Switch (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Ready?

Girls.

Why don't we just email them?

It's a bit late for that.

Hold onto your
broomsticks, girls.

Darlings!

Gee, this is totes amazing.

Hello!

You made it,!

You all look edible.

We were just about to
pop a bottle of Cristal.



Are you in?

This isn't social visit.

Sad face.

We know what you've done.

Drop the
bullshit, you cocks.

Major confused in
this corner, sweets.

The hex?

On us?

You must think we are thebiggest gang of bitch hounds

ever.

Yes we do.

Make a girl sweat.

So it was you?

Yeah, but-- you're going tofind us major in-betweeners.



This is India, Romola, and Remy.

Charmed.

Enchantee.

Witches Of Camden, meetthe witches of Kensington.

You sure they're new?

They look just
like the last ones.

Yes, they're new, Jude.

The hex, Alexa?

So we were joshing about,honing our casting skills,

and we thought we'd try a hex.

And I had a snap of
you four little scruffs

in solstice camp.

Didn't even think it would work.

I am totes proud of us.

You knew exactly
what you were doing.

Our fault forunderestimating our power.

Your fault for being
complete fuck plugs.

Age, not Louboutin
size, please.

Pinky shake?

Go fuck yourself.

What are they up to?

I don't know.

Look, ladies, we're sorry.

Honestly, darlings, we all are.

This whole feud
thing's gone totes OTT.

We're adults now,
this is bloody ridic.

Truce, yeah?

Why should we trust you?

We're offering
you an..

Stay.

Pretty p?

Have a drinky.
- I don't know.

It'll be jokes.

Come on.

Cheers!

I got sick of it,
the traveling thing.

I missed them though
so I thought--

shit, what is my thought?

You missed the girls.

Yes.

Yeah, so I thought-- enough.

I'm gonna stay, put down
some roots, get a job,

grow up, and all that shit.

I could never get that shine.

You could totes.

Your hair is amaze.

Seriously, basil oil,
lemon, and rosemary.

And it's like, shine dust.

Don't even get me
started on time keeping.

I gave the three of them
Rolexes for Christmas.

Did it make a diff?

Did it, hell.

Well, that'scompletely disrespectful.

Stay , Linda.

Mind the stairs.

Bye.

Find me on Twitter.

Is this what they
call a tramp walk?

You know, going home in
last night's clothes?

Yes, but you're
meant to smell of sex.

I don't-- I
don't smell of sex.

I smell of Alexa's posh candles.

Aw, she's all right.

We used to be quite close whenwe were kids, me and Alexa.

Before you lot.

She used to tie you up andforce you to eat mustard.

Yeah, that bit
wasn't so great.

You should've stuck with it.

Her wardrobe is bigger
than my bedroom.

Yeah, but if you
think about it though,

would you actually
want that lifestyle?

Yes, absolutely.

You know, I wouldn't.

Living off daddy and talkinga load of bullshit all day?

No thanks.

I work hard for all this.

OK, so it's not Kensingtonbut we all earn our keep.

Apart from Hann.

I think I'm getting the sack.

Brilliant.

And it's a final warning.

I'm taking this to tribunal,it's completely unfair.

"Abusive to customers,
drinking on the job,

and repeated
unexplained absence."

Good luck with that.

You know, they've got
a really strong case.

Yeah, well, if that prick ofa boss treated me with respect,

I wouldn't take a piss.

It's a fascist regime.

Can-- can we not dosomething about this, please?

No, I'm late for work already.

We can't the spell book outevery time you mess up at work.

Jude!

Exactly how much
phone sex did you have

with that Cuban guy last month?

Just a little bit, why?

Because we've got a phonebill here for a grand.

He only lives in Tootie.

Why not just have
proper sex then?

I'm afraid it's
like a

like Antonio Banderas.

Anyway, do not point
your finger at me.

Well, I've only used my workphone, Hann hasn't been here,

and Grace doesn't have
any other friends.

Sorry, Grace.

So it can only--

It was me.

I called Hann a fewtimes while she was away.

I really missed her.

I'll pay half.

Is that before or
after you pay me back

for the last two months rent?

Yeah, I forgot--

you don't have a job.

We cannot get by on two incomes.

I might still have a jobif we did a quick switch.

Final demand for electricity.

Spirit wise, spirit great,help us change hands of fate.

Replace a boss who's strictand tense with someone

who makes much more sense.

Someone who ismore like Jude, a hedonist

with a to boot.

Spirit gracious, grantthis request for a leader

No burns.

Yeah, me neither.

All good here.

All right, I'd
better get a job then.

Shit.

It's from Joel.

He's asking me to go to
lunch with him today.

Let's see.

Well, what do I do?

It's ringing.

Hello, Grace speaking.

Hi, Joel.

How are you?

Yeah, no, I did just call, um--

but there was an emergency andI had to put the phone down.

No, I'm OK.

I just-- I caught my--

tit.

In a--

Car door.

Vice?

Book.

I caught my tit in a book.

Anyway, how are you?

Yeah, I-- I'd love that.

Lunch 4 o'clock?
OK.

Great, bye.

Guess who I'll follow.

Duncan's gone.

Really?

Nice.

A big promotion in New York.

He's a car crashbut he gets around by air.

Any idea who's taking over?

Jeremy Claus.

Please, let it be somebodyin the..

And it was a bloke?
Fit?

Excuse me.

And halitosis.

Excuse me.

French would be good.

Sorry, can I just--

For fuck's sake.

What?

Gerry Blackwell,
your new boss.

Your face in the mirror
is only getting clearer.

When I close my eyes, everysingle day and every night.

No arm around my shoulder,only getting colder.

Trying to remember if
you were even real.

I don't remember.

I've got a bad feeling.

Bad, bad feeling.

Great.

I'll look forward to itI'll see you at 12 o'clock.

I've got interviews.

Only a temping thing but Icould be a brilliant tem-- per.

What the hell is that?

It was my fringe.

Um, it'll grow back.

In two hours?

This is horrendous.

Shit.
Shit.

What if it's Joel?

You're meeting him
in town in two hours.

Grace, I've got
another work emergency.

And I know it's
short notice, but is

there any chance you couldwatch the boys this afternoon?

Um, OK.

Well--

Thank you.

You are an absolute
lifesaver and I'll

be back here before 7:00.

Boys, get in here now.

Boys, be good for Grace.

What?

It's fringe.

It's fringe.

It's fringe.

It's fringe.

Shut it, you little bastards.

Who are they anyway?

Dave's the neighbor.

His wife died a while backso I've been helping out.

And, you know, well,
it is an emergency.

What about your date?

I can't go looking
like this anyway.

Hide!

I'm gonna end up a sad, lonelyold witch living on my own.

Babysitting next door's kids.

I can have the kids.

What about your interview?

There'll be others.

They're a handful.

I've traveled throughouter Mongolia on my own.

First things first, weneed to sort that hair out.

He
might be narcoleptic.

What's being lazy got todo with shagging dead people?

Hello.

Anyone got any skins?

It might be a test.

I'm all right.

Got some.

Um, Gerry?

Where were you last?

Over there.

No, workwise.

What store were you at?

Right--

Finchley.

I was only an assistant.

I couldn't believe it whenI got the call this morning.

Manager.

Never managed
anything in my life.

Sorry, do you want a blast?

No, we're OK for now.

Cheers.

OMG.

Dream boss contraire.

Gerry, could me and Jude
take a long lunch today?

Go for it.

Lounge liver
bellinis, here we come.

I'll have to
take a rain check.

- Shut up.
- There's an emergency.

I'm sorry.

Hi.

Again.

I was just wondering-- would Ibe able to have that blast now?

Buckle up, you
can't escape me.

Why can't you just
go to the hairdresser's

like a normal person?

I really can't with
this noise going on.

I'm meeting Joel in
less than an hour.

Well, I have got 35 minutesleft on my lunch break.

Stop fighting over the remote.

What about this?

Perfect.

This should do it.

Come on,.

Amazing.

Spirit wise, spirit fair, helpour friend to heal her hair.

Please don'tjudge or think it vain,

just help to put it right again.

Now, go, go, go, go, go.

You've got 20 minutes.

Love you.

Thank you.

Right.

Get your bag.
- What for?

Got you an interview.

Just sit there.

Don't I need more
time to prepare?

No, just be yourself.
You'll be great.

All right.

Malcolm, HR.

I hear you're interested inour position of office manager.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

So Hannah, what skillscan you bring to this role?

um, I can um--

I'm very resourceful,
good in a crisis,

always thinking outside the box.

I thrive on new challengesand from the satisfaction

of performing well.

Either as part of a
team or by myself.

You look fantastic.
Thank you for coming.

Thank you for inviting me.

Leg's better?

Yeah.

It took me ages
to work up the courage

to call you this morning.

Really?

Yeah, I was so nervous.

Me too.

I must have sounded
like a total weirdo.

No, no, not at all.

We're here now anyway,that's the important thing.

So then, I managed to divertthe hijacker's attention,

untie the bus driver, andcall the Colombian police.

Yeah, I think that
was definitely

the trickiest situation
I've had to resolve.

Gosh, well, I mean, that's--

really impressive
to say the least.

Thank you for coming in, Hannah.

It's been a real
pleasure to meet you.

Yes, thank you.

Just one final question--

and this is always
a tricky one--

how would you describe
your weaknesses?

Well that's piss easy.

I'm a kleptomaniac.

If it's not nailed down,
I'll fucking have it.

Joke-- obviously.

Sense of humor, big tick.

Thank you, we'll,
-- we'll be in touch.

You better happy,
you big bastard shit!

I'm so sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

I-- I really--

Stell, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

It's OK, I know.

It's Alexa.

Argh!

Last night I told
her how I wanted

to settle down and get a job.

And now she's
hexed your career.

At least it's
just me this time.

What am I gonna do?

Right, but first of all, Ineed to sort this mess out.

And what am I gonna do?

Just go home,
I'll see you there.

But don't worry,
we'll sort it out.

I'm not entirely
sure how but we will.

Sure you don't want a starter?

Walnut overboard.

Sorry, can I just--

Don't like making a mess.

Little memento
from our first date.

So tell me a bit
more about yourself.

Um, I come from a big family.

Four brothers and sisters,two fantastic parents,

all incredibly close.

Sounds lovely.

It was.

I came home from school
one day and, um--

they'd all gone.

Just like that.

Faulty gas oven and
some dodgy electrics.

Your entire family?

Things were tough for a
while but they picked up

again when I met my ex, Sarah.

Then she got pregnant.

Boy or girl?

Boy.

But he's not mine.

She ran off with my best friend.

Hey, hey.

I'm fine now though.

How?

I've met you, haven't I?

What is going on?

This sexy man is
the best boss ever.

True that.

That's what is going on.

There's a huge
queue out there.

I did put a sign on the door.

So--

Yeah, reckon they
probably missed that.

Sorry, Miss Poppins.

I think they're
getting pissed off.

It'll only be a
few more minutes.

Why don't you?

Because I've only
got one pair of hands.

Stop being so anal.

What?

I'm about at least--

We're flocking
clothes, sweet cheeks.

Not saving lives.
- I know.

All I'm saying is if headoffice come down here--

Head office.

Whatever.

Listen, I'm sorry if
I'm stressing you out.

You're not.

It's just, I
think you shouldn't

take things so seriously.

I spend my whole life nottaking things seriously.

Just because you're smokingweed in the stockroom

doesn't make you some
big fucking radical.

In fact, I could have
you for breakfast.

With what?

Folding shirts?

Overproof rum?

Last one standing wins?

Shut the shop, dickspin.

This is the
best day of my life.

Which is not saying
much, though, is it?

Um, ha.

Look, Joel--

I like you, Grace.

I like you so much.

I like you too but--

Shh.

I can't tell you how many timesI've thought about ending it

before I met you.

So I just want to say--

thank you for saving my life.

You're welcome.

[MUSIC - BEN COCKS, "PICTURE OF ME"]

We could be lovers.

Why don't you take a
picture of me, boy?

Has someone seen my keys?

Boys, stop it.

Haven't they gone yet?

I can't find my keys.

I have those spare oneshere, I want them back though.

Why didn't you tell
me you have spares?

Because you'll
lose those as well.

I have to go.

Sam, don't bite that.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get somethingof Alexa's to lift this hex.

The book says it needs
to be of intimate value.

I used to have a necklace herdad gave her but I lost that.

A lock of hair, her first pony.

Lost her pony?

She gave it to me and it--

well, it sort of drowned.

It doesn't matter, thepoint is this time I'm going

to get something and keep it.

How did the date go?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, he's really-- keen.

See?

You don't have any
ideas of how we can get

something precious of Alexa's?

How did you get in there?

Snuck in when you
weren't looking.

This is a terrible idea.

Shh.

We're corrupting them.

That happened years ago.

Hello.
Bubble job.

Bubble what?

I'm a scout, I'm raisingmoney doing odd jobs.

- Like what?
- All sorts.

He's in.

Lawn mowing, pond cleaning,massaging, anything really.

Hairdresser?

You could do with one.

I do great fringes.

I don't need a
haircut off a Boy Scout.

I'm cheap.

He's got one of her handbags.

Good taste, Sam.

Where are your parents?

Dead.

OK, I'll take that as a no.

Wait, I have a red
wine stain on my rug.

Sorry, bye.

You thieving bastard!

Shit.

[MUSIC - RACHEL BARROR, "LIAR, LIAR"]

People talk about youwhen I mention your name.

I can tell they love youbut they don't wanna say.

Checking if we're lovers
and then walking away.

Shit, you're good.

I take it all back.

How did you become
a manager anyway?

Fuck knows.

I'll tell you a secret though--

my heart's not in it.

Never kiss.

I'm in a band,
guitarist, et cetera.

I'm a fashion designer.

A very sexy one.

They really need to
clean up down here.

Come on.

We're going.

Come on.

And you are Hannah,
is that right?

Yes, yes.

I'm their babysitter.

I want all three
of them arrested.

One thing
at a time, please.

She's obviously
put them up to this.

Haven't you?

This has been one
big misunderstanding.

This has been devastating.

I feel violated.

Violated by a child.

Aye, aye!

Woo!

Look who it is.

What the fuck's going on here?

Have you been
drinking, madame?

Have you been a
prick all your life?

Right.

In the van, all of ya.

Now!

Wicked.

All of
ya, in the van.

Now.
Get in there, please.

What?

Give that here.

Come on.

Grace?

No.

Have you got your
spell book with you?

Yeah, but it's not much usewithout something to cast in,

is it?

Quick switch, anyone?

What is it now?

Could you take
us home, please?

No sweat, hot stuff.

I just want to know whyeverything you touch turn--

You are so irresponsible.

Those are Dave's
kids, he's a widower!

Don't you shout at me, I wastrying to help your love life.

OK, let's just be glad
that we were all there

and we could do
something about it.

You know, you're older thanme but you're like a big kid.

Stella's right, we can't
ask you to do anything.

Toby, where's Sam?

God.

Sam?

Sam.

Sam?

Sam?

Toby, when was the
last time you saw him?

He was playing
with a lightsaber.

The front door's open.

Sam?

Sam!

Sam!

Sam!

Sam!

Sam.

Sam!

Sam, this isn't a game!

Sam!

No!

No!

Keep still, don't move.

Get an ambulance!

He just ran out.

I can't move my arm.

What's going on?

Life rewind.It's brilliant, isn't it?

You are not allowed off thissofa until your father comes.

You know not to
run out in traffic.

Your mother got
knocked over by a car.

Have you not
learned any lessons?

Perhaps Grace and I
should deal with this.

Fine.

What happened?

You are very, very lucky.

We all were.

What were you doing
out there anyway?

I was just play
with the lightsaber.

What lightsaber?

Where did you get this?

The rich lady's house.

Spirit, take these
personal effects.

Cast the curse, lift the hex.

Hannah's
career it shall not rob.

Give back the chance
to gain a job.

Protect her from those
by who are to be met.

Let her go forth
and earn some rent.

Bitches.

I am so sorry.

I will pay for any damage.

Which one of them was it?

It was Toby, wasn't it?

It wasn't me, it was magic.

What have I told
you about lying?

They've been a nightmare.

It's OK, you can say it.

Hannah's been
looking after them.

They've been great.

Hannah can do
magic, they all can.

And look, I got a lightsaber.

Ha, that's--
yeah, that's mine.

And Hannah's got a remotecontrol that can make us cry

and rewind time.

And we went to the police van.

They had lights
on and everything.

And I lied to a rich
girl in a castle.

And I stole her handbag.

OK, I may need to
borrow that remote

at some point in the future.

Thank you, Hannah, I've notseen them like this before.

They're great kids.

Tough day.

I had a date.

Yeah?

But it was--

I know.

Make a lot of effort,
get all excited,

but it's just not there.

And I feel really guiltybecause he's had an awful life.

And-- this isn't
me being big-headed

but I think he
might quite like me.

First of all, his happinessisn't your responsibility.

Secondly, of course
he likes you.

You're beautiful.

He'll find a girl, everyone'sspecial to someone.

- I hope so.
- Of course.

Just got to find the right one.

Can I ask you a question?

Does this need salt?

I've got bad
news and just news.

Yeah?

Head office have been on.

They found out about
you closing early--

you're sacked.

Yeah, I lasted a whole day.

Pretty impressed myself.

What's the just news?

Meet the new manager.

Good for you!

Congratulations.

That's amazing.

Celebration dinnerready in about 10 minutes.

Time for a quicktour around the flat then.

I can watch the pan, yes.

Absolutely.

I shouldn't rely on
Grace as much as I do.

I think she puts herself
out for me quite a bit.

That's Grace.

You're a natural though.

No, I'm not.

You are.

Here.

It's fine.

It's only fair, you've
done a fantastic job.

It's fine, really.

Listen, the boys
been blacklisted

by every nanny agency.

You deserve a paying.

Hannah?

Could you just
move back a bit?

I've had a few problemswith earning money recently.

Is everything O--

OK?

Yes, everything's great!

So I've just--

I've just sort of earned this.

You have.

And you have a
future husband in Sam

if it doesn't work out withthe people you're..

And if you want to
earn any more then

I'm always looking forpeople to do the school pick

ups and all the boring stuff.

No, not really.

Well, it's like a job.

Come on, boys.

It's time to go and mess
up our nice clean flat.

Say goodbye to Hannah.

See ya, Hannah!

Bye!

Do you think we
lifted the career hex?

I know we did,
Dave just paid me.

I got paid for something!

No.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Do you live around here?

How mad is that?

This is where I come to.

It's my hood, it's
my stomping gr--

You were watching my flat.

I've blown it, haven't I?

I knew I would.

Why, why-- just for once--

can't something go right for me?

One little bit of luck.

That's all I'm asking for.

It's nothing to do with luck.

Take some responsibility.

Please don't cry.

Um, I--

I do try, you know?

I try really, really hard.

Maybe that's the problem.

You can't force things.

They'll either
happen or they won't.

Will we happen?

I don't think so, sorry.

You'll find a girlfriend
when you're ready.

Nobody will have me.

That's not true.

Everyone's special to someone.

Joel?

Yeah?

Let go now, please.

Hello, Gerry.

You smell nice.

I love women's bathrooms.

Don't know what half thatstuff's for but I just wiped

it on and rubbed it anyway.

Here, feel that.

Like a baby's ass.

It's lovely.

Sorry, do you want
to get in there?

No, no, no, I
was just passing.

And en route to the living room.

Don't fight your feelings--

fight your sweat.

What?

I don't think
she'll like that.

Women don't sweat, apparently.

Don't we?

No, we perspire.

Try telling that tosomeone with hyperhidrosis.

Stella, what the hell
are you talking about?

Excessive sweating--
new campaign.

I've got to makeindustrial-strength deodorant

Why Janet has given this
to me, I don't know.

God, do I smell?

No.

Why me then?

Because if anyonecan make BO cool, you can.

That was meant to
come out differently.

No, stop it.

You don't smell.

You're sexy, that's why
she's given it to you.

I don't feel very sexy.

Well, you are.

When was the last
time I went on a date?

That lovely woman
from Bassie Doc's home.

Her clothes were covered inhair and she had half-eaten

chew sticks in her pocket.

And that was 2009.

Well, you're picky.

It's a good thing.

High standards.

Can't force these things.

You know, someone will comealong when you least expect it.

It's all about the chemistry.

- That's it.
- Exactly.

Why go on a load of meaninglessdates just for the sake of it?

No, no, no-- the tagline.

It's all about the chemistry.

Perfect!
- Right, great.

Laters.

It's all about the chemistry.

I'll have that.

Bills.

Why is it just when weget our coven back together,

To do with the natural
balance of things.

Annette's got a coven togetherbecause we're back together.

I'm not too
sure about them.

Why not?

'Cause they're
not proper mates?

They're proper witches.

I don't get it.

Well, it's like sex, isn't it?

It's better with
someone you love.

Magic is not like sex, Judith.

It is and we're better
at it than they are.

We are.

If they try
anything again, we'll

have them because we're betterin the magical sack than them.

I'm not going to agree
with you until you

find a more polite metaphor,thank you very much.

Come and have sex with us.

I'm not listening.

Come on, Grace.

At least come and
have a drink with us.

Cheers.

Excuse me.

- Bloody hell.
- I know.

What do you have to do toget a drink around here?

Stella, that fit woman wastotally giving you the eye.

What was that?

Let me have that.

Where are you going?

Let's go.

Don't stare, you'll
make her feel awkward.

Dude.

What?

They're not mating pandas.

I can look if I want.

Can you lip read?

What are they saying?

Hair-- em--

pork-- chair.

Hairy pork chair.

Is that a lesbian thing?

Yeah, it must be unlessyou can't actually lip read.

Did yous?

She's called Ariel.

Of course she is.

What did she say?

She said she thinks
I'm really attractive.

Do I want to go for a drink?

Blah blah, blah.

She makes Megan Fox look likeAnne Whitaker and you're blind.

It's not all about looks.

Did you get on, Stell?

Yeah.

Yeah, we got on.

She seems great.

But?

I don't know
what's wrong with me,

I think I've got a condition.

This keeps happening to me.

You keep gettingpropositioned by supermodels?

Stella, you poor bastard.

No, I mean, I can't
seem to connect--

romantically.

It's like I go through
the motion but I--

I just can't find that spark.

It's like something inside ofme has just been switched off.

I need another drink.

This is awful.

That's just
Stella, isn't it?

She's, um-- fussy.

It's been five years sinceStella had a relationship.

Coincidence.

No.

We need to get in
touch with Lucy.

No.

You'd rather see
our friend single

forever than deal with it?

Yes.

Come on, Jude, she's right.

Well, you may be
happy for Stella

to die alone surrounded
by cats, but we're not.

We need to lift a switch andif that means getting Lucy

to come over, then so be it.

I'll text Olive tomorrow.

Last order, so I
thought I'd double up.

Cheers.

Coming.

Cheers.