Sword Art Online Abridged (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
*School bell rings*
Shinichi: How could you just ditch me like that, Leafa?!
*Suguha chuckles*
*Suguha takes a deep breath*
Suguha: I thought I was clear about not mentioning that game in public, NAGATA.
Shinichi: Oh, right. I'm sorry, Leafa.
Suguha: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!
Shinichi: *Screams* I'm sorry! I mean Kirigaya!
It's just... when I came back without you... Prince Cazmer was... less than pleased.
He tied my hands so I couldn't log out.
He used the vice, Kirigaya.
I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to Cascada again.
Suguha: Aw, I love them.
Shit, I should have gone to that.
Well, whatever.
Just tell him I don't care what kind of stupid storyline he's cooked up.
What's the point of playing a Princess if people are still gonna tell me what to do?
Shinichi: I... I suppose I could pass that along for you... if you REALLY need me to.
Kirigaya: I do.
Shinichi: Cool...
Suguha: Now, if that's everything, you can get out of my way.
You're making me late to kendo practice!
Shinichi: Oh, right!
Hey, now that he's out of the hospital, is your brother gonna be joining you?
I'd REALLY love to meet the Hero of Aincrad.
*Suguha groans*
Please don't call him that.
And no... that spineless quitter hasn't actually practised in years.
HE'S always been more comfortable with screens than swords.
Shinichi: The Black Swordsman... doesn't like swords?
Suguha: *Groans* Look, are you gonna get out of my way or not?!
Shinichi: Uh, I will! I promise!
It's just... before you go...
I've been wanting to ask you something for a... a-a long time now...
Suguha: *Groans* What is it now?
Shinichi: Well, I was wondering if we could... maybe...
you know...
go on a REAL date?
*Suguha gasps*
Shinichi: Not- Not that I don't like what we've been doing, but I just thought maybe we could, like, go see a movie or-
Shinichi: Not- Not that I don't like what we've been doing, but I just thought maybe we could, like, go see a movie or-
*Suguha growls*
Shinichi: Not- Not that I don't like what we've been doing, but I just thought maybe we could, like, go see a movie or-
Shinichi: Not- Not that I don't like what we've been doing, but I just thought maybe we could, like, go see a movie or-
*Shinichi grunts*
Suguha: Don't get the wrong idea about us, okay?!
You and I are barely friends!
RECON is Princess Leafa's FUCCBOI! Got it?!
Don't confuse a game with real life, you perv!
Now, meet me in the janitor's closet after practice.
I got another quest for you.
Shinichi: Yes, Princess...
Suguha: *Grumbles* Fuckin' Nagata. What the hell's so great about Kazuto anyway?
Nothing but a butt-fucking quitter who hacks into MY GAME to... I dunno! Blackmail me, probably!
*Thinking* *High pitched* "Ha ha, Suguha!"
"You act like you're a bad bitch, but you secretly like all this GIRLY shit,"
"like FAIRIES and NAGATA and PONIES".
*Suguha groans*
*Normal voice* Yeah, he would say that, that son of a bitch.
Givin' me those sad puppy dog eyes, trickin' me into feelin' bad for him.
This is what I get for being nice!
*Kirito chuckles*
This is what I get for being nice!
Well... he made a BIG mistake challenging me here.
This cutesy little world has many dark corners...
and I think I know just the one to take him to first...
Leafa: Welcome to the Fairport!
Kirito: Wait... The WHAT?
♪ Can we live a Real Life? ♪
♪ A Real Life; and do we even know what that means? ♪
♪ Can we live a Real Life; and know people outside machines? ♪
♪ Can we live a Real Life between the devil and the digital sea? ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Can we live a Real Life between the devil and the digital sea? ♪
Kirito: So you're telling me... that there are people who log into this game... just so they can pretend to run an airport?
Leafa: "Fairport".
Kirito: Dooooon't.
Cazmer: *Noble voice* Princess Leafa. There you are.
It's a good thing we caught you before you got through customs.
Kirito: They do that, too?!
Aw, I hate it!
Cazmer: Not only did you embarrass me, as well as the Queen, by failing to attend our engagement party,
but now I find you GALLIVANTING with this DETESTABLE SPRIGGAN TRASH?!
Kirito: Trash has a name, by the way.
In case anyone cares.
Leafa: Listen, dude. I'm not gonna lie.
I don't wanna fake marry you.
I only agreed to it 'cuz my FAKE MOM said I FAKE HAD TO in order to...
What was it...?
Cazmer: End the civil war that ravages our homeland?!
Leafa: Yeah, that bull honkey.
But see, I'm bored now.
Imma go hang out with this guy for awhile, okay?
*Cazmer growls*
Cazmer: Princess... I REALLY must INSIST.
It is IMPERATIVE that you come with us im-
*Kirito sighs*
It is IMPERATIVE that you come with us im-
Kirito: Come on, dude. She said she's not interested.
Have some self-respect, and cool it with the sleazy roleplay fetish schtick.
You're a young, eligible, nobleman.
I'm sure you've gotta've plenty of cousins who'd LOVE to take her place in the ol' marriage bed.
*Cazmer growls*
*Shing*
Cazmer: Know your place, SPRIGGAN!
I know not how you seduced our fair Princess...
*Leafa gags in disgust*
Cazmer: ...but events have been set in motion which are BEYOND your MEAGER comprehension!
Kirito: *Sarcastically* Oh, yeah, sure. I bet.
What, is she, like, a fallen star made flesh, and you gotta stop a gang of witches from eating her heart and regaining their lost youth?
Cazmer: *Normal voice* Okay, first off, that's the plot of Stardust.
*Noble voice* Second, I don't have time to explain it to the likes of YOU.
All you need to understand is that what I do...
I do for the good of us all.
Guard: *Whispering* Your Highness, perhaps this is a conversation you should have in private?
The pretzel guy is staring at us.
Pretzel Guy: *New York accent* Hey, any of you nice folks want a pretzel?
*Cazmer chuckles nervously*
Cazmer: Many thanks, kind citizen!
We're fine!
*Cazmer chuckles nervously*
You see that, Princess? You are making a SCENE.
Leafa: Oh, oh you want a scene?!
Cazmer: That is explicitly NOT what I want...
Leafa: Well I'll give you a scene!
You just wait until my mom gets back from those peace talks at Butterfly Valley.
Your ash is gonna be so banished!
Cazmer: *Trying to hide fear* Ah... I see.
Ha. It appears we have been... sufficiently intimidated, wouldn't you say boys?
Guard: We have?
Cazmer: *Growling whisper* We have.
Guard: Yes, we have!
Cazmer: We'll just be on our way then.
*Cazmer chuckles*
Enjoy slumming it, Princess!
*Cazmer chuckles sinisterly*
Leafa: *Groans* Sorry about that.
Those guys take this game WAY too seriously.
Kirito: Yeah, I've noticed.
Look, before we go any further, I need you to be straight with me.
Am... I in for some "additional screening" over there?
Leafa?
Leafa, come on.
Answer me!
Security Guard: Greetings! How are you folks doing today?
*Gasps* Ooo, a Spriggan!
*Rubber glove snaps*
*Kirito sighs*
Kirito: You know what you never see in fantasy?
Sam and Frodo filing for work visas to get into MORDOR.
Leafa: Yeah! They just snuck in, spitting all over Sauron's borders!
Flippin' Hobbits: The SPRIGGANS of Middle Earth.
Kirito: Do you, like, forget I'm here, or do you just not care?
Leafa: You're right. The view IS beautiful up here.
*Windows error noise*
Kirito: Cool.
You know what else is beautiful?
My wife.
Whom I would VERY much like to rescue.
With the ARMY that you apparently have!
Leafa: Huh? Really? That's what you're going with?
Wait, what do you mean "army"?
Kirito: What do you mean "what do I mean"?!
Last night!
You said you had, like, hordes of subjects who could help us!
Please do not tell me I just got my cavity searched for nothing, Princess!
Leafa: Oh, uh, right! Of course!
I guess we could go ask mom... she might be cool... for once...
Recon: PRIIIIIIIIIINCESSSSSSSSSS!!!
Leafa: Ah, thank goodness. I'm SO glad to see you!
Recon: *Gasps* Really?
Leafa: Well, I woulda taken anyone, honestly.
Recon: Aaaaawww...
Kirito: Don't you talk to him that way. How dare you.
Recon: So, where are you guys off to?
Going on a queeee...
*Recon clears his throat*
You guys going on a mission?
Can I come with?
*Heartbeat*
Leafa: *Thinking* Aw, corn nuts! I can't let these two talk.
*Heartbeat*
They might find out about each other.
*Heartbeat*
The last thing I need is Recon telling my brother about the handy I gave him.
*Heartbeat*
*Leafa gasps*
*Heartbeat*
Oh snap, he might tell him I baked him cupcakes!
*Heartbeat*
Yeah, n-no. Yeah, no, I gotta nip this in the bud.
D'uuuuuh, you know,
*Leafa chuckles*
I would LOVE for you to come along,
but, I actually have a SUPER SPECIAL MISSION that I can only entrust to you.
Recon: You do? W-What is it?
Leafa: I, uh, need you to keep an eye on Prince Cazmer for me.
He's been acting real sus lately.
*Kirito groans*
Recon: Of course, Princess. I won't let you down!
But... are you SURE he isn't just mad that you're bailing on the whole wedding storyline?
Leafa: Nah... Nah, this is something else.
He's def into some sketch shiz.
Kirito: I need you to stop.
Recon: Well, if you're sure, then that's good enough for me!
I'll get to the bottom of this no matter what!
Leafa: Cool beans, my dude. Feel free to start anytime.
*Recon sighs*
Recon: Alright, well take care.
And you, uh, Spriggan.
The Princess kinda tends to get herself into trouble... like... constantly...
so I'd appreciate it if you'd watch her back, okay?
Kirito: You got it, buddy.
I don't plan on letting her out of my sight.
I don't trust her... AT ALL.
Recon: Well, I trust you.
Like... to a weird degree, actually.
There's something really familiar about you.
Hey, have you been on the news or something?
Ah, my tootsies!
Leafa: Well, we all have our missions.
Chop chop! Time's a wastin'!
Recon: Eh?
Kirito: You know, you really should be nicer to your boyfriend.
Leafa: He's NOT my boyfriend!
*Kirito bursts out laughing*
Kirito: *Laughing* Yeah. Okay.
Yui: Regardless of label, you MUST care for each other.
Both of your heart rates increased by 22% when he arrived.
Kirito: Hear that? Science says you like 'em.
Leafa: Yeah? Well, maybe I'm scared of him! You ever think of that?!
He's got a big knife!
*Kirito and Yui laugh hysterically*
*Kirito and Yui laugh hysterically*
Leafa: SHUT UP!!!
*Kirito and Yui laugh hysterically*
*Yui laughs hysterically*
Kirito: Ah, this is fun.
Hey, where are we going again?
Oberon: So, I feel like we need to talk about this whole... "constantly escaping" thing.
I have no idea how you keep breaking through my security, but don't you think it's time to stop?
A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, kitten, and you're leaving me to plan this wedding all by my lonesome.
At least help me pick out a china pattern.
Asuna: Well, you want me to fit into my wedding dress, don't you?
Assaulting your guards is about the only exercise I get in this place.
Oberon: Ah, I'm glad you brought that up, actually.
You've been laying into the poor boys quite a lot, and... well, their... psych bills are really starting to add up.
Especially dear Shoji.
I don't know what you have against him specifically, but he's starting to take it personally.
Asuna: Yeah, I go pretty hard with Shoji.
Is he in today?
Shoji: NO!
Uh... I-I-I mean...
*High pitched voice* Shoji's out sick today!
Uh...
*Shoji chuckles*
Oberon: *Sighs* Well, I suppose I can forgive such trifles.
You might as well indulge these base urges now.
I can assure you that there will be none of that once the project is complete.
You should see some of the housewife protocols the boys are cooking up.
Somewhere between Leave it to Beaver and hardcore porn.
Woof!
Asuna: So, how exactly is that gonna work, by the way?
Am I gonna, like, have a remote, we goin' by Alexa rules, or we just doing a full Stepford?
Oberon: Oh you. Always asking questions, probing at the armor.
It'd almost be adorable if it wasn't such a nuisance.
Much like that little BOY TOY of yours.
Asuna: What?
Oberon: Oh? That certainly got a reaction.
Did I finally find a nerve?
Well, you'll be happy to know that we detected him logging in last night.
No doubt the little PISSANT thinks he's going to charge in here and save you.
The fool.
I suppose I could simply ban his account, but where's the fun in THAT?
No, I think I'll let him struggle for awhile.
Allow him to garner his forces, claw his way to the top,
only to find the gates completely impregnable.
*Chuckles* I can hardly even imagine the satisfaction of seeing that glimmer of hope DIE in his eyes!
*Oberon chuckles*
*Oberon takes a deep breath*
It should be quite the show.
Don't you think, my DEAR Titania?!
Asuna: I think if you touch a single hair on his head I'm gonna be wearing your guts like my mom's pashmina.
Oberon: ...Excuse me?
Asuna: I'm sorry. Did I frickin' stutter?
I said if you hurt him, you will experience PAIN and TORMENT beyond anything you could POSSIBLY imagine.
Your body will be torn apart, piece by piece, as you beg for a mercy that will NEVER come.
I will add your screams to my GOSH DARN SPOTIFY,
and I will see your head MOUNTED ON A FUDGING PIKE!!!
Oberon: Y-You should hear how ridiculous you sound right now.
Th-That profanity filter's doing you no favors.
*Unholy sounds*
*Oberon growls*
Oberon: Listen here! I am your KING, and you will NOT disrespect me like this!
Threaten me all you want, spit on my face, STOMP on my BALLS,
but you and I BOTH know you're POWERLESS to stop me!
Like it or not, you are going to clean up your act,
we are going to have a BEAUTIFUL wedding,
and you are going to spend the rest of your life in BLISSFUL, MINDLESS SERVITUDE!
NOW WILL YOU PLEASE HELP ME PICK OUT A GOSH DARN CHINA PATTERN?!!!
*Oberon tuts*
She's gone.
*Sighs* Of course she's gone.
Shoji: No, no, no please! I'm sorry that I lied!
*Shoji screams*
*Sirens blare*
*Sounds of a bloodbath*
*Shoji screams*
*Sirens blare*
*Sounds of a bloodbath*
Oberon: Screw it. Willow Blue it is.
*Sirens blare*
*Sounds of a bloodbath*
*Kirito sighs*
Kirito: Finally, we're here.
Why were you in such a rush to get to this specific spot?
Leafa: Oh... you know. It's, like, a... safe area...
where we can wait for our wings to recharge without getting attacked.
Kirito: Okay. Then, uh, what happened to those guys?
*Flies buzzing*
Kirito: Okay. Then, uh, what happened to those guys?
*Flies buzzing*
Leafa: *Laughing* D'uuuuuh, they must've been outside of the zone.
Look, if it makes you feel better, I can stay online while you log out.
Get yourself a snack.
Kirito: I don't know. I'm pretty worried about Asuna...
*Sirens blare*
*Sirens blare*
Minion Alpha: Bravo, come in! Do you have visual on the prisoner?!
*Sirens blare*
I repeat, do you...
*Sirens blare*
Oh lord...
*Sirens blare*
IT'S IN THE VENTS!!!
*Sirens blare*
*Sounds of a bloodbath over the walkie talkie*
Leafa: Well, you're not gonna save her on an empty tummy, are you?
Kirito: Look, I don't have time to be-
*Kirito's stomach rumbles*
Okay, maybe just a sandwich.
Be back in a bit.
*Powering down noise*
Leafa: Gooooood.
Now, before the forest folk do their work, let's see if you've got any evidence for me.
Yui: Evidence of what?
*Leafa screams*
Leafa: Wuh, I wa- I wasn't doing anything!
Yui: Ohhh, I think we both know that is not the case...
Suguha... Kirigaya.
Leafa: You're not really a pet item... are you?
You're, like... one of those...
Yui: Fully autonomous and sentient artificial intelligences?
Leafa: No, no, no, I mean you're, like, one of those robots that can TALK and THINK and junk.
Yui: Huh...
I sure am, sport.
Leafa: Whoa.
So, how do you know who I am?
Did HE tell you?
You gotta tell me what he's planning!
Yui: Ohhh, Daddy has no idea who you really are.
I only know because I hacked your AmuSphere,
as well as a few other things,
and found your account information.
Leafa: Wait... he really doesn't know?!
Well if he's not trying to mess with me then why is he even here?!
Yui: Daddy's attempting to rescue Mommy from the very handsy clutches of this game's administrator,
who is keeping her mind captive at the top of the World Tree.
The fact that he ran into you, a close family member, mere moments after logging in, was simply happenstance.
Leafa: That's ABSURD!
Yui: Correct. But it is also what happened.
Leafa: Yeah, no. I ain't buyin' it.
That butthead knows I'd never be caught dead playing a girly game like this!
This is clearly all part of some elaborate revenge plot!
Just admit it!
Yui: A pity.
If you will not listen to reason, perhaps more... DRASTIC methods will be necessary.
Leafa: Ha. Nice try, kid.
But you've got a TERRIBLE poker face.
Yui: At least I still HAVE a face.
*Yui giggles*
Leafa: What's that supposed to mean?
*Leafa makes muffled screams of absolute terror*
*Leafa makes muffled screams of absolute terror*
Yui: That should do.
*Leafa makes muffled screams of absolute terror*
*Leafa gasps for air*
*Leafa gasps for air*
Yui: Are we feeling a little more... cooperative now?
Leafa: YES! YES! Oh my gosh!
Please, just stop! I'll quit messing with him, okay?! I swear!
*Crying* I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!
Kirito: Um, thanks? But I think just the "saving my wife" thing is plenty.
*Leafa yelps*
Kirito: You're a bit jumpy.
Did something happen while I was gone?
Yui: Oh, yes! Leafa and I were JUST having a FASCINATING discussion about-
*Leafa makes frantic, panicked noises*
*Leafa chuckles*
Leafa: It's nothing. Don't worry about it.
Kirito: Riiiiiight.
So, you wanna take a turn and log out?
Leafa: Uh! Actually, we should really get moving!
*Leafa chuckles*
Kirito: Sounds good to me. But why are YOU suddenly in such a rush?
Yui: You see, Daddy, while you were gone, LEAFA received a message from her MOTHER informing her that the conference is drawing to a CLOSE.
Leafa believes we must quicken our pace if we wish to arrive before the other delegates leave.
Isn't that right, Leafa?
Leafa: I don't think we have any delis in this game.
Or... Or do we...?
Yui: She SAYS that if we get there in TIME, and play our cards right,
we may be able to raid the WORLD TREE with not only her mother's army, but the Cait Sith army as well.
SHE believes that, in working TOGETHER,
we may be able to achieve what none have been able to accomplish ALONE.
Leafa: I mean, all that mayo's gotta come from somewhere, right?
No reason we couldn't get a nice potato salad going...
*Yui makes a frustrated sigh*
Yui: But we MUST leave NOW.
Since the mountains surpass the ALTITUDE LIMIT,
our only way FORWARD is through KANDY KANE KAVERN,
which will slow our PROGRESS CONSIDERABLY.
Am I remembering your plan correctly... LEAFA?
Leafa: What? Huh?
I mean, YEAH! My plan!
Why am I hungry?
Kirito: Yeah...
Forgive me for saying this, ladies, but I'm a bit skeptical.
Leafa: Look, I know it sounds a LITTLE weird, but I SWEAR you can trust me.
I have nothing but the purest of inten-
Hey! Hey you!
Yeah, I see you! You get out of here!
*Forest folk hisses*
Yeah, I see you! You get out of here!
This one's not for you!
*Leafa chuckles*
*Leafa takes a deep breath*
*Leafa sighs*
But yeah. We should probably go.
Kirito: Hey, wait! No, get back here! What was that all about?!
*Yui and Leafa laugh hysterically*
Kirito: Hey, wait! No, get back here! What was that all about?!
*Yui and Leafa laugh hysterically*
Yui, this better not be another one of your quote-un-quote jokes!
*Bat squeaks*
*Yui and Leafa laugh hysterically*
*Yui and Leafa laugh hysterically*
*Retro music*
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
*School bell rings*
Shinichi: How could you just ditch me like that, Leafa?!
*Suguha chuckles*
*Suguha takes a deep breath*
Suguha: I thought I was clear about not mentioning that game in public, NAGATA.
Shinichi: Oh, right. I'm sorry, Leafa.
Suguha: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!
Shinichi: *Screams* I'm sorry! I mean Kirigaya!
It's just... when I came back without you... Prince Cazmer was... less than pleased.
He tied my hands so I couldn't log out.
He used the vice, Kirigaya.
I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to Cascada again.
Suguha: Aw, I love them.
Shit, I should have gone to that.
Well, whatever.
Just tell him I don't care what kind of stupid storyline he's cooked up.
What's the point of playing a Princess if people are still gonna tell me what to do?
Shinichi: I... I suppose I could pass that along for you... if you REALLY need me to.
Kirigaya: I do.
Shinichi: Cool...
Suguha: Now, if that's everything, you can get out of my way.
You're making me late to kendo practice!
Shinichi: Oh, right!
Hey, now that he's out of the hospital, is your brother gonna be joining you?
I'd REALLY love to meet the Hero of Aincrad.
*Suguha groans*
Please don't call him that.
And no... that spineless quitter hasn't actually practised in years.
HE'S always been more comfortable with screens than swords.
Shinichi: The Black Swordsman... doesn't like swords?
Suguha: *Groans* Look, are you gonna get out of my way or not?!
Shinichi: Uh, I will! I promise!
It's just... before you go...
I've been wanting to ask you something for a... a-a long time now...
Suguha: *Groans* What is it now?
Shinichi: Well, I was wondering if we could... maybe...
you know...
go on a REAL date?
*Suguha gasps*
Shinichi: Not- Not that I don't like what we've been doing, but I just thought maybe we could, like, go see a movie or-
Shinichi: Not- Not that I don't like what we've been doing, but I just thought maybe we could, like, go see a movie or-
*Suguha growls*
Shinichi: Not- Not that I don't like what we've been doing, but I just thought maybe we could, like, go see a movie or-
Shinichi: Not- Not that I don't like what we've been doing, but I just thought maybe we could, like, go see a movie or-
*Shinichi grunts*
Suguha: Don't get the wrong idea about us, okay?!
You and I are barely friends!
RECON is Princess Leafa's FUCCBOI! Got it?!
Don't confuse a game with real life, you perv!
Now, meet me in the janitor's closet after practice.
I got another quest for you.
Shinichi: Yes, Princess...
Suguha: *Grumbles* Fuckin' Nagata. What the hell's so great about Kazuto anyway?
Nothing but a butt-fucking quitter who hacks into MY GAME to... I dunno! Blackmail me, probably!
*Thinking* *High pitched* "Ha ha, Suguha!"
"You act like you're a bad bitch, but you secretly like all this GIRLY shit,"
"like FAIRIES and NAGATA and PONIES".
*Suguha groans*
*Normal voice* Yeah, he would say that, that son of a bitch.
Givin' me those sad puppy dog eyes, trickin' me into feelin' bad for him.
This is what I get for being nice!
*Kirito chuckles*
This is what I get for being nice!
Well... he made a BIG mistake challenging me here.
This cutesy little world has many dark corners...
and I think I know just the one to take him to first...
Leafa: Welcome to the Fairport!
Kirito: Wait... The WHAT?
♪ Can we live a Real Life? ♪
♪ A Real Life; and do we even know what that means? ♪
♪ Can we live a Real Life; and know people outside machines? ♪
♪ Can we live a Real Life between the devil and the digital sea? ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Can we live a Real Life between the devil and the digital sea? ♪
Kirito: So you're telling me... that there are people who log into this game... just so they can pretend to run an airport?
Leafa: "Fairport".
Kirito: Dooooon't.
Cazmer: *Noble voice* Princess Leafa. There you are.
It's a good thing we caught you before you got through customs.
Kirito: They do that, too?!
Aw, I hate it!
Cazmer: Not only did you embarrass me, as well as the Queen, by failing to attend our engagement party,
but now I find you GALLIVANTING with this DETESTABLE SPRIGGAN TRASH?!
Kirito: Trash has a name, by the way.
In case anyone cares.
Leafa: Listen, dude. I'm not gonna lie.
I don't wanna fake marry you.
I only agreed to it 'cuz my FAKE MOM said I FAKE HAD TO in order to...
What was it...?
Cazmer: End the civil war that ravages our homeland?!
Leafa: Yeah, that bull honkey.
But see, I'm bored now.
Imma go hang out with this guy for awhile, okay?
*Cazmer growls*
Cazmer: Princess... I REALLY must INSIST.
It is IMPERATIVE that you come with us im-
*Kirito sighs*
It is IMPERATIVE that you come with us im-
Kirito: Come on, dude. She said she's not interested.
Have some self-respect, and cool it with the sleazy roleplay fetish schtick.
You're a young, eligible, nobleman.
I'm sure you've gotta've plenty of cousins who'd LOVE to take her place in the ol' marriage bed.
*Cazmer growls*
*Shing*
Cazmer: Know your place, SPRIGGAN!
I know not how you seduced our fair Princess...
*Leafa gags in disgust*
Cazmer: ...but events have been set in motion which are BEYOND your MEAGER comprehension!
Kirito: *Sarcastically* Oh, yeah, sure. I bet.
What, is she, like, a fallen star made flesh, and you gotta stop a gang of witches from eating her heart and regaining their lost youth?
Cazmer: *Normal voice* Okay, first off, that's the plot of Stardust.
*Noble voice* Second, I don't have time to explain it to the likes of YOU.
All you need to understand is that what I do...
I do for the good of us all.
Guard: *Whispering* Your Highness, perhaps this is a conversation you should have in private?
The pretzel guy is staring at us.
Pretzel Guy: *New York accent* Hey, any of you nice folks want a pretzel?
*Cazmer chuckles nervously*
Cazmer: Many thanks, kind citizen!
We're fine!
*Cazmer chuckles nervously*
You see that, Princess? You are making a SCENE.
Leafa: Oh, oh you want a scene?!
Cazmer: That is explicitly NOT what I want...
Leafa: Well I'll give you a scene!
You just wait until my mom gets back from those peace talks at Butterfly Valley.
Your ash is gonna be so banished!
Cazmer: *Trying to hide fear* Ah... I see.
Ha. It appears we have been... sufficiently intimidated, wouldn't you say boys?
Guard: We have?
Cazmer: *Growling whisper* We have.
Guard: Yes, we have!
Cazmer: We'll just be on our way then.
*Cazmer chuckles*
Enjoy slumming it, Princess!
*Cazmer chuckles sinisterly*
Leafa: *Groans* Sorry about that.
Those guys take this game WAY too seriously.
Kirito: Yeah, I've noticed.
Look, before we go any further, I need you to be straight with me.
Am... I in for some "additional screening" over there?
Leafa?
Leafa, come on.
Answer me!
Security Guard: Greetings! How are you folks doing today?
*Gasps* Ooo, a Spriggan!
*Rubber glove snaps*
*Kirito sighs*
Kirito: You know what you never see in fantasy?
Sam and Frodo filing for work visas to get into MORDOR.
Leafa: Yeah! They just snuck in, spitting all over Sauron's borders!
Flippin' Hobbits: The SPRIGGANS of Middle Earth.
Kirito: Do you, like, forget I'm here, or do you just not care?
Leafa: You're right. The view IS beautiful up here.
*Windows error noise*
Kirito: Cool.
You know what else is beautiful?
My wife.
Whom I would VERY much like to rescue.
With the ARMY that you apparently have!
Leafa: Huh? Really? That's what you're going with?
Wait, what do you mean "army"?
Kirito: What do you mean "what do I mean"?!
Last night!
You said you had, like, hordes of subjects who could help us!
Please do not tell me I just got my cavity searched for nothing, Princess!
Leafa: Oh, uh, right! Of course!
I guess we could go ask mom... she might be cool... for once...
Recon: PRIIIIIIIIIINCESSSSSSSSSS!!!
Leafa: Ah, thank goodness. I'm SO glad to see you!
Recon: *Gasps* Really?
Leafa: Well, I woulda taken anyone, honestly.
Recon: Aaaaawww...
Kirito: Don't you talk to him that way. How dare you.
Recon: So, where are you guys off to?
Going on a queeee...
*Recon clears his throat*
You guys going on a mission?
Can I come with?
*Heartbeat*
Leafa: *Thinking* Aw, corn nuts! I can't let these two talk.
*Heartbeat*
They might find out about each other.
*Heartbeat*
The last thing I need is Recon telling my brother about the handy I gave him.
*Heartbeat*
*Leafa gasps*
*Heartbeat*
Oh snap, he might tell him I baked him cupcakes!
*Heartbeat*
Yeah, n-no. Yeah, no, I gotta nip this in the bud.
D'uuuuuh, you know,
*Leafa chuckles*
I would LOVE for you to come along,
but, I actually have a SUPER SPECIAL MISSION that I can only entrust to you.
Recon: You do? W-What is it?
Leafa: I, uh, need you to keep an eye on Prince Cazmer for me.
He's been acting real sus lately.
*Kirito groans*
Recon: Of course, Princess. I won't let you down!
But... are you SURE he isn't just mad that you're bailing on the whole wedding storyline?
Leafa: Nah... Nah, this is something else.
He's def into some sketch shiz.
Kirito: I need you to stop.
Recon: Well, if you're sure, then that's good enough for me!
I'll get to the bottom of this no matter what!
Leafa: Cool beans, my dude. Feel free to start anytime.
*Recon sighs*
Recon: Alright, well take care.
And you, uh, Spriggan.
The Princess kinda tends to get herself into trouble... like... constantly...
so I'd appreciate it if you'd watch her back, okay?
Kirito: You got it, buddy.
I don't plan on letting her out of my sight.
I don't trust her... AT ALL.
Recon: Well, I trust you.
Like... to a weird degree, actually.
There's something really familiar about you.
Hey, have you been on the news or something?
Ah, my tootsies!
Leafa: Well, we all have our missions.
Chop chop! Time's a wastin'!
Recon: Eh?
Kirito: You know, you really should be nicer to your boyfriend.
Leafa: He's NOT my boyfriend!
*Kirito bursts out laughing*
Kirito: *Laughing* Yeah. Okay.
Yui: Regardless of label, you MUST care for each other.
Both of your heart rates increased by 22% when he arrived.
Kirito: Hear that? Science says you like 'em.
Leafa: Yeah? Well, maybe I'm scared of him! You ever think of that?!
He's got a big knife!
*Kirito and Yui laugh hysterically*
*Kirito and Yui laugh hysterically*
Leafa: SHUT UP!!!
*Kirito and Yui laugh hysterically*
*Yui laughs hysterically*
Kirito: Ah, this is fun.
Hey, where are we going again?
Oberon: So, I feel like we need to talk about this whole... "constantly escaping" thing.
I have no idea how you keep breaking through my security, but don't you think it's time to stop?
A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, kitten, and you're leaving me to plan this wedding all by my lonesome.
At least help me pick out a china pattern.
Asuna: Well, you want me to fit into my wedding dress, don't you?
Assaulting your guards is about the only exercise I get in this place.
Oberon: Ah, I'm glad you brought that up, actually.
You've been laying into the poor boys quite a lot, and... well, their... psych bills are really starting to add up.
Especially dear Shoji.
I don't know what you have against him specifically, but he's starting to take it personally.
Asuna: Yeah, I go pretty hard with Shoji.
Is he in today?
Shoji: NO!
Uh... I-I-I mean...
*High pitched voice* Shoji's out sick today!
Uh...
*Shoji chuckles*
Oberon: *Sighs* Well, I suppose I can forgive such trifles.
You might as well indulge these base urges now.
I can assure you that there will be none of that once the project is complete.
You should see some of the housewife protocols the boys are cooking up.
Somewhere between Leave it to Beaver and hardcore porn.
Woof!
Asuna: So, how exactly is that gonna work, by the way?
Am I gonna, like, have a remote, we goin' by Alexa rules, or we just doing a full Stepford?
Oberon: Oh you. Always asking questions, probing at the armor.
It'd almost be adorable if it wasn't such a nuisance.
Much like that little BOY TOY of yours.
Asuna: What?
Oberon: Oh? That certainly got a reaction.
Did I finally find a nerve?
Well, you'll be happy to know that we detected him logging in last night.
No doubt the little PISSANT thinks he's going to charge in here and save you.
The fool.
I suppose I could simply ban his account, but where's the fun in THAT?
No, I think I'll let him struggle for awhile.
Allow him to garner his forces, claw his way to the top,
only to find the gates completely impregnable.
*Chuckles* I can hardly even imagine the satisfaction of seeing that glimmer of hope DIE in his eyes!
*Oberon chuckles*
*Oberon takes a deep breath*
It should be quite the show.
Don't you think, my DEAR Titania?!
Asuna: I think if you touch a single hair on his head I'm gonna be wearing your guts like my mom's pashmina.
Oberon: ...Excuse me?
Asuna: I'm sorry. Did I frickin' stutter?
I said if you hurt him, you will experience PAIN and TORMENT beyond anything you could POSSIBLY imagine.
Your body will be torn apart, piece by piece, as you beg for a mercy that will NEVER come.
I will add your screams to my GOSH DARN SPOTIFY,
and I will see your head MOUNTED ON A FUDGING PIKE!!!
Oberon: Y-You should hear how ridiculous you sound right now.
Th-That profanity filter's doing you no favors.
*Unholy sounds*
*Oberon growls*
Oberon: Listen here! I am your KING, and you will NOT disrespect me like this!
Threaten me all you want, spit on my face, STOMP on my BALLS,
but you and I BOTH know you're POWERLESS to stop me!
Like it or not, you are going to clean up your act,
we are going to have a BEAUTIFUL wedding,
and you are going to spend the rest of your life in BLISSFUL, MINDLESS SERVITUDE!
NOW WILL YOU PLEASE HELP ME PICK OUT A GOSH DARN CHINA PATTERN?!!!
*Oberon tuts*
She's gone.
*Sighs* Of course she's gone.
Shoji: No, no, no please! I'm sorry that I lied!
*Shoji screams*
*Sirens blare*
*Sounds of a bloodbath*
*Shoji screams*
*Sirens blare*
*Sounds of a bloodbath*
Oberon: Screw it. Willow Blue it is.
*Sirens blare*
*Sounds of a bloodbath*
*Kirito sighs*
Kirito: Finally, we're here.
Why were you in such a rush to get to this specific spot?
Leafa: Oh... you know. It's, like, a... safe area...
where we can wait for our wings to recharge without getting attacked.
Kirito: Okay. Then, uh, what happened to those guys?
*Flies buzzing*
Kirito: Okay. Then, uh, what happened to those guys?
*Flies buzzing*
Leafa: *Laughing* D'uuuuuh, they must've been outside of the zone.
Look, if it makes you feel better, I can stay online while you log out.
Get yourself a snack.
Kirito: I don't know. I'm pretty worried about Asuna...
*Sirens blare*
*Sirens blare*
Minion Alpha: Bravo, come in! Do you have visual on the prisoner?!
*Sirens blare*
I repeat, do you...
*Sirens blare*
Oh lord...
*Sirens blare*
IT'S IN THE VENTS!!!
*Sirens blare*
*Sounds of a bloodbath over the walkie talkie*
Leafa: Well, you're not gonna save her on an empty tummy, are you?
Kirito: Look, I don't have time to be-
*Kirito's stomach rumbles*
Okay, maybe just a sandwich.
Be back in a bit.
*Powering down noise*
Leafa: Gooooood.
Now, before the forest folk do their work, let's see if you've got any evidence for me.
Yui: Evidence of what?
*Leafa screams*
Leafa: Wuh, I wa- I wasn't doing anything!
Yui: Ohhh, I think we both know that is not the case...
Suguha... Kirigaya.
Leafa: You're not really a pet item... are you?
You're, like... one of those...
Yui: Fully autonomous and sentient artificial intelligences?
Leafa: No, no, no, I mean you're, like, one of those robots that can TALK and THINK and junk.
Yui: Huh...
I sure am, sport.
Leafa: Whoa.
So, how do you know who I am?
Did HE tell you?
You gotta tell me what he's planning!
Yui: Ohhh, Daddy has no idea who you really are.
I only know because I hacked your AmuSphere,
as well as a few other things,
and found your account information.
Leafa: Wait... he really doesn't know?!
Well if he's not trying to mess with me then why is he even here?!
Yui: Daddy's attempting to rescue Mommy from the very handsy clutches of this game's administrator,
who is keeping her mind captive at the top of the World Tree.
The fact that he ran into you, a close family member, mere moments after logging in, was simply happenstance.
Leafa: That's ABSURD!
Yui: Correct. But it is also what happened.
Leafa: Yeah, no. I ain't buyin' it.
That butthead knows I'd never be caught dead playing a girly game like this!
This is clearly all part of some elaborate revenge plot!
Just admit it!
Yui: A pity.
If you will not listen to reason, perhaps more... DRASTIC methods will be necessary.
Leafa: Ha. Nice try, kid.
But you've got a TERRIBLE poker face.
Yui: At least I still HAVE a face.
*Yui giggles*
Leafa: What's that supposed to mean?
*Leafa makes muffled screams of absolute terror*
*Leafa makes muffled screams of absolute terror*
Yui: That should do.
*Leafa makes muffled screams of absolute terror*
*Leafa gasps for air*
*Leafa gasps for air*
Yui: Are we feeling a little more... cooperative now?
Leafa: YES! YES! Oh my gosh!
Please, just stop! I'll quit messing with him, okay?! I swear!
*Crying* I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!
Kirito: Um, thanks? But I think just the "saving my wife" thing is plenty.
*Leafa yelps*
Kirito: You're a bit jumpy.
Did something happen while I was gone?
Yui: Oh, yes! Leafa and I were JUST having a FASCINATING discussion about-
*Leafa makes frantic, panicked noises*
*Leafa chuckles*
Leafa: It's nothing. Don't worry about it.
Kirito: Riiiiiight.
So, you wanna take a turn and log out?
Leafa: Uh! Actually, we should really get moving!
*Leafa chuckles*
Kirito: Sounds good to me. But why are YOU suddenly in such a rush?
Yui: You see, Daddy, while you were gone, LEAFA received a message from her MOTHER informing her that the conference is drawing to a CLOSE.
Leafa believes we must quicken our pace if we wish to arrive before the other delegates leave.
Isn't that right, Leafa?
Leafa: I don't think we have any delis in this game.
Or... Or do we...?
Yui: She SAYS that if we get there in TIME, and play our cards right,
we may be able to raid the WORLD TREE with not only her mother's army, but the Cait Sith army as well.
SHE believes that, in working TOGETHER,
we may be able to achieve what none have been able to accomplish ALONE.
Leafa: I mean, all that mayo's gotta come from somewhere, right?
No reason we couldn't get a nice potato salad going...
*Yui makes a frustrated sigh*
Yui: But we MUST leave NOW.
Since the mountains surpass the ALTITUDE LIMIT,
our only way FORWARD is through KANDY KANE KAVERN,
which will slow our PROGRESS CONSIDERABLY.
Am I remembering your plan correctly... LEAFA?
Leafa: What? Huh?
I mean, YEAH! My plan!
Why am I hungry?
Kirito: Yeah...
Forgive me for saying this, ladies, but I'm a bit skeptical.
Leafa: Look, I know it sounds a LITTLE weird, but I SWEAR you can trust me.
I have nothing but the purest of inten-
Hey! Hey you!
Yeah, I see you! You get out of here!
*Forest folk hisses*
Yeah, I see you! You get out of here!
This one's not for you!
*Leafa chuckles*
*Leafa takes a deep breath*
*Leafa sighs*
But yeah. We should probably go.
Kirito: Hey, wait! No, get back here! What was that all about?!
*Yui and Leafa laugh hysterically*
Kirito: Hey, wait! No, get back here! What was that all about?!
*Yui and Leafa laugh hysterically*
Yui, this better not be another one of your quote-un-quote jokes!
*Bat squeaks*
*Yui and Leafa laugh hysterically*
*Yui and Leafa laugh hysterically*
*Retro music*
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.