Surviving Jack (2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Rhythm Is a Dancer - full transcript

Adult Frankie: After my dream
girl turned me down to homecoming,

I needed to be alone.

So I went to my secret spot in the library.

Frankie?

Heather.

Look. I made a mistake.

I don't want to go to homecoming with Evan.

You don't?

No.

I've been in love with you

since the moment I saw
you play that trumpet



at the sixth-grade assembly.

I'd like you to be my date to homecoming.

Also...

I'd like you to be my first.

All right, wrap it up.

Dad?

You've been in here for 25 minutes.

If you're gonna do that
stuff, do it in your room.

Don't waste my water.

It's California. We're in
the middle of a drought.

♪ Da, da, da-la-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da-la ♪

♪ Da, da, da-la-da ♪

♪ The story of my li-i-i-fe ♪



♪ Hey ♪

All right, for homecoming,
which one of these dresses says,

"I'm the hottest one here but
I'm not a bitch about it"?

Whichever's harder to
unzip in the back of a car.

Both are pretty easy.

Joanne: Oh-ho-ho!

[Singsong voice] There's
my homecoming king.

[Imitating fanfare]

Damn it. How come there's
never hot water in the morning?

You want to handle that
one there, your majesty?

No. Thank you.

Uh, mom...

I don't think I'm gonna be
going to homecoming this year.

Why? Because that Heather
girl said no? So what?

I really liked her.

There are 3 billion women on this planet.

Even if you were picky...
which you can't afford to be...

you'd still have plenty of choices.

Do yourself a favor. Move on.

Joanne: It's true, honey.

There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

Well, actually, that's not true.

We've over-fished in the oceans.

And in 150 years,

we will have depleted most
of our natural resources

to the point of near-extinction
for the human race.

Lately, my parents had been a
little on edge with each other.

It's just a saying, Jack.

For people who don't care what words mean.

Oh, you mean words like

"Please don't tape over
my copy of 'Ghost'."

I popped it in this morning

'cause it gets me pumped to
clean, and what do I see?

A stupid episode of the stupid "Commish."

The stupid "Commish"?

I... he's juggling a family

and trying to run an
entire police department.

Okay, you know what? Can I talk to
you for a second in the other room?

Now.

- We need to have sex.
- Yes.

Okay, but we can't because you have to take

the kids to school right now
and I have to go to class.

- So this is some kind of sick joke?
- No.

Honey, I'm trying to explain

why we've been sniping
at each other so much.

We haven't had a... [Sighs]

Romantic night together in weeks

and it's not because we
let ourselves go, Jack.

We look good. We do.

What about Tuesday night?

I can't. I have study group.
What about next Monday?

Rachel's friends are coming over.

Well, we had a good run.

Before we discuss Friday
night's homecoming dance,

I just want to say how important it is

that you do not drink and drive.

If you need a ride, call one of the nerds.

[Laughter]

Love you, nerds.

So, uh, I was thinking,
instead of going to homecoming,

see "Arachnophobia."

I'm going to the dance, dude.

You don't have a date.

Here's my move... Show up late,

find a chick that just got
into a fight with her date,

look her in the eyes and say,

"He doesn't treat you right, girl."

Then it's on.

[Laughing] You actually
think that's gonna work?

[Scoffs] It's not my
first time in ninth grade.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I'm actually bringing a proper date.

- Who?
- My cousin.

We don't need to tell you
why that's a bad idea, right?

You know.

Nobody knows she's my cousin.

Your penis will.

[Chuckles]

It's from Kim Parker.

"Is Frankie going to
homecoming? Yes or no."

I'm gonna go with "maybe."

In 1991, this was our version of texting.

I can't remember if Kim Parker's cute.

Let's turn around and look
but not at the same time.

McMullen: Remember, if you are caught
smoking marijuana cigarettes...

Not bad.

I guess. She's no Gabriella.

That's true. We don't share a grandma.

McMullen: Immediately, and it
will not be returned to you.

She straight-up wants to go with you.

In that moment, I decided
the best thing to do

was just take my dad's advice and move on.

I'm in.

And due to some complaints from
last year's parent chaperones,

there will be a new no-grinding
policy at the dance this year.

[All booing]

You're seriously outlawing grinding?

How are we supposed to
express our sexuality?

You're not. That's the point.

This is an outrage! Assembly dismissed!

You can't do that.

Hey!

She can't do that!

You are not dismissed!

Oh, great. The nerds, too. Hmm.

Dude, my week has totally turned around.

I've got a cute date to homecoming.

I've got, like, three new chest hairs.

They're around my nipples,
but it's whatever.

And, uh...

I'm completely over Heather Blumeyer, so...

Exactly. Heather who-meyer, bro.

[Both chuckle]

What the hell did you just say about me?

Uh...

I'm just kidding. [Chuckles]

I don't know what you
guys are talking about.

[Both laugh]

Well, anyway, I heard you're
going to homecoming with Kim.

Yeah. I'm...

I'm pretty excited about it, you know?

'Cause, uh, me and Kim
have great chemistry.

Kim and I had never spoken.

Well, it's cool you're gonna be there.

We're gonna have fun.

[School bell rings]

Dude, did you see that?

Don't say something stupid.

She totally still likes me.

Mom, the worst thing in
the history of the world

happened at school today.

They banned grinding at homecoming.

Well, unless "grinding" is
another words for "Jews,"

I think you overstated that.

[Groans]

I got big news.

Do you ever worry that our
daughter's becoming too shallow?

I mean, what happens
when life gets too hard?

She's a pretty white girl.

I think the ship has sailed
on life getting hard.

Jack, do not bring up that
"Nothing they do matters" crap,

or I will get full-on crazy.

Frankie got a date to homecoming.

We'll have the house to
ourselves tomorrow night.

Oh, my God! I love you!

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Today was homecoming.

We were on the way to pick up our suits,

and I was feeling pretty good
about myself for one reason.

I'm telling you, dude. She still likes me.

She said, "We will have fun"... We.

Oh, dude. She said "we"? Whoa, man.

That's some serious porno
language right there.

You can laugh all you want, dude,

but I know in my gut we
still got something going on.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right.

And that's why she's going with He-man.

No, dude. He's way hotter than He-man.

Easy, guy. He-man's ripped.

What? Is this a real conversation?

Look, all I'm saying is,

what if my window with
Heather is still open?

♪ Your jukebox money ♪

♪ The love shack ♪

- ♪ Is a little old place where ♪
- Clearly, it was not.

Okay. Yeah, he's way hotter than He-man.

♪ We can get together ♪

♪ Love shack, baby ♪

- [Chuckles]
- ♪ a love shack, baby ♪

♪ Love shack ♪

In three hours, this house will
be as it is in my dreams...

- ♪ Love shack, baby, love shack ♪
- Without kids.

Here's to homecoming.

♪ Love shack, baby, love shack ♪

I'm not going to homecoming.

I hate this place.

You are going to this dance tonight.

You're not staying in the house.

I don't care who this girl's dating.

This is him.

Holy crap.

I don't even think you and
him are the same species.

I mean, I wouldn't let your mom near him.

I-I get it. He's handsome.

Nah, I feel as though
"handsome" doesn't even do it.

I think we should invent a new word.

Uh, sorry. Look.

How about if I give you 20 bucks
and you go see a few movies?

Why can't I just stay here?

Because I can't have sex with
your mom if you're in the house.

I mean, I can, but she doesn't
feel comfortable with it.

[Gasps]

Mom, help me do my hair
like this Russian model...

only hotter.

Speaking of Russia,

you know what's going on there, right?

Communism is collapsing.

[Scoffs] And so are my bangs.

Can you hand me that hair spray?

Honey...

Let me ask you a question.

If you could change one
thing in this world,

what would it be?

Doug would be two inches taller.

And?

They'd allow grinding at homecoming.

Okay. Well...

Those are two of the biggies.

Mom, it's a big deal. It's censorship.

No, it's not, sweetie.

We're talking about you rubbing your butt

into somebody's crotch.

They're telling us how to act

based on what they deem acceptable.

Actually, that does kind
of sound like censorship.

No doy.

Well, maybe you should
do something about it.

Like spread a rumor that
the principal came on to me?

Wow. No.

I'm... I'm thinking more along the lines

of a peaceful protest.

You know, our...

our country has a long
history of strong women

who were made famous for...

for standing up for what they believe in...

women like Susan B. Anthony,

Rosa Parks, and Gloria Steinem.

They were famous, huh?

I get that.

Frankie won't be a problem anymore.

Oh, I love it when you talk like a mobster.

Hmm. [Chuckles]

By the way, how did you convince him to go?

- I didn't. I sent him to the movies.
- [Chuckles]

What about Kim?

- What about who?
- His date.

He can't ditch his date.

She's sitting at home right now

expecting our son to pick her up.

Well, isn't that a problem for her parents?

Uh, J... Honey...

No.

[Door opens, closes]

Frankie!

- Man: Shh!
- Dad?

What are you doing here?

Yeah, change of plans there, chief.

[Sighs] You can't just ditch your date.

Oh.

- I totally forgot about her.
- Hmm.

Ah, you know what it was?
I was just so in my head.

Sounds like a great story
for your journal. Let's go.

John Goodman dies in the end.

[All groan]

All right. It's go time.

We have to pick up Frankie's date in 20,

which means we have to leave A.S.A.P.

Mango, it's good to see your dumb face.

Why aren't you dressed?

Because I'm not going to homecoming.

Why?

Because I'm taking a stand
against an oppressive leadership

that's trying to violate
my civil liberties.

My God, what have you done?

Look. I know, I'm messing up our night.

And I know as far as causes
go, dry-humping is a silly one.

No, it's great.

I can't wait to read her miniskirt manifesto.

Okay, look. Today it's grinding.

Tomorrow... It could be apartheid.

In 50 years, she could lead a rebellion

against our robot overlords.

Wow, that went from
zero to crazy real fast.

I am getting those damn kids
out of our house, Joanne.

Okay, Jack, if this is about sex...

We can do it tomorrow morning.

It's the principle.

I will not have our lives
held hostage by children.

But yes to the morning
thing. I'm shooting for both.

If Rachel's not going to
homecoming, do I have to go?

- Both: Yes.
- Well...

I never picked up my suit and
the rental place is closed.

It's not a problem.

I'm not wearing this.

What? You're too good for that suit?

Okay, you go talk to Rachel.

I'm gonna drive Frankie and his
date to the dance. Let's go.

I can't believe we're
gonna miss homecoming.

I've been looking forward
to this night all year.

Doug, so help me God,
if you start crying...

I'm barely holding it together.

I'm barely holding it together

but in a completely different way.

Come on, guys. What are
you waiting for? Let's go.

The dance was in full effect.

Mikey didn't have money
to blow on a suit rental

or $40 for tickets, so he improvised.

♪ Girl, I must ♪

♪ Warn you ♪

♪ I sense something
strange in my mind ♪

♪ Yo, situation is ♪

♪ Serious ♪

♪ Let's cure it 'cause
we're running out of time ♪

♪Mm-hmm, tell them, baby♪

♪ It's, oh, so ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪

♪ Relationships, they
seem from the start ♪

Who the hell is that?

♪ It's driving me out of my mind ♪

George: Oh, that's my cousin.

I take back everything
I ever said about you.

♪ That's why it's hard for me to find ♪

♪ Can't get it out of my head ♪

♪ Miss her, kiss her, love her ♪

♪Wrong move, you're dead♪

♪ That girl is ♪

♪ Poison ♪

Her mom said it's gonna
be another couple minutes.

Is this normal behavior for this girl?

I don't know. We've only
talked through notes.

What are you, John and Abigail Adams?

Who?

Kim looked fantastic.

♪ If I were you, I'd take pre... ♪

- And then she opened her mouth.
- ♪ caution ♪

How come we're not going in a limo?

The theme is renaissance ball.

I'm supposed to feel like a princess.

You know, most renaissance princesses

were the product of incest
and sold like property

to consolidate power.

I know how to open a door.

♪ Poison ♪

Ew, it smells like the '80s!

[Scoffs]

♪ Yeah, BBD in full effect ♪

♪ Yo, what's up to
Ralph T. And Johnny G. ♪

♪ And I can't forget
about my boy, B. Brown ♪

- What?
- [Whistles]

- No. Why?
- [Whistles]

- ♪ Poison ♪
- [Clicks tongue]

[Whistles]

Wow, she's horrible.

So, I dropped Frankie off at the
dance with an awful human being.

Doug, why are you still here? Well...

Doug, am I talking to you? Where's Rachel?

She's in her room. I don't
know how to tell her to go

without abandoning her principles.

Have you tried threatening her?

- [Sighs]
- Doug, sit down.

No. I'm not going.

Someone needs to take a stand.

- Oh!
- Joanne, not now.

Look, honey, how about if I give you $20

and you go see a few movies?

Really? Is that your only move?

I need to make a difference.

She can't make a difference
here in her room.

Doug, if I need your help,

I'll shine a big dopey
smile into the night sky.

I want to dance!

[Sighs]

Look, honey, Mango is right.

You're not doing anything
by just sitting here.

Oh, my God. Totally.

Rosa Parks didn't just sit in her room.

She walked onto that bus
and sat right in the front.

This is exactly the same thing. Right, mom?

Well, I don't know if I would

- say exactly the same.
- Oh, I think it's very similar.

Mom, what do you think I should do?

I think you need to go make a difference.

Like Rosa?

Y-yes.

Exactly.

We're going to hell.

My homecoming was sucking.
But George's wasn't.

His plan to look cool was actually working.

Crowd: [Chanting] Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy!

Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy!

Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy!

He didn't even care
they got his name wrong.

Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy!

Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy!

Jimmy's on fire! Oh!

Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy!

Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy!

Go Jimmy!

Nice shoes.

Thanks.

I, uh... I wanted something that said,

"I'm the hottest one here but
I'm not being a bitch about it."

I kind of think you're
being a bitch about it.

- [Both chuckle]
- Kim: Frankie!

Um, well, I should go.

Oh, my God.

When are they gonna
play "The Humpty Dance"?

I don't know.

They've played it like six
times tonight, so probably soon.

- You know what's crazy?
- Hmm?

It's like fate that you
and I are here together.

Yeah.

I mean, Heather totally thought
you guys were gonna go together.

Wait, what?

- ♪ Oh, oh, do me, baby ♪
- Oh, my God! "The Humpty Dance"!

♪ Oh, oh, do me, baby ♪

[Tires screech]

Jack: All right. We're
here. Have fun. Get out.

Now. Let's go. Let's go.

Dr. Dunlevy, I just want...

that dress comes off... I will end you.

Understood.

No. No, no.

[Brakes squeak]

[Brakes squeak]

[Gear shifts]

[Engine shuts off]

Having fun?

Mm.

Well, look at the bright side.

At some point, that succubus you're with

has to be summoned back
to the depths of hell.

I don't really care about Kim.

So, why are you moping around out here?

I had a chance with Heather and I blew it.

And I know.

It's stupid because there's a
billion other girls out there.

But she's the only one I can think about.

I know. I need to move on.

[Sighs]

Okay.

Okay.

The first time I saw your mother,

she was waiting tables at this
diner next to my med school.

And I thought to myself, "Holy cow, wow."

So I asked her out. And she turned me down.

- Really?
- I know. It shocked me, too.

I was a doctor with 3% body fat.

Yeah, I get it. You were a catch.

Oh, you're damn right I am. Anyway...

I could have moved on,

but I just couldn't
stop thinking about her.

So I ate at that diner
every day for a year,

which brought me up to 5% in body fat.

But... but when the time
was right, I made my move.

Sounds like stalking.

Mm. Probably would be today.

The laws were different then.

The point is... If I had moved on,

I wouldn't be with the person
that I love more than anything.

Seriously, that's George's cousin.

They share DNA.

You sure you don't want to go after her?

[Chuckles]

[Seal's "Crazy" plays]

I knew right then, looking at Heather,

that I would wait however
long it took to get her.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Apart.

Because when something is worth it...

This is for Rosa Parks.

You do whatever it takes...

♪ A man decides after 70 years ♪

♪ That's what he goes there for ♪

♪ Is to unlock the door ♪

- ♪ While those around him criticize and sleep ♪
- I am firing that history teacher.

[Sighs]

♪ And through a fractal
on a breaking wall ♪

♪ I see you my friend and
touch your face again ♪

Adult Frankie: Even
when the things you want

take a really long time to get.

When I first asked you out,
how did you say no to me?

Hmm? I was 3% body fat.

[Chuckling] I think it's 'cause you opened

with that information.

Ah.

♪ But we're never gonna survive ♪

♪ Unless we get a little crazy ♪

♪ No, we're never gonna survive ♪

Adult Frankie: But maybe I
didn't have to be my dad.

Maybe I didn't have to wait.

♪ Unless we are a little crazy ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Never survive ♪

♪ Unless we get a little bit ♪

Adult Frankie: And when
something feels this right,

no matter how it ends up...

You son of a bitch.

[Crowd gasps]

It is totally worth it.

♪ Hey ♪

Mom?

It was a total disaster. He's such a jerk.

You wouldn't even believe it.

No, he didn't do that. Ew!

Look, can you just come pick me up, please?

I-I just want to go home.

He doesn't treat you right, girl.

Let's go for a walk.

Okay.