Surviving Jack (2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Are you crazy?!
No! No! No!

Adult Frankie: Teenage
boys today are lucky.

You can hit a button
on your computer

and see any naked body part,
you want to.

But in 1991,
we didn't have that.

So I had to take
what I could get.

Hey.

- [TV turns off]
- Hi.

- You're watching TV?
- Yep.

I don't pay for premium channels,

but you seemed
really into that movie.



Do you think
that would be something fun

for me, you, and your
mom to watch together?

No.

Are you sure?
What's it called?

"The Bikini Police."

Sounds fun, what's it about?

Uh... I feel like the
title kind of explains it.

Can I go to bed?

Yeah, I need you to take
a lap around the block.

It's 3:00, in the morning.

It's called negative reinforcement.

It's the quickest way,
to alter the behavior

of simpleminded animals,
like dogs, chickens...

Teenage boys.



Chief, you know you half-ass this thing,

you're just gonna have to do it again.

Attaboy!

Man: It's 3:00 in the morning!

Hey, Tom!

♪ Da, da,
da-la-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da-la, ♪

♪ Da, da,
da-la-da ♪

♪ The story of my life ♪

♪ "Pilot" ♪

Yeah, it looks like some
diminished perfusion,

- in the right upper lobe.
- Coming through.

Morning.

[Gasps] Whoa!

[Robotic voice] Stud alert.
[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Frankie, do you have any
idea, how handsome you are?

If I were 20 years younger
and not your mom...

I made it weird, didn't I?

Yep, a little bit.

Okay.

Look, Mom, uh,
thank you so much

for all the new school clothes,

but I'm not so sure
if this shirt is me.

It's got two sleeves and
a neck hole. It's you.

Listen, honey, that
shirt is heat-sensitive,

it changes colors. I think
it's a whole lot of fun.

- Oh-ho, it's so much fun.
- Yeah. Yeah.

But what if we return it for a shirt

that maybe doesn't change colors at all.

It's the first day of high school,

I'm really not trying
to stand out, you know?

Ha! Good luck with that.

What? The boy grew 10
inches over the summer.

Unless some other kid lost an arm,

he's gonna stand out.

I'll return the shirt this weekend. Okay?

Thank you.

Your mother is not returning diddly-doo,

it is her first day as well,
and I'm talking law school,

not the dumb-dumb factory you attend,

which, by the way,

means I'm in charge of
parenting from now on?

That's exciting.

Rachel should hear this, too.

Rachel! I'm in charge,
of parenting!

- Rachel: What?!
- She's on board.

[Sighs] Be ready to leave
by the time it takes me

to finish this coffee
and take a dump.

♪ Wild, wild, wild, wild life ♪

This book is garbage,

you can't get dinosaur DNA
out of tree sap.

Who reads this crap?

Uh, everyone on Earth.

Surrounded by idiots.

Should I be doing this?

Oh, boy.

Should I be going to law school?

What if Frankie grows
up and turns out to be

one of those men that pays
prostitutes to pee on them?

What the hell
are you talking about?

I don't know. I just feel
like I'm being so selfish.

That's B.S, you've had my back
for years, now it's your turn.

I cut back my hours at the hospital.

I'll be here for the kids.

Taking care of those two
is harder than you think.

I take care of people
with cancer. I got this.

The kids don't have cancer, Jack.

Cancer's inside everyone,

it's just a matter of whether
or not it metastasizes.

I could take you and the kids
down to the lab right now.

I run a test on you...
You got cancer.

Worst pep talk ever.

I got this. Go.

Thank you.

[Sighs] God help me,
I love that woman.

If an asteroid were to hit this earth

and she and I were the only
two people left alive,

I'd be okay.

What about me?

Well, there'd obviously
be a grieving period,

I'm not an ass.

Rachel:
♪ It's such a good vibration, ♪

♪ It's such a sweet sensation ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on, ♪

♪ Yo, it's about that time ♪

The little I can
hear of that is horrible.

- Dad, you're passing them.
- [Tires screech]

["She Drives Me Crazy" by
Fine Young Cannibals playing]

Where's Mrs. D?

She left me, for the neighbor,

they're on a screw-fest,
in the Bahamas. Get in.

New ground rules for carpooling.

No eating, no seat drumming,
just silence.

[Speaks Spanish]

- Pain.
- Ow!

What the hell was that?

Mikey feels that
speaking in Spanish

is kind of like telling secrets.

So whenever George speaks
Spanish, Mikey brings the pain.

Michael, is there anything I can
say to make you not do that?

Nope.

Fair enough.

[Indistinct conversations]

Get out.

♪ I can't stop ♪

So, I red in my mom's magazine

that girls get turned on
when they're, like, ovulating.

So that's, like, the best
time to ask them out, right?

We just have to figure out when,
that's happening for everyone,

and make a calendar.

Dude, we're not making
a period calendar.

[Chuckles]

Hey, Frankie.

Up till now, girls didn't
know I existed,

especially girls like...

Heather Blumeyer.

[Chuckles] I was at
that summer-league game

against Helix, when you
threw that no-hitter.

You think, you'll make Varsity?

Uh, well... I mean...

[Sighs] Uh I mean, I'm only...

Frankie's gonna be the
only freshman on the team.

Hey, didn't you used to
be in the grade above me?

What are you, the grade police?

Okay. Cool. [Chuckles]

Well, my parents are out of town.

And I'm having people,
over Friday night.

You guys should come.

Really? Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, we totally will.

Okay.

Well, let me know, if
I should bring anything!

- All right.
- Mikey: Dude.

What?

Wait, don't be a bitch.

Hey, uh...
When's Mom coming home?

No.

Uh, I don't think that
was a yes-or-no question.

You're not bugging your
mom. What do you need?

Uh, well, there's a girl
at school, and sh...

Let me help you out here,
you're 16.

Whoever this girl is,
she's not the one.

I mean, hell,
when you get married,

there's a 50% chance
you're gonna get divorced.

So even the one,
might not be the one,

it's a coin flip.
So don't sweat it.

You're welcome.

Dude, you want to know
what to do with Heather?

You got to see a naked chick.

I can make that happen. Let's go.

Where you going?

To study with Doug.

- Who's Doug again?
- My boyfriend.

Dad, it's been six weeks,
it's pretty serious.

Sweetheart, I'm a doctor.

The only thing I take seriously
after six weeks is diarrhea.

Ew.

Look, for some reason,
he wants to meet you.

Mikey's plan to see naked chicks,

was not what I expected.

Welcome to Bum City.

No... way.

George: Nice!

The mother lode of smut.

Ahh.

It says here she was a
nerd, in high school.

I feel like that's not true.

Hey!

Run!

["Been Caught Stealing" by
Jane's Addiction playing]

- [Dog barks]
- Bring back my boobs!

I was not bringing back,
his boobs.

Split up!

♪ I've been caught stealing ♪

♪ Once when I was 5, ♪

They were my boobs now.

♪ It's just as simple as that ♪

♪ Well, it's just a simple fact ♪

♪ When I want something ♪

♪ And I don't want to pay for it, ♪

♪ I walked right ♪

♪ Through the door ♪

♪ And I walked, right
through the door, ♪

♪ It's mine ♪

[Snoring]

Don't. I'm studying.

You're not.
You're snoring.

That's impossible.
I don't snore.

Well, then there's a horse
dying on your side of the bed.

[Laughs]

How did it go,
with the kids today?

- Eh, piece of cake. [Sighs]
- Mm.

Okay.

Not to say that a reward
wouldn't be appropriate.

Oh. Right.

'Cause after one day
of doing what I've done

[Chuckles] forever, you
think, you've earned a reward.

No, no, no, the reward's for you.

[Laughs] Oh! Oh, my God!

Why was I up at 2:01
in the morning?

2:02 in the morning?

[Sighs] I couldn't stop
obsessing, about one thing...

Full-on naked girls.

Hello, ladies.
It's just you and me.

[Click]

- Jack: Hey.
- And my dad.

Drop the shovel, or I'll
drive you into town like that,

and leave you there.

[Clang]

You want to tell me why you're
digging a hole in my backyard

at 2:00 in the morning?

Uh, we took those,
from two homeless guys,

and they were not psyched.

And then I get home and, I
see Mom, so I buried them.

And I'm laying in bed, and I
can't stop thinking about them,

have you ever had
something like that,

that's just in your brain, and
it's burning and burning and...

Who in the hell
stuck a quarter in you?

Will you please stop talking?

Okay, there are three things I
want you to take away from this.

One. You will not have sex

with a woman who looks
like that ever in your life.

Two. Women don't screw crazy
like they do in those pictures.

- Well, they do.
- They don't.

And three. I hate stealing,
you're gonna return those.

[Scoffing] What? That's crazy.

Don't care.
Fill that hole in the morning.

That's it?

No, if you're gonna roam
around, outside at night,

stop sleeping in nut-huggers,
no one wants to see that.

♪ Yo ♪

Please. A velociraptor
can't open a damn door,

I'm out.

Toss that back.

So he just buried them?

I handled it. Go to school.

He's becoming a man.

He doesn't know how to deal,
with these new feelings.

He takes 45 minutes showers,
he's dealing with them.

Yeah. My son doesn't do that.

He does.

I know he does, but he doesn't.

Promise me
you'll help him with this.

Mm-hmm.

I'm promising.

I got this.
I know exactly what to do.

Most Dads would have
taken their son,

to Red Lobster and
given them the talk.

Ha. Not my dad.

- What the...
- ♪ I won't let you down ♪

♪ I will not give you up ♪

- No, no, no, no,
- ♪ Got to have some faith, in the sound, ♪

♪ It's the one good
thing that I've got ♪

- ♪ I won't let you down ♪
- Um...

Look, uh...

Do not read that note, please.

♪ 'Cause I would really,
really love to stick around ♪

No, no. Hey.

"Frankie, I will only pay for a baby

that comes out of your mother, Dad."

[Laughter]

Unfortunately back then,

every high school,
had to have this guy.

Ha! Brutal!

Oh, great. It's you two.
Where's my kid?

He walked home.

Why?

♪ Heaven knows I was,
just a young boy, ♪

♪ Didn't know what
I wanted to be ♪

So... how was your day?

Why would you do that,
without telling me?

Oh, wait. I forgot, you
do whatever you want.

And, by the way, you
could have given me one.

I didn't need a lifetime supply.

Well, for your sake, I hope one,
box is not a lifetime supply.

Come on. Get in the
car. I'll let you drive.

That won't work, sir.
He's scared of driving.

♪ Oh, freedom, ♪

What kind of kid's afraid of driving?

♪ Freedom, ♪

Oh, come on. We'll go get pizza.

♪ You've got to give,
for what you take ♪

- ♪ Freedom, ♪
- I'm not talking to you.

Well, merry Christmas to me.

What the hell are you two doing?

You promised us pizza.

You know what? I did.

Everyone who's
speaking to me gets pizza.

Hey, Rach, we're...

- ♪ Damn ♪
- Dad!

♪ I wish I was your lover ♪

♪ I'd rock you till
the daylight comes ♪

Awesome.

- Dr. Dunlevy, I just...
- Doug,

there is not a scale available,

with which I can
accurately measure

how much I want you
to leave right now.

Hey! How's my family doing?

Dad put a giant box of
condoms in my backpack,

and it fell out, at lunch.

- He did what?
- He also barged into my room.

I'm just glad I stopped
your boyfriend at second base.

She had a boy in her room?
Where the hell were you?

Oh, I was out,
buying massage oil for them.

I didn't know, he was here.

Mrs. D, you have, a
very beautiful daughter.

- Schwing.
- Get out.

Leave the pizza.

I'm starving.
You two, go to your rooms.

[Sighs]

Oh, this is perfect.

Do you have any idea how
much homework I have tonight?

Honey, relax. I got this.

No, Jack. I've got this.

Knock yourself out. [Sighs]

Adult Frankie: Mom always knew
just how to push Dad's buttons.

Um, they escape from the
island, and both the kids live.

You're welcome.

Jack, what were you
thinking with Frankie?

He's 16 years old, and
my job is to make sure

he doesn't get a girl
pregnant or drink and drive,

which, by the way, is not an issue,

because he's terrified of
getting behind the wheel.

Otherwise, nothing he
does at this age matters.

If something matters to
Frankie, it should matter to you.

Same goes with Rachel.

Have you even spoken
to Doug before today?

It's irrelevant.
Did you even punish her?

She's grounded.

I figure for shirt off, three days.

Pants off, it would have been a week.

What if, she gets pregnant?

Two weeks, no TV. I don't know.

Honey, you've got to
get in the game more,

they think you don't care.

I love those damn kids.

I may not always like them,

but name one parent
who would hang out

with their kids if they
weren't their kids.

I love hanging out with our kids.

You're just lying, to make a point.

I promise I'll try.

Mm-hmm.

[Horn honks]

Alison's giving me a ride.

And, yes, I'll go straight home.

♪ Hey, ♪

[Clicks tongue] Peace.

George: So, let's say,
at the party tonight

you're making out with Heather
and she takes off her shirt...

Whoa. She just takes her
shirt off and lets them out?

- That happens?
- Bitches, man.

I don't think they like,
being called bitches, dude.

Good.

You know what?
This is too much pressure.

I don't want to go to this party.
I'm out.

- Are you serious?
- I don't want to talk about it.

Talk about what?

Uh, nothing.
You'd think it was stupid.

I think everything everyone
says is stupid. Tell me anyway.

A hot girl invited Frankie
to a party, but he won't go.

You two take the bus home.

You get behind the wheel,
you're learning to drive today.

[Car door opens]

Do you enjoy making me
uncomfortable?

Because you don't have
to try so hard at it.

I'm always uncomfortable.

- Okay, let's stop.
- [Brakes screech]

[Sighs]

Here's a scenario...

George got stabbed by one
of those hobos you robbed.

You've got to get him to the
hospital before he bleeds out.

But wouldn't I just call 911?

911 isn't working.

So this is like the
apocalypse or something?

Just sac up and get from here
to our house in five minutes.

Save George! Go!

- Go! Go! Go!
- [Tires squeal, engine revs]

["Add It Up" by Violent Femmes playing]

♪ Why can't I get just one kiss? ♪

Two minutes left.

Oh! George pulled the knife
out! Why did he do that?!

- I don't know.
- Blood is splattering everywhere!

- [Tires screech]
- Aah!

Why are you doing this?

♪ After day, ♪

That was a stop sign!

Oh! One minute. He's dying.

- You're little Mexican friend is dying.
- Aah! Oh!

[Exhales sharply]

♪ That the day is in my sight ♪

10, 9, 8,

- 7...
- [Tires screech]

- 6, 5...
- Stop counting!

4, 3...

- Whoa!
- [Brakes screech]

- [Sighs]
- Well done.

George lived, but all that blood
loss caused major brain damage.

He'll never speak again.
So that's a win-win.

Why would you make me do that?

Anything worth doing in
life is gonna be scary.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

All right.

Uh, I mean no. Not at all.

Go to that stupid party,
and talk to that girl.

You could have just said that.

[Sighs] I can't believe

you're making me study
with you every night.

Oh, honey, maybe you'd
be more comfortable,

if you took, your shirt off.

It so wasn't worth it.

It was awkward and just...

A lot of uncomfortable
pinching and squeezing.

I dated this guy in high school.

I thought he was going
to permanently change

the shape of my boobs.

[Both laugh]

[Knock on door]

He knows I'm grounded.

He just came to get
his calculus book.

- [Screams]
- [Shrieks]

Dad! Seriously?!

He's fine.

Aren't you, Doug?

Doug?

Look, my daughter's...

Smart, so she probably
wouldn't date a complete idiot.

I could be wrong.

Still, you and I should
get to know each other.

Uh, what's your name again?

Doug Manganaro.

- People call you Mango?
- No.

Good, that would be stupid.

Hey. I'm going to the party.

Be safe, little dude.

Shut up, Mango.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold
on. I'm hot as balls.

[Grunts]

Is that the shirt that changes
colors when you touch it?

Okay, so I didn't mean
to wear this shirt.

Hey, guys.

Come on in.

[Indistinct conversations]

♪ You're unbelievable, oh ♪

♪ What the, what the ♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪ What the, what the ♪

Weren't we in the same grade?

How about I punch you in the nuts?

[Laughs] That would suck.

So, I drove from there to
my house in five minutes.

And my dad said that
George would live

but he'd be brain-dead.

[Both chuckle]

You want to see my room?

Why? What's in your...

Yeah, I want to see your room.

♪ To want the world ♪

♪ and everything
you're asked to ♪

♪ brace yourself with
the grace of ease ♪

["Just Like Heaven" by The Cure playing]

Not a big Christian Slater fan huh?

I'm a huge fan.

Right.

It's getting kind of hot
in here. [Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Oh, I hate this stupid shirt.

I think it's cute.

♪ Show me, show me, show
me how you do that trick ♪

♪ "The one that makes
me, scream" she said ♪

♪ "The one that make
me laugh" she said, ♪

♪ Threw her arms
around my neck ♪

♪ Show me how you do it, ♪

So how was it?

It was awesome. She was wearing
this cherry lip gloss, man.

Can I smell it?

- Mm-hmm.
- [Sniffs]

Dude! Act like you've
been there before.

Hey, yo, Frankie.

Yo! What up, T-Money?

Yo, nice job in there.

Yeah, Heather said she
would have went further,

but you ain't try nothing.

Adult Frankie: And then
guess what the stoner said.

Ha! Brutal!

And right then I knew, he
had already told everyone,

first high school party I went to.

♪ That I'm in love with you ♪

And I was the joke.

[Door opens]

Hi, honey. What are you doing up?

Uh, can I talk to you, for a second?

Of course.
Let me just put my stuff away.

- Welcome home.
- Hi.

I need a late-night
snack. I'm thinking bacon.

What do you say? Eight
slices each. You want in?

I'm just gonna dive on in here.

I heard what happened at the party.

How? It was an hour ago.

Ah, Rach told me.

She heard it from her
skanky friend Alison.

Awesome.

I know you feel crappy right now.

But just let me ask yo, one thing...

If you close your eyes,

can you still remember
kissing that girl?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, I've kissed hundreds of girls.

Congrats.

Hey, let me finish the story.

Out of all of those girls,

how many do you think I remember?

Two... The first one and your mother.

And maybe this Filipino
nurse with a giant ass.

She was sloppy.

- All right, is this story almost over?
- Listen, kiddo,

you can't stop life from
screwing you when it wants to.

And I know you feel
like hell right now.

But you will always
remember your first kiss.

Dad, it was so embarrassing.

Well...

That will pass, I promise.

You know, if things
ever get too crappy,

you can always come home
and have bacon

with your mom and me.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

I might have also
grabbed her butt.

Well, no one can take
that away from you.

[Laughs]

Frankie, you want to talk?

- Um...
- [Sighs]

No, it's no big deal, Dad got it.

Oh, yeah.

[Chuckles]

Hmm.

Why do we have to, do this?

'Cause you stole.
Calm down. It'll be fine.

[Screams]

Run, boys! Run!

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Panting]

That should keep that
from happening again.

[Sighs] You're a pretty sick guy.

Yeah, maybe. $20 good?

Yeah, okay.