Tacoma FD (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - A Christmas Story - full transcript

- So what's this called?
- Let me guess...

Burnt figgy pudding
left in the oven.

- 1970s Christmas-era lights
short-circuited

and burst into flames.
Call 'em Ho-Ho-Homewreckers.

- Guy tries to climb down
the chimney, gets stuck.

- I bet that's the most
common one.

- It's a classic.

- Take it out of your mouth!
Take it out!

- Whoa.
- Be cool!

Hey, how's...

Season's greetings.
- How are ya?



Everything okay?
- Did you call the fire d...

- I called, I called, yeah.
- Mrs. Santa called.

- Is there's an emergency?
- There's an emergency.

- What happened?
- Yuletide stuff... you know.

- Yuletide?
- You know, celebrating

the season.
- You want us to come in, sir?

- Please come in.
Welcome to Santa's workshop.

- All righty.
What do we got here?

- Having a little party, huh?
- Welcome to our humble

Christmas cottage...

The land of magic and dreams.
- Got an emergency call.

What's the problem?
- That would be about Norman.

- Is that Norman?
- No, that's J.P.

He's just chillaxin'.
- Then... where's Norman?



- Ho ho! Wasted!

- He had too much fondue.
We think he...

O.D.ed.

- What was in the fondue?
- Oh, Swiss cheese,

white wine, garlic,

uh... 25 hits of ecstasy.

- That is a molly jolly
Christmas right there!

Let me catch... Norman.

- Thanks, Granny.

- Hey, man, come here.
Come here!

- What kinda party is this?

- It's a Santa-themed
swinger's party.

- This is a Christmas orgy?

- We drink eggnog and have sex.

Okay.

- Do you like my wreath?
My mom made it.

- You know what? Norman's fine.

You know, just, uh,
make sure he's not dehydrated

and no more fondue!

- Well, you're all welcome
to stick around for a while.

- Why don't we mingle
our ho-ho-hos

with your hose, hose, hose?

- No, no, no. Dash away, all!

- Everybody's welcome, you guys.

- I'll stuff your stockings!

- I think you came on
a little too strong.

- Hey!

- Ho ho ho, huh?
Another year and it still fits.

- It's a Christmas miracle!

- Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Merry Christmas!

- Ho ho ho ho!

- Oh... whoa!
- Hey!

- God's sakes, will you people

give this Christmas
bullshit a rest?

I'm trying to do
your year-end evaluations,

and I can't hear myself think!

- Okay.
- Ho ho ho, boy, huh?

Who pissed in his Cheerios?

Noice!

- I'm in favor of the music,
guys, just so you know.

- Hey, Chief, you ever consider
giving him this week off?

He's always a wet blanket
on the holidays.

- Yeah.
He's always in a bad mood,

and it's always when he does
our year-end reviews.

Every December, we get
Scrooged on the write-up.

- We gotta do something
about it.

Eddie! Hey, Eddie, come here.

You get a present yet

for the Yankee Swap? - Yeah.

I found a half-empty
bottle of dandruff shampoo

in my locker... I'm gonna pop
an ugly green bow on it.

- Okay. Well, you know what?

I'm gonna at lunchtime
and get a gift.

I can get two
and say one's from you.

- Oh, cool... you can wrap mine
and hand it out for me too.

- Ha ha. You don't hand out
a gift at the Yankee Swap.

Each person picks a number,
then they pick a gift.

So let's say I go first
and you go second.

I open my gift,
then you open yours.

You have the option
of deciding to keep your gift

or stealing mine, but look out...

Anyone who hasn't

picked behind us can pick a gift

of the person in front of them.

So interestingly, the last pick
is often the best pick,

and the first pick
is the worst pick.

Are you listening to me?

- You're especially
humbuggy this year.

What's wrong?
- Look at these Christmas cards

from my ex-girlfriends.

Look how happy they are
with their happy husbands

and their happy kids.
- Oh, yeah, Carla,

the comptroller's office...
I like her.

Oh... Jasmine.
She was too good for you.

I don't know why
you're getting so worked up.

Half these kids
aren't even yours.

- That's very funny, Terry.

The fact is, all these
women asked me to marry them,

but I turned them all down.

- Yeah, sure you did.
- I did.

And every year on Christmas,
they send me these cards

to remind me
of what I don't have.

- You know what?

You have a bad case
of the holiday blues.

- Maybe I do have
the holiday blues, Terry.

Or maybe it's that the more
obnoxiously jolly you become,

the more obnoxiously crusty
I have to be

to create balance
in the universe.

- Like Batman and the Joker.
- Exactly.

Wait... which one am I?
- The Joker, of course.

- But he's the jolly one.
- No, he's the bad guy...

Like you. - You think Batman

is jollier than the Joker?

When's the last time
you saw Batman smile?

- I don't hang out with Batman,
so I can't tell you.

- Maybe it was at The Super
Friends Yankee Swap

because he had the last pick!

- Okay, great.
Go do your evaluations,

and go easy on my crew.
- They're my crew too.

- Merry Christmas, Eddie!
- Eh!

Oh! - Look at all this stuff.

The kids're gonna go nuts!

- And we might just beat
our Toy Drive record.

- Whoa! Let me see that.

- Oh, I forgot.
Andy likes dolls.

- No! I mean, yes, but...

look at this one.
- "Public defender Darla."

So what? - Look closer.

It's supposed to say
Public Defender Darla,

but thanks to a disgruntled
print shop employee,

a handful of these babies
made it out

with the box misspelled.

- Oh, pubic defender Darla!

Ha ha ha! That's awesome!

- It also makes her tag line
especially naughty.

- Oh, dude...
"She'll get you off!"

- Whoever dropped that off
had no idea

how valuable it was.
- Why, how valuable is it?

- We're talking

this valuable, baby. - $15,000?

- Wait... what?
- 15 grand?

We're selling it, right?
- No, you guys.

It's not ours to sell.
Someone gave this

as a donation for a child.

- Are you kidding me?
We're gonna give it

to some drooling kid so he can
give it a dumb haircut?

- Hey, we can just take that
money and replace that one.

- Ooh!
- That is not happening.

- How 'bout this...
We put it with the other toys.

If no kid picks it up,
then we sell it,

and the proceeds go towards
upgrading the station.

Like with a Christmas party.

- Hey, sounds good!
- I don't know, guys.

- I'll take that, Luce.
- Give me the doll, Andy!

- We'll sell it!
- It's worth 15 grand!

- Give it back!

- It's for the...
- Give me the doll!

- Just look at yourselves.

You are everything
that's wrong with Christmas.

Fighting over a doll.

Who's not even that hot.

I'll remember this when
I fill out your evaluations.

Hope you all enjoy
getting lumps of coal

in your stockings.

- Whew! Tell you what,

if we don't inject
some comfort and joy into Cap,

we're all gonna take it
up the chimney this year.

- We need a Christmas miracle.

- You said it.

- Things were lookin'
mighty grim

for our firefighters.

They needed to lift

Captain Penisi's
holiday spirits... and fast.

And what about
that valuable doll?

I mean, shit, talk about
an ethnical conundrum.

Ha. I don't envy Andy,
Lucy, Ike, or Granny.

I wonder how it'll all work out.

- You know, guys,
$15,000 split three ways

is a lotta money!

It's like 4 grand a guy.

- No, it's exactly $5,000.

- Whatever.
- Can you not do math?

- Yes, I can do math.

I just can't do math
and wink at the same time.

- What are you winkin' for?
- Just sayin'...

It's a lotta money, boys,
it's almost like

between 4 and 5 grand apiece.

- It's not between that.
- It's $5,000 exactly.

- Spilt three ways, evenly.

We'll figure out
the exact numbers later.

Hey!

- What are we gonna do
about Cap?

How do you inject
the Christmas spirit

into someone
who hates Christmas?

- We need to remind him what
Christmas is really all about.

- Hey, how we lookin'?
Are we gonna break

the Toy Drive record this year?
- I bet we get

300 families this year.
- That's why we do it.

Spreading the Christmas
spirit, right?

Yeah! - Speaking of which,

we got a family
coming over here.

Their Christmas tree
caught on fire.

Burnt down half their house.
- Oh...

- Burnt up all the presents
for their kid.

So we're gonna let the little
fellow come over here

and pick out some toys.

It's gonna be
a beautiful moment.

- That sounds really
Christmassy.

- Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?

- I think... so?

- Oh, shh, here he is.
- Okay. What do you want?

- We know you're busy,

but we wanted you to witness

this beautiful display
of Yuletide generosity.

- And goodwill
to the less fortunate.

- And tidings of great joy.

- And tidings...

Shepherds flocked to...

- Okay.

- Here we go, guys.
- Ooh!

- Oh, for the less fortunate,
you said.

- Maybe it's a rental.

- Oh, boy.
The kid from the well.

It's Hunter.
- What's up, losers?

No such things as Santa, tubby.

Sorry about the fire.
- Oh, thank you.

You know, it's been
so hard on Hunter

commuting to the lake house
these last few days.

- Lake house.

Do they know
how the fire started?

- Oh, it was Hunter.

Yeah, he put an M-80
in a decorative angel.

- Whew! Kids!

- It's gonna get hard.
- Yeah.

- 'Sup, troll doll?

You wanna fight?

- I... don't wanna
fight a child.

- These toys suck.
- Well, I didn't make 'em.

- I guess I could wrap
this in tinfoil

and throw it in the microwave.
- No, no, no, no.

- Look how stupid it is.

It's worthless
on the collectible circuit.

- Don't crush the box!
Please don't crush the box!

- Hey, this baby cries,
so you could take it

and you could set it on fire or
throw it off a roof or eat it.

- Whatevs.

I'm out. Peace!

Come on, Mom! I'm hungry!

Now!

- Okay, honey!

Thank you for your generosity!

- Hey.
- You're welcome, ma'am.

- Wow, you guys,
that was beautiful.

Warms the cockles of my heart.

Don't bother me again.

- Knock, knock.
Hey, I need your finger.

- Why, you gonna try
and make me fart?

- Ha ha, good one.
Come on, let's go.

- Oh, I see.
I have to stop what I'm doing

to help you wrap a gag gift
for your dumb Yankee Swap?

- It's not a gag gift.
It's an awesome gift.

And don't ask me
to tell you what it is,

'cause I'm not gonna do it.

It's a bidet.

- It shoots water up your butt?
- Yeah.

It's a Sunny Tunnel Bidet.

Vicky got me one last month...
Changed my life.

There is nothing more soothing

that shooting warm water
up your hoo-hoo.

And my toilet paper bills?
Never been lower.

This baby pays for itself.

- What are you,
in the pocket of Big Bidet?

- I started out at 85 degrees

and then I lowered it
to a nice 82 degrees.

Mmm. That's the sweet spot.

- That's absurd... the human
rectum cannot differentiate

between 85 and 82 degrees.

- My rectum
can tell the different.

- No, it can't!

Assholes don't have feelings.

Get out of my office.

- Merry Christmas,
Edward Penisi.

- There's glitter everywhere
from your Goddamn ribbon!

- We have to find a way
to help Cap.

- Hey, how 'bout this?

20 years ago at Christmas,

Cap delivered a baby when
a woman was stuck in traffic.

What if we found that kid,
brought him to the station,

then we have a heartwarming
Christmas reunion.

- That's a really good idea.

- I bet you anything

Granny's trying to cut Lucy in
on a two-way deal

to get that Darla doll.
- You're being paranoid, man.

That's not what they're...
- Wait a sec.

Are you teaming up with them?

Are you trying to
cut me outta the score?

- You need to calm down.
- No, you need to calm down.

- You're jumpier than a
Pepper Jack's whore right now.

You need to reel it in!
- Hey, guys.

Granny has a great idea.
- Does it involve

waiting until I fall asleep

and then smothering me
with a pillow

to take that Darla doll?
- Damn it, Andy, no!

- Granny thinks that if
we can find the baby

that Cap delivered 20 years ago,

it might just warm
his icy little heart.

- That's a great idea!
- It was a good idea.

Turns out the kid got nailed

on various narcotic charges

and then fled to Sweden
to join a doomsday cult.

- Look at that... in Sweden they
call it a "duumsdoy kolt."

- Cap wouldn't know
what the kid looked like

20 years from now...
We could just get any dude

to come in here
and pretend to be that baby.

- Lucy McConky.
That's a good idea.

- Lucy McConky's biggest fault

is her refusal
to show proper respect

when addressing her captain.

- Uncle Eddie!
Get your ass down here.

It's a Christmas miracle!

- Here he is.
- Who? Who he?

- Him! He who you delivered
as a baby

when his mom was stuck
in traffic, remember?

- Captain Penisi,
great to see you again.

Mark Budmartin.

- You're the...
little Budmartin baby?

Well, look at you.
You're all grown up!

My God!

What are you doin' here? - Well,

sometimes I...
get into a real bad funk

during the holidays. - I do too.

- This morning, I found myself

standing on the edge
of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge

looking down,
thinking about cashing in.

- Oh...
- But then I thought,

"Firefighter Penisi
risked his life

"in the middle of traffic
to bring me into this world.

I can't let him down!"

So I got off that bridge,

and the first thing I did

was buy a scratch-off lottery
ticket,

and guess what. - What?

- I won $100,000,

which I'm going to use
to go to astronaut school

and be the first man on Mars!

- Oh!
- I wrote that part.

- Yeah, no shit.

- Seeing you here today

makes me truly believe

that you made a huge mistake.

- A... what's that now?

- Yeah. You really
should have jumped.

- Wha...

- Get lost... loser.

- Son of a bitch, Cap.

- How could you do that?
- That was the boy

you brought into this world,
as far as you know!

- Do you really think
I wouldn't know

that the baby I delivered
fled to Sweden

and joined a "duumsdoy kolt"?

- Oops.
- I was gonna let you off easy

on those evaluations.

But after that, I'm cranking
it up full blast.

- No!
- Cap...

Astronaut school, dude?

- Who knew that he would
keep such close tabs

on the baby he delivered?

- Huh. Hey, guys.

Where's the Darla doll?

- What do you mean?
- What?

- We put it right here,
and now it's gone.

So which one of you took it?
- Don't look at me.

I'm the one that wanted
to give it away.

- So that means
one of you took the doll.

- That's exactly what the real
doll thief would say, Granny.

- Which is precisely what the
actual doll thief would say,

Andy! - What?

- Which is undoubtedly
what the true doll thief

would say, Ike. - Me?!

- Yeah, you.
- Obviously!

- No, it ain't!
- You guys!

What happened
to the Christmas spirit?

- The deal was we were gonna
split that doll three ways!

That's over 4 grand each!

- 5 grand.
- I want that doll on the table

in three minutes.
- I want it in 30 seconds.

- Damn it, I didn't take it!
- I didn't take it either!

- Liar!

- Well, if that ain't
a heapin' pile of humbug stew,

I don't know what is.

What are the odds that the Eddie

and the Darla doll situations

would hit their lowest points
at the exact same time?

Ah, what a world.

I sure hope they can
still fix this.

- Hey, guys.
Time for the Yankee Swap.

- But what about Uncle Eddie?
- Look, I have been trying

to shove Christmas cheer
down that guy's throat

for 25 years...
He's too far gone.

Come on, it's Christmas Eve!

How 'bout I read "'Twas the
Night Before Christmas"?

You love when I do that.
- It just doesn't feel right

without Uncle Eddie here.
- You're right.

But what else can we do?

- Yeah.

Ohh.

- Cap, we know you hate
Christmas,

but we want you to join us
for the Gift Swap.

- You think that'll get you
a good evaluation?

Bah! - Eddie, the Yankee Swap

is a station event,
and you're gonna join us.

And that's an order!

- Let the swap begin!

- I got number one.
- Ah!

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- You know what,
sometimes that's good.

- He briefed me. First is worst.

- Ah...
- Not all the time.

- Uh... whoa.

Two tickets to Seattle/
Arizona, 50-yard line.

- Whoa!
- Wow.

- Whose gift is this?
Who did this?

- I danced this corporate gig
and I hit it off

with the owner's wife, so...
- I can't wait

for one of you guys to snag
these away from me.

- Hey, you never know,
though... I'm next!

Yoink! Cool!

Chubby's Exotic Dance Emporium...

One VIP lap dance.

Not sure I need this, but...
No, no, it's good for research.

- I know how this works, Ike.

- No, I'm keepin' it.

- Okay.
- Oh, look, I'm next.

This one looks fun.

"One free depilation
at Alohair Beauty Salon."

- Get it over with, then.
That's your family business.

- What're you talking about?

Merry Christmas. Who's next?

- Let me show you dum-dums
how to pick a real gift.

- That's a good one.
- A Nightmare Manor

Annual Pass.

I was banned from

the premises for two years,
but it's still a good gift.

- Okay, okay.
- I'm gonna go with

this red box.
Sweet... moustache wax.

This'll be great for when
I have a boyfriend

with a moustache.
- Okay, thank you, guys.

I know what you're doin' here.

Thank you. - Yay!

- Hold on.

Santa has not yet had his turn.

If I were to survey
the other gifts

that were available to me,

I'm... going to take...

this one.

- You kidding me?

- 50-hard line! Hee hee hee hee!

- Chief.
- Dad.

- Well, Merry Christmas, buddy.

- Okay, well...
- Wait, wait, Cap.

Shouldn't you open your gift?
- I know what it is.

It's a bidet... because
Christmas is all about

taking it in the pooper.

Some Santa you are.

- Cap, I'm sorry.

- Dad, why did you do that?
- 50-yard line!

I mean, really, it's a Yankee
Swap... get over it.

- Man...

- The nicest thing I can
say about Granfield Smith

is that he wraps hose
with the grace

and speed of a pregnant
water buffalo.

And that... finishes it.

"Clean in comfort."

Sunny Tunnel Bidet.

Hmm.

Eh, why not?

Here goes nothing.

Ooh!

Ooh hoo hoo hoo ooh!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

- And in that moment,

feeling the soothing rush
of 82-degree toilet water

on his bitter and hardened anus,

Eddie Penisi's heart
grew 20 sizes that night.

I love it!

- I'm too old for this shit.

- What was I thinking?

These people are my family.

But there's no time to do
those evaluations over again.

Is there?

You there, boy, what time is it?

Almost 5:00 in the morning!

- 5:00? There might
just be enough time!

What are you doing
running around

at 5:00 on Christmas morning?

- Stealing packages
off people's doorsteps!

- Wait... Hunter, is that you?

- Ah, fuck off!
- Ha ha ha.

Merry Christmas, Hunter.

Merry Christmas.

- Whatever.

- Oh, something smells good.

- It smells like Christmas.

- It is Christmas, dummy.
- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, guys.

- Whoa!

- It looks amazing!
- Holy...

- Merry Christmas, everyone.

- Whoa! What happened here?

- A Christmas miracle.

And here's the cherry
on top of the yule log.

Check out your stockings.

- Oh!

- Aw, man!

- Did you do all this?

- I did.
- Our evaluations!

- "Granfield Smith wraps hose

with the speed and grace
of a gazelle"?

- "Andy Myawani... more like
dandy guy with two Mommies"?

- It was 5:00 in the morning.
- Ike Crystal.

"Satisfactory.

Satisfactory..."

Satisfactory on every one!

Thanks, Cap!

- What caused
the change of heart, Cap?

- Well, Lucy, I realized
it was selfish of me

to tarnish your records because
I had the holiday blues.

- Or maybe somebody used
his new Christmas gift.

- You're right, Chief.

Your gift taught me
a lot last night.

Turns out, assholes
do have feelings.

I know this asshole does.

- Aw...
- Aw ha ha ha.

- Wait a minute.
Did you know the bidet

was gonna have
this effect on Cap?

- It looks like there's
a new Santa Claus around here.

Or should I say...

Old Taint Nick?

- Man, the only thing
that'd make this day better

is if one of you admitted
to stealing that Darla doll.

- I didn't take it, Andy!
- No worries, gentlemen.

'Cause I know who did it.
- What? Who?

Seriously? - Follow me.

- Why can't you just
tell us now?

Go...

boom. - Whoa!

So this whole time
it's been Mark Budmartin?

- The actor who played
Mark Budmartin.

- I knew that guy was a phony!

- I'm sorry for accusing you.

- Aw, man, it's okay.

- I'm sorry too, fellas.
- Take it in.

- Are you guys ready for the
genuine Christmas miracle?

That is not the real Darla doll.

- I think it is.
- This is the real

Pubic Defender Darla.

When I saw how weird
you guys were being about it,

I swapped her out
for another Darla.

Merry $15,000 Christmas to us!

- You're kidding, right?
- What? I saved Christmas.

- Why don't you read this?
- Right here.

- What does it say?
"Pubic Defender Darla doll.

M-I-P." What's MIP mean?

- Mint In Package.
It means it's an untouched doll

in the original package.

That doll right there
is without original package.

- How much is it worth W-O-O-P?

- $122.

- Well, then we're gonna
spend that $122

on sugar plums
and peppermint bark.

- Yay!
- Good for you, Cap!

- Merry Christmas, Cap.

And God bless us... every one.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Merry Christmas, ho ho ho.

- Who's been good this year?
- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
I like you guys.

Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.

Hey... 314 families.
That's a new record!

- Awesome!
- Hey guys, come on over.

Chief's gonna read his poem.
- Yay!

- Yeah ha ha ha!

Okay, guys.

"'Twas the night before
Christmas at Tacoma FD.

"What a year it has been,
filled with whimsy and glee.

Chief Terry banned gambling,
but it went on, however."

- No it did not, no it did not.
- Not really.

- "While a fire in Dildo Town
brought enemies together.

"Eddie's dad paid a visit
and was nice only to Lucy.

"The guys on the C team
turned out to be douchey.

- Big time.
- "Cap joined the Fire Choir

by using his lips,
and Nightmare Manor

"gave Granny a case of the yips.

- Ha, that was so funny!
- Man, I had to lawyer up.

- "Low voice Lucy
sounded like Barry White.

"And Ike's brother needed help

"'cause his sperm count
was light.

- He was havin' a tough time.

- "Cap grew his hair
an incredible length

"while a stray bolt of lightning

gave Andy super strength."

- Wait, wait, wait...
When did that happen?

- I'm just making sure
you're awake.

- Ha ha, that didn't happen!
- "At the Firemen's Ball

the elevator was stuck."
- I don't remember that.

- "And this holiday season,

Eddie learned to give a fuck."

- Thanks to you guys.
- That's right.

- So as we wrap up our tale
and we ride out of sight...

- Merry Christmas to all,

and to all a good night.

Ain't that right, Darla?

- You said it, Snowman!

- Station 24,
man stuck in chimney.

Please respond.
- All right, here we go guys!