Survivor's Remorse (2014–2017): Season 2, Episode 3 - M.V.P. - full transcript

Every event we attend, we build
favor equity with Flaherty.

His reach is far beyond basketball.

We want to tap into that reach.

God has done you, Cam, and me pretty good.

What we do with the rest is up to us.

- I'm sorry. You gonna do something?
- Oh, I'll do something.

I'm saying don't sit here and
talk about doing something.

- Step the fuck up and...
- Oh, my God!

Can I just say right out, I
am not gonna press charges.

This is not up to you, Mr.
Calloway. This is a criminal matter.

Well, if the people will
forego prosecution...



I'd insist on therapy and
community service for Mary Charles

even if they did start the conversation.

* Hot cocoa *

* I'm in love with the hot cocoa **

Hey, Uncle J, can you drop me off at work?

I gotta do highway trash
pickup for my community service.

Hmm, if the judge called
you down, that ain't work.

That's mobile jail.

- You need a ride to jail?
- Yes.

Mmm! Mmm!

It is cheat-on-my-diet day. Here we go.

Let the vittle violations
begin, little brother.

Hot chocolate with caramel ready.

I fasted yesterday so I could fit in



10 pieces of Mom's French toast.

You know, if you did a colonic,
you could get three more.

Mmm, but I still gotta
go to practice, though.

Look, Cam, this maple syrup right here,

I dug deep, deep, deep down in
the New Hampshire woods for this.

You might be the only Negro
to ever put his lips on this.

I'm telling you that right now.

Hey, I did some cheat
day preparation as well.

Ain't a Negro I know who
don't like Circus Peanuts.

You need to meet some new Negroes.

- Chuck, you the best, baby.
- I know.

Circus Peanuts? Man, this
Cam's cheat-on-his-diet day.

Not Wilt Chamberlain's stick-
his-dick-in-everybody day.

Okay, I love both gifts.

- I love you both. Thank you.
- Mine more.

Well, let's get into the Peanuts

'cause I'm sick of waiting on
your mama to make breakfast.

Nah, fuck this. Let's wake her up.

No, she was out late with that
Blair guy from the Portland game.

What does Blair do anyway?

No idea. Me neither.

This is my cheat day. Let's wake Mom up.

You crazy motherfucker! Yes!

I think she might already be up.

My shoe! Fuck that shoe.

Oh, my God! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oooh! Oooh! Oh, yeah! Oh!

What the hell is that?

That is the sound of
Blair fucking our mother.

This motherfucker.

Hence the coinage of the term.

Last night was they first date.

Whoo! Whoo!

And it sound like it's going pretty good.

You know, who would have thought
that when Ma was choosing her room,

we'd be standing here sipping hot cocoa,

listening to the sounds of her coming?

I'm gonna throw up.

You was asking what Blair do.

The answer... it's your mother.

Okay, you know what? Take
me to mobile jail right now.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, baby.

Wait. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry, baby. I overslept.

Why don't you be a little late for
practice? You know you're the star.

Team lost five of six games that I
missed after M-Chuck gouged my eye.

Oh, baby, get out of the past, okay?

We're in the happy present.

You know, you can be a little
late for my French toast.

I'm on good behavior,
Ma. All day, every day.

- Morning, Cam.
- Morning to you.

Need me to move my car?

No, uh, I think I can get past it.

- Nice house. Whoo!
- Thanks.

Those wood floors in your
mother's bedroom, is that Pergo?

Would you be so kind

and brew us some coffee, please?

Can do if you handle
the cream and the sugar.

- He's nice, right?
- Oh, yeah, he's nice.

You might want to tell him that people
are tucking their shirts in again.

Well, we're gonna go to
Farmer's Market later.

I'm gonna pull some sausages
and some fresh peppers

and some hoagie rolls.

I know you like it, right?

And I'm gonna cook it
all up for dinner. Cool?

I mean, we can eat before 8:00.

- Done.
- All right.

Uh, baby, I wanted to tell
you I went to see my doctor.

And I'm, um...

well, it's not fun, but
I'm gonna need a procedure.

What? What kind of procedure?

Just lady stuff, you know?

You don't even want to know the details

and I don't want to get into it.

But I'm just a little worried

about the doctor bills and the overages

that our insurance won't pay for.

Yeah, Ma, whatever you need.

Of course. Don't sweat that.

You... you all right, though, right?

Yes, baby. I'm gonna be fine.

It's not a big deal. Don't
you worry about me, okay?

Okay. Look, Cam,

you know I'm always good, right?

Mommy's gonna get much better.
You don't worry about me.

I'm just really appreciative to
have a son like you to help me.

All right? So go ahead. Practice real hard.

- All right.
- You do what you do, baby.

I appreciate you.

You gonna put your head through that wall?

I, uh, I'm just trying to restart my brain.

Been chasing around the wrong fool.

This your spillage?

No.

If the average woman saw
the average men's room,

none of us would be allowed
to wear shoes indoors again.

Yeah, I hear you.

How hard is it to deposit
urine in a structure

expressly designed to capture it?

For fuck's sake, I could pee an apple

off your head without
getting a drop on you.

I'm gonna say that I believe you

and that I don't need any proof.

Why can't people just stand still,

lean forward, and wait till
the piss is out of them?

Honestly, I'd rather see
piles of shit on the floor.

At least then I'd know it was intentional.

Hey, listen.

Thank you for letting me take that
guy on a tour of the locker room.

Big waste of time, but, you
know, you live and you learn.

Don't sweat Jeff from Burger King.

He's a rite of passage around here.

Says he can deliver the world,

but really all he wants
is free gum and socks.

His business card says sports marketing.

Every asshole that gives you a
business card is the wrong asshole.

So how do I meet the right asshole?

Get your name on their call
sheet and then don't fuck it up.

You're gonna meet my money manager.

His name is Ira Irwin.

Um, okay.

But, Jimmy, Cam and I, we
already got a money manager.

Ira Irwin doesn't manage money.

Why you call him a money manager?

Because he's offended by greedy Jew.

And rightly so.

I'll set it up. No drips.

Thank you, Jimmy.

What the hell are you doing?

- Mom's got cancer.
- What? What kind?

I don't know what kind.
The kind that kills people.

Of course she would tell you
first. You're her favorite.

She didn't tell me. I mean,
I think she has cancer.

You think she has cancer?

She told me without telling me.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Mom knows I hate hospitals. She's
probably just trying to protect me

even though she's scared that our
insurance is not gonna cover it all.

Fucking Reggie. I knew that he would
get that lowball shit insurance.

I swear, I think he wants us all to vanish.

I don't want Mom to die.

Look, if she didn't give you any details,

she's gotta have good cancer.

There is no good cancer.

What the fuck you think non-Hodgkin's is?

Non-Hodgkin's is bad.

People hit me up on Twitter every day

for non-Hodgkin's. It's decimating people.

Non-Hodgkin's means non-horrible.

Basically broken arm non-cancer.

I don't think that's right. I think
you're getting confused by the "non."

No, non-Hodgkin's is the kind
that gets you GoFundMe money

and everybody's sympathy, but you're
still alive at the end and rich.

That's good cancer. Now drive off.

No, Mom's gotta have a bad cancer.

We lived under that transformer for years.

You know, she probably doesn't
want to tell us the truth

because she knows that
we're gonna get cancer, too.

- We're all fucked.
- Hey, hey, hey!

We do a ton of cardio.
Nobody's getting cancer.

I don't even think Mom has cancer.

If she did, she wouldn't be so vague.

She'd be milking you for all you're worth.

You know that. Requesting, complaining,

bitching, moaning.

Basically if Mom had
cancer, she'd be a cancer.

Well, just call her, will you?

She said it's some lady stuff.

She's not gonna tell
anyone the truth but a lady.

Kind of love that you
just called me a lady.

Hey, so why you think Jimmy
Flaherty wants me and you to connect?

He told me you were a money manager.

That fat, potato-headed, Irish drunk.

- You ever play Mermaid Island?
- No, I have not.

Played it last Thanksgiving with my niece.

I've been fascinated ever since.

To win, you got to get these three mermaids

over to Mermaid Island before the
sea witch arrives and builds condos.

I'll start.

Two.

One, two.

Jimmy knows I don't manage
money. He's a fucking mick.

I think he was just joking.

That's the problem with the Irish.

They're either always joking
or they're always serious.

And if they're doing both at the same time,

they never give you any
clues that they're doing it.

So it's very hard to follow.

I don't manage money.

I try and find opportunities for
my friends to enjoy their lives.

- By making them money.
- By making them happy.

Knowing that their money
is busting its ass growing

and expanding and learning and sharing.

Money is a ridiculous concept.

I mean, I give you a green piece of
paper, you're gonna give me a steak?

That's a weird trade. Your spin.

Money is a lubricant. Yes or no?

- Yes.
- You want a steak, I want a house.

I can't trade my steak for a
steak-sized piece of your house,

so we use money as a
lubricant to get what we want.

Which is to get off, right?

Right.

I help people's money get off.

I am the mucus of capitalism.

Not the snot, the mucus.

Mucus is a facilitator for copulation.

I mean, you can do it without mucus,

but mucus helps make it more fun.

Almond?

Sea witch. Bummer. Your turn.

Just real quick. See,
I represent Cam Calloway

and he may be a pro basketball player,

but we want him to be more
than just a basketball player.

We want his money to get off.

Want to get it up in that mucus stuff.

Terrific. Now, you spin a two,

you can get the pink mermaid
across Rainbow Bridge.

Now, there's no pressure. I mean,
it's just a little girl's game.

But there's a one in three
chance that you can do that.

To me, hey, 33%, I think that's good odds.

See, most people think that
capitalism is like chess.

It's a zero-sum game. You win, I lose.

I don't. True capitalism
is a collective endeavor.

It's Mermaid Island. You
get off and I get off.

Why'd you pocket the almonds?

Your fingernails. They're dirty.

Oh, you're correct.

My apologies. I've been
messing around with soil.

Lately the question I've
been asking everybody

who sits on that floor,
what kind of mermaid are you?

You the kind of mermaid that's gonna help

the other mermaids get
back to Mermaid Island?

Well, I'm just learning
the game, but, uh, yeah.

I think I got the makings of
being a resourceful mermaid.

Remember the point of Mermaid Island.

Nobody wins unless everybody wins.

Of course the definition of everybody

is a select group of people
that guys like me pick.

And how do you decide who you pick?

You ever read Jonathan Livingston Seagull?

No.

Have some almonds. Have a book.

Give 'em a taste. Give it a read.

When are you and Reggie gonna
start your new Vaughn generation?

I'm ready to be a auntie.

Uh, one of these days.

Hopefully.

That was a non-answer answer.

Come on, get to it. I
want a baby around here.

Yeah, I guess I just worry
that I won't be very good at it.

Oh, child, you'll be fine. You love
telling people when they're wrong.

M-Chuck, how was highway detail?

Wonderful. Made some great new friends.

Can't wait to do it again.
Listen, stay off the highways.

Apparently there's a lot of
white girls drinking and driving.

You know what? I can't
wait till you find a corpse.

Some parent out there will always
remember that you solved the cold case

and gave them closure.

That's the Lord's work, Mary Charles.

So Cam came to visit me, said
you need money for lady stuff.

You're getting your
titties done, aren't you?

I ain't getting no fake titties.

Hey, I'm not judging. I want to help.

I've more titties in my mouth than you.

Well, I ain't had no titties in my mouth,

including my fucked-up mother's.

I don't need to upgrade, okay?

My titties are top-shelf.

- I agree.
- Thank you, Missy.

You're getting ass implants.

I am not getting anything implanted, okay?

Well, Cam thinks that you have cancer.

What? I ain't got no cancer.

At least that I know about.

Okay, so what lady stuff needs work, Ma?

Because Cam is worried.

I'm getting my pocketbook tweaked.

Get the fuck out.

- Cassie.
- Excuse me. Language, please.

Okay, bitch? We in public.

Ma, you just said fuck,
bitch, ass, titties...

Because that's my language,
okay? Those are nouns.

I wish my mother and I were this close.

Ma, what is wrong with your pussy?

That's for me to know and
for you not to find out.

I'm just saying, I could take a look.

I know pussy better than you know pussy.

I'll tell you if there's
something wrong with it.

My doctor looked at it and up in it.

And those are two places that you
are not invited. And you either.

- I wasn't...
- Your hair says otherwise.

Look, fine. Just call Cam and tell
him that you do not have cancer.

He is freaked out. He
thinks that you're dying.

Ain't I, though? Aren't we all, Ming-Li?

That's why you gotta live
for now. Live for today.

Live your lives to the fullest
like it's your last goddamn breath.

If you're gonna make something
right, make the shit right.

That is a beautiful perspective.

Motherhood gives you that perspective.

After being in labor in a bad hospital

giving birth to kids fucking your pussy up.

Oh, my God, stop it, Ma. I was a preemie.

Guaranteed my daddy's dick was
bigger going in than I was coming out.

Your father is not the
topic. Not now, not ever.

Child birth messes your
stuff up, like, permanently?

Not anymore. No, no, no.

You know, when life fucks up your coochie,

medicine has a way of rebuilding it.

I'm gonna have a bionic pussy.

Oh, my God.

Cam's gonna pay for it anyway.

I mean, he's half the reason
why my shit is fucked up.

- And you're the other half.
- You're right, Mom.

Yep, it's time for me to
put in my insurance claim

for my vaginal rejuvenation.

You break it, you buy it.

What the hell is vaginal rejuvenation?

When you shrink-wrap the pussy.

I'm gonna puke.

- Why'd you Google that?
- I want to know what I'm paying for.

You're paying for your mother
to get a smaller, tighter unit.

Right now she's got a multiroom unit.

She's at the age where
women want to downsize.

You know, Ma really wants
this. Just let her do it.

How does it work?

I have no idea.

This is supposed to be
your area of expertise.

I eat pussy, I don't fix it.

I didn't know fixing was a thing.

Look, Ma said she found
a really great doctor.

Yeah, I heard he was the Picasso of pussy.

- That's what I heard.
- Picasso is whack.

He painted noses and ears and
dicks coming out out chins and shit.

Imagine if Ma ended up with her clit
right in the middle of her forehead.

Instead of a cyclops, a clitclops.

This is our mother's vagina
that we're talking about.

Yeah, the new one.

The old one's about to be put down.

Rest in peace to Cassie's pussy.

Look, I'm sure Ma's got
a good doctor. The best.

It don't matter. Surgery is no joke, okay?

It don't matter how rich you are.

Kanye's mom, Joan Rivers,

they both died during surgery.

Yo, Ma never wanted this before.

And then now, after one night with Blair,

she's going to this drastic place.

Who is this Blair dude anyways?

A car dealer who don't
like your mother's pussy.

I'm about to fuck him up for making
Ma feel like her pussy's handicapped.

Okay, okay, nobody can persuade Ma
to do anything she don't want to do.

- She ain't doing this.
- Oh, my God.

- Man, get that thing out of my face.
- All right?

First glance at side effects: bad.

Second glance: horrible.

We got to expose this stuff to her.

Yeah, we the family expose
nothing. We keep this private.

If this operation could backfire,
it is our job to tell Ma.

We need to have a family discussion.

A man's gotta step up and lead one.

I'm not about to tell my sister
what to do with her pussy.

- That's not a hill I wanna down.
- Agreed.

No one should tell any woman
what to do with her vag,

especially the woman whose
vagina he came out of.

I'm not telling her what to do.

I'm just telling her what
maybe she should not do.

What's the difference?

I don't ask y'all for much,
okay, but when I bring Mom here

and sit her down, I expect
you both to have my back.

How did I get here?

You look so sexy when you read books.

And sexy to you must be when I look

confused and frustrated,

because that is what I am right now.

I just took a shower

and put on some of that lotion you like.

I don't like this book.

Do you have to?

Uh... it was given to me to read

by a rich guy, beyond rich.

There is a reason that he's rich.

Just trying to figure out
if that book is the reason.

Let's do what we like to do

instead of talking about what you don't.

Baby, page 33,

all I got is a seagull with no friends.

I don't even understand what
seagulls gotta do with business.

So, say so when you see him again.

To admit that I don't
understand, that'd be a weakness.

And then he doesn't really
even listen to me when I talk.

Why do you care about this man's opinion?

I want to be one of his mermaids.

- You just smoke some weed?
- No.

But maybe if I did, the
book would make sense.

It was written in the '70s.
Writer must have been high.

Reggie Vaughn, you are so cute

when you are trying to solve puzzles.

Stop trying to solve the puzzle.

Just be you.

Missy, this book is some kind of test.

And you don't have to have the
same answers as everyone else.

Just slow down.

Remember the first time
you tried an oyster shooter?

Yeah.

Gulped it down, gagged.

- Second time?
- Chewed slow.

- Savored it.
- And?

Best thing I ever ate.

Second-best thing.

We're going full
reciprocity tonight, right?

You do your job,

and let me do mine.

- All right.
- Mm.

I'm not sitting here listening
to this. I'm your mother.

Who's about to have a serious operation.

Side effects include scarring.

Bleeding and numbness.

That right there.

- Nerve damage.
- Rectal damage.

That right there. He wrote that.

Look, this is vaginal prolapse.

Mm!

We don't even know what
vaginal prolapse is,

but that's how serious this
is, Ma. This is very serious.

That's when your vag
done ran too many laps.

Y'all need to dead this
shit and dead it right now.

Got the sausage and peppers on
the grill. Anybody need a drink?

Oh, Jack and Coke for me.

I'll have a Chardonnay, please.

Do we have any grain alcohol?

- I'll check. Cam?
- I'm good.

I'll be with you in a minute,
Blair. Thank you, baby.

Damn, I thought Gary Coleman was dead.

Ma, if Blair's making
you feel bad about things

that you shouldn't feel bad about,
then Blair's not the guy for you.

Blair ain't said nothing
and I ain't tell him nothing.

This is about me, not him.

Is this about you finding things

that we never paid attention to?

Never even cared about when we were poor?

You don't have to alter the way
God made you to please Blair.

Did you hear what I just said or
do you need a eardrum rejuvenation?

Please leave Blair out of this.

Why don't we make sure that
Blair's left out of this?

- We're gonna go and do that.
- Yes, please.

Excuse me.

Hey, I didn't wanna be here.

I... I just did it 'cause
I didn't want to lose my job.

- I don't want you to get hurt.
- I'm already hurt.

Ma, I'm sorry, but I'm trying
to step up and be a man.

Nobody asked you to be a man.

I asked you to be a son,

a son who understands that when
he was born, I was still a girl.

I've hardly even been with
anybody else since you were born.

And you know what,
motherfucker, that's a long time.

I appreciate how you...

I'm not asking you for your appreciation.

I'm asking you for some understanding.

Instead of making me feel
like I'm some fucking beggar

coming to you trying to explain my
uncomfortable, private fucking matters.

Look, I was a mother

before I ever even thought
about being an adult woman.

And now I just want to have fun

like any other mother would
have the right to have.

When you say fun, are you... are you...

Yes, I'm talking about sex, Cam.

Yes, I'm talking about sex.

Last night when Blair and I...

Ma, please. I don't need no
kind of details about that.

Are you shitting me?

Your monkey ass gonna sit here

and embarrass me in front
of my brother and your sister

with all this fucking intervention bullshit

and now you don't want me to open my mouth

and say one motherfuckin' goddamn word?

Nah, nah, nah. Shit don't work that way.

You're gonna sit there
and you're gonna listen

to every fuckin' word I have to say.

After you and your sister was born,

things changed down there
and they never changed back.

Now, I know how it's
supposed to feel down there,

but it doesn't feel the same.

It's not 100%.

I'm in the prime of my fucking life.

I've raised a son who I'm proud of,

who's now living his life,

running around doing his own thing.

And I want to do my own thing, too.

Listen, Cam, I'm not trying to be
out there like that running around.

Okay?

Just every once in a while I just
want to go out for a brisk jog.

- And by brisk jog...
- Yes, baby.

Mommy's talking about sex.

You see your hoodie right there?

Right now I'm like this.

After the operation, I'll be like this.

Yeah, that's pretty tight.

Yeah.

I got you, Ma. I'm... I'm sorry.

Can we please never talk about this again?

You started it.

- Yes, I did.
- Yeah, you did.

I need a fuckin' drink.

- Julius!
- What?

Yo, is she all right?

She had open pussy surgery, not open heart.

Hey, Ma.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm high in the head.

But I'm really numb down south.

All right, let's... let's
ease up on the questions.

I've had enough honesty for a while.

- Be sensitive.
- Get well.

That's my brother.

Hey, they didn't have any that
said, "Happy New Cooch Day."

I know I'm supposed to
be feeling bad right now,

but them drugs they gave me

was some killer shit.

I don't feel a goddamn thing.

Baby, can you do me a big favor?

Sure, anything.

Could you, um...

could you tell me how it looks down there?

Oh!

This family's getting too close.

Sure, Ma. Just...

Is it good?

Looks good.

Actually, uh...

looks great.

Yeah!