Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 12, Episode 5 - Croissants Is Croissants - full transcript

It's the 100th episode of Taskmaster. Greg Davies, Alex Horne and their merry band of comics celebrate the only way they know how: with tasks involving plastic balls and flapjacks.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Ooh!

Is this a joke?

Yeah!

Mm. Eurgh!

BELL ECHOES

Oh, I like that!

Wow! Oh...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, and a very warm welcome

to this landmark episode
in Taskmaster history.



Today is our 100th episode.

CHEERING

Over the years, 65 brave competitors
have completed over 500 tasks

and, as a result,
I've handed out over 7,700 points

during my time as Taskmaster.

But I thought,
on this special occasion,

I would shine a light on
the unsung hero of the show,

my faithful assistant.

Tonight's all about Alex.

I know he gets nervous
public speaking,

so I've prepared everything for him.

Alex, enjoy.

I look like a big human shrew.

Blow the thing.



SQUEAKING

Let's get on with the 100th show.

Your competitors are Alan Davies...
APPLAUSE

..Desiree Burch... APPLAUSE

..Guz Khan... APPLAUSE

..Morgana Robinson... APPLAUSE

..and Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE

And the man who I know for a fact
talcs his bot-bot before bed,

for the hundredth time,
please welcome little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thanks, Greg. Hi, guys.

I was pleased with shrew.
There's a resemblance.

That's the hundredth time
you've introduced me.

And it's the hundredth time

we're going to have a bit of banter
now, aren't we? Yes.

Well, I've done a visual
representation of the 100 episodes.

OK. 100 yellow squares. The pink
ones are my favourite episodes.

They're the three times
you've praised me.

That's in the series. Oh!

Each time, it's been good boy.

And I wondered, cos I'm a GB,
if I could do my party trick.

You most certainly may.

And it's quite a good party trick.

If you go to a party,
this is how to get it going.

If I bend my middle finger
on my left hand,

it makes quite a loud noise.

LOUD CLICK

GROANING

And we're off.

Wow...

Do you know the weird thing
about that?

I was just thinking I'm starting to
find your relationship quite erotic.

LAUGHTER

And then you did that thing
with your finger, and...

And that's the thing that ruined it?

It was really starting to gel.

Ooh, well, what is
the hundredth prize task?

Fittingly, the category is the most
elegant thing beginning with G.

Oh. Of course, they can only really
hope to bring in

the second most elegant thing
beginning with G because you, Greg,

are the most elegant beginning
with G by 100 miles.

You're so elegant.

Still, whoever brings
in the next most elegant thing

that begins with G will be rewarded

with a big five point hand-out
and, at the end of the episode,

the winner will take home
five elegant G's.

Very good. Guz Khan.

Hello, bro. Talk to me about
elegance. What have you brought in?

Well, this thing's really elegant.
Have a look at this. Oh, right.

Here it is.

Oh, my gosh!

I was gifted this portrait
from the BBC.

What?! Hold on, before you
start your giggling, all right?

One of the first words that came
to me was like,

"Psh, you're looking mad elegant,
Guz." Yeah?

Who said that? Me to myself.

LAUGHTER

Why do you keep bringing prizes
in that are pictures of you?

Look, I just...

I just want to say that
I get given this stuff, yeah? Yeah.

And then I see it matches the task.

It is pretty elegant. Mm-hm.

I mean, I feel like
I should score him down

because he keeps
celebrating himself.

Yeah, I think people who have
portraits of themselves,

Greg, that's... Yeah.
It's A bit much sometimes. True.

Good point well made.

Um, Alan.

When we used to make the television
programme QI at the now-defunct

London Studios,
they gave me a dressing gown.

See? It's a G.

And, honestly, it's the most elegant
thing I could find.

Here it is.

OK.

LAUGHTER

I mean, if we could've not seen
the image...

..Alan was riding high.

I was talking a good game, wasn't I?

Yeah. But see it says AD, that's me.

But to try and make it
a little bit more elegant,

I have added a brooch.

Inexpensive, but quite stylish.

It's a tatty dressing gown.

LAUGHING: It's a tatty
dressing gown...

Desiree. Yes? Can you beat a
moth-eaten dressing gown...

Yeah, I can.
..that smells of farts? Yeah.

No, no, no, it's laundered.
Freshly laundered.

OK.

What I brought in is a gardenia,
and... Oh, OK.

Yes, gardenia. It's one of my
favourite flowers, it's iconic,

it smells incredible, it is
so finicky - it wants sunlight,

but also humidity, and no draughts,
and it's totally worth it

when you actually have one
sitting in a room.

Do you know what I'm hearing? What?

You talk a good game,
but you've brought a flower in.

Yes, I did. But you said elegant.

I didn't bring in a farty
dressing gown. It's not farty!

I brought in nature's...
It's clean! ..elegance.

Alan... Alan, I can smell
it from here.

OK, Morgana?

So I've brought in
a Christmas decoration.

Uh-oh.

It's a giraffe. And it's glass,

so you get two G's for your money,
and it means a lot to me. OK.

LAUGHTER

DESIREE: Oh, my gosh, I love it!
I love it so much, it's on point.

Oh, my God! Thank you.

As if a giraffe
could be any more elegant,

put some ballet shoes on it.

ALAN: It's got a stunted neck.

GUZ: Yeah, is that...?
That's a horse.

I mean, arguably, the most elegant
characteristic of the giraffe

is the neck.

And that... Guz is right.
That's a curious horse.

Victoria, can you beat
the worst thing I've ever seen?

I think so. I've brought a home-made
thing, which is a toy that I made.

And I wasn't actually expecting it
to be elegant.

Let's go. Home-made elegance?

Here we go. Good luck, Victoria.

MORGANA GASPS

Thank you.

And I sewed that.

I feel like you've lost your mind.

No.

What I thought I was making was
the character Mr Greedy.

But it came out so elegant,
it is in fact Greedy Esquire.

It's a one-eyed testicle.

Victoria, listen,
across this series,

you have been consistently
a sensational bullshitter.

But even you can't
get your way out of this.

Right, then, Greg.

OK.

It's really hard cos I have a huge
wave of affection

for Mr Greedy Esquire.

I have a huge amount of affection
for the short-necked ballet giraffe.

I think Desiree's is the worst.

One point. Lovely.

Now, at the top of the tree,
no problem. Ah.

I mean, the man's an egomaniac,
but he's an elegant one.

Congratulations, Guz. Five points.
Incredible.

Two points, but much admiration,

to Mr Greedy Esquire.

Three points, unbelievably,

to a short-necked giraffe.

And even more unbelievably,

I'm going to give four
points to Alan

and, and I've got to be honest
with you all,

I don't feel great about it.

LAUGHTER

There we go - five points
to Guz Khan.

APPLAUSE

Off we go.
Let's get this party started.

Yes, please,
and what's a party without cake?

Mm.

Hello, Alex. You all right, mate?

Yes, please.

Stuff of nightmares. I mean,
every time I see one of these,

I'm just like, "What kind of
insanity will this throw me into?"

LAUGHS

You guys are dumb!

Sit on a cake.

Sit on a cake?

Fastest wins.

Fastest wins. So it's not
really about baking a cake, is it?

There are five bonus points
for the best cake.

Are you giving points for if I went
and sourced a Victoria sponge

from somewhere posh?

Or what it looks like after my ass
has smushed it to pieces?

A point for the best cake.

Time starts now?

Sit on a cake!

I'm fascinated, Desiree,
that you always read the task,

I've noticed, and are surprised
when it's something silly.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I guess I'm just surprised
by the level of silly. I don't know.

Sit on a cake?

Let's see how they did. Right.

Morgana and Guz are up first.

Will they have their cake
and SEAT it? Let's find out.

Have you got any cakes
hanging around?

Well, there's always a cake in
the Taskmaster premises. Is there?

You got any cakes in here?

There's always a cake on the
Taskmaster premises somewhere.

Thanks, buddy.

Is there a cake in here?

I don't know.

Or are there...? Like, is there
a secret cake room?

Pardon?

A secret cake room?
There might be a secret cake room.

It's the kind of thing you guys do.

I'm looking for cakes. Right.

There's ingredients for a cake,
but this is about time,

so there's no point baking
a cake from scratch.

Well, I'm just going to
make one then. OK.

Fastest wins. Oh, Jesus.

It's a very loose show
with loose definitions.

Uh-huh. So what I would say is,
one might be able to make a cake

out of something
with a pre-existing base.

Yeah, I reckon that's tonnes.

Science is key.

If you follow the rules of science,

you'll get a lovely rise.

Less finessing. Shall we finesse it
a little bit more?

Well, there's five bonus points
for the best cake.

I don't think it's supposed
to look like that.

I believe you get fibre from these.
That's breakfast cereal.

So now what you have here, bro,
is texture.

Very important for a cake.

I learnt that on Instagram.

You're up to 35 minutes.
Rome wasn't built in a day.

How many candles do you like, Alex?

I'm 42.

These can represent
the two bit of it.

It's going in. How long are
they going in for, Morgana?

A bit.

A bit? A bit of time?

Happy 40... There were meant to be
two, but 42nd birthday, bro.

WHISPERS: Happy birthday.

I mean,
it says to bake for 20 minutes.

That'll be noon. Yeah.

The incredible teapot cake.

That was really satisfying, bro.

Well, I've stopped the clock,
but you can carry on if you want.

Oh, my God. Look at this shit.

Look at this!

It's almost too high.

How long are we at now?
Hour and ten.

APPLAUSE

Wow!

Here she goes.

It's surprisingly nice.

Stop the clock?

I'm no expert, Morgana,

but I'm fairly certain there's
a market for that video.

Well, we did eat the cake.

Is that bad? It was quite nice.
Yeah. Wasn't it?

Quite the party we had, was it?

I found both of your attempts
quite stressful.

I thought we were going to have
to be picking bits of teapot

out of Guz's backside...
Yeah. ..at one point.

And then you came in with
a sparkler on top of your cake,

and I thought, OK. That was spicy.

This is, like, medieval now.

Now, was Guz's a cake?
Well, that's up to you.

A cake is usually a round mass
of food that is baked or fried.

Croissants is baked, ain't it? Yeah.

But also croissants is croissants.

It's a teacake. It's a teapot cake.
Thank you, Morgs.

I mean, it was just sit on a cake,
fastest wins.

He sat on his "cake"
in seven minutes, 27 seconds.

Whoa. But... How long did it take
you to bake that?

Don't. About three weeks.

But look at the results! I mean,
that cake was majestic. Thank you.

But it did take her as long
as it would take to go to France

and sit on a gateaux -
one hour, 45.

And as she so succinctly put it,

"If you follow the rules of science,
you'll get a lovely rise."

Sorry, everybody. I'm afraid
I've got some very bad news.

It's the end of part one.

Oh, hello.

Welcome back to our
Taskmaster centenary.

It's my party,
and I'll cry if I want to.

The current task is a simple task.

Sit on a cake. Fastest wins.

Guz and Morgana had a good old sit,

now for the attempts of Alan Davies
and Victoria Sponge.

Your time starts now.

Just need to find a cake.
Or something that looks like a cake.

Art supplies, art supplies.

Where are you going?

I'm going inside to make a cake. OK.

What's that, Victoria?
It's a flapjack.

I always carry them.

I have flapjacks with me
at all times.

Just in case.

What flavour of cake do you
think this is? It's lemon.

It's a lemon cake, look at it.

That's a ridiculous question.

What I've done there is
a little bit of piping.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday Taskmaster

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Really good fun. Yeah.

But it's a cake, isn't it?

Everything that's not, you know,
meat and vegetables is a cake,

isn't it? I'll write that down.

Another fascinating example of

Victoria assuming that her way
of living is the norm.

"Yes, I always carry a flapjack
with me at all times."

I mean, I can vouch for that.
That is true.

She has arrived every time
with flapjacks,

and on this occasion,
it was very useful.

The rest of us aren't carrying
a flapjack with us at all times.

Well, more fool you.
I mean... Yeah.

No, I just think it's
an incredible ability you've got,

to normalise eccentric behaviour.

No, but I... I think if I went for
a dinner with you

and you said, "Right, shall we?"

And then you shaved off both your
eyebrows, I would just do the same.

This is how it's done in Victoria's
house, so off... off they go.

Off they go. Yeah.

Alan, not a cake is my argument.

Ah. Wow. I was very preoccupied with
the speed thing.

I thought, well, obviously
they don't want you to bake a cake,

that's ridiculous.

And I live a bit of an abnormal life
where I don't have cakes in my bag.

You weren't that preoccupied
with the speed.

You were second slowest. Oh, was I?

He was 11 minutes, 55 seconds,

compared to Victoria's
25 second attempt.

So actually that's
the longest gap between me

and finding a cake in the last
seven or eight years, so...

..I'm ashamed.

All right, then. Who's next?
There's one person left.

It's Desiree's turn to try to be
the fastest to sit on a cake.

Where's the damn cakes?
Where are the cakes?

Where are you hiding cakes?
I mean, should I, like...?

I've got to find the cake?

All the information...
Yeah, I know.

MOCKING: All the information
is on the...

Sit on a cake!

Really? Aw, Jesus.

Does this kitchen have
anything in it?

Sit on a cake.

Where are you hiding cake?

Do I have to make the cake first?!

Oh, fuck you
if that's the right answer.

All right, we got to start
eliminating rooms.

This is probably the last one
it would be in.

Ugh...

Do these come up?

Is this the loo of this place?

Oh. Ha!

LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY

Oh, really, is that so?

Oh!

LAUGHS

OK.

It's been sat.

I mean, is this what a winner
looks like or what?

Happy 100th birthday, man.

You look great.

Pays to moisturise.

APPLAUSE

Wow. Textbook cake sitting.

I read "sit on a cake"
as find a cake and then sit on it.

This is going to be a bit tricky

because that was one spectacular
cake that she found.

But it was made of shaving foam,
so was that a real cake?

Certainly helps me
if it's considered a real cake.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.
You're right.

I am going to say that's
a real cake,

and that means that old paper bag
boy slips under the net as well.

Well, in that case,
Morgana was the slowest obviously

cos she took nearly two hours.

Alan, 12 minutes pretty much.

Guz, seven minutes, 27.

Desiree, two minutes 45
to find the cake.

She searched fast, but nowhere near
as fast as Victoria's 25 seconds.

So five points to Victoria
first of all. Oh.

APPLAUSE

At last.

So what's the best cake?

Well, I don't see that
I have a choice,

and I sort of feel sorry for Desiree
in a way because she found our cake.

But, I mean, there's no doubt
what the most spectacular cake was.

Morgana Robinson. Fair enough.

Well done, Morgana.
Five bonus points. Thank you.

It was worth the two hours
slaving away.

Scoreboard, please.
Well, she did the best cake

and she's now in the lead.
With nine points, it's Morgana.

APPLAUSE

Let us press on.

Let's, and this team task
is a load of balls.

OK, Morgana, you're number one.
Please read the task.

Get the most balls in the net.

Oh.

Here.

Can you see a net?
I can't see a net.

Oh, I've got... There's a net here.
You've got a net there? Yeah.

I suppose the balls are in here.

Everyone must stay on their
spots at all times.

If anyone other than the task
reader - that's me...

..touches or handles a ball,

you lose five balls
from your ball total.

So only you can hold balls.
So I can only touch balls. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Oh. Look at me! Mm-hm.

Also the person on the middle spot
must sit for ten seconds

and then stand up straight
for ten seconds on repeat.

Sit for ten, stand for ten. Yeah?

Any balls remaining
between the task reader

and the middle person will be
deducted from your ball total.

You have five minutes.

Don't read the next line.
Don't read the next line.

Will you just read it again, please?

Any balls remaining between the
task reader and the middle person -

so between me and Guz - will be
deducted from your ball total.

Your time starts when Alex pretends
his whistle isn't working.

OK, team, there are 100 balls
to play with. Good luck.

WEAK WHISTLE Oh.

So, I guess you just...
Sorry, sorry, my whistle's broken.

Oh, has it? OK, great.

Mm-hm. A lot of rules, Greg. Yes.

So many rules. Yes.
Pretty straightforward?

Got to get balls from one end of
the corridor to the other.

Avoid the person in the middle.

Get them in the net.
Person in the middle. Yeah.

Smashing. Plop, plop, plop.

OK, we're going to see
the team of three first.

Here's how they got on.

Plop, plop, plop.

We need to get the most
balls in here.

Uh, we lose a point per ball
of any that land between you two.

Why don't you just throw that
net down over here?

I kind of feel like it... Ten!

You've got to get up.

GUZ: Thank you, Dee.

No worries.

Ten!

Aw, yeah, you got it. Yes.
You must sit down. Huh?

Ten!

How long have I got?
Four minutes, 30.

I mean, I think
we're going to do this.

Yeah, it's just about fitting
balls in that. GUZ: Go on, Morgs.

Ten!

Oh, I know. I know what
we could do. Ten!

Knives are sharp. Yes. Ten!

GUZ: Mad team, you're wrecking...
I love that.

Ten!

Ten! Ten!

Honestly, you're just mocking,
isn't it?

WHISTLE Got it!Yes.

Oi-oi! Woo!

How do you think you've done, team?

Got every single ball.

I mean, except for that one
that fell out.

What?!

You were so mad about it.

I was absolutely...
I was beside myself.

Well, I've got to say,
it's a work of genius. Yeah.

As far as I can work out,
no rules were broken.

It was a well-oiled machine. Mm.

You're looking at me
like there was a rule broken.

Well, it did say any balls
remaining between the task reader

and the middle person would be
deducted from your ball total

and all of them were between the
task reader and the... middle person.

Oh...

Oh. They needed to be turned around.
Oh, no.

The other side. So, actually,
they... They got 90.

You arsehole. Reading!

So they so they got 99 balls
in their net,

100 balls were between them,
so you got a score of minus one.

Wow... Wow.

So can we say the theory was genius,
but the reality is crushing?

Yeah. That's the most sad
I've been on television.

Well, you looked pretty sad

when you had to do a modicum
of physical exercise.

LAUGHTER

Advert time now.

Or as Channel 4 will insist
on calling it

"Stop slagging off our
paymasters, Greg!" time.

Hello, everyone,
and welcome back to the show.

Alex, please bring us up to speed
with the task in play.

1,000 wild horses wouldn't be
able to stop me.

The current team task involves
trying to get the most balls

in the net at one end of the
corridor

from the other end of the corridor,

with a person in the middle
getting in the way.

Desiree, Guz, and Morgana came up
with a good technique,

but still got minus one point.

For the team of two,
I got to be the piggy in the middle,

so here's how me, Vic,
and Al got on.

Here we go.

BLOWS AIR

He's done the thing.
It isn't working.

Ow.

ALAN LAUGHS

Ow.

Oh, God.

These don't go very well.

I can't even see them.

Oh, can I? Have you got one?
Have you got it? Yes.

Did that get through? Yes.

Ow.

Roll it, Alan. Roll it.

Ah! Wait, hold on.

Yeah.

Ow.

Ow. Perfect.

Wait, wait, we got it. Ow.

Ow. Ooh! Ooh, come on.

Nice.

I can't believe
I can't get any through. Oh!

Ow.

Kick them, Alex. Kick them
backwards. Backwards.

You want me to kick them backwards?
Oh, wait.

If they touch you,
we lose points. Yes.

Oh, then don't kick them.
Don't kick them? OK.

Oh. Oh...

Ow. Ooh, there we go...

There we go. Oh, no, no, no, no,
one bounced out.

OK.

Ooh, it's so near!

Come on, my little pixie.

One minute 30 left.

I wonder why anglers have
to actually catch live fish.

This is all the joy
and none of the trauma.

Ugh.

Ow. Ten seconds left.
BREATHLESS: Ten seconds left.

Ow.

No, no, no, no, don't come out,
don't come out. Ow.

WHISTLE

Alan. Alan, Alan...

I think we might get a minus score.

Just a quick reminder to everyone

what we were watching there were
very light children's balls

being tossed down
a relatively short corridor.

I just wanted to put that in context
of Alan's exhaustion.

Alan started all right,
missed you a few times,

but I'm worried about
the minus points here... Yes.

..because I think they
might be colossal.

Minus five every time
you struck me with a ball.

I was struck 20 times.

Oh! That's minus 100.

There were also 46 left
between me and Alan.

You had 30 in the net,
12 left in the box.

You got a score of minus 128.

Well, that's humiliating.

I mean, isn't life unfair?

I get a lot of stick for not
applying the rules strictly enough

and, on this occasion, I feel I have
to go by the letter of the law.

I'm afraid it's zero points
all round.

DESIREE: Wow. Huh?

What a magnificent and futile use
of our mortal lifespan.

What are you going to say, man?
This is a big part of your life too.

Are you happy with this?
I think he's... he's the guy.

I think he makes the decisions.

He will get a lot of grief for that,
and he's fine with that.

Yeah, yeah, bring it on. Wow.
No-one achieved the task.

What can bring us back
from that awful, awful tragedy?

Well, Greg, you know
how you hate football?

Whoops.

OK.

It's a lovely football.

I'm not good at any of this stuff.

I'm hoping that it's just
a pretend football full of sweets.

Prevent Alex from scoring a goal.

Alex will attempt to score
a goal in 15 minutes' time.

And the ball and goalposts must be
on their spots when he does.

Wait, where...?

Oh. Ha-ha-ha... OK.

You must be 12 yards from the ball
when Alex attempts to score.

12 yards?

Slowest goal score by Alex wins.

Wait, just...

Wait, how long have I got?

Oh, you... Wait.

Yeah, I understand
what you're saying.

Well, have you said
the last line yet?

Yeah, I just... Mm...

Time starts now.

Football, Greg.

Football, it is.

But hopefully a reinvention of, uh,
that dreary game. Mm.

Right. Who are we going to see?

OK. This is how Desiree tried
to stop me scoring a goal.

I'm surprised more football teams
don't do this. Yeah.

There's a spot right there.

There's a chink in the armour.

Oh, there are holes in it.

Please don't get stuck.

Thank you so much.

WHISTLE OK.

Yes!

Oh, I just realised what
I should've done.

OK, cool. Cool, cool, cool.

LAUGHS

Jesus...

Thank you, Desiree. Thank you.

GUZ: Yeah, I love that. I love that.

Absolutely heart-breaking.

One of the great football
tragedies of our time. Yes.

She said ten out of ten
for the idea,

six out of ten for the execution.
I think six is...

Six out of ten is very...
Yeah, it's generous.

Very generous. Yeah.

You also said, "I think there might
be a chink in the armour."

Armour was quite generous as well.
Yeah. Right. Accurate.

Who's next? Accurate.
Now for our next two goalkeepers,

and a couple of facts
for you this time, Greg -

the name Morgana means great circle

and Alan Davies once cameoed as
celebrity chef Otto Clark

in Hotel Babylon.

And here's how
they got on in the task.

Et voila.

Definitely harder now.

You could still score
this side though.

Can you Google how long is...?
How long is a ya...? Uh...

12 yards in metres, please.

It's 10.973 metres.

A foot isn't a yard, is it?

This is going to scupper me.

10.973 metres?

Down she goes.

One...

Two...

Could make a coffee table
out of this.

Ugh, six.

Eight.

10.97...

WHISTLE

Are you ready for me to go?

I'm going to try to hit it off
the fence.

You're going to have to de...
defect... de... deflect.

Go, Alex...

ALEX STRAINS

Ooh!

Oh!

Argh! You're just doing your best,
that's all you can do.

I'm doing my best.

Oh! Ooh!

Argh! No.

Oh. Oh, that was a good save.

Ah.

What's going on here?

No! Did it cross the line?

I think the cow saved it.

Oh, no.

Oh!

Argh!

No.

Gargh!

Oh... it's in.

BOTH PANTING
Well done.Well done, you.

What's in here?

Oh, my God!

Outrageous, outrageous, outrageous!

Ooh, no!

No, sorry.

APPLAUSE

So entertaining. A new sport
genuinely has been born, I think.

It largely was an exercise in metric
conversion for you, wasn't it?

Most of it.

I sense that Alan and you
were there for hours.

We were basically wrestling
by the end.

That's what it felt like.
It did. Yeah.

Come in for your tea
when it gets dark.

I took, really, nine minutes,
47 to score against Alan. Right.

Uh, with Morgana, ten minutes,
five altogether.

So she was the slowest so far.

Right. We've hammered through three
quarters of our hundredth episode,

so get the kids to bed,
we'll finish the show

and then we can have a bit of...

WHISPERS: you and me time.

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's the final part of the show

and there's one task that isn't
quite finished.

You're totally right.

They're all trying to stop me
from scoring a goal.

I've already scored three,
so bad luck, everyone.

Will it be 5-0 to Alex United?

Well, that's up to Victoria and Guz.

How good are you at football?

If there was nothing in the way,
what are your chances?

I would back myself to score a goal.

Yeah, it has to be on the spot.
Yeah. The spot can move? Oh.

It didn't say anything
about the spot having not to move.

Are you sure?

I need to prop it on something.

Does this move?

If the spot isn't on the spot,

then there's some kind
of null and void...

I don't know what the legal term
is, but there must be some kind

of null and void situation
going on here, brother.

Oh, my word... I'll pop him...
On there?

Oh, my God.

You all right, Guz?
Yeah, all right, mate.

Where's the spot?

The ball's on the spot.
The ball's on the spot? Yeah.

OK. Good luck.

If you score a goal from there,
I'll give you £100.

That's your time up, Guz.
WHISTLE

OK!

Uh...

Hello, Guz?

Can you let me in?

Uh, no.

Now, you've got to stay 12 yards
from the ball. Yeah.

The ball's got to stay
on the spot. Yeah.

But you moved the spot. Yeah.

So I'm going to move the spot.
Huh? You can do that?

Well, you did it.

Oh, that was a good save.

OK!

You didn't even move.

Good going, Guz. No, well done.
Thank you. I liked that game.

Oh! No!

No, no, no, no!

How did you do that?

Well, I kicked it over it.

SLOW MOTION: Oh!

No!

No, no, no, no!

I should've stood in the goal,
shouldn't I? Yeah.

Wow, I failed that one.

APPLAUSE

"If you score a goal from there,
I'll give you £100."

He doesn't seem like someone
who could do that.

No, it was a glorious lob.

Should I tell you how I knew
he was going to do it?

Cos of them shit flickers.
That's what.

The plastic shoes finally earned
their place on this show.

Specifically utilised to, yeah.
Mm. Yeah.

I thought you'd snookered him.

You see, snooker I'm quite good at.

Football very bad.
That's exactly it.

I would say the barrel
wasn't that close to the ball.

If it had been a foot closer to the
ball, I wouldn't have been able to.

I didn't know the ball
could go upwards.

I mean, the ball
was going very slowly

and there was time, probably,
to have just...

..stepped to your right, and...

Never occurred to me.
No, I know. Of course not!

And I'd have been disappointed
if you'd made an effort.

Guz, amazing goal work.

He was getting really
out of breath too. I was.

Yeah, you did seem out of puff.

Well, I'd already
burst down the front door.

That was the scariest moment
of Taskmaster.

Never seen him aggressive in his
life, and then he blasted that door.

I shit myself when I was sat there.

I mean, I can't see how Guz hasn't
absolutely walked this task. Mm.

He hasn't. Has he not?

Well, I got the ball
in about three minutes,

and then scored in
about two and a half.

It only took him six minutes.

In terms of actual time,
Desiree - quickest goal,

then Victoria,

then Guz, then Alan.

But Morgana was the slowest,
so she gets five points. Wow. Wow.

Who'd have thunk it?
Who'd have thunk it?

Wonderful stuff.
Quick look at the scores?

Well, I've got the scores

and Morgana's in the lead
with 14 points.

OK, everybody, please
make your way to the stage

for the 100th final task
of the show!

Yes, please. Hello. Yes, please.
A lot of balloons here.

100.

Would you like someone
to read the task? I would.

Morgana Robinson,
please could you read the task?

Pop the most balloons.

You may pop between one
and ten balloons each turn.

If you pop one of the five
bad balloons, you are disqualified.

The eventual winner gets
ten actual points. Wow.

So it's like a dart roulette
kind of thing.

Thanks for making Alex obsolete.

LAUGHTER

You're welcome.

So on your turn you can pop
between one and ten balloons.

Whoever doesn't burst a bad
balloon wins

and, as it's the 100th episode,
they'll get ten actual points,

which is huge. Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
I see.

Everyone else will get points
based on how many balloons they pop.

Ooh... So we're going to go from the
person in last place

to the person in first place,
so Desiree is up first.

Please bring your hedgehog
to the table.

OK. Good luck.

OK.

Oh! One good balloon.

Ooh...

Two good balloons.

She's carrying on.

Oi, oi. Three.
Three good. Three good.

Four good.

Yeah, that's me.
She's having a rest.

Oh, lovely opening darts. Yeah.

So, she scored four,
there are 96 balloons left,

including the five bad ones.

Victoria is up next.

I've forgotten my glasses.
Who's brave now?!

Yeah. Me.

OK.

Ooh. DESIREE: Nice. A double pop.

It was a double pop. Two.

Three. Wow.

Oh, my gosh, this is getting
harder and harder. Yeah.

Three so far still.

Oh, it's a bad! Ooh!

Victoria, you are out of the game.
Shall I leave?

Do stay in the studio. OK.

Next up, it's Alan.
Hello, Alan Davies. Hi.

There are 92 balloons left, Alan.

Four baddies.

Nice. One. One good.

Oi. Two. Yeah.

Three. If Alan throws this next one
and it's not a bad balloon,

I'm going to use a phrase

I've wanted to use on television
for many years. Ooh.

Lovely darts. LAUGHTER

You're on four.

Five good balloons.
He's in the lead.

Oh, he's really pushing it
though, isn't it?

Six. Wow. Wow!

Off he goes.

Oh, he's bailed.

He's bailed on seven.

Next up, Guz, please bring your
hedgehog to the table.

One good balloon.

Two.

Three.

Lovely darts. Four.

Nerves of steel. Yeah.

Shall I just do a random one
for the...?

Six.

Seven. Guz is picking
balloons out now,

so it makes the shape of his face.

Let's leave it.
He's leaving on eight.

He's in the lead. Why not?
Can I just say something else?

That's darts.

Morgana, it's your go.

75 balloons left, four of them bad.

I'm sort of in the mood for just
closing my eyes and throwing.

Goggles on.

Oh. One.

It's maverick.

Two. That is very good.

Three. Oh, man.

Four.

Now I'm just getting cocky.
Do I stop?

GUZ: No, don't stop cos
the energy's right. Is it?

Yeah, yeah, 100%.

Look... That's telling me to stop.

OK, she's stopping on four.

OK, so we're back with Desiree, who
has got four balloons to her name.

Oh, it's a bad balloon! Oh, Dee!

There's only three players
left in the game.

Guz in the lead with eight.

It's Alan to play.

Oh. Two. Oh! It's a double pop.

He's got into the lead
with nine there.

It's another double pop.

I'm out. He's out.

Ooh!

It's a double.

That is darts.

Whoa, that dart did hit a camera.
We're on four now.

Four cameramen?

Five. Right, that's it.
So, Alan, you're two behind Guz.

Argh!

It's a bad balloon.
He crashed it out.

Oh, I grazed it and it still... Oh!

His 27th balloon was a bad balloon,
so it's Guz versus Morgana.

Guz is on 18, Morgana just nine,
so it's some tactics at play here.

Please bring your hedgehog
to the table.

Two very different approaches.

VICTORIA: This is madness!

You've done three.

Four. You're still going?

Five.

Six. You're now on 24 balloons.

Just two behind Alan now.

You're not thinking it through, Guz.
He dances so close to the flame.

Think it through.

He's walking away,
he's walking away.

OK, you're on nine, Morgana,
Guz on 24.

You need to throw a few darts here.

Too bad!

Lovely.

No. I'm done. OK, she's stopped,
so, Guz, you're on 24.

Tactical. Morgana is on 11.

What are you doing to do, Guz?

You must burst at least one.

Blood pressure's gone here.
I can feel it.

It's got to be one and out,
hasn't it?

That's what I'm
saying inside my head.

You're saying it outside your head,
I think, Greg.

LAUGHTER

Ooh!

That is darts!

ALAN: That was a double as well.
He's on 26.

Lovely.

Yes. Ooh!

Oh! It's a bad balloon.

That is... absolutely gut-wrenching.

Come down here and
we'll add that to the final scores.

Lovely darts. What a game!

Whoo! What a game.

I was on the edge of my throne. Ooh!

Yes, I mean, they really burst
some good and bad balloons.

Victoria only burst three good
balloons in the end,

so she gets one point.

Desiree burst four good balloons,
she gets two points.

Morgana 14 good balloons,
three points.

Alan gets four points
for his 26 good balloons.

But the winner of ten whole points
is Guz Khan.

Took it.

Deserved it.

And I can tell you how that
affects the series scores

at the halfway stage of the series.

I'm feeling good.
Victoria, yes, you should feel good.

You've got 64 points.

Ooh!Go on. APPLAUSE

And Desiree is on 76,

Alan on 80,

Morgana on 82,

but thanks to that
good balloon popping,

Guz is in the lead with 83.

Ooh! Very close. Very close.

And in this particular episode,
Guz won with 21 points.

There it is!

Guz Khan wins. Please go and gather
your elegant gear.

So what have we learnt today?

Well, after 100 shows, I've at last
learnt that I've misjudged Alex.

He works so hard, he's so creative,
he's so loyal, so nice,

and I just throw it back
in his face.

So to mark today,
I wanted to rip up the past

and start afresh, old friend.

I've got you a little card
just to...

You can see it for yourself,
just to say thank you.

Oh, Greg!

Well, thank you.

It says, "I look like
a big human shrew."

That's the 100th show done.

Well done, everybody, and well done
to the person that won this episode.

It's Guz Khan.

Freshly laundered!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media