Superwog (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Formal - full transcript

After losing their dates to the school formal, Superwog and Johnny embark on a desperate journey to find two new hot girls to take.

We can't wait to take youse
to the formal tonight.

We can't wait either.

We've been thinking about
you guys all week.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Me and Rachel have been
thinking about you nonstop.

Babe, did you book us
a ride for tonight?

Yeah, I booked us a white, stretch limo.

Oh, baby.

No way!

That's my favourite.



I know it is, baby.

I want you from the
deepest part of my heart.

Hey, Johnny.

Have you got your suit ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh...

My-my-my-my mum ironed
it for me this morning.

Hey.

So, um... Me and Sam
really want you guys

to come to the pre-formal
dress-up party today.

Will you... come?

Nah, we're good.

Yeah, yeah, we'll come. What time?

Um, well, everyone's meeting
there in like an hour.

So will we see our
big, strong men there?



Yeah, yeah, you will. You
will. Yeah, yeah, you will.

OK, so, um...

This is what we want you to wear.

I can't believe it.

Bro, they're in love with us.

You know how good we're
gonna look tonight?

Yeah.

Hey, you reckon I can go
like this to the formal?

I love this outfit.

What are you talking about?
You look like a cough lolly.

Hey, isn't that...

Oh, shit.

Oi!

Oi, dickhead!

What do you want, bro?

What are you guys dressed up for?

Still don't have girls
for the formal tonight,

you desperate cunts?

We already got girls,
bro. Hotties as well.

Oh, yeah, really?

Who are they? Your cousins?

No, come on, tell us.
Who are you taking?

We're taking Rachel and Samantha.

No way.

Really?

Yeah. We're gonna go party with
them now, so piss off, dickheads.

Ooh, baby.

I want you from the
deepest part of my heart.

You fuckin' losers.

Ooh, baby.

I'm a virgin.

I was just bullshitting!
I was just bullshitting!

Ha-ha, see you later, losers.

What happened to your party?

Got cancelled. Get lost, Dad.

What are you doing?

Is there any problem you
want to talk to me about?

No, Dad!

Are you having a vagina problem?

Dad, I really don't want
to talk about this.

When I was your age, I
have the same problem.

No woman want to have sex with me.

My penis caused me a lot of problem.

But I want to tell you
about our family secret.

Mum!

Listen to me, boy.

I want you to see your grandmother.

She has a black ointment.

When you rub it on yourself, you
will attract beautiful women.

It is unbelievable.

What? Are you serious?

Yes, boy. It is the only reason
our family has survived.

When I put it on, I rooted nonstop.

I rooted 523 women.

Whoa.

I can root any woman I want.

But I choose to root your mother,
because she services my penis

and my penis only!

Dad, stop.

My penis became so powerful
a donkey wanted to root me,

so I rooted it.

I ROOTED A DONKEY!

OK, Dad! Oh, my God!

So it's an ointment you put on yourself?

Yeah.

And when you do, it attracts hotties?

Yes. Stunners. My dad used it.

It sounds like bullshit to me.

Bullshit? Bro, my dad used
it and rooted 523 women.

Oh, no, man. Your dad's a blow-arse.

I know, but I could tell
he wasn't lying this time.

He said it was so strong, a
donkey forced him to root it.

What the hell?

Oh, OK. So you don't want
to go to the formal, then?

Fine. You and me can join the chess club

and walk around the
school with chessboards.

Is that what you wanna do? 'Cause
that's what's gonna happen to us.

No.

Exactly.

You fuckhead.

Now, come on.

You no have a vagina for the formal?

No, grandma.

It's OK. I help you.

Here.

Don't give this to anybody else.

Your dick turn to avocado.

This make you not stop.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Give it to me.

You will have a beautiful woman.

They always throw themself to you.

I give it to you.

But you have to come back for lunch.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Give it to me.

Thanks, grandma.

You better be careful.

You have to give it good.

Yeah, yeah. For sure.
My grandma's crazy.

Johnny, you wanna practise?

Nah, he's alright, grandma.

You never touch boobs before.

Here. Come touch.

See? Is already work.

Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Let's get out of here.

Touch my boobs!

What the...?

I no have a husband for many years!

He dead 90 years ago.

The boy is gone. Go to your room
and prepare yourself. I am horny.

No.

What, no?

What is no?

No.

What is this word?

I have never heard this word before.

I don't care.

Please.

- No.
- Why?

I don't feel like it.

You don't feel like it?!

No.

But I feel like it, so get
in the room and get ready.

No.

Woman, why are you saying no?

My testicles are hurting.

I will call the police on you!

Call the police?

Why don't you call one of your 500
women to service your penis instead?

No. No, no, no!

You do not understand!

- Please!
- No.

I will be very quick this time!

What are you talkin' about?
You're always quick.

Get away from me!

You will not have sex with me again!

You idiot!

Alright, good luck.

I'll be at my usual spot.

Oh, hey!

Hello. How are you?

Yeah, good, good. Jeez,
you're going quick.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Oh, this is nothing.

I'm so not motivated.

What are you training today?

Uh, a bit of everything, you know.

- What are you doing?
- Uh, nothing.

Get away from me.

So, anyway...

Tonight, I was thinking...

Are you sure you're not going too fast?

Yeah, I'm fine.

What the f...?

How'd you go?

Not good. I've got this old
lady who keeps staring at me.

- You?
- What? Me too.

This place is weird.
Let's get outta here.

- Come over here.
- Come on, boys.

What the hell is going on?

Is yours coming off?

No, no! My grandma's a liar!

I think it's in my balls.

Me too!

Gosh. Sounded like a shit
fight in there. You alright?

Yes, it is my wife.

What happened?

No.

My wife say to me, no.

- She says no?
- Yes, she say no for...

Oh, right.

You're in the doghouse, mate.

Doghouse?

No, no, I couldn't have sex with
your dog. Thank you for offering.

What?

No, mate.

When your wife is angry and she
doesn't want to sleep with you,

that means you're in the doghouse.

Yes, but my testicles are in
a massive amount of pain.

That's because you've got blue balls.

No, I do not.

Yes, you do.

But my testicles are black.

No, no.

When your wife says no,
you get blue balls.

How do I make her say yes?

Look. All I can say is you'd
better stop it early,

or else it can go on too long.

It's been 10 years since
my wife said yes.

Oh, no, what do I do?

Just knock one out, mate.

What is that?

One of these.

So let me see if I have this correct.

To root your blue dog, I
have to knock him out,

so he doesn't tell anyone?

- Is your neck itchy?
- Yeah.

This shit is evil, bro.

Oh, my gosh!

Look at that.

Fuckin' ugliest cunt in the area
talking to the hottest babes

like it's nothing.

It's bullshit, bro.

If it wasn't for that cute little puppy,

they wouldn't even look at that guy.

Oh, my God.

It's working.

Aw, can I pat him?

- Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
- Can I pat him too?

Yeah, yeah.

Where did you get them?

They're actually orphans.
We rescued them.

Yeah, we... we love dogs.

Oh, my God, that is amazing.

You two are so sweet.

Hey, uh... W-w-w-what are
you two up to tonight?

Oh, um... Nothing.

Actually, we were looking for two
guys have a fun night out with.

Uh... W-w-well, you know... um...

We have a f-f-f-formal.

Yeah, yeah. We have a
formal tonight a-a-a-and...

And-and... c-c-can-can... Can you-you...

It's your formal tonight and
you want us to come with you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, you know, we actually think that

there should be more guys out there

who are caring and
sensitive and respectful,

who consider themselves to
be dog rights activists.

Yeah, yeah. We love dogs.

You know, I think humans
should be more like dogs.

I know, right?

I wish I could do doggie style
and sniff butts all day.

What? Don't you do it doggie style?

Well, at least with doggie style
you don't have to look at my face!

Excuse me.

Yes, how can I help you today?

Yes, hello. I have blue balls.

Sorry?

My balls are blue.

OK, was that due to trauma to the area?

Yes.

What happened?

My wife say no and now
my balls are blue.

OK.

I am in the doghouse.

I have a blue house with balls.

The dog knock one out for me.

I will knock one out, not with the dog.

I'm sorry, I don't understand
what you're saying.

Can I give my wife something
to make her say yes?

Well, it sounds to me like
you need to give your wife

a bit of love and affection.

Love and Affection?

Where do I get this? How much is that?

No, unfortunately I can't
help you with that.

OK, please give me
sleeping-pills, a cloth

and very sharp medical scissors.

No, look, I'm sorry, you're going
to have to leave the premises.

No, no, no! No!

No, I just need the pills to sleep

and the scissors to cut my balls off.

Get out!

Get out of here!

It's funny, huh?

You get a vagina?

We did. From crusty old
ladies, what the hell?

Sit down and eat.

I'm serious, Grandma, don't fuck
me around anymore, alright?

Don't you talk to me like that, boy.

OK.

You fucking rude boy!

I'm sorry.

It's just, Grandma, our
formal is in four hours

and instead of finding babes, you
almost got us into a granny orgy.

- Here, have some more.
- No, no, no.

We don't any more of your
evil liquid, alright?

Why don't you take one of your cousin?

- No way.
- Why?

You have two beautiful
cousin. They are sisters.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

You used to play with them
when you were little.

But after family problem,
you stop seeing.

Really?

No-one will know they are your cousin.

They are beautiful.

Whoa!

Very big boobs.

Just the way you like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Johnny, are you sure you
don't want to practise?

Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure.

I think it's so great you're not scared

to take your first
cousins to your formal.

Look, social norms scare
some people, but not me.

I'm not afraid to
challenge them, you know?

You're very brave.

Oh, here they are.

Argh!

Argh, what the fuck!

Look what you did to me.

I am non-functional!

Who is there?

Oi! Everyone shut up.

Those two girls are prostitutes.

- No, they're not.
- Yes, they are.

You can't prove shit, bro.

Have some respect.
You're offending them.

You dickhead.

That is Julja and Tammy from
page 545 in the Yellow Pages.

You can't prove that.

No-one even has the Yellow
Pages any more, dickhead.

Yes, er, I actually have one right here.

Look.

Hey, Jackson, is that you?

Yeah, I remember him.

He hired us for 30 minutes.

You lasted 30 seconds and then you
asked us to play with your feet.

By the way, did you fix
your little problem?

Now fuck off, you idiot!

Get out of here.

I don't want to see your head back here.

Come here, baby.

Babe, I'm sorry.

I thought I was the only one
who played with your feet!

Babe, you do. She's lying.

I only copped a gobbie from her.

Get them out of here now!

- You cleaned the house.
- Yes, I did.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

The clothes. They're all gone.

Did you...

Yes, I put them in the washing machine.

- But did you put...
- Fabric softener?

Yes, I did.

150 millilitre.

Lucky bastard.

Hey, love...

Fuck off.

Thanks for tonight.

No, thank you.

We had so much fun.

We were thinking...

We actually really like you two.

That's funny because we really like you.

No, seriously, you two are really fun.

Sweet guys.

If you want, we'd be
happy to, you know...

Oh, yeah!

Mm, yeah!

You like that?

Yeah, yeah. I do.

I love it when it's red in the middle.

Oh! It's spilling everywhere!

Yeah, here, put this in your mouth

and tell me this isn't the
best thing you've ever had.

Wow.

We never thought we'd meet two guys

who are as passionate about
doughnuts as we are.

So when do we do anal?

What?

Ohhh! I feel so much better.

Oh, my God. I think I
need to see a physio.

You are the only woman who
can truly service my penis.

Thank you.

That is very sweet of you.

What?

Did you really sleep with
all those 500 women?

No, no.

I just said that to give
the boy confidence.

It is not true.

What about the donkey?

No, that is true.

But I had to.

The donkey would not leave me alone.

I was just bullshitting!

Ha-ha-ha! See you later, losers!

Fuck you, then!

What?

Get the fuck out of here!

Don't fuck me around anymore, alright?

Oh, what the hell?

- Hey.
- Hey.

You do anal, I know, I saw
it on the ad, you fuckwit.

There are only two ways to get bitcoins.

You either buy them or you find them.

OK, so how many have
the computers found?

The electricity bill! This is madness.

Where are we going to find
free electricity and internet?

Are these the one you after, fat boy?

Yes, thank you.

You think I cannot make electricity?

That means in half an hour we'll
have earned hundreds of bitcoins.

Cryptocurrencies such as bitcoin

have risen in value by over 1,000%

in the last two hours.

Nothing says success like a Ferrari.

How will you be paying?

Bitcoin!