Tangled: The Series (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Fitzherbert P.I. - full transcript

Eugene sets out to find a role for himself in the castle and decides to be a royal guard, but to pass muster, he must overcome the Captain's preconceptions.

(theme song playing)

♪ I got the wind in my hair
and a fire within ♪

♪ 'Cause there's something beginning ♪

♪ I got a mystery to solve
and excitement to spare ♪

♪ Got a beautiful breeze
blowing through ♪

♪ I'm ready to follow it
who knows where ♪

♪ And I'll get there I swear ♪

♪ With the wind in my hair ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, guys, wait for it. How's this?

Hmm, too bohemian.



Ugh.

What about this?

(squeaks)

Way too uptight.

Mm-hmm?

Too...

Lighten up, Cass. It's just a painting.

It's more than a painting, Eugene.

This is the princess's royal portrait.

(scoffs) She's right.

I mean, every one of these
portraits says something

about what made that particular
king or queen unique.

It's tradition, and she's gotta
decide on her look soon.

The Giovanni gets here in two
days, and from what I hear,



that guy is as famous for his
temper as he is for his art.

Well, look at this guy. He's not doing
anything, and he seems pretty happy.

Whoa! Careful!
These paintings are priceless,

especially that one.

That's the only known
painting of Robin XI.

Wait. This kingdom had 11 Robins?

Nope. Just this dud.

Cassandra: They called him Robin XI

because the only thing interesting
about was that he had...

Nine, ten. Eleven fingers.

That's right.
I remember reading about him.

Listen, Raps, if you're trying
to find your defining activity,

don't listen to this dud

whose whole work history
is being a two-bit hood.

(laughing) Two-bit hood?

Hold the pastry!

I'll have you know, Cassandra,

Flynn Rider was a légende.

(laughs) Key word being "was."

And what is it you do now?

I, uh...

I do many things.

You know, important things.

So important,
you wouldn't understand them.

Sometimes, I don't even understand them.

Tell her, Blondie.

Hmm.

What?

(scoffs) Can you believe that Cassandra?

Two-bit hood? I mean, she acts like

the only things I've ever been good
at are lying, cheating, and stealing.

Which, in fairness, I am very good at.

All: Hmm.

So you guys agree with Cassandra?

No, no, no, no, no.

We don't...
(emphatically) agree with her.

We've simply arrived at a...

Well, um, nearly identical
assessment, is all.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I see how it is.

You know, I am capable

of being more than a handsome,
devil-may-care rogue.

In fact, I can be a handsome,
devil-may-care anything I want.

Maybe I'll just have
to find a way to prove it.

Boys, Eugene Fitzherbert
is gonna find his new calling.

All: Hmm.

Does no one in this kingdom
have an attention span?

Come on!

_

Well, you said bake the pie
at 300 degrees for an hour,

but I figured save time and do
600 degrees for a half hour.

Math!

Hey! Oh!

(wheels screech)

Thank you.

- Hyah!
- (woman exclaiming)

Record time!

(groaning)

Hyah!

But this isn't my house.

Impressive cobblering.

Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute!

Now I know where I know you.

You stole a crate of boots once.

(grunts)

Does this mean I'm getting the boot?

No, it means you're getting fired.

(croaking)

(yawns)

- (door slams)
- (exclaiming)

Who knew having a job would
be so much work? (sighs)

I mean, what with all those
rules and responsibilities.

You should have heard some
of these guys I worked for.

It's like, "Hey, buddy,
who died and made you boss?"

(sighs)

Maybe Cassandra was right.

Ugh! Just saying those four words sent
bile into my mouth, down the throat...

Oh, that... (shudders) Yuck!

But it's true. Maybe the only
thing I was meant to be was a...

Woman: Thief! Stop! Thief!

I know where he's headed.

I know where he's headed!

Guys, he's headed for the dock.

We'll handle this, Rider.

And besides, he ran in the
opposite direction, genius!

No one calls me genius
and gets away with it!

(grunts)

(scoffs) Amateur.

Rider, what are you doing here?

Well, Captain, I don't wanna say
I just did your job for you,

but I just did your job for you.

It was the old distract-and-run-to-
the-dock-to-catch-the-last-ferry tactic.

I know because I invented it.

Nice hustle, though. Keep your chin up.

I don't believe it.

Flynn Rider on the side
of law and order.

You're gonna become a Royal Guard?

It makes total sense, right?

I tried to have a normal job,

but I'm just not great with authority.

Being a guard, I am the authority.

Plus, I'd look great in a uniform.

What's all this?

(sighs) I was having a lot of trouble
picking just one interest for my portrait,

and then, it hit me.

I'll pose doing all of them, right?

What do you think?

Hmm.

- Pascal?
- (croaks)

Maybe not your best idea,

but, but I've heard worse.

Like you becoming a Royal Guard?

(stammers) How long have
you been standing there?

Long enough to know you're about
to make a fool of yourself.

You really think you have
what it takes to be a guard?

Hmm, let me think.

Superior athletic ability,

razor-sharp acumen, impressive stature,

making guards all around the
world, including Corona,

look like bozos for decades.

Yeah, I think I can swing it.

You wanna know what I think?

That I care what you think?

(laughing) Let me save you the trouble.
I don't.

I bet you don't even make it
through basic training.

(scoffs) Training?

What, like school?
I was great in school.

Easiest three days of my life.

Who's the teacher anyway?

Cassandra: My dad.

All right, maggots, line up!

(growls)

This boot camp will push you
to your very limits.

By the time I'm through,

you'll be sweating tears
and crying sweat.

But if you make it through camp
and pass the final exam...

(yawns, smacks lips)

(laughs) And for some of you,

that's a highly unlikely if,

you will receive
probationary trainee status.

Shorty, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry. Is this the
line for the men's room?

Well, well, looks like I got
a couple of aces in the mix.

Captain, sir,

I know we've had our differences,
but I'd just like to say...

Quiet, maggot!

You are a loathsome, pathetic
excuse for a human being,

and it is my full intention to
make your life a living nightmare.

You know, I've never
said this to another man,

but you have handsome teeth.

(whistle trills)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(bird screeching)

(whistle trills)

(grunting)

(nickers)

Whoa!

(laughing)

Crossbow procedure number one, Rider.

Always keep the safety on.

(nickering)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(straining) Come on. Not fair.

(exclaiming)

(guards laughing)

Rapunzel: All right, Pascal,
I think this is everything.

Okay, we're gonna be more than ready

for The Giovanni tomorrow morning.

(sighs deeply)

(gasps) Oops!

(exclaims)

Darling, is everything okay?

(laughs) Let me guess. Your portrait?

Let me show you something.

Oh! (giggling)

Sorry. Mom, come on. It's just...

(sighs)

Horrible? Yes, horrible.
It's horrible. (laughs)

My point is, we're not always defined
by the things we can do, Rapunzel,

but rather by the people we are.

That's what your portrait
should communicate.

(chitters)

(laughs) I know. I know.

Don't be so smug, Pascal.

Cassandra: Ready to give up?

(laughs wryly) Oh, you'd
love that, wouldn't you?

Honestly, I don't care.

Look, it doesn't matter anyway, okay?

No matter how hard I try
on that final tomorrow,

your dad will cook up some cheap
shot to make sure I fail.

He wants me out, end of story.

You know, for someone who spent

most of his life breaking the
rules to get what he wants,

you're having an awful lot of
trouble dealing with someone

who is breaking the rules
to get what he wants.

(snoring)

(sighs exasperatedly) Where is Eugene?

The rules are simple.

Obstacle course.

Whistle.

Complete the course
before the whistle blows.

Is that clear?

Actually, sir, can you
go through that one more time?

It's just my brain is so used to
tuning your voice out that I...

Line up, Rider.

I can't believe you made it this far.

But I'm glad you did.

Because I made this course
especially difficult

just... for... you.

I'm touched.

Get off me!

Go!

(snoring)

(Shorty snores, grunts)

(exclaims)

(growls)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(exclaims triumphantly)

(panting)

(chuckling)

Hup! Ho!

(exclaims)

Huh?

Almost forgot something.

(snoring)

Someone had to make this challenging.

(sniffs)

Oh. You never did find that
men's room, did you, Shorty?

Ha! You lose!

(laughing)

- Where's my...
- (whistle trilling)

Complete the course
before the whistle blows, right?

Look at that. I can follow rules.

I'll take a medium uniform,
sir, athletic fit.

(cheering)

(whinnies)

Hey, Pete, look alive.

This must be the guy. Look at him.

Mister, uh, The Giovanni.

The John-a-vanni... Johnny-Johnny.

Johnny, welcome!

Corona is happy to have you.

Yeah, well, at least someone is happy.

Now, where's Princess come si chiama?

Uh, she'll be here shortly.

The Giovanni, he don't like to wait.

Now, leave me here.

Ah. Maybe The Giovanni,
he learn something...

by studying how not to paint.

Hey! Nice!

Reporting for duty, Cap.

What do you got, huh? (chuckles)

Bad guys to be nabbed?

Mysteries to be solved?

I'm ready for anything.

(mice squeaking)

Dungeon duty. Great.

This is your post.

That main entrance is to
remain locked at all times.

You are to patrol this entire
block every five minutes.

Do you understand?

There's only one prisoner?

Do you understand?

Yeah, but I just thought,
you know, given my skill set,

it would make more sense for
me to be running and jumping.

You're not being paid to think, Rider.

Every five minutes.

Hey. It's about time!

Sorry, The Giovanni, I was, um...

The Giovanni, he doesn't care!

Now, how you wanna look?

Oh, um, I thought that I would
keep it simple. (chuckles)

Huh? She gonna pose with nothing?

(exclaims in Italian)

Don't blame The Giovanni when
the painting, she's no good.

Oh. Okay.

I definitely won't.

Hmm.

The Giovanni. Can I call you The?
You're the best.

Hey, Blondie, I see you went
with the simple choice of beautiful.

Aw! Thank you.

At least someone thinks so.

Wait. What are you doing here?
Cass said you had dungeon duty.

Oh, I do.

The Cap told me to walk the
block once every five minutes,

but it just seemed
like a waste standing there.

So, I walked it twice in a row,

and now, I can take a 10-minute break.

Math.

Yeah, uh, I don't think that's right.

Oh, no, no, trust me, Blondie.

I worked it all out in the old brainium.

(grumbling) You go now!
(exclaiming in Italian)

What did you say?

(speaking in Italian)

I can no concentrate.

Captain: Rider, where are you?

Eugene: He escaped?

How?

Apparently, someone
didn't follow regulation

and left the main door unlocked,

so they could go
to visit their girlfriend.

Gah! Math!

And because of your delinquency,

the prisoner was able to seize the
opportunity to pick his cell lock

and escape!

Uh, I know this looks bad.

You bet it does.

Turn in your helmet and shield, hotshot.

You're off the Guard.

Aw, I should have just done
what I was asked. So stupid!

(sniffing)

Why don't you drown
your sorrows in a yam?

Uh, thanks, buddy,
but I filled up on yams earlier.

Who wants to be a guard anyway?

Right? All those
responsibilities and rules.

Plus, the Captain is a total...

Whoa!

So sorry, the Giovanni. Let me help.

Ugh! (grumbles)

(speaking in Italian)

Watch where you're going.

Something smells fishy.

That would be me.

Hey, Blondie.

Portrait is done already. That's great.

That was quick.

How did it turn out? Holy horribleness!

I don't know. I don't get it.
It's just... Mmm.

Really bad.

Right?

Yeah, I'd say. That is really terrible.

Some world-famous artist!
I could do a better...

(gasps) I gotta go see the captain.

Look, Cap, I know
I'm not on your good side,

but the portrait
of Robin XI has been stolen.

No, it hasn't.

You wanna know why it hasn't?

Because my men can adhere to procedures.

Procedure dictates that the gallery
be patrolled every five minutes.

Stan? Pete?

Um, sorry, Eugene.

We just checked two seconds
before you arrived.

Everything was fine.

But it's a counterfeit!

Enough! Get lost before I lock you up.

Come on, Shorty. We're just gonna
have to stop him on our own.

Not totally on your own.

Cassandra? You believe me?

You may be an arrogant,
self-centered, inconsiderate...

Poorly-dressed.

...bloviating, tremendous
waste of space windbag...

Okay, okay, can we just cut
to the "but" in this sentence?

But I'm guessing you didn't become
a legend by not trusting your gut.

So if you say something is not right,

(reluctantly) I might believe it.

Cass, I...

Plus, if you are wrong
and fall flat on your face,

I'll be the first to see it.

I can work with that. Okay.

Come on. I think
I know where he's headed.

Uh...

Wait. What are we doing again?

Sir, we found this nut
by the palace gate.

- You want us to lock him up?
- (muffled shouting)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Slow down. Who are you?

(shouting in Italian)

I am the real The Giovanni.

(Giovanni shouting in Italian)

Ten fingers.

- Captain, that means Eugene was...
- Don't you dare finish that sentence.

Now, come on.

He's gonna try to catch
the last ferry out of Corona.

Hyah!

(whinnying)

(exclaiming)

I'm sure that my beard
can be used as a float...

I got it.

It's just you and me, Max.

(grunting)

Arrivederci, baby.

It means "goodbye."

Huh?

Crossbow procedure number one.

Always keep the safety on.

(whinnying)

On it.

Yeah, baby!

Huh. Actually saved by one
of the Captain's dumb rules.

Don't you dare tell him.

The last thing I want is to
see the guy get a big head.

(whinnying angrily)

See, I knew something was up
when he cursed me out.

His Italian was terrible.

(laughing) Subject-verb
agreement was way off.

What? I speak Italian.

They have stuff to steal
in Italy, too, you know.

Anyway, the rest was just
putting the pieces together.

You see, you gotta think like a
crook in order to catch one.

You just can't teach that, Cap.

Perhaps I acted precipitously
when I dismissed you, Rider.

Ah, let me guess.

You want me to join the Guard again.

Well, I'm flattered, but...

(laughing) Oh, no. Heavens, no!

You're a terrible guard, Rider.

But I do have something else in mind.

Ahem.

Good afternoon, gentlemen,

and welcome to Thinking Like a Thief.

I am your instructor,
Eugene Fitzherbert.

You may call me Mr. Fitzherbert.

No. Wait. Professor Fitzherbert.

Let's add an "honorable" in there.

The Honorable Professor Fitzherbert.

Esquire.

Masks on.

(gasps) Take the women and children!
Don't hurt the money!

- (screaming)
- Shorty, wait. Shorty, it's me.

Eugene: Come back!

Wow! My dad has no idea
what he just unleashed.

Meh, all is well
that ends well, I guess.

Now, are you sure you didn't want the
real Giovanni to paint your portrait?

Yeah.

I had a better idea of how I wanted it.

See, a wise person once told me,

we're not always defined
by the things we can do,

but rather by the people we are

and by those we love.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

(theme song playing)

♪ Now I got my eyes opening wider ♪

♪ My heart burning like fire ♪

♪ Feels like I'm so alive ♪

♪ I'm never going back ♪

♪ Whatever I want now I'm gonna chase ♪

♪ Who I am I can't contain ♪

♪ I'm not gonna hold it in ♪

♪ There's more of me to give ♪

- ♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ There's more of me to give ♪