Superstore (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Forced Hire - full transcript

Hey, Rodriguez. Good news.

I was going over the harassment policy.

Turns out there's
nothing in there about nerds.

We can do whatever we want to them.

Well, I'm not really dying

to harass some nerds.

Oh, no, neither am I.
I'm just saying we have options.

Oh, God, you've gotta be kidding me.

Okay, don't look over now.
I'm gonna need you

to look over, but don't
be obvious about it, okay?

Don't look now. Look back at me.



All right, okay. Ready?

Look now. Wait, not now!

Dina, what are you talking about?

Okay, you know Colleen
from the Bel-Ridge store?

The one who sucks and is like if Satan

and a turd had a baby?
She just walked in.

Mm-hmm, yeah. Um...

But your little rivalry
thing is just kind of fun

and friendly competition, right?

No, Amy. I hate her with the fire

of a thousand suns.
Frankly, I'd like her dead.

- Oh.
- Shh... she's coming this way.

God, I wish I could
dropkick her dumb head.

Colleen, hi!



Oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you.

[whispering] Vomit.

I am so sorry to hear
about Bel-Ridge closing.

Ugh, who knows why these things happen?

Thanks, Deener. I appreciate that.

So whatcha doing here? You just pop in

on your way to the unemployment office?

[laughs] Well, actually, uh...

Fun surprise.

Colleen has been transferred to here.

That... is a fun surprise.

[upbeat music]

♪

Colleen Wisniewski! In my store.

Why didn't you tell me?

I thought maybe you'd
overreact a little bit.

Oh, I'm overreacting a lot.
This will not stand!

You have to fire her.
She calls me "Deener," Amy.

- Deener.
- Look, my hands are tied.

She's been with
the company a long time.

Corporate wanted to relocate her.

Besides, we kind of had
something to do with

the closing of Bel-Ridge,

so maybe we should
just be cool with it.

What and then just
let Colleen be Colleen?

I don't wanna be
on that side of history.

If you don't get her
out of here, I will.

No, Dina, no. You will not.

[clears throat]

Or I will be forced to write you up.

- Really?
- In front of Colleen.

You wouldn't.

- Try me.
- What is this?

Is this... is this you being firm?

[clears throat]

Oh, you're back.

Well, I'm wearing
your vest and I'm keeping it

'cause it fits me better.

No, I'm just visiting.
I may not be able to work here,

but they can't stop me
from seeing my friends

and using their employee discount.

So you have to wear
that thing all the time?

[groans] It's the worst.

I have to charge it every eight hours,

and of course they had
to put it on my cute ankle.

My mom's ex-boyfriend Dustin

had one of those, but he took it off.

How? They're, like, indestructible.

Well, he was 400 pounds when he got it,

but then he got a parasite from a lake.

Maybe something like this
for our centerpieces?

But with basil in it 'cause
Jerry loves Italian food.

I wish you were having a gay wedding.

I've never been to a gay wedding.

Oh, you should have a shrimp tower

because I've heard at some weddings

they don't have enough shrimp,
and some...

some people get upset.

Okay, these are all great points,

just not for a union meeting,

which this was actually supposed to be.

So have you guys set a date yet?

Almost. It's either gonna be

the anniversary of our first kiss

or whatever the cheapest option is.

You know, Sandra, you seem to
have a lot going on right now

and I'm wondering if maybe
I should take the reins

on this whole union thing
for a little bit.

Yes, thank you.

I'm doing a lot of
wedding planning this week

and also I'm going through all
the "Fast & Furious" movies,

so I have a lot on my plate.

Got it. Yeah.

Here are the signed cards

and, FYI, the warehouse
guys took theirs back.

Wait, what? Why?

I don't know, but Rico
has beautiful penmanship.

He agreed to do all of my invitations.

[sighing happily]

♪ Why in the world would
anybody put chains on me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

I guess I should've
pushed back more when

corporate made me hire
her, but I just thought

Dina hated her like, "I hate Mondays."

But no, she wants
to follow Monday home,

blockade the door,
and burn the house down

with Monday still inside.

Well, I mean I can see
where Dina is coming from.

Who wouldn't hate that person?

Well, at least I put my foot down.

Dina is not going
to be messing with her.

Hopefully. How was the union meeting?

Well, uh, we learned
that Sandra is walking

down the aisle to "The Hamster Dance."

Oh, and all the warehouse guys are out.

Wait, what? How are we gonna get any

of the other stores to commit
if we can't get our own people?

Don't worry, I'm on it.
I'll... I'll talk to them,

get 'em back on board.

Oh.

You know, I would never
usually recommend this,

but you should talk to Marcus.
I don't know,

for some reason they listen to him.

I think it's 'cause he's tall.

Is he tall?

I guess I just never
thought of us as tall...

Aww.

[groans] God, this sucks.

I just feel so useless.

And not like the way
most people here are useless.

I just mean, like, no purpose.

Well, I could use your help
with this quilt right now.

I can't get it smooth.

Okay, you can't grapple
with it once it's down.

You have to do the loft-and-fold.

- What?
- Yeah.

Just loft...

[gasps]

And then we fold this...

Wow! Get this guy into my bedroom.

- Thank you.
- You bet.

Aww, did you see his face
when he helped you?

Makes sense. He loves being better

at stuff than people.

[phone ringing] Oh, crap.

- My phone's in there.
- Oh.

I don't know, man. The guys
got pretty spooked by the raid.

Who knows what corporate
would do if we unionize?

Yeah, well, but we... we really
need the numbers, and I...

And I-I just thought maybe...

maybe you could talk to them?

If you're... if you're worried
about what to say,

we could go over some talking
points together, you know.

Hold up... together?

As in, you and me?

Yeah, just, you know, just
quickly to go over what to say.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We hang out, chopping it up,

bro by bro. Then I go back in,

get the guys back on board,
we go celebrate for dinner.

Right, great.
And then, yeah, that's the end.

Or the beginning of a great friendship.

You know, I... I feel like we could

get this done pretty quickly.

Do you... do you have a minute now?

I don't know.

I mean, we have a lot
of ground to cover.

We should probably block out
a big chunk of time.

- Oh.
- Say, lunch?

[stammers] Yeah, okay, sure. Lunch.

Yes! The Horsemen ride again.

Meet me at my car.

I'll put together a playlist.

You can put on some more
comfortable clothes...

- Probably just wear this.
- Ah, it's perfect.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

Just a reminder about our
emotional support snake policy.

We don't have one,
so please do not bring your...

You know how I said
there's no way I will ever

forgive you for
what happened to my birds?

Well, guess what? There is a way.

I need you to make Colleen
quit because I hate her.

Okay, so you hate
Colleen, you hate me...

- How many enemies do you have?
- 37.

36, and then my bitch
neighbor had a baby.

All right, look, Dina,
I don't have any beef

with this woman
and I don't know how you'd

go about making someone quit.

Well, you managed
to make my birds quit living.

I'm sure you can figure something out.

Just get her out of here

and make sure I'm not tied to it at all

and I'll stop doing things like this.

That was Elias's.

Oh, well, that's fine.

Elias is also on my list.

Oh, Mateo, thank God you're here.

I can't get these shirts to lie flat.

How do you do it again?

Okay, so just...
anchor it with your thumb

and pull it taut.

Do the same thing
on the other side, like so.

One-third, two-thirds, there.

Thin as prosciutto.

Amazing. You're so helpful.

Okay, I know what you're doing, Chey...

and thank you.

Oh, hey, Mateo, I didn't see you there.

Hey, am I doing this right?

- Glen...
- 'cause I-I just... I thought

they were supposed
to go on their sides...

Glen, let me help... Glen!

Oh, hey, uh...

- Colleen, right?
- Yeah, Colleen.

The one whose locker you were just in.

Oh, that's... [chuckles]

That's your locker.
I thought it was mine.

No, yours is the one
next to you that says "Garrett"

with the "Neon Genesis" sticker.

- Oh, anime fan?
- Mm-hmm.

Also a fan of my locker.

Sure, oh... you're gonna
head in there right now?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, of course.

- Your locker, go for it.
- Oh!

I, um...

I put a bunch of fish in your locker.

Mm-hmm, yeah, I can see that.

Still haven't gotten
these doors replaced, huh?

If it's good enough

for the United States Postal Service,

it's good enough for me.

All right. Yeah.

Chicken adobo?
Mateo's aunt made it for me.

Has that just been
sitting in your car all day?

Yeah, boy! It's already warm.

No need to microwave.

So, talking points.

When you talk to the guys about
health care, I was thinking...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude.
You can't just tell me

what to say and then I go and I say it.

Really? I thought we might try that.

No, you gotta find
my voice, so when I say it,

it sounds natural. And that means...

a little getting to know you period.

Okay, great. Uh, totally.

So, what should I know?

Well, for starters,
do you like this song?

[rock music]

- Yeah... yes?
- Noice!

Dude, that's my band.

It's actually just me right now,

but we're looking
to fill out the lineup.

Or... maybe we're not looking anymore?

Why, exactly, would you
put fish in Colleen's locker?

Because... I'm a bully

and I think this totally nice

and friendly lady

should... quit.

You think that, do you?

Not cool, Garrett.
She's a member of our family.

Colleen, I'm so sorry
this happened to you.

It's really no big deal.
I was just looking

for some Lysol because
the fish smell is escalating.

No, it is a big deal

and frankly, he needs to be punished.

I'm putting you on freezer duty.

I don't know what freezer duty is.

Whatever, just go get in the freezer.

Okay.

I'm so sorry, Colleen.
I really hope Garrett

doesn't do anything like this again.

So do I, but honestly

this probably won't be the last time

and it probably won't be the most fish.

It will be the last time.

Aw, Sandra. [Chuckles]

Can't believe they got you in on this.

- Huh?
- Oh, this is so stupid.

I mean, it's so bland.

Like you've got the same
color next to each other.

Nothing's accessorized.

[groans] It looks like a baby did this.

You guys, Sandra? This is too much.

I... I did my best.

Oh, it's okay. I've got this.

Hey, Sandra, we were...

Hey, um, Mateo? We didn't really...

You guys, um, this is the nicest thing

anyone's ever done for me.

And the fact that you got everyone
in the store in on it... I...

I can't even.

Well, yeah, we'd do
anything for you, Mateo.

Anything you think we did.

Attention, shoppers,
we have a sale today

in our pets department,
two for one goldfish.

In sporting goods,
fishing rods are fishy percent off.

I think that's supposed to be 50.

And finally...

Come to customer service
to get your pound

of locker fish from me,
Garrett the Fish McFish.

Have a heavenly day.

Very funny.

You put fish in my locker, I
put fish in your announcements.

Fair enough.
I'm... I'm sorry about that.

Oh, it's no big deal.
I can handle rookie hazing.

And don't worry, I will get you
your dead fish back ASAP.

Well you know what,
those fish are yours to keep.

Aw, that's really generous.

- I have a big heart.
- I bet you do,

but I am very worried that
you might meet a hungry cat

and need the dead fish, so...

I should give you my number.

I guess you could do that.

- You have to fire Colleen.
- Garrett, I know

Dina put you up to this.

Yes, okay, Dina did put me up to that,

but that's not what this is about.

I think that there... I think
there might be something there.

Like... between the two of us.

How? You just met.

She likes anime, okay?
She made some jokes.

I don't... I don't have
a lot of boxes to check.

God... no, no, no. That can't happen.

Dina would lose her mind.
That would be bad for me,

bad for the store, bad for everybody.

Okay, well, yeah, I-I agree.

That's why you need to do something.

Can't you just transfer her
to another store?

I mean, I guess I could call around,

but it's not like there's
that many empty spots.

In the meantime, can you
just not sleep with her?

I... wish I could promise you that,

but I couldn't stop myself
from sleeping with Dina

after I killed her birds.

Are you seriously
saying you can't promise

to not sleep with
one of your coworkers?

That's... that's pretty
much what I'm saying.

I don't care what they said.
You are beautiful,

you are sexy, and any guy would kill

for a night alone with you.

All right, Mom, I gotta bounce.

Say bye to Jonah.

Bye, Mrs. White.
It was nice to meet you.

This whole hour has just flown by.

Fish in the locker?

What kind of bush-league crap is that?

Well, I didn't put
a lot of thought in it

because I didn't want to do it.

Okay, you're gonna need some help,

so I'm willing to let you borrow this.

Dina, you still have that bag of meth?

We talked about this.
You gotta turn that in.

Then what would
I do in situations like this

when I need a bag of meth?

Okay, so, you're talking
to Colleen, you casually...

drop it at her feet.

I bring Amy by and, "Oh, Colleen",

did this just fall out of your pocket?"

And she's all, "What? That's not..."

and Amy's like,
"Bup, bup, bup, Colleen.

"I don't wanna hear it. You're fired.

And on your way out, give
that bag of meth back to Dina."

All right, look.
Dina, I wanna help you out,

but this is a little extreme.

You know, most reasonable people

would expect one deed
of penance per dead bird,

and here I am very generously
offering you a package deal.

All you have to do
is plant some illegal drugs

on an innocent, but terrible woman.

It's supposed to be a pyramid.

I think you, of all people,
could handle that.

- I'm Syrian, not Egyptian.
- Clearly.

Don't mind me... just
making it not look like crap.

Labels out.

Thank you.

Sorry, she's not usually this bad.

- [gasps]
- Heavy stuff

goes in the bottom...

because of gravity.

Well, I mean there's always the option

of not hooking up with Colleen.

Yeah, see, that just doesn't
make any sense to me.

I...

J-bone! There you are, buddy.

All right, I am ready to talk union.

I was thinking we
could do it over some hoops.

Maybe some one-on-one, a little Horse,

or just, like, run some passing drills?

Uh, you know what,
as... as much as I'd like to, um,

to hoop with you, I gotta...

Garrett needs me to help with the...

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, yeah, the... you know,

the... the...
the announcement that you...

Already did it, man.
You're good to go... hoop it up.

- Oh... great, thanks, friend.
- Anytime, buddy.

Nice, let's do it! Shirts versus skins.

I'm wearing a shirt, so...
Okay, you know what, Marcus,

no, I'm not doing this, okay?

I know I'm supposed to go through you,

but I'm just gonna go
in there and I'm gonna talk

to the warehouse guys myself.

You need me, okay?

These guys don't relate to you.

These guys don't listen to NPR

and eat Faberge eggs for breakfast.

- I would hope nobody...
- They respond to guys' guys.

You know, guys who
work with their hands,

who know how to grill a burger.

- Marcus...
- The kind of guys

who would chug a liter
of barbecue sauce just

- 'cause someone dared them to.
- I disagree, all right?

I think they are gonna
listen to reason.

You underestimate these guys.

I'm gonna go in there
and I'm not coming out until

every single one of them
signs these cards.

Okay, but you're gonna fail.

And I'll be there for you when
you do, 'cause we're friends.

Come on, Amy.
There's a very angry customer

and she only speaks Spanish, so, uh,

we need you to translate.
Get Cody to help.

My Spanish isn't even that good.

No, hers isn't either.
That's why it has to be you.

I'm sure she's here somewhere.

Oh, my God. These dogs in bathing suits

make me really uncomfortable.

Yeah, right? I mean, it's so weird.

They should be wearing more tops

'cause dogs have, like, ten nipples.

Oh, so you know zoology and math?

- Well...
- You know what,

get Cody to help,
or give her a free slushie.

Everyone speaks slushie.
I don't have time for this.

So, did you come over here to...

ask me out, maybe? Or...

are you just lurking, or...

Yeah, um, sure.

Did you want to get
some tacos after work?

- Yeah, I would.
- Okay.

All right, so, this turned into a date.

Uh, hey... uh, guys?

Guys... is it... is it all guys?

We should probably talk about
that, but, uh, another day.

So, look. I get that there are

probably some reservations
about this whole union thing,

you know, and yeah,
I don't seem like you,

you know, at first, because I'm more

booksmart or... not even,
not even smarter,

just... just like, um,
you know, better educated.

Or... not better...
gross, why would I...

- What are you saying?
- Uh, what I'm saying is,

I get that this is a little scary,

but what corporate is gonna
do if we don't do this

is even scarier, okay?

So, you know, you, you, you,

you're all at risk of
being replaced by machines.

So I'm good?

Uh, no, you're... you're at risk, too.

You didn't point at me.

Okay, the pointing was arbitrary.

All right, look,
a union is our best shot

at protecting our jobs.
Okay, so who's with me?

I don't know. Can we trust this guy?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

Guys, of course you can trust me, okay?

I'm... I'm... I'm a fighter.

You know, we are... we are the same.

We are the every man, you know?

I... you... and we... we share...

look, you wanna...
you wanna watch me, uh,

you wanna watch me chug this ranch?

I'm gonna slam this ranch.

Watch me slam this ranch!

Okay. Mmm...

[gulping]

He's in my band.

What do you mean you're
going on a date with her?

Well, it was either that
or plant crystal meth on her.

Okay, so in the whole world,
those were your two options?

It seemed like it at the time.

Well, guess what I just heard

from my dear friend Colleen?

You two are going out.

Well, it's true.
I'm going out with Colleen.

- [wheezes]
- Oh man, Garrett.

That is... messed up.

You're gonna go out
with Colleen to get her

to fall in love with you just
so you can break her heart?

Wait... what are you talking about?

Yeah. Yes, Amy,

that's what I'm doing.
I just felt so bad

for what I did to your
birds that I didn't think

getting Colleen
to quit was good enough.

Wait, so all of this
is just... a long con?

- Oh, yeah.
- I can't believe I fell for this.

Of course you're
not interested in Colleen.

No one is. This is really good.

All right, we gotta
make sure you win her over.

- Okay...
- And forget tacos.

You need to woo this woman.

I'll make a reservation
somewhere romantic

and I'll give them my credit card.
I mean, it's the least I can do

- since you're doing this for me.
- Oh, yeah, the least you could do.

- Can't believe you.
- Yeah.

I can't believe him either.

That's... totally...

insane.

Vendor, then item number, then delete.

Allison.

Uh, hey, Mateo.

Um, you know how you've
been helping everyone out...

like, a lot?

And you've really helped fill

that Mateo-sized hole in the store.

You guys, stop. I can't.

- What?
- It's too much.

Okay, at first it was sweet,

but now I'm just doing
everyone's jobs for them

and I'm not even getting paid.

You took advantage
of my greatest weakness...

my enormous heart.

Have fun, you two.

Get dessert.
Order a nice bottle of wine.

Splurge!

So, great news.

Crestwood's assistant manager
had a pallet dropped on her.

I mean, it's bad. She's gonna be fine.

She's getting a ton of money.
But I begged them

to take Colleen, and they said yes.

Wait, so Colleen's out of the store

and Garrett's gonna break her heart?

Mm-hmm.

This day just keeps
getting better and better.

Got the warehouse guys back
on board without Marcus's help.

- Oh, good.
- Yep, yep.

It turns out at the end of the day,

people just wanna connect

on a human level, you know?

Uh-huh. Uh, what's all over your shirt?

That is... a gallon of ranch.

I had to chug a gallon of r anch.

Is that, uh...

There it is.

- A bag of meth.
- Ah.