Survivor's Remorse (2014–2017): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Dagger - full transcript

Da Chen Bao is Nike in China.

Going with Da Chen Bao,
it sets this family up

so that one day we will have old money.

Who's the new talent?

That's my mother.

You have such power in your arms.

Like a much more attractive Manny Pacquiao.

Very much completely at your service.

On the game-winner, what were you
thinking when it left your hand?

I'm pretty sure it was,
"Please, Jesus, let this go in."

So Jesus gets the credit?



No. If you thank Jesus for the wins,

you gotta blame Jesus for the losses.

Jesus doesn't want me
breaking a buzzer-beater

and pointing up to him
all, "That's on you, dude."

You're saying Jesus deserves better?

I tell all the complainers
around the league,

"Jesus died for your sins, not your wins."

Cam, nine for 12 beyond the arc...

- Sorry, gotta ice the knees, folks.
- Seven dimes, three steals...

Okay. That guy blows me off every night.

If you could tell me
why, I'd appreciate it.

I'm sorry. What?

Hey, Todd, is this
turkey bacon or pig bacon?

Turkey bacon, ma'am. Enjoy.



You know, out of the wrong mouth,

"enjoy" kind of mean "fuck off."

Ma, his name is Ted, not Todd.

- Huh?
- You called him Todd.

Todd got fired. That new butler's Ted.

I still can't tell the difference.

Turkey bacon's the one that
tastes like a waste of time.

Not the difference of bacons,
the difference of butlers.

White men of a certain age
with no hair all look identical.

Completely identical.
Like identically identical.

Ain't no difference.

Each butler we hire is
just like the one we fire.

Pasty, resentful fuck. He's
secretly waiting to take us out.

Hey, look at this.

You're actually dressed and ready
to go where we're going. Thank you.

Chill. We ain't gotta be at the
launch of my new sneaker till 7:00.

I'm not talking about
the sneaker launch thing.

I'm talking about your lunch date

with the new beat reporter Isa Catalano.

Don't act like you haven't seen the texts.

Oh, no, no, that's my fault, Reg.

I told Cam to limit his phone use

or Wi-Fi will kill his sperm.

- I want grandkids.
- I'll give you grandkids, Ma.

Aw, you don't have to take the dick

just 'cause I want grandkids.
That's sweet, though.

There's other ways to get
pregnant besides taking the dick.

- That "levitro" shit is expensive.
- We got money now.

And we ain't gonna keep it if
we start spending it on in vitro,

so just close your eyes and
think of the dick as a big clit

and start investing your
money in a college fund.

Just 'cause you got a new pussy,

don't be telling people to take the dick.

Leave my pussy out of this.

Reg, I ain't going to
lunch with some random.

Oh, she ain't no random. She's a big name.

And her game story didn't mention you,

so I called, and she said
you been throwing her shade.

There's 30 reporters in that room.

And for 29 of 'em, you'll
act like you dancing for tips.

Fastest road to ruin is
alienating a beat reporter.

Yeah, second fastest is turkey bacon.

Look, Cam, put some pants on.

Let's make this right. Please.

When have I ever steered you wrong?

Nipsey Hussle over here?

You tried to make me do golf that one time.

You used to tell me that I was straight.

- The butler.
- Backstreet Boys.

Fuck all y'all all day long.

Cam, Burnside, 1:00, man.

Be an adult. Give this woman her time.

I've never had this problem before,

and I've been a reporter
since you were an ugly baby.

- Ma'am, I came here to apologize.
- It's pretty simple.

I cover the team and you were
raised in a Pleistocene cave

and still think women have no
business in the locker room.

- I'm not like that.
- Then prove it, caveman.

Take your hairy knuckles off
the floor and explain yourself.

Ooh, look. The secret of fire.

I would rather not explain myself, ma'am.

Call me ma'am one more time, and I'll
hit you harder than your sister did.

- My name is Isa.
- I know your name.

I can't... look, okay.

I am... and this is gonna sound so stupid.

I am extremely uncomfortable around you.

Because I call you on your shit,

which I bet nobody ever does.

People do, and that's not what I mean.

Uncomfortable as in, like,
flustered. Flushed, you know?

"Hot and bothered" is what I
believe your generation says.

But I'm embarrassed by it.

I mean, I do feel like a caveman
talking about it, but I'm sorry.

That's just... that's the deal.

- Bullshit.
- It's not.

It's not enough that you can't
treat me like a professional.

You gotta add insult to injury

like some frat boy with
this misogynistic bullshit.

I'm telling you the truth.

Liar.

Okay, then.

That's right, you make
me as hard as cement.

And I can't stop it, okay?

I thought about war, dead
babies, country music.

Dead babies at war playing
country music. Nothing works.

The other lady reporters, some
of them are hot, but I can deal.

But you go right past my brain to my
anatomy, and it is freaking me out.

I mean, I'm this hard right
now and I'm yelling at you.

I'm sorry, but I can't blast
wood in the locker room.

I'll never hear the end of it.

This is the biggest that
my dick has ever been.

Is now a good time to
say we're off the record?

Sit down. Please.

First, may I say

you've certainly been
drinking your protein shakes.

And second, since you've
been honest, I will be, too.

I have the same reaction to you.

Okay, now who's playing?

I come clean with you, I humiliate myself,

and this is all just some joke to you?

Is that... did you spill something?

Yes. Myself.

I mean, some of it is probably

from the water bottle
sitting in between my legs.

Con... condensation.
But the rest of it's me.

I didn't know women work that way.

I don't speak for other women, just myself.

Probably shouldn't have worn chinos today,

because the state of your arousal

is impacting me a little
bit more than usual.

Holy shit.

- Stop congratulating yourself.
- Okay.

Our bodies are sending us messages
and it's perfectly healthy.

I mean, apart from the
staggering embarrassment.

But we both have jobs to do here.

So now we have two choices...

one, stay out of each
other's way in the locker room

and do all our interviews over the phone,

or two, we get this out of our systems.

How do we do that?

We find a private space

and let our evolutionary
hard wiring take over.

Like, we have sex?

Jesus, it is a good thing
we're physically compatible,

because intellectually, this is a disaster.

You would... you would sleep with me?

Like that... that's on the menu?

Think of it more as an exorcism.

- When?
- I got 45 minutes before my podcast.

Okay.

God damn.

All right.

Very good.

So would you say last night

was your finest game in an Atlanta uniform?

We're really gelling as a team.

I think that's all that matters.

People say you don't care about defense.

Is that true?

Wait a minute.

I don't think the exorcism worked.

Jesus.

Don't you have a refractory period?

I don't... I don't know what that is.

- Never mind.
- Okay.

It's your night. It's your night, baby.

What kind of name is "Bee-show"?

It's Chinese for "the dagger."

Why they have to give it a Chinese name?

'Cause they selling it in China.

Well, why the fuck we
didn't have a party in China?

Hey, calm down, Uncle J. They got
hors d'oeuvres and the women are hot.

Well, you know, I'm kinda
confused about Asian women.

I don't know if they
submissive or just bored.

Plus I heard they straight.

Not all of 'em.

I ain't talking about the woman.

I'm talking about the
hair. The hair underneath.

I got it, I got it.

And so the Chinese dagger takes its place

alongside numberless other
violent sports metaphors...

bomb, gunned down, blitz.

Do you know what the blitz was?

267 nights of bombs dropped on the English.

They got all the dentists.

I mean, what are we saying, hmm?

That there's a barbarian inside all of us

looking for some sneaky
little way to come out?

- Exactly.
- Hey!

Inside of everyone
lurks the desire to kill,

but murder is impractical.

So instead we play basketball.

Hello, Chen.

Welcome, my American boots on the ground.

Yo, man, I just gotta say

this is a really dope
sneaker release. Thank you.

Yeah, thanks for not charging
us extra for that duck sauce.

Everything is complimentary.

Hell, yeah. What about the hoes?

We call them consorts,

and what they choose
to do is their business.

Please, eat, drink, mingle,

and affect an air of
world-beating nonchalance.

Cam, I'll meet you on
the black and gold carpet,

where together we will be
mauled by photographers.

- Arigato.
- That's actually Japanese.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, Reggie, please linger with me.
- Yeah?

How do you retain a fact
like that 267-night thing?

Impressive, but weird.

Like Asian women.

Straight. Straight.

I see everyone here but
the fire of my loins.

I'm sorry. Who?

The queen of my fantasies,
the song of my south.

- Your aunt, you idiot.
- Oh. Oh!

I didn't realize that you
two had gotten to that point.

Neither has she, but I
believe she is my other.

Since I laid eyes on her,

I'm like a boy again in Jiangsu province,

hearing for the first time
the Kangding Love Song.

Oh, forgive me. I'm just so moved by her.

Yeah, no, my aunt, she's
coming in a separate car.

Did she tell you we've been texting?

We don't really discuss,
like, who's texting...

It is amazing how seductive
the right woman can be

using only phonetic sentence
fragments and emojis,

helped by the new iPhone
update to include more races.

Listen, Chen, I...

Cassie makes me smiley face.

And she liked the flowers I sent her

when she was in the hospital.

She felt like Faith when Biggie died.

But you should know that
she has a boyfriend now.

Good. I'm pleased that
other men are drawn to her.

It heightens the challenge.

No longer a challenge is what I'm saying.

At this point, more of a no-fly zone.

No such thing.

Unless we're discussing the East China Sea.

- Is this him?
- Yep.

Oh, a kind face. Nurturing and respectful.

- He truly cares for her.
- Yes, he does.

He stands no chance. Cassie!

Blair Thompson, Da Chen Bao.

May I offer you both champagne?

What kind do you have?
We only drink the best.

- I have the best.
- Whoo!

Reggie will squire you to the bar.

Let's all put in a firm
base layer of alcohol, hmm?

You have never looked more beautiful.

Mmm, easy there, crouching tiger.

You're talking to a lady
that's in a relationship now.

The plus-one? And yet you did not
introduce him as your boyfriend.

I was being discreet.

You were keeping your options open,

which means you do not love him.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's
much too early for that.

At our age, one knows quickly,

because one hasn't time to waste.

Our age? How the fuck old are
you, you presumptuous fuck?

37. Oh. Okay, then.

For the best women, age brings power.

Well, Chen, don't you want me to be happy?

More than anything. But
I want it to be with me.

Chen, you live in Shanghai.

Fortunately, I have mastered
the miracle of flight,

unlike many of the national
airlines of my region.

Well, I need a man that's gonna be with me,

not some ghost who comes and goes.

Nothing's off the table, Cassie.

Really?

Consider my sedge hat
still firmly in the ring.

Chen, Chen, Chen.

I don't know what the fuck
a sedge hat is, but thanks.

Ooh, can you get me a chicken satay?

I will get you a chicken satay factory.

How am I supposed to
get this out of my system

when I don't want to
get out of your system?

It was just a theory.

Chen has an undeniable charm.

It's a simple request, Auntie.

Please don't shit where you eat.

It's a stupid rule.

Don't shit where you eat.
Don't shit where you sleep.

Pretty soon the whole world's
gonna be constipated and alone.

- And what happens when it ends?
- Who says it will?

Any casual observer of your dating record.

Which leaves us with a
pissed-off Chinese billionaire

who owns half the paper on our lives.

What's that mean? Half
the paper? Half what paper?

- The money. The future, etcetera.
- Oh.

Well, maybe it'd be him that dumps me.

Maybe, but it's my job
to look at the worst case,

and in this case, the worst
case is a very bad case.

Cassie, you have to be
careful with those rich men.

They will wow you and wow you,

and you are so busy being wowed

that you can't even tell
if you actually like them.

- That's true.
- Fuck you know? You a lesbian.

Rich lesbians the same.

Cleopatra, Eleanor
Roosevelt, Kate Middleton.

Princess Kate ain't gay.

I know she got kids, but let's be honest.

No breeder wears that many blazers.

And what happens to trusty Blair?

Everybody knows nice guys finish last.

Unless they have huge dicks.

No, if they have huge dicks,

they finish last with a huge dick.

Well, at least they can
feel better about themselves.

Actually, if they have huge dicks,

sometimes the dick part finishes first

even when the rest of 'em finishes last.

Can we stay on message, please?

It's like when I met you, baby.

The sun comes out, and
it's all you care to see.

I feel like Audrey Hepburn
in that Roman Holiday...

unable to reach for happiness

because it would put her
entire kingdom at risk.

We need another guy in this conversation.

- Where's Tim at?
- Todd.

- Ted.
- Ah, shit.

Who the fuck is Audrey Hepburn?

One of the first actresses
I ever saw on bootleg.

I'm not sure that the
pictures were necessary.

I take my Easy Rawlins
responsibilities serious.

Besides, the girl was hot.

I'ma take 'em for my personal archives.

No. No, delete 'em.

Now we gotta take 'em off
the fuckin' Cloud now, too.

Deleting 'em is taking 'em off the Cloud.

Nah, deleting 'em don't
do shit to the Cloud.

Things in the Cloud live forever.

The Cloud ain't really a cloud.

It's a server in Douglas County

with a 23-year-old bath salt
addict standing next to it

with Deadspin on speed dial.

Jesus, this whole family, they
can't wait to shit where they eat.

I admit, I have farted in the
kitchen, but that's where it ends.

Reg, in the boy's defense, I've
seen a lot of people fuck in my life.

I seen short people fuckin', fat
people fuckin', midgets fuckin',

crippled, blind, crazy, all of 'em fuckin'.

I seen a lot of people fuckin'.

I even seen myself fuckin'
once or twice in the mirror.

I put mirrors on the ceiling
so I could see myself fuckin'.

And the thing about fuckin' is...

Can you please get to
the end of this paragraph?

Oh, yeah. Cam and that woman,

there's something crazy
going on between them.

I mean, they was fuckin'
like the law was coming.

No, I get it. I get it, Uncle Julius.

I mean, you have to let it take its course,

- like the affliction it is.
- Mm.

You dig?

- Yeah, I dig.
- I love it, boy.

Come on!

We should put some mile markers back here.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

You looking for an interview?

We need to talk.

You all right?

I'll tell you when I see you.

Okay. Uh, lunch spot. 20 minutes.

Okay.

That would be the unmistakable
sound of the other shoe dropping.

How many times I gotta tell
you there are no free lunches?

You know about us?

Uncle Julius saw you in the garage.

You had my own uncle tail me?

Would you rather it be some outside guy

that would extort me for pictures like Ted?

- Tim.
- Shit.

And I would rather you let me live my life.

Yeah, but you see what happens when I do?

7 billion people in the world,

6.9 billion of 'em would fuck you,

and you choose a reporter.

You might as well stand in
the middle of Peachtree Street

and set your career on fire.

I tried to stay away from
her, but you made me go.

You're Judas.

As a matter of fact,
you're worse than Judas.

You're Judas's pimp.

That doesn't even make sense.

And, Cam, why didn't you
just tell me the truth?

It's embarrassing, man.

I feel like a fucking teenager.

Well, you a teenage baby daddy now.

You think that's what it is?

You didn't wrap up, did you?

Yeah, they got a dispenser at Burnside's.

You should always have one on you,

and another one on you.

In fact, you should have a
separate wallet for condoms.

Man, she can't be pregnant.
She's, like, Mom's age.

It's the 21st century, okay?

They got women in France
having babies in nursing homes.

And the older they are,
the more dangerous it is.

They have slow babies.
Down syndrome babies.

Ain't that the same thing?

No, one's about the chromosome,

the other one's just born stupid.

Look, rule number one, don't fuck anybody

you don't want the whole
world knowing about.

Are you done banging on me
about shit already happened?

What you gonna do?

The right thing.

Now?

Well, where you taking me?

- You will see.
- I shouldn't have come.

You came because you wanted to.

That don't mean I should've.

Here we are.

Motherfucker, you bought me a chopper?

No. Although I will if
that's what it takes.

But first I thought we
could start with dinner.

In Paris, France.

A helicopter could go all
the way to Paris, France?

No, it would plunge into the Atlantic,

but it can go to the airport

where my jet will take us to Paris, France,

where together we will
dine at the Plaza Ath?n?e.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Slow down, lowdown, okay?

Let a little steam out
of the soup dumpling.

Chen, we... we need to talk.

In China, when a woman says "we
need to talk," it always bodes ill.

Ah, it's every fuckin' country.

Chen, what I'm trying to say
is that we have ties that bind.

And as much as I would
love to reach out to you

and see where this leads...

damn, this is nice.

I mean, what if it doesn't work out?

I mean, could you imagine how much
trouble that'll cause for everybody?

Imagine the best, not the worst, Cassie.

Take a leap of faith.

Yeah, well, most leaps of
faith end up on the sidewalk.

Chen, I think it's best that
we don't shit where we eat.

I've never enjoyed that metaphor.

It puts defecation on the same
plane as the search for love.

I agree. No one should yield to simple lust

in one's home or place of business.

Now that is shitting where you eat.

I would never do that.

But when love is possible,

its pursuit must not be equated

to solid waste sliding out of the rectum.

Love is grander than that.

How are we meant to find
those we might truly care for?

On social media? So artificial.

Is it not wiser to trust
honest, organic exposures?

To friends, to business partners,

to their stunning mothers.

All right, so what you're saying is

when there could be love,

we have a moral obligation to take a shit?

To give a shit.

Give us one date.

A few hours in each other's company

to speak as adults and
assess the possibilities.

After that, if you still
feel the same, I will demur.

- You will de-what?
- Step aside.

One date.

And not in Paris, France.

'Cause I've seen that Liam Neeson Taken,

and I don't go for that bullshit.

I wanna judge based on
substance, not style,

so it'd have to be somewhere here in town

at the least fanciest
place that we can find.

So you either take that
shit or you leave it.

Even a greasy spoon is Alain Ducasse

if I... am with you.

You say weird shit...

but I like it.

There's no good way to say this.

I'm prepared to take care of the kid.

Ha. Okay, first of all,
I wouldn't know this fast,

and second, pregnant?

Are you kidding me? I'm 47 years old.

Wikipedia says 41.

Yes, I know. I wrote it.

Man, you're even hotter than I thought.

Where does your generation
learn how to talk to women?

Never mind. I'm sorry.

You're not pregnant. That's good news.

I have HPV.

Which means you might have it, too.

I don't know what HPV is.

Seriously?

I mean, doesn't sound
like something that I want.

I'm pretty sure things named
with three letters aren't good.

Any chance it stands
for "happy perfect vag"?

How is someone in your position

not better informed about health matters?

I mean, I don't know
about brain surgery either.

You're not sticking your
brain in someone else.

HPV is a sexually transmitted virus.

So HPV is like HIV for the pussy?

No, it is not HIV for the...

It's an STD.

Some strains cause cancer.

I'm gonna get dick cancer?

But this one is just the nuisance kind.

How did you get this nuisance?

80% of the population actually has it

in one form or another.

You fucked 80% of the population?

I have been with three
people in three years.

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't know I had it.

I'm not an avid reader of my vagina,

but this morning at my checkup,

my doctor saw something.

Um, I don't know what to say.

Thank you for telling me.

Every animal has its natural enemies.

For man, once it was woolly mammoths,

then it was Germans, now it's viruses.

So me getting this is just
God thinning out the herd?

At least I'm not a daddy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ahem.

- Is there a test for it?
- No, it's just visual inspections.

How does that work?

Doctor pours vinegar on your dick.

No, seriously.

No, pours vinegar on your dick

and then looks around for something
that makes him or her go, "Hmm."

- Is there a shot for it?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but, uh, you... well, you
gotta get it before you get the HPV,

and then you gotta never have had sex,

and then you gotta have a different
strain than the one you got.

Just say that there's
no fucking shot for it.

Just trying to be comprehensive.

Once the symptoms are
gone, then the HPV is gone?

No. The symptoms could come back.

But if they don't, then I'm fine.

They not sure, 'cause
they think in most cases

the virus leaves the body eventually.

- How long is eventually?
- They not sure.

I mean, viruses punch their own clock, Cam.

If I'm wearing a condom, then
I can't give it to anyone.

No, you still could via
the scrotum or pubic mound.

What is a pubic mound?

Hey, you might not ever have symptoms.

Which means I didn't get the HPV.

- They not sure.
- They not sure.

Man, what kind of disease is this?

The fucked up fuckin' fuckin' disease.

What do we pay doctors for if
they ain't figured this shit out?

80% of the population has it,

and the other 20%, nobody wants to fuck.

You're not alone.

- Do you have this?
- Fuck no.

I'd kill myself.

You're the fixer, Reg. Fix this.

I can't.