Takin' Over the Asylum (1994–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - You Always Hurt the One You Love - full transcript
(DANCING IN THE STREETPLAYING)
This is Street Radio keeping you,
you dancing in the street.
And if you like
what you've heard so far,
then come and sign the petition
which says,
"We, the undersigned, would like
Campbell Bain and Ready-Eddie McKenna
"to be given their own show
on local radio."
And make us the first DJs
in radio history
to go professional by popular demand.
Here's an anonymous dedication
to Debbie,
who works in the travel centre
just across from us,
from a secret admirer who could
show you what love is, yeah.
(DO YA THINKI'M SEXYPLAYING)
All right, Debbie. It's that wee
baldy guy in the blue anorak.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
(SWITCHES OFF)
Right. Party's over.
You're busking without a permit
and youse have got
one minute to clear off.
A permit?
Are you telling me
that we need a permit to dance?
ALL: No!
- Do we need a permit to boogie?
- No!
We are here to boogie
and we shall not be moved!
(ALL CHEERING)
- What are you doing?
- I told you it would work.
We got a genuine incident going here.
We are going to be in the papers.
We're going to be in jail, Campbell.
(SIRENS WAILING)
Now we just merge quietly into the crowd
and then leg it.
(RUNAWAYPLAYING)
That was Runaway and this is Ready-Eddie
standing in for Campbell Bain,
who's run away.
So, if you're out there and
Campbell Bain is sitting next to you,
smoking a fag and having a wee blether
with your invisible voices,
tell him to...
(BABYCOME BACKPLAYING)
Is it seven already?
It's quarter past.
Where the hell have you been?
Rosalie and I got an afternoon pass.
We staged a publicity stunt.
A road show,
right in the middle of Argyle Street
and the police even came to break it up.
Are you going to tell me
that is not front page news?
- What papers did you invite?
- Invite?
You mean, we have to invite them?
Well, does that not
slightly...
cheapen it?
Campbell, this station is falling apart.
If something doesnae happen soon,
we'll not have a station to publicise.
(STATIC FEEDBACK)
In the past 15 minutes, yet another
channel and a mixer has blown.
If I don't get any good news from Evelyn
tomorrow about a new mixer,
we may have to stop
broadcasting altogether.
You want to go professional?
Rule one, turn up for your show.
Sorry, Eddie.
How did you not realise
that channel was gonnae blow?
- How was it not checked?
- Sorry, Eddie.
And what about you?
You're the Station Manager.
It's your job to make sure
the show goes out.
Sorry, Eddie.
Anyway. The record is almost finished.
I've got to go to work.
Let's just try to see
a wee bit of discipline
and professionalism around here, huh?
No problem.
- Right.
- Quiet. We are going on air now.
# Hospital radio, St Jude's #
That was Baby Come Back,
coming at you from 1968.
- Quiet!
- Rosalie!
Oh, it's you.
- You're early.
- Aye. I went to see the doc.
You going loony as well, then?
I went to see him about you.
You shouldn't smoke, Jim,
I keep telling you.
- So?
- So you should stop.
Anyway, I have some good news.
I'm sure we'd all like to hear
some good news.
- I'm ready to go home now.
- Oh, you are, eh?
I made some lists.
First, kitchen.
Wash dishes, clean sinks.
Put stuff down drain,
wash pipes under sink,
clean cupboard under sink.
- This is my sink list, see...
- Jesus Christ!
This is you ready to come home?
Look at you. You're off your head.
Look at the clothes you've got on.
You've got three sets of clothes
you've been wearing for 12 years.
I've got to be careful about clothes.
What do you reckon folk think
when they see the state of you?
I don't care what folk think.
Here. Present.
Ma picked 'em out for you.
Your size, just your colour.
I can't wear these.
There might be chemicals, germs.
There's nae chemicals.
There's nae germs.
There's only something wrong
in your heid, hen.
- I won't wear them.
- Listen.
I've had 12 years of your lists
and your cleaning binges.
You're coming in here
and not getting any better.
Twelve years when I got to my work,
I take the biro out of my pocket,
it smells of bloody Dettol.
You never know who's been using
your pen before you.
I've been using my pen afore me.
I've bought you these nice clothes
and I want to see you wearing them
the next time I come.
'Cause all this is gonnae stop.
And you're not coming home next time
till your right in your head.
Understand?
You haven't given me
my pocket money, Jim.
What? So's you can spend it on
your disinfectants and your sprays?
- Nae chance.
- How would you want me to be?
- Like you were afore.
- How can I?
You'll look nice in them clothes.
You'll thank me for this one day.
(YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE
PLAYING)
Oh, hello! Well...
Good evening, salesmen and salesladies
of the month.
Will somebody stop that bloody row,
for God's sake.
Just pull the plug, you morons.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(ALL CHUCKLING)
I just wanted to draw attention
to one of our greatest
sales success stories.
I'm speaking to you about a lad
who came into my office
only two short months ago
and asked for a chance to sell windows.
He didn't have experience.
He didn't have a bloody clue about
the replacement window business.
But do you know what he did have?
- Lavery.
- Guts, sir?
Don't be so daft.
- Webster?
- Determination and tenacity, sir.
That's two things and
you were wrong both times.
- MacAteer?
- Positive mental attitude, sir.
Good lad. Did you hear that?
From the lips of our top salesman,
John MacAteer.
He knows it. I know it.
And this young salesman knew it.
So let's have a big welcome
for our newest Salesman of the Month,
Edward McKenna.
Come up, man. Come up.
The District Council
wants us to tender for a job
on a sheltered accommodation scheme.
Just a taster, but if we make it
onto the approved list...
I'll get on it tomorrow morning.
Well, actually, MacAteer, I was thinking
of giving it to our rising star here.
What about it, McKenna? Are you ready
to play ball with the big boys?
Eddie, I completely forgot.
Just been snowed under with this
Community Open Day next week.
The administrator's very keen
on these outreach initiatives.
- Have you met Dr Winter?
- Not yet.
It's her idea to get
the radio station going again.
She's a woman of ideas, all right.
She wants to introduce group therapy
into the Acute Wards.
Most of the doctors think
it's a waste of time, anyway.
Where would we get the trained staff,
even if we could afford them?
What happened at the board meeting?
No can do, I'm afraid.
But the mixer's down to two channels.
I'm sorry, Eddie, but the feeling was
that if the radio station
can't be run with
the existing equipment,
- then it's a luxury we can't afford.
- But...
It means a lot to the patients.
Well, so would group therapy,
but, between you and me, I don't think
that's going to happen, either.
Listen, I must dash.
Lady Chalmers is going to be
guest of honour at the Open Day
and I've got to meet with the Friends
of St Jude's to make the arrangements.
Which reminds me.
Dr Winter wanted to know if you wanted
to do anything for Open Day.
I'll ask the others.
Tell me, are the others
all still patients?
- Aye.
- Just wondered.
How bad is it?
We're getting nothing.
They're afraid we may be
a luxury they cannae afford.
But they do want to know if we want to
do something for the Open Day next week.
- What do you think?
- They can't do this.
How long can we keep going?
- Few months, or...
- Few days.
They are nipping my
brilliant career in the bud.
They want rid of you, you know.
Oh, aye?
That's how they do things in here.
They never say, "You cannae do that",
or, "You cannae have that",
but you cannae.
If you want to put
a poster up by your bed,
they'll tell you there's no Blu-Tack.
If you find some Blu-Tack,
they'll tell you it'll damage the paint.
If you get some paint, they'll tell you
the colour doesnae match.
They never actually stop you, but,
somehow you just stop.
CAMPBELL: Well, not this time.
Eddie, you tell them that, yes, we do
want to do something for the Open Day.
We are going to run a fundraiser
to buy a new mixing desk.
How?
I see a Hospital Radio Road Show
on a flatbed lorry.
I see music and dancing.
- I see reporters.
- I see no money, Campbell.
Well, we'll charge to play
requests and dedications.
And then, we will pull off one
absolutely brilliant publicity stunt
that will blaze its colours
across every newspaper in Scotland.
- Such as?
- I don't know.
I could go up
on the roof of the hospital
and threaten to jump unless the punters
give us enough to buy a new mixer.
- Aye, but they might want you to jump.
- Well, I'll threaten not to jump
unless the punters give us enough
to buy a new mixer.
Campbell, they are not going to let you
threaten to jump off the hospital roof
for their Mental Health Week Open Day.
That was only my first idea.
Come on, Fergus, Rosalie.
We got to mobilise the troops.
Hospital radio must survive.
Rosalie, what are you doing?
- Just writing a list.
- Come on.
I want to train as a DJ.
Rosalie Garrity.
My name is Dr Cairns.
I'm sorry. Please come in.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, now, Mrs Garrity.
You've been with us, what,
- six weeks now.
- That's right.
Tell me,
- do you know why you're here?
- I do.
Why are you here?
- I thought you were the doctor.
- I am the doctor.
Then, how do you not know why I'm here?
Mrs Garrity, I'll be frank with you.
In my clinical opinion, there is
no longer any reason to keep you here.
- Well, I'll be away, then.
- No, no, no. Please. Sit down.
Now, as I'm sure you're aware,
your husband
is not prepared for you to go home
again without certain guarantees.
How would you feel about
having your medication
by long-acting injection in the future?
All right.
Is there anybody else that
you could stay with for the moment?
A relative or a friend, maybe?
Can I not just stay here?
No, you can't, Mrs Garrity.
What about your son?
You had a son, didn't you?
Robert or Robbie.
Aye. I had a son.
Well, I'll see if I can
set up a meeting with you
and Mr Garrity.
We'll try and work something out,
shall we?
Fellow inmates.
I suppose you're all wondering
why I've asked you here today.
Just get on with your bid.
Well, remember what life
here was like before hospital radio.
- Aye. A lot quieter.
- You're right, Hector.
Hospital radio has
brought us music. Laughter.
Got us dancing in the corridors.
Before that, the most
excitement we got here
was listening to you fart
God Save the Queen
or waiting for Myra,
the catatonic, to blink.
Is that where you want to go back to?
- Is it?
- No.
Well...
Unless we can raise the dosh
to buy a new mixer,
that's all there's
going to be around here.
What's a mixer?
- Shh!
- But with your help
we are going to be holding
a fundraiser at the Open Day.
We are going to be staging
a Hospital Radio Road Show
through a five kilowatt PA
on a flatbed lorry in the courtyard.
And we're gonna need volunteers
to help set up and run the show,
to help rattle tins, but most of all,
to help with the main
fundraising event of the day,
- the Loony Pools.
- The Loony Pools?
We're going to be handing out coupons
like this one with details
of the contestants,
half loonies, half boring folk,
who will be assigned numbers,
one to 24 by lottery.
Two loonies in a pair is a score
draw of three points, but,
if only the odd-numbered
contestant is a loony,
then it's a home win, one point.
If only the even numbered
contestant is a loony,
then it's an away win,
one and a half points.
If neither of them are loonies,
it's a no score draw of two points.
A pound a line, best of eight,
high score wins
five dividends of cheap prizes.
What?
Basically, Spot the Loony.
Now, volunteers.
- Aye. I'll volunteer.
- Me as well.
That's the spirit.
Because we are going to show them.
We are loonies and we are proud. Say it.
ALL: We are loonies and we are proud.
We are loonies and we are proud.
- Now. Any questions?
- Aye.
Can I go to the toilet?
Away you go. Any other questions?
Where is this flatbed lorry coming from?
That's a detail we haven't worked
out yet. But we're working on it.
So, who's bringing this
massive PA, then?
Well, that's another detail
we've not sorted out yet.
What exactly have you sorted out so far?
Well, Sandy in the kitchen's been
saving us some tins to rattle.
Oh, come on. Have some faith.
I thought everybody liked
my God Save the Queen.
We can still rattle tins, eh?
(THE PARTY'S OVER PLAYING)
Hello.
I've come for my DJ lesson.
Aye. Come in. Have a seat.
My mother used to say
if you drink spirits in the afternoon,
you're an alcoholic.
But then, she thought if you drink
anything including shandy any time
including weddings and funerals,
you were an alcoholic.
Don't.
Use an ashtray, huh?
Are you going to have to shut
the station down now?
Not yet.
What will you do
if you have to shut down?
Don't know.
Spend some more time with my family.
You haven't got family.
Throw myself into my work.
What do you do, anyway?
I'm a double glazing salesman.
You cannae be a double glazing
salesman, Eddie.
You've not got a killer mentality.
I'll have you know I was
salesman of the month last month.
Jesus!
What were the other salesmen like?
Well, do you like it?
What do you think?
- Are all those yours?
- Oh, aye.
That's just a wee slice
of the whole collection.
Mostly original recordings.
First single I bought was
Night Has a Thousand Eyes by Bobby Vee
when I was about 11.
It cost me two weeks' pocket money.
Must have nearly 1200 records by now.
Elvis Presley. The Beatles.
Aretha Franklin. Otis Redding.
Nothing since then
has touched this music, you know.
- Aye.
- And it all came back into fashion,
just like I knew it would.
I used to send demos, you know,
to radio stations.
Suddenly, about six years ago,
when it all started coming back in,
I got a call from this guy
at Radio Clyde
who said he was really interested
in what I was doing.
I thought, "This is it.
"This is the break
I've been waiting for all my life."
- And?
- And the guy got another job.
He moved down to London or something.
Tried to phone the guy
who took his place, but
he was in a meeting.
Well, did you not phone back?
Aye. But the meeting apparently
went on for about six months.
How do you drink that much, Eddie?
Do I?
To forget.
To forget what?
I forget.
How do you keep burning yourself
with cigarettes?
I don't think anyone's
ever asked me that before.
Some things can only be burned out.
We're going to have to do
something about McTavish, Eddie.
- Who?
- The cat.
He's getting that fat. If he tucks
his legs in, he could be a football.
It's nae good for McTavish
to be that fat, you know.
Francine.
You must know that McTavish,
- she's pregnant.
- Don't say that.
I'm not going to stay here
if you say that.
I'm not going to stay here.
Then I won't say it.
Good.
Well, which button do I press first?
- Rosalie, what are you doing?
- Just making a list.
It's after midnight.
You should be in your bed.
I was just going. And don't touch that.
It's mine.
Campbell.
Are you awake?
Jesus!
- What'd you do that for?
- I wanted to know if you was awake.
Well, I am now.
What do you want?
I've been making some lists, Campbell.
You're always making lists.
But these ones are for you.
Road haulage companies
in the Greater Glasgow area.
All right, well, thanks, Rosalie.
I'm sure I'll find this very useful.
'Cause they are bound to have
flatbed lorries in their fleet.
Someone'll loan you one,
I reckon, it is for charity.
And that's a list of
PA hire and sales companies.
Could have some luck there.
And this is a list of local merchants
who might donate prizes
for your loony pools.
You can recruit most of your
non-loonies from the staff,
but you'll have to be dead careful,
'cause some of the staff
aren't exactly certified non-loonies.
This is a list of staff bulletin boards
in the hospital.
It can be done.
You've cracked it, Rosalie.
Wait. Oh, sorry.
Listen. You couldn't do
something for me, could you?
Aye, anything.
You couldn't just put this
in your locker and then forget about it.
- What's in it?
- It's some new clothes Jim brought me.
Why do you want to put that
in my locker?
So I could pretend I lost them,
then I wouldn't have to wear them.
You don't want to wear them,
don't wear them.
Jim says I can't go home
unless I wear them.
And they want to give me drugs
so I can't keep me head straight
to defend myself from the germs.
I'm down to my last bottle of Dettol.
But Jim won't let me buy any more.
And the doctor says...
Now don't let them push you around,
Rosalie. Stand up to them.
- How?
- You just say...
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not gonna take
any more of this crapola.
- I couldn't do that.
- Why not?
I'm not American.
Aye, but it sounds brilliant
when they say it in the films.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not gonna take
any more of this crapola.
(IN HER NORMAL VOICE) I'm not going to
take any more of this crapola.
You're gonna have to work on the accent.
(IN LABOURED AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not
going to take any more of this crapola.
That's the spirit.
What am I gonna do with these clothes?
- Chuck them. Burn them.
- I couldn't do that, Robbie.
Give 'em to Mad John the pyromaniac.
He'll take care of them.
Did you just call me Robbie?
Maybe I'll just put them
under my mattress.
(IN LITHUANIAN ACCENT) Where you go?
I've got a sales presentation
this morning.
You don't have breakfast?
I had some coffee. I've left some
money on the table for the gas bill.
It was Lithuanian club last night.
I'm sorry. I had to talk to Griffin
about this district council tender.
All night I wait and you don't come,
why you think I go?
I thought you liked to speak Lithuanian.
Speak? All night I listen
to Mrs Prackhauskas speak,
about her children, her grandchildren.
About her visit she made to Lithuania,
everybody these days, she says,
makes visit to Lithuania.
Mrs Prackhauskas is a snob.
How do you keep talking to her?
Because she has three granddaughters.
Very young, very pretty, no married.
You meet them?
- Any of them near-sighted or stupid?
- No.
Well, I think we should forget it.
Look, I've got to go.
- When you come home?
- I don't know.
I've got to go in the station today.
- I'm training a new DJ, she's keen...
- She?
Yeah, aye...
- Look, I'm gonna be late.
- She what age?
- I don't know, 28, 29.
- Well, she married?
- I didnae ask. Don't think so.
- Oh, this is wonderful news.
You must ask her to come tomorrow
and meet me.
- She cannae come tomorrow.
- Okay, then next day.
- She needs permission first.
- Oh, she's peasant lass.
- You ask father first.
- She's a patient!
This lassie. She's crazy one?
Aye.
Look, we're having Open Day Saturday,
how'd you not come?
Just go! Go!
- I give up.
- Listen.
If I make this sale, I'll buy you
one of those wee televisions you wanted.
You can watch Blind Date in the bath.
I don't want television.
I want to make visit
like Mrs Prackhauskas.
(FOR ONCE IN MYLIFE PLAYING)
Fergus! What are you doing?
Just pledging my kidneys.
Come on, you!
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Just to remind you
that tomorrow,
St Jude's Hospital Radio Road Show
is gonna roll into Open Day.
We need your help to raise money
for a new mixer.
Without it, hospital radio
will soon sound like this.
(SILENCE ON AIR)
So come along and show your friends,
your relations and the local community
that we are loonies and we are proud.
- Jesus! What's all this?
- You're late.
Sorry, I was working.
Here's your list.
You better get started
or you'll never get through it.
"Go to car, put key in ignition.
- "Drive to Hot Jam PA Hire."
- There's your address.
"Collect speakers, put in car,
drive back, take key from ignition."
Rosalie is nothing if not thorough.
- Francine, isn't that banner ready yet?
- Just finished.
And then I have to help Fergus
cord the leads.
- Just give me a minute.
- A minute?
You're only halfway down your list
and it's nearly 8:00.
And you. Don't just stand there
like a dead sheep. Go to your car.
And what are you doing?
- I'm in the middle of my show.
- Okay, but hurry up.
- Rosalie.
- Can you not see I am busy?
Your husband's just arrived.
Dr Cairns can see you now.
I'll be there in a minute.
I can't stop long.
What was that?
Power corrupts,
but absolute power corrupts every loony.
- Did she organise all this?
- Aye.
By tomorrow night, this hospital
isnae gonna know what hit it.
And by Monday morning,
the Loony Pools is gonna be
all over every newspaper in Glasgow,
paving the way to our career
in professional radio.
Fergus faxed the press releases
this morning.
Aye, well, just
don't be too disappointed
if the press don't show up. Okay?
What do you mean?
It's just that there's nothing
all that newsworthy
about a bunch of loonies
staging a stunt at an Open Day.
But it's Mental Health Week.
Well, I gave up smoking
on National No Smoking Day,
but they didn't put my name
in the paper.
I better get these speakers.
Listen, Campbell.
If we just raise enough money to buy
a cheap nasty second-hand mixer
to keep the station going,
that will be enough for me.
Yeah, well, that's your trouble, Eddie.
You aim low every time.
Yeah, but I reach my goals.
JIM: She's no ready.
You don't know
what it's like living with her.
Your wife is suffering
from a compulsive illness, Mr Garrity,
and if she forgets to take
her medication while she's at home...
Forget! Aye.
She often forgets not to throw it
in the lavvy at the first opportunity.
I think the simple solution
is for your wife to have her medication
by long-acting injection,
so she wouldn't have to remember
to take tablets.
What does she think about that?
Mrs Garrity.
I think he should give me
my pocket money.
I'm nearly out of Dettol...
See that? And we were trying to have
a rational conversation here
and she's just landed
a spaceship on planet Dettol.
She's completely out of control
and you're trying to dump
your problem on me.
What I'm trying to do
is find a solution.
If I've told 'em once,
I've told 'em a hundred times,
the solution is stronger drugs.
Four year ago,
when Dr Paterson was in charge,
they gave her stronger drugs
and she was just fine.
Just fine until some bright spark got
the idea she'd be okay on a lower dose.
Well, she's not.
You can't stop me coming home
to my own house.
I'll change the locks.
I'll screw the windows shut.
'Cause you're not coming home
until you're under control.
Mr Garrity, I know you're upset.
But if you refuse
to have your wife home,
I can't keep her here
more than a few weeks.
After that, until we could find her
a place in supported accommodation,
and there's a three- to four-month
waiting list.
She could end up in
bed and breakfast accommodation,
sharing kitchen and bathroom facilities
with other disturbed people
who may not mind so much
if the toilet isn't flushed
or their feet tend to stick
to the kitchen floor.
This could have a catastrophic effect
on your wife's condition.
Is that what you want?
I cannae cope any more. I just cannae.
And what you're saying is that,
were we to increase
your wife's medication,
- you'd feel better able to cope at home?
- Aye.
If you guarantee she'd take it.
How would you feel about that?
All right, then.
Okay.
We'll try a new dosage by injection,
and we'll see where we are
in a week's time, shall we?
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Yeah.
- I wore the dress, Jim.
- Aye. Very nice.
You don't have to do this
if you don't want to.
You're a voluntary patient.
No, I want to do it.
You couldn't just wait till Monday
to give me this injection, though,
- I've a lot of things to do.
- Of course.
I've got to, Fergus.
The day's entertainment
is reaching its climax.
The last two contestants
mount the stage.
The audience mark their coupons,
they hand them in, when suddenly,
a swarm of photographers surge forward
because it turns out
that one of the contestants
was none other than
Spike Milligan.
The greatest manic-depressive
of our time.
Spike Milligan?
Seven out of ten folk
will probably think he's a patient.
What a news story, eh? What a scoop!
There's only two things
wrong with that, Campbell.
First, how are you gonna get
Spike Milligan
to appear in your Loony Pools
for tomorrow afternoon?
Well, a pal of mine's
girlfriend's sister
went to university with his grandson.
Second, everybody knows
what he looks like.
Good point. We need to disguise him.
What are you doing,
wearing that horrible dress?
- What's going on?
- These are the speakers you sent for.
You can't bring these in here yet.
I haven't cleaned them.
- Take them out.
- We're going, we're going.
It's gone.
- I'll get a mop.
- That was my last bottle.
- It's okay, it's okay.
- What am I gonna do?
There's germs, there's germs...
Eddie's gonna get you some more
from the late-night shop.
- Where's the late-night shop?
- Fergus'll show you.
I've escaped twice today already.
Germs kill. And they're everywhere.
Look, do you want them to come
and sedate her? Go!
Germs kill. Do you not understand?
Germs kill.
Robbie got sick.
Jim said I wasn't washing
the lettuce properly,
so I washed it and washed it.
But he was still sick. Jim said
it was 'cause the floors was dirty,
so I washed them and washed them.
But Robbie stayed sick.
Jim said it was the drains,
the toilet, the sinks.
The dirty washing.
The cutting board, the kitchen knives.
I made lists of all the places the germs
could be. I washed everything.
But Robbie stayed sick
until he died.
I never managed to kill all those germs.
What did he die of?
Leukaemia.
Oh, Rosalie...
Jim worshipped that lad.
He hasn't been the same since.
Oh, well, well, McKenna.
I understand congratulations
are in order.
- How?
- You made your sale.
District Council's
just accepted your tender.
- Really?
- Quite a coup, eh?
And a hefty wee commission in the bank.
Oh, well, I just tendered
what Griffin told me.
Oh, now, now.
You know what your problem is, McKenna?
You've got an inferiority complex.
Which may have something to do
with the fact that you are inferior.
Because let me tell you this.
Anybody could have made that sale.
My great aunty Betty, who cannae see
or speak since she had a stroke
could have made that sale.
Sounds that she could have
used the commission.
Griffin may be a daft prat,
but it willnae escape
even his notice sooner or later
that you're a useless waster
that couldnae give away Pink Lady
to a street corner drunk,
never mind sell it to him.
Just watch your back, McKenna.
(DAY TRIPPER PLAYING)
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: This is for
all you day trippers out there
who came to find out
what it's like to be loony for a day.
So, if you've just arrived,
get on your straitjacket,
plonk yourself under
the nearest electrical socket,
and get on down.
Big Girls Don't Cry, The Four Seasons.
- All Kinds of Everything...
- You're going too fast.
You're just finding too slow.
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Yes, it's time again
to separate the loonies
from the boring folk.
So get ready to mark your 'X',
boys and girls,
because if you're one of
our lucky winners today,
you may walk out of here
with one of our fabulous prizes.
Which if you happen to be
on a Section 26,
means somebody'll come
and bring you right back again.
You could win a teddy bear, a dancing
Coke can, a bottle of cheap sherry,
a fruitcake or
a week's supply of cat food.
We wanted to give away a colour telly
and a portable Jacuzzi,
but they wouldnae trust us
with anything electrical.
- Rosalie, Mark's not here.
- What?
He's supposed to be contestant 22,
but they discharged him this morning.
- You have to take his place, then.
- No, I couldnae.
You're right. They'd know straight away
you was one of the loonies.
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Ladies and gentlemen,
loonies and loonettes.
Fergus, get up there.
Please welcome our next pair
of contestants. Numbers 21 and 22.
Now, Fergus. And you, help Eddie
sort out these requests, will you?
CAMPBELL ON RADIO:
Spot the loonies, day trippers.
Have a good wee look,
while I play you this dedication
from all the folk on Ward 11
to all the nice residents
of the surrounding community.
(LAZYSUNDAYPLAYING)
A Whiter Shade of Pale, Procol Harum.
- My Way, Frank Sinatra.
- Somebody broke it.
Johnny B. Goode, then.
I like Johnny B. Goode.
- I cannae find A Whiter Shade of Pale.
- It's not in "A"s, it's in the "W"s.
But its A Whiter Shade of Pale,
it begins with an "A"...
Oh, God, they're all out of order now.
Rosalie. That bastard caretaker just
said we've to unplug our gear at 4:00.
Everything's plugged in at
the power point in his wee room,
and he's gonnae unplug us
so as he can lock up.
Oh, perfect, that's just perfect.
All right, Hector, you spin them
so you can find them back.
- What about the requests?
- Okay, everybody,
no more requests between the letters
"A" and "H", you got that?
- Eddie, go and get us some electric.
- What?
Try the offices, try the ward.
Here's a list of all the power supplies
in the hospital.
- Now go!
- Why does it have to be me?
Do you think they're going to give
their electricity to a loony?
- You've got five minutes.
- My show's about to start.
There's not gonna be a show
without electric. Now, go!
Bribe them, if you need to.
But who's gonna take his show?
Francine, this is your big moment.
- Oh, no!
- Rosalie!
Danny and Mary have eaten
one of the prizes.
- Which one?
- The fruitcake.
Well, at least it wasn't the teddy.
I'm not going to take the show,
I'm not ready.
Rosalie, I've got someone here
I'd like you to meet.
You're gonna have to wait your turn.
You see those stalls over there?
There's a list of every stall
and what they're selling.
- Away you go and buy a fruitcake.
- Rosalie, are you listening to me?
You did it before, you can do it again.
Well, that's just about all
from me this afternoon.
Does "l" come before "L"
or does "L" come before "l"?
ROSALIE: "l" comes before "L".
What happened to Eddie?
He's gone in to find us some electric.
If he doesn't find it in
the next two minutes,
the caretaker's pulling the plug.
They can't do this. I haven't been a
contestant in the Loony Pools yet.
I can see the audience, Fergus.
- You'll be fine.
- Does "S" come before "T"?
Could you help him with his alphabet?
- I know you're busy, but I just want...
- Can you not see I'm busy?
Right, your time's up.
I'm locking up now.
If you pull that plug, you're pulling
the plug on my whole career.
It's Open Day, for Christ's sake!
Just another day for me.
I've got it.
If "The" is the first word,
should it not go into the "T"s?
Rosalie, I didnae find a fruitcake,
but I found some sandwiches.
Good. Prizes there.
Hello. This is the fabulous Francine.
- Rosalie?
- What? What do you want?
Rosalie, I'm Lady Sarah Chalmers.
Patron of the Friends of St Jude.
Sorry. Sweaty hands.
I can see how busy you are. But I just
wanted to congratulate you personally
on what a splendid job you've done
in helping to make this Open Day
such a success.
Thank you.
It's not a very trendy cause,
working with the mentally ill.
Believe me, I know.
But you're a marvel, Rosalie.
However did you organise
something so vast?
I... made lists.
And it's time once again
for the Loony Pools.
- Just a small contribution.
- Thank you so much.
So get ready to mark your 'X"
for the last time,
as I give you contestants number
23 and 24.
- You decided to come.
- She is nice lass.
For the final time,
can you spot the loony?
How you don't ask her for date?
She's the one I was telling you about.
The new DJ I'm training.
She doesnae look crazy.
Do I know that guy?
Can we have one without
the glasses, Mr Milligan?
Curse, I knew
the disguise wouldn't work.
- Try acting loonier.
- What?
For that, I want money.
Did you mind being asked to play
Spot the Loony, Mr Milligan?
(SPEAKING SLOWLY) No, I do not
mind being asked to play Spot the Loony.
But I object to being called Spot.
He did it!
The wee bastard got Spike Milligan!
Oh, hello.
You've still got your Dettol.
Fergus bought me a new bottle.
It was really kind of him.
You should have come to the Open Day
on Saturday, Jim.
We had music and dancing
and Spike Milligan was there.
I'm not 100?% sure who he is,
but he's dead famous, so he is.
- Where's your new dress?
- It's burnt.
- You burnt it?
- No!
But I did give it to
Mad John the pyromaniac,
and I think he burned it.
- You had your injection yet?
- No, I told them I didn't want it.
You're not coming home
if you've not had that injection.
Aye. I know.
But I'm not going to take
any more of this crapola.
What?
I told them, and I'm telling you.
I'm not going to take
any more of this crapola.
Where did you get that from?
I think it's from an American film.
Robbie always liked those
American films, didn't he?
Aye.
I still miss him, Jim.
Aye.
EDDIE: I'd like to thank
all of you who turned out
to support the team
for Open Day on Saturday.
And having raised
a grand total of ?643.67
plus an anonymous donation of ?500 from
somebody with a lot of musical taste.
We are still in business.
You all deserve a big hand.
(I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND PLAYING)
Fergus. What have you done?
Just popped out for the papers.
- Well?
- We're in.
- Yes.
- Daily Record.
Evening Times, The Herald.
"Just a pair of loony goons."
"Spike Milligan with Campbell Bain
of St Jude's Hospital Radio."
We've done it. We're on our way!
- Campbell, you are a genius.
- Genius.
She's the genius.
Rosalie, we're on our way. Sorry.
This is Street Radio keeping you,
you dancing in the street.
And if you like
what you've heard so far,
then come and sign the petition
which says,
"We, the undersigned, would like
Campbell Bain and Ready-Eddie McKenna
"to be given their own show
on local radio."
And make us the first DJs
in radio history
to go professional by popular demand.
Here's an anonymous dedication
to Debbie,
who works in the travel centre
just across from us,
from a secret admirer who could
show you what love is, yeah.
(DO YA THINKI'M SEXYPLAYING)
All right, Debbie. It's that wee
baldy guy in the blue anorak.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
(SWITCHES OFF)
Right. Party's over.
You're busking without a permit
and youse have got
one minute to clear off.
A permit?
Are you telling me
that we need a permit to dance?
ALL: No!
- Do we need a permit to boogie?
- No!
We are here to boogie
and we shall not be moved!
(ALL CHEERING)
- What are you doing?
- I told you it would work.
We got a genuine incident going here.
We are going to be in the papers.
We're going to be in jail, Campbell.
(SIRENS WAILING)
Now we just merge quietly into the crowd
and then leg it.
(RUNAWAYPLAYING)
That was Runaway and this is Ready-Eddie
standing in for Campbell Bain,
who's run away.
So, if you're out there and
Campbell Bain is sitting next to you,
smoking a fag and having a wee blether
with your invisible voices,
tell him to...
(BABYCOME BACKPLAYING)
Is it seven already?
It's quarter past.
Where the hell have you been?
Rosalie and I got an afternoon pass.
We staged a publicity stunt.
A road show,
right in the middle of Argyle Street
and the police even came to break it up.
Are you going to tell me
that is not front page news?
- What papers did you invite?
- Invite?
You mean, we have to invite them?
Well, does that not
slightly...
cheapen it?
Campbell, this station is falling apart.
If something doesnae happen soon,
we'll not have a station to publicise.
(STATIC FEEDBACK)
In the past 15 minutes, yet another
channel and a mixer has blown.
If I don't get any good news from Evelyn
tomorrow about a new mixer,
we may have to stop
broadcasting altogether.
You want to go professional?
Rule one, turn up for your show.
Sorry, Eddie.
How did you not realise
that channel was gonnae blow?
- How was it not checked?
- Sorry, Eddie.
And what about you?
You're the Station Manager.
It's your job to make sure
the show goes out.
Sorry, Eddie.
Anyway. The record is almost finished.
I've got to go to work.
Let's just try to see
a wee bit of discipline
and professionalism around here, huh?
No problem.
- Right.
- Quiet. We are going on air now.
# Hospital radio, St Jude's #
That was Baby Come Back,
coming at you from 1968.
- Quiet!
- Rosalie!
Oh, it's you.
- You're early.
- Aye. I went to see the doc.
You going loony as well, then?
I went to see him about you.
You shouldn't smoke, Jim,
I keep telling you.
- So?
- So you should stop.
Anyway, I have some good news.
I'm sure we'd all like to hear
some good news.
- I'm ready to go home now.
- Oh, you are, eh?
I made some lists.
First, kitchen.
Wash dishes, clean sinks.
Put stuff down drain,
wash pipes under sink,
clean cupboard under sink.
- This is my sink list, see...
- Jesus Christ!
This is you ready to come home?
Look at you. You're off your head.
Look at the clothes you've got on.
You've got three sets of clothes
you've been wearing for 12 years.
I've got to be careful about clothes.
What do you reckon folk think
when they see the state of you?
I don't care what folk think.
Here. Present.
Ma picked 'em out for you.
Your size, just your colour.
I can't wear these.
There might be chemicals, germs.
There's nae chemicals.
There's nae germs.
There's only something wrong
in your heid, hen.
- I won't wear them.
- Listen.
I've had 12 years of your lists
and your cleaning binges.
You're coming in here
and not getting any better.
Twelve years when I got to my work,
I take the biro out of my pocket,
it smells of bloody Dettol.
You never know who's been using
your pen before you.
I've been using my pen afore me.
I've bought you these nice clothes
and I want to see you wearing them
the next time I come.
'Cause all this is gonnae stop.
And you're not coming home next time
till your right in your head.
Understand?
You haven't given me
my pocket money, Jim.
What? So's you can spend it on
your disinfectants and your sprays?
- Nae chance.
- How would you want me to be?
- Like you were afore.
- How can I?
You'll look nice in them clothes.
You'll thank me for this one day.
(YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE
PLAYING)
Oh, hello! Well...
Good evening, salesmen and salesladies
of the month.
Will somebody stop that bloody row,
for God's sake.
Just pull the plug, you morons.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(ALL CHUCKLING)
I just wanted to draw attention
to one of our greatest
sales success stories.
I'm speaking to you about a lad
who came into my office
only two short months ago
and asked for a chance to sell windows.
He didn't have experience.
He didn't have a bloody clue about
the replacement window business.
But do you know what he did have?
- Lavery.
- Guts, sir?
Don't be so daft.
- Webster?
- Determination and tenacity, sir.
That's two things and
you were wrong both times.
- MacAteer?
- Positive mental attitude, sir.
Good lad. Did you hear that?
From the lips of our top salesman,
John MacAteer.
He knows it. I know it.
And this young salesman knew it.
So let's have a big welcome
for our newest Salesman of the Month,
Edward McKenna.
Come up, man. Come up.
The District Council
wants us to tender for a job
on a sheltered accommodation scheme.
Just a taster, but if we make it
onto the approved list...
I'll get on it tomorrow morning.
Well, actually, MacAteer, I was thinking
of giving it to our rising star here.
What about it, McKenna? Are you ready
to play ball with the big boys?
Eddie, I completely forgot.
Just been snowed under with this
Community Open Day next week.
The administrator's very keen
on these outreach initiatives.
- Have you met Dr Winter?
- Not yet.
It's her idea to get
the radio station going again.
She's a woman of ideas, all right.
She wants to introduce group therapy
into the Acute Wards.
Most of the doctors think
it's a waste of time, anyway.
Where would we get the trained staff,
even if we could afford them?
What happened at the board meeting?
No can do, I'm afraid.
But the mixer's down to two channels.
I'm sorry, Eddie, but the feeling was
that if the radio station
can't be run with
the existing equipment,
- then it's a luxury we can't afford.
- But...
It means a lot to the patients.
Well, so would group therapy,
but, between you and me, I don't think
that's going to happen, either.
Listen, I must dash.
Lady Chalmers is going to be
guest of honour at the Open Day
and I've got to meet with the Friends
of St Jude's to make the arrangements.
Which reminds me.
Dr Winter wanted to know if you wanted
to do anything for Open Day.
I'll ask the others.
Tell me, are the others
all still patients?
- Aye.
- Just wondered.
How bad is it?
We're getting nothing.
They're afraid we may be
a luxury they cannae afford.
But they do want to know if we want to
do something for the Open Day next week.
- What do you think?
- They can't do this.
How long can we keep going?
- Few months, or...
- Few days.
They are nipping my
brilliant career in the bud.
They want rid of you, you know.
Oh, aye?
That's how they do things in here.
They never say, "You cannae do that",
or, "You cannae have that",
but you cannae.
If you want to put
a poster up by your bed,
they'll tell you there's no Blu-Tack.
If you find some Blu-Tack,
they'll tell you it'll damage the paint.
If you get some paint, they'll tell you
the colour doesnae match.
They never actually stop you, but,
somehow you just stop.
CAMPBELL: Well, not this time.
Eddie, you tell them that, yes, we do
want to do something for the Open Day.
We are going to run a fundraiser
to buy a new mixing desk.
How?
I see a Hospital Radio Road Show
on a flatbed lorry.
I see music and dancing.
- I see reporters.
- I see no money, Campbell.
Well, we'll charge to play
requests and dedications.
And then, we will pull off one
absolutely brilliant publicity stunt
that will blaze its colours
across every newspaper in Scotland.
- Such as?
- I don't know.
I could go up
on the roof of the hospital
and threaten to jump unless the punters
give us enough to buy a new mixer.
- Aye, but they might want you to jump.
- Well, I'll threaten not to jump
unless the punters give us enough
to buy a new mixer.
Campbell, they are not going to let you
threaten to jump off the hospital roof
for their Mental Health Week Open Day.
That was only my first idea.
Come on, Fergus, Rosalie.
We got to mobilise the troops.
Hospital radio must survive.
Rosalie, what are you doing?
- Just writing a list.
- Come on.
I want to train as a DJ.
Rosalie Garrity.
My name is Dr Cairns.
I'm sorry. Please come in.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, now, Mrs Garrity.
You've been with us, what,
- six weeks now.
- That's right.
Tell me,
- do you know why you're here?
- I do.
Why are you here?
- I thought you were the doctor.
- I am the doctor.
Then, how do you not know why I'm here?
Mrs Garrity, I'll be frank with you.
In my clinical opinion, there is
no longer any reason to keep you here.
- Well, I'll be away, then.
- No, no, no. Please. Sit down.
Now, as I'm sure you're aware,
your husband
is not prepared for you to go home
again without certain guarantees.
How would you feel about
having your medication
by long-acting injection in the future?
All right.
Is there anybody else that
you could stay with for the moment?
A relative or a friend, maybe?
Can I not just stay here?
No, you can't, Mrs Garrity.
What about your son?
You had a son, didn't you?
Robert or Robbie.
Aye. I had a son.
Well, I'll see if I can
set up a meeting with you
and Mr Garrity.
We'll try and work something out,
shall we?
Fellow inmates.
I suppose you're all wondering
why I've asked you here today.
Just get on with your bid.
Well, remember what life
here was like before hospital radio.
- Aye. A lot quieter.
- You're right, Hector.
Hospital radio has
brought us music. Laughter.
Got us dancing in the corridors.
Before that, the most
excitement we got here
was listening to you fart
God Save the Queen
or waiting for Myra,
the catatonic, to blink.
Is that where you want to go back to?
- Is it?
- No.
Well...
Unless we can raise the dosh
to buy a new mixer,
that's all there's
going to be around here.
What's a mixer?
- Shh!
- But with your help
we are going to be holding
a fundraiser at the Open Day.
We are going to be staging
a Hospital Radio Road Show
through a five kilowatt PA
on a flatbed lorry in the courtyard.
And we're gonna need volunteers
to help set up and run the show,
to help rattle tins, but most of all,
to help with the main
fundraising event of the day,
- the Loony Pools.
- The Loony Pools?
We're going to be handing out coupons
like this one with details
of the contestants,
half loonies, half boring folk,
who will be assigned numbers,
one to 24 by lottery.
Two loonies in a pair is a score
draw of three points, but,
if only the odd-numbered
contestant is a loony,
then it's a home win, one point.
If only the even numbered
contestant is a loony,
then it's an away win,
one and a half points.
If neither of them are loonies,
it's a no score draw of two points.
A pound a line, best of eight,
high score wins
five dividends of cheap prizes.
What?
Basically, Spot the Loony.
Now, volunteers.
- Aye. I'll volunteer.
- Me as well.
That's the spirit.
Because we are going to show them.
We are loonies and we are proud. Say it.
ALL: We are loonies and we are proud.
We are loonies and we are proud.
- Now. Any questions?
- Aye.
Can I go to the toilet?
Away you go. Any other questions?
Where is this flatbed lorry coming from?
That's a detail we haven't worked
out yet. But we're working on it.
So, who's bringing this
massive PA, then?
Well, that's another detail
we've not sorted out yet.
What exactly have you sorted out so far?
Well, Sandy in the kitchen's been
saving us some tins to rattle.
Oh, come on. Have some faith.
I thought everybody liked
my God Save the Queen.
We can still rattle tins, eh?
(THE PARTY'S OVER PLAYING)
Hello.
I've come for my DJ lesson.
Aye. Come in. Have a seat.
My mother used to say
if you drink spirits in the afternoon,
you're an alcoholic.
But then, she thought if you drink
anything including shandy any time
including weddings and funerals,
you were an alcoholic.
Don't.
Use an ashtray, huh?
Are you going to have to shut
the station down now?
Not yet.
What will you do
if you have to shut down?
Don't know.
Spend some more time with my family.
You haven't got family.
Throw myself into my work.
What do you do, anyway?
I'm a double glazing salesman.
You cannae be a double glazing
salesman, Eddie.
You've not got a killer mentality.
I'll have you know I was
salesman of the month last month.
Jesus!
What were the other salesmen like?
Well, do you like it?
What do you think?
- Are all those yours?
- Oh, aye.
That's just a wee slice
of the whole collection.
Mostly original recordings.
First single I bought was
Night Has a Thousand Eyes by Bobby Vee
when I was about 11.
It cost me two weeks' pocket money.
Must have nearly 1200 records by now.
Elvis Presley. The Beatles.
Aretha Franklin. Otis Redding.
Nothing since then
has touched this music, you know.
- Aye.
- And it all came back into fashion,
just like I knew it would.
I used to send demos, you know,
to radio stations.
Suddenly, about six years ago,
when it all started coming back in,
I got a call from this guy
at Radio Clyde
who said he was really interested
in what I was doing.
I thought, "This is it.
"This is the break
I've been waiting for all my life."
- And?
- And the guy got another job.
He moved down to London or something.
Tried to phone the guy
who took his place, but
he was in a meeting.
Well, did you not phone back?
Aye. But the meeting apparently
went on for about six months.
How do you drink that much, Eddie?
Do I?
To forget.
To forget what?
I forget.
How do you keep burning yourself
with cigarettes?
I don't think anyone's
ever asked me that before.
Some things can only be burned out.
We're going to have to do
something about McTavish, Eddie.
- Who?
- The cat.
He's getting that fat. If he tucks
his legs in, he could be a football.
It's nae good for McTavish
to be that fat, you know.
Francine.
You must know that McTavish,
- she's pregnant.
- Don't say that.
I'm not going to stay here
if you say that.
I'm not going to stay here.
Then I won't say it.
Good.
Well, which button do I press first?
- Rosalie, what are you doing?
- Just making a list.
It's after midnight.
You should be in your bed.
I was just going. And don't touch that.
It's mine.
Campbell.
Are you awake?
Jesus!
- What'd you do that for?
- I wanted to know if you was awake.
Well, I am now.
What do you want?
I've been making some lists, Campbell.
You're always making lists.
But these ones are for you.
Road haulage companies
in the Greater Glasgow area.
All right, well, thanks, Rosalie.
I'm sure I'll find this very useful.
'Cause they are bound to have
flatbed lorries in their fleet.
Someone'll loan you one,
I reckon, it is for charity.
And that's a list of
PA hire and sales companies.
Could have some luck there.
And this is a list of local merchants
who might donate prizes
for your loony pools.
You can recruit most of your
non-loonies from the staff,
but you'll have to be dead careful,
'cause some of the staff
aren't exactly certified non-loonies.
This is a list of staff bulletin boards
in the hospital.
It can be done.
You've cracked it, Rosalie.
Wait. Oh, sorry.
Listen. You couldn't do
something for me, could you?
Aye, anything.
You couldn't just put this
in your locker and then forget about it.
- What's in it?
- It's some new clothes Jim brought me.
Why do you want to put that
in my locker?
So I could pretend I lost them,
then I wouldn't have to wear them.
You don't want to wear them,
don't wear them.
Jim says I can't go home
unless I wear them.
And they want to give me drugs
so I can't keep me head straight
to defend myself from the germs.
I'm down to my last bottle of Dettol.
But Jim won't let me buy any more.
And the doctor says...
Now don't let them push you around,
Rosalie. Stand up to them.
- How?
- You just say...
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not gonna take
any more of this crapola.
- I couldn't do that.
- Why not?
I'm not American.
Aye, but it sounds brilliant
when they say it in the films.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not gonna take
any more of this crapola.
(IN HER NORMAL VOICE) I'm not going to
take any more of this crapola.
You're gonna have to work on the accent.
(IN LABOURED AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not
going to take any more of this crapola.
That's the spirit.
What am I gonna do with these clothes?
- Chuck them. Burn them.
- I couldn't do that, Robbie.
Give 'em to Mad John the pyromaniac.
He'll take care of them.
Did you just call me Robbie?
Maybe I'll just put them
under my mattress.
(IN LITHUANIAN ACCENT) Where you go?
I've got a sales presentation
this morning.
You don't have breakfast?
I had some coffee. I've left some
money on the table for the gas bill.
It was Lithuanian club last night.
I'm sorry. I had to talk to Griffin
about this district council tender.
All night I wait and you don't come,
why you think I go?
I thought you liked to speak Lithuanian.
Speak? All night I listen
to Mrs Prackhauskas speak,
about her children, her grandchildren.
About her visit she made to Lithuania,
everybody these days, she says,
makes visit to Lithuania.
Mrs Prackhauskas is a snob.
How do you keep talking to her?
Because she has three granddaughters.
Very young, very pretty, no married.
You meet them?
- Any of them near-sighted or stupid?
- No.
Well, I think we should forget it.
Look, I've got to go.
- When you come home?
- I don't know.
I've got to go in the station today.
- I'm training a new DJ, she's keen...
- She?
Yeah, aye...
- Look, I'm gonna be late.
- She what age?
- I don't know, 28, 29.
- Well, she married?
- I didnae ask. Don't think so.
- Oh, this is wonderful news.
You must ask her to come tomorrow
and meet me.
- She cannae come tomorrow.
- Okay, then next day.
- She needs permission first.
- Oh, she's peasant lass.
- You ask father first.
- She's a patient!
This lassie. She's crazy one?
Aye.
Look, we're having Open Day Saturday,
how'd you not come?
Just go! Go!
- I give up.
- Listen.
If I make this sale, I'll buy you
one of those wee televisions you wanted.
You can watch Blind Date in the bath.
I don't want television.
I want to make visit
like Mrs Prackhauskas.
(FOR ONCE IN MYLIFE PLAYING)
Fergus! What are you doing?
Just pledging my kidneys.
Come on, you!
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Just to remind you
that tomorrow,
St Jude's Hospital Radio Road Show
is gonna roll into Open Day.
We need your help to raise money
for a new mixer.
Without it, hospital radio
will soon sound like this.
(SILENCE ON AIR)
So come along and show your friends,
your relations and the local community
that we are loonies and we are proud.
- Jesus! What's all this?
- You're late.
Sorry, I was working.
Here's your list.
You better get started
or you'll never get through it.
"Go to car, put key in ignition.
- "Drive to Hot Jam PA Hire."
- There's your address.
"Collect speakers, put in car,
drive back, take key from ignition."
Rosalie is nothing if not thorough.
- Francine, isn't that banner ready yet?
- Just finished.
And then I have to help Fergus
cord the leads.
- Just give me a minute.
- A minute?
You're only halfway down your list
and it's nearly 8:00.
And you. Don't just stand there
like a dead sheep. Go to your car.
And what are you doing?
- I'm in the middle of my show.
- Okay, but hurry up.
- Rosalie.
- Can you not see I am busy?
Your husband's just arrived.
Dr Cairns can see you now.
I'll be there in a minute.
I can't stop long.
What was that?
Power corrupts,
but absolute power corrupts every loony.
- Did she organise all this?
- Aye.
By tomorrow night, this hospital
isnae gonna know what hit it.
And by Monday morning,
the Loony Pools is gonna be
all over every newspaper in Glasgow,
paving the way to our career
in professional radio.
Fergus faxed the press releases
this morning.
Aye, well, just
don't be too disappointed
if the press don't show up. Okay?
What do you mean?
It's just that there's nothing
all that newsworthy
about a bunch of loonies
staging a stunt at an Open Day.
But it's Mental Health Week.
Well, I gave up smoking
on National No Smoking Day,
but they didn't put my name
in the paper.
I better get these speakers.
Listen, Campbell.
If we just raise enough money to buy
a cheap nasty second-hand mixer
to keep the station going,
that will be enough for me.
Yeah, well, that's your trouble, Eddie.
You aim low every time.
Yeah, but I reach my goals.
JIM: She's no ready.
You don't know
what it's like living with her.
Your wife is suffering
from a compulsive illness, Mr Garrity,
and if she forgets to take
her medication while she's at home...
Forget! Aye.
She often forgets not to throw it
in the lavvy at the first opportunity.
I think the simple solution
is for your wife to have her medication
by long-acting injection,
so she wouldn't have to remember
to take tablets.
What does she think about that?
Mrs Garrity.
I think he should give me
my pocket money.
I'm nearly out of Dettol...
See that? And we were trying to have
a rational conversation here
and she's just landed
a spaceship on planet Dettol.
She's completely out of control
and you're trying to dump
your problem on me.
What I'm trying to do
is find a solution.
If I've told 'em once,
I've told 'em a hundred times,
the solution is stronger drugs.
Four year ago,
when Dr Paterson was in charge,
they gave her stronger drugs
and she was just fine.
Just fine until some bright spark got
the idea she'd be okay on a lower dose.
Well, she's not.
You can't stop me coming home
to my own house.
I'll change the locks.
I'll screw the windows shut.
'Cause you're not coming home
until you're under control.
Mr Garrity, I know you're upset.
But if you refuse
to have your wife home,
I can't keep her here
more than a few weeks.
After that, until we could find her
a place in supported accommodation,
and there's a three- to four-month
waiting list.
She could end up in
bed and breakfast accommodation,
sharing kitchen and bathroom facilities
with other disturbed people
who may not mind so much
if the toilet isn't flushed
or their feet tend to stick
to the kitchen floor.
This could have a catastrophic effect
on your wife's condition.
Is that what you want?
I cannae cope any more. I just cannae.
And what you're saying is that,
were we to increase
your wife's medication,
- you'd feel better able to cope at home?
- Aye.
If you guarantee she'd take it.
How would you feel about that?
All right, then.
Okay.
We'll try a new dosage by injection,
and we'll see where we are
in a week's time, shall we?
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Yeah.
- I wore the dress, Jim.
- Aye. Very nice.
You don't have to do this
if you don't want to.
You're a voluntary patient.
No, I want to do it.
You couldn't just wait till Monday
to give me this injection, though,
- I've a lot of things to do.
- Of course.
I've got to, Fergus.
The day's entertainment
is reaching its climax.
The last two contestants
mount the stage.
The audience mark their coupons,
they hand them in, when suddenly,
a swarm of photographers surge forward
because it turns out
that one of the contestants
was none other than
Spike Milligan.
The greatest manic-depressive
of our time.
Spike Milligan?
Seven out of ten folk
will probably think he's a patient.
What a news story, eh? What a scoop!
There's only two things
wrong with that, Campbell.
First, how are you gonna get
Spike Milligan
to appear in your Loony Pools
for tomorrow afternoon?
Well, a pal of mine's
girlfriend's sister
went to university with his grandson.
Second, everybody knows
what he looks like.
Good point. We need to disguise him.
What are you doing,
wearing that horrible dress?
- What's going on?
- These are the speakers you sent for.
You can't bring these in here yet.
I haven't cleaned them.
- Take them out.
- We're going, we're going.
It's gone.
- I'll get a mop.
- That was my last bottle.
- It's okay, it's okay.
- What am I gonna do?
There's germs, there's germs...
Eddie's gonna get you some more
from the late-night shop.
- Where's the late-night shop?
- Fergus'll show you.
I've escaped twice today already.
Germs kill. And they're everywhere.
Look, do you want them to come
and sedate her? Go!
Germs kill. Do you not understand?
Germs kill.
Robbie got sick.
Jim said I wasn't washing
the lettuce properly,
so I washed it and washed it.
But he was still sick. Jim said
it was 'cause the floors was dirty,
so I washed them and washed them.
But Robbie stayed sick.
Jim said it was the drains,
the toilet, the sinks.
The dirty washing.
The cutting board, the kitchen knives.
I made lists of all the places the germs
could be. I washed everything.
But Robbie stayed sick
until he died.
I never managed to kill all those germs.
What did he die of?
Leukaemia.
Oh, Rosalie...
Jim worshipped that lad.
He hasn't been the same since.
Oh, well, well, McKenna.
I understand congratulations
are in order.
- How?
- You made your sale.
District Council's
just accepted your tender.
- Really?
- Quite a coup, eh?
And a hefty wee commission in the bank.
Oh, well, I just tendered
what Griffin told me.
Oh, now, now.
You know what your problem is, McKenna?
You've got an inferiority complex.
Which may have something to do
with the fact that you are inferior.
Because let me tell you this.
Anybody could have made that sale.
My great aunty Betty, who cannae see
or speak since she had a stroke
could have made that sale.
Sounds that she could have
used the commission.
Griffin may be a daft prat,
but it willnae escape
even his notice sooner or later
that you're a useless waster
that couldnae give away Pink Lady
to a street corner drunk,
never mind sell it to him.
Just watch your back, McKenna.
(DAY TRIPPER PLAYING)
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: This is for
all you day trippers out there
who came to find out
what it's like to be loony for a day.
So, if you've just arrived,
get on your straitjacket,
plonk yourself under
the nearest electrical socket,
and get on down.
Big Girls Don't Cry, The Four Seasons.
- All Kinds of Everything...
- You're going too fast.
You're just finding too slow.
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Yes, it's time again
to separate the loonies
from the boring folk.
So get ready to mark your 'X',
boys and girls,
because if you're one of
our lucky winners today,
you may walk out of here
with one of our fabulous prizes.
Which if you happen to be
on a Section 26,
means somebody'll come
and bring you right back again.
You could win a teddy bear, a dancing
Coke can, a bottle of cheap sherry,
a fruitcake or
a week's supply of cat food.
We wanted to give away a colour telly
and a portable Jacuzzi,
but they wouldnae trust us
with anything electrical.
- Rosalie, Mark's not here.
- What?
He's supposed to be contestant 22,
but they discharged him this morning.
- You have to take his place, then.
- No, I couldnae.
You're right. They'd know straight away
you was one of the loonies.
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Ladies and gentlemen,
loonies and loonettes.
Fergus, get up there.
Please welcome our next pair
of contestants. Numbers 21 and 22.
Now, Fergus. And you, help Eddie
sort out these requests, will you?
CAMPBELL ON RADIO:
Spot the loonies, day trippers.
Have a good wee look,
while I play you this dedication
from all the folk on Ward 11
to all the nice residents
of the surrounding community.
(LAZYSUNDAYPLAYING)
A Whiter Shade of Pale, Procol Harum.
- My Way, Frank Sinatra.
- Somebody broke it.
Johnny B. Goode, then.
I like Johnny B. Goode.
- I cannae find A Whiter Shade of Pale.
- It's not in "A"s, it's in the "W"s.
But its A Whiter Shade of Pale,
it begins with an "A"...
Oh, God, they're all out of order now.
Rosalie. That bastard caretaker just
said we've to unplug our gear at 4:00.
Everything's plugged in at
the power point in his wee room,
and he's gonnae unplug us
so as he can lock up.
Oh, perfect, that's just perfect.
All right, Hector, you spin them
so you can find them back.
- What about the requests?
- Okay, everybody,
no more requests between the letters
"A" and "H", you got that?
- Eddie, go and get us some electric.
- What?
Try the offices, try the ward.
Here's a list of all the power supplies
in the hospital.
- Now go!
- Why does it have to be me?
Do you think they're going to give
their electricity to a loony?
- You've got five minutes.
- My show's about to start.
There's not gonna be a show
without electric. Now, go!
Bribe them, if you need to.
But who's gonna take his show?
Francine, this is your big moment.
- Oh, no!
- Rosalie!
Danny and Mary have eaten
one of the prizes.
- Which one?
- The fruitcake.
Well, at least it wasn't the teddy.
I'm not going to take the show,
I'm not ready.
Rosalie, I've got someone here
I'd like you to meet.
You're gonna have to wait your turn.
You see those stalls over there?
There's a list of every stall
and what they're selling.
- Away you go and buy a fruitcake.
- Rosalie, are you listening to me?
You did it before, you can do it again.
Well, that's just about all
from me this afternoon.
Does "l" come before "L"
or does "L" come before "l"?
ROSALIE: "l" comes before "L".
What happened to Eddie?
He's gone in to find us some electric.
If he doesn't find it in
the next two minutes,
the caretaker's pulling the plug.
They can't do this. I haven't been a
contestant in the Loony Pools yet.
I can see the audience, Fergus.
- You'll be fine.
- Does "S" come before "T"?
Could you help him with his alphabet?
- I know you're busy, but I just want...
- Can you not see I'm busy?
Right, your time's up.
I'm locking up now.
If you pull that plug, you're pulling
the plug on my whole career.
It's Open Day, for Christ's sake!
Just another day for me.
I've got it.
If "The" is the first word,
should it not go into the "T"s?
Rosalie, I didnae find a fruitcake,
but I found some sandwiches.
Good. Prizes there.
Hello. This is the fabulous Francine.
- Rosalie?
- What? What do you want?
Rosalie, I'm Lady Sarah Chalmers.
Patron of the Friends of St Jude.
Sorry. Sweaty hands.
I can see how busy you are. But I just
wanted to congratulate you personally
on what a splendid job you've done
in helping to make this Open Day
such a success.
Thank you.
It's not a very trendy cause,
working with the mentally ill.
Believe me, I know.
But you're a marvel, Rosalie.
However did you organise
something so vast?
I... made lists.
And it's time once again
for the Loony Pools.
- Just a small contribution.
- Thank you so much.
So get ready to mark your 'X"
for the last time,
as I give you contestants number
23 and 24.
- You decided to come.
- She is nice lass.
For the final time,
can you spot the loony?
How you don't ask her for date?
She's the one I was telling you about.
The new DJ I'm training.
She doesnae look crazy.
Do I know that guy?
Can we have one without
the glasses, Mr Milligan?
Curse, I knew
the disguise wouldn't work.
- Try acting loonier.
- What?
For that, I want money.
Did you mind being asked to play
Spot the Loony, Mr Milligan?
(SPEAKING SLOWLY) No, I do not
mind being asked to play Spot the Loony.
But I object to being called Spot.
He did it!
The wee bastard got Spike Milligan!
Oh, hello.
You've still got your Dettol.
Fergus bought me a new bottle.
It was really kind of him.
You should have come to the Open Day
on Saturday, Jim.
We had music and dancing
and Spike Milligan was there.
I'm not 100?% sure who he is,
but he's dead famous, so he is.
- Where's your new dress?
- It's burnt.
- You burnt it?
- No!
But I did give it to
Mad John the pyromaniac,
and I think he burned it.
- You had your injection yet?
- No, I told them I didn't want it.
You're not coming home
if you've not had that injection.
Aye. I know.
But I'm not going to take
any more of this crapola.
What?
I told them, and I'm telling you.
I'm not going to take
any more of this crapola.
Where did you get that from?
I think it's from an American film.
Robbie always liked those
American films, didn't he?
Aye.
I still miss him, Jim.
Aye.
EDDIE: I'd like to thank
all of you who turned out
to support the team
for Open Day on Saturday.
And having raised
a grand total of ?643.67
plus an anonymous donation of ?500 from
somebody with a lot of musical taste.
We are still in business.
You all deserve a big hand.
(I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND PLAYING)
Fergus. What have you done?
Just popped out for the papers.
- Well?
- We're in.
- Yes.
- Daily Record.
Evening Times, The Herald.
"Just a pair of loony goons."
"Spike Milligan with Campbell Bain
of St Jude's Hospital Radio."
We've done it. We're on our way!
- Campbell, you are a genius.
- Genius.
She's the genius.
Rosalie, we're on our way. Sorry.