Surviving Jack (2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Parents Just Don't Understand - full transcript
Jack and Joanne are at odds with each other when both kids betray their trust Frankie has his first taste of alcohol at a varsity baseball party, and Rachel wants to go on birth control.
Honey.
Honey!
I thought you were gonna tell
Frankie to clean his room.
- I did.
- Well, it's a pigsty.
I'll take care of it.
Hey! I'm trying to get ready for a date.
Now, if all this stuff isn't
picked up in two minutes,
it's going in the wood chipper.
My hair is loving that
thing. Can I borrow it?
Right after I do the dishes.
The trick is to open your throat
and breathe through your nose.
You might be wondering
why we were doing this.
It's because yesterday...
This happened.
Hey, Dunlevy.
We're having a varsity party tonight.
Bros only.
No chicks or anything lame like that.
Yeah, that sounds awesome.
Well, be ready for some frosty brews.
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah! Frosty brews.
- Yeah!
- Let's do it. Let's go, dude.
Yeah, give me brews now.
Yeah, we had never drank before...
Which is why we were practice drinking,
which is as stupid as it sounds.
Dude, if I pound this,
I'm gonna get messed up.
What are you, a muffin? It's apple juice.
Do you know how much sugar's in this stuff?
Bottoms up, bitch.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug!
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
You know I use that to
put oil in my car, right?
Are you drinking?
No, no, no no no. It-it's apple juice.
Okay, well, then I got
no follow-up questions.
I think they were practice drinking.
And then after practice
drinking comes real drinking.
And then, the next thing you
know, he's your Uncle Kenny.
Boy, you piss yourself at two weddings...
that's all they remember you for.
I got to nip this in the bud.
Can I do a one-person intervention?
What am I talking about? Of course I can.
Joanne, settle down.
I know exactly what to say to him.
Alcohol...
May be the greatest gift God
ever bestowed upon mankind.
Makes conversations more interesting,
people more attractive.
Oh, like wigs.
It can also ruin your life,
which is why you're not ready for it.
There's a picture of you upstairs,
holding a beer when you're 18.
Yeah, I was also in the Navy,
fighting for our country,
so I'll tell you what.
You enlist and lose a couple
buddies to a land mine,
and feel free to knock a few back.
Okay, I get it. We're
not going to the party.
If I stopped you from attending
every party with alcohol,
you wouldn't be leaving this
house for the next four years,
and... I can't have that.
So, you can go.
Really? Thanks, dad.
Stop. Not so fast. We're not done.
Don't worry. We won't do anything stupid.
History suggests otherwise. Follow me.
Mom, I just want to tell
you how proud I am of you
for going back to law school,
even though you're really old.
And I'm proud of you
for getting slightly better at compliments.
Oh.
So, I've been thinking.
You know how I can drive now
and I'm almost in college
and grown-ups hit on me.
I didn't know about that last one.
Well, it happens.
Anyway, you've always felt
that I was mature, right?
Yes.
And you believe that women
should be empowered, right?
You're damn right they should.
Then it's settled. I'll go on the pill.
Great talk. Thanks, mom. Bye.
Ooh.
When can we stop spinning?!
In a minute.
You see, alcohol degrades
judgment and motor skills.
Now stop.
So, even when you see danger,
you can't always avoid it.
Ow!
You will call from that party,
checking in by 9:00.
Ohh!
Ohh!
You will not drink any alcohol,
or the consequences will be severe.
Ohh!
- Ow!
- Aah!
Yeah, okay. You've proven
your point. You can stop.
Yeah, I know I can, but I
rented this thing for an hour.
- Oh!
- Aah!
Oh, would you look at that. Curve balls.
Ow!
We were on our way to a
party with varsity bros.
Preparation was key.
I heard when Jimmy Ortega
was a freshman, he passed out
and they drew a bunch of
penises on his forehead.
That would suck for you, dude.
I could fit 1,000 chubbers
on that five-head of yours.
Well, I'd rather have a big five-head
than look like a garden gnome.
Oh, snap. You do.
Mikey loved giving us
crap but hated getting it.
And we knew when to stop.
Hey, guys, we should be
psyched right now, you know.
We're going to an all-bros varsity party.
What could be cooler than that?
If there was girls there.
Dude, you so don't get it.
Our daughter's making a huge mistake.
Is this about bangs?
'Cause I can't have
that conversation again.
No. She wants to go on the pill.
The pill. The pill.
I know what the pill is.
She's not ready to have sex.
She's 17. How old were you
when you lost your virginity?
16, but it was different.
He had a motorcycle.
Look, I don't want Rachel
having sex, either, but...
You can't stop your kids
from doing what they're going to do.
You have to trust them.
Wrong. Bad instincts.
We have to protect them
from themselves, okay?
It's a scary place out there.
What are you talking about, "out there"?
We don't live on the
edge of a haunted forest.
You're overreacting.
Oh, okay, okay.
Well, then, let's just get Rachel
a pay-by-the-hour hotel room
and send Frankie to that alcohol party.
He is at that party.
What?! You said you were handling it.
I talked to them. I made it clear.
Check in at 9:00. Do not drink.
Hey. What's up, fresh meat?
You guys want to kick it here...
You got to chug.
Ohh, okay. So, you told them not to drink.
Phew!
I am gonna sleep like a baby tonight.
Joanne, I gave them my trust
they will not disappoint me.
Huh. Honey, what time do you have?
Um, yeah, hmm.
- It's so strange, 'cause I have 9:15.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I could have sworn the boys were supposed
- to call at 9:00.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
Admit you're doubting your
decision to just trust them.
I... I'm not because
they are going to call.
- Okay. Good.
- Mmmm.
But we weren't going to call.
Because according to our watch, it was...
Booze o'clock!
That night, we found out
what kind of drunks we were.
I was the light-bulb drunk.
I got an idea.
We could pool our money
together and buy a helicopter.
Then we could report the news.
George was whatever kind of drunk this was.
Big surprise...
dancing was frowned
upon at all bro parties.
And Mikey was "the one who got away" drunk.
I never should have let Leila get away.
I loved her.
You dated her for like a week in 5th grade,
and she gave everyone lice.
That's a lie!
Okay. Dude, relax.
Don't tell me to relax!
What the hell?
Did you just disrespect the pad, bro?
What are you guys watching?
- "Back to the future"?
- No.
Funny thing about time
machines. They're not real.
So, if you do something in
life that you really regret,
you can't take it back.
Are you talking about having Frankie?
What? No.
You know, having sex is a very big step.
Whoa.
- Are we gonna have sex?
- Shut up, Doug.
Mom, I do not want to be
talking about this right now.
'Cause there's a lot more to the
act than just taking the pill.
You know, there's a huge
emotional component.
Like what if you don't
like it but Doug does?
Or what if you do like it and Doug doesn't?
Please, Doug would like it.
Doug, stop nodding.
Joanne, may I have a
moment with you, please?
Oh, sure. Okay.
I'll be right back.
Until then, I'll leave you with this.
AIDS.
What are you doing in there?
Dropping mom bombs.
I can't let her go through with this.
Bad instinct.
You can't smother them on stuff like that.
Kids need space.
Yeah, space, like the
space you gave Frankie,
who, by the way, still hasn't called.
I'm sorry. Uh, the phone was ringing.
Let me just answer that, and
then I'll help you tackle
that Rachel problem you're
having so much trouble with.
Where the hell are you?
Uh, sorry, Heather. No, Frankie's not here.
Bye, now.
Not worried.
Hi. Fellas.
I'm looking for three guys about your age.
Is it us?
No, junkies. Focus here.
They're at a party in this area
being thrown by baseball players.
You know where that might be?
I heard something over there.
Great. You're pointing at a bush.
All right, you should know
that marijuana causes low
sperm count and man boobs.
Have fun with that.
Okay, guys, hold up.
Before we go in, do you think
my dad's gonna be able to tell
that we've been drinking?
No. We're good.
We should do something
about our breath, though,
so, uh...
Chew these pine needles.
Whoa, there's a chair.
Who cares if your dad
catches us? Don't be a bitch.
Oh, I'm a bitch?
You're the one that got us just
kicked out of a great all-bro party
because you can't get
over some stupid girl.
There's the sign. Abort. Abort.
Let's just go in, and we'll play it cool.
So, where were you?
Out.
Were you looking for the boys?
- No, I went out for some milk.
- Oh.
Where is it?
- I pounded it in the car.
- Weird.
Well, you'll be glad to know that I
had a great conversation with Rachel,
and I think I kept her
from rushing into things.
- Did you?
- Yes.
Because Doug's car is missing
and Rachel's not here. Weird.
She's right there, reading the
literature that I gave her.
Right where?
Damn it, Rachel!
Now, I am not saying
that her running off
with her horny boyfriend
is a direct result of
you ignoring my advice
to give her space.
I'm implying it with... with this look.
Mm-hmm.
Hey.
Good evening, Dunlevys. You both look well.
No, go on... you were saying something
about how to handle our children?
Frankie, look at me. Look at me.
- Look at me.
- Ouch!
How much have you had to drink,
and why does it smell
like Christmas in here?
A lot of stuff happened tonight, Joanne.
Okay, you know something?
If I were you, I wouldn't speak
for the next couple of weeks.
Where's George?
He's sleeping on the lounge chair.
Oh.
- Hmm.
- Okay, this is great.
The wheels have officially come off.
Our son's a booze bag,
our daughter's off with her
boyfriend, doing God knows what,
and we've lost someone's child!
George's parents don't know that, though.
Joanne, I will handle this.
Stay here, wait for
Rachel, and r-remain calm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, mom wasn't really
the "remain calm" type.
Uh, hey, excuse me.
Where do people your age park and have sex?
Hey, weren't you just a dude?
Damn it, stoners!
You should know marijuana
is a federal crime,
so if you're gonna get arrested,
don't let it be for that
cheap-ass skunk weed.
Looks like he fell out of this lawn chair.
He clearly had a struggle with the hose,
knocking over one of my
potted plants, tracking dirt.
He leapt over here,
and then here, and here, and
then here, and then here.
It's as if he was dancing.
For sure. The kid's got rad moves.
Yuk it up there, buddy boy.
The only reason I haven't
torn you a new one
is because I have to
find your friend first.
Dad, I know you're mad
that we drank, but...
yeah, but I'm more pissed
because you made me look wrong
in front of my wife.
And for that, hell shall
reign down upon you.
Where the hell have you been?
Lay it on me.
Have you and Doug already done it?
Why can't you be a normal mom
and just make me Mac
and cheese or something?
Mm-hmm.
Mac and cheese is for girls who wait!
Hey, Mrs. Dunlevy. We were...
Listen up, Doug.
I go to law school now,
so I know all the laws.
So watch it, or I'm
gonna send you to a place
where you are the girlfriend.
God, I'm so grounded, dude.
I'm never gonna see Heather again.
Oh, I'm never gonna see Heather.
You're so whipped, bro.
At least I have a girlfriend.
Watch yourself, dude.
Maybe it was the booze
talking, or I was just fed up,
but I decided to just blow
right through that sign.
Or what?
You and Leila lice-head are gonna...
Get off me.
No, you stupid ape!
- Really?
- No.
All right, come on. Enough. Enough.
Knock it off. Get up. Get up.
I leave you alone for two seconds,
and all hell breaks loose?
And we found George.
Hey, Dr. Dunlevy.
Want an apple?
The next morning, I just
wanted to sleep forever.
Rise and shine, vomit squad!
Now, I don't know about you guys,
but I am feeling really pumped
up about America this morning.
Oh, yeah.
Huh?
That's the way you start
a day! Am I right?!
Huh?! Right?!
So, let's go!
Let's start the day right, huh?!
So, this is how it's gonna go down.
You three are gonna clean
this place top to bottom
so it no longer stinks like
something died in here.
First step, find out what died in here.
We're sorry.
We promise we'll never drink again.
Your promises don't mean anything.
From now on, there will be no more trusting
you'll make the right decisions.
I am gonna be on your ass like
the stink off a dead raccoon,
which, by the way,
is what I'm guessing
you're gonna find in here.
There were actually two.
One had eaten the other.
Seeing my dad change his approach with us
inspired my mom to rethink hers.
So, are you going to
interrogate me about last night?
Actually, no.
I trust you'll tell me what
happened if you want to.
Good.
And I'm sorry if I went
a little crazy on Doug.
Yeah.
He called me crying,
and I had to pretend I wasn't
grossed out by his emotions.
Oh, you really are your father's daughter.
Anyway, I've given it some thought,
and if you still want to go on the pill,
we can do that.
Just so you know...
Doug and I didn't have sex last night.
I decided I'm not ready.
Yes!
And I respect your decision.
But I still want to go on the pill.
Because I want clearer
skin and bigger boobs.
Don't we all?
Hmm.
You guys looking for that dead raccoon?
No.
Why not?
Why would we want to find a dead raccoon?
Whatever.
Dude, can I crash here tonight?
You punched me in the face last
night because I ragged on you
even though you rag on us all the time.
You know what? Forget it. I'm out of here.
Good, 'cause I don't want a friend
who thinks he can be a tool to us
and we can't say anything
back just 'cause...
my dad left, all right?
What?
He's done it before, but...
I don't think he's coming back this time.
- Dude.
Right then, I realized why
Mikey wouldn't take our crap.
He was already up to his neck in it.
If either of you try to hug
me, I'm going to punch you.
I'll risk it.
Okay, from the constant
sound of dry heaving
coming from that garage, I think
our little punishment worked.
I still think my first idea was better.
Jack, there is no world
where I am ever going to let
you dangle our son off a bridge.
Trust me. Fear of death
is a powerful motivator.
Well, I did take some of your advice...
Oh? And gave Rachel a little more space,
- and guess what.
- Oh. Hmm?
It kind of worked.
- and guess what. - Oh. Hmm?
It kind of worked.
Of course it did, and you're welcome.
Do you want to tell me?
Something that you did
that was inspired by me?
I bought face wash, and
I see a real difference.
Jack, just admit you think
I was a little right, too.
I would love to because it would
mean the end of this conversation,
but I-I-I just can't.
Come on. Why not?
I heard you tell the kids
that you were gonna be
- on their asses from now on.
- Yeah.
That's, like, my signature move.
Yeah. I said it, but it's impossible.
There's no way we can know what
they're doing 100% of the time.
We would have to quit our
jobs, buy a surveillance van.
Is that an option?
I don't want to be around
our kids 24 hours a day.
I'd rather wait until I die to go to hell.
But how do you sleep at night,
knowing we can't make sure they're safe?
Easy. I knock back three fingers
of bourbon before I hit the hay,
and I rest easy,
knowing that you've spent
17 years raising those two,
and they're good kids.
Hmm.
That's very sweet of you,
but sometimes I'm not sure I did enough.
Hey, um...
Can Mikey stay over?
Fine, but no leaving the premises.
Okay.
You need anything else?
No.
Um, I just wanted to tell
you guys that I love you.
And, uh, I'm glad you're around.
I take it back.
I'm awesome.
Are you about to cry?
I am such a good mom.
Ew, is mom crying?
Unfortunately, yeah.
I will not let your black
hearts ruin this moment for me.
What the...
Going someplace?
We were just gonna go
take a swim in the pool.
I said no leaving the premises.
I thought you were gonna return that thing.
Hmm, yeah. I would have missed it too much.
Go back to your room.
Oh! Ohh!
What the hell?
Honey!
I thought you were gonna tell
Frankie to clean his room.
- I did.
- Well, it's a pigsty.
I'll take care of it.
Hey! I'm trying to get ready for a date.
Now, if all this stuff isn't
picked up in two minutes,
it's going in the wood chipper.
My hair is loving that
thing. Can I borrow it?
Right after I do the dishes.
The trick is to open your throat
and breathe through your nose.
You might be wondering
why we were doing this.
It's because yesterday...
This happened.
Hey, Dunlevy.
We're having a varsity party tonight.
Bros only.
No chicks or anything lame like that.
Yeah, that sounds awesome.
Well, be ready for some frosty brews.
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah! Frosty brews.
- Yeah!
- Let's do it. Let's go, dude.
Yeah, give me brews now.
Yeah, we had never drank before...
Which is why we were practice drinking,
which is as stupid as it sounds.
Dude, if I pound this,
I'm gonna get messed up.
What are you, a muffin? It's apple juice.
Do you know how much sugar's in this stuff?
Bottoms up, bitch.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug!
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
You know I use that to
put oil in my car, right?
Are you drinking?
No, no, no no no. It-it's apple juice.
Okay, well, then I got
no follow-up questions.
I think they were practice drinking.
And then after practice
drinking comes real drinking.
And then, the next thing you
know, he's your Uncle Kenny.
Boy, you piss yourself at two weddings...
that's all they remember you for.
I got to nip this in the bud.
Can I do a one-person intervention?
What am I talking about? Of course I can.
Joanne, settle down.
I know exactly what to say to him.
Alcohol...
May be the greatest gift God
ever bestowed upon mankind.
Makes conversations more interesting,
people more attractive.
Oh, like wigs.
It can also ruin your life,
which is why you're not ready for it.
There's a picture of you upstairs,
holding a beer when you're 18.
Yeah, I was also in the Navy,
fighting for our country,
so I'll tell you what.
You enlist and lose a couple
buddies to a land mine,
and feel free to knock a few back.
Okay, I get it. We're
not going to the party.
If I stopped you from attending
every party with alcohol,
you wouldn't be leaving this
house for the next four years,
and... I can't have that.
So, you can go.
Really? Thanks, dad.
Stop. Not so fast. We're not done.
Don't worry. We won't do anything stupid.
History suggests otherwise. Follow me.
Mom, I just want to tell
you how proud I am of you
for going back to law school,
even though you're really old.
And I'm proud of you
for getting slightly better at compliments.
Oh.
So, I've been thinking.
You know how I can drive now
and I'm almost in college
and grown-ups hit on me.
I didn't know about that last one.
Well, it happens.
Anyway, you've always felt
that I was mature, right?
Yes.
And you believe that women
should be empowered, right?
You're damn right they should.
Then it's settled. I'll go on the pill.
Great talk. Thanks, mom. Bye.
Ooh.
When can we stop spinning?!
In a minute.
You see, alcohol degrades
judgment and motor skills.
Now stop.
So, even when you see danger,
you can't always avoid it.
Ow!
You will call from that party,
checking in by 9:00.
Ohh!
Ohh!
You will not drink any alcohol,
or the consequences will be severe.
Ohh!
- Ow!
- Aah!
Yeah, okay. You've proven
your point. You can stop.
Yeah, I know I can, but I
rented this thing for an hour.
- Oh!
- Aah!
Oh, would you look at that. Curve balls.
Ow!
We were on our way to a
party with varsity bros.
Preparation was key.
I heard when Jimmy Ortega
was a freshman, he passed out
and they drew a bunch of
penises on his forehead.
That would suck for you, dude.
I could fit 1,000 chubbers
on that five-head of yours.
Well, I'd rather have a big five-head
than look like a garden gnome.
Oh, snap. You do.
Mikey loved giving us
crap but hated getting it.
And we knew when to stop.
Hey, guys, we should be
psyched right now, you know.
We're going to an all-bros varsity party.
What could be cooler than that?
If there was girls there.
Dude, you so don't get it.
Our daughter's making a huge mistake.
Is this about bangs?
'Cause I can't have
that conversation again.
No. She wants to go on the pill.
The pill. The pill.
I know what the pill is.
She's not ready to have sex.
She's 17. How old were you
when you lost your virginity?
16, but it was different.
He had a motorcycle.
Look, I don't want Rachel
having sex, either, but...
You can't stop your kids
from doing what they're going to do.
You have to trust them.
Wrong. Bad instincts.
We have to protect them
from themselves, okay?
It's a scary place out there.
What are you talking about, "out there"?
We don't live on the
edge of a haunted forest.
You're overreacting.
Oh, okay, okay.
Well, then, let's just get Rachel
a pay-by-the-hour hotel room
and send Frankie to that alcohol party.
He is at that party.
What?! You said you were handling it.
I talked to them. I made it clear.
Check in at 9:00. Do not drink.
Hey. What's up, fresh meat?
You guys want to kick it here...
You got to chug.
Ohh, okay. So, you told them not to drink.
Phew!
I am gonna sleep like a baby tonight.
Joanne, I gave them my trust
they will not disappoint me.
Huh. Honey, what time do you have?
Um, yeah, hmm.
- It's so strange, 'cause I have 9:15.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I could have sworn the boys were supposed
- to call at 9:00.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
Admit you're doubting your
decision to just trust them.
I... I'm not because
they are going to call.
- Okay. Good.
- Mmmm.
But we weren't going to call.
Because according to our watch, it was...
Booze o'clock!
That night, we found out
what kind of drunks we were.
I was the light-bulb drunk.
I got an idea.
We could pool our money
together and buy a helicopter.
Then we could report the news.
George was whatever kind of drunk this was.
Big surprise...
dancing was frowned
upon at all bro parties.
And Mikey was "the one who got away" drunk.
I never should have let Leila get away.
I loved her.
You dated her for like a week in 5th grade,
and she gave everyone lice.
That's a lie!
Okay. Dude, relax.
Don't tell me to relax!
What the hell?
Did you just disrespect the pad, bro?
What are you guys watching?
- "Back to the future"?
- No.
Funny thing about time
machines. They're not real.
So, if you do something in
life that you really regret,
you can't take it back.
Are you talking about having Frankie?
What? No.
You know, having sex is a very big step.
Whoa.
- Are we gonna have sex?
- Shut up, Doug.
Mom, I do not want to be
talking about this right now.
'Cause there's a lot more to the
act than just taking the pill.
You know, there's a huge
emotional component.
Like what if you don't
like it but Doug does?
Or what if you do like it and Doug doesn't?
Please, Doug would like it.
Doug, stop nodding.
Joanne, may I have a
moment with you, please?
Oh, sure. Okay.
I'll be right back.
Until then, I'll leave you with this.
AIDS.
What are you doing in there?
Dropping mom bombs.
I can't let her go through with this.
Bad instinct.
You can't smother them on stuff like that.
Kids need space.
Yeah, space, like the
space you gave Frankie,
who, by the way, still hasn't called.
I'm sorry. Uh, the phone was ringing.
Let me just answer that, and
then I'll help you tackle
that Rachel problem you're
having so much trouble with.
Where the hell are you?
Uh, sorry, Heather. No, Frankie's not here.
Bye, now.
Not worried.
Hi. Fellas.
I'm looking for three guys about your age.
Is it us?
No, junkies. Focus here.
They're at a party in this area
being thrown by baseball players.
You know where that might be?
I heard something over there.
Great. You're pointing at a bush.
All right, you should know
that marijuana causes low
sperm count and man boobs.
Have fun with that.
Okay, guys, hold up.
Before we go in, do you think
my dad's gonna be able to tell
that we've been drinking?
No. We're good.
We should do something
about our breath, though,
so, uh...
Chew these pine needles.
Whoa, there's a chair.
Who cares if your dad
catches us? Don't be a bitch.
Oh, I'm a bitch?
You're the one that got us just
kicked out of a great all-bro party
because you can't get
over some stupid girl.
There's the sign. Abort. Abort.
Let's just go in, and we'll play it cool.
So, where were you?
Out.
Were you looking for the boys?
- No, I went out for some milk.
- Oh.
Where is it?
- I pounded it in the car.
- Weird.
Well, you'll be glad to know that I
had a great conversation with Rachel,
and I think I kept her
from rushing into things.
- Did you?
- Yes.
Because Doug's car is missing
and Rachel's not here. Weird.
She's right there, reading the
literature that I gave her.
Right where?
Damn it, Rachel!
Now, I am not saying
that her running off
with her horny boyfriend
is a direct result of
you ignoring my advice
to give her space.
I'm implying it with... with this look.
Mm-hmm.
Hey.
Good evening, Dunlevys. You both look well.
No, go on... you were saying something
about how to handle our children?
Frankie, look at me. Look at me.
- Look at me.
- Ouch!
How much have you had to drink,
and why does it smell
like Christmas in here?
A lot of stuff happened tonight, Joanne.
Okay, you know something?
If I were you, I wouldn't speak
for the next couple of weeks.
Where's George?
He's sleeping on the lounge chair.
Oh.
- Hmm.
- Okay, this is great.
The wheels have officially come off.
Our son's a booze bag,
our daughter's off with her
boyfriend, doing God knows what,
and we've lost someone's child!
George's parents don't know that, though.
Joanne, I will handle this.
Stay here, wait for
Rachel, and r-remain calm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, mom wasn't really
the "remain calm" type.
Uh, hey, excuse me.
Where do people your age park and have sex?
Hey, weren't you just a dude?
Damn it, stoners!
You should know marijuana
is a federal crime,
so if you're gonna get arrested,
don't let it be for that
cheap-ass skunk weed.
Looks like he fell out of this lawn chair.
He clearly had a struggle with the hose,
knocking over one of my
potted plants, tracking dirt.
He leapt over here,
and then here, and here, and
then here, and then here.
It's as if he was dancing.
For sure. The kid's got rad moves.
Yuk it up there, buddy boy.
The only reason I haven't
torn you a new one
is because I have to
find your friend first.
Dad, I know you're mad
that we drank, but...
yeah, but I'm more pissed
because you made me look wrong
in front of my wife.
And for that, hell shall
reign down upon you.
Where the hell have you been?
Lay it on me.
Have you and Doug already done it?
Why can't you be a normal mom
and just make me Mac
and cheese or something?
Mm-hmm.
Mac and cheese is for girls who wait!
Hey, Mrs. Dunlevy. We were...
Listen up, Doug.
I go to law school now,
so I know all the laws.
So watch it, or I'm
gonna send you to a place
where you are the girlfriend.
God, I'm so grounded, dude.
I'm never gonna see Heather again.
Oh, I'm never gonna see Heather.
You're so whipped, bro.
At least I have a girlfriend.
Watch yourself, dude.
Maybe it was the booze
talking, or I was just fed up,
but I decided to just blow
right through that sign.
Or what?
You and Leila lice-head are gonna...
Get off me.
No, you stupid ape!
- Really?
- No.
All right, come on. Enough. Enough.
Knock it off. Get up. Get up.
I leave you alone for two seconds,
and all hell breaks loose?
And we found George.
Hey, Dr. Dunlevy.
Want an apple?
The next morning, I just
wanted to sleep forever.
Rise and shine, vomit squad!
Now, I don't know about you guys,
but I am feeling really pumped
up about America this morning.
Oh, yeah.
Huh?
That's the way you start
a day! Am I right?!
Huh?! Right?!
So, let's go!
Let's start the day right, huh?!
So, this is how it's gonna go down.
You three are gonna clean
this place top to bottom
so it no longer stinks like
something died in here.
First step, find out what died in here.
We're sorry.
We promise we'll never drink again.
Your promises don't mean anything.
From now on, there will be no more trusting
you'll make the right decisions.
I am gonna be on your ass like
the stink off a dead raccoon,
which, by the way,
is what I'm guessing
you're gonna find in here.
There were actually two.
One had eaten the other.
Seeing my dad change his approach with us
inspired my mom to rethink hers.
So, are you going to
interrogate me about last night?
Actually, no.
I trust you'll tell me what
happened if you want to.
Good.
And I'm sorry if I went
a little crazy on Doug.
Yeah.
He called me crying,
and I had to pretend I wasn't
grossed out by his emotions.
Oh, you really are your father's daughter.
Anyway, I've given it some thought,
and if you still want to go on the pill,
we can do that.
Just so you know...
Doug and I didn't have sex last night.
I decided I'm not ready.
Yes!
And I respect your decision.
But I still want to go on the pill.
Because I want clearer
skin and bigger boobs.
Don't we all?
Hmm.
You guys looking for that dead raccoon?
No.
Why not?
Why would we want to find a dead raccoon?
Whatever.
Dude, can I crash here tonight?
You punched me in the face last
night because I ragged on you
even though you rag on us all the time.
You know what? Forget it. I'm out of here.
Good, 'cause I don't want a friend
who thinks he can be a tool to us
and we can't say anything
back just 'cause...
my dad left, all right?
What?
He's done it before, but...
I don't think he's coming back this time.
- Dude.
Right then, I realized why
Mikey wouldn't take our crap.
He was already up to his neck in it.
If either of you try to hug
me, I'm going to punch you.
I'll risk it.
Okay, from the constant
sound of dry heaving
coming from that garage, I think
our little punishment worked.
I still think my first idea was better.
Jack, there is no world
where I am ever going to let
you dangle our son off a bridge.
Trust me. Fear of death
is a powerful motivator.
Well, I did take some of your advice...
Oh? And gave Rachel a little more space,
- and guess what.
- Oh. Hmm?
It kind of worked.
- and guess what. - Oh. Hmm?
It kind of worked.
Of course it did, and you're welcome.
Do you want to tell me?
Something that you did
that was inspired by me?
I bought face wash, and
I see a real difference.
Jack, just admit you think
I was a little right, too.
I would love to because it would
mean the end of this conversation,
but I-I-I just can't.
Come on. Why not?
I heard you tell the kids
that you were gonna be
- on their asses from now on.
- Yeah.
That's, like, my signature move.
Yeah. I said it, but it's impossible.
There's no way we can know what
they're doing 100% of the time.
We would have to quit our
jobs, buy a surveillance van.
Is that an option?
I don't want to be around
our kids 24 hours a day.
I'd rather wait until I die to go to hell.
But how do you sleep at night,
knowing we can't make sure they're safe?
Easy. I knock back three fingers
of bourbon before I hit the hay,
and I rest easy,
knowing that you've spent
17 years raising those two,
and they're good kids.
Hmm.
That's very sweet of you,
but sometimes I'm not sure I did enough.
Hey, um...
Can Mikey stay over?
Fine, but no leaving the premises.
Okay.
You need anything else?
No.
Um, I just wanted to tell
you guys that I love you.
And, uh, I'm glad you're around.
I take it back.
I'm awesome.
Are you about to cry?
I am such a good mom.
Ew, is mom crying?
Unfortunately, yeah.
I will not let your black
hearts ruin this moment for me.
What the...
Going someplace?
We were just gonna go
take a swim in the pool.
I said no leaving the premises.
I thought you were gonna return that thing.
Hmm, yeah. I would have missed it too much.
Go back to your room.
Oh! Ohh!
What the hell?