Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - A Chair In a Sweet - full transcript

Greg Davies climbs aboard his judgement throne once more as Desiree Burch tackles tennis balls and gaffer tape, Alan Davies finds out how many circles he can carry, and Victoria Coren Mitchell constructs a rudimentary pulley system.

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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Is this a joke?

Oh!

Oh, I like that!

Wow.

APPLAUSE #S

Hello, I'm Greg Davies

and every morning I judge
the first person I see

to sharpen my skills for preparation
for my work on this throne.

This morning it was Lydia Evans
who runs my local bakery.

Lacklustre service
and a horrible shrill voice.



Easy. Now, let's meet the lemmings
queuing up

for a write-off on camera,
they are

Alan Davies,

Desiree Burch,

Guz Khan,

Morgana Robinson

and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

APPLAUSE

Now, he's small, he's hairy and he
sleeps in my underpants,

it's little Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Nice.

All right? Bit nervous.

Are you?



I wanted to tell you something which
I've never told you before.

OK. Uh, I love you.

I want, I want you to look at me
the way I look at you.

I can imagine.

Finished?

OK.

No, it's awful, isn't it? But who
created this atmosphere?

I didn't.

Right, let's get going with,
with the show, I guess.

OK, so the Prize Task this week,

you demanded that they bring in
the most desirable thing

for the person below you
in the alphabet,

or the highest alphabetically if
you're the lowest alphabetically.

So, Alan has chosen something
desirable for Desiree,

Desiree for Guz
and so on, until eventually,

Victoria has brought something in
for Alan.

Five points will be awarded to
the most desirable thing

and the winner of the episode
will bring home five things,

one of which will be desirable
for them.

Ooh. Hello, Alan.

Hi. Who've you brought
a present for?

Uh, Desiree. It's a book of
etiquette for English ladies.

Ahh. And, it's, it's very helpful
for people who are coming

to these shores, living here.

Mid-19th century, things like,

"you are not expected
to recognise any friend

"on the opposite side of the street.
Even if you see them, do not bow."

That is a relief. Thank you,
that's... Stop. Do not bow.

Stop bowing!
Also, Desiree, "Do not walk so fast,

"you are not chasing anybody.
Walk slowly, gracefully."

Yeah, that's been a big problem
for me my entire existence.

You flipping yanks running around
bowing all over the place.

Desiree, who have you bought
something for?

I have bought something for Guz.

I happen to know what
Guz really wants is a Bully Kutta,

which is a Pakistani Mastiff.

It's a huge dog
that's super protective.

Kutta means dog
and Bully is, it's a bully dog.

You want a Bully Kutta? It's a Bully
Kutta, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So, what I've done is
commissioned Idil Sukan,

who is an incredible artist,
to create a painting of one

so that you can always have your
dream dog in your home

to protect you and your family.

I'm so excited. Oh!

Right, isn't he fly?

He's got the gold puffy coat

and everything cos that's your
dog, man.

That is incredible.

Yes. Just give her the five points
now. Yes.

This task has really backfired.

I know. I used to love it.

I was hoping you were gonna insult
each other.

No, we adore Guz.

He has only got a one in five chance
of taking it home, though.

Look, if I win it,
I'll give it to you.

Will you do that? Yeah, of course.

Stop being nice!

Me too, Guz,
you're totally having it.

Thank you, mate.
Yeah, yeah.

We have defeated
the format of your show.

You haven't cos I'm gonna
go backstage

and cut that painting up.

Guz, who have you bought for?

So, I have bought for Morgana.

What is it? My G, and...

A weekend in the Seychelles?

It was actually gonna be
something different, yeah,

and then now we've all been spending
so much time together,

I switched it and made it something
that I hope you will really
appreciate.

Yeah? It's one of Guz's long coats.

I love it!

I love it, it's the one that you
were wearing the other day.

You said you really liked it
and I was like, yeah. I love it!

I'm gonna feel guilty
if I take that home.

No, you won't. Don't feel guilty,
it's what Guz wants.

He either wants, in life,
paintings of himself

or to make other people
look like him.

All right,
what have you bought, Morgana?

OK, so I have bought Victoria a.
GREG GROANS

..personalised velvet vintage
smoking jacket

with, if that's not enough, some
matching slippers.

Oh. Embossed in your name,

to sort of pimp up her late night
smutty poker nights.

I mean, that sounds amazing.

Wow. Whoa.
Are those Victoria's initials?

I mean, I really, really want that.

Can you imagine a big cigar, nothing
underneath,

"Six of clubs, have that!"

That's how you play, isn't it?

It's like looking in a mirror.

That's a great present
as well, obviously.

Um, if we can rely on one person
to get us back on track.

No, this is a good thing.
No, I've got a good thing.

I have bought Alan
a season ticket to Manchester United

because he always goes to see
the Arsenal. I don't...

The team he supports?

Yeah, well, whatever the reason
that's where he always is.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

No, because I assumed
if he loves football,

he's gonna want to see
the best team.

If you look at the cups
and everything... Yep.

..it's usually Manchester United
and I thought,

I don't know why Alan's never
treated himself to a ticket to that.

I think Alan's about to tell you.

Anyway, it's not the whole...
Because it's so expensive,

it turned out to be, I got a voucher
towards a season ticket.

So you haven't even bought the whole
season ticket.

Well, I bought most of it.
To a team I imagine you hate.

Of course.

He'll be sat with all the people
he hates as well,

he's in the wrong end.
He's in the Man United end.

And many of them,
I'd like to point out, hate me.

Yes, yes, they all know you're an
Arsenal fan.

And she hasn't even paid
for it all!

This is it! I knew it.

It's the most passive-aggressive,
calculated personal attack

that I've ever experienced.

It's fabulous,
one point to Victoria.

Well done, Victoria.

Two points to, uh,
Alan's etiquette book.

OK, fair enough. Three points to
Guz trying to make someone into him.

Right.
Uh, the smoking jacket,

Victoria will look fine
and dandy in it, I must concede.

But the painting,
it just tipped it for me

so I'm gonna give five points
to Desiree.

Five points to Desiree Burch!

What's next, please?

Ironing.

Oh, there you are. Hello, mate.

Aww. What a busman's holiday.

Oh, a little domestic work,
this is nice. OK.

OK. Uh,

land the iron on

the ironing board from
the furthest distance.

What? Land what?

The ironing board must be standing
at its maximum height

when the iron lands on it,
so at the maximum height.

And the iron must remain
on the ironing board

for the attempt to count.

What attempt to count?

You have 20 minutes.

I don't understand.

So, so the ironing board
has to be far away

and arrive at the ironing board?

Well, you've said ironing board
twice now.

Your time starts now.
Can I leave the room?

All the information's
on the task, Guz.

Oh, I have to be the furthest
distance, not the iron.

Well, you need to make
the iron land on the board.

Seems to have baffled Victoria,
this one. Yes.

It, it seems quite straightforward
to me,

it's got to land on the ironing
board from the furthest distance,

not necessarily thrown, just land.

Yeah, it's like, it's like the
hammer throw in the Olympics

but landing it on a hammer board.

With an iron. Yes.

Good. Well, let's not talk about it,
let's see it.

Yes. First to attempt long distance
iron throwing are Guz and Desiree

and let's not forget Alan!

OK, I think I got to go out.

I'll measure that.

Ahh.

Maximum height. Am I allowed to move
the ironing board,

can I ask you again?
All the information's on the task.

Listen, I know you're probably
trying

to keep this level of communication
to a minimum with

the other contestants but me
and you are different. Are we?

There's a connection.
Can you feel it?

Shh, close your eyes.

I felt it. Did you feel it?

You could really get some distance.

Uh, remember Neville Southall?

Yeah. Big lad, used to play
for Everton. Big Nev.

This is for Neville Southall!

That's from there.

Yes, I've, I've logged that.

Logged that.

Yeah, I'd go.

All right, this is the first one.

Is this your fence
or the neighbours'?

Ooh!

Ahh, boom!

Lovely shot.

Alex, please can I have
your assistance, brother?

Yeah, there you go. Do you know who
we're gonna channel for this one?

Shaka Hislop. You remember Shaka?
Shaka Hislop for the win.

Oh, no. Oh, no,

I hadn't factored in
the iron smashing to pieces.

I don't know how many more goes
I've got.

Uhh... All right.
There's a better way.

OK. I wish I could figure it out.

I'm good with that. Thanks, guys.

Oh, look at that!

I'm out.

APPLAUSE

Fuck!

All right, you know, well...

Thanks, Alan.

Sorry about the iron.

APPLAUSE

Lovely.

I got a tad mad.

The first thing that struck me about
that was the fact that Alan, uh,

didn't question what he had to do.

He read it once and he went,

"OK, yeah, all right, iron throwing,
I'm in, let's go."

And that was borne out by
the style of the man.

That was so... It was like
an athlete at the top of his game.

It really was. One foot off the
ground, big smile on his face.

I thought you were the most stylish
until I closely observed Desiree

in action, because much like the
curling champions,

who I so admire,

she always went with
the follow through arm.

Very, yeah!

Always.

Yeah, you would think that accuracy
might come with poise.

It did not,
but I felt proud of my actions.

Guz, the bath, stroke of genius.

Yeah, absolutely.

And lovely to see some sporting
greats being, uh, celebrated.

You've got to, you've got to channel
the people that came before you.

It's the reason why we're
here today.

The people that led
to iron throwing, the sport.

Well, give me some statistics.

I've measured it.

You know how people throw things
over double decker buses?

Yeah. I've done it in Double
Deckers, the chocolate bars,

15 centimetres long.
Desiree, 32 Double Deckers.

Yeah. Yeah? OK. Yeah, get this out
your system

then we'll hear the real distances.

OK. 4.80 m. Yep.

Uh, Guz,
82 and two thirds Double Deckers.

Wow. Or 6.4 Shaka Hislops,
that's 12.40 m.

Uh, whereas Alan, 56.4
original Curly Wurlys,

that's 93 and a third Double
Deckers, that's 14.10 m.

APPLAUSE

Advert time, hop onto social media

and like your friend's new
profile picture.

You may as well, we're all doomed!

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back
to Taskmaster.

Alex, please remind the nice viewers
what was happening before

the nasty adverts.

We went way back to the iron age,
a period in time when sport

took the form of throwing irons onto
ironing boards from a distance.

We've seen Guz, we haven't seen
Morgana, we've seen Alan,

we haven't seen Victoria
and we've seen Desiree, until now.

OK. I'm just gonna go and have,
and find some bits and bobs,

if that's all right.

I was imagining what if
I could rig up some sort

of pulley system.

How hard can this be?

Oh, for God's sake. Oh, there we go.

I don't know if this will work.

Get then and then just tie it
across.

It's over.

Little fucker.

OK.

Ahh, they're too thin!

Ah! This is not what I imagined.

Should we swap places?
Let's swap places.

OK...OK. All right. OK.

It's on.

But if I had more time I could
try to get further away.

Well, you have got more time.
OK.

Up we go.

It nearly worked, didn't it?

Yeah, it didn't stay on the ironing
board though. I know.

Can you lift the iron?

It's going down my sleeve
into my arm.

Well, that's... You've bought
a bad iron.

Go on, mate.

I'll tell you what,
I wish I had my glasses.

You're gonna have
to tell me if it's over the board.

It's over the board.

Is it on? Yes. Great. I'm happy.

Thank you, Morgana.
Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Wow. Felt like a real evolution
of the sport there.

Pulley system, leverage,
and they were successful.

Mm-hm. Morgana was punching the air
and running around.

I was having a whale of a time.

You were, which was lovely to watch.

Victoria, slightly more muted
celebration. "I'm happy."

I was very happy that
the iron was on the board

but you've got to balance that
with this is not where I hoped

to be professionally at this stage
of my life.

For me, I'm like, pinnacle.

You're, you're...
I'm at that sweet spot.

I'm peaking here. That's why you're
doing the double hands in the air.

I'm Peking duck. Course. Thank you.

Yeah. Well,
they were both very successful.

Yes. Seems to me. Well, there was
only one Double Decker between them.

GASPING

Victoria was 8 metres 60,
57 Double Deckers,

Morgana 8 metres 44.

Oh. So Victoria's was just longer.

Oh. So, Desiree did the shortest
throw and gets one point,

then it's Morgana
with 8 metres 44, two points.

Victoria, three points.
Guz, four points

but the champion iron thrower
was Alan Davies

with five points and 14 metres 10.
There it is.

APPLAUSE

Know what I'd love?
A scoreboard.

OK, well, it's Alan and Guz
in the lead with seven.

Lovely.

I want another one!

Yes, and this one's
just so dog-gone cute.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Hello.

Hi, there, cheeky.

Cheeky? Uh, Alex.

Cutie!

Is he a little pug or bulldog?

He's a bull, yeah.

"I can't breathe!" OK.

What's this thing?

Is there a dog in it?

HE WOOFS

"Make a cute toy for a cute dog."

Is there gonna be a real dog?

Yes, but you will not meet the dog.
Why?

"The dog will have five minutes
with your cute toy."

"Most engaged dog wins!"

"You have 20 minutes."
Oh, that's ages.

They're really expecting
something good, then.

"Your time starts now." OK.

You literally can't beat
a tennis ball, that's the problem.

In that box,
there's all vet-approved items.

I couldn't, I couldn't get the lid
off it just now.

I saw that.

Have you got a dog?
I do have a doggy.

He's called Stinks.

He's got very bad breath.

Yeah, I mean, there.

Am I allowed to soak
any of it in food?

What I would ideally do
is rub it on a cat.

I guess you don't have one?

I haven't checked
through the whole box.

I mean, I could wee on it.
What time does this go out?

Is it a boy dog or a lady dog?

Oh. I have no idea how you tell.

Imagine if it's a boy dog in heat,
yeah, and we made a lady dog?

Just, I've cooked a chicken thigh.

Slippery little sucker.

I'm gonna try and cut out a cat.

You say cute, innit? Yes, please.

Oh, that is cute.

You must've done that before.
I've never done that before.

You and I look at that
and see a cat. Do we?

Give it a name or something.

What's a cute name? Pipe, Pipey.

Is it gonna have a name,
do you think?

Yeah. It's gonna be Chonky.

I'm giving it a hat.

You're giving it a hat?
Yeah, I'm giving it a hat.

It's Priscilla.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, come on.
Are you feeling this?

I reckon that's all right, you know.

Yeah.

But what people tend to do
with dogs is they tend

to create something
that looks like a cat.

It doesn't look at it
and think of it as a cat. You do.

Cat.

APPLAUSE

Wow, Victoria.

When you got out the tennis ball
and popped it down,

I accepted your authority. Hmm.

Then I even accepted your authority

when you suggested
rubbing a cat on it.

You didn't even lose me at the idea

that they might be
attracted by wee. Hmm.

Where you lost me is that

the dog might be attracted
to YOUR wee.

Well, it'd be hard
to get someone else's wee.

I was alone in the room.

Well, that is true. OK.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Guz -

you randomly just put
a load of rubbish together.

No. I was thinking,
human beings have been so...

distanced physically during this
pandemic that dogs must also

be feeling exactly the same,
so I created Priscilla

so that dog could sniff Priscilla's
bum or whatever they do,

like, as, as a model.

This is like QVC, isn't it?
No, I did have a point!

"And they're flying off! Ring now,
we've only got 50 of them."

My money's on Chonky,

I'm gonna put it out there before
we see the videos. OK, well...

I mean, my money's on chicken
but I hope for Chonky.

Well, it's time to meet Marco

and it's time for Marco to meet
Victoria and Desiree's creation.

Come in, Marco.

Hello, Marco.
You have five minutes, starting now.

This is Chonky, Marco.

Look, there's a toy.

Hello, Marco?
You're running out of time.

Marco, you've got 90 seconds left.

Ooh, look, look at Chonky.

Bye-bye.

BELL RINGS

That's your time up, Marco.

APPLAUSE

Well. Well done.

Looks like I backed
the wrong horse.

Yeah, actively offended by Chonky.

And I mean, worse,
not even aware of Chonky.

Even when Alex demonstrated Chonky.

Marco bit your balls, though.
Victoria. Yeah.

He went in on the cat

and I think Marco's initial
instinct was,

"Ah, there's a cat!
I'm gonna rip it to pieces"

and then he came round the front
and he went,

"Someone's already been at
this cat."

Who's next?

OK, next it is the two dog owners,

so let's see Alan and Morgana
completely storm the task.

I should say that
Alan did also demand

we put a little bit of dog food
in his one, so there is a little bit

of food on one end of his. Ooh!
Here we go.

OK, you've got five minutes, Marco.
Off you go.

This is Pipey, Marco.

Hmm.

Marco, can I interest you in
the other end of Pipey?

There's not just that end,
look, there's all this bit.

Back on the mat, ready?

OK, Marco, that's your time up.

BELL RINGS

Marco, please leave the room.

That's your time up, Marco.

You have to leave.

What's that?

APPLAUSE

I think one of these two pipe-based
toys is better than the other.

Would you like to guess which one
I think's better?

Um, I think you're gonna say
Morgana's one.

Correct. Do you?

I do. I thought
you were gonna pick Pipey.

No, I'm... Don't get me wrong...
Pipey had a hat.

For me, as a toy, the food
was concealed within...

What's yours called?

The Roast Chicken Cracker
for Poodles.

It's a better toy
because the chicken was concealed.

Hmm. Whereas Alan got
a load of pipes together

and then last minute got one of you
to smear some food on the outside.

That is true. Well,
is it a better toy in a week

when that's reeking of rotten
chicken and that still smells like,

you know, dog treats? That's
a good point. Well, the great thing

about Pipey is that if your dog's
not that interested in it,

it's just a lovely object
to have around the house.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

A break now.

Sometimes it's good
to stop and reflect,

to really appreciate
what you've got,

and this is one of those times.

So, if you're lucky enough
to be next to someone,

just look across,
take a moment and be thankful.

Urgh...

it's just your tooth.

APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back
to Taskmaster.

Hope you've brought lots of stuff.

Oh, I did, actually.
All of my sea monkeys died when

we were having a bath, so
I've bought some more sea monkeys.

Before the break, we watched how

Marco the dog engaged with
the creations of our competitors.

All of them, that is, but Guz's.

Here's how Marco got on
with Priscilla.

Marco!

This is Priscilla.

OK, you've got three minutes left.

Marco, that's
one of Priscilla's legs.

OK, Marco, you've got two minutes.

BELL RINGS

So, time up,
Marco, you can leave.

You have to leave now, Marco.

Ahh. He loves it.
Who'd have thunk it?

You're gonna make
such a good dog father.

I mean, I take it back.

Priscilla, the absolute,
uh, runaway hit.

Yeah. Just a load of rubbish.

A load of rubbish
that didn't represent anything

and the dog would've
stayed there all day.

So, I imagine
you can score this already?

Yeah, if you're happy
they're all cute toys.

As I've said, they're all objets
d'art I'd welcome around my home.

I mean, Marco ignored Desiree's
Chonky completely.

Of course.
Chonky was a commercial disaster,

and I, I invested in that toy.

So one point to Desiree.

It would be two to Victoria,
I think, because, uh,

he did play a little bit.
Three points, then, to Alan's Pipey.

Yep. Four to
Morgana's Roast Chicken Cracker.

And then against all odds...

Yes. Guz's Priscilla -
no food involved, just string,

a tongue and some toilet rolls -

five points!

Five points for Guz Khan.
Big up Priscilla.

Yeah!

Just goes to show you that
on this show sometimes

it pays to put virtually no thought
into your attempt.

Right, what have we got next?

Circles. Lots of circles
and a shredder. Ooh!

Oh, hello.

The energy I brought to you.

Do you mind
shutting the door behind you?

Hi, Morgana. Hello.

How are you feeling?

I'm excellent,
very, very calm. Chilled.

I love it when you have
that cheeky smile like,

nothing to see here.

So much to see here.

"Sit on the red chair."

"Sit on the red chair
in the secret tower."

Oh, secret tower, OK, great.

"You may only step
on circles on your way."

"You may only stand on
each circle once." Oi, oi, oi.

"Unless it is black."

"You may stand on a black circle
twice but never twice in a row."

That's enough rules.

"Also"... Oh, come on!

SHE SIGHS

"Also, you must put this task
in the shredder

"within the first minute."

"If you fail for any reason,
Alex will blow his whistle.

"Return everything
to its starting position

"and you must start again."
This is cruel, brother.

It's cool? It's cruel.
Very cool. C-R-U-E-L. Oh, yes.

OK, just hold on a second, does
that sign say secret tower? Yes.

"Fastest wins." My time starts
when Alex says my name.

I don't un... I don't understand.

Yeah, she wasn't
the only one not to understand.

No. But she was the main one.

Each of them are sort of locked in

a specific way of
reacting to most tasks now.

Guz is always absolutely calm,

even though I know
he's usually gonna do quite badly.

There's a feeling of, "Yeah, yeah,
yeah, I think I've got this."

Um, the difficulty here for me
would be remembering the rules.

Yes. They were many and varied. It
was overly complicated deliberately

cos they then had to shred the task
so they couldn't refer to it again.
Yes, they couldn't reread it.

Very clever. Yes, a very clever boy.

Do you want to see how
Desiree and Victoria got on?

You know I do.

OK, here we go.

I hope you have a nice time
in the great hall, Victoria.

Thank you!

Oh, you've said my name. Right, OK.

Well, have a nice time, Desiree.

Cheers, thanks for
starting my time, much appreciated.

Why did I put that so far away?

Within the first minute?

Holy crap,
that's not a lot of time.

But you can go black, black, it's
just the same one it can't be?

All the information's on the task.

SHE LAUGHS

This is stressful.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Please return to your first circle
and start again.

What did I do wrong? You were
too slow to get to the shredder.

Mother-father!

Where's the chair?

But it says it's a red chair
in the secret tower.

There is not a chair in this room.

Ah, moving.

Wow.

But there...
But there isn't a red chair.

Oh, joy. OK...

I've stopped the clock.

Yay. Thanks for my sweet.

Yes, you can enjoy that now.

Are they in the balloon?

This is a sweet...

I mean, there can't be a chair
in a sweet, can there?

Am I supposed to make a chair?

I mean...

Do...do I have to...

..make it be in here?

I think you do have
to make it be in there.

But there isn't a red chair!

There's no red chair anywhere.

So, if something...

..is being sat on by a person,

does that make it a chair?

So, looking around, there's
a red chair in the secret tower

if I sit on it,
which I am now doing.

Do you want me to stop the clock?
Yes.

I've stopped the clock.
Thank you.

Well, great.

APPLAUSE

GREG: OK, good.

Desiree just disappointingly
chilled, really.

Yeah! Just perfectly happy
with the task.

You briefly said, "mother-father",

and I thought, "Good, we're
on for some frustration,"

but pretty cool, got there.
I got there in the end.

Well done, you. Now, Victoria.

LAUGHTER

If ever there was a sentence
that showed us

we should never judge people

on our previous impression
of their intelligence,

I believe it is the sentence,

"There can't be a chair within
that sweet, can there?"

Do you know,

after a certain number of tasks,

there was no trust left.

My mind was addled.

I...maybe you suck the sweet and
then there's a little bit of...

..and there's...you'll find
the chair out of the window.

It was yet another task where
she forgot her glasses. Yeah.

It's one of the main problems. Yeah.

Let's cut the lady some slack. OK.

Because she has, on national
television, just said,

"There can't be a chair within
that sweet, can there?"

And...and that's gonna be
there for life.

LAUGHTER

That is, that's there forever.

I'm gonna allow your definition of
a chair at this stage, so... OK.

..let's leave it. Fine.
Charitable! Who's next?

Next up it's Alan and Guz.

Are you ready, Alan?

I can only step on a red circle...

Was that you saying my name? Yes.

..twice, but never twice in a row.

Good luck, Guz.

You said my name.

Oh, no.

SHREDDER WHIRS

And now I realise,

cos this is
the kind of person I am,

I should've read it one more time
before I shredded it.

Now I don't even know what
the task is.

Long story cut short.

Oh, do you know what?

HE LAUGHS

What's wrong, Alan?

Well, I haven't got the red chair.

It was....I was going so well,
look, I've gone all this way.

I was meant to get to the red chair
with that stepping on these things,

now I'm here in this chair

and I don't know what
the fuck is going on.

I'm gonna make a mistake right now.

Don't step in a row.
WHISTLE BLOWS

You've stepped on that one
three times, Guz.

You'll have to start again.
Please stand on that first circle.

You know, I've just eaten
two Creme Eggs

and I'm not really up for this.

There's a sweet, can I have it?

You can have the sweet.
I'll stop the clock.

Are you sat down on the red chair
in the secret tower? I am.

I'll stop the clock.

Can I have my balloons back, please?

Huh?

What balloons you talking about?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You see what I mean about Guz?
That initial confidence.

I'd... I'd follow Guz into battle.

When...when you get there, you go,

"Oh, no, we shouldn't have
come over this ridge."

We'd get absolutely slaughtered.

Guz went from, "Yeah, yeah,
no, I've got this covered,"

to being a man

standing in a room with a handful of
cardboard circles in his hand

having to guess the task.

I'm sort of intrigued by your
two Creme Eggs system.

Yeah, before every task,
Alan would have...

Is that what happens at
a certain time of day?

Alan's got to have his
two Creme Eggs?

I don't remember at all.

What I remember about that task

is I'd collected every circle
I could find in the room

cos I thought, when it said "secret
tower" and you opened the door,

I imagined there was gonna be
another mile of walking

and it was just this
tiny little room.

Yeah. Pointless. I went all the way
over there to get these.

The Creme Eggs had given you
too much energy

and you forgot the chair!

Right, only one part left,
but first, some adverts.

I hope there's an advert where
a family buys some things

and then they're all happier.

GROW UP!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Ah, hello!

Welcome back to the
warm love fest-slash-battle zone

that is Taskmaster.

There was a tricky little task
going on before the break,

wasn't there, Alex? You're right.

They've been trying to get to the
secret tower with a red chair,

standing only on circles
on their way. One person left,

and she's the only Morgana
we'll ever have on the show,

so let's savour her name
and watch her take on the task.

Here is Morgana.

Only step on circles,
please, Morgana.

So that's the shredder there? Yes.

OK, I think I've got an idea.

Well, I've said your name.

Fuck!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Pop it in the shredder?

SHREDDER WHIRS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Right, please start again.

How? I've only stood on it once.

Yeah, but afterwards,
you stood over there.

I don't want to argue with you.
Please stand on the big circle.

Sit on the red...chair
in the secret tower!

I totally forgot about that bit,
didn't I? Yes.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

But where's the secret tower?

What?

This doesn't make any sense.
This isn't a secret tower.

No.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Right, I need... I need to give you
another task now.

You've just spent over a minute
and you haven't shredded it.

SHE GROANS

Oh, the secret tower!

SHREDDER WHIRS

SHE GIGGLES

I might take these just in case. OK.

SHE GIGGLES

Ah!

SHE GIGGLES

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Can I have that sweet?

I've stopped the clock.
You can eat your sweet.

Thank you.

It's a bit spooky, innit?

Are you scared?

Yeah, I don't like it.
It smells funny in here.

APPLAUSE

Right, well done.

That created that will become known
from this day forth

as the Morgana slide. Yes.

And, bonus, we were treated to, uh,

Jack Nicholson as the Joker.

GREG CACKLES

I actually got the giggles
cos it was so ridiculous.

I was like, what am I doing?

Well, do you want me to give you
the times? Yeah.

And do you want me to give them
in minutes and seconds,

or to convert it into years,
if we say one hour is the average
lifespan of a human?

Well, I'd like it just in minutes...
Yes, but I've done...

..like a normal person.
..quite a lot of maths.

But I also... Yeah?
..I...I know that you like this...

..this novelty bullshit,
so convert it if you want.

In which case, Victoria would've
spent 11 years and 11 months

getting to that secret tower.

What on earth are you talking
about? Well, I just said...

Just...just indulge him.

Whereas Guz, Guz,
9 years and 1 month,

so still quite a long time.
6 minutes 45.

Alan, 5 minutes 37,
7 years and 6 months.

Morgana took almost exactly
5 years,

that's 3 minutes 45.

But Desiree, just over 4 years,
3 minutes 5 seconds,

she was quicker than the slide!
She gets five points!

Oh, yes! Oh, my God.
It feels so good! Yes!

Morgana didn't win the task

but she is joint in the lead
with Guz Khan on 14 points.

Whoa.

OK, please remove yourselves
from the chairs

and head to the stage for
the final task of the show!

Hello, friends and hello, Alex.

I love you.

AUDIENCE: Aww!
OK, do you want

someone to read the task?
Yes, please. Guz Khan.

OK. Perfect.

Let's try it then, go on.

Choose the number of sheets you want

for the second part of the task.

Each sheet will reduce
your points total by five.

You have 30 seconds
to select your sheets.

So by sheets, obviously,
I meant sheets of paper,

but we all know that.

Um, I should say every
sheet of paper used

will cost you five points
in the game,

whatever the game is. Ready? Hmm.

WHISTLE BLOWS

How many are in here?

There's 25 in that box.

Are we likely to wish we had
more paper or wish we had less?

Mm... Sheets on the table.

Blud...

WHISTLE BLOWS

That has annoyed them more
than I thought it might.

OK, so, Alan, how many sheets
of paper did you choose?

I've got eight. Eight for Alan.

Whoops, he's on -40 already.

Desiree, how many have you got?
Two.

Guz? I did two as well.

Morgana? Six.

And Victoria? Seven. Seven.

OK, I've got part two of
the task for you now. Hmm.

Make paper aeroplanes. Oh.

Your paper aeroplanes must
look like aeroplanes. Oh...

You can't just scrunch them into
balls.

You'll have two minutes
to make your paper aeroplanes,

then 30 seconds each to throw all
your paper aeroplanes into the
receptacles.

You'll see the receptacles
have points on them.

Most points wins.

Your time starts now.

Great...great.

This is painful.

So, the likes of Alan,
he's up against it,

he's on minus 40,

but the bin over there
is worth ten points.

I mean, imagine if I'd taken
all 25, which I considered.

Don't!

LAUGHTER

How do you make it have
that triangle at the end?

Look, do that...that bit there.

Five seconds.

VICTORIA: I don't know how you
do it!

MORGANA: Oh, this is so unfair.

Please stop folding your paper.

So we're gonna go from
first to last this time. Yeah.

Morgana is joint in the lead
so, Morgana,

please bring all your planes over
to the front.

You're on -30 points at the moment.

You've got 30 seconds
to throw seven aeroplanes.

Let's fly.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Bollocks.

Five points down.

Bollocks. Ten points.

Bollocks!

Ooh... So close to not bollocks.

Oh! Ooh, now will she get
any points for that, Greg?

I'm afraid she won't, no.

Bollocks. Oh.

It's -30 to Morgana.
Please return to your table.

Sorry, Morgana.

Them's the breaks.

Flying is a tough game. Who's next?

Next to play the tough game
is Guz Khan. Ah, top gun.

What are you flying towards, Guz?

We try for the five. Uh-huh.

And if it don't pan out, we'll
just slap it down there. Yeah?

That's what pilots say. Good luck.

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK.

Oh, beautiful. Oh! Oh!

DESIREE: He had to go for it.

Oh! Oh!

Guz Khan scores minus ten.

Next up, it's Alan,
who's currently in third place.

Alan, please bring your many,
many planes to the front.

Alan. Yes? 38 planes.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh!

Alan's gonna do it.

That was cruel.
ALAN: It was cruel.

That took eight seconds.
Go on, Al. Oh!

Oh, the glide on it!

17 seconds.

Oh! 14 seconds.

15 points down. Oh...

Ten seconds left, Alan.
Ten seconds.

Ten seconds left. Ten seconds left.

Oh! Five seconds.

Oh! Four seconds.

Oh, it's gone miles!

Oh, my God.
WHISTLE BLOWS

- 40 to Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE

An aeronautical disaster!

LAUGHTER

Desiree up next with her...
Go on, D. ..two... Dessy!

Go, then, D.
..two aeroplanes. Lovely.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, so close!

All right... Wow.

Oh! Oh!

- 10 to Desiree.

APPLAUSE

Well, it's all built up to
Victoria's moment. Has it? Has it?

Are you gonna be
the unlikely top gun?

Can you show me that end one
just there?

This is...this is, no...
This is an avant-garde...

Look, there's its pointy nose and...
DESIREE: It's a Frank Gehry.

Yeah, it's like a... It's a work
of art. Yeah, I buy that.

Good luck, Victoria.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, lovely floating action.

Not a disaster.
Get it in the bowl!

ALAN: Got to get a bit of air.
Don't go downwards.

Throw a little bit upwards. Yeah.

Oh! Oh!

ALL: OH!

15 seconds left, Victoria.
15 seconds.

You almost saved the show.

Nope.

Oh, it hit it.

You've got ten seconds
left, Victoria. Oh, OK.

There... There.

And this...

And the avant-garde one.
This is the one. This is the one!

Come on, come on, come on.

This is the runt of the litter,
come on! Three!

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

That's...that's -35.

Absolutely appalling.

LAUGHTER

Come down so we can conclude

the worst task
in the show's history.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back.

That was so exciting.

It... Oh, honestly,
what an adrenaline rush.

Well, it was a task
to see who could pick

the fewest pieces of paper
out of the box,

so, um, Alan came last.

Gets 1 point with his -40.

Victoria, 2, with -35.
Morgana, 3, with -30.

We've got joint first place
with -10,

Desiree and Guz Khan.
There it is.

That means that Guz Khan is now
into triple figures

with the series score. Wow. Wow.

He is our current leader.

He has also won this episode
with a massive 19 points, Guz Khan.

Oh, my God. Guz Khan wins!

Please, go and get your desirable
thing and some other things!

My!

So what have we learned today?

We've learnt that if you
find yourself on holiday

and all the sun loungers
have been taken,

then why not wade your way through
a tin of Quality Street?

You never know, there might be
a chair in there!

We've also learnt that paper
aeroplanes and bathroom furniture

don't make good television.

See you soon.

And well done again to Guz Khan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media