Tacoma FD (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Cop Wars - full transcript
16645 Wagamash. Go get 'em, boys.
You got it, Cap.
- Hi.
- Morning.
You, uh, you called about the lockout?
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Ah!
I came to check the mail.
I locked myself out.
I thought about breaking the window,
but this seemed more civilized.
Hey, well, civility is what separates us
from animals, right?
Uh, do you... do you have your ID
on you, ma'am, by any chance?
Unfortunately, I don't
normally carry it in my PJs.
- Oh! Right.
- Right.
But it's inside, probably
next to my keys.
Yeah. The problem is,
we really should see your ID
before we gain access to the...
Oh, come on. It's my house.
I bought it in 2012.
I'm in my robe and slippers.
I can see that.
And I left the curling iron
on inside next to a magazine.
None of us want a fire... am I right?
Uh-oh. She speaks firefighter.
Fluently. "Firelingual."
- Oh!
- That's great.
- Wow.
- That's...
So, um...
- Uh.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, um, uh...
- I think we can...
- Yeah, let's...
- Okay.
Three years of musical theater.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I didn't do it for all four years.
- Give me the half millimeter.
Yes. Uh.
- The one smaller.
- Yes.
- Sorry. One second.
- Oh.
- Take your time.
- Stay with me, Eddie.
I'm a tenor sometimes.
Other times, I like to keep
it, uh, I don't know...
- Oh, oh.
- Oh. That's got it. Ma'am.
- Yeah. Of course.
- Thank you so much.
Better get to that curling iron.
Right.
- She was something else, huh?
- She was.
- I think she liked you, man.
- Yeah, I felt that.
There was some tension, huh?
- Oh, man.
- I was down there.
Hey! Let's go, boys!
Okay. Uh.
♪ See you later ♪
Let's go!
Everything cool with the lockout?
You know, you need a phone
app with facial recognition
so that you can just aim it at somebody
and it tells you who
they are, kind of like
Shazam, but with faces.
Sure. You could call it "Who Dat?"
Who Dat? Who Dat?
- Yeah, Who Dat?
- Yeah, Who Dat?
for the phone so that
I could be What Dat?
- Oh, yeah.
- Right? You just point your phone at stuff
- that you don't recognize.
- Yeah.
- Wait a minute... What Dat?
- What species of bird is that?
What kind of a joint is that?
What do you mean joint? Like weed?
No, no, like a plumber's joint.
Oh, like a bar that
plumbers hang out in.
Uh, no, like, uh, an elbow joint,
but something less
famous, like a U-bend,
although an app that does
plumber bars would be fun, too.
Oh, the rusty pipe is .4 miles away.
No, no, it's too dirty.
I want the invisible ass crack.
Engine 24, motor vehicle...
corner of Oak and Milton.
All right, buckle up.
So, uh, how was that lockout lady?
- Was she nice?
- Oh, real sweetheart.
Couldn't have been nicer.
It makes the job so much
better when they're that nice.
All right, boys, make sure
the ignitions are off
on those cars and check
for leaking fluids.
I'll check for injuries.
What's up, Pikachu?
Hey, Liz.
What are you guys doing here?
Why haven't you stopped traffic?
Tiny, little fender bender.
The cars are going around. It's fine.
Yeah, it's not fine.
- It isn't safe. Stop the traffic.
- Andy.
Check this out.
Do you know what a pain
in the ass that is?
Everything's gonna get backed up.
Yeah, it's more important
that nobody gets hurt.
Aw, come on, man. We're
almost done here.
The tow-truck driver
even said it was fine.
Oh, the tow-truck driver
said it was fine?
Shut it down now, fathead. Let's go.
Or do I have to call Captain Polonsky?
Let's go.
Let's go.
Yeah, move slower.
This will be good.
You're killing it.
Keep it moving, people. Let's move.
Come on. I got to get to work.
Should have left earlier.
Not my problem. Keep it moving.
At least the firemen are here.
- Those guys are awesome.
- Oh, get out of here!
Come on, move!
24, we've got a car fire
at 16645 Wagamash Street.
Why does that sound familiar?
Apparently, a woman in a
robe lit a Trans Am on fire.
- Oh, snap.
- Oh, snap.
Repeat... Trans Am on fire
at 16645 Wagamash Street.
16645 Wagamash Street?
That's my house.
That's my Trans Am!
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.
Oh.
Ohh!
- Yeah.
- Chief.
Look at this.
The Relia-star SA-5000 Ladder Truck.
Extends 125 feet. Look at that.
All right, GPS, Wi-Fi,
backup camera, seat
warmers, and it's ours.
Guys, the requisition
came through yesterday.
- All right.
- I'm gonna meet with Linda Price today.
She's gonna give us the
stamp of approval.
Chief, something bad happened.
How bad?
- Penisi!
- I'll let him tell you.
- Oh, boy.
- You stupid son of a bitch!
I ought to...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Okay.
- Polonsky, what's going on here?
I'll tell you what's going on.
Shuck's psycho ex-girlfriend
set his car on fire
because of these idiots.
- What are you talking about?
- They let her into my house!
Dude, she said she was locked out.
You checked her ID, right?
We asked for an ID.
- You did this on purpose.
- That's absurd.
We had no idea it was your
house or your girlfriend.
I mean, she's like an
8, and you're a 4...
no offense.
Hey, what are you smirking at, Pikachu?
Nothing. I mean, we were just jok...
well, everybody's joking around, right?
All right, the real question is,
what are you gonna do
to make this right?
- It was a mistake. Come on.
- Okay.
How about, uh, suspensions
without pay for these boneheads?
Come on, Jerry.
- Terry.
- Jerry.
- Terry.
- Jerry.
- Terry.
- Hey, guys.
So, a mom and son gave
us a box of Popsicles
to say thank you for being so awesome.
Oh! None for you.
- Oh, man.
- I'm sorry.
I guess we didn't know you'd be here.
Whatever.
It's not hot enough for Popsicles.
- It's delicious.
- Mmm.
So, what are you gonna do?
Okay, how about this?
I'm gonna ban lockouts.
Firefighters will no longer
let people into their houses.
- Let the cops do it.
- Oh, come on, Chief.
- Okay?
- Don't do that to us.
That's why I became a firefighter.
- I am heartbroken.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay. Play it that way.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just know that you could have prevented
what's coming.
Wait. What's that supposed to mean?
It means good luck
getting home tonight...
Pikachu.
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
Oooh.
- Oh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Shuck!
Unbelievable.
A boot on every wheel?
I mean, it's a little bit over the top.
Somebody get the bolt cutters
and take care of this.
Man, we need to get revenge.
Damn right we do. They
hit the Chief's SUV.
God, these guys are assholes.
Hey, man, what's up
with you and Salazar?
Oh, we dated in high school.
Is that why she calls
you, uh, "Pikachu,"
because you're her Pokémon?
No, because I dumped her,
and then she beat the shit out of me,
and then she called me
"Pikachu" ever since.
I don't know. It just...
feels mildly racist, but I'm not sure.
So, why'd you break up with her?
Our parts didn't line up.
Hey, you know what? Regardless,
you need to stick up for yourself.
Really? I guess so.
Hm.
Hey, it is racist.
- You looked it up?
- Yeah. Look, look. Here it is.
Terry.
- We need to retaliate.
- No, we can't.
What are you talking about? Why not?
You remember the FD-PD Feud of 2006?
How could I forget?
All the more reason to retaliate.
Look, I want to hit them
back as much as you do,
but we can't let it get out of control.
What's going on here?
In 2006, you were right there with me.
Yeah. How could I forget?
Okay.
But I want that SA-5000
Ladder Truck, okay?
And if we get in a feud with the PD
and Linda Price finds out,
we're done... no truck.
This is bigger than a truck, Terry.
This is about our dignity.
No. Nothing's bigger than a truck.
Don't hit back...
that's an order from
your superior officer.
- Okay. I'll tell the guys.
- Good.
You got to twist it out.
- No, you just got to get behind it, man.
- Hey.
Great news, guys.
Chief says we can retaliate,
but he doesn't want to know about it.
That way, if he's questioned,
he can play dumb...
plausible deniability.
Combustible pliability,
just like I was saying.
That, too. So we're gonna hit 'em hard.
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Okay, but it's a secret, so
keep it down when you cheer.
What the frick?!
There's no gas!
Oh, what the fuck?!
What's up with the water?!
Oh, yeah.
I was thinking that we
would drive to Seattle,
get matching tattoos,
and then hit a Major League Soccer game.
Yeah.
Baby, why would you have
to bring up my wife?
The gas and water just got cut off.
Let me call you back, baby.
What the fuck?!
This is wack.
This is really wack.
_
_
_
Son of a...
Do you guys remember SARS?
- Mm-hmm.
- The disease?
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Yeah, dude...
Those ladies over there
just gave us free tacos.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Sisters. Thank you.
- Wow.
- Oh, man.
When was the last time you
saw nuns eating tacos?
I know. I thought they all
ate at the Hamburger Habit.
- Oh!
- Habit.
I know. I'm hysterical.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Department
of Water and Power.
Well, if you have any questions,
Not funny, asshole.
My scalp is on fire right now
because I haven't been able
to rinse out my lice shampoo.
- Ugh.
- You don't have to admit that, you know?
You could've just said "shampoo."
- Yeah. Yeah.
- It's gross, right.
- Just straight shampoo.
- I mean, we appreciate your honesty,
but can you step away
from the tacos, please?
Oh, what... you get some
tacos from some nuns,
and suddenly, you guys are all that?
Yeah? Just be aware this
feud is officially on, okay?
I'm gonna work you like pizza dough.
I mean, you actually knead pizza dough.
No, that's the last thing I need...
goes straight to my hips.
- Oh!
- Hey.
- Come on. You kidding me?
- You got to...
You can't... You can't turn this off.
Laugh it up.
- We're gonna nail you.
- In the ass.
Expect it when you least expect it.
Well, you got to be more specific,
'cause I'm always expecting it.
Oh, okay. Can I see that?
Oh, thanks. Oh, oops.
- Come on.
- Oh, my God.
Gross. That's mine.
Remember when I stuffed you
in a locker upside down?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna do it again, Pikachu.
This shit is on like Michelle Kwan,
and none of you are safe.
- Wow.
- What's up?!
- Hey. How do I look?
- Total CHILF.
- Huh?
- Where you going?
I'm going to the meeting
with Linda Price
and the budget committee.
I'm gonna seal the deal
on the new truck.
I got to tell you something.
Unless there's a fire
burning, it can wait.
Okay. Just keep an eye out for the cops,
in case they want to hit
us with another prank.
Oh, come on. They're
not gonna hit us twice
without us retaliating.
That'd be a breach of feud protocol.
Yeah, yeah. It would.
Hey, you know what? Thank
you for not retaliating.
I really appreciate it.
As a reward, I'm gonna let you
drive the new truck first.
Oh. Oh.
- Thank you.
- Good work, Penisi!
Yeah, okay.
Hey, man, I've been thinking,
and your fear of Salazar
is making me really uncomfortable, man.
Like, you got to stick up for yourself.
Honestly, I love being pushed
around by dominant women.
It's like a mouse being
batted around by a cat.
It's just a thing I'm into.
- Oh, you mean a fetish?
- No, not a fetish... a thing.
- Oh, that's definitely a fetish.
- No, no, no. It's a thing.
It's like I just like
to have sex with things
that are much bigger than me.
It's like if Humpty
Dumpty fucked the wall.
Okay.
You've never experienced what it's like
to be pushed around by a taller woman?
I mean, she'd have to
be like Madea-sized.
- Right.
- Like, Tyler Perry-sized.
Yeah, well, you owe yourself to try it.
You'll never go back.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
My daughter and I wanted
to show our appreciation
for all that you do.
We brought you doughnuts.
Are you kidding? This is great.
- You did not have to do that.
- Thank you so much.
Ooh, look at those.
- Tasty.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- I like that.
- So...
- What?
Oh, what the hell, Ike?!
No.
Where'd you get those doughnuts?
Hey, sweetheart, did the cops
give you those doughnuts?
I-I bought them from Nut Nuts.
Oh, Nut Nuts. That sounds reasonable.
Hey, do me a favor.
Why don't you go ahead and
take a bite for me, then?
Oh, no, they're for you guys.
- Yeah, have the first bite.
- No, thank you.
Hey, you brought them here. Go ahead.
No, please get that
doughnut out of my face.
How about you, sweetheart?
Would you like a bite?
But we're not gonna talk to him anymore.
- Thank you so much.
- It's against the law to lie to a fireman.
- You know that, right, sweetheart?
- Okay, there we go. We're done.
Come on, sweetheart. We're gonna go.
- Thank you.
- Don't trust the police,
- okay?
- Ohh!
What the hell is wrong with you, Ike?!
- Hey.
- She's lying, man. I-I...
Oh, man! What am I doing?!
Ohh! Ohh!
This feud's getting to me, man.
Oh, she's just a little
girl! What'd I do?
All right, listen, listen, man.
We cannot let this feud get to us, okay?
If we don't eat these
doughnuts, then the cops win.
Granny's right. Take the first bite.
- Oh, I'm good.
- Listen, boys.
I'm going up top. I'm gonna keep watch.
If I say, "Zippo, zippo, nine,"
that means there's trouble, all right?
Stay vigilant, boys.
Tonight, we go to the mattresses.
To the mattresses!
We got to leave those steroids alone.
Seriously.
This is bad.
I just let Terry go without
warning him he's in danger.
Wait. I thought Chief wasn't supposed
to know about this stuff.
Um.
Hey, what's this... Nut Nuts?
It... Ah.
_
- _
- Eddie.
Come on!
_
I don't like texting and driving, Eddie.
Damn autocorrect!
_
Oh, come on, Eddie!
"You know I ate Mexican
dribbling penicillin"?
Does this make any sense to you guys?
Mnh. No.
What is that... a riddle?
Let's go! I'm late for a meeting!
License and registration, please.
Are you serious?
We got you texting and driving.
License and registration.
Were you guys tailing me?
No. Just taking a bite out of crime.
All right, cut the shit, Salazar.
I got a meeting at the City Council.
No one's above the law, McConky.
Step out of the vehicle.
The hell I will.
Oh, yeah?
Okay, shit for brains.
Pull back, McConky.
I'm the Fire Chief, and I'll be
sure to tell the City Council
that I'm late because a couple of...
Aah!
Ah, boy. He's pissed.
I should probably tell you guys
Chief actually told me not to retaliate,
- and I disobeyed him.
- What?
Why would you tell us that now?
We don't even have anywhere to hide.
- Hey, Luce.
- Hey, Uncle Eddie.
- Lucy.
- Hey.
- What's up?
- Yeah, what's up, guys?
- Hey, girls.
- Hey, there they are.
What are you guys playing...
"Minecraft" or... ?
Nah. Talk to you after.
Hey, they took my license
'cause I was texting
and driving with you.
Wait. That's what you're mad about?
Yeah, that's what I'm mad about.
You know I hate texting and driving.
Do you guys have any idea
how much shit my dad
gives me for texting and driving?
Check this out. I took a
selfie in the jail cell.
Oh! Looks like he's doing something.
- Oh, that's hilarious.
- Aww.
All right, enough. Come on.
Come on. You got to go.
- Let's go.
- All right, Dad.
Real proud of you.
Hey, how's Fire Academy going, Luce?
Pretty good. I just aced my
hazardous materials exam.
- Mm.
- Oh, congrats.
You are the "as-best-os."
Good one.
Yeah, now.
I'll use that at the Academy.
- Thank you.
- Bye, guys.
- Take it easy, Luce.
- Bye, girls.
See you later.
Gangnam Style.
Those girls are so excited
to see me every time.
God damn it!
Sorry about the texting and driving.
It's not your fault.
Everyone knows, in a
feud, it's tit for tat.
They hit us twice in a row.
They tit-tit-tatted us!
I'm the Chief! I'm
supposed to be off-limits.
You know, I feel like
I'm a little to blame.
No, no. Don't say that, okay?
You tried to warn me, and
I thank you for that.
- McConky.
- Chief.
Linda Price here with a helpful tip...
when a budget committee
is going to allocate
half a million bucks to you,
it's a good idea to show
up for the meeting.
- Linda, I can explain.
- Too late.
They're giving the money to the police
for an armored truck.
What?! They don't need that.
Sorry, Chief.
Maybe next year.
You know what?
You were right... we
should have retaliated.
Still nothing from Chief.
Is he all right?
Whoa.
Hey, what the hell you guys doing here?
We want to talk. Can we sit?
Yeah.
I know we've had our differences,
but we respect your chief.
- Mm.
- And what my guys did, well,
they crossed the line,
they went a little rogue, and it was...
unprofessional.
Guys?
All right.
- Mnh.
- Shuck!
Sorry.
Just...
took me two calendar years
to restore that Trans Am.
I mean, we're talking 400
horsepower, dual rear exhaust,
Super Comp headers, custom driveshaft.
I mean, she was my girl!
Yeah.
So when Kimmy burned her, I went nut,
and I blamed y'all.
Was that misplaced rage?
Yes.
Yes, it was.
And I'm sorry...
for going nut...
on all of you.
Mm.
Hey!
Kids bring you guys Popsicles.
Nuns buy you guys taco lunches.
Everybody just thinks you're heroes.
What do they think about us?
They think we're just jerks
who give out tickets.
And it hurts.
I know it does, yeah.
It hurts 'cause I'm a good guy.
- You are.
- I'm a good guy.
I like tacos, and I like Popsicles.
We'll get some on the ride home.
I know, but we have to buy 'em...
they don't have to buy 'em.
I made it hard on you.
I asked you to wear platform
shoes, but I loved you.
After you dumped me, I started
calling you "Pikachu"
because it made me feel
better to diminish you,
and I'm sorry for that.
If you'd find it in your heart...
I reject this apology.
What?
I am saying I reject
this apology, ma'am.
Slap me if you must.
For a little man, you
just made a huge mistake!
Hey, uh, you all right?
Ohh.
You're a sick son of a bitch.
You really got to try that sometime.
- Ugh, man.
- Ohh, man.
I was taken out.
How's that, Polonsky?!
Yeah, come on!
Come on, Polonsky! Come on!
Yeah, yeah! Come on!
So, what do you say?
- Truce?
- I don't know.
Maybe with a gesture of good faith.
- What do you have in mind?
- Mm.
We want the fire truck.
Yeah, you call the budget
committee right now
and have them allocate
those funds to us.
Come on, Penisi. Be realistic.
Polonsky, these two
assclowns hit our chief,
which means you're up next.
Now, you can end this right now,
or it's gonna be 2006 all over again.
You remember what happened back then?
How could I forget?
- Courtesy of Captain Penisi.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- All right, what do you say?
Hey. You're still at 2456 Maple, right?
Fine. You get the truck.
- Okay?
- All right.
Truce.
Come on. Is the spit a deal-breaker?
Yeah. Kind of.
Okay.
- Truce.
- Truce.
First responder to first responder.
Son of a bitch! Would you look at this?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
God damn it!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief!
That's our Chief!
Hey, Terry.
Eddie, you'll never
guess what I'm doing.
I'm trashing Polonsky's office.
Terry, please stop pissing
in the fish tank.
What are you talking about? You
love pissing in fish tanks.
That's your move!
Wait a minute.
How do you know I'm
pissing in the fish tank?
- Terry.
- Jerry.
- Hey.
- Chief. Chief.
- Oh!
- Hey, man, we got you something.
- Oh, there he is.
- Yeah.
- Oh, great.
- You done good.
- Didn't even rat us out.
- Yeah.
- Welcome back.
- Thank you.
Hey, on a good note, I got my law degree
while I was on the inside.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Congrats.
- That's using your time wisely.
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Nice.
- Good job.
- Wait.
What's going on with
your face? What's that?
What do you mean?
Chief, did you murder someone in there?
What?
What are you doing? Get...
- Stay still.
- What are you... Get...
- Oh, no, just a little schmutz.
- Yeah.
So, what's going on with these mutants?
Feud's over.
We all did some regrettable things.
But we're gonna bury it.
Although Polonsky did tell me that,
a couple hours before I got pulled over,
you guys cut the water and
gas to the police station.
Yeah. That, uh, sounds like
something Polonsky would say.
- Classic Polonsky.
- Yeah.
Eddie...
I know it was you.
What?
- Oh!
- Oh!
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh.
Will the ringleader of the
retaliation please step forward?
Nobody did anything.
Eddie, I still know it was you.
What?
Oh!
Aah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Ohh.
Did you do it?
If I admit it, you gonna
shiv me and slash my throat?
- Mm, probably not.
- Yeah, I did it.
- Ah.
- Yeah, no shit.
So, wait, wait. Who
gets the truck, then?
Well, when Linda Price got wind of this,
she decided that neither
of us gets the money.
Wait. So all that money
is still in there?
I don't know who they gave it to.
♪ It's so easy, but you know
it is a mackin' sleazy ♪
♪ I bought Jacuzzi, but you're
fleein' down to Japaneezy ♪
♪ This girl get fleecey like my
baby Witherspoon get Reesey ♪
It's a little trashy.
- Ah.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- You know I like that.
- You like that?
- Caught that.
- Thank you.
You got it, Cap.
- Hi.
- Morning.
You, uh, you called about the lockout?
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Ah!
I came to check the mail.
I locked myself out.
I thought about breaking the window,
but this seemed more civilized.
Hey, well, civility is what separates us
from animals, right?
Uh, do you... do you have your ID
on you, ma'am, by any chance?
Unfortunately, I don't
normally carry it in my PJs.
- Oh! Right.
- Right.
But it's inside, probably
next to my keys.
Yeah. The problem is,
we really should see your ID
before we gain access to the...
Oh, come on. It's my house.
I bought it in 2012.
I'm in my robe and slippers.
I can see that.
And I left the curling iron
on inside next to a magazine.
None of us want a fire... am I right?
Uh-oh. She speaks firefighter.
Fluently. "Firelingual."
- Oh!
- That's great.
- Wow.
- That's...
So, um...
- Uh.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, um, uh...
- I think we can...
- Yeah, let's...
- Okay.
Three years of musical theater.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I didn't do it for all four years.
- Give me the half millimeter.
Yes. Uh.
- The one smaller.
- Yes.
- Sorry. One second.
- Oh.
- Take your time.
- Stay with me, Eddie.
I'm a tenor sometimes.
Other times, I like to keep
it, uh, I don't know...
- Oh, oh.
- Oh. That's got it. Ma'am.
- Yeah. Of course.
- Thank you so much.
Better get to that curling iron.
Right.
- She was something else, huh?
- She was.
- I think she liked you, man.
- Yeah, I felt that.
There was some tension, huh?
- Oh, man.
- I was down there.
Hey! Let's go, boys!
Okay. Uh.
♪ See you later ♪
Let's go!
Everything cool with the lockout?
You know, you need a phone
app with facial recognition
so that you can just aim it at somebody
and it tells you who
they are, kind of like
Shazam, but with faces.
Sure. You could call it "Who Dat?"
Who Dat? Who Dat?
- Yeah, Who Dat?
- Yeah, Who Dat?
for the phone so that
I could be What Dat?
- Oh, yeah.
- Right? You just point your phone at stuff
- that you don't recognize.
- Yeah.
- Wait a minute... What Dat?
- What species of bird is that?
What kind of a joint is that?
What do you mean joint? Like weed?
No, no, like a plumber's joint.
Oh, like a bar that
plumbers hang out in.
Uh, no, like, uh, an elbow joint,
but something less
famous, like a U-bend,
although an app that does
plumber bars would be fun, too.
Oh, the rusty pipe is .4 miles away.
No, no, it's too dirty.
I want the invisible ass crack.
Engine 24, motor vehicle...
corner of Oak and Milton.
All right, buckle up.
So, uh, how was that lockout lady?
- Was she nice?
- Oh, real sweetheart.
Couldn't have been nicer.
It makes the job so much
better when they're that nice.
All right, boys, make sure
the ignitions are off
on those cars and check
for leaking fluids.
I'll check for injuries.
What's up, Pikachu?
Hey, Liz.
What are you guys doing here?
Why haven't you stopped traffic?
Tiny, little fender bender.
The cars are going around. It's fine.
Yeah, it's not fine.
- It isn't safe. Stop the traffic.
- Andy.
Check this out.
Do you know what a pain
in the ass that is?
Everything's gonna get backed up.
Yeah, it's more important
that nobody gets hurt.
Aw, come on, man. We're
almost done here.
The tow-truck driver
even said it was fine.
Oh, the tow-truck driver
said it was fine?
Shut it down now, fathead. Let's go.
Or do I have to call Captain Polonsky?
Let's go.
Let's go.
Yeah, move slower.
This will be good.
You're killing it.
Keep it moving, people. Let's move.
Come on. I got to get to work.
Should have left earlier.
Not my problem. Keep it moving.
At least the firemen are here.
- Those guys are awesome.
- Oh, get out of here!
Come on, move!
24, we've got a car fire
at 16645 Wagamash Street.
Why does that sound familiar?
Apparently, a woman in a
robe lit a Trans Am on fire.
- Oh, snap.
- Oh, snap.
Repeat... Trans Am on fire
at 16645 Wagamash Street.
16645 Wagamash Street?
That's my house.
That's my Trans Am!
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.
Oh.
Ohh!
- Yeah.
- Chief.
Look at this.
The Relia-star SA-5000 Ladder Truck.
Extends 125 feet. Look at that.
All right, GPS, Wi-Fi,
backup camera, seat
warmers, and it's ours.
Guys, the requisition
came through yesterday.
- All right.
- I'm gonna meet with Linda Price today.
She's gonna give us the
stamp of approval.
Chief, something bad happened.
How bad?
- Penisi!
- I'll let him tell you.
- Oh, boy.
- You stupid son of a bitch!
I ought to...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Okay.
- Polonsky, what's going on here?
I'll tell you what's going on.
Shuck's psycho ex-girlfriend
set his car on fire
because of these idiots.
- What are you talking about?
- They let her into my house!
Dude, she said she was locked out.
You checked her ID, right?
We asked for an ID.
- You did this on purpose.
- That's absurd.
We had no idea it was your
house or your girlfriend.
I mean, she's like an
8, and you're a 4...
no offense.
Hey, what are you smirking at, Pikachu?
Nothing. I mean, we were just jok...
well, everybody's joking around, right?
All right, the real question is,
what are you gonna do
to make this right?
- It was a mistake. Come on.
- Okay.
How about, uh, suspensions
without pay for these boneheads?
Come on, Jerry.
- Terry.
- Jerry.
- Terry.
- Jerry.
- Terry.
- Hey, guys.
So, a mom and son gave
us a box of Popsicles
to say thank you for being so awesome.
Oh! None for you.
- Oh, man.
- I'm sorry.
I guess we didn't know you'd be here.
Whatever.
It's not hot enough for Popsicles.
- It's delicious.
- Mmm.
So, what are you gonna do?
Okay, how about this?
I'm gonna ban lockouts.
Firefighters will no longer
let people into their houses.
- Let the cops do it.
- Oh, come on, Chief.
- Okay?
- Don't do that to us.
That's why I became a firefighter.
- I am heartbroken.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay. Play it that way.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just know that you could have prevented
what's coming.
Wait. What's that supposed to mean?
It means good luck
getting home tonight...
Pikachu.
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
Oooh.
- Oh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Shuck!
Unbelievable.
A boot on every wheel?
I mean, it's a little bit over the top.
Somebody get the bolt cutters
and take care of this.
Man, we need to get revenge.
Damn right we do. They
hit the Chief's SUV.
God, these guys are assholes.
Hey, man, what's up
with you and Salazar?
Oh, we dated in high school.
Is that why she calls
you, uh, "Pikachu,"
because you're her Pokémon?
No, because I dumped her,
and then she beat the shit out of me,
and then she called me
"Pikachu" ever since.
I don't know. It just...
feels mildly racist, but I'm not sure.
So, why'd you break up with her?
Our parts didn't line up.
Hey, you know what? Regardless,
you need to stick up for yourself.
Really? I guess so.
Hm.
Hey, it is racist.
- You looked it up?
- Yeah. Look, look. Here it is.
Terry.
- We need to retaliate.
- No, we can't.
What are you talking about? Why not?
You remember the FD-PD Feud of 2006?
How could I forget?
All the more reason to retaliate.
Look, I want to hit them
back as much as you do,
but we can't let it get out of control.
What's going on here?
In 2006, you were right there with me.
Yeah. How could I forget?
Okay.
But I want that SA-5000
Ladder Truck, okay?
And if we get in a feud with the PD
and Linda Price finds out,
we're done... no truck.
This is bigger than a truck, Terry.
This is about our dignity.
No. Nothing's bigger than a truck.
Don't hit back...
that's an order from
your superior officer.
- Okay. I'll tell the guys.
- Good.
You got to twist it out.
- No, you just got to get behind it, man.
- Hey.
Great news, guys.
Chief says we can retaliate,
but he doesn't want to know about it.
That way, if he's questioned,
he can play dumb...
plausible deniability.
Combustible pliability,
just like I was saying.
That, too. So we're gonna hit 'em hard.
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Okay, but it's a secret, so
keep it down when you cheer.
What the frick?!
There's no gas!
Oh, what the fuck?!
What's up with the water?!
Oh, yeah.
I was thinking that we
would drive to Seattle,
get matching tattoos,
and then hit a Major League Soccer game.
Yeah.
Baby, why would you have
to bring up my wife?
The gas and water just got cut off.
Let me call you back, baby.
What the fuck?!
This is wack.
This is really wack.
_
_
_
Son of a...
Do you guys remember SARS?
- Mm-hmm.
- The disease?
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Yeah, dude...
Those ladies over there
just gave us free tacos.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Sisters. Thank you.
- Wow.
- Oh, man.
When was the last time you
saw nuns eating tacos?
I know. I thought they all
ate at the Hamburger Habit.
- Oh!
- Habit.
I know. I'm hysterical.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Department
of Water and Power.
Well, if you have any questions,
Not funny, asshole.
My scalp is on fire right now
because I haven't been able
to rinse out my lice shampoo.
- Ugh.
- You don't have to admit that, you know?
You could've just said "shampoo."
- Yeah. Yeah.
- It's gross, right.
- Just straight shampoo.
- I mean, we appreciate your honesty,
but can you step away
from the tacos, please?
Oh, what... you get some
tacos from some nuns,
and suddenly, you guys are all that?
Yeah? Just be aware this
feud is officially on, okay?
I'm gonna work you like pizza dough.
I mean, you actually knead pizza dough.
No, that's the last thing I need...
goes straight to my hips.
- Oh!
- Hey.
- Come on. You kidding me?
- You got to...
You can't... You can't turn this off.
Laugh it up.
- We're gonna nail you.
- In the ass.
Expect it when you least expect it.
Well, you got to be more specific,
'cause I'm always expecting it.
Oh, okay. Can I see that?
Oh, thanks. Oh, oops.
- Come on.
- Oh, my God.
Gross. That's mine.
Remember when I stuffed you
in a locker upside down?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna do it again, Pikachu.
This shit is on like Michelle Kwan,
and none of you are safe.
- Wow.
- What's up?!
- Hey. How do I look?
- Total CHILF.
- Huh?
- Where you going?
I'm going to the meeting
with Linda Price
and the budget committee.
I'm gonna seal the deal
on the new truck.
I got to tell you something.
Unless there's a fire
burning, it can wait.
Okay. Just keep an eye out for the cops,
in case they want to hit
us with another prank.
Oh, come on. They're
not gonna hit us twice
without us retaliating.
That'd be a breach of feud protocol.
Yeah, yeah. It would.
Hey, you know what? Thank
you for not retaliating.
I really appreciate it.
As a reward, I'm gonna let you
drive the new truck first.
Oh. Oh.
- Thank you.
- Good work, Penisi!
Yeah, okay.
Hey, man, I've been thinking,
and your fear of Salazar
is making me really uncomfortable, man.
Like, you got to stick up for yourself.
Honestly, I love being pushed
around by dominant women.
It's like a mouse being
batted around by a cat.
It's just a thing I'm into.
- Oh, you mean a fetish?
- No, not a fetish... a thing.
- Oh, that's definitely a fetish.
- No, no, no. It's a thing.
It's like I just like
to have sex with things
that are much bigger than me.
It's like if Humpty
Dumpty fucked the wall.
Okay.
You've never experienced what it's like
to be pushed around by a taller woman?
I mean, she'd have to
be like Madea-sized.
- Right.
- Like, Tyler Perry-sized.
Yeah, well, you owe yourself to try it.
You'll never go back.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
My daughter and I wanted
to show our appreciation
for all that you do.
We brought you doughnuts.
Are you kidding? This is great.
- You did not have to do that.
- Thank you so much.
Ooh, look at those.
- Tasty.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- I like that.
- So...
- What?
Oh, what the hell, Ike?!
No.
Where'd you get those doughnuts?
Hey, sweetheart, did the cops
give you those doughnuts?
I-I bought them from Nut Nuts.
Oh, Nut Nuts. That sounds reasonable.
Hey, do me a favor.
Why don't you go ahead and
take a bite for me, then?
Oh, no, they're for you guys.
- Yeah, have the first bite.
- No, thank you.
Hey, you brought them here. Go ahead.
No, please get that
doughnut out of my face.
How about you, sweetheart?
Would you like a bite?
But we're not gonna talk to him anymore.
- Thank you so much.
- It's against the law to lie to a fireman.
- You know that, right, sweetheart?
- Okay, there we go. We're done.
Come on, sweetheart. We're gonna go.
- Thank you.
- Don't trust the police,
- okay?
- Ohh!
What the hell is wrong with you, Ike?!
- Hey.
- She's lying, man. I-I...
Oh, man! What am I doing?!
Ohh! Ohh!
This feud's getting to me, man.
Oh, she's just a little
girl! What'd I do?
All right, listen, listen, man.
We cannot let this feud get to us, okay?
If we don't eat these
doughnuts, then the cops win.
Granny's right. Take the first bite.
- Oh, I'm good.
- Listen, boys.
I'm going up top. I'm gonna keep watch.
If I say, "Zippo, zippo, nine,"
that means there's trouble, all right?
Stay vigilant, boys.
Tonight, we go to the mattresses.
To the mattresses!
We got to leave those steroids alone.
Seriously.
This is bad.
I just let Terry go without
warning him he's in danger.
Wait. I thought Chief wasn't supposed
to know about this stuff.
Um.
Hey, what's this... Nut Nuts?
It... Ah.
_
- _
- Eddie.
Come on!
_
I don't like texting and driving, Eddie.
Damn autocorrect!
_
Oh, come on, Eddie!
"You know I ate Mexican
dribbling penicillin"?
Does this make any sense to you guys?
Mnh. No.
What is that... a riddle?
Let's go! I'm late for a meeting!
License and registration, please.
Are you serious?
We got you texting and driving.
License and registration.
Were you guys tailing me?
No. Just taking a bite out of crime.
All right, cut the shit, Salazar.
I got a meeting at the City Council.
No one's above the law, McConky.
Step out of the vehicle.
The hell I will.
Oh, yeah?
Okay, shit for brains.
Pull back, McConky.
I'm the Fire Chief, and I'll be
sure to tell the City Council
that I'm late because a couple of...
Aah!
Ah, boy. He's pissed.
I should probably tell you guys
Chief actually told me not to retaliate,
- and I disobeyed him.
- What?
Why would you tell us that now?
We don't even have anywhere to hide.
- Hey, Luce.
- Hey, Uncle Eddie.
- Lucy.
- Hey.
- What's up?
- Yeah, what's up, guys?
- Hey, girls.
- Hey, there they are.
What are you guys playing...
"Minecraft" or... ?
Nah. Talk to you after.
Hey, they took my license
'cause I was texting
and driving with you.
Wait. That's what you're mad about?
Yeah, that's what I'm mad about.
You know I hate texting and driving.
Do you guys have any idea
how much shit my dad
gives me for texting and driving?
Check this out. I took a
selfie in the jail cell.
Oh! Looks like he's doing something.
- Oh, that's hilarious.
- Aww.
All right, enough. Come on.
Come on. You got to go.
- Let's go.
- All right, Dad.
Real proud of you.
Hey, how's Fire Academy going, Luce?
Pretty good. I just aced my
hazardous materials exam.
- Mm.
- Oh, congrats.
You are the "as-best-os."
Good one.
Yeah, now.
I'll use that at the Academy.
- Thank you.
- Bye, guys.
- Take it easy, Luce.
- Bye, girls.
See you later.
Gangnam Style.
Those girls are so excited
to see me every time.
God damn it!
Sorry about the texting and driving.
It's not your fault.
Everyone knows, in a
feud, it's tit for tat.
They hit us twice in a row.
They tit-tit-tatted us!
I'm the Chief! I'm
supposed to be off-limits.
You know, I feel like
I'm a little to blame.
No, no. Don't say that, okay?
You tried to warn me, and
I thank you for that.
- McConky.
- Chief.
Linda Price here with a helpful tip...
when a budget committee
is going to allocate
half a million bucks to you,
it's a good idea to show
up for the meeting.
- Linda, I can explain.
- Too late.
They're giving the money to the police
for an armored truck.
What?! They don't need that.
Sorry, Chief.
Maybe next year.
You know what?
You were right... we
should have retaliated.
Still nothing from Chief.
Is he all right?
Whoa.
Hey, what the hell you guys doing here?
We want to talk. Can we sit?
Yeah.
I know we've had our differences,
but we respect your chief.
- Mm.
- And what my guys did, well,
they crossed the line,
they went a little rogue, and it was...
unprofessional.
Guys?
All right.
- Mnh.
- Shuck!
Sorry.
Just...
took me two calendar years
to restore that Trans Am.
I mean, we're talking 400
horsepower, dual rear exhaust,
Super Comp headers, custom driveshaft.
I mean, she was my girl!
Yeah.
So when Kimmy burned her, I went nut,
and I blamed y'all.
Was that misplaced rage?
Yes.
Yes, it was.
And I'm sorry...
for going nut...
on all of you.
Mm.
Hey!
Kids bring you guys Popsicles.
Nuns buy you guys taco lunches.
Everybody just thinks you're heroes.
What do they think about us?
They think we're just jerks
who give out tickets.
And it hurts.
I know it does, yeah.
It hurts 'cause I'm a good guy.
- You are.
- I'm a good guy.
I like tacos, and I like Popsicles.
We'll get some on the ride home.
I know, but we have to buy 'em...
they don't have to buy 'em.
I made it hard on you.
I asked you to wear platform
shoes, but I loved you.
After you dumped me, I started
calling you "Pikachu"
because it made me feel
better to diminish you,
and I'm sorry for that.
If you'd find it in your heart...
I reject this apology.
What?
I am saying I reject
this apology, ma'am.
Slap me if you must.
For a little man, you
just made a huge mistake!
Hey, uh, you all right?
Ohh.
You're a sick son of a bitch.
You really got to try that sometime.
- Ugh, man.
- Ohh, man.
I was taken out.
How's that, Polonsky?!
Yeah, come on!
Come on, Polonsky! Come on!
Yeah, yeah! Come on!
So, what do you say?
- Truce?
- I don't know.
Maybe with a gesture of good faith.
- What do you have in mind?
- Mm.
We want the fire truck.
Yeah, you call the budget
committee right now
and have them allocate
those funds to us.
Come on, Penisi. Be realistic.
Polonsky, these two
assclowns hit our chief,
which means you're up next.
Now, you can end this right now,
or it's gonna be 2006 all over again.
You remember what happened back then?
How could I forget?
- Courtesy of Captain Penisi.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- All right, what do you say?
Hey. You're still at 2456 Maple, right?
Fine. You get the truck.
- Okay?
- All right.
Truce.
Come on. Is the spit a deal-breaker?
Yeah. Kind of.
Okay.
- Truce.
- Truce.
First responder to first responder.
Son of a bitch! Would you look at this?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
God damn it!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief!
That's our Chief!
Hey, Terry.
Eddie, you'll never
guess what I'm doing.
I'm trashing Polonsky's office.
Terry, please stop pissing
in the fish tank.
What are you talking about? You
love pissing in fish tanks.
That's your move!
Wait a minute.
How do you know I'm
pissing in the fish tank?
- Terry.
- Jerry.
- Hey.
- Chief. Chief.
- Oh!
- Hey, man, we got you something.
- Oh, there he is.
- Yeah.
- Oh, great.
- You done good.
- Didn't even rat us out.
- Yeah.
- Welcome back.
- Thank you.
Hey, on a good note, I got my law degree
while I was on the inside.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Congrats.
- That's using your time wisely.
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Nice.
- Good job.
- Wait.
What's going on with
your face? What's that?
What do you mean?
Chief, did you murder someone in there?
What?
What are you doing? Get...
- Stay still.
- What are you... Get...
- Oh, no, just a little schmutz.
- Yeah.
So, what's going on with these mutants?
Feud's over.
We all did some regrettable things.
But we're gonna bury it.
Although Polonsky did tell me that,
a couple hours before I got pulled over,
you guys cut the water and
gas to the police station.
Yeah. That, uh, sounds like
something Polonsky would say.
- Classic Polonsky.
- Yeah.
Eddie...
I know it was you.
What?
- Oh!
- Oh!
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh.
Will the ringleader of the
retaliation please step forward?
Nobody did anything.
Eddie, I still know it was you.
What?
Oh!
Aah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Ohh.
Did you do it?
If I admit it, you gonna
shiv me and slash my throat?
- Mm, probably not.
- Yeah, I did it.
- Ah.
- Yeah, no shit.
So, wait, wait. Who
gets the truck, then?
Well, when Linda Price got wind of this,
she decided that neither
of us gets the money.
Wait. So all that money
is still in there?
I don't know who they gave it to.
♪ It's so easy, but you know
it is a mackin' sleazy ♪
♪ I bought Jacuzzi, but you're
fleein' down to Japaneezy ♪
♪ This girl get fleecey like my
baby Witherspoon get Reesey ♪
It's a little trashy.
- Ah.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- You know I like that.
- You like that?
- Caught that.
- Thank you.