Superstore (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Conspiracy - full transcript

[upbeat music]

So turns out
that very aggressive redhead

who came in yesterday
was not Carrot Top.

- [all groan]
- I know.

We've reviewed
the tape several times

and can't in good conscious
call it a match.

I'm sorry, guys.
I guess I just

saw what I wanted
to see.

But he posed
for so many photos with me.

Next up, we're running short
on reusable bags.

Oh, we can just use
the ones under Mateo's eyes.



- Oh! - Oh! - Oh!
- Oh! - Oh! - Oh!

- Savage.
- Mm...

Are you guys still beefing?

I'm honestly impressed
with the commitment.

Now, we've noticed some of
your masks are getting dingy.

Cheyenne will be handing out
new protective equipment.

Based on her history,
I wouldn't trust

Cheyenne
with protection.

- Oh! - Oh! - Oh!
- Oh! - Oh! - Oh!

Damn.

I may be a teen mom,
but at least I don't look

like someone put
a Pixar character

into a microwave.

- All: Oh!
- [laughter]



Well, you'd be
DreamWorks, bitch.

- Oh! - Oh! - Oh!
- Oh! - Oh! - Oh!

- Savage.
- Please stop.

♪

*SUPERSTORE*
Season 06 Episode 09

Episode Title: "Conspiracy"
Aired on: February 11, 2021

I have to open early,
so let's just stick

to one round tonight.

Oh, and make sure
to text the group chain

- when you arrive.
- Are we sure that Brian needs

to know the exact time

that we're having sex?

Hey, successful polyamory

requires complete,
constant communication.

Speaking of, I read
your postcoital report

from last night.
You didn't fill in emotional state.

Hungry and sleepy,
that's usually where I'm at.

Hey, Dina, we got a problem
at the registers.

- They're not accepting coupons.
- Didn't you get that email?

We're only accepting
digital coupons now.

- What?
- Zephra's just updating things a little.

It seems crazy to change
something that's working.

The horse and buggy
was working.

It seemed crazy
to stop using that,

but then they
developed the car, and...

Well, that destroyed
the planet.

- That's a bad example.
- Excuse me,

do you have
gay iPad cases?

- Uh, yeah, in electronics.
Have a heavenly day.

Wait, you didn't hear
about that either?

- What?
- Oh, today is fun for me.

Zephra's asking
that we no longer

- use the term "heavenly day."
- What?

Yeah, there was a memo.
They feel it's a little loaded.

Yeah, yeah,
it's loaded with kindness!

It's the same thing
as saying "have a nice day"

- or "have a good day."
- Great.

- Then say one of those instead.
- To the customers?

I might as well
give 'em the middle finger.

You were killing it
this morning.

When you said
that protection thing

to Cheyenne,
I legit peed a little,

- and not even that little.
- Well, thanks.

Although, credit should
really go to Cheyenne

for not being able
to keep it in her pants.

[laughter]

- What the hell?
- Oh, whoops.

I don't know how
that unflattering photo of you

ended up
on all these screens.

Let me change it.

- [gasps]
- [laughs]

He looks like one
of those little boy-band boys!

At the time, that was
the best hair you could have.

- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

Do you guys know every time
you see Cheyenne

hanging around
the cell phone kiosk,

it's 'cause
that's where she goes to fart.

- [gasps]
- Ew.

Blowing up my fart spot
is messed up.

- You're messed up.
- You're messed up.

- You're messed up.
- Whoa, this is intense.

Okay, let's get really real
about Cheyenne.

Well, it happened.
Nina dumped me.

- Oh, no, really?
- Damn it, I'm so sorry.

You guys were just
at the Cheesecake Factory,

like, three weeks ago.

You looked so happy.

Guys?

Getting really real
about Cheyenne.

- Hey, it'll be okay.
- Guys?

- I'm really sorry.
- Guys?

♪ Yeah, I walk
right through the door ♪

♪ And I walk
right through the door ♪

♪

Also all noise-canceling
headphones are on sale.

Protect your ears
from Mateo's screechy,

tone-deaf, Celine wannabe...

Uh, I think Cheyenne might've
slipped another one in there.

Yep, yep, I just kind of
go to autopilot on these.

Sorry, guys,
not a real announcement.

Employee beef.

Man, those two are pissed
at each other.

This is bigger
than our "Dune" fight.

- [chuckles]
- What's a "Dune" fight?

When we were roommates,
remember?

I came home, and you and Randy
were watching

the director's cut
of "Dune" without me,

even though I specifically said
that I wanted to.

I mean, I remember watching
"Dune" with Randy,

- but you were there?
- No, no.

That's why I was
so pissed, remember?

And then, and then to get you back,
I made six branzinos

and stunk up the place.

That's why you did that?

I thought you were
just premaking

your meals for the workweek.

You thought I was gonna eat

a branzino every day
for a week?

I don't monitor
your fish intake.

Do you seriously
not remember?

That was, like,
our first big fight.

But whatever.
No bigs.

Hey, guys,
I need some computer help.

I'm trying to email
my friend Gary

at Cloud 9 corporate,
you know, about them making us

say, "have a non-heavenly day."

Oh, I'm not sure that's
what they were going for.

I think they're just trying
to play it safe, you know,

'cause some people don't
believe in Heaven.

Anyway, every time
I email him,

I keep getting
this weird message back

from a mailer demon.

Oh, that just means a demon
ate your friend Gary's soul.

- What?
- No, it's mailer-daemon.

It means that the email
doesn't exist anymore.

I'm sure there was
a whole bunch of reshuffling

at corporate
when Zephra took over.

So no more Gary,
no more Heaven,

just more computers
and demons.

Well, if it bothers you,
I'm sure you could find

somebody else
to contact at Zephra.

Yeah, you know,
do a little research.

- Find out who the new Gary is.
- I guess.

But if they think
they're gonna improve on Gary,

they're nuts.

The man was perfect.

5'9", brown hair, you name it.

That does sound perfect.

- You're 5'8".
- Same difference.

So you didn't see it
coming at all?

No, I always expected her
to kill me,

not to break up with me.

Well, if you ever need
a quick pick-me-up or whatever,

you have my number.

Yes, you've been very clear.
Thank you.

[scoffs] Oh, my God,
did the janitor quit?

Because there's a huge pile
of garbage at that table.

Get it?
Talking about Mateo.

Can you... Shh!
We're trying to help Sayid.

Well, Cheyenne's the one
who needs help.

- She's got less brains...
- Guys.

Can you take it outside?

Life is railing Sayid
right now.

Okay, I guess.

What were you gonna say?
Less brains than a what?

Honestly, I'm glad
they cut me off.

I think it was gonna be racist.

Okay, it's your turn
to field coupon complaints.

They're getting feisty
out there.

An old man
shook his cane at me...

Flirtatiously at first,
but then it got mean.

I'm sorry.
Just... I started

doing some research,
and I came across

this article,
"The Truth About Zephra."

I think there's
some fishy business going on.

Oh, like tax evasion,
offshore banking?

What are we talking here?

You know how
everyone's pushing this 5G?

Well, turns out 5
is the worst of the Gs.

They say
that it hits your brain

at a certain frequency

that lets them
control human behavior.

You think Zephra's
involved in mind control?

Okay, that's enough screen time
for you.

No, it's not that I believe
in mind control,

but they are trying to control
how we greet customers.

Glenn, enough.

This is why old people
shouldn't be allowed

on the Internet.

I don't trust Zephra either.

I've learned some stuff.

- You ready to wake up?
- Well, I am awake.

[whispering]
Not yet.

Oh, hey, skank.

Why are you stocking?
Did you finally get demoted?

No, I'm covering for Sarah.

Nina texted Sayid
that she had HPV

the whole time
they were dating,

so a bunch of people
took him out for ice cream.

- Mm, he's so lucky.
- I know.

I don't get it.

I mean, we're,
like, way more interesting

- than some dumped guy.
- Well, I am.

But you're like an Iggy Azalea
wannabe five years too late.

[scoffs]

Okay, that just felt
like nothing.

Yeah, it's not as fun
without anyone watching.

Right?

I feel like we could get
their attention back

if we just up
our game a little.

Yeah, we need something
splashy, something grabby.

Oh, exactly.

God, I am craving ice cream
so bad right now.

Me too.
Should we go get some?

Yeah, but you can't use
my punch card, 'cause you suck.

Good.
I wouldn't want to, dick.

Ooh, we should get
clown sundaes.

[mockingly] Ooh, we should get
clown sundaes.

- Yeah, we totally should.
- Okay. [giggles]

Hey, Marcus,
can you tell Glenn

what you told me
about Zephra?

[laughs]
What?

I didn't say anything
about Zephra,

and if you heard something,
it definitely wasn't from me

Marcus White.

[rock music playing]

Now, about Zephra.
What were you thinking?

Um.

Who do you think is the one...
Hold on, sorry.

[music stops]

It's actually
super distracting.

We'll just talk quietly.

Okay, so I read
something online

about how Zephra is trying
to control our minds.

It's all true,
and there's videos to prove it.

Just Google
"Zephra mind control

guy goes nuts at Red Lobster."

Marcus told me all about it

'cause of this weird thing
that's been happening.

Like, I've been shopping online
for a new mouthwash.

Then I came to work, and I got
a notification on my phone

with a digital coupon
for SuperCloud mouthwash.

Oi. So that's what
the digital coupons are about?

Yep, then
after I used that one,

they sent me more coupons,

so I kept buying the mouthwash
just like they wanted me to.

Okay, but, actually,
I'm just trying to find out

why they won't let us say
"have a heavenly day."

Well, of course
they don't want that,

'cause guess who their god is.

- A fat baby?
- What?

No, that's my nephew.
He's my lock screen.

- I meant the phone... technology.
- Oh.

When you think about it,
the Zephra app

tracks your location
and times your break.

So, in a way,
they've been controlling us.

- That's true.
- Yeah, and riddle me this.

What's with that room
in the back

- marked "Zephra personnel only"?
- What?

- What's with it?
- Exactly.

No one here knows because
we're not allowed back there,

which means...

that's where
it's all happening.

- Where what's happening?
- Exactly.

Exactly.

Hey, I was hoping
to return this.

I don't know if you remember,
but I was in here

a couple months ago.

Oh, yeah, no,
the car cell phone holder.

You had a Kia Optima, right?

I thought this would've worked
out for you.

It did,
but I totaled the Optima

in an illegal street race.

I know the return window
is probably over, but...

Nah, man, I'll hook you up.
No worries.

Your last name
was Dinkins, right?

Are you kidding me?

You don't remember our fight,
but you remember...

All due respect,
Mr. Dinkins...

The most random, boring guy
I've ever seen in my life?

Wow, okay,
that was rude.

Sorry about that, but he's
just going through some stuff.

What I'm going through,
Mr. Dinkins,

is someone who I thought
was my close friend

not remembering
a pivotal moment

in our friendship,
which makes me wonder

if we were even friends
in the first place.

Okay, and that's on the card

with the last four digits
5-8-7-6?

You remember
his [bleep] credit card number?

- It's on the receipt.
- That makes sense.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Well... [grunts]

Don't you think it's weird

that we don't have access
to this room?

- We're the managers.
- Oh, God.

You're still on this
Zephra is evil kick?

Come on, we don't need
to go in there.

- I'm sure it's just tech stuff.
- Perhaps.

But, you know,
Marcus and Sandra think...

Now you're listening
to Marcus and Sandra?

You guys
are like the Three Stooges

if Curly was Hawaiian.

Well, actually, I don't know
for a fact that he wasn't.

Wait, what if Zephra is
already controlling your mind

and you don't even know it?

Glenn, I promise you Zephra
is not controlling my mind.

Yeah, but they might be
making you say that.

Okay, would they
make me say this?

Zephra is
an inferior company.

- Their tablets barely hold a charge.
- Hmm.

Yes, because they want you
to convince me

that they're
not making you say things.

The fact that you think
they're controlling your mind

is proof that they're
not controlling your mind

because they wouldn't
want you to be aware that...

What am I doing?

Effective immediately,
there will be no more talk

about conspiracy theories.

Well, there goes
my afternoon.

What's this about?

Some people think

that Zephra's maybe trying
to control our minds,

but they're not, you know,
even if it seems like they are

because of what
they're making us say and do.

Okay, it doesn't matter
what it seems like,

because we're no longer
gonna entertain

talking about
these crackpot theories.

Okay, now, hang on,
'cause often these ideas

become stronger when people
feel shamed or marginalized.

All right, let's talk this out.

Why do we think Zephra
controls minds?

5G, it's bad stuff.

I did hear
it makes birds kill themselves.

- How does a bird kill itself?
- Just stops flapping.

That's dumb.
There's no Zephra conspiracy.

Oh, interesting,
an opposing viewpoint.

But the moon landing,
now, that was a big lie.

I'll tell you
what's a big lie...

Love.

Don't you dare
give up on love.

Cody's right...
They could have easily doctored

the moon landing footage,
just like they show us photos

where the Earth looks round
when it's definitely flat.

- And we got there.
- You're right, Jonah.

This is so much better
than just shutting it down.

No, you know what, Dina?
It can be.

Marcus, let's talk this out.

I think that the Earth is round

- because of science.
- Ugh.

Like, if you stand on a dock
and you watch ships sail away,

they eventually disappear
over the horizon.

You've done that?

Put on your little peacoat
and stood on a dock for hours

until ships disappear?

Well, I mean,
scientists have.

But you haven't
because you're afraid

of what you would find out.

Just like we might be afraid
of what we'd find

in the Zephra-only room,
which is probably nothing

so we should
just blindly trust Zephra

- and get back to work.
- Okay, okay.

"Leading scientist
admits Earth is flat."

Refute that.
I dare you.

I'm telling you
they would freak out.

I don't know.

Would people actually believe

that I put bees
in your sandwich?

I mean, like, where do we
even get a bunch of dead bees?

I think we just use raisins,
and I sell it.

Well, I feel like we need

to do something
more, like, emotional.

Yeah, you're right.

It's probably why this whole
Sayid break-up thing

is popping.

What if we had
a big public blowout,

you know, and we dropped
some major bombs?

Okay, yeah,
what if you come at me like,

- "I know what you did!"
- Okay.

And then you'd be like,
"And I know you were

"only friends with me
to get close to Bo

because you're in love
with him."

[gasps]

Do you see how I moved
the story forward?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yours was just like

attitude, which is fine.

Yeah, ooh,
and then it could come out

that you're Harmonica's
real father.

So her parents are me and Bo?

Yeah, imagine
how pissed I'd be.

Let's not commit
to anything just yet,

but we should definitely
jot some ideas down.

- Hey, man, did you text Randy?
- Well, I tried to.

I asked him if he remembered
me being mad

when I came home that night,
but I just got

a "sorry, wrong number" text.

Yeah, you texted him
12 times in 3 minutes.

He texted you that
so you would stop.

Oh, okay,
so then he's obviously

- still feeling bad about it.
- Feeling bad?

No, Randy
does not remember, okay?

Randy barely even remembers
watching "Dune."

Randy smokes a lot of weed.
Leave him alone.

Okay, fine,
but I'm not gonna apologize

for caring, okay?

You're an important person
in my life, Garrett.

A lot of men are scared
to say things like that,

but not me.

I'll tell you
exactly how much you mean to me

- to your face.
- Please don't.

Too late.
I'm already doing it.

I value your taste in music.

- Okay?
- Oh, boy.

Sometimes I save screenshots
of texts that you send me.

- What, why would you do that?
- I don't know.

To... to revisit them and laugh
or to send them back to you

at the perfect moment,
like June 12, 2018...

Eye roll,
"I'm never getting married."

You think I'm not
gonna throw that back at you

at your wedding?

So Bo went away
with you that weekend?

I thought his grandmother died.

Foolish girl,
she's alive and well.

- Nana's in on it, too.
- So they're still beefing?

Oh, yeah,
they're going at it.

- It's savage.
- I don't believe it.

Well, believe this.

Bo and I have
a deeper connection

- than you'll ever have!
- [scoffs]

This whole time, I thought
that you were my friend,

but really you were
only using me to get to Bo!

Yes, it was
the ultimate betrayal.

Oh, my God,
what they're saying...

It's written...
It's written here.

I got to tell Marcus
and Sandra.

What?
"Ultimate betrayal."

Wait a minute, did you guys
write this out ahead of time?

Is this fake?

What?
No, you're crazy.

I absolutely slept with Bo

in his grandmother's
meth bungalow.

- This is ridiculous.
- Whatever.

Wait, no, come on,
you guys, we're fighting.

Yeah, we just jotted down
a couple of bullet points.

Okay, this is
way more interesting

than some nobody
getting dumped.

- Ooh.
- Whoa.

Well, I'd rather be a nobody

than a couple
of Impossible Burgers,

'cause all I'm seeing here
is some imitation beef.

- Oh, imitation beef!
- Too funny.

- Oh, that's funny, Sayid.
- Oh, come on.

You don't think
he wrote that down?

[grunting]

We got to get in there
before it's too late.

- What is wrong with you?
- Dina, you don't understand.

Zephra has Mateo and Cheyenne,
every single word they say.

Whoa.

- Right, whoa?
- You bet your ass whoa.

These are
the mind-control machines.

- Are you sure?
- Totally.

Close your eyes
and picture a room

full of mind-control machines.

What do they look like?

- They look like this!
- Jesus, people.

This is just... tech stuff!

You know, you've got
your basic blinking lights.

The blues, the greens,
the yellow.

I mean, that's not common,
but it's still in the bounds.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
You're right.

This is all completely normal.

- Freedom!
- What?

- Okay, no, stop.
- Let him work, Dina.

- I don't want to hurt you.
- No, Dina.

- Red pill, Keanu!
- Marcus, enough!

"Abre los ojos"!

[devices beeping]

Ugh.

Connection interrupted.

Network error.
Network error.

I think we did it.

Thank you for your patience.

We did have a malfunction...

in some of
our employees brains,

but we're almost
back up and running.

Okay, the servers are reset,
and the registers

should be back online
in a minute.

Hey, you're not
gonna report this

back to corporate, are you?

Well, I do have to file
an incident report.

Okay, well, you know,
just be sure to put

that it was an accident
and that I love Zephra

and that the only secret
I think they're keeping

is how they're able
to sell such great products

at such affordable prices,

and I bet the answer's good,
not, like, child labor.

And I accept
full responsibility.

I, Cheyenne Lee,
of 1280 Raymond Street.

I'm really sorry.
I guess I just got confused.

Look, you're like
the old paper coupons.

You were kind of a nuisance
but arguably served a purpose,

- and now you're useless, but...
- But?

Oh, carrot cake Oreos
are back.

That's fun.

[upbeat music]

♪

So, uh, what do we think
of Havarti cheese?

[sighs]
I don't know.

- It's a cheese.
- All right.

You know what, man?
This needs to stop.

You're over here
playing the victim,

but you don't even remember

all the times
that you hurt my feelings.

Oh, yeah, what did I do,

rank the "Predator" movies
wrong?

No, but there was one time

I told you
I was gonna make dinner.

I went all out.

I went to, like,
three different grocery stores,

and then you just texted me
and told me

you were having dinner
with Amy.

Totally forgot about it.

Oh, well,
why didn't you say anything?

Because why
bring something up

just to make your friend
feel bad?

Garrett, I-I feel terrible.
I don't even remember.

Huh, it's funny
how that happens, huh?

This is good.

This is the communication
that we need, you know?

This is... this is good for us.

Havarti, great cheese
on a sandwich,

but it's got
kind of a creamy body,

and so if you're gonna be
putting it on the sandwich,

it needs to be layered
with maybe a crunch...

[muttering indistinctly]

We'll get into this later.

Hey, buddy.

You thinking
about buying a sled?

I don't know.
Maybe the sled will buy me.

I don't know how anything
works here anymore.

Oh, Glenn,
should you be drinking that

- with your diabetes?
- No!

I don't know
why we work so hard

to impress these people.

Employees at a Nordstrom
would have eaten this up.

Plus, everyone
should just chill the F out.

Like, Sayid's gonna get
a new girlfriend

in two seconds.

He's, like, a major fox.

Thank you.
I've been saying that.

- He's, like, sneaky sexy.
- Mm-hmm.

Once he came to pick up
his paycheck in shorts,

and I literally
had to excuse myself.

Oh, you're talking
about the blue cutoffs.

- Ooh, I remember those.
- Oh, my God.

So we should go on Hinge
and catfish Nina, right?

[gasps]
You read my mind.

Let's convince her
to cut all her hair off.

- Glenn, you're not quitting.
- I don't know.

It's all changing on me.

This isn't the company
I signed up to work for

after they drove
my family hardware store

out of business.

Well, that doesn't mean
that you should quit,

unless you want to quit,
in which case I do have

a resignation letter
prewritten for you.

You'd just need
to sign and date it.

Okay, look,
there's a lot of new stuff

getting thrown at you
right now,

and... and, yes, of course it's
gonna be difficult to adapt,

but you're gonna be okay...
You've got this.

Jonah, thank you
for believing in me.

But you're wrong.
I hate to adapt.

- Dina, go get that letter.
- On it.

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.

We just got another memo
from Zephra,

and it says we can say
"heavenly day" again.

Well, I didn't get that memo.

Must've been
when the servers went down.

Turns out that corporate
got Glenn's email after all,

and it totally changed
their minds.

- It did?
- You know what?

I-I saw that memo, too.
Good job, Glenn.

Thank you.

I keep refreshing,
but there's nothing.

- What time was it sent?
- Don't know, Dina.

But what I do know is we can
say "have a heavenly day" now,

and that's a great thing

because that means
we don't have to go crazy.

Oh, oh, yes.

Now that you say that,

I realize I have also
received and read that email.

I guess this old dog's

got a little fight
left in him, huh?

Who's doing
the mind control now?

- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

Well, I hope you all
have a heavenly day.

- That memo was fake, right?
- 100%.

Oh, I'm just gonna
double-check

that I am on the email list.

Nice job.

Yep, sometimes people
just need to hear the right lie

- to move on with their lives.
- Hmm.

But... but not with me.

That happened, right,
the dinner?

That wasn't just a lie
I needed to... hear?

Later.

Synchronized by srjanapala