Superwog (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Final Exam - full transcript

Babe, look.

Oh, my God.

It's a 1988 twin-cam Corolla,
that comes with six months' rego.

Excuse me, but me and
my friend were arguing

over who gives better sex.

Would you mind doing us both
and deciding who's better?

Hmm... Who wants to go first?

- Me!
- No, me!

No, me! No, me!

- No, me!
- Me!

Move, you idiot! Move, move!



- D... d...
- Go inside. Go inside!

Maths, 25%.

- What is that?
- What?

Why can't you congratulate
me on the 25% I got,

instead of the 146% I didn't get?

English, 15%.

That's an improvement.
Last year, I got 8%.

Boy, your final exam is this week.

So?

The final exam will determine
the rest of your life.

Bro, the final exam is
just a piece of paper.

The system wants you to believe it
matters, but it doesn't mean shit.

You're being brainwashed, bro.

Boy, I pay $30,000 a
year for your education.



That's not my problem.

I didn't ask to be put in a
private school. You put me there.

Dad, are you OK?

Uh-oh.

Mum, Mum!

Argh! Argh!

Oh, God, he's dying! Argh!

Argh! Argh!

- What's wrong with him?
- He's suffered a mild heart attack.

His blood pressure is dangerously high,

and must be lowered immediately.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

He'll have to stay in
overnight for observation.

It is imperative he avoids
any stressful situations.

Is there anything in his life that's
causing stress at the moment?

Hey, I need two bucks for
the vending machine.

What?

I'm gonna lose him. I'll have no-one.

I will become the slut of the family.

Honey, you have to pass the final exam.

Mum, I've failed every exam I've done.

What makes you think I'm
gonna pass this one?

You have to. You're
going to kill your dad.

What's that stupid car you're
always looking at on the computer?

What, the 1988 twin-cam Corolla
that comes with six months' rego?

Yes, yes, that one. You pass this
exam, and I'll get it for you.

Mum, the guy wants four grand for
it. What are you talking about?

Dad said over his dead
body he'll get it.

Wait, that might be soon.

Give me his number. I'll
negotiate with him.

- Really?
- Yes.

You pass, and it's yours.

Now go and study.

- Bro.
- What?

My parents said they're gonna buy
me the car if I pass the exam.

Wait, the 1988 twin-cam Corolla
that comes with six months' rego?

Yes, I'm going to get tutors, I got
to get books, I have to study.

I'm going to spend 10 hours
a day in the library.

- Have you lost your fucking mind?
- What?

I thought we had an agreement.

What agreement?

To always do as little as possible
in school, no matter what.

There's always a better way than
studying hard and doing well.

I know, I know.

Bro, once you start
passing, you can't stop.

It's addictive.

You'll become a good student and
then it's all downhill after that.

And then, I don't know if we
can hang out anymore, bro.

You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

You know what Tony Robbins says
when you really want something?

You got to go out,
grab it and walk away.

Wait a minute. That's it.

We steal the exam paper!

See, now you're talking.

All we got to do is find someone

who will tell us where
they hide the papers.

Psst.

Oi, bro.

- What?
- We need your help.

What do you want?

Naked photos of teachers?

- Yeah, alright.
- Yeah?

Yeah, 10 bucks for a five pack.

Ooh.

There you go. And thank you.

- Are you done?
- Yeah.

Listen, where do they
keep the exam papers?

I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?
- Why would I know about exam papers?

'Cause you see everything, don't you?

If I knew anything about exams,

I wouldn't be here
cleaning shit, would I?

But if you want more photos, see
me here tomorrow at recess.

We don't want the photos, you weirdo.

Man, who else can tell
us where the paper is?

Oh.

Oh, that's fucking disgusting.

Isn't that the chemistry teacher?

Yeah, bro. Fuck!

These private school
teachers, man, honestly.

What the fuck? Who is that?

Do they even work at this school?

I don't know, man. Who is that?

Oh, yuck!

Wait, wait, wait!

That's Mr Johnson.

So?

Here's a mobile blood pressure monitor.

Keep this on you today so
we can keep an eye on it.

- Does it have bluetooth?
- No.

- OK, get me one with bluetooth.
- None have bluetooth.

- They're all the same.
- Every mobile has bluetooth.

Why doesn't it have bluetooth?

Do not interrupt the
doctor when he is talking.

- I'm not interrupting him.
- Yes, you are.

Am I interrupting you?
Did I interrupt you?

- No, no, guys, look.
- You are interrupting him.

I don't want to hear your voice anymore.

I'm just trying to look
after you. What did I do?

I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

Ah, somebody get the bluetooth!

I haven't seen the paper,

so I can only tell you
what it will cover.

Yes?

Will there be environment questions
for the science component?

No. Any other questions?

Can we see the paper, sir?

Don't be a smart alec, mate.

My name's not Alec, mate.

That's all for now.

Please get your textbooks out.

Sir, will the exam be testing
anything about purple rabbits?

Sorry?

I said, will there will any
questions about purple rabbits?

Well... from what I
know, I don't think so.

Are you sure?

- Where did you get that?
- You don't ask the questions, I do.

OK, OK. It was the janitor,
wasn't it? That bastard!

I will put this photo up on every
single noticeboard by 10:00am today.

Shh!

OK. What do you want?

I want the exam paper. I want it now!

Are you crazy?

I can't give you that. I
haven't even seen it.

Not the one with the horse.

Oh, yeah, bro. We got the
whole album, you freak.

You better talk.

OK, look.

The exam paper is kept in the
heads of department room.

You only have a small window of
opportunity to get in there.

The side window or the courtyard window?

It's not a window!

It's the time frame you have to get in!

So it's the window without a frame?

I'm talking about a time frame.

Just as the lunch bell rings,

the heads of department
all walk to the cafeteria

so they can access the best food
before the students get there.

From the moment they leave,

you have a 4-minute window.

Thanks, sir.

Fuck, is it really that bad
teaching private school kids?

Fucks youse up so bad you got
to start rooting toy rabbits?

You're a weirdo, bro.

I got you some apple juice, honey.

Thank you.

I am sorry about before.

It's OK, baby.

Hi. We're medical students from
the university across the road.

Do you mind if we ask you some
questions this afternoon?

Yes, OK.

What's the reason for
your stay in hospital?

Do you have a chronic illness?

No, I have a stupid son.

You're a doctor?

Yes, we're in our final
year of completion.

Ah! What made you want to become doctor?

Well, once I passed the
school final exam,

that's when I knew medicine was for me.

Yeah, same. The final exam
is incredibly important.

It changed my life.

Changed your life.

Wow. The school final exam.

Yeah, we were just talking about
how all our friends who failed,

a lot of them are getting injured
working in sewage management.

We end up treating them now.

It's really quite sad because
if you fail that exam,

it basically means the parents
will have a lifetime of hardship.

Pizza time!

Holy mother of God.

- I think I found it!
- What does it say?

I can't read under pressure!

Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, this is it.

OK, OK.

We have to photocopy it

and put it back in the exact
same position we found it.

OK, OK, we got it.

Give me the envelope and
I'll put the exam back.

Oh, no, you must be trying to do
colour. That doesn't do colour.

No, no, we're doing black and
white. We're doing black and white.

Well, just let me see that you've
put the document in correctly.

Nah, don't worry about
it. Get out of here.

- No, I'll help you.
- Fuck off!

Get the fuck away from it!

Hi, I'm Dr Chen

and I'm a fully qualified
chronic stress hypnotherapist.

Your doctor has instructed me to
look after you this afternoon.

Hello.

He tell me you a very angry man.

Please wait here for five minute
and I will with you shortly.

Thank you. OK, baby. Come on.

It's OK, baby. Sit down.
You need to sit and relax.

You never relax.

OK, thank you.

You are really looking after me.

Sorry about before.

It's OK, baby. Just relax.
I'll take care of you.

OK, I will relax now.

What do you want? I'll
get you something.

I do not want anything.

Come on! The doctor
said you have to relax.

Get me a tea.

- OK. You want sugar or no sugar?
- No sugar.

- Milk?
- No milk.

Are you sure? You normally have milk.

I never have milk. No
sugar, no milk. Thank you.

I'll put one sugar. But
I'm not asking for sugar.

I know, but I can tell you want sugar.

I don't want fucking sugar
or milk. I just want tea!

- Honey, relax.
- I am relaxed!

- No, you're not.
- I am fucking relaxed!

I am...

Somebody wake him up!

Wake him up! Help!

So I've had a look at the syllabus

and I think the English journeys
component needs to be changed.

Yes, well, I definitely
think considering the fact

the journey has been running
for six consecutive years,

it wouldn't be too much of stretch

presenting that to the Board of Studies.

I'll get around and see if we can
organise some kind of petition.

Yes?

Hi. I'm Mr Barry.

I'm an occasional
substitute teacher here.

I've got a meeting in 20
minutes with the headmaster.

Do you mind if I wait in here?

Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem.

I might just make myself a tea.

Johnny! Johnny!

It's a huge problem.

Yeah, I know.

What about Kevin?

Oh, Kevin!

"I don't speak English.

"I get 99% on English exam!"

That's a bit harsh, mate.

Have you guys ever taught Theo?

Oh, yeah, what a case that guy is.

He's dumb as a rock.

Dumb as a rock?

Mate, he's easily got to be
the dumbest fucking idiot

this school has ever seen.

You know what, I'd have
to agree with him.

And, like, he's not just dumb.
He's fucking ugly as well.

Don't you ever look at
Theo's head and just think,

"How did his parents not
abandon him at birth?"

And you know what, guys,

I think I might go and tell
the headmaster I quit.

No worries, mate.

I'll tell you who's worse than Theo,

it's his dickhead mate, Johnny.

He's a real case that one.

Oh, is he the short, fat one?

He's not that fat.

Are you kidding?

He's the only kid I've ever known

who smells permanently of custard buns.

Yeah, but those custard buns
are pretty nice, aren't they?

Theo's bad but, I mean, Johnny,
he's really the lowest of the low.

What? What did you say, you bald fuck?

Oh, shit.

Anger is bad.

Anger is bad.

Anger is for cavemen.

You're not caveman.

I am not caveman.

You're intelligent, calm human.

I am intelligent, calm human.

Do not try to change the
things you cannot control.

Do not try to...

Do not try to change
things you cannot control!

Yes.

Let go.

Ah.

Good, my friend. Good. Calm.

Calm.

Keep going. Repeat.

How did you do that?

1,000mg of Valium.

Enough for donkey.

I'm a doctor, not a fucking magician.

Here, put in his tea.

This man will never be angry again.

When I say, "Cease writing,"

everybody must stop writing immediately.

Go.

Oi!

Oi!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oi!

Yeah.

What the fuck are you
doing? Give my the answers.

I burnt my mouth.

Hurry up, you idiot.

I got suspended saving you,
bro. You better remember that.

OK, OK.

Now, have you put your
name on the exam paper yet

and your Board Of Studies number?

Oh, my God. Yes, you idiot.

'Cause, bro, if you don't
put your name on right,

the results won't go to you.

Question 1...

Yes?

A.

Are you there?

Yeah.

B.

I thought you said A.

I said B. B for 1.

You said A is 1.

No, I said, "Eh." As
in, "Eh, how are you?"

I'm going to fucking murder you
when I see you, you know that?

Where the fuck are you?

Johnny!

Are you there?

You fucking turd.

I've been sitting here for 45 minutes.

There's only five minutes left.

Is everything alright here?

Yes, I'm just having
trouble concentrating

'cause this guy fucking
smells like pizza.

45B. 46A.

47C. 48B.

49C. 50A.

Yes!

I feel no anger.

Fucking idiot. Get off the road!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

You are my friend on this earth.

I bless you.

Fuck off, you wanker.

What are you doing?

You should have called
me to come and get you.

No, no. I wanted to walk.

I have never felt what it
is like to be so relaxed.

Oh! They fixed you! They fixed you!

We have to celebrate. I'm going
to make you your favourite.

No, no, please. It is OK.

I want you to make your favourite.

Oh, my God! I want to
take what you're taking.

Hey, Dad, you're still alive.

Ah, my dearest son.

I am so happy to see you.

What happened to you, bro? You
look like a vanilla eclair.

Guess what, Dad, I got good news.

What is it, my son?

I not only passed the final exam,

but I topped the whole year.

100%.

100%!

My God, I cannot believe my eyes.

I told you this boy has my genes.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Positivity and encouragement

is all you need to achieve in this life.

That's right, Dad.

You know, I know your mother
promised to buy you the car.

But because I value hard work,
I will buy you the twin cam.

Come with me.

You're the best dad ever!

Hello.

Is this Theo's father?

Yes. A very proud one.

This is Mr Williams, school deputy.

You're going to have to
come into the school.

Your son has been caught
cheating in the final exam.

OK.

What happened is, he has
used private photos

to extort one of our teachers.

He's then trespassed on school
property, abused a librarian

and then used a covert microphone device

to have the stolen answers relayed
to him by his accomplice.

Can you come first thing tomorrow?

OK. No problem.

Thank you.

Does this mean I don't get the car?

You know Mr Rodgers, physics teacher?

Yeah. I got him...

..being sucked off by a dog.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Not photoshopped. Real, man!

You might think...

You might think you don't need it.

Eh, you want the exam papers?
You buy photos off me.

I've got one word for you boys.

You fucking cunt!

He's suffered a mild heart attack.

His blood pressure is dangerously high.

It must be lowered immediately.

Is there any problem you
want to talk to me about?

No, Dad.

Still don't have girls for the
formal tonight, you desperate cunts?

We already got girls,
bro. Hotties as well.

Are you having a vagina problem?

Dad, I really don't want
to talk about this.

It's OK, I help you.

Here. This make you no stop.

Oh, yeah, yeah, give it to me.

You will have a beautiful woman.

They always throw themself to you.