Superstore (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 12 - Customer Satisfaction - full transcript

Produce shipment
coming in at 10:00.

And also, we have
a new district manager,

who is here and excited
to meet all of you.

He's not new.
It's Jeff.

Oh, come on.

I had "Eye of the Tiger"
queued up.

I was gonna do a whole thing.

You mean, run in
while "Eye of the Tiger"

- was playing?
- Guess you'll never know.

Anyway, hey, team.
Good to be back!

Wow, so congrats
on your promotion.



Or... getting your job back.

Either way, you look...

- welcome back.
- Thank you.

Yeah, I guess Zephra wanted
someone with experience.

They also wanted someone
who could handle,

oh, I don't know,
two districts.

Now, while I'm here,
I wanna make sure

we're pushing our shoppers
to fill out

their customer satisfaction
surveys.

Sorry, what surveys?

The... link at the bottom
of every receipt?

Huh. Is that new?

No. Been there for years.

Nobody bothers
with the surveys.



People only use receipts
to spit out gum

and for murder alibis.

Okay, well, Zephra's looking

at the scores a
nd the comments,

so it's important that
you get positive feedback.

Especially this store.

What's that supposed to mean?

There's been some chatter

that 1217 is
a "problem child" store.

- What?
- I mean,

you did damage
the store's servers,

there's
the raccoon infestation,

there's Carol's lawsuit,
not to mention

the multiple attempts
at unionizing.

Well, yeah, of course
it's gonna sound bad

when you just rattle them off
in a row like that.

But if you interspersed them
with good things we've done

or just, you know,
random trivia...

How do we get
positive feedback?

Because after church
and the bus,

this is the place
I get yelled at the most.

The key is
a personal connection.

Customers eat that up,
especially moms.

You guys get a mom,
you send her my way.

I'm gonna get you that
positive feedback, guaranteed.

Ew. You're gonna sleep
with all the moms

- to get a good survey?
- No! What?

- Jonah, please.
- Let's keep it clean.

Glenn, we actually
legally can't tell Jonah

who not to sleep with,
so if you're gonna have sex

with the moms,
just do it on your break.

I'm not...

F-fine.

*SUPERSTORE*
Season 06 Episode 12

Episode Title: "Customer Satisfaction"
Aired on: March 11, 2021

Dang, you guys are
probably thinking,

"Oh, man, if Zephra thinks
the store's a problem,

"then they're gonna think
we're a problem.

"Then they're gonna fire us,

and then, we're never
gonna work in retail again."

Oh, my bad.

Were you not thinking that?

Oh, my God.
She's right.

Zephra just fired Gil Richelieu
from Kirkwood.

He was manager there
for 15 years,

and then, one bad
safety report, and he's out.

He gives massages
at the airport now.

Ew. Which terminal?

Two.

There is no way in hell
I am working at Terminal Two,

so we need to push
these surveys hard.

Not one customer leaves
without taking one.

They'll die
before I let them leave,

unless they really
need to go,

in which case,
I'll completely understand!

Cheyenne, you can monitor
the surveys on the app.

If one of our people gets
even one bad review,

I want you to pull them off
the floor as fast as you can.

- And shave them?
- What?

Like shave their head
to shave them

so they know
they did something bad?

No, just reassign them
to the back.

Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry.
It just wasn't clear.

So you just go on your phone.

Uh, this survey's
not on my phone.

Just open
an internet browser.

No.

Okay, I guess I can.

Um, what's your passcode?

Oh, it's
my grandson's birthday.

Okay, so...

October, or...

Excuse me, ma'am.

We're doing a customer survey.

- Do you have time to tell us...
- Time?

I work two jobs and have
three little ones at home.

Do you think I have time?

Uh, no.

I do the shopping
and the cleaning

and make dinner.

Tell me, do I have time
to take a survey?

No! You're so busy.

And do you think
Richard notices?

No, he doesn't!

Oh, you're getting a call.

Oh, you can just answer it.

Okay...

Hello?

It's your dentist's office.

They wanna confirm
for tomorrow.

Oh, tomorrow is no good.

- Okay.
- Um, he'd like to reschedule.

Yeah, well,
I'll send you some recipes.

Your grandma is gonna be
changing her tune

about tahini in no time.

Oh, and if you don't mind,

fill out this survey
at the bottom of the receipt

and let Cloud 9 know
about your experience.

Buh-bye.

Uh-oh!
Two packs of Nutter Butters?

Someone's got a case
of the nom-nom-noms.

So again,
it's out of five stars,

five meaning
I helped you a lot today.

Are you sure
you wanna go with two?

Let's go with one.

So we haven't set
a specific timeline

on getting engaged,

but it's probably
gonna happen pretty soon.

I feel like you only asked me
how I'm doing

so you can talk
about your thing, but cool.

I just always pictured us
walking by a street performer,

and they'd stop us and say,
"You guys are the most

"beautiful couple
I've ever seen.

Can I play for you?"

And we'd be like, "Oh, my God.
Are you Michael Bublé?"

And then, he'd play
while I got down on one knee

and... But
you know, with COVID...

Yeah, I bet Bublé is bummed

he can't be a part of that.

Well, still,
it's gonna be, like,

- the best proposal ever, so...
- Proposal?

Someone getting married?

Uh, yeah...

Uh, Garrett's proposing.

- To his girlfriend. Doreen.
- What?

Garrett, why didn't you
call me, man?

Yeah, sorry.

Probably 'cause I've
never called you before.

- Yeah, I know.
- What's up with that?

Anyway, congrats!

I have a jeweler
you should definitely talk to.

He hit me with his car,
so he owes me a favor.

Let me get you
his business card.

It's in my attaché.

Hmm.

- Dude, what was that?
- Sorry.

But don't you remember
when he found out

Eric and I were just dating?

He flipped out!

Also, I'm on a journey
of growth and maturity,

and I don't need
to flaunt my relationship

- in my ex's face.
- Yeah.

Plus, in my mind,
Doreen is super hot.

You should see
what I'm picturing.

It's almost like,
"Is she too hot for Garrett?"

So we've gotten
some customer reviews in,

and I just have to say,

everyone is doing
an amazing job.

But also, some of you are not,

so I'll be pulling some of you
off the floor

and putting you
on a special assignment.

Like, just away
from human interaction.

Uh, but again,
amazing job, everyone.

Hootie-hoo!

So the people I'll be pulling
will be Justine,

Dan, Sandra,

uh, Taylor, Earl,

and Jonah.

And Jonah, what?

You started a new sentence
with, "And Jonah..."

Oh. Oh, no. Sorry.

I was just finishing my list
of the bad people.

- No. What?
- No, that's... no.

Check the list again.

Well, she made the list, so
she probably knows who's on it.

- Yeah, Jonah.
- She's not gonna check it twice.

She's not Santa Claus.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Some people just thought
that you talked too much.

Like, way too much, actually.

One lady said that
you accused her of having

- "nom-nom-noms."
- Oof!

They don't like it when you
comment on what they eat, bro.

- I was being friendly.
- This is ridiculous.

I don't belong with this group.
I have people skills.

Not saying you guys don't,
but...

kinda.

How are we still
only averaging two stars?

We've only got
one five-star review.

"The store was completely
out of baby wipes,

but an employee ran to the back
and found the last box for me."

Elias. He's always hoarding
wipes in the back for himself.

I've begged his wife
to get a bidet.

But don't you think
it's weird

that he got five stars
for that?

I guess
it kind of makes sense.

I mean, the customer had
an issue,

and the employee went above
and beyond to solve it.

I think that makes more
of an impression

than when everything's
just fine.

Huh.

We need to start making
problems for our customers.

What?

We cause the problems
so that we can swoop in,

solve them,
and get a higher score.

'Cause problems
for our customers?

Come on. Isn't that
how Stalin got his start?

- Yeah, you're right.
- We should probably just,

take the I, let Jeff
fire us in disgrace,

see if Hudson News
has any openings.

All right. Let's do it.

I guess. I think.

So you see
all these boxes here?

We need you to move them
over there.

Oh, man. I hope we can
get this done in time.

- In time for what?
- This is just busy work.

It's not busy work.

It's work that this group of
people will excel at doing.

All right.
So good luck!

Don't talk to anyone.
Good luck!

Wait, so what kind
of problems are we supposed

to be making
for the customers?

Like, "you guys are out
of cheese" problems,

or, "oh, my God, my baby
was stolen" problems?

So we're supposed to stash
a bunch of stolen babies

- in the back?
- Gross.

Well, actually,
I don't think it's that gross.

Wait, do I want kids?

Isn't this a lot of work

for just a couple extra stars
on a survey?

If we don't get our score up,
Glenn and I could be fired.

And then do you know who's gonna
be in charge of you guys?

Who's gonna be around
all the time?

- Jeff.
- Yo, everyone,

take this seriously
'cause I'm not pretending

to have a fiancée
for more than one day.

But messing up is
against my nature.

I wouldn't even know
where to start.

Well, we got the baby thing.

Oh, God, I wish I'd said no
to the baby thing earlier.

Now, it's getting
so much traction.

Okay, guys, it's simple.

Hide popular items in the back.

Then, when people ask for them,
you can "find the last one."

Take away the shopping baskets,

but offer to carry their stuff
for them.

Let's also shut down
the customer bathrooms.

We'll let them use
the employee bathroom,

and they'll feel like kings.

- Oh, I'll do it.
- Linchpin of the operation.

In your face, Garrett!

- Oh, man. Really?
- No pizza?

Yup, that's
what we're saying.

But can I offer you

a free hot dog as an apology?

- Yeah, thank you.
- I really appreciate that.

- You do?
- Yeah, thanks so much.

That's great, 'cause
we really are out of pizza.

There's no dough,
there's no sauce.

No Italians in sight.

Hey, don't forget to put that
on your customer survey!

Girl, it is your lucky day.
I had to dig and dig

through the back, but
I found the last one for you.

Thanks.

- Oh, sorry.
- Bathroom's closed.

But you're gonna love
the employee bathroom.

Come on. I'll show ya.
I gotta dump one out too.

Oh, so I'm digging
and digging,

and then, all of a sudden,
the whole shelf falls.

And I'm like,
"Not today, shelf."

And I dive out of the way.

Anyway, I got you
the very last one.

- Wow... shoot.
- I actually need two.

Oh, you know what?

I think I saw another one
back there.

Say one too many things
about tahini,

and you're just thrown
back here like you're nothing.

This wouldn't be happening
if the customers

could see my whole face,
you know?

The top half raises questions,

but the bottom half
answers them all.

Hey, don't get down
on yourself.

So we got put in the back.

It doesn't mean
we're worthless.

- No, I know. You're right.
- I just...

It just means
we're back of house people.

Strong, silent,
shadow people.

The rejects.
The freaks.

Well, I wouldn't say freaks
specifically...

♪ He's a super freak

♪ Super freak,
he's super freaky ♪

Thank you.

♪ Do, do-do-do,
do-do, do-do ♪

- Okay. Yeah.
- No, I know the song.

Hey, dude, I just got off
a 45-minute phone call

with Jeff and his jeweler,
and they were really judgmental

because I don't know the size
of Doreen's ring finger.

- I'm sorry.
- It's just for one day.

Oh, and ring size is easy.

You just take a ring
they already have,

and slip it on
to a tapered candle...

She's not real!

Can't you just come clean
and get him off my back?

I wish I could,
but I think the mature,

healthy thing for me to do...
is to avoid him.

Hi. Can I help you
with something?

Actually, yeah.

I'm trying to choose between
a ribeye and a sirloin steak.

I'm having dinner
with my tree guy.

Any recommendations?

Well, you're gonna get
a richer flavor

from the marbling
on the ribeye,

so if it were me,
I'd go with that.

- Awesome. Thanks.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, hey. Sorry.
Really quick.

Um, I wasn't too much just now,
was I?

You know, like,
if you were writing a review,

you would say that I...

I belong around, uh, people?

Uh, I... uh...

- I don't... I don't know.
- Hey. No, no, no.

Hey. No, it's okay.
Don't be weird, okay?

Just don't tell anybody
about this, okay...

Jonah, you're not supposed to
be out here near the customers.

- But I was good!
- I was so good

until the last part.
Tell her.

I'm so sorry about him.

Sir, I'll make sure
he doesn't get back out again.

- No, Cheyenne...
- I just wanted

- to buy a ribeye.
- Oh, come on!

You didn't know
what you wanted until me!

You were lost!
I'm fine...

♪ Eeny, meeny, miney, mo

♪ Which free hot dog
gets to go ♪

What are you doing?

Picking which one
to give out next.

You have to have a system.

Hey, I just checked
the numbers.

Your score went up.
You're even beating Fenton.

Keep it up!

- We did it!
- You hear that?

- We freakin' did it.
- It worked!

Sorry, Fenton, guess
you're gonna have to stick

to your other distinction...

Most prostitutes killed
in your parking lot.

Yeah, they can't fire us now.

Dina, I got to admit,
you were right.

I mean, he's the one
buying steak from a Cloud 9,

so he's the crazy one here.

He's the one who should be
in the back of...

wherever he works.

Jonah, we're trying to work.

Why don't you
sneak back on the floor

since you obviously think
you're better than this?

No, no. I don't think
I'm better than this, okay?

I think we all are.

You know, none of us
are freaks,

or... or shadow people...

Jesus, Dan!
How long were you...

My point is, our time

and our skills
shouldn't be wasted.

In fact, let's get out of here.

Let's go outside
and enjoy the day.

Let's value our own worth
and take the day back!

- You know what?
- You're right.

- I can do more than move boxes.
- Yes, Justine!

I can be the lead singer
of the coolest band there is,

and I'm the only white one,
and everyone else is Korean.

Yeah, so let's start
with going outside,

and then, we'll see
where we land.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

You know, I bet they
officially congratulate us.

Maybe even something laminated.

Oh, that baby's going
right on the wall

next to asbestos warning,
for sure.

Yeah. Whoops.

There's a little spill.

Huh.

What the hell did you do?

You said to shut down
the bathrooms,

so I clogged the toilets
with a bunch of salami

- and shot glasses.
- I meant, like,

hang an "out of order" sign
on the door!

Okay, yeah, well, I wish
you would've just said that.

Oh, my God,
is this pee-pee water?

Am I gonna get hepatitis?

I knew this was gonna come
back to pinch us in the butt.

- Hold on.
- I think I can fix this.

No. My bad.

- Made it worse.
- Hey, guys.

There's a bunch of water
in the hallway.

- Yeah, we're aware.
- It's pee-pee water!

- You could get hep!
- Oh, my God!

No one is going
to get hepatitis.

I am... almost sure of it.

We got this.

We'll shut down the water,

and we just have to keep Jeff
from seeing this,

so someone needs
to distract him.

Oh, I think Mateo's
the right man for the job.

No. My journey...

- Mateo it is.
- Now, everybody go!

Wait, let me just try
one more thing.

Do not flush that toilet
again.

Ah...

Oh, if we could
just find an opening,

I'm pretty sure I could
just suck out the clog.

- "Super absorbent"?
- Yeah, right!

Okay, listen, we're gonna need
the big beach towels.

They're seasonal.

We don't get them
till next month.

We can't let more water
get out on the floor.

- Move!
- Ugh! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Glenn, don't get it
in your mouth!

- Is it working?
- No, it's not working!

Hey, Jeff.

I just realized
we need to catch up.

So how are you?
How are things?

- How are the Subarus?
- Good.

Really good.
Everything's good.

I started a gratitude journal.

Oh, well, and, of course,
there's the new guy.

Oh... new guy.

Huh, look at you.

New guy.

Let's talk more about that.

Well, his name is Trevor,

and believe me,
he lives up to it.

And let's just say,

he likey the Jeff.
Check it out.

Oh, there he is.

Just in a towel.

You should buy him some clothes
if you like him so much.

No, I see it. Yeah.

Attention, shoppers,

we're aware of the water
on the floor,

and it's being taken care of.

We apologize
for any inconvenience,

and would like to offer you
a free hot dog...

not from the café,

but a pack from grocery.

They are technically cooked,

so you can just eat them
right out of the bag.

- No, no. You're right.
- I mean, why not?

You know, a year from now,

we're all gonna be
on a cruise together.

We have to.

- Puerto Vallarta, baby.
- Alaska.

Aurora borealis.
The colors just dance.

It's like the sky's
painting you a poem.

Earl, that's beautiful.

See? We're good out
here, guys.

Has anyone tried
the orange flavor?

It's like nothing
I could've imagined.

Ah, this is great.

I mean, why waste our day
in there

when we're not
even needed?

♪ Over and over

♪ And over again, my friend

♪ Ah, you don't believe

♪ We're on the eve of

Well, Trevor is like...

Hmm, how can I put this
so you'll understand?

It's like if you took all
the best traits of the Avengers

and put them into one person.

I actually
don't understand that

because I don't watch
nerd movies, but congrats.

Yeah, I guess I'm just

the happiest I've ever been.

I mean, and I wish that
for you, you know I do.

Maybe you can get there
one day.

I'm already there, okay?

You don't have
to wish me anything

because I'm the one proposing,
not Garrett.

Eric and I are happier
than you and Trevor.

I'm ahead.
You're behind.

You're the one proposing?

Yeah, so we beat
you and Trevor...

There is no me and Trevor,
okay?

I went out with him once,

and he hasn't called me
in like five weeks!

- Oh, this makes sense now.
- I just wanted everybody

to think old Jeff
has still got it, you know?

I mean, I-I cannot believe
I did this.

I am pathetic!

Just pathetic...

Wait. Hey. No.

You're not pathetic.

Who covers two districts, huh?
Not me.

You have a lot to offer.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

I know things didn't work out
between us,

but you were
a really good boyfriend.

And honestly,
I don't know anyone

who takes better care
of their Subarus.

Thanks, Mateo.

What is that?

- Is that water?
- What?

Ugh! Is this working?

- Of course not!
- Go faster!

What the ****?

Are you kidding me?

I mean, what the **** is
wrong with this **** store?

- Oh, my God.
- What happened here?

Jeff, did you do this?

♪

- The whole store was flooded?
- Yeah.

It was nuts, and, like,
a ton of used needles

washed out from under a shelf.

Something's been going down
in Housewares.

Okay, well,
we're back and I'm ready,

so what else needs to be done?
Let's get this crew on it.

There's not really anything
left to do.

Most of it's already been done.

I mean, I was calling you guys
for a while.

- Where were you?
- Uh, well, we...

we were on a break

because we deserved one today.

Jonah made us go outside
and relax.

- We didn't wanna do it.
- You came alive out there,

Justine.
Don't lie.

Well, did you at least finish
the special assignment?

That was just a bunch
of busy work.

Yeah, but if you didn't move
those boxes onto the shelves,

then they were probably damaged
in the flood.

And that was, like,
all new Zephra products,

- so that's, like, really bad.
- Damn it, Jonah!

I knew we should've
finished the work,

but you led us astray with
your exotic flavored waters.

I just wanted you
to understand

- that we are all better...
- That's the thing.

I'm not better than the work.

I'm a shadow person.
And I like it!

- Okay, yeah.
- No, yeah, I get it, so...

so yeah, we'll get back there
and assess the...

No. You know what?

You're not wanted in the back.

Oh, my God, did you see me
almost follow her?

Like, I literally took a step.

So the store will be closed
for a few days

to repair all the water damage.

That's not good
for quarterly numbers!

Not to mention all the customer
complaints we're getting

about being splashed
with "pee-pee water."

And most are negative!
Some people were into it.

Mm. What a mess, huh?

We don't even really know
what happened,

but it did start
in the customer bathroom,

so talk to them
about their diet, I guess?

So I should tell corporate
that their plumbing got wrecked

because a customer ate
and pooped out a whole salami

and a complete set
of shot glasses?

Hey, things can
come out of your butt

that didn't start
in your mouth.

Glenn, you backing this up?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's what I always say.

Fine. Okay.

This store...

My boyfriend, Trevor, is not
gonna believe the day I've had.

Sync corrections by srjanapala

- Fake boyfriend?
- Oh, 100%.

Yeah.