Superwog (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Family Jewels - full transcript
While renovating, Superwog and Wog Dad discover a letter written in the 1940s by an Australian soldier detailing the location of all his family's jewellery. This discovery quickly leads to a frantic, selfish race for riches.
Bro, all this because you
refuse to pay full price
for a toilet plunger.
It is the principle.
They put the price up during
the holiday to fuck people up.
- Not me.
- Alright. What's next?
- Now, we demolish the wall.
- Oh. I'll do it.
No, no. I will do it.
But I want to do it!
You will never beat me, boy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I will always win,
no matter what you challenge me in.
Never challenge me.
- OK. Can I have a go now?
- No!
Dad!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Look!
What the...
What is it?
It's a letter.
What the...
Dad, it's dated April 1942.
"My beloved Helen..."
"if you open this letter,
"it means I have passed
away on the battlefield.
"I have buried my inherited
family jewellery.
"The exact location
"is the Spooners Lookout
sign in the Blue Mountains.
"It will be enough to look
after our entire family.
"All you need is a shovel."
Dad, we have to go now. This
could be worth millions.
Give me that.
We cannot take these things.
It is evil to take something
meant for the dead.
No, it's not! What are
they going to do with it?
You are a fucking thief, boy.
- Where are you going?
- I will give it to the police.
Now? Mum's got the car.
It is OK. I will catch the bus.
You can start bashing the wall now.
No. I'm OK, actually. I
don't want to anymore.
- I'll come with you.
- It is OK. Please, I want you to.
I will deal with all this
boring paperwork myself.
No. I'm OK. I'll come.
- That must be your mother.
- Yeah.
Let go of me!
What's going on? What's going on?
Move! Move!
Ah! What's going on?
You fucking dog!
- Hello?
- What the hell took you so long?
- What?
- I waited, like, six rings.
So?
You normally answer within three rings.
I got to wait six rings now?
- What's this bullshit?
- Yeah, well,
maybe I'm a six-ring guy now.
I need you to come take
me to the Blue Mountains.
No, man. Every time I come with
you, it always ends up bad for me.
Bro, this is different.
Someone left jewellery,
and I'm going there to
dig it up for myself.
We're talking millions of dollars here.
I want a cut.
- You want a cut?
- Yeah, I want a cut.
How about I cut your face, huh? How
about I cut your fucking face?
- See you, man.
- Wait! Wait!
OK. What do you want?
I want a PlayStation
and three new games!
Why aren't you telling
me what's happened?
Tell me what's happened.
I'm taking you on holiday.
You're taking me on a holiday?
Who did you sleep with?
- Was it Sylvia from the post office?
- No.
It was her, wasn't it?
I knew you loved her.
I did not sleep with Sylvia!
Yes, you did. I can smell her.
I can't believe it. I can't...
I did not sleep with Sylvia!
Oh!
Stay here! Do not leave the car!
What are you doing? What are you doing?
OK. Look. I wanted to surprise you,
but I am taking you on a holiday!
But we have to hurry up!
It is very special!
Wait! I know you want to surprise me,
but is it a tropical or snowy holiday?
- Because I need to buy clothes.
- Uh, tropical!
- Ah! I have to buy bikini.
- No! Do not buy bikinis!
- Stay in the car!
- Why not? I need bikini.
Are you taking me to Versace
hotel? I have to fashion.
Everyone is fashion there.
Boy, what is this?
It's a sign.
Yes, but, uh, what does it say? I
have trouble because of English.
- What?
- I have trouble because English!
Alright. You go start up the
car. I'll get a shovel.
How are we going to fit
the bike in there?
Fuck the bike! I'll buy you another one!
Hey, I'm going to get us
some sausage sizzles.
Want onions on yours?
We don't have time for a
sausage sizzle, you fat arse!
Yeah, put onions on mine.
Mate, you're going to have to calm down.
I am calm! He is fucking idiot!
- What are you after?
- I want shovel! Where is shovel?
Shovels. Right. They're in aisle eight.
You alright?
Huge sale. 90% off toilet plungers.
90% off toilet plungers in aisle 30,
only available for the next 60 seconds.
Toilet plungers, best
quality, last chance,
perfect for tight-arses.
Get in the car! Get in the car!
Oh, no.
What the fuck?
Hey!
Win at everything, huh?
My poor baby! What happened to you?
Nothing. I fell.
Honey, did you move
the car? Where is it?
It's gone. I moved it.
Let's get to the travel agent.
I want to see if we can get
business class upgrades for the holiday.
There is no fucking holiday!
What? I thought we were
going to the Maldives.
We are not fucking going to Maldives!
You know, this is why I'm sick of you!
How could you do this to me?
I already went shopping
for the Maldives!
I shouldn't have married
you! I want to divorce you!
You idiot! What are you doing?
Don't you listen to me
when I'm talking, you...?
Highway patrol!
What the hell are you doing, mate?
Which way?
Google Maps isn't
recognising the address.
Are you using the map apps?
Because that's shit. Use Google Maps.
- It's not coming up!
- Shit. We got to ask someone.
Hey, do you know where
Spooners Lookout is?
No order, no direction.
What?
No order, no direction.
OK. We get one rice paper roll.
No! Minimum $20 order.
- Oh, my God.
- Now, everyone wants a cut!
You fat boy. You hungry.
OK. Where's Spooners Lookout?
No eat, no direction.
What? You changed it!
You said, "No order, no direction."
No eat, no direction!
Get closer! Get closer to him!
Special delivery from
Bunnings, you idiot!
Ah!
Take me home.
Actually, do you know
where the Maldives is?
Oh. Busted-up bike?
Are you talking to me?
No. The guy behind you.
What? Who is behind me? Where is he?
No! Your bike! Is it busted?
Yes, it is busted.
You're hurt pretty bad.
Uh, you want a ride?
Yes! Please! Please!
Where you heading?
Blue Mountain.
Well, come on in! I'm sure
we can work something out.
You are a very kind American!
Oh, bro, I don't feel
so well! Pull over!
Are you crazy? We're,
like, 15 minutes away.
Bro, I'm sick! Stop!
Yeah, and I need to piss.
I've held it the whole time.
Oh, for the love of God, stop!
I think I've got a fever!
I think that pho lady fucked me up!
Shut up! Shut up! I don't care!
How's it feel to beat your dad tonight?
Good, good. It's a good feeling
to beat a peasant like him.
I mean, you not only
beat him in the ring.
You've beaten him at
everything else in life.
Please do me. Do me, Superwog.
I would love to. Can I do
youse both in the ring?
Are you OK?
Ah! Ah! What the fuck?
I'm dying!
We need to take you to a hospital.
No, no. You are very kind. Keep going.
I've seen a lot, and I can tell
you that you are severely burnt.
- It is fine. Keep going.
- No way, my friend.
You'll get infected. We
have to take you now.
No! Do not take me to the hospital!
I just want to keep going! Keep going.
What the fuck, bro?
I told you to pull over!
I'm going to shit myself!
I'm going to shit myself!
I don't even care about
the PlayStation anymore!
Over there.
Oh, my God.
Where are we taking them?
They want them back at HQ.
- Both of them?
- Yeah. This is a big job.
Fuck it. Just take one, then.
Wow! This really does smell
like Thai passion lavender!
Johnny?
Johnny!
Johnny! Johnny!
OK! Who wants to see the
Australian Explorers Museum?
Yay!
No, no. This is very boring. Trust me.
But I want to see the Explorers Museum.
Have you been to the Three
Sisters? This is more fun!
OK, mister. Looks like
we're turning here.
- The museum it is.
- Nobody move!
Here! Get out of the seat and sit down!
Everybody stay calm!
Holy shit. It's OK. It's... it's OK.
Let the man do what he wants.
Just... don't hurt us.
That is better! Now, stay quiet, huh?
Don't make any sudden moves!
You tossers!
Need a lift there maybe?
Where you headed to?
Spooners Lookout.
That's not too far from here.
Just hoping to spend more
time with you, that's all.
Yeah.
Gosh, you're beautiful.
Yeah. Thanks.
No!
Hello, little boy.
Why is your head so big?
Honey, stop. Don't say that.
No, no. It is OK.
My head is big because my father
dropped me as a baby.
- Now, go back!
- Where are you taking us?
Uh, oh, not far. Just sit down.
Everybody just stay calm.
We're going to be OK.
Just relax.
I am normal, you see?
No! Sit down! Sit down!
♪ Amazing grace
♪ How sweet the sound
♪ That saved a wretch
♪ Like me
♪ I once was lost... ♪
Now!
This is for America!
Can't this go any faster?
No. This truck's
speed-limited, unfortunately.
So...
- ..what's your name?
- Uh, Becky.
Oh.
That's a... that's a cute name.
What are you doing?
- It's been a while.
- Let me out.
- Oh, come on, darling.
- No.
No means no, you fucking rapist cunt!
What, you're just going
to go pull your dick out
to a woman like that?
You fucking should be
disgusted with yourself,
you filthy animal.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the... get... get the fuck...
You fucking weirdo!
What the hell just happened to me?
What the fuck?
Give me your bike
and your clothes!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Shit!
Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah!
It is mine!
It is all mine!
Come here. Come here!
Get away from me, boy!
Give it to me! Give it to me!
I told you I would always win!
Give it to me! Give it to me!
Boy, pull me up first.
I'll pull you up, but we
have to split the money!
- Quickly! I am falling! Pull me up!
- We have to split the money!
- OK! OK! We will split it!
- How much?
- 70-30, my favour!
- No way! I'll drop you!
- OK! OK!
- 80-20, in my favour!
- What?
- 80-20!
I won, Dad. You got no
choice. Give me the money!
- I have no choice?
- Yeah, that's it! I won!
I have no choice?
No!
You will get nothing!
You will not see one dollar!
I am the only winner!
I am the only winner!
An American father
will never have to work
a day in his life again
after discovering hidden
vintage jewellery
this afternoon worth
millions of dollars.
When asked what he was
going to do with it...
Oh, well, the first thing is,
I'm going to share it 50-50 with my son.
It goes to show that
sharing really is caring.
At least you won, though, right?
Fucking... I will kill you!
Bro, I'm sick! Stop!
Look at me, Theo!
We have a scene to do!
Boy, your final exam is this week!
- So?
- The final exam
will determine the rest of your life!
If I knew anything about exams,
I wouldn't be here
cleaning shit, would I?
I want the exam paper. I want it now!
Are you crazy?
Wait a minute. That's it.
We steal the exam paper!
I think I found it!
Yes! Yes! Oh, my God! This is it!
Fuck off! Get the fuck away from it!
47, C. 48, B.
49, D. 50, A.
Yes!
refuse to pay full price
for a toilet plunger.
It is the principle.
They put the price up during
the holiday to fuck people up.
- Not me.
- Alright. What's next?
- Now, we demolish the wall.
- Oh. I'll do it.
No, no. I will do it.
But I want to do it!
You will never beat me, boy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I will always win,
no matter what you challenge me in.
Never challenge me.
- OK. Can I have a go now?
- No!
Dad!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Look!
What the...
What is it?
It's a letter.
What the...
Dad, it's dated April 1942.
"My beloved Helen..."
"if you open this letter,
"it means I have passed
away on the battlefield.
"I have buried my inherited
family jewellery.
"The exact location
"is the Spooners Lookout
sign in the Blue Mountains.
"It will be enough to look
after our entire family.
"All you need is a shovel."
Dad, we have to go now. This
could be worth millions.
Give me that.
We cannot take these things.
It is evil to take something
meant for the dead.
No, it's not! What are
they going to do with it?
You are a fucking thief, boy.
- Where are you going?
- I will give it to the police.
Now? Mum's got the car.
It is OK. I will catch the bus.
You can start bashing the wall now.
No. I'm OK, actually. I
don't want to anymore.
- I'll come with you.
- It is OK. Please, I want you to.
I will deal with all this
boring paperwork myself.
No. I'm OK. I'll come.
- That must be your mother.
- Yeah.
Let go of me!
What's going on? What's going on?
Move! Move!
Ah! What's going on?
You fucking dog!
- Hello?
- What the hell took you so long?
- What?
- I waited, like, six rings.
So?
You normally answer within three rings.
I got to wait six rings now?
- What's this bullshit?
- Yeah, well,
maybe I'm a six-ring guy now.
I need you to come take
me to the Blue Mountains.
No, man. Every time I come with
you, it always ends up bad for me.
Bro, this is different.
Someone left jewellery,
and I'm going there to
dig it up for myself.
We're talking millions of dollars here.
I want a cut.
- You want a cut?
- Yeah, I want a cut.
How about I cut your face, huh? How
about I cut your fucking face?
- See you, man.
- Wait! Wait!
OK. What do you want?
I want a PlayStation
and three new games!
Why aren't you telling
me what's happened?
Tell me what's happened.
I'm taking you on holiday.
You're taking me on a holiday?
Who did you sleep with?
- Was it Sylvia from the post office?
- No.
It was her, wasn't it?
I knew you loved her.
I did not sleep with Sylvia!
Yes, you did. I can smell her.
I can't believe it. I can't...
I did not sleep with Sylvia!
Oh!
Stay here! Do not leave the car!
What are you doing? What are you doing?
OK. Look. I wanted to surprise you,
but I am taking you on a holiday!
But we have to hurry up!
It is very special!
Wait! I know you want to surprise me,
but is it a tropical or snowy holiday?
- Because I need to buy clothes.
- Uh, tropical!
- Ah! I have to buy bikini.
- No! Do not buy bikinis!
- Stay in the car!
- Why not? I need bikini.
Are you taking me to Versace
hotel? I have to fashion.
Everyone is fashion there.
Boy, what is this?
It's a sign.
Yes, but, uh, what does it say? I
have trouble because of English.
- What?
- I have trouble because English!
Alright. You go start up the
car. I'll get a shovel.
How are we going to fit
the bike in there?
Fuck the bike! I'll buy you another one!
Hey, I'm going to get us
some sausage sizzles.
Want onions on yours?
We don't have time for a
sausage sizzle, you fat arse!
Yeah, put onions on mine.
Mate, you're going to have to calm down.
I am calm! He is fucking idiot!
- What are you after?
- I want shovel! Where is shovel?
Shovels. Right. They're in aisle eight.
You alright?
Huge sale. 90% off toilet plungers.
90% off toilet plungers in aisle 30,
only available for the next 60 seconds.
Toilet plungers, best
quality, last chance,
perfect for tight-arses.
Get in the car! Get in the car!
Oh, no.
What the fuck?
Hey!
Win at everything, huh?
My poor baby! What happened to you?
Nothing. I fell.
Honey, did you move
the car? Where is it?
It's gone. I moved it.
Let's get to the travel agent.
I want to see if we can get
business class upgrades for the holiday.
There is no fucking holiday!
What? I thought we were
going to the Maldives.
We are not fucking going to Maldives!
You know, this is why I'm sick of you!
How could you do this to me?
I already went shopping
for the Maldives!
I shouldn't have married
you! I want to divorce you!
You idiot! What are you doing?
Don't you listen to me
when I'm talking, you...?
Highway patrol!
What the hell are you doing, mate?
Which way?
Google Maps isn't
recognising the address.
Are you using the map apps?
Because that's shit. Use Google Maps.
- It's not coming up!
- Shit. We got to ask someone.
Hey, do you know where
Spooners Lookout is?
No order, no direction.
What?
No order, no direction.
OK. We get one rice paper roll.
No! Minimum $20 order.
- Oh, my God.
- Now, everyone wants a cut!
You fat boy. You hungry.
OK. Where's Spooners Lookout?
No eat, no direction.
What? You changed it!
You said, "No order, no direction."
No eat, no direction!
Get closer! Get closer to him!
Special delivery from
Bunnings, you idiot!
Ah!
Take me home.
Actually, do you know
where the Maldives is?
Oh. Busted-up bike?
Are you talking to me?
No. The guy behind you.
What? Who is behind me? Where is he?
No! Your bike! Is it busted?
Yes, it is busted.
You're hurt pretty bad.
Uh, you want a ride?
Yes! Please! Please!
Where you heading?
Blue Mountain.
Well, come on in! I'm sure
we can work something out.
You are a very kind American!
Oh, bro, I don't feel
so well! Pull over!
Are you crazy? We're,
like, 15 minutes away.
Bro, I'm sick! Stop!
Yeah, and I need to piss.
I've held it the whole time.
Oh, for the love of God, stop!
I think I've got a fever!
I think that pho lady fucked me up!
Shut up! Shut up! I don't care!
How's it feel to beat your dad tonight?
Good, good. It's a good feeling
to beat a peasant like him.
I mean, you not only
beat him in the ring.
You've beaten him at
everything else in life.
Please do me. Do me, Superwog.
I would love to. Can I do
youse both in the ring?
Are you OK?
Ah! Ah! What the fuck?
I'm dying!
We need to take you to a hospital.
No, no. You are very kind. Keep going.
I've seen a lot, and I can tell
you that you are severely burnt.
- It is fine. Keep going.
- No way, my friend.
You'll get infected. We
have to take you now.
No! Do not take me to the hospital!
I just want to keep going! Keep going.
What the fuck, bro?
I told you to pull over!
I'm going to shit myself!
I'm going to shit myself!
I don't even care about
the PlayStation anymore!
Over there.
Oh, my God.
Where are we taking them?
They want them back at HQ.
- Both of them?
- Yeah. This is a big job.
Fuck it. Just take one, then.
Wow! This really does smell
like Thai passion lavender!
Johnny?
Johnny!
Johnny! Johnny!
OK! Who wants to see the
Australian Explorers Museum?
Yay!
No, no. This is very boring. Trust me.
But I want to see the Explorers Museum.
Have you been to the Three
Sisters? This is more fun!
OK, mister. Looks like
we're turning here.
- The museum it is.
- Nobody move!
Here! Get out of the seat and sit down!
Everybody stay calm!
Holy shit. It's OK. It's... it's OK.
Let the man do what he wants.
Just... don't hurt us.
That is better! Now, stay quiet, huh?
Don't make any sudden moves!
You tossers!
Need a lift there maybe?
Where you headed to?
Spooners Lookout.
That's not too far from here.
Just hoping to spend more
time with you, that's all.
Yeah.
Gosh, you're beautiful.
Yeah. Thanks.
No!
Hello, little boy.
Why is your head so big?
Honey, stop. Don't say that.
No, no. It is OK.
My head is big because my father
dropped me as a baby.
- Now, go back!
- Where are you taking us?
Uh, oh, not far. Just sit down.
Everybody just stay calm.
We're going to be OK.
Just relax.
I am normal, you see?
No! Sit down! Sit down!
♪ Amazing grace
♪ How sweet the sound
♪ That saved a wretch
♪ Like me
♪ I once was lost... ♪
Now!
This is for America!
Can't this go any faster?
No. This truck's
speed-limited, unfortunately.
So...
- ..what's your name?
- Uh, Becky.
Oh.
That's a... that's a cute name.
What are you doing?
- It's been a while.
- Let me out.
- Oh, come on, darling.
- No.
No means no, you fucking rapist cunt!
What, you're just going
to go pull your dick out
to a woman like that?
You fucking should be
disgusted with yourself,
you filthy animal.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the... get... get the fuck...
You fucking weirdo!
What the hell just happened to me?
What the fuck?
Give me your bike
and your clothes!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Shit!
Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah!
It is mine!
It is all mine!
Come here. Come here!
Get away from me, boy!
Give it to me! Give it to me!
I told you I would always win!
Give it to me! Give it to me!
Boy, pull me up first.
I'll pull you up, but we
have to split the money!
- Quickly! I am falling! Pull me up!
- We have to split the money!
- OK! OK! We will split it!
- How much?
- 70-30, my favour!
- No way! I'll drop you!
- OK! OK!
- 80-20, in my favour!
- What?
- 80-20!
I won, Dad. You got no
choice. Give me the money!
- I have no choice?
- Yeah, that's it! I won!
I have no choice?
No!
You will get nothing!
You will not see one dollar!
I am the only winner!
I am the only winner!
An American father
will never have to work
a day in his life again
after discovering hidden
vintage jewellery
this afternoon worth
millions of dollars.
When asked what he was
going to do with it...
Oh, well, the first thing is,
I'm going to share it 50-50 with my son.
It goes to show that
sharing really is caring.
At least you won, though, right?
Fucking... I will kill you!
Bro, I'm sick! Stop!
Look at me, Theo!
We have a scene to do!
Boy, your final exam is this week!
- So?
- The final exam
will determine the rest of your life!
If I knew anything about exams,
I wouldn't be here
cleaning shit, would I?
I want the exam paper. I want it now!
Are you crazy?
Wait a minute. That's it.
We steal the exam paper!
I think I found it!
Yes! Yes! Oh, my God! This is it!
Fuck off! Get the fuck away from it!
47, C. 48, B.
49, D. 50, A.
Yes!