Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - I Hate Your Trainers - full transcript

The competing comics demonstrate their love of watermelon and Johnny tries to win points by grabbing a passing cyclist and introducing him to some Christmas-related equipment.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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Ahh!

Hoo-hoo!

Oh, no!

Hi.

Whoo! Ra-ra-ra!

Argh!

Hello, I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to Taskmaster,

a pantomime of the pointless,
a circus of the ridiculous.

A ridicu-circus.

And in this arena of anarchy,
this big top of terror,

I am your clinically obese
ringmaster.



And these are your clowns.

It's Daisy May Cooper!

Johnny Vegas!

Katherine Parkinson!

Mawaan Rizwan!

And Richard Herring!

And to my left,

a man who looks like
a cylinder of meat

that's been rolled across
a hairdresser's floor -

it's the human woolly kebab -

little Alex Horne!

Thank you. Hello, everyone.

Hello, everyone.
I'm making it my mid-series
resolution to be nice to you.

Oh. Well, I could tell you a secret,
then, if you want.



Yes, please. It's a side project
I've been doing

for quite a number of years.

You're not allowed to tell them.
All right.

I'm Banksy.

Cool. That is cool actually.

Do you believe me? Yeah.
It's not the person I was expecting,

but why not? Yeah.
Does it change your opinion of me?

Nope. It's one of your strongest
openers. Yeah?

Well done. Let's crack on.
Prize task, please.

Prize task. Thank you. This week,
they've been asked to bring in

the best pointy thing.

Oh. Mm. It's pretty simple stuff.
Have you got a pointy thing? Yes.

Is it the best pointy thing? Yes.
Well done, here's five points.

And you might win it back at the end of the
show if you carry on this winning streak. OK?

Right. Good. OK.

Johnny, h-what is your pointy thing?

My pointy thing is...

..brilliant and saves lives.

Mm. Five points looking good.

A meat thermometer.

Here's the meat thermometer.

I may have gone early
with the five points.

Oh, come on. I'd say you were around
the two-point mark at the moment,

but try and talk it up.
Because it-it-it...

For novice chefs, for everyone -

you've still got to feed
your children, haven't you?

And the last thing you want to do
is... is... is...

..give them raw meat. Does everyone
have a meat thermometer?

I haven't. No, I haven't.
But, then, as you can see,

I largely eat processed food.

I'd like one, I think,
as a... an objet d'art.

Mawaan. Well, I've actually
brought in a self-help book...

OK... because it makes some great...

..points. Mmm. No.

Mm. Yes. It's called How To Get
Your Point Across In 30 Seconds...

..Or Less. All right. Well,
talk me through... Make some points.

I'll use some of the skills
I learnt... Yep.
..to get my point across.

The triangle technique.
Yep. Er, you've got your content,

delivery,...er...

Form.

I don't really know what it means,
but it sounds good, you see.

You're all over the shop, mate.
You're talking about a book

that's got the word "point".
Look at the corners!

Pointy. Could hurt yourself on that.
Last place, I think.

Who's next? Richard. Yes!

My pointy thing is a mask
of that guy off of Hellraiser

with the pointy... with
lots of points on his face.

Here he is. Look at
the number of points on that!

He's Pinhead. Yeah.
Disgusting old thing, innit?

It is. I wear that in bed
with my wife. She likes it.

And do you keep saying, "Look at me"
over and over again?

I think she likes it because it
keeps my... face away from her face.

So there's... Fair play to you,
Richard, it's not a bad pointy
thing. It's a pointy thing.

It's very pointy. Lot of points
on that. Right, Daisy. Yes.

Unbelievably leading
in the series thus far,

despite, in this round, having
a consistently shocking record.

This could be the one.

You could really cement your place
at the top of the pile...

I really couldn't... with something
imaginative and different.

Kebab stick. Oh, right...

It's a kebab stick. I tell you why,
because it doubles up

as a javelin for a Sylvanian Family

and I don't know if you've ever
tried to hold an Olympic event

with Sylvanian Families, but
you cannot buy javelins for 'em.

Here it is,
the javelin slash kebab stick.

Oh, God.

It's literally like you remembered
there was a task

and it just fell into your drawer.

Well, it's a pointy thing.
Erm, Katherine,

can you beat the laziest person
in the room?

I don't have much confidence
in this one, particularly
after you've shown Richard's,

because mine is also a mask,
but it's only got one point.

It's a Venetian mask. Is it?
More attractive than Richard's.

It looks like this.

Ohh. Oh, yeah. Ooh. Oh, OK.

This one "protects the wearer's
identity during promiscuous
or decadent activity."

I... I look at that
and I just see Tom Cruise

holding onto his marriage.
Oh, my goodness.

I mean, it's a pointy mask. I like
that, I think that's brilliant.

I had thought of doing satnav
as a pointy thing, erm,

which I think might've been
a better choice.

It wouldn't. No, OK.
No, it wouldn't.

I like that. So you've got a book,
two pointy masks...

Yep... and a couple of sticks
over here. I'm putting Mawaan last.

Yeah, sorry. One point.

She put in a metal stick!
That's pointy. There's no justice.

Two points - Sylvanian
fall-into-a-drawer girl.

OK, in third place...
Meat thermometer.

Meat-thermometer man. Three points.
Yeah. Saves lives - good try.

So it's the battle of the masks.
And it's a choice between the masks.
Yes.

The honest truth is that
I just instinctively like the image

of Richard Herring sitting in bed
wearing that mask.

So I'm going to give Katherine
four points... Fair enough.

..and Richard five.
Richard Herring wins the first task.

I needed it. Tasky, tasky.

Yessy, yessy. Baggy, baggy.

Hi, Daisy. Hello.

Hello! All right, Alex?

How are you? I'm a bit cold.
Cold? Yeah.

Where's your big coat? Oh,
I suppose I could wear a... a coat.

That's for Christmas trees. Yes.

"Bag the heaviest thing
from the furthest distance."

"Your attempt ends
when you have bagged an item."

"Highest score wins."

"Your score is the weight
of the bagged object in grams

"multiplied by the distance
from the bagging machine

"in centimetres."

"You have 20 minutes."
"Your time starts now."

Erm,...the bath won't go in!

Oh, God... Have you two considered
doing a double act of some kind,

you and Katherine,
because the banter between you...

You instinctively knew she was cold
and she confirmed she was.

You suggested she could've worn
a coat and she confirmed, yes,

had she previously thought of it,
she would've worn a coat!

Then we left... And I was like,
"What the fuck?!"

I don't know what
you're going to do next!

Wait and see.
Hey, I like the idea of this task.

Your sort of thing, isn't it?
It is my sort of thing

and I often go past
those Christmas-tree things

and I think,
"I wouldn't mind popping myself
through one of those."

Well, this is long-distance bagging.
Right, bag it up, baby.

Bag it up, baby. We're going
to start with Mawaan,... Sure.

..Daisy and, yes, sod it, why not?
Also Richard. Lovely.

So what I'm going to do is fill
this up with really heavy things

and then I'm going to stand on
a... on, like, a ladder, I think,

and then get, like,
a tube or something...

What's the heaviest thing
I can weight it with?

So you're going to send it
down a zipwire. Yes, basically.

What sort of a case is it, Richard?

It's a... trumpet...

I'm going to make a rice tunnel.
A rice tunnel. Yeah.

Rice rocket.

Do you want me to cross out
"rice tunnel"? Yeah, rice rocket.

Are you all right? Yep.

Won't shut unless
it's in the actual shape of a horn.

How's the bag going
over that sledge?

Yep, that's not going to work.

You've got nine minutes.

Come on. So slow.

You're throwing from there?
I think I'll go from here.

We'll try it from here.
OK, let's mark the front foot.

One,

two, waah!

That was too far away.

What's in the bag, Daisy?

Bricks.

Oh, that's heavy, that.

What even is that?
It's a boat winch.

A boat wench? Winch.

One, two,...

What number were you trying
to get to?

OK, ready.

Put down the measuring bowl.
Good luck.

Good, innit?

There's like a little rope thing,
yeah.

Yeah...

I could do a run-up to it.

Waah!

That was almost the closest.

Do you want me to let go? Yep.

Fuck!

That's not going to work.

Bend your knees. It's really heavy.

Whoa!

I might just throw it in. Yeah?
I think so.

Ready, steady,...

Yep.

Well, thank you, Mawaan.
OK. Merry Christmas.

Are you going to weigh it now? Yes.

Ooh! That is heavy, right? Yeah.

Congratulations, Richard. Thank you.

Yeah. Lovely bagging.
Lovely bagging.

Someone was excited to show off
his big scissors, wasn't he?

They were so big! I know...

Mawaan, you came good
with that old Christmas classic...

Yeah... the rice rocket.

And I don't know... I don't know

what part of your brain
you accessed that idea from.

I was just thinking, like,
aerodynamic,... Right.

..but rice. It was very heavy.
It was very, very heavy.

Daisy. I always think,
if you want to throw something

the furthest distance

through an aperture
that's directly in front of you,

it's all about trajectory.

I was thinking

that the distance
I could do in height.

No? It's a complete collapse
of common sense.

Richard, you went old school

with the classic horn case
full of pebbles.

What I was noticing was that you
were taking a run at it... Yeah.

But I was running towards my mark.
You know when people
are throwing javelins,

they don't just go...
They go, "Waaah!"

You're quite right, and
I was going to come on to "Waah",

which, on
the pebbles-in-a-horn-case circuit,

you're known for the "Waah".
Let's have some statistics.

There's going to be some big scores
because it's centimetres
times grams.

Mawaan - three metres away,
3.05 metres away.

That's good, innit? Feels good.
It weighed 8.6 kilograms,

so the score is 2.623 million.

Wow! The population of Birmingham.

I get 2.6 million points? Yep.

No, that's your score.
They don't translate to points.

2.6 million... That's his score.
Centimetres times grams.

Richard, er, from 2.7 metres,
15 and a half kilograms.

You get a score of 4.1 million,
the population of Rome. OK.

Daisy - 18.2 kilograms, but it
didn't make up from the distance,

she was very close.
Very, very close.

I mean, the only thing of merit
in the whole task yet again

was her use of the word "Fuck".

Er, Daisy, the population
of Bucharest - just 1.8 million.

You're in last place at the moment,
you were very close to the machine.

It's the end of part one.
You've just got time

to reflect on the bad decisions
you've made in life

before we come back to distract you.
Off you pop.

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster
where our cast were using

a Christmas-tree bagging machine
way out of season.

Yes, so it was nice and affordable.
It's Katherine and Johnny now.

Is it mad to suggest myself?

Biggest thing.
Biggest thing, biggest thing.

Oh, sugar and spice.

What have you got there, Johnny?
Well, I've got a table.

Ow!

I will probably be... be heavier
than the... cow.

You think you're heavier
than that cow?

The cow's hollow and I'm not.

Can I go out the gate?
Why do you want to go out the gate?

Because I was thinking
of hitting someone over the head

and putting them in there.

Practically, I think
I'd be easier to bag.

Yeah, I think there's a few problems
with the cow.

How much time, Alex?

11 minutes!

Please, please, please, come here.

Could you do me a massive favour?
I've got to win a task.

Would you let me wrap you
like a Christmas tree? Please!

I've got to be at work at 12.
No, you'll be there by 12.
It'll take one minute.

Maybe lift up the blanket
because I'll be lying on that.

Right, so if you just climb in
and I'll attach things to you.

I'm in.
If anyone asks, you're a robot.

Ready? Yeah.

OK? Sure.

Are you ready? Yeah, right.
The launch begins.

God. Oh, it's quite nice.

All right? Mm. Can you avoid that
bit? Yeah, I'll watch that bump.

I'm going to find something else
that I can attach
to your shoelaces. OK.

I seem to remember you telling me
that you played the banjo!

You say when to...
I haven't got a plan.

I'm going to just see when we get
there. Well, we're nearly there.

Right.

You might be late for work!

Just think this through. Right.

No, I...
Shall I put you down? Yeah.

You're definitely OK
with microwaves? Sure.

You're not fully through yet.

40 seconds left, Johnny.
Right. Ready? Yep.

Go!

And... I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming!

Right.

And just rela... Hang on.

You may want to wiggle yourself.

I can't!

I just suddenly had a moment
of wondering what I was doing.

We done?

OK, I'll just sort of flip out,
yeah? OK.

Little bit more.

OK, I'll measure that distance
and can I get a weight?

I am... 22 stone.

22. Thereabouts, yeah.

Same as Greg. And four pounds.

Thank you very much, Katherine.
Thank you.

Wow. OK.

Erm, confounded our expectations

that Katherine and I
are exactly the same weight.

I wasn't... She's definitely
shorter than you.

I genuinely am 22 stone.
She must be very dense.

Very dense. Heavy boned. She started
33 metres away from the machine.

Was it all one movement,
do you think, Greg?

Did she touch the floor?

Did not touch the floor between the
launch and the mounting and the...

..penetration. Oh, for God's sake.

I mean, it's going to be massive,
this score, isn't it?

Well, if we're including 33 metres
and 22 stones,...

Which we are.
..then it's the population
of Tokyo and Bangkok combined -

it's Toky-kok. It's 47 million.

It's a big one. Well done.

Erm, Johnny, there was a bit
when you'd convinced that man to...

Matthew. You'd convinced Matthew
to come in. And the worst of it is

that when he got to work
and explained why he was late,

he would definitely
have been signed off sick.

"Johnny Vegas put me through
a Christmas-tree machine."

"He's been under a lot of pressure,
this... this poor guy."

Getting me in didn't take that long,
but getting him out took a while.

This score's going to be...
So he started the bagging process
from the gate?

Yeah. Yeah... That's the distance
where the object came from.

He brought the object from the gate.
I don't think you can count,

like, the distance it travels
before you start throwing it.

So where are you saying
that Matthew was thrown from?

I'm saying he was thrown
from the... zero metres.

I mean, he's got a good point.

I think we'll take it, erm,
from ten centimetres away,

but we'll count all of the objects
that went through with him.

In which case, he gets a score
of one million and comes last.

OK. What?!
Because it was only ten centimetres.

Why were you so easily swayed
by the "Uh, uh, he didn't..."

- It's me or Vegas.
- Well, OK, and what
would've happened to him

if I'd've thrown him?

That's why you couldn't...
Because otherwise, you could say,

"I'll go and get a 5,000-ton weight

"and get some people to carry me,
put it in a wheelbarrow..."

No, I'm standing by it. It's fair.
I'm officially sulking. OK.

How long will that last for? Pff...

Nah, seconds.

Shut up!

Come on, let's have some scores.
Well, the scores are, then -

Johnny gets one point, Daisy
gets two points, Mawaan three,

Richard four, but Katherine,
with her 47 million,

gets five points. I'm so pleased!
Yes, please.

Right, quick scoreboard. Do you want
to hear the series scores so far?

Yes. Well, Mawaan has crept
into last place with 55.

Oh, Mawaan.
Katherine no longer last with 56.

Johnny 63, Richard 68,
Daisy still in the lead with 71.

Somehow.

And today the scoreboard
is very satisfying for me.

We've got three people
on four points and two on nine.

It's Katherine and Richard
in the lead with nine points.

Another one! OK, another task.
Here we go.

Ohh, hio. Oh, hi, Alex.

Hey, Alex. Welcome to the garage.

Gorgeous.

No doubt what lies in this envelope
will put me off

porcelain for life.

"Paint a picture of a howling wolf
on this teapot."

"You may not touch the teapot
or remove it from the turntable

"and you may not tamper
with the turntable or its power."

"The turntable will..."

Oh. You mispronounced a word there.

"The turntable will keep speeding up

"until you have named
20 American states."

Oh, you're joking.

It's not a strength.

"If you do name 20 American states,
this turntable will slow down."

"You have ten minutes."

I'm not reading it because... I know
what happens when I read it!

You have to read it, that's the
one rule. "Your time starts now."

Erm...

Lovely. Hm.
We all get it. Let's start.

Let's just start
with Richard and Mawaan.

"Your time starts now." Arkansas,

er... Is that how you pronounce it?

California. I don't know. Arkan-saw?

Erm, Alaska.

Erm...

Oh, shit, man,
I'm so bad at multitasking.

Vermont, is that one? Er...
Yes, I'll give you Vermont.

Er, South something.

Massas-chusetts.
Say that one one more time.

Massachusetts.

New York. I used to be able to do
all of these in alphabetical order.

Er, Hellinois, Dellinois...
Illinois!

South Dakota, North Dakota. Yes.

I know more than I thought.
How many did you think you knew?

New York, LA.
That's two, write that down.

Florida. Ooh, yep.
Er, New Mexico. New Hampshire.

You haven't named the main one yet.
What's the main one?

Detroit?

No, I can't give you that.
Wh... Er, Detroit is one.

Cor, it's harder than you think.
A... Alaska, Hawaii.

Chicago. Erm, West Philadelphia,
born and raised.

Philadelphia?

Er... Is that a new jersey?
No, it's the same as usual.

New Jersey. OK.

I got a new jersey.
You're distracting me and I can
see through it. OK. Sorry, sorry.

Oh, Illinois. Er...

Indiana, Arizona.
Oh, Washington's up there.

Hawaii. Texas.

Why have you crossed it out?

Er, Oklahoma City, Dallas.
Salt Lake City's in Utah.

Erm...

Where's Disneyland? Paris.

Ha!

One left. Still haven't said
the main one. Maine!

South Carolina.

That too you three minutes. Not bad.
OK.

It will gradually slow down now.
What does a wolf look like?

Look at that, see,
that looks like a wolf, doesn't it?

On the other side, I was going
to draw Wolf from Gladiators.

I'm happy with that. Stopping there?
Yep. Don't blame you.

I'm done. Less is more, innit?

Very good.

Did you put Wolf on?
Yeah, I did Wolf on the other side.

Lovely dated reference, er, there.

Do you know who Wolf
from Gladiators is? No.

I'm not... I'm not at all...
Of course you don't.

He's a pensioner.

Mawa... Mawaan...

Some far more up-to-date references
from you.

The old Fresh Prince.

That's what the kids
are all into now, innit?!

You want to see someone else
painting?

Yeah. We're now going to look at
Daisy and Johnny

and Katherine painting. Let's do it.

Right, I'm just going to paint it
because I won't be able to name
20 American states,

I'm pretty sure. You don't want
to name the main state? Erm...

Which is obviously,...

..erm, Florida.

OK.

Arkansas.

Erm, er, California. California.
Good.

Texas. Texas.

Oh, what's the really cold one?

My wife knows. Could you ring her?
Yeah, I'll ask 'er.

Erm...

Er,...Wisconsin.

Venezuela!

I can't give you Venezuela, Johnny.
OK.

Erm, Washington.

New York. Correct.

OK. New York.

I like your jumper.
Is it a jumper? A jacket?

It's a velvet jacket.

I got a new jersey for Christmas.

Oh.

Jersey.

What sort of Jersey?

I want to say "Royal"!

Not Royal Jersey, no.
Jer... Jer... Jersey...

New Jersey! Correct.

It just looks like that cat
that shits in me yard every night.

Mississippi.

Mississippi! Correct.

Er, Kentucky. OK.

Alabama. Boston.

No.

I'd a whole, er, pizza for lunch.

The whole thing? Mm-hm.

Ohio.

Ohio. Oh!
That's a state, isn't it? Lovely.

Oh! See, I actually think
it's better because it's moving.

Where's Yellowstone Park?

Nevada!

Montana. Virginia.

Woh... Er... Woh...

Oh, God, I've added another ear
in a moment of panic.

Ahhh...

Kansas! Yes.

Ha-haa!

And I think I'm finished.

Quick, quick, quick... Ohh.

I think about five minutes ago,
it was better,

but that's fine.

It's probably some of the best work
I've ever done.

You see, Katherine's
so locked into the banter

that you crazy cats
have together now,

even when you're dropping a hint,
she'll just run with it

and say,
"Yes, it's a velvet jacket."

Johnny and Daisy, it's the most
poised I've seen both of you.

Yeah. And Daisy was very close,
got to 18...

Ooh! That's very good.

So you've got to judge them.
We'll put them all up as one.

This is Daisy's wolf.

Ha! Can you see, it's howling
at the moon. Yeah, that's not bad.

And it's a dark night
so we know it's the moon.

I did some decoration on the top,
but that might be a nosebleed

that... that the wolf's got.

Er, Johnny's. The wolf on the right
and, er, he said,

on the left, "It's a squirrel
who scratched his own eyes out."

Right. I think, on the right,
it looks like a grizzly bear.

I think it's a good grizzly bear.
I remember more detail with the eyes

and the bloodied mouth.

For an artist,
it's certainly disappointing.

Shall we have a look at Katherine's?
Yes, please.

Right. See the word "howl".
That, to me, looks like
what depression looks like.

Oh, the old howling wolf.
Yeah. A howl and a dark, dark cloud.

Well, that's a shame. Next.

Mawaan. Oh, Jesus. That's lovely.
Who's is this? Mine? Wow.

Looks like the thing
from Stranger Things. I mean,
it looks like a creature at least.

And then finally we see a wolf
and THE Wolf on Richard's one.

Definitely Wolf from Gladiators.
Not bad, is it?

And he's howling.

Waahh!

Oh, man. In last place,
it's the dark cloud of depression.

It's Katherine.
Katherine gets one point.

That's right. Two points -

Mawaan. Mawaan gets two
for the... large blob.

The trained artist and drawer of
bears. Johnny gets three points.

Three points to Johnny. Third place.
Daisy or Richard for five points?

I'm going to give them both
five points. For the first time!

Five points to Daisy and Richard.
They don't deserve it. They don't...

OK, it's time for Alex
to salute the end of part two

whilst doing a sexy hula dance!

Is this sexy enough? Yeah.

There we go.

Hello again.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Time for a new task, I should say.

Yes, I should say too

and this one is a homework task.

Hello. Johnny.

Alex. Alex Horne.

The task is in your pigeonhole. OK.

Do you know where your pigeonhole
is? No, no-one's told me.

Oh, this thing that says "Mawaan"
on it? Yeah.

Ooh.

"Do something out of character
with this £20."

I'm deciding...

"Most out-of-character thing wins."

I won't tell you
what's just come to my mind.

"You have three months.
Your time starts now."

Three months?

But what would be in character
for you, Daisy?

Er,...vaping.

Or...

..ghost hunting.

I thought of drugs. Drugs.

But I'm not going to do that. What
sort of drugs? Well, I don't know.

Poopers. What are they called?

Ploppers. What are they called?!

Poopers. Poppers.
Are you talking about...

Are you talking about the drugs or
the people that provide the drugs?
I don't know!

Ahh... Right. So it's most
out-of-character thing.

They had £20...
It's difficult for me.

I'm going to have to judge it
on how well I know them
from this experience. Yes, you are.

Do you want to see what Johnny
sent us? Yes, please.

This is how he spent his £20.

I mean, I've been meaning
to shave...

OK. Brace support.

Arghh! It's all right.

Nice and tight. Fff...

I can see... Aiii! Aiingg!

Zz... Oww!

Wow. Yeah.

Was that it? That's all you got?
You got a "T" on your chest?

Not just a "T". No...
A "TM", as you can see here.

I got Taskmaster. Yep.
And what about the armpits?

Yeah, the armpits
was completely unnecessary.

Here's the thing though.
If someone said to me,

"You know Johnny Vegas? He's, erm,

"he's had his armpit hair taken off

"and, er, "TM"
waxed into his chest",

this'd be my face.

Really? Yeah.

No, but visiting a beautician
or anything like that.

Good point. You're back in the game.
OK, Katherine now. Who's next?

Katherine now.
Katherine. Interesting.

So she took her £20 somewhere

and then took this photo
outside a bank.

I don't know why I'm doing
that position. And then,

after she went into the bank,
she looked like this.

She deposited the £20 in the bank.

I mean, that is exactly what I would
think you would do with £20.

Don't know me very well.
I clearly don't!

Because I imagine you are frugal
and you do look after the pennies.

I don't know how
I have given that impression.

Can I confirm you did definitely
deposit that money in the bank?

The truth is I didn't
put that £20 in the bank,

I spent it,
which I think confirms...

The out-of-character thing was lying
about putting it in the bank.

Oh, that's quite good. Ahh!

I'll... I'll mull on that.
OK, you mull on that. Yep.

Daisy May Cooper...

Hello... invested her £20 similarly
on a subscription.

It was Portable Restroom Operator.

And I tell you why
this is most out of character,

because I actually thought
about this one...

Yeah, normally you get out of bed
and fall into your kitchen,

whatever your hand lands on, right?
Yeah.

Is that out of character?
What, for her to buy a magazine...

I think that's quite impressive.
I can see you hanging out

by the Portaloo quite a lot
at a festival.

Absolutely not!

The big leap...
I can never be bothered to queue
for the fucking Portaloo.

I just piss where I stand!
Just shit yourse...

So that's completely
out of character.

I know that PRO magazine
have a policy of their cover model

is always just about to have a shit.

When you open the cover,
is there another picture
of him afterwards, going...

Very good. Who's next?
Richard. Yep.

Who paid a visit to a special
person, didn't you, Richard?
I did, yeah.

OK. Let's have a look.

So you're a man who likes to be
in control, Richard,... Yeah.

..and you see yourself
as very logical.

Can you see how I'm going to do
in the competition?

Can you work that out?
Let me see.

Well, you're going to be happy
with the result.

OK. I'm not sure
you're going to win,

but if you don't,
it's going to be close.

Well, I usually come second,
that's what usually happens
when I'm on these things.

So that sounds like it's going to be
business as usual.

I hope that's been interesting.
Yes, very interesting, thank you.

It was really lovely to meet you.
And you, Jenny, thank you very much.

Great. Good luck, darling.

You seemed to quite enjoy it though.

It's out of character,
it doesn't matter.

You can try something
out of character and discover

that you've entered a new beautiful
world of mysticism and tarot.

And why is it out of character?
Because I don't believe
in any of that bullshit.

And I wouldn't never make anyone...

All right. Finally, Mawaan Rizwan -
what did you do, Mawaan?

Well, it's a qualification

in how to deal with
aggressive people at work.

This is the gift voucher he got.
It's from the New Skills Academy.

"Pick any ten Lightning Skill
Lessons from the list below
for only £20."

"Save £470."

That is a big discount.

Completely true. Really?
Yeah. Well, let's try.

Do you want me to be aggressive?
Yeah, yeah, sure.

I hate your trainers. OK...

Ohh... Erm,

OK. Well, I'd just like to say, erm,

no, Greg. Er... Yes though.

"I am a valuable member
of this team."

"I am assertive, I am creative,
I am powerful, I am beautiful,

"I'm a sexy badass bitch."
I added that last bit myself.

Erm...

And I think the others would agree

that, erm,
we will not... stand for this.

That's £2 worth of course, that one.

I do feel a bit less aggressive.
All right.

Do you want to score it?
Right. I'm going to give Katherine

a generous... three points

because I thoroughly enjoyed,
erm, the fact

that's she's, er,
obviously spent a few raves

off her nut on the old poopers.

Three points to Katherine.
Yeah. In joint second place,

both getting four points,
I'm going to put...

..Johnny and...

..old Richard the psychic.

OK, waxing and tarot
both get four points. That's right.

And in the number-one slot,
it's the poo-obsessed Daisy

and the bad-boy-turned-good Mawaan.

The winners are Mawaan and Daisy!

Another task, please. Just like
a girl I went to school with,

this one's melon-y.

Oh, why does this fill me
with dread?

Hello, team. Hey, Alex.
Hi. Hi, Alex.

Does everyone like what they see?
I'm liking it.

Who's going to read this one?
Shall I do it? Yeah.

That was beautifully done,
by the way.

Oh, God!

"Eat the most watermelon."

"The watermelon must not
leave the lab."

"You must be wearing
a boiler suit and goggles
when you're eating the watermelon."

"You must stay on your platform
at all times."

"You must not feed yourself."

"You must only eat the watermelon
that is on your platform."

"You must not feed yourself.
You have four minutes."

"Your time starts now."
Shall we get dressed? Oh...

How long have we got? Four minutes.
Oh, God, that's going to be this.

I've got massive boots on!

Mm. Mmm.
Pretty straightforward -

they've got to feed each other
loads of watermelon. Yes.

One team was filmed before
social distancing and one the other.

First of all, we're going to see
Dickie and Daisy. The double Ds!

Oh, lovely crack.
Right, that's pretty good.

There's a big bit there.
I tell you what we could do.

I hold that to you... Yeah.
..and you hold that to me...

Mm...

Keep it down. Try not to spit
on the, erm, one I'm eating.

Let's try...

The moaning!

It's like the walking dead!

Whuughh... Arrr!

There's a nice bit there
that I can put on a plate for you.

How long have we got left?

You've got 50 seconds.
Oh, 50 seconds...

Sorry! I didn't get any on your bit!

I think that might just be
the easiest way to do it.

We've got ten seconds...

I don't want to eat any more...

Yep.

Strong. Very strong.

I mean, it's one of the worst things
I've ever seen in my life.

My God...

It was like Daisy
was consuming Richard.

Daisy did most of the consuming,
there's no doubt about that.

He didn't really eat anything.

He was just kind of watching me,

which makes me think
you were turned on by it.

I mean, they got the job done.
The watermelon originally weighed
8.6 kilograms. Right.

There was only 7.6 left in the room
and some of that had been downed,

so they ate at least one kilogram,

which is a whole pineapple
or a toaster in four minutes.

Listen, you can stay and watch
the last part of this show

after these adverts, but then
I want you to brush your teeth

and go straight to bed, OK? And no,

it isn't a good idea to have
a bowl of cereal this late!

Hello! It's the last part
of the show

and we're right in the thick
of a watermelon task.

Daisy and Richard got intimate.
Now, complete with lengthy grabbers,

it's the dynamic trio.

Right, so we've got to feed
each other.

Who's feeding who? If you feed me...

If I feed Mawaan his...
You pick up a piece of mine,

we all put it to our mouths
at the same time. OK.

Picking.
Getting a slice. Getting a slice.

Oh, it's heavy, you know.
Approaching your mouth, Johnny.

Approaching your mouth.
Are you ready? Ahh!

Mmm... Mmm...

Good. Good job.
Come on, Katherine, I'm hungry.

Sorry. I'm going to be shitting pips
for a week.

Ooh, my gosh, it's so heavy.

That's huge! Johnny, I can't eat
and do this at the same time.

You can, just trust me.

I've finished. Oh, that one's
going to fall. Oh, you took it...

Ehh...

Ah-haa!

Whaa...

Sorry. Right.

Right, right, right, no, no, this is
a good 'un and it's a little...

Arrr... Sorry.

You can do this.
You did that on purpose.

You can do it! Go on!

Right, right, right, come on.
The other side.

There's a really good piece here.
I'm just going to guide it in!

Good job.

Right, right, look at that.

Maa... Momm...

You've decimated your...
He's eaten so much of it.

I want Daddy's watermelon.

Did I just make it weird?

Thank you, team.

It says something that, in context,
that looked like tea at the Ritz.

By comparison to what
we've already seen!

That was three people
having a perfectly civilised meal.

Did they eat much? Well, they ate
the equivalent of a human heart

or 16 mice - they ate 331 grams.

OK. Arguably a lot harder for that
team. A lot harder for that team,

but there were three of them
to munch on melon,

so I'll give three points
to... to the distance feeders...

These three. Yeah. Yes.
And five full points

to the worst thing
I've ever seen on television.

Five points to Richard and Daisy!

Right, please head up to the stage
for the final task of the show!

What's happening here, then? Johnny
Vegas is going to read the task.

Here we go. "Say the most different
words without hesitating

"for more than two seconds."

"Any words already said
will not count."

"The person who says the fewest
words each round is eliminated."

"The person in last place
goes first."

You'll do this task one at a time,
whoever's standing
on the speaking circle.

You've got to say as many words
in a row as possible,

but in round one, they all
have to be three letters long.

And if you pause for more than two
seconds, that's the end of your go.

Mawaan is currently last,
so you're going to go first.

Mawaan, please come
to the speaking circle
and everyone else move round.

Good luck, Mawaan.
Three-letter words.

If you pause for more than
two seconds, that's the end.

Good luck.

Cat, hat, fat,

tat, lat, sat, bat,

w... ha... shat...

Very clever, using "lat".

Yeah, I just know shit. Which means
seven is the score to beat.

Please move round. Johnny,
come to the speaking circle.

If you get over seven,
you're through to round two.

Ant, mop, tea,

and...

That was more than two seconds.
Four.

Four. Four. Currently,
Johnny is in danger, Greg.

Yeah. Katherine,
come to the speaking circle.

See, I think... I think
you're going to be good at this.

You'd be wrong.

Was, vat, van,

nip, nit,...

..are, our,...

..top, lop,

cop,...

..ran,...

..ba...

I can't give you "ba",
but that is 11.

Told you. She gets ruled out.
A lot of words for these guys.
You know me better than I thought.

Lovely work. Daisy,
come to the speaking circle.

Four or more. See if she knows words

the way she knows her way
around a melon.

Loo, poo,

wee, mar,

er, ram,

ska,

tar,...

..lar...

Ska as in S-K-A.

Ska the music? Yeah.
Seven, I think, from Daisy.

Daisy, you're through to round two.

Richard, please come
to the speaking circle.

It's the final player in round one,
Greg. Yeah. Richard Herring.

Think he's going to do well. He's
in the lead at the moment. Yeah.

Can he get more than four?
Good luck, Richard.

Zip, zap,

zoo, why,

dug, like - dig,

dog...

Richard is through to round two.
We've lost Johnny Vegas, I'm afraid.

Ahh. So, Johnny, do you mind
staying up here with us anyway?

Yeah, because I love to cry
in front of other people.

And if you just put one hand
over your mouth, that'll be great,
for the rest of the game.

OK, we're onto round two.
It's four-letter words.

Mawaan, please come
to the speaking circle

and everyone move round. I had
loads of three ones lined up.

It's four-letter words now. Good
luck, Mawaan. Your time starts...

Bear, care,

robe, zing,

can...'t,

leap-pigs...

You started saying, "leap",
but then you said, "leap-pigs"?

No, I said, "leap",
I started another word... "Pigs".

Mm.

No! No!

We saw your sneaky little
glance back then.

Oh, please, I never went to
university, I couldn't afford it.

We're stopping...

Can I just confirm, your "bear",
was that B-A-R-E or B-E-A-R?

B-E-A-R. Very important.
OK. He scored five.

Good luck, Katherine.
Four-letter words, starting...

Bare, look, book,

took, nook, rook,

dear, tear,

wear, fear,...

..leer, rear,

mere...

..peer...

Well, that's 14.
She's through to round three.

Daisy, if you get over five
four-letter words, you're through
to round three with Katherine.

Wank,

fuck, shit,...

..bums, tits, cock,

task, mask...

Nine. Daisy and Katherine are
definitely through to round three.

Can Richard join them? Richard,
come to the speaking circle.

There are no more swear words left
as far as I know.

Good luck.

Four, five, tour,

your, acre,...

..s... cat.

Stopped there on six. Greg,...
Yep... that gap

was two and a half seconds. Ooh.

Which means they've both got five...
They're both out, I'm afraid.

They're both out in joint third.

Ooh! No... And we have our two
finalists. Can't believe it.

Katherine and Daisy, please step
onto the golden circles of final.

Ohh... Two very different approaches
so far.

OK. So it's Katherine to go first.

Five-letter words.

Beard. Fanny.

Faded. Cocks.

Weird. Wanks.

Farted. Shits.

We cannot give you "farted".
It is six letters.

Unbelievable!

Unbelievable.

May Cooper crashes through!

No-one expected that!

Come back down,
we'll add all that up

and we'll see what
the final scores are!

Yep, so Johnny got one point there,

Mawaan and Richard
got three points each,

Katherine four, but Daisy
was the winner with five points

with all those lovely words.

And that does mean
she's now the series leader

by six points on 91.

But would you like to know who's won
this week's episode, Greg?

More than anything.
Well, with a score of 26,

he's pipped Daisy to the post.
It's Richard Herring!

Ohh!

Richard wins! Go and pick up
your pointy things!

Well done, Richard!

So what have we learnt today?
Fruit farmers - if you're struggling

following Brexit to find staff
to harvest your crops,

get Daisy May Cooper a subscription
to a toilet magazine

and she'll clear a field of melons
in ten minutes.

See you next time
for more fun times,

but right now,
here's tonight's winner again -

Richard Herring!