Tales from the Darkside (1983–1988): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Yattering and Jack - full transcript
Happy-go-lucky salesman Jack Polo receives a yuletide visit from the 3.5-foot-tall Yattering, a snarling horned demon that wants to claim Jack's soul.
Well, house like this,
you've got to expect
the foundation to settle a bit.
Just going to have
to do something
about that one of these days.
Oh, dear.
What a mess.
Must be those damn raccoons
again, huh?
l'm going to have to put a
screen on top of that chimney.
Really going to have
to shore up the foundations.
Oh, well.
Que ser? ser?.
Damn.
Boiled fish again.
Well... have to replace
that thermostat, that's all.
Well, if it isn't one thing,
it's another, hmm?
Oh, that's convenient!
l've been meaning to rearrange
these books, anyway.
Let's see.
How should l rearrange them?
By author?
No.
By title, hmm?
Maybe by color, huh?
No.
Amanda.
Oh...!
Damn.
Dad!
Merry Christmas.
Amanda, you're supposed to be
spending Christmas
with your mother.
What's the matter?
Aren't you glad to see me?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yes.
Of course. Delighted.
-lt's just that...
-Just what?
lt's just that l'm surprised
to see you-- that's all.
Look, l've been having
a difficult time lately.
Everything is so...
unpredictable.
Well, l couldn't stand the idea
of you spending Christmas
all alone.
Well, l'm not really alone.
l mean, l-l mean,
l don't mind really being alone.
l was beginning to think
you didn't want me here.
Oh, honey, don't.
Don't ever say that.
So, smile.
You're allowed to smile.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
l did buy a turkey.
And l got the tree out,
and l decorated it.
You did the tree
all by yourself?
l got to see it.
Amanda! Amanda!
God, what happened?
Oh, oh, that?
Well, you know me.
You know how clumsy l am.
l'm always knocking
something over.
This isn't like you at all.
Well, it was just a couple
of accidents--
nothing to really worry about.
Dad!
lt's okay. lt's okay, baby.
lt's just the foundation
settling-- that's all.
Dad, there's something
seriously wrong here.
No.
No, l don't think so.
Listen, l got an idea.
Why don't l make you a nice cup
of hot chocolate, huh?
Nothing cheerful as a cup
of hot chocolate, is there?
Come on.
Come.
Come on.
What was that?
What was that?
l told you.. it's nothing.
lt's just the house settling..
that's all.
No, no, it...
it sounded like some animal.
Look.
l told you.
Oh, oh, those.
Those are old marks, honey.
Ah, come on.
Let's have that cup
of hot chocolate,
and then we'll stuff the turkey.
Hey, l've got something
that l was going to...
l was going to deliver it
over to your mother's house.
Dad.
Go on, open it.
lt's Christmas Eve
or it will be soon.
Dad, they're beautiful.
They're not real, but the
jeweler says...
''Only an expert
can tell the difference.''
Oh.
Dad, l love you!
Hey, it's the carolers
from St. Anne's.
lt wouldn't be Christmas
without them, huh?
Come on.
Let's go to the front door
and sing with them.
Come on.
Okay.
Make them stop!
l'm losing my mind!
Lord Beelzebub, help me!
Hear my plea!
Beelzebub!
My Lord, you heard me.
We hear all suffering
in the depths, demon.
Every sigh.
Every tear.
Every complaint.
That's what makes it Hell.
l'm honored beyond all demons.
Don't be.
l just came up here
to shut you up.
All Hell is murky with the echo
of your yattering.
But my Lord, this... this man,
he's... he's some kind of saint.
l'll never snatch his soul.
He's not a saint.
He's a pickle salesman.
But he'll break,
like all the rest.
First, he'll admit
the presence of evil.
And then he'll lose faith in
the existence of good.
And next, he'll start
to question his fate
and ask, ''Why me?''
And finally, he'll curse God.
And then... he's mine.
Not this one.
l've tried everything.
l sent such lustful dreams
to his wife,
till one day he walked in on her
and his best friend.
And what did he do?
He said, ''Que ser? ser?.''
ltalian.
A charm against disappointment.
''What will be, will be.''
Then l put his cat
in the microwave.
My masterpiece.
Fur and cat brains
all over the kitchen walls.
You must try harder.
Let me touch him, just once.
Please.
No.
There are rules, demon.
Even for us.
A fingernail in the eye.
Did you learn nothing
at the academy?
Read it, Yattering.
''Treaty of Job.
6522 B.C.
''Rule one--
'Thou shalt not touch.'''
And the penalty, name it.
''To become a slave.''
Exactly so.
You have your instructions.
Break his pathetic
human heart.
Crush his sanity.
Drive him to suicide
any way you can.
But don't touch.
lt's impossible.
Do it, or suffer eternally
in his place.
Oh, no. Not that.
Please, it's not fair.
Don't fail.
Eternity is
a long, long, long...
long time.
No, no, don't leave me.
Make them stop!
Make them shut up!
Thank you.
That was lovely.
Oh, yeah, yes, that was
very, very nice, yes.
Something for the homeless?
Oh, yes, yes, of course,
of course.
We'll see you next year, huh?
Thank you.
What's that smell?
Like rotten eggs.
l imagine it's just the drains.
l'll have a plumber in
to see about them.
There's something
alive in there!
You see, Amanda,
it's probably just a raccoon.
lt's okay. lt's okay, honey.
See? lt stopped.
My God.
My fault.
l should have gotten
a frozen turkey.
l mean, this one is...
is too fresh.
Dad, this is no time for jokes.
l'm sure there's a rational
explanation for everything.
What, the foundation's settling?
Well, maybe Santa Claus
is playing tricks this year,
and he got Christmas mixed up
with Halloween.
You look pale.
Let me pour you a brandy.
Why can't you be serious?
This is happening now.
This is not some crazy story
someone's making up.
l am serious about the brandy.
Dad.
Look, Amanda,
the only possible explanation
is too preposterous for words.
You mean a poltergeist?
Yes, all that stuff.
Bogeymen, things that
bump in the night.
But we're a modern people.
We live in the 20th century.
We don't believe
in bogeymen, do we?
Dad, l know what l saw.
That turkey was... was alive.
And now it's on the tree.
There's something evil
in this place.
Whatever it is, we're just going
to have to live with it.
Que ser? ser?.
Don't say that!
You know, you're a lot
like your mother.
Don't say that either.
What do you want me to do--
call the police, or an exorcist?
Oh, maybe l should just
let whatever's going on
drive me stark raving bonkers.
Would you like to see that?
See the men in the white suits
come and cart me away?
Look, l'm doing the only thing
that l know how,
and that is to take life
as it comes.
And don't lose faith
that whatever it is,
it'll work out
for the best somehow.
And that's Jack Polo's
philosophy of life.
Now it may not be
the greatest philosophy,
but it's got me through
50 years,
and l'm going to stick with it.
Sorry.
l shouldn't have criticized you.
No, it's all right.
Children should criticize
their parents.
lt's a way of understanding
them, hmm?
Did you hear that?
Yes, yes, Amanda, l heard it.
Out! Out!
No! Not her!
You leave her alone!
Show yourself!
Show yourself!
Show yourself!
Show yourself, damn you!
Are you okay?
Yes, l'm perfectly all right.
ln fact, l think
l might take a walk.
Dad.
Do you care to join me, huh?
Huh?
Beelzebub.
You're about to fail.
But my lord, l'm so close.
Fool!
He's about to go
back to his wife.
What?
Back to an orgy
of forgiveness and compassion.
And you're wasting your time
tearing up Christmas presents.
l'll-l'll stop him.
Don't let him set foot
outside the door,
or you've lost him.
l want him damned!
l'll drop by.
And if your mom asks
me to stay, maybe l will.
That'd be great.
My God, we're locked in!
lt won't let us out!
l'll tell you what--
why don't we try the back door?
Baby, come on! l got it!
Damn!
Fooled by a mortal.
No!
Whoops.
Now, you see what you've done?
You've frightened my daughter.
Now don't you ever
do that again.
Hell and damnation.
You hold your tongue.
There's a lady present.
Now, come on, come on.
No tricks, you hear me?
Come on.
Look, look, look.
Look, look.
Look what you've done
to my place, huh?
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
What is that?
Oh, it's the thing they sent
to claim my soul.
He's a minor,
not terribly bright demon
called the Yattering,
l believe.
God, what do we do?
lt's now my slave,
isn't that right?
Yes.
Yes, what?
Yes, Mr. Polo.
But how?
Very good, very good.
He broke rule one.
Mustn't touch the damned
until they're damned.
So now he's mine.
How did you know?
Oh, didn't they tell you why
they wanted me damned so bad?
My mother was a witch.
Grandma?
Yes.
Now, you get busy
and tidy up the place.
And when you're done, you can
cook us a nice Christmas dinner.
Yes, master.
You know, they'll never
let you into Heaven
with a demon as a slave.
Oh, never mind that.
Get to work.
This place is an unholy mess.
lt's all right.
We're safe now.
Dad, isn't that true what he
just said about Heaven?
Possibly, yes.
But you know what
l always say...
What are you muttering
back there, Yat?
What is it that l always say?
Que ser? ser??
Right.
Dad...
That's what l always say.
Text By K.Sandberg
you've got to expect
the foundation to settle a bit.
Just going to have
to do something
about that one of these days.
Oh, dear.
What a mess.
Must be those damn raccoons
again, huh?
l'm going to have to put a
screen on top of that chimney.
Really going to have
to shore up the foundations.
Oh, well.
Que ser? ser?.
Damn.
Boiled fish again.
Well... have to replace
that thermostat, that's all.
Well, if it isn't one thing,
it's another, hmm?
Oh, that's convenient!
l've been meaning to rearrange
these books, anyway.
Let's see.
How should l rearrange them?
By author?
No.
By title, hmm?
Maybe by color, huh?
No.
Amanda.
Oh...!
Damn.
Dad!
Merry Christmas.
Amanda, you're supposed to be
spending Christmas
with your mother.
What's the matter?
Aren't you glad to see me?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yes.
Of course. Delighted.
-lt's just that...
-Just what?
lt's just that l'm surprised
to see you-- that's all.
Look, l've been having
a difficult time lately.
Everything is so...
unpredictable.
Well, l couldn't stand the idea
of you spending Christmas
all alone.
Well, l'm not really alone.
l mean, l-l mean,
l don't mind really being alone.
l was beginning to think
you didn't want me here.
Oh, honey, don't.
Don't ever say that.
So, smile.
You're allowed to smile.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
l did buy a turkey.
And l got the tree out,
and l decorated it.
You did the tree
all by yourself?
l got to see it.
Amanda! Amanda!
God, what happened?
Oh, oh, that?
Well, you know me.
You know how clumsy l am.
l'm always knocking
something over.
This isn't like you at all.
Well, it was just a couple
of accidents--
nothing to really worry about.
Dad!
lt's okay. lt's okay, baby.
lt's just the foundation
settling-- that's all.
Dad, there's something
seriously wrong here.
No.
No, l don't think so.
Listen, l got an idea.
Why don't l make you a nice cup
of hot chocolate, huh?
Nothing cheerful as a cup
of hot chocolate, is there?
Come on.
Come.
Come on.
What was that?
What was that?
l told you.. it's nothing.
lt's just the house settling..
that's all.
No, no, it...
it sounded like some animal.
Look.
l told you.
Oh, oh, those.
Those are old marks, honey.
Ah, come on.
Let's have that cup
of hot chocolate,
and then we'll stuff the turkey.
Hey, l've got something
that l was going to...
l was going to deliver it
over to your mother's house.
Dad.
Go on, open it.
lt's Christmas Eve
or it will be soon.
Dad, they're beautiful.
They're not real, but the
jeweler says...
''Only an expert
can tell the difference.''
Oh.
Dad, l love you!
Hey, it's the carolers
from St. Anne's.
lt wouldn't be Christmas
without them, huh?
Come on.
Let's go to the front door
and sing with them.
Come on.
Okay.
Make them stop!
l'm losing my mind!
Lord Beelzebub, help me!
Hear my plea!
Beelzebub!
My Lord, you heard me.
We hear all suffering
in the depths, demon.
Every sigh.
Every tear.
Every complaint.
That's what makes it Hell.
l'm honored beyond all demons.
Don't be.
l just came up here
to shut you up.
All Hell is murky with the echo
of your yattering.
But my Lord, this... this man,
he's... he's some kind of saint.
l'll never snatch his soul.
He's not a saint.
He's a pickle salesman.
But he'll break,
like all the rest.
First, he'll admit
the presence of evil.
And then he'll lose faith in
the existence of good.
And next, he'll start
to question his fate
and ask, ''Why me?''
And finally, he'll curse God.
And then... he's mine.
Not this one.
l've tried everything.
l sent such lustful dreams
to his wife,
till one day he walked in on her
and his best friend.
And what did he do?
He said, ''Que ser? ser?.''
ltalian.
A charm against disappointment.
''What will be, will be.''
Then l put his cat
in the microwave.
My masterpiece.
Fur and cat brains
all over the kitchen walls.
You must try harder.
Let me touch him, just once.
Please.
No.
There are rules, demon.
Even for us.
A fingernail in the eye.
Did you learn nothing
at the academy?
Read it, Yattering.
''Treaty of Job.
6522 B.C.
''Rule one--
'Thou shalt not touch.'''
And the penalty, name it.
''To become a slave.''
Exactly so.
You have your instructions.
Break his pathetic
human heart.
Crush his sanity.
Drive him to suicide
any way you can.
But don't touch.
lt's impossible.
Do it, or suffer eternally
in his place.
Oh, no. Not that.
Please, it's not fair.
Don't fail.
Eternity is
a long, long, long...
long time.
No, no, don't leave me.
Make them stop!
Make them shut up!
Thank you.
That was lovely.
Oh, yeah, yes, that was
very, very nice, yes.
Something for the homeless?
Oh, yes, yes, of course,
of course.
We'll see you next year, huh?
Thank you.
What's that smell?
Like rotten eggs.
l imagine it's just the drains.
l'll have a plumber in
to see about them.
There's something
alive in there!
You see, Amanda,
it's probably just a raccoon.
lt's okay. lt's okay, honey.
See? lt stopped.
My God.
My fault.
l should have gotten
a frozen turkey.
l mean, this one is...
is too fresh.
Dad, this is no time for jokes.
l'm sure there's a rational
explanation for everything.
What, the foundation's settling?
Well, maybe Santa Claus
is playing tricks this year,
and he got Christmas mixed up
with Halloween.
You look pale.
Let me pour you a brandy.
Why can't you be serious?
This is happening now.
This is not some crazy story
someone's making up.
l am serious about the brandy.
Dad.
Look, Amanda,
the only possible explanation
is too preposterous for words.
You mean a poltergeist?
Yes, all that stuff.
Bogeymen, things that
bump in the night.
But we're a modern people.
We live in the 20th century.
We don't believe
in bogeymen, do we?
Dad, l know what l saw.
That turkey was... was alive.
And now it's on the tree.
There's something evil
in this place.
Whatever it is, we're just going
to have to live with it.
Que ser? ser?.
Don't say that!
You know, you're a lot
like your mother.
Don't say that either.
What do you want me to do--
call the police, or an exorcist?
Oh, maybe l should just
let whatever's going on
drive me stark raving bonkers.
Would you like to see that?
See the men in the white suits
come and cart me away?
Look, l'm doing the only thing
that l know how,
and that is to take life
as it comes.
And don't lose faith
that whatever it is,
it'll work out
for the best somehow.
And that's Jack Polo's
philosophy of life.
Now it may not be
the greatest philosophy,
but it's got me through
50 years,
and l'm going to stick with it.
Sorry.
l shouldn't have criticized you.
No, it's all right.
Children should criticize
their parents.
lt's a way of understanding
them, hmm?
Did you hear that?
Yes, yes, Amanda, l heard it.
Out! Out!
No! Not her!
You leave her alone!
Show yourself!
Show yourself!
Show yourself!
Show yourself, damn you!
Are you okay?
Yes, l'm perfectly all right.
ln fact, l think
l might take a walk.
Dad.
Do you care to join me, huh?
Huh?
Beelzebub.
You're about to fail.
But my lord, l'm so close.
Fool!
He's about to go
back to his wife.
What?
Back to an orgy
of forgiveness and compassion.
And you're wasting your time
tearing up Christmas presents.
l'll-l'll stop him.
Don't let him set foot
outside the door,
or you've lost him.
l want him damned!
l'll drop by.
And if your mom asks
me to stay, maybe l will.
That'd be great.
My God, we're locked in!
lt won't let us out!
l'll tell you what--
why don't we try the back door?
Baby, come on! l got it!
Damn!
Fooled by a mortal.
No!
Whoops.
Now, you see what you've done?
You've frightened my daughter.
Now don't you ever
do that again.
Hell and damnation.
You hold your tongue.
There's a lady present.
Now, come on, come on.
No tricks, you hear me?
Come on.
Look, look, look.
Look, look.
Look what you've done
to my place, huh?
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
What is that?
Oh, it's the thing they sent
to claim my soul.
He's a minor,
not terribly bright demon
called the Yattering,
l believe.
God, what do we do?
lt's now my slave,
isn't that right?
Yes.
Yes, what?
Yes, Mr. Polo.
But how?
Very good, very good.
He broke rule one.
Mustn't touch the damned
until they're damned.
So now he's mine.
How did you know?
Oh, didn't they tell you why
they wanted me damned so bad?
My mother was a witch.
Grandma?
Yes.
Now, you get busy
and tidy up the place.
And when you're done, you can
cook us a nice Christmas dinner.
Yes, master.
You know, they'll never
let you into Heaven
with a demon as a slave.
Oh, never mind that.
Get to work.
This place is an unholy mess.
lt's all right.
We're safe now.
Dad, isn't that true what he
just said about Heaven?
Possibly, yes.
But you know what
l always say...
What are you muttering
back there, Yat?
What is it that l always say?
Que ser? ser??
Right.
Dad...
That's what l always say.
Text By K.Sandberg