when you were indoors,
never at any point did you think,

"I should use this camera
that's on the back of my head."

Never occurred to me.

Literally, until I saw you do that,
never crossed my mind.

And just to go to the next level,
at one point,

Alan tried to speak down
a walkie talkie through his camera.

So I think it's fair to say
there was a level of confusion.

I'm expecting
incredibly slow times.

Victoria was only
a minute slower than Guz.

13 minutes 30.

But compare that
to Alan's 19 minutes 20.

We were going round and round
those corridors for quite some time.

Lovely. Finally...

Yes, finally, it's Morgana!


Oh, that's really tough.


Oh, this is a good idea, actually,
isn't it?

Morgana. Is it? Oh.


Give me my stuff.



I've stopped the clock.


Thank you.
Thank you, Morgana. Thanks, guys.

I mean that was lightning fast,
wasn't it?

She walked backwards for a little
bit but largely was just fearless.

She, er, went the right way,
which helped.

And then she was passing the door
when the soldier spoke.

Whereas Guz just carried on down
that corridor at that point.

To be honest...
I mean, I've got to tell you this.

..I could see a little bit.


Because... I think it's cos my eyes
are bulgier than everyone else's.

So I could see there wasn't any,
like, immediate obstacles.

But, I mean, what I would say...

..if you're going to saddle a horse
up make sure you saddle it up right,

but don't blame the horse. Yeah.

Oh, hang on a minute.
I put the saddle on the horse.

Hm. Yeah. Ah, well, disqualified.

So... No!
No, I'm joking, I'm joking.

It's not my day,
Victoria! It's not your fault.

You're not disqualified.
It's not your fault. Am I not?

There's only one person to blame
for you being able to see,

and that's the person,
as you quite rightly... Oh.

..pointed out... I'm so sorry, Alex.
..fitting the equipment.

and he'll be punished off-camera
in the traditional way.

Not the traditional way!
Yes, the traditional way!

Um, well done.
She takes the points.

Well, she did do it in 1 minute 39.

She was moving so much swifter
than anyone else, so I think

it would've happened anyway,
I'm pretty sure. Ratified!

With that ratification,
it means Alan was the slowest -

he gets one point.
Then Victoria gets two, Guz three,

four to Desiree but five
swift points to Morgana Robinson!


And I should like one more, please.

I won't let you down.

And this one
sends shivers down my spine.

Hello. Hi, Alan.

Hi, guys.

"Get goosebumps."

"Your goosebumps
must be revealed in the lab."

"Fastest wins."

What's the last line? What?
What's the last line?

Oh, OK.

"Your time starts now"!

Great. Well, let's get into it.
Let's see who got goosebumps.

There are lots of types
of goosebumps, obviously.

There's a series of books
called Goosebumps,

which were in the caravan, but
let's see how these guys did it.

Here is a bit of Burch,
a clip of Khan

and some more Morgana.

Have they got...? They got to do
with temperature, innit?

I don't the best place
to get goosebumps.

I don't think
this is going to work.

Is anything happening here?

I can't see any goosebumps.

Extreme heat to extreme cold.

Yeah, I'm going to shove it
in my sleeve, yeah?

Let's get cold.

Extreme heat
coupled with extreme cold.

If I just...

That's warm.

Can you...? Can you blow on my neck?

Is that a thing
I can ask you to do?

I think I might just stand outside
and then come, run back in.

Sure. That's not worked.

Is it working?

I don't...

All I feel is moist! SHE LAUGHS

I don't feel anything bumping.

Right, let's check.
I feel cold and that.

Have we got any?

Yeah, it's reddening there
but there's no goosebumps.

Hold on a minute.
You got to shock yourself.

Ooh! It's about
to get wild in here today.


Cor! It's leaking in my crack.

I don't know how
to manufacture them bumps.

I mean, being scared,
but I don't know...

Like, I'd have
to be like petrified like in a...

Are there any ghosts in this house?

How about I just...?
Why don't you try and shock me?

Boo! Boo. No, I mean...


Better. Be better than that.

"20 scary ghosts videos
you won't watch right now." Yes!

Are you sc...? Are you scared yet?

No. Show me them ghosts.


Again. Argh!

No, it's not... Argh!

It's not scary enough!

This is terrible.

It has to come at me or something.

Argh! Whoa, that's...!



It's not working, mate.

I've stopped the clock.

Hmm, there's some bumpage.
I'm not crazy -

look at those follicles,
they're definitely enflamed.

I've stopped the clock.

This is only other another idea
I had.

This chicken was trying to shag
a goose outside.

So it contracted...

..goosebumps. You can confirm it.

Feel-feel-feel that.
Feel that there.

What is that? That's a bump. Huh.

It's an apple.

You weren't supposed to take it out,
isn't it? It's a bump, isn't it?

It's an apple.
Did you want me to stop the clock

after finding the apple
in the chicken? Probably, yeah.

I've stopped the clock.


Guz, the mistake that you made
was to employ the services of Alex,

because he's the least scary person
on Earth.

So you asking him to blow
on your neck was hell for Alex.

You'll notice he had to go
and get a pipe and a fan

to distance himself from you.

His poor wife. It's awful.

Well, we've got
a lovely pipe at home.

It's a bit more colourful
than that one.

Ah, you've got your romance pipe.
Yes. The loving pipe.

If it's any consolation, Guz,
you putting ice down your back

and then it dripping into your
arse crack gave me goosebumps.

Morgana, what we actually saw
was you running outside

and then returning
with goosebumps

and I've-I've filled
in the narrative. And hoo-hoo!

I shouted, "Everybody stay inside!"

And then I ran out
and I literally stripped off

and I-I got my, all my bare skin
and I sort of hugged the dome.

Yeah. Right, OK.It worked.

I've got goosebumps again.

She got her goosebumps visibly
in 2 minutes 49.

Wow! Wow. So it's pretty speedy.

Desiree, did she get
some goosebumps? She did.

Yeah, they weren't
massively visible but...

I'm sorry my goosebumps
aren't big enough to satisfy you.

But, you know... Yes, yes.

..the pipe didn't really
get me there, Alex.

It was difficult
to pick them on camera

but it was 24 minutes 30
of desperation that got us there.

What about old drippy crack?


Well, it depends if you accept that
there was a bump on that goose.

I categorically do not accept that.

Well, in that case, he gave up
after ten and a half minutes.

Right! One part left,

and soon someone will win
a few old chips

and some coloured tennis balls.

This, my friends,
is primetime Channel 4!

See you soon.

Hello, and welcome back to
the final part of episode nine.

What's left to finish, Alex?

Goosebumps, Greg.

They're trying to get them
as fast as they can.

The route-oners - Desiree,
Guz and Morgana -

had some success with ice.

But what will the wise old sages,
Alan and Victoria, come up with?

It's been so cold and now it's...

..it's sort of warm.

Oh, I can leave the room.
Can I leave the room?

Oh, all the information's
on the task.

What do you think gets goosebumpy?

Do you think it's your writing hand
or your non-writing hand?


How long do goosebumps
take to arrive?

This is a very thick jumper
I've got on. Mm?

Maybe I should take that off.

I realised that plan wouldn't work
because it's too warm in here.

So I've drawn them on.


Ooh, look at those goosebumps,
ooh. Oh, look at that.

I've stopped the clock. Is that
what you wanted me to do? Yes.

OK, I hope you go and get war...
Oh. Right.

I've warmed up. SHE LAUGHS

I mean, at the moment,
I'm getting more sort of...

..frostbite and chilblains.

I'll go outside for a minute.

Sitting outside on
a winter's afternoon

in a T-shirt with your hands
in a bowl of ice.

How can I add to this?

Someone else's goosebumps?
A goose?


Those are chicken legs -
they've got bumps on.

Do you want me to stop the clock?

I've stopped the clock.
You've got goosebumps. Hmm.

Your hand... Your hands are red.
Going to put them under a hot tap.


I mean, if the task had been

"Make yourself look like
a plague victim..."

Just absolute rubbish.

Well, it's up to you.
Did these guys get goosebumps?

Well, Victoria didn't.

Wait, had someone
gone to the caravan

and got the books called Goosebumps

and brought them in,
would you have accepted that?

Yes, or shown us a clip on YouTube
of the movie Goosebumps -

that would've counted. So it didn't
have to be literal goosebumps.

Figurative goosebumps
were acceptable. Yes.

Therefore ones created
by arts and crafts - acceptable.

Yeah, if they look like goosebumps.
I think that is the problem.

Yours were... Well...
..not bumps or goosey.

Do-do the books - the Goosebumps -
look like goosebumps?

No, but they're called Goosebumps.
They do say...

Well, those, I call
them goosebumps. You, you do.

But you're not known nationally
as "old goosebump arm", are you?

I WASN'T. So you can't just...

Well, yeah, that's a good point.

So if she gets the nickname
"old goosebump arm",

you'll give her a point?

If I see evidence on the internet
that the name "old goosebump arm"

has stuck for you, then I will
retrospectively award you points.

It would make her win this task.
She was 58 seconds to get her...

Hmm... old goosebump arm.

Alan, you had very cold hands...
Was really cold.

..and then you,
in a fairly lacklustre way,

brought in a packet of chicken legs.
End of task.Yeah.

Goosebumps are called goosebumps
cos they resemble

the skin of-of fowl
including chicken thighs.

He was also very slow.
13 minutes 51. So...

So it doesn't matter?

Well, nothing matters, but...

We haven't got time
for an existential crisis!

It looks like the Chicken Bringer...

The Chicken Bringer!

..has, er, garnered some points.
Right sum it all up.

OK.Well we're saying
that Guz and Victoria

did not get goosebumps
in the end.

Er, sorry Guz and who? Oh, sorry.

We're saying Guz
and Old Goosebump Arm did not get...

Old Goosebump Arm!

We're saying that they didn't
get any goosebumps

and so they also don't
get any points. Correct.

Desiree was actually the slowest

to get these
tiny little goosebumps, 24 minutes.

She gets three points.

Chicken Bringer gets four points
with his 13 minutes 51.

Whereas Morgana, the Dome Hugger,

gets five points
after 2 minutes 49 seconds.

There it is. APPLAUSE

Scores update, please.

In this episode, we have
a leader by three points -

it's Desiree! Whee! On 16 points.

OK, it's that time again.
Please make your way to the stage.

You know why -
it's the final task of the show.

Guz, please can you read the task?

"Get the highest score
by sliding your ducks."

"Each team will slide
a pair of ducks three times."

"The duck slider
must smirk at the Taskmaster"

"whilst sliding their ducks."

"The winning team
will receive five points per person."

"The losing team will get zero."

So, Greg, it's a team task.

The team of three -
you're going to have one go each.

You two, one of you will go twice.

Who wants to go twice,
Victoria or Alan?

I think Alan should go twice.

Alan will go twice.
Both teams start on zero.

We're going to start
with Desiree Burch.

Come on, Desiree!

Please slide your duck.

Wow. Ooh!

Wow, that is a flying opener.

8 points, Greg. All right.


And that...

I'll just check.

It's over the 4.


Boom! All right, all right.

Strong opener. OK, who's next?

Alan Davies for his first
of two slides.

Right. Get your smirk on.

Come on, Alan.

Smirking, smirking.

A lovely smirk,
and that's a clear 4 points.

4 points.Oosh.
Not bad. Take your time, Alan.

I think you put too much energy
into the smirk,

if you don't mind me saying.

Is that a good smirk?

Lovely. Focus on your duck push.

Can't... I can't relax.
I always laugh when I'm nervous.

It's a terrible affliction.

It'll get me so much trouble
in torture conditions.

Ooh! That duck's legs

are in the ÷ 2 category.

Oh! Still a positive. Oh, cruel.

The team of two are on 2 points. OK.

Next up, it's Guz Khan.

Oh. That was strong. ALL: Ooh!

Back to zero. Back to zero.

Oh, babe, it's OK.

Suddenly it's 2-0.

You can do this.

Nice smirk. Ooh!

So close, but 4's good.

Is it 4? 4's good.

It's a 4.4's good.

Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. Sorry.

Doesn't matter, we're still in it.

It's 4-2, Greg, and it's Victoria's
turn to slide and smirk.

Oh, who?

Oh, sorry it's,
it's Old Goosebump Arm's turn.

The Old Goosebump Arm
is ready for action.

Get that smirk on.

It's my weaker arm.

Well, it's not...
it's not a disaster.

It's not a disaster.
We'll just check.

Those are going in the 2.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, well done.
That's good.

That has drawn the scores level.

Ooh! Yeah.

It's ÷ 2.

It's better than -10.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

It's better than -10.
Well done. Sorry, Alan.

OK, so their 4 has been
divided by 2. They're on 2.

The team of three are on 4.

It's the final, Greg. It is.

This is the team of three's
final shoves.

I believe in your profoundly.
Stop it. No presh.

That's not a smirk.

I'm going to push, OK? Yeah.

That duck is a 4.

Yeah, girl. Lovely. Yes!

Take your time, Morgana.

Ah! Ah!

It's x 2. Wow!

Yeah! Oh, wow.



OK, Greg, it's 16 plays 2. Ah.

But we've got swap scores here.

Anything could still happen.

Alan, please take the duck
for the final time.

Thank you.

Ooh! It's a solid start. Oh!

It's a x 2. I just needed
a few more inches there.

This is it, Alan.
Oh, no, I can't watch.

I-I think he's going to do it,
I think he's going to do it.


Oh! I feel like he's done it.
He's done it, he's done it.

I think it's over it,
I think it's over it. Ah.

I think that's it,
I think that's it.

Ah! No, no, no, no, no!

Yes! No, no. MORGANA: Bingo.

I'm-I'm calling for the VAR.

I'm afraid, as your human VAR,

I can confirm it's only x 2.

Yes! Team! Whoo! APPLAUSE

The final scores, Greg,
were 8 to the team of two,

but 16 to the team of three.

Duck me, what a scorcher!

Come back down and we'll add those
to the final scores.

We were one inch away from

the most incredible score swap
there's ever been.

And yet no cigar.

So Victoria and Alan
don't get any points.

Ah. Desiree, Guz and Morgana
get five points each. There it is.


And that means Victoria remains

rooted to the bottom of the table
on 108.

Desiree on 140,
Alan 142, Guz 145, Morgana 150.

But in this particular episode,
we do have one clear winner -

with 21 points, it's Desiree Burch!
Yes! Desiree!

Desiree wins! Baby!

Five towels and 200 things -
please go and get 'em, tiger.

Yes! Yeah, Dee, go.

So what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if you happen to

be driving past a house in Coventry
and you see an old woman

bouncing around the room
after some tennis balls,

don't panic - it's just Guz Khan
trying to keep his nan flexible.

Right, next time is final time.

Exciting times!

But for now it's Desiree's time.