Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 12, Episode 8 - A Couple of Ethels - full transcript

Desiree Burch draws on her face, Guz Khan endures a ball to the groin and Alan Davies loses an eye, as the quest to win Greg Davies' head heats up.

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Is this a joke?



Ooh. Ah.

Oh, I like that.

Wow. Mmm.

Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

I know a lot of you out there
in social media land

think that sometimes when it comes
to judgments,

I don't always get it right.

Well, you're wrong, and you'd better
make sure those comments come from

a server in Central Europe.

It's not hard for a man
with my connections to get

a name, do you understand?

You might be Dumbledore online,

but I'll find you

and I'll disguise myself as
a giant crow in

a tree outside your house.

You ever been jumped on by
a six foot eight crow?!

Then maybe keep your opinions
to yourself.

Right, let's meet
the people brave enough

to use their real names.

Alan Davies,

Desiree Burch,

Guz Khan,

Morgana Robinson,

and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And sitting to my left,

a man who is the answer to
the question -

what happens when you throw chunks
of pork

at a revolving carwash brush?

It's little Alex Horne. Ta-da.

Here I am. We've got to be quick,

got a meeting after this, so let's
go. Yeah.

I'm meeting with Hollywood, so
let's, let's hurry up. All right.

What's your meeting
with Hollywood about?

It's for both of us. Got an email
from Spielberg

who wants to make
Taskmaster the movie.

He said he wants
to cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as you

and Danny DeVito as me, and they're

and it's going to be a lot of fun.

We're going to go to Hollywood.
All right, then.

OK. On with the prize task.

Yes, on we go, and your chosen
category for them this week is

the best thing you use for something
other than its actual purpose.

Five points will be awarded for the
best thing used for something

other than its actual purpose and,
at the end of the show,

the things will go home with a
winner of the episode, and that

person can do whatever they want
with all the things. Lovely. Mm-hm.

So we're looking
for something that's

a great thing in its own right,

that you happen to use

for something else.

Victoria, hello.

Yes. I brought the breadbin.
This is Victoria's...

Hang on a minute. Victoria, you may
have grown tired of this format.

No, I haven't.

But the viewers haven't.

Here is Victoria's breadbin
in sit...

There it is.

There it is. A four-slice toaster.
Someone's doing well.

It's got a bagel setting. Yes.

Here's the problem with putting
bread products in the breadbin.

You forget they're in there,

then you find them weeks later and
they've gone all mouldy. Mm.

So now I'm frightened
to put things in there,

but I put things on the top of it,
and they're sort of elevated

so that you know what kind of bread
you've got to choose from,

and you can see it from all round
the kitchen.

I sometimes think you
want to score badly in this round.

What's in it at the moment, the

Nothing. It's empty. Ooh. OK.

It's always empty.

Nice and clean. No mould,
no crumbs.

I mean, if you put the bread in,

it will keep it a bit fresher
for longer.

Yes, but if you miss the window,
it's not fresh.

All right. I can't talk about
breadbins any more. No.

I've given it a fair crack of the
whip. Yes.

And some. Desiree,
can you beat a breadbin?

I guess what I have.

I don't know if
the official name a cat WC?

But you know when you have a cat,

and you buy things for the cat,
and the cat's like,

"Ha, that is not for me,"
and just ignores it,

so I have this very expensive
cupboard into which I put books

and some, like, gardening soil
and things like that.

You have an obsolete integrated cat
latrine. Yes. Ooh. Ooh.

So it was going to be so quaint,
but the cat's like

"I need to poop in the raw."
Like, "I'm alive," you know?

Yeah, me too. Wow. It's a very
expressive cat. I mean,

I quite like it as an item.

This is the solution
to your problem.

Pop your bread in, and it's got a
window for you to check.

Yeah, that is actually good.

Alan, can you beat cat toilet?

Well, I've brought in
a child's toothbrush.

OK. Ooh. You can see it there.

With a sucky base. Yeah.

Secondary use is it's ideal

for changing halogen lightbulbs that
are recessed in

the ceiling.
Something of a lifehack.

I presume we can hear that
description again on your

YouTube channel?
"Something of a lifehack."

Here's a lightbulb being changed
with a toothbrush.

Ooh, the sucky.

Look what happens. Ooh. Wow. That's
weirdly satisfying. Yeah. Isn't it?

Cos you can be scrabbling away
at those bulbs for a while.

Thanks, Alan.

Guz, what have you brought in?

I've got, er,
a clothes hanger iPhone holder.

It is homemade,
despite appearances. Here it is.

If I please may explain, yeah?

Before you carry on. Yes?

This is supposed to be something you
already use for a secondary purpose.

Now, I need to take you back a few
years, yeah? Mm-hm.

I just finished my PGCE,
and money was very tight,

and this coincided with
the time we had our first child.

I've had many since then, but I only
really cared about the first one.

So when you have your first kid,

it's your responsibility
to keep him alive,

so I used that to put

the baby monitor on whilst
I was washing dishes,

doing hoover, and ever since then,

it's such an effective tool,

I now watch like football games
and do the hoovering.

Do you promise me?
Look me in the eye.

Guz? Yeah, go on. Look at me.
Yeah, go on, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want you to promise me... Mm.

...that the story you've just told
me. Yeah...is true?

And that you've subsequently gone on
to use it while you're doing

the hoovering, and it's become part
of your life. I just want to say...

You mean like everyday life
or like...? I just want you

to say you've regularly used it.

Tell the truth. Nah, I used it like
four or five times.

OK. Fine.

Morgana, what have you brought in?

Arse cream.

It's extremely good for puffy eyes.

Pop it under on the under-eye of
an evening, and it's like...

Are you really using bum cream on
your eyes?

I swear to God. That is a thing.
It is a beauty thing.

It really is a thing. But is it
a good thing to win in a quiz?

No. I don't think I want any bum
cream on my face.

You sure? Yeah.

You ready? You're dishing out

And I'm not being mean
to you this time,

Morgana, but great news,
I want Victoria's breadbin less.

One point for Victoria's breadbin.
One point, Victoria.

Two points for Morgana's arse cream.

Now we're getting into
difficult territory.

Because he told me the truth,
he can have three points.

Three points to Guz. At the top of
the tree? Woo, which one?

I've got so many of those bulbs
in my home.

But I want a weird cupboard
with a little window in it.


Four points to Alan,
five points to Desiree.

Congratulations, Desiree.

Is it time for the first task
proper, Alex?

It most certainly isn't not.

This is quite intense.

Is this like an initiation in some
kind of secret society? Maybe.

Just got to just focus.
It's a very cold place,

and it's old, and there might be

so you'll see a different
Guz Khan today. Sensible.

I'm not trying to mess with
the supernatural, OK, bro?


Make and wear a popcorn necklace

with at least five pieces
of popcorn,

and then do the opposite of
the following.

Then do the opposite of
the following.

Then do the opposite of
the following.

You must under no circumstances not
avoid not make... Wait.

Not avoid not making... What the...?
OK. Hold on.

It's going to take me ages
to work out this sentence.

The task is over when you have
either rung

the bell or not run the bell and...
Are you serious?

This is like a...
this is an anxiety dream.

The task is over when you have
either rung the bell

or not rung the bell and said I did

the right thing three it...
This is going summon something.

That's what's going to happen here.

Ooh, lot of mercy.

Fastest to not do...

You OK, Desiree?

No. Is anything ever

going to be OK ever again,
Alex? All right.

Fastest to not do the wrong thing.
Ooh, wait.

So if you don't do

the right thing,

you lose five points.
Wow. There's a penalty.

My time started when
I started reading the task.

Yeah, that was nearly two
minutes ago. OK, Jesus Christ.

The thing that will take a long time
is threading the needle.

OK. Mm. Interesting. Mm.

Only one person saw that

the most challenging part of this
was the popcorn necklace.

It was Victoria, presumably because
the riddle... Yeah.

Was solved in an instant. Let's see
some attempts.

All right, well, we're going to
start with one man, another man,

and a Morgana. Here they are.

OK, so I've got to make the

Let's just get on with that.

Who knows what was going on in here
back in the day.

Do you know what I mean? I'm not

There's a couple of Ethels and that
lot still walking around here.

Couple of Ethels? Yeah. Or whatever
their names would've been.

You think there are some dead nuns
called Ethel wondering around?

Why you got to be so specific
for, man?

Just keep it do
you know what I mean?

This bit I'm very good at.
Are you?

Yeah. I'm very, very, very talented
in the threading area.

I can't even see this.
I'm telling you, I really can't.

Boom. Told you. That's one.

Maybe I don't need to thread the
needle to make a necklace.

I mean, I could just tie it around
the popcorn.

You're trying to get all
the popcorn on the needle?

I don't think it says that's against
the rules, is it?

You people underestimate me.

Oh, shit.

How's it done that?

I mean, that actually how has it
done that?


Every time I attach it,
it ties itself in a knot.

I'm going to have to make another

Do you know I recently
completed a master's degree?

Goodness sake.

I'm going to take a pew.

No, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll attach that one
to the new bit of cotton. OK.

Sorry, Ethel.

I did the right thing.
I did the right thing.

I did the right thing.
I did the right thing.

I did the right thing.
I did the right thing.

I did the right thing.
I've stopped the clock.

I'm not confident I've scored
well there.

Lovely. Um, you seem uncomfortable
in that venue.

Yeah, well, you know.

Cos of Ethel? Yeah.

It was a former nunnery and, er,

Guz really thought the nuns still
inhabited the place.

Yeah, I've not got any proof
to say they were there,

but you ain't got no proof
to say they wasn't there.

Ethel, at least she recognised
I didn't disrespect her yard.

You know what I mean? Yeah. She'll
haunt the others, all right.

Nice to be able to say take
a pew and mean it, isn't it?

Yeah. Mm. It's ever so satisfying.

Isn't that nice? Well done.
Thank you.

Do you want me to tell you how long
it took Morgana to thread a needle?

Go on. 16 minutes to make the
necklace and ring the bell.

It took Alan just 11 minutes
to do the same thing.

Guz, five minutes 37.

OK. Ohh!

People do underestimate you.

Time for a break.

You can let your nan back into the
room for a few minutes if you want,

but I want her gone by
the time I return.

Honestly, I cannot stand the woman.

Woo. Yes. Hello.

Welcome back to
the second part of the show.

Yes, my tweeps,

I hope you're bear well and totes
ready for some more mega LOLs.

Before the break, our contestants
were making popcorn necklaces

whilst trying to work out whether to
ring a bell or not.

Now it's ding, ding,
round two. Or perhaps it isn't.

Here's Desiree and Victoria.

You must avoid making the bell...

OK, the bell has to not ring,
got it.

I either ring or don't ring
the bell.

I'm going to spend the rest
of my life trying to figure out

what the right answer to that one
was, so...

I mean, seriously.
This is going to take hours. Mm.

You know when there's one little,
tiny thread of the thread hanging

off, and you're like, "You're going
to thwart all of my plans?"

It's really difficult.

Why haven't you got one with
a bigger thing?


And I'm in. Un, deux, trois, quatre,
cinq. Look at that.

All right, cool.
Putting things on my neck is hard.

Right. And the thing is,
after a while,

you just start to feel sort
of queasy.

I think this is really unfair

because the actual sewing bit,
I'd be all right.

And I don't mind a double negative.

But threading a needle.
And what if I just can't do it?

Do we all stay here forever?

I did the right thing.
I did the right thing.

I did the right thing, I think.

I've stopped the clock. Great.

And I am admiring your choker.

Thank you very much.

OK, thank you, Desiree.

Are you secretly laughing

cos I haven't got to the difficult
bit yet?

I'm not not laughing.

No. Is that it? Is it through?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, thank the Lord for
that. One.

There we go. I did the right thing,

I did the right thing,
I did the right thing.

I've stopped the clock.

This is the future of television.

They made some popcorn
necklaces relatively efficiently.

Yes. Desiree was the quickest,
five minutes 35.

And out of the five of them,

Victoria was the third quickest
with seven minutes 38.

Now... Now... to business. Right.

Who did ring the bell? Hands up.

And how comfortable do you feel
about your decision?

50% comfortable.

Yeah. Correct answer.

Guz? Minus 25%.

You two, er, didn't ring the bell.
How confident are you, Victoria?

Is it you must on no circumstances
not avoid... Not.

...making the bell not ring? You
must avoid making the bell ring.

That's what that sentence means.
Yeah, you mustn't ring it.

I put this to Susie Dent.

This is the only thing you can do in
this circumstance.

And she said there's
five negatives. Mm.

Not making the bell not ring is a
double negative

and comes to the same thing as
making the bell ring. Yeah.

Not avoid is a double negative that
renders itself redundant.

We know this. Yeah. So you end up
with you must under no circumstances

make the bell ring.
Aww, shitsticks. Yeah.

So they shouldn't have made
the bell ring?

Well, I said to Susie Dent, "Thank
you." I emailed her and said... Yes.

..."Just wondering, Susie,
did you include the first line,

"which was do the opposite of
the following?"

Oh. Oi. And Susie said oh, "I missed
that bit, which of course reverses

"the instruction of the paragraph
that I analysed."

If you got that right at home,
get out more. Yeah. Good.


that is bad news for Desiree
and Victoria, who lose five points.

Aww. So that means, unfortunately,

Desiree has lost all
the points she gained... Man.

...in the first task.
She gets minus five,

as does Victoria. Morgana gets three
points, Alan four,

but Guz Khan wins the task
and five points.


You will show me a scoreboard.

Guz and Alan are both in
the lead with eight,

and Victoria has got her first-ever
negative score with minus four.

Congratulations. Thank you.

I think we're due a team task.

You're right again.
And for this one,

we ventured just outside

the Taskmaster grounds
for sports day.

It'd be nice to play football
all afternoon.

Hello, team. Come and have a seat.
Please have a seat.

There's a task.


Provide the most iconic

and memorable commentary

for this brilliant one minute
of socially distanced sport.

One of you must commentate on
the action,

the other must provide analysis.

The best commentary on

the most brilliant
socially distanced sport wins.

You have 15 minutes,
your time starts now.

Would you like me to run the VT?
Yes, please.

Let's just watch it for now.
Run VT.

Oh, no, it's a football thing.

If you could all stand on a spot,
that'd be great.

Welcome to the arena.

Everyone all right?

Yes. Lovely day.

It's like being on holiday
in the '70s.

Play the most brilliant minute
of socially distanced sport.

You have ten minutes.

Your time starts now.

OK, it's a double task, Greg. Hmm.
Hmm. Explain what's going on there.

Yes, so first of all, they all get
the task to do a minute

of socially distanced sport, the
best minute,

and after they did that, they came
back out again and got the task

to commentate on the sport they'd
just done.

So it's a double task for you
to judge.

All right. Here is the sport in its
planning stages.

Can we play golf club boxing?

Which is where one person has a golf

and we stick that glove on

the end, and then we hit each other.
You do what again?

You just beat somebody with a...?

I will be the referee. I would love
to see you two swing it out.

What, hit each other on the head?

Of course. That's exhilarating.
Very exhilarating to me.

You watch sport, don't you? You
would physically...? I love sport.

Can you distil what's interesting
about looking at it?

Some sort of expertise. Athleticism.

I might fall at that hurdle.

Moments of surprise. That I can do.

How do we decide who wins at
the hitting match?

What if it's us trying
to just hit him with many balls?

I don't know how you turned his
around on me.

Come on. I'm coming. OK.

Yes! You've got to get things into
that net,

I've got to stop them going in.

OK. That be fun?

Yes. But there's got
to be surprises.

You said there should be surprises.
So there's... Surprises are good.

Got to be surprises.
GuzBall, GuzBall, GuzBall.

I just want to say this is very
ironic, considering I initially

came up with a game that involved me
not getting hit.

That's karma, boo.

If you get a goal, it's a point.

If I get it back over the net,
it's a point. OK.

It is a pretty brilliant sport.

And prepare yourself
for the element of surprise.

That's the planning stages, Greg.

Sorry, I'm just putting

a copyright on the phrase
"That's karma, boo."

Some good TM merch.

Guz, you suggest you want to watch

two women hitting each other with
golf clubs.

Not completely golf. I said like,
"Put a boxing glove..."

Boxing gloves on the end of it. Oh,
you, you're not a monster. Yeah.

With boxing gloves on
the end of them. Um, your sport, er,

the main thing that struck me is
that sometimes, Victoria,

you sound like a robot who's
learning how to be a human.

"Could you please distil what's
interesting about sport?"

Well, you said it's
the most interesting sport,

so I said what's
the thing that makes it interesting?

And we'll do that. I mean, to be

Alan did distil it very
quickly into three factors.

Ability, hand-eye coordination,
surprise. That is sport.

Yeah. And, see, this is where
I think I went wrong.

Because when I said surprise,
I meant, you know,

the great sportsman will sometimes
surprise their opponent

with an unexpected manoeuvre,
bit of skill.

And I think Victoria thought
I meant surprise as in a magician.

That's right, because the sports
robot just loaded up

the word "surprise".

ROBOTIC: What a surprise.

Let's see how well I learned.

OK, well,
we can look first of all at Alan

and Victoria commentating on
Multi Sport.

ROBOTIC: Actuate.

Well, it's a magnificent afternoon,
er, for sport.

We're looking at the competitors
coming into the paddock now.

What do you think, they look ready?

Well, Multi Sport's fascinating,
isn't it, Victoria?

With the option here to either score
a goal against the cricketer,

or the cricketer hit
the football over the tennis net.

Either way, it's a point each.

It promises a lot of excitement.
Let's have a look at the action.

OK, your minute of sport begins.

Oh, Coren Mitchell's first up.
She's lining up a shot.

Ah. Oh,
she surprised him with a noise.

Ooh, nicely done. He's trying
to get that back over the net there,

but it's a feeble attempt.

This time, the surprise is you have
to remain within these cones.

No way. Oh, it's the cones. She's
bringing in the element of surprise,

which is key, I recently learned,
to sport. This is vengeful.

There's something bitter about this

I mean, he really seems backed into
a corner there. But really,

he's got no chance here.
She must score.

He saved. Ooh, that's an exceptional
save. And not quite a score,

but it keeps the scores level.

You're halfway through
the minute of sport.

She's just put that into play.
That's a gift.

Oh, and he's scored. Unbelievable

Absolutely incredible.

Davies a goal up now.
Wielding that bat happily.

Oh, she's going
for the green ball. Easier to see.

Surprise number two, you've got to
face in the other direction. What?

Coren Mitchell's made him turn
around. Oh, she's got one in.

Is that legitimate? It's all
legitimate. It's gloves off.

Surprise number three. Look down

Oh, she's inviting him to look down
her top. He's not been distracted.

He's blocked it, it's into the net.

She's complaining to the referee,
but what about? Five seconds.

It's the last seconds. If you let me
get this in, I'll give you £5.

It's 1-1. And it's oh, my word,
it's a winner.

She doesn't know.
She hasn't seen it go in.

She doesn't know where the ball is.
She doesn't know the rules. Go on.

It's a great game. Great game.
It was a great game.

There was definitely
the element of surprise in it.

My favourite element
of surprise - agh!

Happy with Victoria making
Alan look down her shirt?

I didn't make him. I shouted, "Look
down here," and pulled it down.

He wasn't distracted at all.

That's why I was complaining to
the referee. I was just...

Because he wouldn't stare down
your top?

That's a lovely twist on

professional sport.

Referee, they were out.

It's the litmus test

for how much a man's really
interested in sport.

All right, I'm calling time out.

Please come back soon to witness
the birth of GuzBall.

Hello. Thank you for coming back
to us.

Thank you so much,
it means the world.

There's a whole lot of new
sport going on.

We've had nonstop surprises
with Multi Sport and now,

at last, let's play GuzBall!

Now, it's the finals here.
It's really exciting.

There's quite a crowd.
I don't know about you,

but how you feeling about that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so,

this is a mental game more than
it is a physical game.

I know it looks like you're just
hitting balls, but really,

there's an underlying zen
of hitting balls,

and sometimes a crowd gives you life

and sometimes it takes it from you.

The thing is, all day long,

I respect this very illustrious
player over there,

more about the mental than
the physical.

I've had my bollocks permanently
damaged from this game,

so I'll put it out there.
Yeah, but I mean, you know,

your balls can be damaged here,

but if your ball's damaged up here,

that's where the real problem comes
in, man.

That's right.
I say let's play the game.

Ooh, let's do this.
I'm so excited, that's right.

Here we go.
Your minute of GuzBall starts.

You see both players ready.
Oh, and they're off.

Burch already in with
the first point.

Great poise and balance there.

Oh, Robinson right there.

Khan there in the centre protecting
the gold.

Yeah, what I draw respect to
the amount of damage... Aye.

...to Khan in the middle there.

Children are something he can
never enjoy.

You better look after your own bits.
Ah. Ooh. Right in the nelly.

That's minus ten points there. Yeah.
Yeah, but I mean,

you can tell by their stance that
she feels like it was worth it.

If we keep an eye on Robinson, hey?
She's got a reputation.

Outstanding player,
but a dirty bastard.

She is quite a wild one when she's
not on the pitch. That's for sure.

Ooh, simultaneous, that one. Yes.
Guz, it's your turn, Guz.

Guz is quite arrogant. Yeah.
He brings on that arrogance,

that swagger when he comes on to do
the pitch.

It takes that arrogance to stand in
the centre of the ring, you know?

Like nobody wants to be that guy,
but everybody

looks up to that guy, right?
Guz, you've got three more seconds.

I'll take it. Ooh,
right through the legs.

Khan is shitting in it.

That's right.
Where does this ball want to live?

Ooh, look at that.
Dodged to perfection.


I've got to say, Burch is smashing
this to pieces. Yeah.

This is a really shit game.
Looks like it's going to be enough.

Yes. GuzBall champion.

Wow. Woo. Very exhilarating game of
GuzBall there.

Thank you to Rodney and Rodders.
Always a pleasure.

See you next week, if you like.

Aw, man.

I mean, I think Guz,
with the greatest of respect,

summed up GuzBall as a sport.
Just to himself quietly,

he said it's a really shit game at
the end there.

But I think he might have a point.

But the commentary was sensational.

It had it all.

It had a rock-solid regional anchor
who I absolutely trusted.

Mm-hm. She was called Rod.

Then we had an ex-player, I presume?
Yeah, Rodders. Rodders.

quite bitter about his career.

Then the pretentious pundit on the
end there. Rodney?

Unbelievable. Mm-hm.

I mean, no-one wants to be that guy,

but everyone looks up
to that guy, right?

Am I wrong? Am I really wrong?

Yeah, do you ring the bell or not?

Well, you've got to judge
the commentary

and you've got to judge the sport.

I enjoyed Multi Sport more as
a sport,

but I preferred this
dedicated team.

OK. So I think I'm going to have to
give everybody the same points.

Level Neville. I'll just give them
five points each.


Yay. That's what feels right. Woo.
It feels right to me.

I want another task,
and I want one now.

OK, coming right up,

and it's time to turn that frown
upside down.

Lovely little cat.
Oh, I see it through the window.

Ooh. Let me not break my
face, though.

Smells like s spicy something,
like Chinese five spice in here.

Oh. Well, that's not creepy,
you looming in the window.

Good, is that more casual? Yes.



Make your face look like another
face when your face is

turned upside-down.

Make your face look like another

when your face is turned upside

Most expressive and radically
different upside down face wins.


You have 15 minutes.
Your time starts now.

Is there a mirror? Would you like me
to get you a mirror?

I'd like a mirror.

Can I assume anything I can find
will wash off?

Definitely worth assuming that.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Is it interesting, isn't it?

During a task where you have to do

the most expressive upside face,

Alan employs the least expressive.

I was genuinely worried about him
for a while. Right.

Right. First,

let's see them making their faces in

a sort of throwaway
make-up tutorial.

Oh, hello. Hello. Cute.

You got moustaches?

That's going to happen.

Hang on. Right.

Holy schnikeys,
there's all kinds of stuff in here.

So if that's a beard,
this is my mouth, right? Wait.

You know what? 15 minutes passes way
quicker than you think, OK?

Oh, my God, right,
I'm going to try and do that.

But that needs to be upside
down, right?

Well, are you going to be happy or
sad? Let's find out.

It might be someone wearing
a balaclava.

Googly eyes.

Six minutes left, Alan. OK.

So far you've stuck two eyes on
your chin.

I'm not going to get much further
than that either.

Look at that. Yeah. That's proper.

Yeah, that's a good shape.
Are you putting glue all over you?

Yeah, I think that's going to be

That's not worked.

Hm. Going to need more smile.

Yeah, yeah.

Need to get me some...

Oh, I tell you what,
I have to have a patch.

How does that look? It looks like
you're holding a piece of paper.

Yeah, ignore the paper. Don't focus
on the paper.

I'll try and not focus on
the paper.


I mean, I think I'm done.

Yeah. Are my eyes moving?

How's that? I can't see the eye, the
eyepatch, or the moustache.

Right, are you done? Yeah. OK.

You know, I pulled out the
professional make-up.

Didn't even touch it.

I like it when logic gives away to a
grown woman just throwing a handful

of googly eyes against her chin. You
know when you've thrown enough shit

at the walls, something will stick.
Something will stick.

Yes, slightly different technique
to Alan.

Sometimes the backing
music captures

an image perfectly,

and there was such
a great sadness when

Alan was holding his two googly eyes
against his chin,

and there was just one haunting
violin string played across it.

And I'd love to resee it.
Here we go.

I was... So beautiful... clearly
waiting for the glue to dry.

Right, everyone,
to see their upside-down makeovers,

you're going to have to come back in
a few minutes. Wait!

Hello. It feels like part four.
Is it part four, Alex?

It's part four, Greg,

and it's time to pop our casts
heads off,

turn them 180 degrees,
pop them back on,

and see how expressive they look.

Let's see all their upside-down

Hi, Morgana. Hey.

How's it going? I'm good.

What have you guys been getting up
to in here?

What is it? No idea.

Alex, I don't want to blow my own
trumpet here, brother,

but I think your probably obsession
with me is I'm quite cool.


Oh, I don't know what to do.

Oh, my God, it's brilliant.

So we can see any one
of them again, Greg.

Well, I want to see them all again,
obviously. Here are all five.

Oh, my God.
Desiree just looks like Desiree.


Just looks like Desiree after
she's been

a bit clumsy eating her breakfast.

Which is every morning.

So the mouth is the red bit,
is that right?

Yeah. And then I tried
to go around my actual nose

to use the holes, you know? It's
like found poetry, right? Yeah.

And then, and then there's just some
inconvenient eyeballs on my cheeks.

But she's justified
the nostrils as found poetry, Greg.

Yeah, I heard that.
I heard found poetry.

All right. Here's Guz. So his mouth,
in case you're wondering,

is underneath the grey stuff on the
top. His real mouth.

But you forget all about that,
I think. Yeah. You really do.

I think he looks like
a children's TV character that's

a friendly llama. Yeah. Mm. Yeah, I
didn't say it had to be human.

It's expressive. Certainly isn't

Oh, man. OK, back to the five.

That's a work of art. So I sort of

want to know what Morgana's
character got in her mouth.

That's Morgana's tongue.
That's a great tongue.

She's got one of those tongues that
extends out the back of her head.

Like a woodpecker.

What is your character going through
emotionally do you think?

Utter turmoil, I think.
Yeah. Turmoil.

Two left. This is Victoria's.
Ooh. Yeah.

I feel you have to keep looking at
it. It's like a magic eye picture.

It's really good actually.

Yeah, it's more expressive than you
first think, isn't it? Yeah. Ooh.

It's a bit Jack Nicholson.

Any sort of backstory you

want to pop on there,
Victoria, for us, or...?

Well, grossly a sort of deep
professional regret, but the...

Spread out over ten weeks?

It's a contender.

Oh, OK. There's one left.

We took a few different shots
of Alan.

That was when one of the eyes fell

so he turned it into an eyepatch.
I mean, it looks to me

like a drunk man thrashing from
a car park fight at this stage.

It's all kicked off out
the back of the White Swan.

Alan, calm down, calm down.

Car park Alan.

At the very end of the montage,

there was one with both eyes on
and a tongue poking out.

Yeah. Now this guy.
This is before he's gone out.

It's an awful story.
Look how happy he is.

"Can't wait to go out for
a lovely pint?

"I hope I don't get
the shit kicked out of me in

"the car park and lose an eye."

"I wonder if anyone will notice how
close together my eyes are

"and take against me."

Well, Greg, you're going to have to
judge these faces.

I am. Well, I think I'm marking
pre-fight Alan...

"Alan, all right?" "Yeah."

It's pre-fight Alan.

The range of expressions in
Victoria's, I think, needs

to be rewarded on this occasion.

But tragedy of the story of Alan

means that his initial expression
of hope...

I think I'm going to give them both
five points.

Ooh. And I'm going to follow closely
by old, old tongue neck.

OK, so four points to Morgana,
is that right?

I'm going to give four, but I'm also
going to give four points

to the menacing eyes of
the smiling llama.

And then it's just Desiree left.

And then it's how big the gulf...

...between the others,

and old breakfast face.

I'm going to give Desiree,
two sweet points. Two sweet points.

All right. Thank you. But it's five
to Alan and Victoria. There it is.

Oh, what are the scores?
Hi, Greg.

Well, Victoria's back to her
traditional fifth place at

the moment, er, and in the lead,

it's Alan with 18, then Guz with 17.
Oh. Lovely.

Right. can you please make your way
to the stage for, guess what?

It's the final task of the show.

Hello? Hello. Hello? Hello.

Would you like someone to read the
task? Yeah.

How about pre-fight Alan?

Yes, please.

"Pop up before the object,
but only just.

"You are only allowed
to pop up once.

"Closest to the pop
before the pop wins the round.

"If you pop up after the object,
you get no points that round."

There are going to be three rounds
of best popper.

First of all, it's the toaster.

You've got to pop up before the
toast, but only just. Ooh.

If you pop up after it, you don't
get any points in that round.

If you pop up before it, the closest
to the pop gets five points,

then four points, then three points,
and then over the three rounds,

we'll work out who's the best

Are we ready for round one? Let's

OK, I'm going to pop down the bread

and it will pop up as perfect toast.

Good luck, everyone.

Genuinely quite tense.

I think we can safely say now that
they have all popped up.

As slow as my toaster at home.
I should've factored that in. Mm.


Aw, perfect piece of toast.

OK, you can all pop down onto your
chairs again.

De-pop. Fine.

So Morgana popped up closest to
the pop, but you all get points.

She did some lovely pop work.

Round two is the jack-in-the-box.

The Taskmaster will control
the jack-in-the-box

and up it will pop.
You must pop before the jack.

Oh, it's up! Hey.

That time, Victoria was the closest
to the pop. Lovely popping.

Well done, Victoria.
And now we come to round three.

The most tense of all
the three rounds.

There is a giant balloon on that
middle podium.

If you want to put on ear defenders,

they are under your chair.
That's up to you. Get them on.

Me too. OK.

So please pop before the balloon,
but only just.

Good luck. Greg,
please start inflating the balloon.

It's already quite a big balloon,
but it gets bigger.

I am genuinely shitting myself.

It's actually going to be quite
a loud bang, isn't it?

I do think I'm going to scream.

Incredible play.

It's a big balloon now.

This is about to be horrific.

Whoa. Did you pop?

Oh, my. Desiree...
You're still down. Yeah.

She was just about to pop. Ohh!

That was one big pop. Damn.

Please, join me down here,
pop fans.

Goodness me, goodness me.

Desiree was so nearly beating the
pop at the end, but she didn't,

so she got nought points in that
last round.

She came last in the game as
a whole.

So she gets two points because Alan

and Victoria came joint third,

they get three points each.
Guz fourth,

but Morgana was amazing.
She came first,

second, and first in the rounds, so
she gets the full five points. Woo.

And that means, in the series,

Victoria has got to 100 points

Yes. Hooray.

And then Desiree on 119,

Alan and Guz both on 131,
Morgana on 132.

Wow. Ooh. Two shows to go.

And it's no less tight in this
particular episode

because Guz has 21 points,

Alan 21 points.
We have joint winners.


I don't know what to do now.

I do. A tie-break. A really good
tie-break. For this one,

they had to blow a feather across

a table as fast as possible.

But they could only blow it
with their noses.

Snot as easy as it sounds.
Let's see how they got on.

Alex, are you ready, baby?

I am. Just your nose.
Good luck, Guz.

Thank you.

That's not a good technique.

Yes, I'm on the edge of my seat.

I know. It was tight.

Alan did it in 9.5 seconds

and Guz in 28.7 seconds,
which means Alan wins.

Alan wins. Please go and pick up
your repurposed prizes.

So what have we learnt today?
Well, people have suggested,

because of the multitude of horrors
we've seen over 12 series,

Alex and I have been left bereft
of feeling.

Today, we found out categorically
that is not true.

Very brave boys.

Brave boys. Bye for now,

and hooray again for Alan Davies.
Thanks for watching. Goodnight.