Takin' Over the Asylum (1994–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Fool on the Hill - full transcript
(HANG ON SLOOPYPLAYING)
ISABEL: Fergus.
Fergus?
Have you seen Fergus?
He's just gone off wearing a helmet.
Helmet?
Yes!
Yes!
Fergus is wearing a helmet!
He is wearing a helmet!
Quick, everybody!
Fergus has just been spotted
wearing a helmet!
(BEEPING)
There he is!
There he is!
God!
Yes! He's gonna do it.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
(PATIENTS CHEERING)
What's going on?
Fergus MacKinnon is escaping again.
You mean, he's done this before?
# Hospital radio, St Jude's #
Hundreds of patients reported
seeing an unidentified man
flying from the roof of
North Wing this afternoon.
An unprecedented amount
of ECT was prescribed
before it was pointed out that
the flying man was none other
than our own Fergus MacKinnon,
hang gliding into town
to buy our new mixer.
We're still waiting for Fergus
to check in, but in the meantime,
here's a dedication from all of us
at the station
to flying Fergus MacKinnon.
(AIN'TNO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH PLAYING)
Where's your hang glider?
I took it back where it came from.
Dr Hollis wants to see you tomorrow
at 10:00, by the way.
- Who?
- Your consultant!
Oh.
PATIENT: (SINGING)
# Ain't no valley low enough
# Ain't no river wide enough
# To keep me from you
# Ain't no mountain high enough #
(ALL CHEERING)
Campbell, I've been looking
all over for you.
Fergus is back with a mixer
that he got in auction
for a fraction of what it's worth.
Come and have a look.
Maybe later.
This is a big moment, Campbell.
What are you doing out here?
I just got my post.
You got some bad news?
It's not what I got, Eddie,
it's what I didnae get.
I hope you're not expecting a message
from the blue men from Venus.
Not the blue men from Venus, Eddie,
the blue-suited bastards
from the radio stations.
Oh.
It's been days since
we did a publicity stunt.
I phoned Radio Scotland today,
and you know what I found?
The head of radio was on holiday.
His deputy was out to lunch at 2:30
in the afternoon!
The head of entertainment
was permanently on another line,
and his senior producer was in a meeting
all bloody day!
No wonder they've not been in touch.
Eddie, nobody in that building
actually does any work!
Campbell, how'd you not
just send them a demo?
That would be grovelling.
Then grovel!
Dr Hollis said just have a seat,
she'll be with you in a moment.
- Would you like a tea or coffee?
- No, thanks.
Do you always borrow books
without permission?
I'm not borrowing, I'm just looking.
Like you were just looking
at the hang glider yesterday?
No, I was definitely flying
the hang glider.
Please, sit down.
I'm Dr Hollis.
I don't think we've met.
Do you mind telling me exactly what
you thought you were doing yesterday?
I thought I was going to an auction.
It wasn't very clever, was it?
Your section's about to expire.
You could be out of here in three weeks.
I could be out of here this afternoon.
I understand escaping
is a bit of a hobby for you.
Wherever did you get
that hang glider anyway?
From a sports club in Partick.
- You stole it?
- Borrowed it.
I did an installation for them,
so they loaned it to me for a few days.
Installation?
Software. Their new DTP program.
How did you get it up onto the roof?
Up the stairs,
through the access in the store room.
The store room is a restricted area.
How did you get the key?
I pledged my kidneys.
If locks are no problem to you,
why the hang glider?
Why don't you just
walk out of the front door?
That wouldn't be much fun though,
would it?
Mr MacKinnon, I'm writing a paper
on the relationship between
schizophrenia and high intelligence.
I'd like to do a profile on you,
if I may.
I'd like to do some tests,
a personality inventory, an IQ test.
Would you be agreeable to that?
- I suppose.
- Good.
If I set it up for Thursday,
would that be all right?
You're planning to be here on Thursday?
I'll rearrange my schedule.
When I get the results,
I'd like to have another interview
with you before your discharge.
Discharge?
As I said, your section expires
in three weeks.
But I thought...
I don't see much point
in keeping you here.
Do you?
CAMPBELL: Dear sir or madam,
please find enclosed clippings
from last week's papers,
which, if you have bothered to read,
would have informed you
that two bright young talents
have emerged on the Glasgow radio scene.
Young?
I'm giving you this one last chance
to snap us up
before some other station does
and I'm sending you
a demo of a show
we did together recently.
I await your reply. Yours faithfully.
Campbell, you cannae send
a letter like that.
I'm sorry, Eddie,
but it's no more Mr Nice Guy.
You haven't tried
being polite to them yet.
I'm trying to
get their attention, Eddie.
Well, you'll get that.
Hello.
I just thought I'd pop in.
"Post open day", as it were.
Dr Winter's asked me to thank you all
on her behalf for a job well done.
So, this is it, eh?
It's bigger than I expected.
For a small but growing station.
I'll get you an electrician, shall I?
No, it's okay.
Fergus here is sorting us out.
Yes, but I think...
There's nothing to do after
I bring it up to spec except plug it in.
Still, we must have
a qualified person surely?
Fergus is qualified. He's a genius!
He's got a degree in electronics.
Away and get your degree, Fergus.
EVELYN: There's no need.
Look, I'm sorry,
but we cannot use this mixer
until it's been installed
by a qualified person.
Fergus is a qualified person.
Fergus is a patient!
I am responsible
for this station, Eddie.
Now, I will get you an electrician
as quickly as I can.
But in the meantime, I'm not going to
risk burning down the hospital!
Now, surely that is not unreasonable.
Now look what you've done.
I'll put the requisition in
this afternoon.
FRANCINE: Don't go!
You don't want to look stupid.
The ward's not locked today.
Nobody's a clear and present danger
to themselves or others, I suppose.
She's a cow, that Evelyn.
They'll letting me out of here
in three weeks.
- What about your section?
- Not renewing it.
The bastards! They always renew mine.
- Are you not looking forward to it?
- No.
You'll be all right, you know.
If I had half your talent, I'd get
myself the cushiest job going,
a company car, and end up that rich
I'd be eccentric instead of loony.
Maybe you will.
Not me. I'm a hardcore unemployable.
I don't mind. I'm very good at it,
and everybody's got to have something.
But you've got brains, Fergus.
- You've got an education.
- Aye.
And a big hole on my CV that says
I've been working for the blue men from
Venus for the past two-and-a-half years.
You cannae let them beat you, Fergus.
Evelyn's not the only one
out there, Francine.
- GRIFFIN: McKenna, what is this?
- Newspaper.
And that?
And that?
Three newspapers?
And what do these three newspapers
have in common?
- Don't know.
- Then guess, man. Guess!
They're all Scottish?
What these newspapers
have in common, McKenna,
is that they've all got
your mug in them.
Do you know how that makes me feel?
Not proud, I take it.
Proud?
I'd feel proud if there were
a picture of you, for example,
opening the biggest housing development
in Europe.
Complete with 6,000 Twinview Windows!
What does not make me proud
is you engaging in some ridiculous
antics in a mental institution.
It's Mental Health Week.
And what breaks my heart is that
MacAteer had to be the one to tell me.
MacAteer?
He and I had been discussing
your future, McKenna.
I'd been thinking of bringing you in
on the commercial side more.
The district council are asking
for another tender.
Big money this time!
But what am I supposed to make of this?
It's not like...
Loonies do not buy patio doors
and replacement windows, McKenna.
Now, how long has this radio business
being going on?
It's just a hobby.
Eight years, I suppose.
Why did you not mention it
when I interviewed you for the job, man?
It's only a couple of nights a week.
Well, you know what it says
in the Bible, don't you?
No.
Then guess, you moron.
What does it say in the Bible?
- It says a lot of things in the Bible.
- Then guess!
Love thy neighbour?
Never mind about your neighbours!
Tell them their timber's got wet rot,
and sell them some windows.
It says, "No man can serve two masters."
Now, this is a tough business.
And if we're going to take you on board
the commercial side,
you don't have a couple of nights
to spare.
You don't have a couple of minutes
to spare.
You live, you breathe, you eat
and you excrete windows.
Or the competition will serve
your bollocks to you with brown sauce.
Are you reading me?
Aye.
Good lad.
Now, there is a commercial sales meeting
Thursday week.
I want to bring you in and
give you this tender with the council,
but you tell your loony friends
the party is over.
I don't know if I can do that.
Then I don't know
if you can work for me.
Now, which is it going to be, McKenna?
(WHOOPING)
I've done it! I've done it!
ON RADIO: This is the fabulous Francine,
and tonight I'm bringing you music
from 1963...
the year Kennedy was assassinated
by a lone gunman.
It was also the year
my brother's front tooth
was turned into a sixpence
by the Tooth Fairy,
and Hamish in Ward 2 first saw reptiles
looking at him through the keyhole.
I did it! I did it!
(SHUSHING)
Well, if you've just heard
the commotion in the studio,
you'll want to know
that Campbell has done it.
We don't know what it is he's done, how,
when, and who's going to clean it up,
but stay tuned for Hospital News Time
after this.
Do you not check before you barge in?
I couldn't help myself, Eddie.
Radio Scotland have invited us
in for a chat.
Thursday at 12:30.
I'm telling you, Eddie.
If they buy us lunch, we're in.
You got this by writing that letter?
Well, I toned it down a wee bit.
And you should see
what I got to wear for the occasion.
Mr Cool Campbell.
Is it not absolutely brilliant?
I traded a pack of cigarettes for it.
What do you think, Fergus?
Aye, you look great.
What's up with him?
EDDIE: Maybe he's still annoyed
about the mixer.
Where is the mixer, anyway?
They locked it in the nurses' room
till they get the electrician in.
Orders of the Reichsfuhrer, no doubt.
That'll be it then.
I think it's more likely to be this.
- What's that?
- All the jobs he cannae have.
He's being discharged
in a couple of weeks.
He can have any of these.
He'd blow them away.
He's got no references
and no recent experience.
Sooner or later, they always find out,
you know?
Looks like he even got
an application form for one.
Nothing from 1991 till now.
Could he not just slip in
a new re-list of jobs?
How?
With a pen.
Aye, nobody is going to care
once they hire them.
April 1991 to May 1992,
Assistant Programmer with IBM.
Not just Assistant.
Aye, make him Programmer.
No, Senior Programmer!
And then, from April 1992
to February 1993...
Computer Hardware Consultant
with British Petroleum.
Perfect! And about time, too.
And then, February 1993 to the present.
Systems Analyst for Strathclyde
Regional Planning Department.
A diabolically clever career move.
You cannae put in all those jobs.
It'll look like he changes jobs
too often.
You're right.
I think a man of Fergus' calibre
would go straight for
the Systems Analyst job in 1991
and stick with it.
He's that kind of guy.
Brilliant but loyal.
He'd never get away with it though.
How not?
Because he'd need a reference
from his present employer
and a return address
that's not a loony bin.
Oh, aye.
CAMPBELL: Fergus!
Fergus, what are you sitting there for?
We've got letters to write,
forms to fill in.
You are a Systems Analyst
and you're getting an excellent
reference from your current employer.
Who's my current employer?
The Glasgow Area Manager of
Twinview Windows, Mr Edward McKenna.
Francine, what you doing out here?
The ward's not locked tonight.
And anyway, I'm allowed
to go walkabout now.
But it's freezing cold!
Here, take this.
That's the second time you've done that.
It's the kind of thing that
happens in Mills and Boon books.
Didn't know folk did it in real life.
- Are you not cold yourself now?
- Oh, no.
What's that?
Some pilchards for McTavish.
I thought he was too fat.
Aye, but he cannae help it.
I've been trying to get him to trust me.
I've been putting the dish a wee bit
closer to me every night, you see.
Last night, I stroked him.
And he let you?
Not really.
He scratched the hell out of me.
So he might not come back tonight.
It's great what you're doing for Fergus.
Do you not worry about losing your job?
All the time.
Good news about Radio Scotland though.
Don't think it'll come to anything.
Your show was great tonight.
You're doing really well, you know?
Aye, you'd hardly know
I was the same basket case
you met when I first came in here, eh?
You were never a basket case.
They've even offered me a half-day pass
next week, if I want it.
Don't suppose I'll bother.
Why not?
What would I do?
Go for drive with me somewhere.
In my vintage Allegro.
- Where to?
- Anywhere you want to go.
I want to go to Barbados.
Well, we could go to Jamaica Street.
(LAUGHING)
What do you say?
Aye.
Okay.
(FOLK MUSIC BLARING)
EDDIE: Grandma, what are you doing?
Grandma!
(SWITCHES OFF MUSIC)
What are you doing?
I am dancing and making soup!
Put the music on.
It's after midnight!
The neighbours will be on
at the council tomorrow.
All day they make noise
with their boom boomy boom.
How they complain?
Because they pay their rent on time.
What are you wearing that for?
I go to Lithuanian club tonight.
We dance, we sing...
You drink vodka?
We celebrate national day!
Grandma, I need to talk to you.
I've got some bad news.
Good! I also have bad news.
What is it?
I'm going to Lithuania.
Aye, well, it may take a bit of time
to get the dosh together.
- When are you thinking of going?
- November 21 st, 11:00.
Grandma, Lithuania is
a very cold country.
You cannae go on holiday to Lithuania
in November.
I don't go on holiday, Eddie.
I am going home.
To live?
Are you out of your mind?
You cannae just go back
after nearly 50 years.
Nearly 90 ?% percent of the folk you knew
are dead now.
90 ?% of the folk I knew
were dead in 1945!
How are you going to live?
Mrs Prackhauskas has relatives
in Mariampole.
They give me small room,
I give them hard currency.
I've talked to DSS.
They send my pension to Lithuania.
Only thing is, you must give me ?3,000.
What?
Grandma, I haven't got ?3,000.
I need travel money,
furniture and things.
And money to bribe people sometimes,
it's very poor country.
I want to die in my own country, Eddie.
It's time to go home now.
It's natural to go home.
I thought you wanted to see me married.
There's still time to
get special licence.
We find nice lassie for you next week.
I'm going to remember
everything about today, Eddie.
I'm going to remember
what I had for breakfast,
that song that's playing on the radio.
Just don't get your hopes up
too much, huh?
Eddie, I'm telling you.
If they buy us lunch, we're in.
Buy us lunch?
All the big deals
are clinched over lunch.
Like Dallas. You ever see
JR clinch a deal over coffee?
If JR offered you coffee, you were out.
If they offer us coffee, Eddie,
it's bad news.
Are you not excited?
Don't you want to
go into Twinview tomorrow
and tell them all to bugger off?
Aye, sure I would.
And I'm going to remember
that busker over there.
Hang in there, my man.
You'll be famous one day!
Come on!
And I'm going to remember that car.
And I'm going to remember those trees.
I'm going to remember going through this
door. I'm going to remember this carpet.
Edward McKenna and Campbell Bain
to see Paula Kinghorn, please.
And these awards!
Eddie, folk who worked in this building
got these awards.
You can go right up.
It's the fourth floor,
and Paula will meet you at the lift.
And I'm going to remember you.
You're wonderful. You're amazing.
Hi, Paula Kinghorn, Senior Producer,
Entertainment Department.
I'm so glad we could meet at last.
I remember reading about
your publicity stunt
with Spike Milligan in the papers.
And we were much impressed
with your demo.
Fiona, you couldn't get me a coffee,
could you?
Would you like a coffee?
CAMPBELL: I can't believe
she rushed us out of there like that.
She didnae. She had a lunch meeting.
That should have been
our lunch meeting, Eddie.
You don't want to keep this
as a memento, do you?
CAMPBELL: Well,
I'm not going to stand for it.
They're not going to treat us like this.
Like what?
They're interested, Campbell.
They're going to get us in to do a pilot
as soon as a slot comes up.
I'm sorry, but if that's the best
they can do, I'm going to Radio Clyde.
EDDIE: Campbell, Radio Clyde
aren't interested.
Aye, they are.
They just don't know it yet!
Campbell, maybe in the films
a guy can take a handful of his fragile,
wee dreams into the big white building
and they make him a star.
But in the real world,
you beat your head against
the brick wall until it's bloody.
And then, maybe,
one day, you look up
and you see just a wee crack in it.
There's a lot more of my blood
on that wall than yours, Campbell.
And today, I looked up
and saw that crack.
I'll phone Radio Clyde tomorrow.
- Are you coming in?
- Aye.
Some letters came to the flat
for Fergus.
- First or second class?
- Why?
Because, Eddie, nobody spends
an extra six pence
to say, "Don't call us, we'll call you."
Yes!
Fergus!
I've been invited for an interview.
Yes! I knew we could do it.
When for?
- Monday.
- Monday!
We've got to get organised.
Where's Rosalie when you need her?
Have you got a suit?
- No.
- You're in luck.
My great-uncle died last month,
I've still got my suit from the funeral.
And you need a haircut, my man.
I can cut it if you want.
I haven't been for an interview
since I left university.
You'll do great. Just you be yourself.
- But I'm a loony.
- Then be somebody else.
Michael Burke is good.
- Or David Attenborough?
- Michael Burke?
Come on, let's take a look at the suit.
You sure you want to do this?
Of course I do.
Rosalie...
- Rosalie, is that you in the cupboard?
- No.
- Who's in the cupboard then?
- Nobody.
Eddie, have you see Rosalie?
Our social worker is here.
She's disappeared again.
I haven't seen her.
Well, if she turns up here, can you
ask her to come to the nurse's station.
Rosalie, you're hiding from
your social worker.
They want to make me go to
one of them places, Eddie.
Full of crazy people.
But here is full of crazy people.
But in them places,
there's people
who don't flush the toilet,
and there's nobody there whose job it is
to come and flush it for them.
I could not live in a place like that.
They're gonna catch you
eventually, Rosalie.
But I'm always on the lookout.
They'll wake you up in your sleep.
I'll not sleep then.
You see,
there's a four-month waiting list
for supported accommodation.
All I have to do
is hide for the next four months.
I think it's a brilliant plan.
You okay?
Listen,
I was thinking...
How would you like to be controller?
But you're the controller, Eddie.
If I was the controller,
what would you be?
I might not be able to
run the station any more, you see?
Why not?
My boss says I have to give it up.
Then lie, say you have.
I'm no good at lying.
You're lying for Fergus.
That's different, that's a white lie.
Then write your boss a wee note.
Uh-uh, I'd have to face him eventually.
I cannae look somebody in the face
and lie.
They always know.
And you're a salesman?
Aye, and a very bad one.
But it's all I've got, and sooner
or later, they'll catch up with me.
Sooner or later,
they'll catch up with me, too.
But I've got a lot more hidey-holes
up my sleeve
than they think I have.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You do what you have to do, Eddie.
Well, if it isn't our Eddie,
Eddie McKenna.
The moustache suits you, by the way.
How did you have to
show these to Griffin?
I'd no choice.
He doesnae read newspapers.
In fact, I'm not sure he can read.
Fortunately, I brought pictures.
- So I hear you might be leaving us.
- Who told you that?
I hear the old man's given you
an ultimatum.
Tough decision, eh?
The adulation of literally
dozens of loony listeners
drilling into their wee radio sets
against a potential 65 grand in
district council commissions next year.
I wouldn't know what to do either,
to be honest.
Come on, McKenna, hit me.
I'd love to see you hit somebody.
I'm sure it wouldnae hurt.
- What have you got against me, MacAteer?
- What have I got against you?
You took a ?1,200 commission
from under my nose
with that council scheme.
And now you're up on your hind legs like
a slobbering wee dog at a butcher shop
getting one fat sausage after another
from Griffin.
Is that not enough to have against you?
- Aye, but...
- This is cutthroat business, McKenna.
I got a ?200,000 mortgage,
I've got an overdraft of about 20 grand
loaning that car,
and if it's you or me,
you are going down every time.
You're not a salesman, McKenna.
And not even in your wet wee dreams
could you be Glasgow Area Manager.
- Give us that letter.
- What are you doing?
- Give us it.
- It's not addressed to you,
it's addressed to
the Glasgow Area Manager.
I'll give you the Henderson sale.
I'll give you
the Christchurch rectory sale!
For one wee letter?
What deal have you got
going on with these people?
I'm really sorry.
Are you okay?
I was right. It didnae hurt.
You're not gonna tell Griffin, are you?
- About hitting me?
- About the letter.
So he'd know you've been
getting about, trying to impress
your big clients with a flash title?
Oh, no fear.
He probably would promote you
to Glasgow Area Manager.
(RETURN TO SENDER PLAYING)
(BUZZING)
Listen to that, Eddie.
That channel's gonna go
in the middle of my show tonight.
Then what am I supposed to do,
use a loudhailer?
I'll have another word with Evelyn,
but she says
the electricians are
a law unto themselves.
Evelyn's a law unto herself.
She walks all over you, you know that?
Campbell, everybody walks all over me.
Is Fergus about?
He's escaped for his interview
this afternoon.
And I've got more bad news.
Oh, great, just what I need.
- Okay, never mind.
- Just tell me, Campbell.
No, you don't want to hear.
Campbell, I've already thumped
somebody today.
I'll thump you next
if you don't tell me.
Well, um...
Radio Clyde are definitely out.
Out of what?
Out of the master plan.
Campbell, Radio Clyde were never
remotely interested in the first place.
Well, they were when I told them
about Radio Scotland.
Campbell,
what did you tell them?
That Radio Scotland had
made us an offer.
Just a late-night slot
filling in for somebody.
Why did you have to tell them that?
I could have told them
they'd offered us a permanent slot,
but I thought that may be a bit much.
What do you think?
I think you're a lunatic, Campbell!
Aye, but what do you think
of the game plan?
Campbell, you might have just blown
our hopes for Radio Scotland.
I don't think so. I mean, the guy from
Radio Clyde was dead impressed and that.
And?
And he said he thought we ought to
take Radio Scotland's offer.
Which we don't have.
Which Radio Clyde know we don't have.
Which Radio Scotland will know
by the end of the week
that we've been saying we have,
but don't have.
But we will. I haven't even talked
to Radio Scotland yet.
Then don't!
Eddie, I'm doing this for us, for you!
Don't do anything for me, Campbell.
I actually have
a contact at Radio Scotland.
I am 38 years old,
and Paula Kinghorn is my first contact.
Let me have that.
Just let me imagine,
as I drift off to sleep at night,
that some day
that's gonna mean
I'll be a professional DJ.
How can you not do that for me?
Because we're a duo.
Then go solo!
We are going to go into
professional radio together, Eddie.
That was the deal,
that's still the deal.
Anyway,
I've already set up an appointment
with Radio Scotland for Tuesday.
4:00.
That okay with you?
EDDIE: Well, here we are.
Jamaica Street.
It's no Barbados, but we can
go to the leisure centre if you want.
Got a pool and some sun-beds.
Nah, this is great.
Let's go for a walk.
FRANCINE: I love this place.
Da used to take me when I was wee
to watch the trains come in.
He'd say, "That one's
come all the way from London,
"and that's come all the way
from Plymouth."
So he was a trainspotter, then?
No, he just liked to count
all the new things he didnae know.
You look awful tired, you know?
No, I've just got that kind of face.
When I was a wee boy, the teacher
was always saying, "Wake up!"
And I'd say, "I'm not sleeping, miss."
And then thwack across the hand
for talking back.
I was going to be a concert pianist,
you know?
And you ended up a DJ.
No, I ended up a loser.
You're not a loser, Eddie.
Last thing Angela said to me was,
"You're a loser, Edward McKenna.
You'll never amount to anything."
She ended up getting married
to a guy in Edinburgh
who imports coffee from Brazil,
big time.
He probably personally
orders the beatings
of dissident coffee workers.
I ran into her up Buchanan Street
a couple of years ago.
She smiled like she was dead pleased
to see me and she said,
"So, are you still trying to
break into radio?"
I wanted to be a ballerina
when I was a wee'un.
I used to leap about the house
wearing Ma's nylon petticoat.
Dancing and all that shite.
What did your folks think?
Don't suppose they thought anything.
Da was always pished and
Ma was always trying to kill herself.
Even now, I could walk into
any casualty in Glasgow
and somebody would say, "Oh, look,
there's Mary Boyle's wee girl."
She used to buy
a new nightie every time,
so she'd look nice when Da came in
from the pub, found her
and rushed her to hospital.
They'd come home all kisses and cuddles.
And this went on
until Da got into a fight
with a chip shop owner
over some cold chips one night.
He was arrested and had to
spend the night in jail.
Poor Ma.
She'd shite all over her new nightie
when they finally found her.
What age were you?
Eight.
Da went mental after that.
Everything drove him crazy.
One night, I woke up.
There was this hellish row
in the kitchen.
I walked in
and there was Da in his pyjamas,
pished, soaked to the skin,
chucking buckets of water out the window
to stop a couple of cats screwing,
'cause it was keeping him awake.
Did it work?
I don't think so.
Nothing stops a tomcat
getting what he wants.
It's the female
makes all the noise, see.
Screaming and screaming
like a wee baby greeting its heart out.
Greeting its wee heart out.
What happened to you, Francine?
Did someone hurt you?
How do you mean?
I'm talking about cats screwing.
Does that embarrass you, that?
(CONGRATULATIONS PLAYING)
(PARTY HORN BLOWING)
Campbell, what's going on?
He did it. Fergus got the job!
I always said he was a genius.
We did it, Eddie! We can heal the sick,
we can raise the dead.
Campbell, Fergus deserved
to get the job.
But that's the beauty of it.
He deserved the job and he got it.
- Is that not a miracle?
- Right enough.
So you did it, you wee bastard.
Subject to references.
Don't worry about that.
I said you're the best systems analyst
I've ever worked with
and I'd be sick to lose you.
It's all true.
What am I going to do now?
Now,
you get up every morning,
you go to work,
you hate your boss, that's it.
That's a lot better than it sounds
if you're making a lot of dosh.
Aye. And this is just the beginning.
Anything's possible now.
Eddie, we're gonna get that job
at Radio Scotland.
And Rosalie is gonna get a flat
with carpets and central heating.
And a dishwasher.
And Francine is gonna dance
on the stage at Covent Garden.
And two channel
is gonna go in three seconds.
(MUSIC STOPS, FEEDBACK)
Oh, Jesus!
Where's the bloody electrician?
EDDIE: We don't need an electrician.
We need somebody with
a degree in electronics.
We need a systems analyst.
Where are we gonna get a systems analyst
at this time of night?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
CAMPBELL: And it's business as usual!
I didn't expect that to work.
I'm sorry, Rosalie,
but your social worker is here.
It's 10:00 at night!
She came specially, come on!
And it's business as usual.
Campbell Bain and Eddie McKenna to see
Paula Kinghorn.
We've got a 4:00 appointment.
Just a moment.
And remember, Eddie,
let me do the talking.
Will I ever get a choice?
I'm sorry, but Paula Kinghorn
is in a meeting just now.
Will she be long?
Well, actually, her secretary
doesn't have you down for 4:00.
When does she have us down for?
She hasn't got you down
at all, actually.
What?
Listen, Eddie and I have just been
made an offer from Radio Clyde.
And Paula is supposed to be discussing
a counter offer this afternoon.
Did you make the appointment with
her secretary or with Paula directly?
With Paula directly.
Just a minute then.
You haven't got an appointment,
have you?
Of course I do.
But does she know about it?
Aye.
I told her about it in the letter.
I'm sorry,
but there seems to be a mix-up.
Paula Kinghorn's in a meeting,
and she's scheduled
to go to straight to another meeting
when she's finished.
- That's all right.
- No, it's not.
We've flown all the way
from the west coast for this meeting.
He means Troon.
We've just come back from holidays.
We've come all the way from Hollywood,
and we're not going to be
treated like this.
If she cannae see us, then fine.
We'll accept Radio Clyde's offer
and be done with it.
I'll try her secretary again.
No need, I'll take care of our guests
from Hollywood.
Have you really got an offer
from Radio Clyde?
Aye.
I know it's just a fill-in slot,
but they've asked
for an option for the future.
I'm sorry for making an arse of myself
and I'm sorry for getting you
out of a meeting,
but I wanted you to know that we
would really rather be working for you,
before we signed anything with them.
And that's the truth.
Come and see me tomorrow at 5:00.
We'll see if we can get you in to
do a pilot for us, shall we?
EDDIE: How do you do that?
Just lie like that?
It's not lying.
Sometimes you just have to
look somebody in the eye
and tell the truth that should be
instead of the truth that is.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Is everything all right? Good lad.
Excuse me, please. How are you?
Didn't expect to see you here, McKenna.
Thought you wanted to
bring me in on the commercial side?
Not still doing that radio lark,
are you?
Of course not.
Well, you know, I'm sorry to
take a man away from his hobby, but...
You gotta be mean to be on the team.
We'll make a sales manager
out of you yet, McKenna, eh?
(LAUGHING)
You can borrow it if you want.
- Just browsing.
- Why do you keep on reading it then?
Know your enemy.
Is that how you think of me?
Know your friend?
Well, I've got all the results back
from the profile we did,
and I must say they paint
an extraordinary picture.
Particularly the IQ test results,
which are surprisingly high.
Well, I just put down
what the voices tell me to.
Joke.
I would like you to participate in
a longer term study that I'm planning.
This would mean doing a similar profile
at regular intervals in the future.
Perhaps involving
the odd residential stay.
- No chance.
- No, not as a patient.
Just for the purposes of study.
Before you say no, hear me out.
Schizophrenia is as baffling to us
as it is distressing for you.
Without research,
without willing participants
in that research,
we will never find a cure.
Now, you can see that, can't you?
Listen...
I'm starting a new job,
and all I want to know from you
is what day exactly
you're letting me out,
so I can tell them when I can start.
Yes.
Well, that was the other thing
I wanted to talk to you about.
Your GP has been on to me.
They asked him for a medical reference
and he needed a psychiatric assessment.
And...
And I told him the truth.
Mr MacKinnon,
I know this must be painful,
but Systems Analyst is
a very responsible position,
and you're simply not able
to take on that kind of responsibility.
But, perhaps by way of compensation,
I have decided to take you on myself as
one of my personal long-term patients.
Didn't know I was long-term ill.
You suffer from schizophrenia,
which is a long-term illness.
Not always.
In your case, I believe it is.
From now on, I will be
in personal charge of your care.
And I promise you, I'll do my very best
to keep it under control.
(VOICE ECHOING)
It's something
you're just going to have to live with,
like insulin-dependent diabetes.
(LAUGHING)
Diabetics can get a job.
I'm sorry, Mr MacKinnon.
(VOICES IN FERGUS' HEAD WHISPERING)
(SCREAMS)
Fergus, what are you doing?
I'm installing the new mixer.
They'll just take it back.
Not this time.
'Cause I've screwed it to the desk.
They'll have to take the desk apart,
and they'll need an electrician
to do it.
Has something happened about the job?
Mmm-hmm.
They renewed your section?
No, they're letting me out.
They're letting me out
to sit in my room,
they're letting me out
to watch the television.
Fergus, please.
How come you're not starting the job?
Because they needed a medical reference
and Hollis told them
I'm just a fucking loon.
Well, that's it then. Finished.
Fergus, don't go. Next time
we'll get you a medical reference.
If Eddie can be your boss,
he can be your doctor.
Oh, Fergus, don't go.
Eddie and Campbell will be back soon.
Where are you going?
Out for some air.
Fergus, please don't go!
Open the door! Open the door!
Somebody open the door!
- Francine!
- Fergus is gone!
Fergus is always going out, Francine.
He's gonna do something.
I've got to go after him!
He'll be all right!
Eddie! Fergus is gone!
He's not got a job any more.
Hollis told them he was a loony!
- Would you leave her?
- He's gonna do something.
I saw him on the ledge,
he's heading for the tower, I know it!
(FRANCINE CRYING)
He'll be all right. He will.
Oh, Jesus.
Fergus!
Is Fergus dead?
Aye.
McTavish is pregnant, is he not?
Aye.
(FOOL ON THE HILL PLAYING)
ISABEL: Fergus.
Fergus?
Have you seen Fergus?
He's just gone off wearing a helmet.
Helmet?
Yes!
Yes!
Fergus is wearing a helmet!
He is wearing a helmet!
Quick, everybody!
Fergus has just been spotted
wearing a helmet!
(BEEPING)
There he is!
There he is!
God!
Yes! He's gonna do it.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
(PATIENTS CHEERING)
What's going on?
Fergus MacKinnon is escaping again.
You mean, he's done this before?
# Hospital radio, St Jude's #
Hundreds of patients reported
seeing an unidentified man
flying from the roof of
North Wing this afternoon.
An unprecedented amount
of ECT was prescribed
before it was pointed out that
the flying man was none other
than our own Fergus MacKinnon,
hang gliding into town
to buy our new mixer.
We're still waiting for Fergus
to check in, but in the meantime,
here's a dedication from all of us
at the station
to flying Fergus MacKinnon.
(AIN'TNO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH PLAYING)
Where's your hang glider?
I took it back where it came from.
Dr Hollis wants to see you tomorrow
at 10:00, by the way.
- Who?
- Your consultant!
Oh.
PATIENT: (SINGING)
# Ain't no valley low enough
# Ain't no river wide enough
# To keep me from you
# Ain't no mountain high enough #
(ALL CHEERING)
Campbell, I've been looking
all over for you.
Fergus is back with a mixer
that he got in auction
for a fraction of what it's worth.
Come and have a look.
Maybe later.
This is a big moment, Campbell.
What are you doing out here?
I just got my post.
You got some bad news?
It's not what I got, Eddie,
it's what I didnae get.
I hope you're not expecting a message
from the blue men from Venus.
Not the blue men from Venus, Eddie,
the blue-suited bastards
from the radio stations.
Oh.
It's been days since
we did a publicity stunt.
I phoned Radio Scotland today,
and you know what I found?
The head of radio was on holiday.
His deputy was out to lunch at 2:30
in the afternoon!
The head of entertainment
was permanently on another line,
and his senior producer was in a meeting
all bloody day!
No wonder they've not been in touch.
Eddie, nobody in that building
actually does any work!
Campbell, how'd you not
just send them a demo?
That would be grovelling.
Then grovel!
Dr Hollis said just have a seat,
she'll be with you in a moment.
- Would you like a tea or coffee?
- No, thanks.
Do you always borrow books
without permission?
I'm not borrowing, I'm just looking.
Like you were just looking
at the hang glider yesterday?
No, I was definitely flying
the hang glider.
Please, sit down.
I'm Dr Hollis.
I don't think we've met.
Do you mind telling me exactly what
you thought you were doing yesterday?
I thought I was going to an auction.
It wasn't very clever, was it?
Your section's about to expire.
You could be out of here in three weeks.
I could be out of here this afternoon.
I understand escaping
is a bit of a hobby for you.
Wherever did you get
that hang glider anyway?
From a sports club in Partick.
- You stole it?
- Borrowed it.
I did an installation for them,
so they loaned it to me for a few days.
Installation?
Software. Their new DTP program.
How did you get it up onto the roof?
Up the stairs,
through the access in the store room.
The store room is a restricted area.
How did you get the key?
I pledged my kidneys.
If locks are no problem to you,
why the hang glider?
Why don't you just
walk out of the front door?
That wouldn't be much fun though,
would it?
Mr MacKinnon, I'm writing a paper
on the relationship between
schizophrenia and high intelligence.
I'd like to do a profile on you,
if I may.
I'd like to do some tests,
a personality inventory, an IQ test.
Would you be agreeable to that?
- I suppose.
- Good.
If I set it up for Thursday,
would that be all right?
You're planning to be here on Thursday?
I'll rearrange my schedule.
When I get the results,
I'd like to have another interview
with you before your discharge.
Discharge?
As I said, your section expires
in three weeks.
But I thought...
I don't see much point
in keeping you here.
Do you?
CAMPBELL: Dear sir or madam,
please find enclosed clippings
from last week's papers,
which, if you have bothered to read,
would have informed you
that two bright young talents
have emerged on the Glasgow radio scene.
Young?
I'm giving you this one last chance
to snap us up
before some other station does
and I'm sending you
a demo of a show
we did together recently.
I await your reply. Yours faithfully.
Campbell, you cannae send
a letter like that.
I'm sorry, Eddie,
but it's no more Mr Nice Guy.
You haven't tried
being polite to them yet.
I'm trying to
get their attention, Eddie.
Well, you'll get that.
Hello.
I just thought I'd pop in.
"Post open day", as it were.
Dr Winter's asked me to thank you all
on her behalf for a job well done.
So, this is it, eh?
It's bigger than I expected.
For a small but growing station.
I'll get you an electrician, shall I?
No, it's okay.
Fergus here is sorting us out.
Yes, but I think...
There's nothing to do after
I bring it up to spec except plug it in.
Still, we must have
a qualified person surely?
Fergus is qualified. He's a genius!
He's got a degree in electronics.
Away and get your degree, Fergus.
EVELYN: There's no need.
Look, I'm sorry,
but we cannot use this mixer
until it's been installed
by a qualified person.
Fergus is a qualified person.
Fergus is a patient!
I am responsible
for this station, Eddie.
Now, I will get you an electrician
as quickly as I can.
But in the meantime, I'm not going to
risk burning down the hospital!
Now, surely that is not unreasonable.
Now look what you've done.
I'll put the requisition in
this afternoon.
FRANCINE: Don't go!
You don't want to look stupid.
The ward's not locked today.
Nobody's a clear and present danger
to themselves or others, I suppose.
She's a cow, that Evelyn.
They'll letting me out of here
in three weeks.
- What about your section?
- Not renewing it.
The bastards! They always renew mine.
- Are you not looking forward to it?
- No.
You'll be all right, you know.
If I had half your talent, I'd get
myself the cushiest job going,
a company car, and end up that rich
I'd be eccentric instead of loony.
Maybe you will.
Not me. I'm a hardcore unemployable.
I don't mind. I'm very good at it,
and everybody's got to have something.
But you've got brains, Fergus.
- You've got an education.
- Aye.
And a big hole on my CV that says
I've been working for the blue men from
Venus for the past two-and-a-half years.
You cannae let them beat you, Fergus.
Evelyn's not the only one
out there, Francine.
- GRIFFIN: McKenna, what is this?
- Newspaper.
And that?
And that?
Three newspapers?
And what do these three newspapers
have in common?
- Don't know.
- Then guess, man. Guess!
They're all Scottish?
What these newspapers
have in common, McKenna,
is that they've all got
your mug in them.
Do you know how that makes me feel?
Not proud, I take it.
Proud?
I'd feel proud if there were
a picture of you, for example,
opening the biggest housing development
in Europe.
Complete with 6,000 Twinview Windows!
What does not make me proud
is you engaging in some ridiculous
antics in a mental institution.
It's Mental Health Week.
And what breaks my heart is that
MacAteer had to be the one to tell me.
MacAteer?
He and I had been discussing
your future, McKenna.
I'd been thinking of bringing you in
on the commercial side more.
The district council are asking
for another tender.
Big money this time!
But what am I supposed to make of this?
It's not like...
Loonies do not buy patio doors
and replacement windows, McKenna.
Now, how long has this radio business
being going on?
It's just a hobby.
Eight years, I suppose.
Why did you not mention it
when I interviewed you for the job, man?
It's only a couple of nights a week.
Well, you know what it says
in the Bible, don't you?
No.
Then guess, you moron.
What does it say in the Bible?
- It says a lot of things in the Bible.
- Then guess!
Love thy neighbour?
Never mind about your neighbours!
Tell them their timber's got wet rot,
and sell them some windows.
It says, "No man can serve two masters."
Now, this is a tough business.
And if we're going to take you on board
the commercial side,
you don't have a couple of nights
to spare.
You don't have a couple of minutes
to spare.
You live, you breathe, you eat
and you excrete windows.
Or the competition will serve
your bollocks to you with brown sauce.
Are you reading me?
Aye.
Good lad.
Now, there is a commercial sales meeting
Thursday week.
I want to bring you in and
give you this tender with the council,
but you tell your loony friends
the party is over.
I don't know if I can do that.
Then I don't know
if you can work for me.
Now, which is it going to be, McKenna?
(WHOOPING)
I've done it! I've done it!
ON RADIO: This is the fabulous Francine,
and tonight I'm bringing you music
from 1963...
the year Kennedy was assassinated
by a lone gunman.
It was also the year
my brother's front tooth
was turned into a sixpence
by the Tooth Fairy,
and Hamish in Ward 2 first saw reptiles
looking at him through the keyhole.
I did it! I did it!
(SHUSHING)
Well, if you've just heard
the commotion in the studio,
you'll want to know
that Campbell has done it.
We don't know what it is he's done, how,
when, and who's going to clean it up,
but stay tuned for Hospital News Time
after this.
Do you not check before you barge in?
I couldn't help myself, Eddie.
Radio Scotland have invited us
in for a chat.
Thursday at 12:30.
I'm telling you, Eddie.
If they buy us lunch, we're in.
You got this by writing that letter?
Well, I toned it down a wee bit.
And you should see
what I got to wear for the occasion.
Mr Cool Campbell.
Is it not absolutely brilliant?
I traded a pack of cigarettes for it.
What do you think, Fergus?
Aye, you look great.
What's up with him?
EDDIE: Maybe he's still annoyed
about the mixer.
Where is the mixer, anyway?
They locked it in the nurses' room
till they get the electrician in.
Orders of the Reichsfuhrer, no doubt.
That'll be it then.
I think it's more likely to be this.
- What's that?
- All the jobs he cannae have.
He's being discharged
in a couple of weeks.
He can have any of these.
He'd blow them away.
He's got no references
and no recent experience.
Sooner or later, they always find out,
you know?
Looks like he even got
an application form for one.
Nothing from 1991 till now.
Could he not just slip in
a new re-list of jobs?
How?
With a pen.
Aye, nobody is going to care
once they hire them.
April 1991 to May 1992,
Assistant Programmer with IBM.
Not just Assistant.
Aye, make him Programmer.
No, Senior Programmer!
And then, from April 1992
to February 1993...
Computer Hardware Consultant
with British Petroleum.
Perfect! And about time, too.
And then, February 1993 to the present.
Systems Analyst for Strathclyde
Regional Planning Department.
A diabolically clever career move.
You cannae put in all those jobs.
It'll look like he changes jobs
too often.
You're right.
I think a man of Fergus' calibre
would go straight for
the Systems Analyst job in 1991
and stick with it.
He's that kind of guy.
Brilliant but loyal.
He'd never get away with it though.
How not?
Because he'd need a reference
from his present employer
and a return address
that's not a loony bin.
Oh, aye.
CAMPBELL: Fergus!
Fergus, what are you sitting there for?
We've got letters to write,
forms to fill in.
You are a Systems Analyst
and you're getting an excellent
reference from your current employer.
Who's my current employer?
The Glasgow Area Manager of
Twinview Windows, Mr Edward McKenna.
Francine, what you doing out here?
The ward's not locked tonight.
And anyway, I'm allowed
to go walkabout now.
But it's freezing cold!
Here, take this.
That's the second time you've done that.
It's the kind of thing that
happens in Mills and Boon books.
Didn't know folk did it in real life.
- Are you not cold yourself now?
- Oh, no.
What's that?
Some pilchards for McTavish.
I thought he was too fat.
Aye, but he cannae help it.
I've been trying to get him to trust me.
I've been putting the dish a wee bit
closer to me every night, you see.
Last night, I stroked him.
And he let you?
Not really.
He scratched the hell out of me.
So he might not come back tonight.
It's great what you're doing for Fergus.
Do you not worry about losing your job?
All the time.
Good news about Radio Scotland though.
Don't think it'll come to anything.
Your show was great tonight.
You're doing really well, you know?
Aye, you'd hardly know
I was the same basket case
you met when I first came in here, eh?
You were never a basket case.
They've even offered me a half-day pass
next week, if I want it.
Don't suppose I'll bother.
Why not?
What would I do?
Go for drive with me somewhere.
In my vintage Allegro.
- Where to?
- Anywhere you want to go.
I want to go to Barbados.
Well, we could go to Jamaica Street.
(LAUGHING)
What do you say?
Aye.
Okay.
(FOLK MUSIC BLARING)
EDDIE: Grandma, what are you doing?
Grandma!
(SWITCHES OFF MUSIC)
What are you doing?
I am dancing and making soup!
Put the music on.
It's after midnight!
The neighbours will be on
at the council tomorrow.
All day they make noise
with their boom boomy boom.
How they complain?
Because they pay their rent on time.
What are you wearing that for?
I go to Lithuanian club tonight.
We dance, we sing...
You drink vodka?
We celebrate national day!
Grandma, I need to talk to you.
I've got some bad news.
Good! I also have bad news.
What is it?
I'm going to Lithuania.
Aye, well, it may take a bit of time
to get the dosh together.
- When are you thinking of going?
- November 21 st, 11:00.
Grandma, Lithuania is
a very cold country.
You cannae go on holiday to Lithuania
in November.
I don't go on holiday, Eddie.
I am going home.
To live?
Are you out of your mind?
You cannae just go back
after nearly 50 years.
Nearly 90 ?% percent of the folk you knew
are dead now.
90 ?% of the folk I knew
were dead in 1945!
How are you going to live?
Mrs Prackhauskas has relatives
in Mariampole.
They give me small room,
I give them hard currency.
I've talked to DSS.
They send my pension to Lithuania.
Only thing is, you must give me ?3,000.
What?
Grandma, I haven't got ?3,000.
I need travel money,
furniture and things.
And money to bribe people sometimes,
it's very poor country.
I want to die in my own country, Eddie.
It's time to go home now.
It's natural to go home.
I thought you wanted to see me married.
There's still time to
get special licence.
We find nice lassie for you next week.
I'm going to remember
everything about today, Eddie.
I'm going to remember
what I had for breakfast,
that song that's playing on the radio.
Just don't get your hopes up
too much, huh?
Eddie, I'm telling you.
If they buy us lunch, we're in.
Buy us lunch?
All the big deals
are clinched over lunch.
Like Dallas. You ever see
JR clinch a deal over coffee?
If JR offered you coffee, you were out.
If they offer us coffee, Eddie,
it's bad news.
Are you not excited?
Don't you want to
go into Twinview tomorrow
and tell them all to bugger off?
Aye, sure I would.
And I'm going to remember
that busker over there.
Hang in there, my man.
You'll be famous one day!
Come on!
And I'm going to remember that car.
And I'm going to remember those trees.
I'm going to remember going through this
door. I'm going to remember this carpet.
Edward McKenna and Campbell Bain
to see Paula Kinghorn, please.
And these awards!
Eddie, folk who worked in this building
got these awards.
You can go right up.
It's the fourth floor,
and Paula will meet you at the lift.
And I'm going to remember you.
You're wonderful. You're amazing.
Hi, Paula Kinghorn, Senior Producer,
Entertainment Department.
I'm so glad we could meet at last.
I remember reading about
your publicity stunt
with Spike Milligan in the papers.
And we were much impressed
with your demo.
Fiona, you couldn't get me a coffee,
could you?
Would you like a coffee?
CAMPBELL: I can't believe
she rushed us out of there like that.
She didnae. She had a lunch meeting.
That should have been
our lunch meeting, Eddie.
You don't want to keep this
as a memento, do you?
CAMPBELL: Well,
I'm not going to stand for it.
They're not going to treat us like this.
Like what?
They're interested, Campbell.
They're going to get us in to do a pilot
as soon as a slot comes up.
I'm sorry, but if that's the best
they can do, I'm going to Radio Clyde.
EDDIE: Campbell, Radio Clyde
aren't interested.
Aye, they are.
They just don't know it yet!
Campbell, maybe in the films
a guy can take a handful of his fragile,
wee dreams into the big white building
and they make him a star.
But in the real world,
you beat your head against
the brick wall until it's bloody.
And then, maybe,
one day, you look up
and you see just a wee crack in it.
There's a lot more of my blood
on that wall than yours, Campbell.
And today, I looked up
and saw that crack.
I'll phone Radio Clyde tomorrow.
- Are you coming in?
- Aye.
Some letters came to the flat
for Fergus.
- First or second class?
- Why?
Because, Eddie, nobody spends
an extra six pence
to say, "Don't call us, we'll call you."
Yes!
Fergus!
I've been invited for an interview.
Yes! I knew we could do it.
When for?
- Monday.
- Monday!
We've got to get organised.
Where's Rosalie when you need her?
Have you got a suit?
- No.
- You're in luck.
My great-uncle died last month,
I've still got my suit from the funeral.
And you need a haircut, my man.
I can cut it if you want.
I haven't been for an interview
since I left university.
You'll do great. Just you be yourself.
- But I'm a loony.
- Then be somebody else.
Michael Burke is good.
- Or David Attenborough?
- Michael Burke?
Come on, let's take a look at the suit.
You sure you want to do this?
Of course I do.
Rosalie...
- Rosalie, is that you in the cupboard?
- No.
- Who's in the cupboard then?
- Nobody.
Eddie, have you see Rosalie?
Our social worker is here.
She's disappeared again.
I haven't seen her.
Well, if she turns up here, can you
ask her to come to the nurse's station.
Rosalie, you're hiding from
your social worker.
They want to make me go to
one of them places, Eddie.
Full of crazy people.
But here is full of crazy people.
But in them places,
there's people
who don't flush the toilet,
and there's nobody there whose job it is
to come and flush it for them.
I could not live in a place like that.
They're gonna catch you
eventually, Rosalie.
But I'm always on the lookout.
They'll wake you up in your sleep.
I'll not sleep then.
You see,
there's a four-month waiting list
for supported accommodation.
All I have to do
is hide for the next four months.
I think it's a brilliant plan.
You okay?
Listen,
I was thinking...
How would you like to be controller?
But you're the controller, Eddie.
If I was the controller,
what would you be?
I might not be able to
run the station any more, you see?
Why not?
My boss says I have to give it up.
Then lie, say you have.
I'm no good at lying.
You're lying for Fergus.
That's different, that's a white lie.
Then write your boss a wee note.
Uh-uh, I'd have to face him eventually.
I cannae look somebody in the face
and lie.
They always know.
And you're a salesman?
Aye, and a very bad one.
But it's all I've got, and sooner
or later, they'll catch up with me.
Sooner or later,
they'll catch up with me, too.
But I've got a lot more hidey-holes
up my sleeve
than they think I have.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You do what you have to do, Eddie.
Well, if it isn't our Eddie,
Eddie McKenna.
The moustache suits you, by the way.
How did you have to
show these to Griffin?
I'd no choice.
He doesnae read newspapers.
In fact, I'm not sure he can read.
Fortunately, I brought pictures.
- So I hear you might be leaving us.
- Who told you that?
I hear the old man's given you
an ultimatum.
Tough decision, eh?
The adulation of literally
dozens of loony listeners
drilling into their wee radio sets
against a potential 65 grand in
district council commissions next year.
I wouldn't know what to do either,
to be honest.
Come on, McKenna, hit me.
I'd love to see you hit somebody.
I'm sure it wouldnae hurt.
- What have you got against me, MacAteer?
- What have I got against you?
You took a ?1,200 commission
from under my nose
with that council scheme.
And now you're up on your hind legs like
a slobbering wee dog at a butcher shop
getting one fat sausage after another
from Griffin.
Is that not enough to have against you?
- Aye, but...
- This is cutthroat business, McKenna.
I got a ?200,000 mortgage,
I've got an overdraft of about 20 grand
loaning that car,
and if it's you or me,
you are going down every time.
You're not a salesman, McKenna.
And not even in your wet wee dreams
could you be Glasgow Area Manager.
- Give us that letter.
- What are you doing?
- Give us it.
- It's not addressed to you,
it's addressed to
the Glasgow Area Manager.
I'll give you the Henderson sale.
I'll give you
the Christchurch rectory sale!
For one wee letter?
What deal have you got
going on with these people?
I'm really sorry.
Are you okay?
I was right. It didnae hurt.
You're not gonna tell Griffin, are you?
- About hitting me?
- About the letter.
So he'd know you've been
getting about, trying to impress
your big clients with a flash title?
Oh, no fear.
He probably would promote you
to Glasgow Area Manager.
(RETURN TO SENDER PLAYING)
(BUZZING)
Listen to that, Eddie.
That channel's gonna go
in the middle of my show tonight.
Then what am I supposed to do,
use a loudhailer?
I'll have another word with Evelyn,
but she says
the electricians are
a law unto themselves.
Evelyn's a law unto herself.
She walks all over you, you know that?
Campbell, everybody walks all over me.
Is Fergus about?
He's escaped for his interview
this afternoon.
And I've got more bad news.
Oh, great, just what I need.
- Okay, never mind.
- Just tell me, Campbell.
No, you don't want to hear.
Campbell, I've already thumped
somebody today.
I'll thump you next
if you don't tell me.
Well, um...
Radio Clyde are definitely out.
Out of what?
Out of the master plan.
Campbell, Radio Clyde were never
remotely interested in the first place.
Well, they were when I told them
about Radio Scotland.
Campbell,
what did you tell them?
That Radio Scotland had
made us an offer.
Just a late-night slot
filling in for somebody.
Why did you have to tell them that?
I could have told them
they'd offered us a permanent slot,
but I thought that may be a bit much.
What do you think?
I think you're a lunatic, Campbell!
Aye, but what do you think
of the game plan?
Campbell, you might have just blown
our hopes for Radio Scotland.
I don't think so. I mean, the guy from
Radio Clyde was dead impressed and that.
And?
And he said he thought we ought to
take Radio Scotland's offer.
Which we don't have.
Which Radio Clyde know we don't have.
Which Radio Scotland will know
by the end of the week
that we've been saying we have,
but don't have.
But we will. I haven't even talked
to Radio Scotland yet.
Then don't!
Eddie, I'm doing this for us, for you!
Don't do anything for me, Campbell.
I actually have
a contact at Radio Scotland.
I am 38 years old,
and Paula Kinghorn is my first contact.
Let me have that.
Just let me imagine,
as I drift off to sleep at night,
that some day
that's gonna mean
I'll be a professional DJ.
How can you not do that for me?
Because we're a duo.
Then go solo!
We are going to go into
professional radio together, Eddie.
That was the deal,
that's still the deal.
Anyway,
I've already set up an appointment
with Radio Scotland for Tuesday.
4:00.
That okay with you?
EDDIE: Well, here we are.
Jamaica Street.
It's no Barbados, but we can
go to the leisure centre if you want.
Got a pool and some sun-beds.
Nah, this is great.
Let's go for a walk.
FRANCINE: I love this place.
Da used to take me when I was wee
to watch the trains come in.
He'd say, "That one's
come all the way from London,
"and that's come all the way
from Plymouth."
So he was a trainspotter, then?
No, he just liked to count
all the new things he didnae know.
You look awful tired, you know?
No, I've just got that kind of face.
When I was a wee boy, the teacher
was always saying, "Wake up!"
And I'd say, "I'm not sleeping, miss."
And then thwack across the hand
for talking back.
I was going to be a concert pianist,
you know?
And you ended up a DJ.
No, I ended up a loser.
You're not a loser, Eddie.
Last thing Angela said to me was,
"You're a loser, Edward McKenna.
You'll never amount to anything."
She ended up getting married
to a guy in Edinburgh
who imports coffee from Brazil,
big time.
He probably personally
orders the beatings
of dissident coffee workers.
I ran into her up Buchanan Street
a couple of years ago.
She smiled like she was dead pleased
to see me and she said,
"So, are you still trying to
break into radio?"
I wanted to be a ballerina
when I was a wee'un.
I used to leap about the house
wearing Ma's nylon petticoat.
Dancing and all that shite.
What did your folks think?
Don't suppose they thought anything.
Da was always pished and
Ma was always trying to kill herself.
Even now, I could walk into
any casualty in Glasgow
and somebody would say, "Oh, look,
there's Mary Boyle's wee girl."
She used to buy
a new nightie every time,
so she'd look nice when Da came in
from the pub, found her
and rushed her to hospital.
They'd come home all kisses and cuddles.
And this went on
until Da got into a fight
with a chip shop owner
over some cold chips one night.
He was arrested and had to
spend the night in jail.
Poor Ma.
She'd shite all over her new nightie
when they finally found her.
What age were you?
Eight.
Da went mental after that.
Everything drove him crazy.
One night, I woke up.
There was this hellish row
in the kitchen.
I walked in
and there was Da in his pyjamas,
pished, soaked to the skin,
chucking buckets of water out the window
to stop a couple of cats screwing,
'cause it was keeping him awake.
Did it work?
I don't think so.
Nothing stops a tomcat
getting what he wants.
It's the female
makes all the noise, see.
Screaming and screaming
like a wee baby greeting its heart out.
Greeting its wee heart out.
What happened to you, Francine?
Did someone hurt you?
How do you mean?
I'm talking about cats screwing.
Does that embarrass you, that?
(CONGRATULATIONS PLAYING)
(PARTY HORN BLOWING)
Campbell, what's going on?
He did it. Fergus got the job!
I always said he was a genius.
We did it, Eddie! We can heal the sick,
we can raise the dead.
Campbell, Fergus deserved
to get the job.
But that's the beauty of it.
He deserved the job and he got it.
- Is that not a miracle?
- Right enough.
So you did it, you wee bastard.
Subject to references.
Don't worry about that.
I said you're the best systems analyst
I've ever worked with
and I'd be sick to lose you.
It's all true.
What am I going to do now?
Now,
you get up every morning,
you go to work,
you hate your boss, that's it.
That's a lot better than it sounds
if you're making a lot of dosh.
Aye. And this is just the beginning.
Anything's possible now.
Eddie, we're gonna get that job
at Radio Scotland.
And Rosalie is gonna get a flat
with carpets and central heating.
And a dishwasher.
And Francine is gonna dance
on the stage at Covent Garden.
And two channel
is gonna go in three seconds.
(MUSIC STOPS, FEEDBACK)
Oh, Jesus!
Where's the bloody electrician?
EDDIE: We don't need an electrician.
We need somebody with
a degree in electronics.
We need a systems analyst.
Where are we gonna get a systems analyst
at this time of night?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
CAMPBELL: And it's business as usual!
I didn't expect that to work.
I'm sorry, Rosalie,
but your social worker is here.
It's 10:00 at night!
She came specially, come on!
And it's business as usual.
Campbell Bain and Eddie McKenna to see
Paula Kinghorn.
We've got a 4:00 appointment.
Just a moment.
And remember, Eddie,
let me do the talking.
Will I ever get a choice?
I'm sorry, but Paula Kinghorn
is in a meeting just now.
Will she be long?
Well, actually, her secretary
doesn't have you down for 4:00.
When does she have us down for?
She hasn't got you down
at all, actually.
What?
Listen, Eddie and I have just been
made an offer from Radio Clyde.
And Paula is supposed to be discussing
a counter offer this afternoon.
Did you make the appointment with
her secretary or with Paula directly?
With Paula directly.
Just a minute then.
You haven't got an appointment,
have you?
Of course I do.
But does she know about it?
Aye.
I told her about it in the letter.
I'm sorry,
but there seems to be a mix-up.
Paula Kinghorn's in a meeting,
and she's scheduled
to go to straight to another meeting
when she's finished.
- That's all right.
- No, it's not.
We've flown all the way
from the west coast for this meeting.
He means Troon.
We've just come back from holidays.
We've come all the way from Hollywood,
and we're not going to be
treated like this.
If she cannae see us, then fine.
We'll accept Radio Clyde's offer
and be done with it.
I'll try her secretary again.
No need, I'll take care of our guests
from Hollywood.
Have you really got an offer
from Radio Clyde?
Aye.
I know it's just a fill-in slot,
but they've asked
for an option for the future.
I'm sorry for making an arse of myself
and I'm sorry for getting you
out of a meeting,
but I wanted you to know that we
would really rather be working for you,
before we signed anything with them.
And that's the truth.
Come and see me tomorrow at 5:00.
We'll see if we can get you in to
do a pilot for us, shall we?
EDDIE: How do you do that?
Just lie like that?
It's not lying.
Sometimes you just have to
look somebody in the eye
and tell the truth that should be
instead of the truth that is.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Is everything all right? Good lad.
Excuse me, please. How are you?
Didn't expect to see you here, McKenna.
Thought you wanted to
bring me in on the commercial side?
Not still doing that radio lark,
are you?
Of course not.
Well, you know, I'm sorry to
take a man away from his hobby, but...
You gotta be mean to be on the team.
We'll make a sales manager
out of you yet, McKenna, eh?
(LAUGHING)
You can borrow it if you want.
- Just browsing.
- Why do you keep on reading it then?
Know your enemy.
Is that how you think of me?
Know your friend?
Well, I've got all the results back
from the profile we did,
and I must say they paint
an extraordinary picture.
Particularly the IQ test results,
which are surprisingly high.
Well, I just put down
what the voices tell me to.
Joke.
I would like you to participate in
a longer term study that I'm planning.
This would mean doing a similar profile
at regular intervals in the future.
Perhaps involving
the odd residential stay.
- No chance.
- No, not as a patient.
Just for the purposes of study.
Before you say no, hear me out.
Schizophrenia is as baffling to us
as it is distressing for you.
Without research,
without willing participants
in that research,
we will never find a cure.
Now, you can see that, can't you?
Listen...
I'm starting a new job,
and all I want to know from you
is what day exactly
you're letting me out,
so I can tell them when I can start.
Yes.
Well, that was the other thing
I wanted to talk to you about.
Your GP has been on to me.
They asked him for a medical reference
and he needed a psychiatric assessment.
And...
And I told him the truth.
Mr MacKinnon,
I know this must be painful,
but Systems Analyst is
a very responsible position,
and you're simply not able
to take on that kind of responsibility.
But, perhaps by way of compensation,
I have decided to take you on myself as
one of my personal long-term patients.
Didn't know I was long-term ill.
You suffer from schizophrenia,
which is a long-term illness.
Not always.
In your case, I believe it is.
From now on, I will be
in personal charge of your care.
And I promise you, I'll do my very best
to keep it under control.
(VOICE ECHOING)
It's something
you're just going to have to live with,
like insulin-dependent diabetes.
(LAUGHING)
Diabetics can get a job.
I'm sorry, Mr MacKinnon.
(VOICES IN FERGUS' HEAD WHISPERING)
(SCREAMS)
Fergus, what are you doing?
I'm installing the new mixer.
They'll just take it back.
Not this time.
'Cause I've screwed it to the desk.
They'll have to take the desk apart,
and they'll need an electrician
to do it.
Has something happened about the job?
Mmm-hmm.
They renewed your section?
No, they're letting me out.
They're letting me out
to sit in my room,
they're letting me out
to watch the television.
Fergus, please.
How come you're not starting the job?
Because they needed a medical reference
and Hollis told them
I'm just a fucking loon.
Well, that's it then. Finished.
Fergus, don't go. Next time
we'll get you a medical reference.
If Eddie can be your boss,
he can be your doctor.
Oh, Fergus, don't go.
Eddie and Campbell will be back soon.
Where are you going?
Out for some air.
Fergus, please don't go!
Open the door! Open the door!
Somebody open the door!
- Francine!
- Fergus is gone!
Fergus is always going out, Francine.
He's gonna do something.
I've got to go after him!
He'll be all right!
Eddie! Fergus is gone!
He's not got a job any more.
Hollis told them he was a loony!
- Would you leave her?
- He's gonna do something.
I saw him on the ledge,
he's heading for the tower, I know it!
(FRANCINE CRYING)
He'll be all right. He will.
Oh, Jesus.
Fergus!
Is Fergus dead?
Aye.
McTavish is pregnant, is he not?
Aye.
(FOOL ON THE HILL PLAYING)