Takin' Over the Asylum (1994–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Fly Like an Eagle - full transcript
I been talkin' at you for six hours
and I could probably stand here
and talk at you for another six,
but I'm lookin' at you, and I can see
you're lean, mean and hungry
to make that sale.
- Now what are you gonna do?
- Sell!
- What are you gonna sell?
- Twinview!
Catriona, you're having a cup of tea.
The contract's on the table.
The buyer says,
"I have to ask my husband."
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
MacAteer, you've having
a couple of beers.
The brochure's on the bar.
The buyer says,
"I'll have to ask my bank manager."
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
Webster, you're standing at the door.
The buyer shakes her head.
She's not interested.
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
Lavery, the buyer calls the cops.
He's having you arrested.
They've got you in a car.
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell, sell, sell...
McKenna, where do you think
you're going?
The seminar's not finished yet.
Um, I've got an appointment
with a potential customer.
He hasn't got an appointment
with a potential customer.
- He's got an appointment with a buyer!
- Yeah!
Ah, yeah. Buyer.
Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell...
(MONEY (THAT'S WHATI WANT) PLAYING)
You must eat! I make sandwich.
Thanks.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
That was Money (That's What I Want).
EDDIE: Cannae hear you, Campbell.
- From way back in 1959.
- Still cannae hear you.
And this is Campbell Bain,
the bane of your life.
- Campbell.
- Eddie, I'm a mentally ill person.
If I shout any louder,
I'll be restrained and sedated.
The fader, Campbell.
- Oh, I knew that.
- Okay, Campbell. We'll try it again.
JINGLE SINGERS:
Hospital radio, St Jude's.
You'll blow the monitors
if you push them like that.
Fergus! I nearly got it right
that time. What are...
Well, well, the poacher's
turned gamekeeper, eh?
- Where did you get the coat?
- From, uh, Dr Brady.
You look dead handsome with that,
so you do.
- Get what you needed?
- Almost. That only cost 50p.
I'll strip it for the power transistors.
Are you sure you trust him on that desk?
Fergus. This desk and I
are on intimate terms.
This desk and I are practically engaged.
We're doing our first show together
tomorrow night.
- Hey, not tomorrow, Campbell.
- But I'm standing at the threshold
of one of the most important moments
of my life here.
Give me an audience.
Give me punters
and I will deliver, Eddie.
Well, I hadn't expected such a crowd.
Doctor.
Which one of you is Eddie McKenna?
Um, I am.
I'm Mrs MacDonald,
assistant administrator.
- Mrs MacDonald.
- Call me Evelyn.
Just thought I'd pop my head in
and say hello,
ask if you need anything.
- Aye, we do.
- I'm sorry?
We need some shielded three-core flex.
This stuff is useless.
The doctors' bleeps are coming through
on the air.
- Well, that should be possible.
- And some paint.
This place needs redecorating,
so it does.
Hang on. Just let me make a list.
But the main thing is the mixing desk.
We've got a lot of crackle
coming through on these faders
and these two here have had it, really.
We could do with a couple of new ones
if you can still get them,
but what we really need is a new desk.
A six-into-two would even do us.
My goodness, are you a doctor
or an engineer?
I'm a patient.
We're all patients,
except him who isn't but should be.
Don't worry, we're heavily tranquillised
and pose no danger to the public.
No. That's marvellous,
involving the patients.
I'll see what I can do about this list.
There's an endowment trust
we can approach,
but the hospital board will want
to see some figures, I'm afraid.
- What kind of figures?
- Just a budget proposal, really.
Current running costs, projected
capital outlay, that sort of thing.
If you've got your books up to date
and you've got some written estimates
of the equipment you propose
to purchase, you can...
JINGLE: Hospital radio, St Jude's.
(FEEDBACK)
That was dedicated to the boring
board of St Jude's hospital,
that bloated bilious body of
befuddled brains we'd like to befriend.
- Just give us your dosh, boys.
- Campbell!
Well, pretty impressive.
Anyway, Eddie, I'll pop in again
in a few days
when you have a chance
to get some figures together.
And thanks for the wee demonstration,
as it were.
Oh, well done, Campbell.
I told you I could do it
if I had an audience.
Not that.
What's Evelyn gonna think of that?
She'll think I'm a loony. I am a loony.
Come on, Eddie.
Let me do my own show tomorrow, eh?
- Aye, okay.
- You beauty! Tomorrow night!
The Campbell Bain show debuts
tomorrow night!
Eat your heart out, Ken Bruce,
you bastard!
Oh.
Hello.
They, uh, told me I'd find you in here.
Aye.
Well, here I am.
You lot, this is my dad.
Dad, this is that lot.
Have a seat.
I'd get you a cup of tea,
but they don't trust us with kettles.
- Well, you might burn yourselves.
- Aye, or wear them on our heads.
Either way, it requires
medical intervention.
I've just had a word
with your doctor, by the way.
- Oh, aye?
- He gave me some good news, I think.
He says they'll be letting you
out of here soon,
- next week, he reckons.
- You're joking. Next week?
Yes! Yes!
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank God almighty,
I'll be free at last!
Aye, well, just thought I'd come
and ask you
if you'd any plans
for when you come out.
Aye, loads of them.
Massive booze-up with all my pals,
holiday in the Seychelles.
Or Majorca. I'll slum it.
And lose my virginity.
I'm 19. I think I should lose
my virginity. Don't you?
Listen, stop your daft act.
You'll make me think
you need to stay here.
I was talking about your future, son.
You didn't get your exams, you know.
Your mother and I was wondering
if you'd thought about going back
to do your exams.
I cannae say that was
the first thing that crossed my mind.
Well, think about it, son.
There's a recession on.
Nobody gets nothing for nothing.
You need qualifications.
It's just...
I don't know what I want to do yet.
Oh, don't give me your daft talk.
We're talking about a job.
I mean, what you want
has nothing to do with it.
Well, I could always be
a road sweeper, I suppose.
I am not a road sweeper.
I work for the Cleansing Department
and I'm a foreman.
You sweep the road.
Oh, I've never heard you complain about
the food it put on the table.
Do you want to be a waster
all your life?
'Cause I'm not having it.
You've got to pull yourself together
because this is killing your mother.
It's positively killing her.
I mean, the doctor's had to
put her on tablets
because she's so upset about it.
That makes two loonies in the family.
Your mother is not a loony.
We've never had a loony in the family
before you,
not on my side or your mother's.
You've just got to stop this,
put it all behind you.
Pull yourself together.
You understand me?
You just have to think about
your future, son.
Come on, Rosalie. Time to lock up.
I'm not going to rest until everything
in the world is neat and tidy
and every germ on Earth is dead.
Well, it's nice to have a mission,
but I've got to lock up now.
Okay.
What's all this?
I'm just getting these figures together
for Evelyn.
It would be nice
if they redecorated this place.
Aye.
Look, I've just sorted those.
Listen, don't...
Everything in the world, neat and tidy.
Aye.
Francine!
What you got that window open for?
- Don't.
- But it's freezing cold.
I'm suffocating in here.
- Saw you hanging about the station.
- So?
Just saw you, that's all.
- Are you okay?
- Of course I'm not okay. I'm a loony.
So am I.
Aye, but you're out there
and I'm in here.
Not forever.
They can keep me in here
as long as they like.
I'm not going to get any better
as long as I'm in here.
I've told them that.
Nobody listens.
They just renew the section.
The section? Oh, that means...
The taint. Locked up under Section 26
of the Mental Health Act.
- Might as well be in jail.
- Could you not appeal about that?
What's the point?
Nobody listens to you if you're a loony.
They'd have to listen to you
if you were on the radio.
I could train you as a DJ.
You could say anything you wanted.
You could say, "Eddie's a fat bastard,"
if you wanted.
But I warn you, I cry easy.
- No, no, I couldn't.
- Why not?
I just couldn't.
How did you get into all that anyway?
Being a DJ and that?
Don't know.
Just had a big mouth, I suppose.
Used to work at this youth club.
Used to run the disco at the weekends
'cause nobody else
could stand the noise.
Great job.
- What happened?
- I lost it.
The cuts, you know.
Then I started doing hospital radio
in town.
Amateur, like here. But a huge place.
And then?
- And then they sacked me.
- You certainly lose a lot of jobs.
Aye, enough.
I was a secretary once.
Import-export business out of Prestwick.
(SIGHING)
I'm suffocating in here.
- No pass! No pass!
- Grandma, it's me.
I know you, you bad, bad boy!
Do you pay television licence?
What?
Licence people come here today.
Three times they come.
First I hide, then I speak Lithuanian.
And then I act like senile idiot.
They think I am senile idiot, Eddie!
Soon they come back and
maybe they take television.
You want I miss Blind Date?
You want I miss EastEnders?
You want I miss Newsnight
with Peter Snow?
Look, I'm sorry!
- I just didnae have the 83 quid.
- But you have job now, Eddie.
Yeah, but it's not like
winning the pools, Grandma.
Eddie, what do I do with you?
When do you get married,
so I can throw you out?
This is my flat.
Well, when do you get married,
so you can throw me out?
I'll pay the licence tomorrow.
- And the television rental?
- And the television rental.
And the electric?
I'm running up an overdraft, Grandma.
And find nice lassie and get married
and give me many, many
great-grandchildren.
Well, for that I'll have to talk to
my bank manager.
Cheer up. It may never happen.
Don't you just hate it
when people say that?
Go on, be miserable.
I don't blame you for being depressed.
The food here is diabolical.
Do you work round here?
Aye, just down the road. I'm a salesman.
A salesman. I might have guessed.
They're always so vaguely oily,
salesmen.
No offence, of course.
We had a salesman in the family once,
my sister's husband.
Dreadful man.
I never had any time for him.
Sold toilets.
"Commodes," he called them.
"Toilets" in plain English.
He's dead now, thankfully.
- I've got to go now.
- Oh, yes, so do I.
I'm afraid I'm temporarily
financially embarrassed.
I couldn't borrow ?2.60, could I?
You're a gentleman, sir.
What do you sell anyway?
Double glazing.
Double glazing.
Now why does that ring a bell?
Oh, yes.
I had a phone call from this man,
a complete stranger, once,
who wanted to come round
and talk to me about double glazing.
So I thought, why not?
We got on like a house on fire.
He stayed for maybe five hours.
He sold you some windows?
No. I don't recall
we talked about windows.
Harriet. My name is Harriet.
My father wanted a boy, you see,
and he'd set his heart on
the name of Harry.
Aye, well, see you then.
So when I came along,
they just had to make do.
They just hadn't been thinking of
any girls' names at all, you see.
- Who's your friend?
- Daisy.
My dog's name is Daisy.
I have had six dogs in my life,
every one of them called Daisy.
You've only got two appointments,
I'm afraid.
But you'd better make yourself scarce.
Griffin's been on the rampage.
Aye. Listen, I've got to...
Oh, now you've done it.
You've got her barking.
She's got a heart condition.
McKenna, I want you up here
and I want you up here now.
(GRIFFIN GROWLS)
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Well, uh, I'll be seeing you again
sometime, McKenna.
(DOG GROWLING)
I suppose you know why
I've called you up here.
- No, sir.
- Then guess.
- For a chat?
- I never chat.
Do you think I got to be
regional sales manager by having chats?
I got here by selling windows
to customers.
- Buyers, sir.
- What?
They're buyers, not customers.
Well, I'm glad you got so much out of
our sales seminar yesterday, McKenna.
And how did you make out with
your "buyers" last night?
- Which buyers?
- You had to leave early to meet them.
We practically sent you out of here
like a conquering hero.
- How did you get on?
- Oh, aye... Good.
- Um... Excellent, thanks.
- You closed the deal?
Almost. Nearly there.
Almost! Nearly there!
You don't buy a washing machine
with an "almost," McKenna.
You don't buy a Jacuzzi
with a "nearly there".
I'll... I'll work harder at it.
How many nights a week
are you going out?
Five.
Why not six? Why not seven?
You should be out seven nights a week
if you have to
and weekends and weekdays,
making that sale.
Aye.
Now listen to me, McKenna.
Either you walk into this office
on Saturday morning
with a sale under your belt,
signed, delivered and sealed with a kiss
- or you're off the team.
- By Saturday?
But you've only given me
two appointments.
I'd knock on some doors
if I were you, McKenna.
(I HEAR YOU KNOCKING PLAYING)
Good morning, I'm Edward McKenna
from Twinview.
What?
(BABY CRYING)
Edward McKenna from Twinview Windows.
Some of our craftsmen are
installing windows in the area,
which means we can offer you
an exceptionally good deal.
What are you doing?
Tonight, at 7:00pm, don't miss
Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show
on hospital radio tonight at 7:00pm.
- Twinview Windows?
- Sorry.
- Bugger off.
- Clear off.
No English. No English.
Well, I'm not bloody English.
He should be here by now.
- Rosalie, what are you doing?
- Just polishing your shoes, son.
We're gonna have to go without him.
Oh no!
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
I'm just going!
Don't want to buy any double glazing,
do you?
...two, one, you're on.
That was I Hear You Knockin',
But You Can't Come In
dedicated to all the medical staff
here at St Jude's hospital.
They hear you knocking,
but you cannae get out.
And this is Campbell Bain with the first
ever Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show.
(LOONEY TUNESTHEME MUSIC PLAYING)
And our next request is for Singha
on Ward Six,
who tells me that she's being controlled
by aliens from another planet.
Singha, the nursing assistants
are only doing their job.
Is he getting at me?
(PUPPET ON A STRING PLAYING)
And now I've been asked to play a dead
smoochy tune by Alison on Ward Seven,
so here's a song that should cause
each of us to experience
a wee flutter in the heart,
a wee catch in the throat,
a tune that we can truly call our song.
(GOING OUT OF MYHEAD PLAYING)
# Over you
He's not bad, that boy.
# Goin' out of my head over you
Cocoa's up. You coming?
No. I've got to get these figures
together for Evelyn.
I had fun tonight, Eddie.
I think that's the most fun
I've ever had without being manic.
Was I any good?
Aye.
I've never been good
at anything before, Eddie.
I spent four years of my life
learning to play guitar
and the only song I can play
all the way through
is Knock, Knock, Knocking
on Heaven's Door.
I only did it to try and pull women.
I'm no good at that either.
I want to do this professional, Eddie.
Do you think I could?
- Maybe. Aye.
- I've got to take it seriously, Eddie.
It's got to be taken seriously,
that's the thing.
First thing I'm gonna do is
get some cans like yours.
Baird DT100s.
Aye, professional cans
with my name on them
in big yellow fluorescent letters.
Build up my own record collection,
specialise in something.
Get some great tunes together.
What else do I need?
- Experience, Campbell?
- Aye, good point.
They're not gonna have somebody
who just walks in off the street.
They're gonna have somebody
who has spent days, if not weeks,
developing their show into a creature
that's totally fresh
- and fundamentally loony in every way.
- Days, if not weeks?
They're letting me out of here
next week, Eddie.
I want to come and work for you,
full-time.
I want you to teach me
everything you know.
We'll be a double act.
We are gonna make this
the most outrageous and original
hospital broadcasting outfit
in the country.
This station is gonna
take us places, Eddie.
Us?
Well, you're not gonna sell
double glazing all your life, are you?
- Not likely, anyway.
- Then go for it.
Have you never wanted
to go professional, Eddie?
- Might have sent out the odd tape.
- And?
The general consensus seemed to be
I was shite.
That's where you went wrong.
You see, you went to them.
That's one thing I'm sure of is you've
got to get them to come to you.
- What's it called?
- Abduction, Campbell, and it's illegal.
No, no, market strategy!
Creating a seller's market!
Can you see the potential?
We're one of the only
loony radio stations in the country.
Think of the angle, the publicity.
"Loonies take over asylum at St Jude's."
All we have to do is be brilliant
as well as original
and they'll be coming to us.
With your knowledge and experience
and my hypomania, how can we lose?
Come on, Eddie. You with me?
Aye.
- Are you sure you're not manic?
- I'm inspired, Eddie.
What's the difference?
Inspired is when you think
you can do anything.
Manic is when you know it.
Good night.
- Who are you looking for?
- Nobody.
You, I suppose.
- Would you like my cocoa?
- You don't want it?
No. I hate the stuff,
but I like to be cooperative.
- You're wearing a tie?
- Aye. Stupid thing, is it not?
- Are you okay?
- Oh, aye.
No. I think I'm about to lose my job.
You certainly don't have a lot
of luck with jobs. It must be said.
- Have you got a family?
- My grandmother.
- You live with your grandmother?
- No. She lives with me.
Since my granddad died.
She raised me, see?
In fact,
she thinks she's still raising me.
She's Lithuanian.
In her lifetime, she stood up to Hitler,
she stood up to Stalin.
Believe me, it's very difficult to argue
with someone like that.
What do you argue about?
She wants me to get married, mainly.
In Lithuania if you don't marry
by the time you're 30,
they stop locking up their daughters
and start locking up their sons.
Did you never have a girlfriend
or that?
Oh, aye. Angela.
I still cannae say "Angel Delight"
without accidentally saying Angela.
- You did just then.
- Did I?
Oh well. Must be getting over her then.
Is that your car parked down there?
- The orange Allegro?
- Aye.
- How did you know?
- I've seen you get out of it.
It may not look like much,
but, mark my words,
that'll be a classic one day.
Take you out for a spin sometime,
if you like.
No.
Well, they don't usually
let me out, see.
In case I start posing a danger
to myself or others.
- Francine, how'd you come to be in here?
- Oh, look, there's McTavish.
He's a cat that lives on the grounds.
Oh, he's gone now.
You cannae pick him up or that
because he's wild.
- But everybody knows him.
- I saw him. A big black cat.
Aye, and dead fat.
Francine, I hate to break this to you,
but he is a she.
- And she is pregnant.
- He's not pregnant.
- He's just dead fat.
- What, with those wee skinny legs?
Francine, trust me, she's pregnant.
He's not pregnant! It's just fat.
He eats too much and he's fat, right?
Just fat.
McKenna!
It's McKenna, isn't it?
Harriet, remember?
Harriet. And my dog's name is Daisy.
You should write these things down,
if you've no memory for names.
I wanted to bump into you again
because I want to give you that ?2.60.
No, it's okay. Consider breakfast on me.
No. I never accept charity.
And I rarely borrow.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
It says that in the Bible.
Don't frighten Daisy again.
I told you, she has a heart condition.
Thanks.
You're a salesman,
is that right, McKenna?
- Aye.
- There you are.
I don't forget a thing.
Mind like a steel trap.
You tell me something,
I don't forget it.
What was it you sell again?
- Double glazing.
- Double glazing.
Well, that's a stupid thing, isn't it?
Does that mean that you have two windows
for every window in your house,
is that right?
Aye.
But isn't that a bit daft?
You might as well have
two doors for every door
and two walls for every wall.
Well, it keeps out the draughts.
My roof keeps out the rain,
but it doesn't mean I need two.
- Look, I've got to go to work now.
- But I'm puzzled, McKenna.
Look, take one of these brochures.
That'll explain everything.
Oh, thank you.
I've still got two more days.
Griffin said, "Just in case".
Fergus. Fergus, what are you doing?
- Dripping.
- Where have you been all morning?
Go on, get yourself dry.
And I'll take the wire cutters, Fergus.
- Fergus, did you get them?
- Aye, second hand. 50 quid.
This is brilliant. Brilliant.
My first professional headphones.
Did you get the paint?
I have to put my name on. That's how
they do it in professional radio.
Where'd you get all this cash anyway?
- Sold Mad John all my cigarettes.
- For 60 quid?
Well, it was nearly eight packs
and he did offer. He was desperate.
What are you gonna do for fags?
I'm giving it up.
I've got to take care of my voice.
And may God strike me dead if I so much
as engage in passive smoking.
- Everybody smokes in here.
- Then I'll stop breathing in.
Come on.
Let's try these out at the station.
Dad. Hello.
You're wet.
Next time I'll take my clothes off
before I get into the bath.
I thought he was a doctor.
Only part-time.
I was wondering if you'd thought about
what we were saying.
Yes, I have.
And I've decided
that you're absolutely dead on.
I'm 19 years old and it's time
I started thinking about my future.
- Oh, aye.
- You're gonna be proud of me, Dad.
Because I've decided that my future,
my life's work, my soul's passion
- is gonna be this.
- You're gonna be an airline pilot?
No. A radio disc jockey.
And I can get all the experience I need
right here in the hospital station.
- We're back to that, are we?
- Back to what?
Well, six months ago
you wanted to be a pop star.
That was different. I cannae sing.
Two years before
you wanted to be a racing jockey.
- I'm afraid of horses.
- Before that you wanted to be an actor.
I cannae remember lines.
But this is different.
I'm good at it. I know I am.
Well, there's a lot of things
are gonna be different from now on.
Your mother and me have been talking
and we've decided it would be
a good idea
if you went to your Auntie Susan's
for a bit.
She lives in Perth.
Yes, but you can go
to adult classes there.
You'll get the peace and quiet
that you need.
I cannae go to Perth.
I've got to stay in Glasgow
to work in the station.
I need the experience.
- You need to get well.
- I'm not ill!
You cannae make me go to Perth.
I'm 19 years old and I'm staying
in Glasgow to work in the station.
I'm gonna be a professional DJ
whether you like it or not.
You stand there,
shouting at the top of your voice,
throwing your arms about
like some mad scarecrow
and you're telling me you're not ill?
You're not capable of thinking straight.
And some straight thinking
needs to be done.
Now, your mother and me
have done our best to look after you.
If that's not good enough for you
then there's nothing left but...
to have you sectioned
and let the doctors decide.
Oh, Jesus.
You'd have me sectioned.
I'll come around on Monday
to collect you.
Your uncle has loaned me his car.
Have you never been young, Dad?
Is there never anything
you wanted to do?
You wanted to be
more than anything in the world?
Oh, aye.
Goalkeeper for Glasgow Rangers.
A lot of fucking good it did me.
Eddie, I've been looking for you.
I just wanted to walk in
before I went home
to collect those figures you promised.
Oh, aye.
There's been a wee problem
with the figures.
Some of them are still missing.
What, invoices?
- Receipts, budgets?
- Aye.
- You've lost all your documents?
- No, no.
They've just been misplaced a wee bit.
- Hello, Fergus.
- Evening.
Well, then, what's this?
Nominal ledger, purchase ledger,
budget, forecast.
My word.
I don't think I've seen
such neat numbers
since I was doing accountancy.
Aye, aye, well... I knew they'd turn up.
Excellent.
Well, I'll go over these and I'll talk
to the board at the meeting next week.
- Could I just have a wee word?
- Aye.
Eddie, nobody could admire you more
than I do for involving the patients.
But I think the intention
when we decided to fund the station
was that there would be a regular staff
of outside volunteers.
- Reliable people.
- I've never been let down.
Eddie, some of these patients
have horrendous problems.
It's not fair to expect too much.
They keep telling me
how much they enjoy it.
You can't always listen to them.
Francine!
Campbell. Campbell!
I thought you said
you were gonna give up cigarettes.
Aye, well, I also said
I was gonna become a DJ.
(BELL TOLLING)
(WATCH ALARM BEEPING)
Time's up, McKenna.
HARRIET: Ah, there you are, McKenna.
- See, you can't escape me, can you?
- Harriet.
And you've remembered my name that time.
That's because you wrote it down,
didn't you?
No. It's not easy to forget.
I've been reading this brochure
you gave me about double glazing.
I must admit I was sceptical,
but this brochure convinced me.
Less draughts, less noise,
an altogether excellent idea.
Maybe you could come round and tell me
how much it would cost at my place.
- It's awfully draughty, you see.
- Do you want me to give you a call?
No. I want you to tell me
how much it will cost.
And I don't want that dreadful
aluminium stuff.
It reminds me of flattened-out tins.
I want the plain white sash windows.
Discreet and stylish.
Well, write it down then.
You know what your memory's like.
Here we are then.
- You need to show me which flat.
- Oh, it's all mine.
It's a bit much for me
since my husband died.
But it was in his family
for so long, you see.
Now, there are 35 windows,
back and front.
Have you got your own tape measure?
(THIS OLD HOUSE PLAYING)
(DOG GROWLING)
This is Campbell Bain's
Looney Tunes Show
and I hope everyone in this old house
is tuned in and ready to rock and roll.
(LOONEY TUNESTHEME)
That's right because it's time
for the Looney Tunes show
and I want you dancing, loonies.
I want you singing along.
I want you clapping your hands
and stamping your feet.
If there's a strange voice in your head,
get it to sing along.
If there's a catatonic sitting
next to you, wake 'em up!
This is for all of you
having ECT tomorrow.
I hope you get some good vibrations.
(GOOD VIBRATIONS PLAYING)
# She's giving me excitations
# I'm picking up good vibrations
# She's giving me excitations #
Well, I suppose you're all wondering
why I asked you here tonight.
As you may know,
this is the fourth and last
Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show.
The good news is
it's because I'm being discharged.
That bad news
is I'm gonna be living in Perth.
And our first competition tonight
was to find a special dedication
to the town of Perth.
And the winner is Margaret on Ward 11.
And she dedicated this song
to the town of Perth.
He's hot tonight.
(WE GOTTA GET OUT
OF THIS PLACE PLAYING)
That's not dance music, is it? We're
supposed to be rocking and rolling.
Because we are loonies and we are proud.
I'm a manic depressive
and I'm proud, my friends.
Some of the greatest geniuses
in history have been manic depressives
on a manic roll.
Vincent van Gogh, Handel, Schumann,
Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath,
Spike Milligan, Vivien Leigh.
That is 100?% true, folks.
And this is for all you
manic-depressives out there.
We are loonies and we are proud!
((YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME)
HIGHERAND HIGHER PLAYING)
# Your love keeps lifting me higher
# Than I've ever been lifted before #
CAMPBELL: Have you ever noticed
how much mental illness imagery
there is in popular music?
Tonight our guest
on the Looney Tunes show
is professor of musicology,
Doctor Boogie.
Aye, aye, in popular music we find
much images of mental illness
indicating an underlying fear
and fascination. For example...
# Please, lock me away... #
He's away.
And this expresses a deep anxiety
about going a little bit crazy.
Another example is...
# You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain... #
This expresses the deep anxiety about
going a lot crazier with a pyromaniac.
And then again, in a song like...
(PAINTITBLACKPLAYS)
A fascination with obsessive behaviour.
And some songs provoke
the greatest fears of all.
In this case, the twin fears of
abject mediocrity and liking crap songs.
But then, of course, there is...
# Met her on a Monday
and my heart stood still... #
Which has got nothing to do with loonies
but it's a great song!
Whoa, I'm sweating!
I'm just gonna open a window.
It's a long way down from this window.
But I'm so high I'll bet I could fly.
Cue the song. Cue the song.
Jesus, Campbell.
# Fly like an eagle #
What do you think, boys and girls?
Do you think if we close our eyes
and say, "I do believe in magic",
that Peter Pan
will really be able to fly?
Let's try it, eh!
I do believe in magic.
Come on! I do believe in magic!
They're coming to get me, folks.
They're coming to get
your very own Campbell Bain.
But wait, I've got the perfect song.
# They're coming to take me away #
We're really seeing some action now!
The nursing staff have been
at a temporary disadvantage,
but I think that they're beginning
to get the upper hand now.
Yes! They found a spare key!
It may be all over soon. Oh, no!
The key's in the lock from the inside
and there's not a thing
they can do about it!
Oh, wait! It's wee Stuart.
And he's not happy.
If he can't break through the door,
I don't think anyone can.
He's done it! He's broken the glass!
And he's in!
A loony joke! This loony
walks into a pub with his dog.
The barman says,
"You can't have any dogs in here".
The loony says, "He's a talking dog."
"If he answers three questions,
can he stay in the bar?"
"Let's see it."
So he says to the dog,
"What's the texture of sandpaper?"
And the dog says, "Rough".
And then the guy asks,
"Who was Scotland's goalkeeper
"in the 1978 World Cup?"
And the dog says, "Rough".
And then, "Who was the greatest
American baseball player of all time?"
And the dog says, "Ruth".
The barman's definitely not impressed.
He grabs the guy by the collar
and throws him onto the street.
Then he grabs the dog by the collar
and throws him into the street.
And as they're lying in the gutter,
the wee dog looks up
with tears in his eye...
The wee dog looks up
with tears in his eyes.
And he says, "DiMaggio?"
Hello, this is Francine.
And the next song
you're gonna listen to is Hound Dog.
(HOUND DOG PLAYS)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
- You're early.
- Aye.
I wanted to try and see Campbell
if I could.
Of course. He's groggy but fairly lucid.
- It's my fault, is it not?
- No.
You're not thinking of giving up,
are you?
- Aye.
- Don't.
One of my patients, Dorothy.
She's in here more often than she's out.
Whatever I suggest to her,
she always does, no matter what.
If I say,
"Dorothy, would you like a bath?",
she goes for a bath.
If I say, "Dorothy,
would you like to play cards?",
she plays cards.
Saturday night she was dancing.
She's not very good on her feet
and I was afraid she'd fall,
so I said, "Dorothy, would you like
to sit down now?"
She said, "Oh, piss off, Isabel".
Keep making waves, Eddie.
What's this? Did somebody die?
They gave me work. Big day today.
I'm salesman of the month.
Salesman of the month, eh?
- How are you?
- Great.
I saw my shrink this morning.
He says I'm definitely not stable yet.
They're gonna keep me in
another six to ten weeks.
Do you realise how much we could make
of that station in six to ten weeks?
Anything's possible now.
Aye, well, if you think you're up to it.
Great acting, eh?
I'll beat them, Eddie.
I'll beat the bastards.
- You did my figures for me.
- Just made them neat and tidy.
Rosalie?
How would you like to be
my station manager?
(STAY (JUSTA LITTLE BITLONGER)
PLAYING)
and I could probably stand here
and talk at you for another six,
but I'm lookin' at you, and I can see
you're lean, mean and hungry
to make that sale.
- Now what are you gonna do?
- Sell!
- What are you gonna sell?
- Twinview!
Catriona, you're having a cup of tea.
The contract's on the table.
The buyer says,
"I have to ask my husband."
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
MacAteer, you've having
a couple of beers.
The brochure's on the bar.
The buyer says,
"I'll have to ask my bank manager."
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
Webster, you're standing at the door.
The buyer shakes her head.
She's not interested.
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
Lavery, the buyer calls the cops.
He's having you arrested.
They've got you in a car.
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
- What are you gonna do?
- Sell!
Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell, sell, sell...
McKenna, where do you think
you're going?
The seminar's not finished yet.
Um, I've got an appointment
with a potential customer.
He hasn't got an appointment
with a potential customer.
- He's got an appointment with a buyer!
- Yeah!
Ah, yeah. Buyer.
Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell...
(MONEY (THAT'S WHATI WANT) PLAYING)
You must eat! I make sandwich.
Thanks.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
That was Money (That's What I Want).
EDDIE: Cannae hear you, Campbell.
- From way back in 1959.
- Still cannae hear you.
And this is Campbell Bain,
the bane of your life.
- Campbell.
- Eddie, I'm a mentally ill person.
If I shout any louder,
I'll be restrained and sedated.
The fader, Campbell.
- Oh, I knew that.
- Okay, Campbell. We'll try it again.
JINGLE SINGERS:
Hospital radio, St Jude's.
You'll blow the monitors
if you push them like that.
Fergus! I nearly got it right
that time. What are...
Well, well, the poacher's
turned gamekeeper, eh?
- Where did you get the coat?
- From, uh, Dr Brady.
You look dead handsome with that,
so you do.
- Get what you needed?
- Almost. That only cost 50p.
I'll strip it for the power transistors.
Are you sure you trust him on that desk?
Fergus. This desk and I
are on intimate terms.
This desk and I are practically engaged.
We're doing our first show together
tomorrow night.
- Hey, not tomorrow, Campbell.
- But I'm standing at the threshold
of one of the most important moments
of my life here.
Give me an audience.
Give me punters
and I will deliver, Eddie.
Well, I hadn't expected such a crowd.
Doctor.
Which one of you is Eddie McKenna?
Um, I am.
I'm Mrs MacDonald,
assistant administrator.
- Mrs MacDonald.
- Call me Evelyn.
Just thought I'd pop my head in
and say hello,
ask if you need anything.
- Aye, we do.
- I'm sorry?
We need some shielded three-core flex.
This stuff is useless.
The doctors' bleeps are coming through
on the air.
- Well, that should be possible.
- And some paint.
This place needs redecorating,
so it does.
Hang on. Just let me make a list.
But the main thing is the mixing desk.
We've got a lot of crackle
coming through on these faders
and these two here have had it, really.
We could do with a couple of new ones
if you can still get them,
but what we really need is a new desk.
A six-into-two would even do us.
My goodness, are you a doctor
or an engineer?
I'm a patient.
We're all patients,
except him who isn't but should be.
Don't worry, we're heavily tranquillised
and pose no danger to the public.
No. That's marvellous,
involving the patients.
I'll see what I can do about this list.
There's an endowment trust
we can approach,
but the hospital board will want
to see some figures, I'm afraid.
- What kind of figures?
- Just a budget proposal, really.
Current running costs, projected
capital outlay, that sort of thing.
If you've got your books up to date
and you've got some written estimates
of the equipment you propose
to purchase, you can...
JINGLE: Hospital radio, St Jude's.
(FEEDBACK)
That was dedicated to the boring
board of St Jude's hospital,
that bloated bilious body of
befuddled brains we'd like to befriend.
- Just give us your dosh, boys.
- Campbell!
Well, pretty impressive.
Anyway, Eddie, I'll pop in again
in a few days
when you have a chance
to get some figures together.
And thanks for the wee demonstration,
as it were.
Oh, well done, Campbell.
I told you I could do it
if I had an audience.
Not that.
What's Evelyn gonna think of that?
She'll think I'm a loony. I am a loony.
Come on, Eddie.
Let me do my own show tomorrow, eh?
- Aye, okay.
- You beauty! Tomorrow night!
The Campbell Bain show debuts
tomorrow night!
Eat your heart out, Ken Bruce,
you bastard!
Oh.
Hello.
They, uh, told me I'd find you in here.
Aye.
Well, here I am.
You lot, this is my dad.
Dad, this is that lot.
Have a seat.
I'd get you a cup of tea,
but they don't trust us with kettles.
- Well, you might burn yourselves.
- Aye, or wear them on our heads.
Either way, it requires
medical intervention.
I've just had a word
with your doctor, by the way.
- Oh, aye?
- He gave me some good news, I think.
He says they'll be letting you
out of here soon,
- next week, he reckons.
- You're joking. Next week?
Yes! Yes!
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank God almighty,
I'll be free at last!
Aye, well, just thought I'd come
and ask you
if you'd any plans
for when you come out.
Aye, loads of them.
Massive booze-up with all my pals,
holiday in the Seychelles.
Or Majorca. I'll slum it.
And lose my virginity.
I'm 19. I think I should lose
my virginity. Don't you?
Listen, stop your daft act.
You'll make me think
you need to stay here.
I was talking about your future, son.
You didn't get your exams, you know.
Your mother and I was wondering
if you'd thought about going back
to do your exams.
I cannae say that was
the first thing that crossed my mind.
Well, think about it, son.
There's a recession on.
Nobody gets nothing for nothing.
You need qualifications.
It's just...
I don't know what I want to do yet.
Oh, don't give me your daft talk.
We're talking about a job.
I mean, what you want
has nothing to do with it.
Well, I could always be
a road sweeper, I suppose.
I am not a road sweeper.
I work for the Cleansing Department
and I'm a foreman.
You sweep the road.
Oh, I've never heard you complain about
the food it put on the table.
Do you want to be a waster
all your life?
'Cause I'm not having it.
You've got to pull yourself together
because this is killing your mother.
It's positively killing her.
I mean, the doctor's had to
put her on tablets
because she's so upset about it.
That makes two loonies in the family.
Your mother is not a loony.
We've never had a loony in the family
before you,
not on my side or your mother's.
You've just got to stop this,
put it all behind you.
Pull yourself together.
You understand me?
You just have to think about
your future, son.
Come on, Rosalie. Time to lock up.
I'm not going to rest until everything
in the world is neat and tidy
and every germ on Earth is dead.
Well, it's nice to have a mission,
but I've got to lock up now.
Okay.
What's all this?
I'm just getting these figures together
for Evelyn.
It would be nice
if they redecorated this place.
Aye.
Look, I've just sorted those.
Listen, don't...
Everything in the world, neat and tidy.
Aye.
Francine!
What you got that window open for?
- Don't.
- But it's freezing cold.
I'm suffocating in here.
- Saw you hanging about the station.
- So?
Just saw you, that's all.
- Are you okay?
- Of course I'm not okay. I'm a loony.
So am I.
Aye, but you're out there
and I'm in here.
Not forever.
They can keep me in here
as long as they like.
I'm not going to get any better
as long as I'm in here.
I've told them that.
Nobody listens.
They just renew the section.
The section? Oh, that means...
The taint. Locked up under Section 26
of the Mental Health Act.
- Might as well be in jail.
- Could you not appeal about that?
What's the point?
Nobody listens to you if you're a loony.
They'd have to listen to you
if you were on the radio.
I could train you as a DJ.
You could say anything you wanted.
You could say, "Eddie's a fat bastard,"
if you wanted.
But I warn you, I cry easy.
- No, no, I couldn't.
- Why not?
I just couldn't.
How did you get into all that anyway?
Being a DJ and that?
Don't know.
Just had a big mouth, I suppose.
Used to work at this youth club.
Used to run the disco at the weekends
'cause nobody else
could stand the noise.
Great job.
- What happened?
- I lost it.
The cuts, you know.
Then I started doing hospital radio
in town.
Amateur, like here. But a huge place.
And then?
- And then they sacked me.
- You certainly lose a lot of jobs.
Aye, enough.
I was a secretary once.
Import-export business out of Prestwick.
(SIGHING)
I'm suffocating in here.
- No pass! No pass!
- Grandma, it's me.
I know you, you bad, bad boy!
Do you pay television licence?
What?
Licence people come here today.
Three times they come.
First I hide, then I speak Lithuanian.
And then I act like senile idiot.
They think I am senile idiot, Eddie!
Soon they come back and
maybe they take television.
You want I miss Blind Date?
You want I miss EastEnders?
You want I miss Newsnight
with Peter Snow?
Look, I'm sorry!
- I just didnae have the 83 quid.
- But you have job now, Eddie.
Yeah, but it's not like
winning the pools, Grandma.
Eddie, what do I do with you?
When do you get married,
so I can throw you out?
This is my flat.
Well, when do you get married,
so you can throw me out?
I'll pay the licence tomorrow.
- And the television rental?
- And the television rental.
And the electric?
I'm running up an overdraft, Grandma.
And find nice lassie and get married
and give me many, many
great-grandchildren.
Well, for that I'll have to talk to
my bank manager.
Cheer up. It may never happen.
Don't you just hate it
when people say that?
Go on, be miserable.
I don't blame you for being depressed.
The food here is diabolical.
Do you work round here?
Aye, just down the road. I'm a salesman.
A salesman. I might have guessed.
They're always so vaguely oily,
salesmen.
No offence, of course.
We had a salesman in the family once,
my sister's husband.
Dreadful man.
I never had any time for him.
Sold toilets.
"Commodes," he called them.
"Toilets" in plain English.
He's dead now, thankfully.
- I've got to go now.
- Oh, yes, so do I.
I'm afraid I'm temporarily
financially embarrassed.
I couldn't borrow ?2.60, could I?
You're a gentleman, sir.
What do you sell anyway?
Double glazing.
Double glazing.
Now why does that ring a bell?
Oh, yes.
I had a phone call from this man,
a complete stranger, once,
who wanted to come round
and talk to me about double glazing.
So I thought, why not?
We got on like a house on fire.
He stayed for maybe five hours.
He sold you some windows?
No. I don't recall
we talked about windows.
Harriet. My name is Harriet.
My father wanted a boy, you see,
and he'd set his heart on
the name of Harry.
Aye, well, see you then.
So when I came along,
they just had to make do.
They just hadn't been thinking of
any girls' names at all, you see.
- Who's your friend?
- Daisy.
My dog's name is Daisy.
I have had six dogs in my life,
every one of them called Daisy.
You've only got two appointments,
I'm afraid.
But you'd better make yourself scarce.
Griffin's been on the rampage.
Aye. Listen, I've got to...
Oh, now you've done it.
You've got her barking.
She's got a heart condition.
McKenna, I want you up here
and I want you up here now.
(GRIFFIN GROWLS)
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Well, uh, I'll be seeing you again
sometime, McKenna.
(DOG GROWLING)
I suppose you know why
I've called you up here.
- No, sir.
- Then guess.
- For a chat?
- I never chat.
Do you think I got to be
regional sales manager by having chats?
I got here by selling windows
to customers.
- Buyers, sir.
- What?
They're buyers, not customers.
Well, I'm glad you got so much out of
our sales seminar yesterday, McKenna.
And how did you make out with
your "buyers" last night?
- Which buyers?
- You had to leave early to meet them.
We practically sent you out of here
like a conquering hero.
- How did you get on?
- Oh, aye... Good.
- Um... Excellent, thanks.
- You closed the deal?
Almost. Nearly there.
Almost! Nearly there!
You don't buy a washing machine
with an "almost," McKenna.
You don't buy a Jacuzzi
with a "nearly there".
I'll... I'll work harder at it.
How many nights a week
are you going out?
Five.
Why not six? Why not seven?
You should be out seven nights a week
if you have to
and weekends and weekdays,
making that sale.
Aye.
Now listen to me, McKenna.
Either you walk into this office
on Saturday morning
with a sale under your belt,
signed, delivered and sealed with a kiss
- or you're off the team.
- By Saturday?
But you've only given me
two appointments.
I'd knock on some doors
if I were you, McKenna.
(I HEAR YOU KNOCKING PLAYING)
Good morning, I'm Edward McKenna
from Twinview.
What?
(BABY CRYING)
Edward McKenna from Twinview Windows.
Some of our craftsmen are
installing windows in the area,
which means we can offer you
an exceptionally good deal.
What are you doing?
Tonight, at 7:00pm, don't miss
Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show
on hospital radio tonight at 7:00pm.
- Twinview Windows?
- Sorry.
- Bugger off.
- Clear off.
No English. No English.
Well, I'm not bloody English.
He should be here by now.
- Rosalie, what are you doing?
- Just polishing your shoes, son.
We're gonna have to go without him.
Oh no!
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
I'm just going!
Don't want to buy any double glazing,
do you?
...two, one, you're on.
That was I Hear You Knockin',
But You Can't Come In
dedicated to all the medical staff
here at St Jude's hospital.
They hear you knocking,
but you cannae get out.
And this is Campbell Bain with the first
ever Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show.
(LOONEY TUNESTHEME MUSIC PLAYING)
And our next request is for Singha
on Ward Six,
who tells me that she's being controlled
by aliens from another planet.
Singha, the nursing assistants
are only doing their job.
Is he getting at me?
(PUPPET ON A STRING PLAYING)
And now I've been asked to play a dead
smoochy tune by Alison on Ward Seven,
so here's a song that should cause
each of us to experience
a wee flutter in the heart,
a wee catch in the throat,
a tune that we can truly call our song.
(GOING OUT OF MYHEAD PLAYING)
# Over you
He's not bad, that boy.
# Goin' out of my head over you
Cocoa's up. You coming?
No. I've got to get these figures
together for Evelyn.
I had fun tonight, Eddie.
I think that's the most fun
I've ever had without being manic.
Was I any good?
Aye.
I've never been good
at anything before, Eddie.
I spent four years of my life
learning to play guitar
and the only song I can play
all the way through
is Knock, Knock, Knocking
on Heaven's Door.
I only did it to try and pull women.
I'm no good at that either.
I want to do this professional, Eddie.
Do you think I could?
- Maybe. Aye.
- I've got to take it seriously, Eddie.
It's got to be taken seriously,
that's the thing.
First thing I'm gonna do is
get some cans like yours.
Baird DT100s.
Aye, professional cans
with my name on them
in big yellow fluorescent letters.
Build up my own record collection,
specialise in something.
Get some great tunes together.
What else do I need?
- Experience, Campbell?
- Aye, good point.
They're not gonna have somebody
who just walks in off the street.
They're gonna have somebody
who has spent days, if not weeks,
developing their show into a creature
that's totally fresh
- and fundamentally loony in every way.
- Days, if not weeks?
They're letting me out of here
next week, Eddie.
I want to come and work for you,
full-time.
I want you to teach me
everything you know.
We'll be a double act.
We are gonna make this
the most outrageous and original
hospital broadcasting outfit
in the country.
This station is gonna
take us places, Eddie.
Us?
Well, you're not gonna sell
double glazing all your life, are you?
- Not likely, anyway.
- Then go for it.
Have you never wanted
to go professional, Eddie?
- Might have sent out the odd tape.
- And?
The general consensus seemed to be
I was shite.
That's where you went wrong.
You see, you went to them.
That's one thing I'm sure of is you've
got to get them to come to you.
- What's it called?
- Abduction, Campbell, and it's illegal.
No, no, market strategy!
Creating a seller's market!
Can you see the potential?
We're one of the only
loony radio stations in the country.
Think of the angle, the publicity.
"Loonies take over asylum at St Jude's."
All we have to do is be brilliant
as well as original
and they'll be coming to us.
With your knowledge and experience
and my hypomania, how can we lose?
Come on, Eddie. You with me?
Aye.
- Are you sure you're not manic?
- I'm inspired, Eddie.
What's the difference?
Inspired is when you think
you can do anything.
Manic is when you know it.
Good night.
- Who are you looking for?
- Nobody.
You, I suppose.
- Would you like my cocoa?
- You don't want it?
No. I hate the stuff,
but I like to be cooperative.
- You're wearing a tie?
- Aye. Stupid thing, is it not?
- Are you okay?
- Oh, aye.
No. I think I'm about to lose my job.
You certainly don't have a lot
of luck with jobs. It must be said.
- Have you got a family?
- My grandmother.
- You live with your grandmother?
- No. She lives with me.
Since my granddad died.
She raised me, see?
In fact,
she thinks she's still raising me.
She's Lithuanian.
In her lifetime, she stood up to Hitler,
she stood up to Stalin.
Believe me, it's very difficult to argue
with someone like that.
What do you argue about?
She wants me to get married, mainly.
In Lithuania if you don't marry
by the time you're 30,
they stop locking up their daughters
and start locking up their sons.
Did you never have a girlfriend
or that?
Oh, aye. Angela.
I still cannae say "Angel Delight"
without accidentally saying Angela.
- You did just then.
- Did I?
Oh well. Must be getting over her then.
Is that your car parked down there?
- The orange Allegro?
- Aye.
- How did you know?
- I've seen you get out of it.
It may not look like much,
but, mark my words,
that'll be a classic one day.
Take you out for a spin sometime,
if you like.
No.
Well, they don't usually
let me out, see.
In case I start posing a danger
to myself or others.
- Francine, how'd you come to be in here?
- Oh, look, there's McTavish.
He's a cat that lives on the grounds.
Oh, he's gone now.
You cannae pick him up or that
because he's wild.
- But everybody knows him.
- I saw him. A big black cat.
Aye, and dead fat.
Francine, I hate to break this to you,
but he is a she.
- And she is pregnant.
- He's not pregnant.
- He's just dead fat.
- What, with those wee skinny legs?
Francine, trust me, she's pregnant.
He's not pregnant! It's just fat.
He eats too much and he's fat, right?
Just fat.
McKenna!
It's McKenna, isn't it?
Harriet, remember?
Harriet. And my dog's name is Daisy.
You should write these things down,
if you've no memory for names.
I wanted to bump into you again
because I want to give you that ?2.60.
No, it's okay. Consider breakfast on me.
No. I never accept charity.
And I rarely borrow.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
It says that in the Bible.
Don't frighten Daisy again.
I told you, she has a heart condition.
Thanks.
You're a salesman,
is that right, McKenna?
- Aye.
- There you are.
I don't forget a thing.
Mind like a steel trap.
You tell me something,
I don't forget it.
What was it you sell again?
- Double glazing.
- Double glazing.
Well, that's a stupid thing, isn't it?
Does that mean that you have two windows
for every window in your house,
is that right?
Aye.
But isn't that a bit daft?
You might as well have
two doors for every door
and two walls for every wall.
Well, it keeps out the draughts.
My roof keeps out the rain,
but it doesn't mean I need two.
- Look, I've got to go to work now.
- But I'm puzzled, McKenna.
Look, take one of these brochures.
That'll explain everything.
Oh, thank you.
I've still got two more days.
Griffin said, "Just in case".
Fergus. Fergus, what are you doing?
- Dripping.
- Where have you been all morning?
Go on, get yourself dry.
And I'll take the wire cutters, Fergus.
- Fergus, did you get them?
- Aye, second hand. 50 quid.
This is brilliant. Brilliant.
My first professional headphones.
Did you get the paint?
I have to put my name on. That's how
they do it in professional radio.
Where'd you get all this cash anyway?
- Sold Mad John all my cigarettes.
- For 60 quid?
Well, it was nearly eight packs
and he did offer. He was desperate.
What are you gonna do for fags?
I'm giving it up.
I've got to take care of my voice.
And may God strike me dead if I so much
as engage in passive smoking.
- Everybody smokes in here.
- Then I'll stop breathing in.
Come on.
Let's try these out at the station.
Dad. Hello.
You're wet.
Next time I'll take my clothes off
before I get into the bath.
I thought he was a doctor.
Only part-time.
I was wondering if you'd thought about
what we were saying.
Yes, I have.
And I've decided
that you're absolutely dead on.
I'm 19 years old and it's time
I started thinking about my future.
- Oh, aye.
- You're gonna be proud of me, Dad.
Because I've decided that my future,
my life's work, my soul's passion
- is gonna be this.
- You're gonna be an airline pilot?
No. A radio disc jockey.
And I can get all the experience I need
right here in the hospital station.
- We're back to that, are we?
- Back to what?
Well, six months ago
you wanted to be a pop star.
That was different. I cannae sing.
Two years before
you wanted to be a racing jockey.
- I'm afraid of horses.
- Before that you wanted to be an actor.
I cannae remember lines.
But this is different.
I'm good at it. I know I am.
Well, there's a lot of things
are gonna be different from now on.
Your mother and me have been talking
and we've decided it would be
a good idea
if you went to your Auntie Susan's
for a bit.
She lives in Perth.
Yes, but you can go
to adult classes there.
You'll get the peace and quiet
that you need.
I cannae go to Perth.
I've got to stay in Glasgow
to work in the station.
I need the experience.
- You need to get well.
- I'm not ill!
You cannae make me go to Perth.
I'm 19 years old and I'm staying
in Glasgow to work in the station.
I'm gonna be a professional DJ
whether you like it or not.
You stand there,
shouting at the top of your voice,
throwing your arms about
like some mad scarecrow
and you're telling me you're not ill?
You're not capable of thinking straight.
And some straight thinking
needs to be done.
Now, your mother and me
have done our best to look after you.
If that's not good enough for you
then there's nothing left but...
to have you sectioned
and let the doctors decide.
Oh, Jesus.
You'd have me sectioned.
I'll come around on Monday
to collect you.
Your uncle has loaned me his car.
Have you never been young, Dad?
Is there never anything
you wanted to do?
You wanted to be
more than anything in the world?
Oh, aye.
Goalkeeper for Glasgow Rangers.
A lot of fucking good it did me.
Eddie, I've been looking for you.
I just wanted to walk in
before I went home
to collect those figures you promised.
Oh, aye.
There's been a wee problem
with the figures.
Some of them are still missing.
What, invoices?
- Receipts, budgets?
- Aye.
- You've lost all your documents?
- No, no.
They've just been misplaced a wee bit.
- Hello, Fergus.
- Evening.
Well, then, what's this?
Nominal ledger, purchase ledger,
budget, forecast.
My word.
I don't think I've seen
such neat numbers
since I was doing accountancy.
Aye, aye, well... I knew they'd turn up.
Excellent.
Well, I'll go over these and I'll talk
to the board at the meeting next week.
- Could I just have a wee word?
- Aye.
Eddie, nobody could admire you more
than I do for involving the patients.
But I think the intention
when we decided to fund the station
was that there would be a regular staff
of outside volunteers.
- Reliable people.
- I've never been let down.
Eddie, some of these patients
have horrendous problems.
It's not fair to expect too much.
They keep telling me
how much they enjoy it.
You can't always listen to them.
Francine!
Campbell. Campbell!
I thought you said
you were gonna give up cigarettes.
Aye, well, I also said
I was gonna become a DJ.
(BELL TOLLING)
(WATCH ALARM BEEPING)
Time's up, McKenna.
HARRIET: Ah, there you are, McKenna.
- See, you can't escape me, can you?
- Harriet.
And you've remembered my name that time.
That's because you wrote it down,
didn't you?
No. It's not easy to forget.
I've been reading this brochure
you gave me about double glazing.
I must admit I was sceptical,
but this brochure convinced me.
Less draughts, less noise,
an altogether excellent idea.
Maybe you could come round and tell me
how much it would cost at my place.
- It's awfully draughty, you see.
- Do you want me to give you a call?
No. I want you to tell me
how much it will cost.
And I don't want that dreadful
aluminium stuff.
It reminds me of flattened-out tins.
I want the plain white sash windows.
Discreet and stylish.
Well, write it down then.
You know what your memory's like.
Here we are then.
- You need to show me which flat.
- Oh, it's all mine.
It's a bit much for me
since my husband died.
But it was in his family
for so long, you see.
Now, there are 35 windows,
back and front.
Have you got your own tape measure?
(THIS OLD HOUSE PLAYING)
(DOG GROWLING)
This is Campbell Bain's
Looney Tunes Show
and I hope everyone in this old house
is tuned in and ready to rock and roll.
(LOONEY TUNESTHEME)
That's right because it's time
for the Looney Tunes show
and I want you dancing, loonies.
I want you singing along.
I want you clapping your hands
and stamping your feet.
If there's a strange voice in your head,
get it to sing along.
If there's a catatonic sitting
next to you, wake 'em up!
This is for all of you
having ECT tomorrow.
I hope you get some good vibrations.
(GOOD VIBRATIONS PLAYING)
# She's giving me excitations
# I'm picking up good vibrations
# She's giving me excitations #
Well, I suppose you're all wondering
why I asked you here tonight.
As you may know,
this is the fourth and last
Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show.
The good news is
it's because I'm being discharged.
That bad news
is I'm gonna be living in Perth.
And our first competition tonight
was to find a special dedication
to the town of Perth.
And the winner is Margaret on Ward 11.
And she dedicated this song
to the town of Perth.
He's hot tonight.
(WE GOTTA GET OUT
OF THIS PLACE PLAYING)
That's not dance music, is it? We're
supposed to be rocking and rolling.
Because we are loonies and we are proud.
I'm a manic depressive
and I'm proud, my friends.
Some of the greatest geniuses
in history have been manic depressives
on a manic roll.
Vincent van Gogh, Handel, Schumann,
Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath,
Spike Milligan, Vivien Leigh.
That is 100?% true, folks.
And this is for all you
manic-depressives out there.
We are loonies and we are proud!
((YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME)
HIGHERAND HIGHER PLAYING)
# Your love keeps lifting me higher
# Than I've ever been lifted before #
CAMPBELL: Have you ever noticed
how much mental illness imagery
there is in popular music?
Tonight our guest
on the Looney Tunes show
is professor of musicology,
Doctor Boogie.
Aye, aye, in popular music we find
much images of mental illness
indicating an underlying fear
and fascination. For example...
# Please, lock me away... #
He's away.
And this expresses a deep anxiety
about going a little bit crazy.
Another example is...
# You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain... #
This expresses the deep anxiety about
going a lot crazier with a pyromaniac.
And then again, in a song like...
(PAINTITBLACKPLAYS)
A fascination with obsessive behaviour.
And some songs provoke
the greatest fears of all.
In this case, the twin fears of
abject mediocrity and liking crap songs.
But then, of course, there is...
# Met her on a Monday
and my heart stood still... #
Which has got nothing to do with loonies
but it's a great song!
Whoa, I'm sweating!
I'm just gonna open a window.
It's a long way down from this window.
But I'm so high I'll bet I could fly.
Cue the song. Cue the song.
Jesus, Campbell.
# Fly like an eagle #
What do you think, boys and girls?
Do you think if we close our eyes
and say, "I do believe in magic",
that Peter Pan
will really be able to fly?
Let's try it, eh!
I do believe in magic.
Come on! I do believe in magic!
They're coming to get me, folks.
They're coming to get
your very own Campbell Bain.
But wait, I've got the perfect song.
# They're coming to take me away #
We're really seeing some action now!
The nursing staff have been
at a temporary disadvantage,
but I think that they're beginning
to get the upper hand now.
Yes! They found a spare key!
It may be all over soon. Oh, no!
The key's in the lock from the inside
and there's not a thing
they can do about it!
Oh, wait! It's wee Stuart.
And he's not happy.
If he can't break through the door,
I don't think anyone can.
He's done it! He's broken the glass!
And he's in!
A loony joke! This loony
walks into a pub with his dog.
The barman says,
"You can't have any dogs in here".
The loony says, "He's a talking dog."
"If he answers three questions,
can he stay in the bar?"
"Let's see it."
So he says to the dog,
"What's the texture of sandpaper?"
And the dog says, "Rough".
And then the guy asks,
"Who was Scotland's goalkeeper
"in the 1978 World Cup?"
And the dog says, "Rough".
And then, "Who was the greatest
American baseball player of all time?"
And the dog says, "Ruth".
The barman's definitely not impressed.
He grabs the guy by the collar
and throws him onto the street.
Then he grabs the dog by the collar
and throws him into the street.
And as they're lying in the gutter,
the wee dog looks up
with tears in his eye...
The wee dog looks up
with tears in his eyes.
And he says, "DiMaggio?"
Hello, this is Francine.
And the next song
you're gonna listen to is Hound Dog.
(HOUND DOG PLAYS)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
- You're early.
- Aye.
I wanted to try and see Campbell
if I could.
Of course. He's groggy but fairly lucid.
- It's my fault, is it not?
- No.
You're not thinking of giving up,
are you?
- Aye.
- Don't.
One of my patients, Dorothy.
She's in here more often than she's out.
Whatever I suggest to her,
she always does, no matter what.
If I say,
"Dorothy, would you like a bath?",
she goes for a bath.
If I say, "Dorothy,
would you like to play cards?",
she plays cards.
Saturday night she was dancing.
She's not very good on her feet
and I was afraid she'd fall,
so I said, "Dorothy, would you like
to sit down now?"
She said, "Oh, piss off, Isabel".
Keep making waves, Eddie.
What's this? Did somebody die?
They gave me work. Big day today.
I'm salesman of the month.
Salesman of the month, eh?
- How are you?
- Great.
I saw my shrink this morning.
He says I'm definitely not stable yet.
They're gonna keep me in
another six to ten weeks.
Do you realise how much we could make
of that station in six to ten weeks?
Anything's possible now.
Aye, well, if you think you're up to it.
Great acting, eh?
I'll beat them, Eddie.
I'll beat the bastards.
- You did my figures for me.
- Just made them neat and tidy.
Rosalie?
How would you like to be
my station manager?
(STAY (JUSTA LITTLE BITLONGER)
PLAYING)