Superstore (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - Customer Safari - full transcript

It's just lunch. You're great at lunch.

You do it every day.

Yeah, but your family's gonna be there

and you know my eating style
isn't for everyone.

Is there a health
inspection or something?

- Your makeup looks nice.
- Oh, no, just a lunch.

Oh, good.

Your blouse is decent too, and I
didn't know what the hell was going on.

Well, Jonah's parents
and brother are in town,

so we're having lunch with them.

Thank you for the almost compliment.



My nerves feel soothed.

You have nothing to be nervous about.

My parents think you're great
and I'm sure Josh will too.

Which brother is Josh again?
I can't keep track of them all.

- I only have two.
- Really?

It feels like you grew up
talking over a large group.

Wait, isn't Josh the one
who threw that big party

in high school and then framed
your housekeeper for it?

Big mistake.

Anger the head maid, the whole
downstairs can turn on you.

One floor, one housekeeper.

My advice...
don't get lost in the siblings.

It's the parents you want to impress

if you're gonna inherit
all those servants.



Zero. Zero servants.

One would've been nice.

[upbeat music]

- A gecko?
- Yes.

It was just sitting on her
shoulder like a parrot... look.

I swear, we get the weirdest
customers at this store.

I just helped a dad
with three kids on leashes.

Were they triplets? Or just three kids?

'Cause in the world
of customer weirdness,

I'd put reptiles up here

and children in restraints down here.

But if we're talking multiples,
now I'm gonna need a photo.

Oh, okay.

Let me see if he's still
untangling them in housewares.

Mm-hmm.

Wow, you've thought about this a lot.

Yeah, well, in customer
service, you can get all kinds.

Yesterday, a lady came in

and complained about a sandwich
that she made at home.

Okay, hot nun, face tattoo,
stilettos and sweats.

Nun, tattoo, stilettos and sweats.

I just love the way your mind words.

Oh, Chile was great.

And they loved us down there.

You know, they expect
Americans to be fat slobs,

you know what I mean, but then...

Chile's never really called to me.

Too narrow.

Yeah, he prefers a girthier country.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.

Did you guys see the link
that I sent you?

Amy got her profile
on the Zephra website.

- They love her over there.
- Yeah, that's terrific.

We didn't actually get
a chance to read it yet.

Our printer's out of cartridges.

- Ah.
- But you have a screen...

Nah, it's a whole thing. Don't bother.

I gotta say, Amy,
we never thought any girl

would compare to Matilda
in his eyes, so...

- [laughter]
- Oh, who is Matilda?

- Irrelevant.
- Our Boston Terrier.

Lovely dog, really. Very regal.

Jonah was literally in love with her.
Like, romantically.

When I was seven, I said
I loved our dog so much

that I wanted to marry her.

[laughter]

- That's so cute.
- Thank you.

That's sick, though,
when you think about it.

Yeah, like, what would
you guys even do?

[phone vibrates]

Oh.

[sighs] It's the office.

I'm sorry for the jargon, Jonah.

An office is one of those
rooms with a desk in it.

People with careers
have them. How do I...

Oh, Amy, you have an office.

Maybe you can explain it to him.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure Jonah has
seen the inside of... okay.

So I told her, you know, "Don't worry."

"Jonah's parents are gonna love you.

But if they're paying,
don't fill up on bread."

Come on, this is
Amy we're talking about.

"Filled up on bread" is
gonna go on her gravestone.

- Yeah.
- Excuse me.

I need to speak
to the assistant manager.

Brian, what are you doing here?

Glenn, this is Dr. Brian Patterson,

veterinarian and boyfriend.

Yeah, no, I had a little
window of time open up today.

- Horse died early.
- Oh.

So yeah, thought I'd pop in
and surprise you.

Oh, I didn't know that
veterinarians use tongs.

Is that for handling dog guts?

Oh, no. Just salad.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Anyways, I missed you

and I thought maybe I'd see
if I could have a lunch date.

Well, I have a break in 15 minutes.

Okay, yeah... well, I will
get us a table at the café.

- Great.
- Okay, bye.

- Nice to meet you.
- Oh.

What is this? He's showing
up during work hours?

Is this, like, a test
or some kind of weird kink?

Okay, Dina, relax.
It's just a surprise date.

Enjoy this.

The beginning of a
relationship is the best part.

Yeah, I know. I know that.

Well, I thought you might not,

you know, 'cause this is
your first real...

I know romance, Glenn, okay?
I've seen "You've Got Mail."

40 minutes of it.
I was getting my tires rotated.

Point is romance equals
spontaneity plus fun.

- Mm-hmm.
- So how about this?

Huh? How's this for fun?

- Oh, I love it.
- You should let it all down.

Glenn, we're still at work,
not an opium den.

I did not notice that
the kids' leashes had

studded leather on them,
so that bumps it up some.

Did you see the gecko has
painted nails, though?

I did not.

I'm sorry, Cheyenne.
Gecko lady's weirder.

- Yes, I win.
- Whatever... lame.

What'd you win? I'll play.

Oh, no. It's not a game...

- I wanna play too.
- Guys, seriously, no games.

Amy's gone,

so it's up to us to be
responsible employees.

I'm kidding. Obviously we're
gonna make this a game.

"Customer Safari."

It's a $10 entrance fee,
and as you can see,

I got 35 categories on the board.

Why is "blowing nose in towels"

worth more than "juggalo"?

'Cause juggalos aren't as rare.

ICP just played St. Louis.

Yeah, it was fun. It's a real community.

Only one winner per category.

You see something, snap a pic,

submit it to me for verification.

Oh, and make sure
the customer doesn't see you.

For some reason,
privacy's hot right now.

Okay, so everybody's in.

That means the winner's
gonna get 200 bucks.

Oh, hell yeah.

I am gonna be so good at this game.

I'm constantly taking
creep shots of dads in parks.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

A lot of foam. Somebody didn't tilt.

So Josh, is he, like, in a bad mood...

He's a dick. Yeah, I'm sorry.

You were just so nervous
about today already,

I kind of bluffed about
how tolerable he is.

Okay, yeah, so he is a dick.

- And I can say that?
- Definitely.

- Good because he is a dick.
- [laughs]

Look, don't hold back on my account.

If you wanna fire back at him,
like, go for it.

Nah, I'm not stooping to his level.

It's better to take the high road.

Really? Come on, I can barely stand it.

And your parents, they're
just, like, laughing along.

I don't even see what
they like about him.

I mean, I get it...
he's their son or whatever.

But I would hate Parker
if he snapped his fingers

to get a bus boy's attention

or, like, got an innocent
housekeeper fired.

Actually, my parents don't
know about the Rita thing.

- What?
- Yeah.

Oh, well, bring that up.

It's not worth it.

I only see my family
a couple times a year.

Let's just get through the meal
and be the bigger people.

- [sighs]
- And then we can, you know,

talk trash about him
behind his back for weeks.

Okay, fine,

but this high road thing
looks better on Michelle Obama.

That's fair. Everything looks
better on Michelle Obama.

[hip-hop music]

Aggressively patriotic
T-shirt... oh, yeah.

"Love this land or I'll bury you in it"?

- Wow, 50 points.
- Yes.

♪

Disturbingly long nails. 15 points.

Ride it. Come on, ride it, you tease.

I only asked for one tuxedo kid, man.

15 points is all I can give you.

- Is this even a category?
- It's gotta be, right?

I love when you ask for it al dente

and it comes al dente.

- Both: Mm-hmm.
- Best feeling.

Wow, this is huge. I'm never
gonna be able to finish this.

Oh, come on, buddy. You can finish.

- It's not business school.
- [Laughs]

- Zing, Joshie.
- That's funny.

Also, you know, if a school isn't
the right fit for somebody...

It's fine. Do you want some bread?

- He's just teasing, sweetie.
- He's our little comedian.

- That's me.
- [Laughter]

Oh, hey, speaking of funny,
has Jonah ever told you

about the play that
he wrote in theater camp?

"The Architecture of Hope and Fear."

- Ugh.
- Yeah.

Let's just say it wasn't
bound for Broadway.

Yeah... oh, and don't forget
the heroine's name.

- Tell her, Jonah.
- Matilda.

- Matilda.
- Ew, the dog wife.

He never got over it.

Actually, Matilda had some
pretty steamy scenes in it.

- [laughter]
- It wasn't intentional.

I guess my subconscious
took the wheel there.

- I guess so.
- [Laughter]

But he didn't really
wanna marry the dog.

I mean, he was just a kid.
He said a weird thing.

Kids say weird things all the time.

- They made a show about it.
- Mm, yeah.

Have you seen the new one?

I really enjoy that Tiffany Hasheesh.

Oh, yes, she's marvelous.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- I said adult baby.

This is an adult with a baby.

Hey, do you guys know

why there's no one working checkouts?

Well, I heard something
about a big spill.

- Yeah?
- All hands on deck situation.

Guys, come on. I know what it's like

when the manager's away.

Yeah, you take a little
longer break, eat a hot dog,

turn all the screens
in electronics to MTV.

Yeah, well, I guess you got us.

- We're just a bunch of rebels.
- Aw, come on.

So tell me what's going on.

Oh, okay. Well...

And Sandra, you'd better confess

because I already asked Garrett,

and he sold you down the river.

When? We've been
together the entire time.

- Hmm?
- Yeah, Glenn.

If you wanna play us
against each other,

you have to separate us first.

Sandra, could I see you
outside or a minute?

I don't think so, Glenn.

- Garrett, could I see...
- Come on, man.

This is nice.

I'm really glad that you
came here unannounced

and now we are having
a completely unscheduled lunch.

- Yeah.
- Hope this hair isn't freaking you out.

No, not at all. I like it.

- Me too. Me too.
- Yeah.

It just kinda happened. Wasn't planned.

A bit spontaneous. [Chuckles]

Dibs on the steampunk
guy in electronics!

Wow, kind of a Friday
energy on a Thursday, huh?

- I love that.
- Yeah, same.

Same.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Glenn, you smell scared. What's up?

Not much. Everything's mostly great.

Just that something's up
with the employees.

I'm not sure what, but the good news is

is that it's very quickly
getting out of hand,

so it'll probably blow up
and be over soon.

Do I need to get involved?
It feels like I need to get involved.

No, no, no, go have lunch
with your boyfriend.

Go ahead. Don't worry, I've... I've...

I've got this.

- [sighs]
- Everything good?

Yeah, Glenn's got this
handled and, you know,

his mind and body are... fine.

Yeah. He seems great.

Totally. I just remembered,

I left all my felt tips uncapped

in the security office,
and those are just gonna be

drying out like crazy,
so I just need to go

and put the-the little
helmets on the soldiers.

Okay.

[smooth music playing]

K-Fai, What the hell?

I told you to make sure
no one took a pic of you

before I did.

Okay, he's hella sneaky.
I did not see him.

Wait, you're K-Fai?

Oh, my God, you're cheating.

You totally tried to stage
"clothes same shade as skin."

Shh! Yes, but only because
I, like, wanted to win.

Okay, I feel like if
Garrett knew about this,

he would totally kick
you out of the game,

but I'm your friend,
so I'm just gonna extort you.

[sighs] Fine. 50 bucks if I win?

Deal.

I'm Mateo, by the way.
I'm sure you've heard of me.

Uh, I-I've heard of Brett.

Okay.

Ooh, a passion fruit Bellini.

Should I order a carafe?

Oh, none for us.

I'm actually booze-free these days.

Plus, Kelce and I are off sugar, so...

Yeah, way more energy.

Yahoo actually says sugar
is extremely addictive.

Well, I mean, sugar is bad for you,

but it's actually not addictive.

- That's just a myth.
- Oh-oh-oh-oh.

Dr. Jonah's in the house.

That's so funny,
because I thought you lied

about going to med school
for three years,

But maybe I'm just mixed up.

Maybe after lunch you could do
some brain surgery on me.

I can do it.

Okay, high road. I got it.

Jalapeno margarita.

Do we think that's too spicy?

No, I've had it.
You'll love it, trust me.

Trust him, Mom, he only
deceived you for three years.

"Trust me, Mom, in med school."

"Trust me, Mom, Matilda
and I are just friends."

- [laughter]
- Now this jagoff?

Hey, man, real talk,
that med school lie was messed.

You broke Mom's heart.

Oh, are we doing real talk now?

No, no, they're doing real talk.

We're doing spicy margs.

It's just 'cause I happen
to know that Jonah is not

the only family member
who's lied to Marilyn.

Who else has lied?

Okay, I, uh... I may have told Amy

some family stuff that she...

They're talking about me.

Marilyn, I...

I started sleeping with Shelley again.

[gasps]

What?

I thought that was over.

It was, I swear.

Absolutely nothing happened for years.

I mean, she was a great
secretary and nothing more.

And then the holidays rolled around,

we had the holiday party,

and Shelley debuted
this new wig, and...

I just... I-I forgot myself.

Jesus, Dad.

I'm so sorry, this is
not at all what I was trying...

Jonah, how did you know?

Did I accidentally text you
instead of Shelley?

- Oh.
- Oh, no, was there a...

- a visual component?
- Oh, God.

No, Dad, no, I didn't know.

When Amy mentioned the lying,

she was talking about Josh and Rita.

- What?
- I...

I-I don't even know
what you're talking about.

Ah, come on. The house party, Rita.

Oh, yeah, I remember that,
she stained the rugs,

and then she filled up all
the vodka bottles with water,

and we found this strawberry
gelatin in the shower.

No, Dad, Josh and his
friends did all of that.

- Joshie wouldn't do that.
- No, I didn't.

Just a quick outsider's perspective.

A 60-year-old Colombian woman

doing gelatin shots in the shower

just seems kind of odd.

Okay, well, forget it.
It doesn't matter.

We obviously have more
important things that are...

Wait.

There were a ton of
empty liquor bottles

when I came home from Sam's wedding,

and my place was trashed.

You told me to fire my dog walker.

Kelce, it was the dog walker. Remember?

- I don't even drink.
- Okay.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Mom.

I just wanted to have a nice lunch

with my family. [Sighs]

- I should go talk to her.
- No. No, no, no, no.

- No, I really need to.
- No, you don't need to go.

I can't stop myself. I'm going.

Amy...

Listen, I'm-I'm really sorry.

I just got caught up
in the... in the felt tips.

Which are here.

Don't look for them, but they are here.

Look, Dina, if you're busy,

I can just take off.

[sighs] You know what?

- It might be for the best.
- [Sighs]

I'm just gonna come out and say this.

I'm new to the whole relationship thing,

and I know I'm supposed
to be like a free-wheeling,

pizza parlor roller girl,
but that's just...

it's-it's not me.

Oh, no, no, no, Dina. I'm the one
who showed up unannounced.

I totally get it,

and we can do lunch another time.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

Thank you.

Because something's going
on with the employees,

and I need to interrogate this suspect.

Oh, wow, you're not just
the assistant manager.

You're like a detective. That is cool.

Do you ever need any backup?

No, never work with a partner.

No, they're either dead
weight or they turn on you.

Oh, wait, you meant you.

- If that's okay.
- Oh, yeah!

- Yeah.
- Yeah, no, this is great.

Okay.

Hey.

How you doing?

Oh, I'm okay.

Richard and I survived
Shelley once before,

and we will do it again.

That's, uh, good.

- Yeah.
- But I am sorry

about how it all came to light.

I didn't mean to upset you or Kelci,

which, by the way,
how do we feel about her?

I like her... purse.

Yes, same. Me too.

Oh.

But, um, anyway, it's just that

Josh is really hard on Jonah,

and I was just getting
a little protective,

and I get it, that
the med school lie was nuts,

but, you know, it was one lie,

and it didn't hurt anybody,

because Jonah doesn't hurt people.

He's... he's good.

You really care for him. Hmm?

That's really nice.

Let's get back out there, hmm?

Sorry, I got caught up in the moment.

I actually really have to pee.

Hey, Sandra.

Just wanted to introduce you
to my boyfriend, Brian.

Brian the vet.

So nice to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.

Well, one thing I bet you haven't heard

is that I'm also a veterinarian.

That's right, you just said that.

Listen, I've got a vet
and you've got a messed-up cat.

Maybe we could help each other out,

'cause I need to know what's going on.

What's with all the phones
and the sneaking around?

Dina, please, I can't say.

I don't wanna get anyone in trouble.

Brett just let me
follow him on Instagram.

Okay, well, it's a shame
you won't help us

'cause this guy loves doing
feline lumpectomies.

And refresh my memory,
does Biscuit have lumps?

So many.

It's like holding a bag of marbles.

Well, I'd be happy to smooth
that cat out for you.

- Free of charge, of course.
- Of course.

Okay. Fine.

But I'm only giving you this.

White board, warehouse.

Secret photos, customers,

game, $200 prize.

But that's all I can say.

- I can't believe she left.
- Is she serious right now?

Not your fault, son.

Relationships are complicated.

[sighs] Actually, no.

Actually your relationships
are very simple.

Mom is crushed because
you cheated on her.

And Kelci dumped you
because you're a jackass.

- Jonah.
- I'm sorry, Dad, but it's true.

He's a liar and a mile-wide douche,

and I'm glad Kelci figured that out.

Honey, let me...

I'll be quick.

Amy and I just had
a lovely talk in the bathroom.

You know, what she and Jonah have

- is something really very special.
- [scoffs]

I deserve someone
who loves me like that.

- Look, Marilyn...
- We'll talk later.

Just letting you know, I want a divorce.

- [sighs]
- Oh, yummy.

The margs are here.

Wait, are we missing people?

I'm really sorry.

If I woulda just stuck to
the high road with you,

none of this would have happened.

[sighs] Honestly, I think it's good.

She should have left him years ago.

You mean, like, the first
time Shelley happened?

- Right around then, yeah.
- Yeah.

I called my brother
a douche to his face.

What? For real?

- Mm-hmm.
- And I missed it?

Mm-hmm, yeah, it was great.

Sometimes the low road gets you there.

Well, I am really proud of you.

And I know Matilda would be too.

He brings that up a lot. I'm sorry.

My take, he wants to bang the dog.

Classic projection.

I-I don't think...
I mean, none of us want to...

Anyway, she's dead.

Aww.

[smooth music playing]

[camera shutter clicking]

Did you just take my photo, you pervert?

No, I'm not a pervert
and you're not that cute.

It's for Customer Safari.

You're just "pet in baby carrier."

- Ah-ha!
- Ya stung!

This was a sting operation,

and you confessing that
means we can now

shut the whole thing down.

Actually, I coulda shut it down before,

but I thought this might be fun for you.

Well, you were right,
'cause I loved it.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- [pig squeals]
- both: Oh.

Game over, scrodes!

Yeah, scrodes!

Hi, uh, I'm Brian, by the way.

I'm Dina's boyfriend.

I met some of you, not everybody,

and this is not mine.

- Borrowed her from a client.
- We know everything.

Sorry, this guy tricked me
into taking a photo

of him and his stupid pig.

It's so cute though. Can I pet it?

- Yes.
- [squeals]

Oh, man, you guys,
Cheyenne really blew it.

Ugh, we're all so mad.

All right, Garrett,
give everyone their money back,

and then all of you get back to work.

But if anyone got VSCO Girl,
could you send that me?

I still don't know what that is.

♪ I'm all out of faith ♪

♪ This is how I feel ♪

♪ I'm cold and I am shamed ♪

- [sighs]
- [phone buzzes, chimes]

Oh, Amy, there you are.

Hey, Glenn, so sorry.

I think Zephra Corporate
just tried to call me.

Yeah, okay, real quick.
I don't want you to panic,

but there's some kind of
storewide game going on.

Now, I don't know what it is,
but I know that...

That's so great, Glenn. Keep it up.

Thank you. You're the best.

Okay. If it comes up
on the call, play dumb.

I'm sorry, what position
is this for exactly?

Director of Customer
Experience for Cloud 9.

For, like, all of them?
All the Cloud 9s?

Yep, it'd be at our
headquarters in Palo Alto.

Maya Fonseca at the Chicago office

gave you a glowing recommendation,

and we're holding interviews next week.

Oh, um... wow. Okay.

So are you interested?

[gentle music]