Superstore (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Playdate - full transcript
When Amy has to bring her baby to the store, she grows frustrated with criticisms of her parenting and Glenn enlists Jerusha to help; Garrett helps Dina plan her first date with her boyfriend; Sandra and Cheyenne hatch a conspiracy theory.
No, no.
It makes no sense
for you to run the meeting
when the former manager
is here.
I can do this
from muscle memory.
What are you talking about?
Your body has
literally no muscle.
- Now give me the clipboard.
- No.
- Give it to me!
- No.
- Glenn, come on.
- I will not.
- I order you to give to me.
- You order me?
- Yes, I do...
- Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
I don't take orders from you!
Um, no problem.
Just was running the meeting
for you...
We covered a lot of ground.
Parker's day care closed
at the last minute.
- Some kid had lice.
- Logan. Surprise, surprise.
So now Parker is here.
With his wet face, great.
Well, I mean, I didn't know
what else to do.
My parents are out of town,
and Eric's working,
and Adam's at a convention
learning how to do beekeeping.
Oh, if he wants bees,
I still got a ton in my car.
Okay, so, uh,
St. Patrick's Day. Right.
Today we have a new "Follow the
Rainbow to Savings" initiative.
Customers will follow
the clouds with rainbows
to find coupons.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
My ovaries are exploding.
It's like,
scrambled eggs, anyone?
- Oh, gross.
- Disgusting.
So Sarah, can you stock the...
Is it okay
to hold him like that?
He seems uncomfortable.
No, he's totally fine.
And this is a very standard way
to hold a child.
Maybe he's afraid of heights.
Put him on the floor.
You guys, he's good.
I promise.
Okay, Cheyenne, Sandra,
you're serving
our St. Patrick's Day
specialty snacks...
Amy, sorry to interrupt,
but I think some pooping
is happening your way.
Yeah, I know.
I'll change him soon.
Oh, okay.
We're just supposed to ignore
the human feces in the room.
She wants him to sit in it.
Teach him a lesson.
No, I'm just trying
to get through this.
All right, all right.
Come here, little buddy.
I got you.
Oh, my God.
Jonah's holding Amy's baby
like it's his baby.
I live with him, Sandra.
I hold him every day.
I'm literally
screaming right now.
*SUPERSTORE*
Season 05 Episode 18
Episode Title: "Playdate"
Aired on: March 19, 2020
Like, I get
the concept of babies.
I'm not even saying
don't have babies.
Like, have babies.
But do I have
to see the babies?
Mateo, could you
give me a hand?
It's a dating thing,
and you're the only person here
in a functional relationship.
Justine, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
Just because you send money
to a man in Ghana
does not make him
your boyfriend.
Relationship status...
"it's complicated."
- It's really not.
- Yeah, I'll help.
Anything to keep looking busy.
Otherwise Amy's gonna ask me
to walk her baby or whatever.
- So you're dating someone?
- Yup.
Dr. Brian Patterson.
It's been a couple weeks.
I just... I really think
this could be something.
Not the normal cold,
anonymous sex I'm used to.
No offense, Garrett.
Ah, well, we were
literally wearing name tags,
but generally speaking, yes.
So it's his birthday,
and I wanna give him a picture
of the two of us together,
but we haven't really
had any taken yet,
so I thought maybe
you could Photoshop something.
I have his picture.
Did you steal his license?
Uh, yeah, you can't ask
to borrow someone's license.
They'll think you're a freak.
I can whip something up.
He's cute.
Ooh, 6'1".
Mm-hmm, and his proportions
are a dream.
Nipples exactly
where you want 'em.
Mm.
Can you turn that for Mama?
Just in case this isn't
what you wanted to do
for the next 10 minutes,
you want me to take him?
Yes, that would be great.
Thank you... just be careful.
All he wants to do is
open your eyelid
and scream into it right now.
Uh, never mind.
Go... go deal with that.
Oh, sir.
Sir, it's just the coupons.
We didn't hide anything
in the products.
Oh, yeah?
Then what's this?
- The prizes are in the cereal!
- No, it's...
No, that's just... have you
not had cereal before?
The glitter was my idea.
Makes it look
more magical, right?
Is that edible glitter?
I mean, technically
all glitter is edible.
It's really small.
Oh, okay.
Hey, wasn't Jonah cute
holding Parker?
I guess.
I just meant he looked
like a really good dad.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
Wouldn't it be crazy if Jonah
actually was Parker's dad?
Yeah, that'd be wild.
But Amy was already pregnant
when she and Jonah had sex.
Unless she just thought
she was pregnant.
It could've been
a false positive.
Oh, yeah.
There was this girl in my class
who thought she was pregnant,
and then she went away
for a few months.
And when she came back,
it turned out that her mom
had a miracle baby,
like, way late in life.
Uh-huh.
Happy St. Patrick's Day,
shoppers.
Corned beef and cabbage
are 20% off.
If you're dying to impress
your friends with wet meat,
now's the time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... hold on.
What is this?
It's for Brian.
Mateo nailed it.
Don't you think that
this is a little... big
for a first birthday together?
Well, it needs to be big in
order to secure the balloons.
16, one for every day
we've known each other.
Or maybe since you
just started dating,
you could go with something
like, and I'm being crazy here,
but something like a card?
A card?
He's not
in the hospital, Garrett.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
I...
I know what's happening.
He's trying
to give me bad advice
because he wants to sabotage
my relationship with Brian.
You still want me.
You poor bastard.
No, I just think
that this is a lot
for any human man to take.
Oh, Garrett, let it go.
It's over, okay?
There are women
on the internet.
Dozens of them.
Hey, Amy.
I saw you were having
a little bit of trouble,
so I thought it might help
if Jerusha came in
to watch Parker.
Oh, my God.
That would be amazing.
Thank you so much.
It's really no problem.
We were just picking up some
T-shirts at Cracker Barrel.
But we're happy to have a
little playdate with this guy.
- Yes, that's so fun.
- Yeah.
You go back to being
big boss lady.
Full-time mom is on the case.
Well, yeah, I mean,
I am also a full-time mom.
Yeah, but Jerusha's
a super mom.
Saving babies in need.
Well, I mean, "saving"
is a little strong.
And "in need,"
but... but thank you.
And now other super mom is
gonna go check the inventory!
♪ Bah-bum
Okay.
Bye, Parker.
What was that?
I don't know what
she was doing.
Look at her grip that block.
Confidence of a gladiator.
It's impressive
my amniotic fluid
managed to offset
all that Sturgis DNA.
Well, you watch her
pinken in the sun
and tell me that she's
not full Sturgis.
Okay, um, here is
Parker's diaper bag.
There are some fruit squeezies
there if he gets hungry.
Oh, that's okay.
I can just give him
some of Rose's fruit mash.
It's homemade.
Jerusha makes
all of Rose's food.
She's never even tasted sugar.
Rose, I mean.
Jerusha's tasted sugar.
Don't care for it.
I'm a baking soda gal.
Well, I mean,
they are organic.
There's, like,
four ingredients, so...
I make mine
with a very special ingredient.
Do you know what
that ingredient is?
- I think I can guess.
- Is it palm oil?
Because it's destroying
our rain forests.
It's love.
Isn't that cute?
So cute, yeah.
Um, so anyway,
thanks again, Jerusha.
Lifesaver.
My pleasure.
You know, it might be nice
for Parker to get some
one-on-one attention instead
of being lost in the crowd
at day care.
Yeah.
Oh, well, I mean, there's,
like, seven kids there.
It's a really good ratio.
Yeah, but her ratio's
one-to-one.
So that's seven times better.
That's just math.
Well, Parker loves day care.
He loves it so much that
sometimes I come to pick him up
to take him home,
and he starts crying.
Ooh.
Not because he doesn't
want to go home.
He's very happy...
at home and at daycare.
- He's happy.
- Oh, yeah.
No, we think Parker's doing
great under the circumstances.
I mean, you should be
proud of him.
I am.
I'm very proud of him.
He's doing great.
He's bright and he's curious...
Is this a dog toy?
No. What?
It's a... it's a squirrel.
That squeaks.
That's what squirrels do.
Do they?
I don't know, Dina.
I didn't make the toy.
I make all of Rose's toys.
Yeah.
Okay.
It says "anticonvulsants
can cause a false positive
in a pregnancy test."
Maybe Amy was taking those.
She must have been.
I've never seen her convulse,
like, ever.
But wait, she also
looked really pregnant.
Right.
But maybe, she was faking it.
So Adam would think it's his
and have to pay them
child support.
That's smart.
Get that beekeeping money.
You know how I'm producing
Brian's birthday?
I'm trying to get a tribute
band, and I need your opinion.
I found this live-action
version of the Beastie Boys...
The Beastie-Boys
were live-action.
Wait, so it wasn't a cartoon
where every beast played
a different instrument?
- Well, I like my version better.
- Look, man.
Dina's plan,
it's insane, right?
Oh, yeah, it's off the rails,
but I'm not gonna
tell her that.
It's Dina.
She doesn't respond well
to outside input.
She's like Tyler Perry.
All right, well, she's
gonna scare this guy off.
I know, it's crazy.
Someone should stop her.
Besides us, I mean.
- Who do they think they are?
- Yes, exactly, thank you.
Ugh, "made with love."
Yeah, I bought those
fruit squeezies with love.
They're in the expensive part
of the store
with the beeswax candles.
She's home all day.
She has nothing but time
to cut up fruit.
Hell, she could even
macerate them.
Maybe chiffonade
a little mint on top.
Yeah, she could totally
do whatever you just said.
You are an amazing mom.
Parker is an awesome kid.
And if I'm being honest,
Rose has kind of a weird smell.
- Oh, my God, she totally does.
- Yeah.
She kind of smells like,
and I don't even know
what I mean by this,
a parlor.
Yes, like a parlor.
In a house.
Where people gather.
Yes.
Hey, Justine,
that erotic bakery you used
for your birthday,
are they open to putting
non-nudes on a cake?
Ooh, I don't know.
Probably not.
It's a religious thing
for them.
Got it.
I'll keep looking.
I'm getting Brian
a birthday cake
with a bunch
of his baby pictures on it.
Okay, hold on.
I thought you just had
his driver license photo.
Yeah, but it'll be easy
to get baby photos
now that I tracked down
his mom.
- His mom?
- Yeah.
Yes, Garrett, we found
Brian's mother on Instagram.
Yup, there's a lot
of Sue Pattersons out there,
but if you devote
an hour to it,
eventually you'll find
the right one.
- Right, Mateo?
- Hour and a half.
Okay, this has gotta stop.
Sorry I'm being so insensitive.
Here I am talking about
my incredible relationship
when clearly,
Garrett wants me back.
And me front.
A little St. Patrick's Day
humor there for you.
Okay, you know what, Dina?
I'm gonna say this as a friend.
But you are coming on
way too strong,
so strong that it's terrifying.
Your actions are gonna haunt
this man until the day he dies.
And I'm not the only one
who thinks it.
Everybody else does too.
They're just
too chicken to say it.
But I'm not
'cause I'm your friend.
Is that how
you both feel as well?
Um, maybe?
Yeah, when you
add everything up,
I could see how it could
tip towards crazy.
Hmm.
Well, as your friend,
I'd like you all to know
your faces look like butts.
♪ Precious memories ♪
Wow.
Hey, guys,
Rose just sang a song.
Yeah, she's making up tunes
all the time.
I forget that most kids
don't do that.
But maybe it's 'cause she's
home with Jerusha all day.
You know, who's practically
a walking glockenspiel.
Parker has some tricks
up his sleeve too.
Jonah, do the...
Do the high five.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, watch this.
High five.
Look, they have
the same hands.
High five.
High five, buddy.
Just hold on.
He'll do it.
It's really cute.
Jonah, do it like
you do it at home.
- Yeah, I am...
- No, no, but do the voice.
Well, I'm in front
of a bunch of people,
so I'm not gonna do the voice.
- I should get back to work.
- Yeah, me too.
Guys, you're not paramedics.
Your work can wait.
Just... come on, Jonah.
Please do the voice.
Hey, Parker, high five.
High five.
No, you're still
not doing it right.
This is how I do it.
High five.
Oh, that... that, that was it.
Wow.
Great.
And you've taken him to
a doctor, and he's doing fine?
No, he's doing fine.
He's doing great.
Yeah.
- Good job, Parker.
- No, no, that wasn't it.
You guys,
don't clap for that.
Oh, cool.
My dog has the same toy.
- What?
- No, it's not...
It's not a dog toy.
I got it here in the store.
- In toys?
- No, in clearance, but it's...
Oh, yeah, that is a dog toy.
- Potty.
- Oh.
Well, I heard that.
Okay, sweetie, let's go.
- Did she say "potty"?
- Yay!
She's potty-trained
at 16 months?
Yeah, but don't put that kind
of pressure on Parker, okay?
'Cause he's got enough
to deal with.
Let's go.
Up, boy.
Up.
He's not a dog!
Maybe they're right.
Maybe if I was home all day,
Parker would be peeing
in a toilet
and playing with human toys.
Stop it.
You're a great mom.
And plus, I mean,
do we even know that
Rose is potty-trained?
What?
She says potty,
and Glenn takes her away.
We don't know what happens
in that bathroom.
Do you think he's lying?
Glenn's been rubbing Rose
in our face all day.
Think about it.
He took a demotion
just to be with her.
He's... very invested.
Yeah, I mean,
for all we know,
it could be, like,
diaper city in there.
Do you want me to go check?
No, come on.
That would be crazy.
I mean, I do
kind of have to go.
Well, if you're gonna
go anyway, then yeah, sure.
You should...
♪ The wicked little children
went down to the beach ♪
♪ Learning all
the naughty lessons ♪
♪ The people there do teach
♪ We'll learn about murder
♪ While playing in the sand
♪ And we'll learn
about the lying ♪
♪ While skipping
across the land ♪
Good job, Rose.
What the...
Oh, my God.
Jonah?
Ow, my eye.
Jonah, ouchie.
Whoa, you're destroying it?
You don't need to do that.
Ah, you were right.
It was a stupid idea
with stupid photos.
I'm... I'm not very good at this.
I think I'm just gonna call
the whole thing off.
Oh, don't do that.
I mean,
I'm sure he wants
to see you on his birthday.
No, he'll see me around.
We shop for the same things.
- Food, soap, stamps.
- What has gotten into you?
You're acting like you've
never dated someone before.
Well, I haven't.
Not someone I wanted
to stick around.
And it's his birthday, and
all I have left to give him is
a piñata full of condoms, and
now I'm even questioning that.
Oh, okay, well, yeah.
Don't... do not give him that.
- See?
- Okay, just keep it simple.
Take him out to a nice dinner.
I don't even know
what a nice dinner is.
Is it a hot soup
followed by a cold soup?
Is it a place that
gives you bread?
Is it a place that wants you
to bring your own bread?
What are you talking about?
You've had dinner before.
- Not as a girlfriend!
- It's very similar!
I am so sorry, Jonah.
I... I have no idea
how this happened.
It's fine.
People get hit by doors
all the time.
- It's very common.
- Can I get you more water?
Starve a fever,
hydrate a black eye.
Sure.
Thank you.
Why were you standing
so close to the door?
Were you, like,
spying on Glenn?
No, of course I wasn't... no,
I was checking on something.
On what?
I was just taking Rose
to go potty.
- Allegedly.
- "Allegedly"?
I mean, I just wanted to see
if Rose actually
was potty-trained.
Why would you think
he was lying?
It's just... it's very advanced
for a child Rose's age.
Oh, well, Rose is advanced.
You see, when you have
a full-time mom at home...
Stop saying that.
All moms are full-time moms.
Like when I'm here,
Emma's still texting me,
telling me she's gonna die
without Rebo.
I don't know what Rebo is.
Now I have to go online
and find out.
Is it an app?
Is it a shoe?
Is it a boy?
Amy, you work full-time.
You're doing the best you can.
And it'll be good for Parker
to have to overcome
some disadvantages.
Like Oscar the Grouch
grew up in a garbage can,
but he's still on Sesame Street
just like all
those other puppets
who are friendly and clean.
I'm sorry,
are you calling my child
a disadvantaged, filthy Muppet?
No apologies, Amy.
You are a boss bitch,
and your career is your baby.
No.
My baby is my baby.
Hey, Parker's fine, okay?
We're not neglecting him.
Every night, we give him
a bath, we read him stories,
we sing him to sleep
in his crib...
- Wait, he sleeps in a crib?
- Where else would he sleep?
Rose sleeps with us.
That's why we got
a California full.
So it's like all three of you
in there together?
Like some kind of sexless,
Midwestern pot pie?
- Uh-huh.
- Actually, people now think
that bed-sharing makes it
harder for kids
to learn how to sleep
on their own.
Well, Petey sleeps in bed
with me every night.
Mama's a pushover.
Oh, for God sake, Justine,
a dog is not a child.
Yes, it's cute, and it drools,
and you have to feed it
and teach it things, but...
There are some differences.
Yeah, Petey can high five.
♪ Hey Mr. Burr,
that really smarts ♪
♪ Why'd you go and shoot me
in the heart ♪
So that was "Hamilton,"
you guys.
I never saw the show,
but I overheard people talking
about it at the yarn store.
So we bullied Rose
out of diapers?
All I'm saying is that maybe
instead of forcing your child
into something new, let them
tell you when they're ready.
It's like Parker
and his pacifier.
- He still uses a pacifier?
- Mm-hmm.
So you're not worried
about dental problems,
speech delays, looking lame.
No, he'll give it up
when he's ready.
Yeah... well, yeah.
We decided to let him keep it
even though those are
all valid points.
Well, I thought we were
on the same page about this.
Are you the one
taking his pacifiers?
I was gonna give them back
when he learned moderation.
I let Emma give it up
when she was ready.
I think this might be a point
in Jonah's column.
Yeah, Emma's nice,
but she doesn't really pop.
This isn't about Emma.
This is about Parker and Rose,
and how to decide
which one's better.
- What... no.
- Not what this is about.
What if they had
a competition?
Oh, yes.
Like an obstacle course.
Petey does those.
They're not dogs.
Different Petey.
Petey the person.
Hold on.
I have to say as a mom,
I think that putting babies
in an obstacle course
sounds pretty hilarious.
We're not putting our babies
through an obstacle course.
Yeah, besides, it's not fair
to make Parker prove himself
against Rose.
- Excuse me?
- Hmm?
You don't think Parker
could beat Rose?
Parker would destroy Rose
in an obstacle course.
Okay.
Uh, yeah, he would
because he spends all day
at a day care center
running around with other kids
while poor, little Rosie sits
at home with an old schoolmarm.
- What did you just say?
- You heard her.
Or is your hearing
starting to go?
A little.
But it is on, Buster Brown.
Great.
Mateo, set up
the obstacle course.
And just to be clear,
I really appreciate
Jerusha watching Parker.
No problem!
She loves it.
Behold, the Baby Dome!
Two babies enter,
one baby leaves.
And then the other baby
leaves too.
Yeah, it's very safe.
You get him, Rose.
No mercy.
- Is this okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's just a little
friendly competition.
Hey, buddy, do you remember
when your blankie flew out
of the car window
and you went nuts?
That energy.
Find it.
Do you see
Jonah's eyes right now?
He's, like, full-on crazy.
I know.
It's so sweet.
All right.
Babies at their mark!
Okay.
Ready, set, throw down!
Okay, Parker, here you go.
Don't worry about Rose.
You just focus on your game.
Come on, Parker!
Eat her alive!
Well, this is
a nothing burger.
Yup.
I'm not mad.
Just disappointed.
We'll talk about it
in bed tonight.
Make a reservation
at Ramona's.
You like that
neighborhood, right?
Of course.
It's full of Lithuanians.
- They can't get enough of me.
- Okay.
So we've got Ramona's,
axe throwing,
and vegan frozen yogurt.
Yeah, but do you think
frozen yogurt is a little too
"sorry kids, Grandma's dead"?
What?
No, frozen yogurt is fun.
You're in charge
of your own destiny.
You could mix grapefruit
with espresso.
Yeah, but I don't think
anyone should have
- that much power.
- That's part of the excitement.
Okay, frozen yogurt it is.
Well, we planned
one hell of a date.
Game over.
Nobody does it better.
Okay, I gotta get going.
Yeah.
Where... where are you headed?
I gotta get ready.
Brian's off work in an hour.
Oh, yeah.
Great... yeah, of course.
Yeah, you gotta get going.
- Yeah, well thanks, buddy.
- Mm-hmm.
Anytime.
You were kind of going
wild back there.
Oh, only me?
A little nervous
about how you're gonna be
once he starts
playing football.
Oh, he won't be
playing sports.
Really, 'cause Adam was
a football player.
Yeah, but I've been dosing
him on two hours of NPR daily,
so the closest he's coming to
sports is maybe marching band.
But if he's gonna be running
away from bullies anyway,
maybe he joins track too?
Can you run?
Are you a runner?
Don't get up.
You're obviously very busy.
You know, mopping up
glitter vomit
isn't as bad as regular vomit.
It makes me feel like
I'm cleaning up
after a wasted unicorn.
Yeah, yeah.
- So I got it.
- What?
Jonah's DNA.
- You took that from Jonah?
- Yeah.
And I found one
of Parker's pacifiers.
So now we just send them
to the lab with $200
and then wait for the results.
Oh.
Yeah, you know, I don't
wanna do that, no offense.
It just crosses so many lines
and is, like, super crazy.
Oh. Yeah.
I hadn't thought
about the lines.
So, um...
Could you, like, not tell
Jonah and Amy about this?
Oh, sorry, but I kind of
just think I'm gonna.
Of course.
Yeah, totally get it.
Synchronized by srjanapala
It makes no sense
for you to run the meeting
when the former manager
is here.
I can do this
from muscle memory.
What are you talking about?
Your body has
literally no muscle.
- Now give me the clipboard.
- No.
- Give it to me!
- No.
- Glenn, come on.
- I will not.
- I order you to give to me.
- You order me?
- Yes, I do...
- Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
I don't take orders from you!
Um, no problem.
Just was running the meeting
for you...
We covered a lot of ground.
Parker's day care closed
at the last minute.
- Some kid had lice.
- Logan. Surprise, surprise.
So now Parker is here.
With his wet face, great.
Well, I mean, I didn't know
what else to do.
My parents are out of town,
and Eric's working,
and Adam's at a convention
learning how to do beekeeping.
Oh, if he wants bees,
I still got a ton in my car.
Okay, so, uh,
St. Patrick's Day. Right.
Today we have a new "Follow the
Rainbow to Savings" initiative.
Customers will follow
the clouds with rainbows
to find coupons.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
My ovaries are exploding.
It's like,
scrambled eggs, anyone?
- Oh, gross.
- Disgusting.
So Sarah, can you stock the...
Is it okay
to hold him like that?
He seems uncomfortable.
No, he's totally fine.
And this is a very standard way
to hold a child.
Maybe he's afraid of heights.
Put him on the floor.
You guys, he's good.
I promise.
Okay, Cheyenne, Sandra,
you're serving
our St. Patrick's Day
specialty snacks...
Amy, sorry to interrupt,
but I think some pooping
is happening your way.
Yeah, I know.
I'll change him soon.
Oh, okay.
We're just supposed to ignore
the human feces in the room.
She wants him to sit in it.
Teach him a lesson.
No, I'm just trying
to get through this.
All right, all right.
Come here, little buddy.
I got you.
Oh, my God.
Jonah's holding Amy's baby
like it's his baby.
I live with him, Sandra.
I hold him every day.
I'm literally
screaming right now.
*SUPERSTORE*
Season 05 Episode 18
Episode Title: "Playdate"
Aired on: March 19, 2020
Like, I get
the concept of babies.
I'm not even saying
don't have babies.
Like, have babies.
But do I have
to see the babies?
Mateo, could you
give me a hand?
It's a dating thing,
and you're the only person here
in a functional relationship.
Justine, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
Just because you send money
to a man in Ghana
does not make him
your boyfriend.
Relationship status...
"it's complicated."
- It's really not.
- Yeah, I'll help.
Anything to keep looking busy.
Otherwise Amy's gonna ask me
to walk her baby or whatever.
- So you're dating someone?
- Yup.
Dr. Brian Patterson.
It's been a couple weeks.
I just... I really think
this could be something.
Not the normal cold,
anonymous sex I'm used to.
No offense, Garrett.
Ah, well, we were
literally wearing name tags,
but generally speaking, yes.
So it's his birthday,
and I wanna give him a picture
of the two of us together,
but we haven't really
had any taken yet,
so I thought maybe
you could Photoshop something.
I have his picture.
Did you steal his license?
Uh, yeah, you can't ask
to borrow someone's license.
They'll think you're a freak.
I can whip something up.
He's cute.
Ooh, 6'1".
Mm-hmm, and his proportions
are a dream.
Nipples exactly
where you want 'em.
Mm.
Can you turn that for Mama?
Just in case this isn't
what you wanted to do
for the next 10 minutes,
you want me to take him?
Yes, that would be great.
Thank you... just be careful.
All he wants to do is
open your eyelid
and scream into it right now.
Uh, never mind.
Go... go deal with that.
Oh, sir.
Sir, it's just the coupons.
We didn't hide anything
in the products.
Oh, yeah?
Then what's this?
- The prizes are in the cereal!
- No, it's...
No, that's just... have you
not had cereal before?
The glitter was my idea.
Makes it look
more magical, right?
Is that edible glitter?
I mean, technically
all glitter is edible.
It's really small.
Oh, okay.
Hey, wasn't Jonah cute
holding Parker?
I guess.
I just meant he looked
like a really good dad.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
Wouldn't it be crazy if Jonah
actually was Parker's dad?
Yeah, that'd be wild.
But Amy was already pregnant
when she and Jonah had sex.
Unless she just thought
she was pregnant.
It could've been
a false positive.
Oh, yeah.
There was this girl in my class
who thought she was pregnant,
and then she went away
for a few months.
And when she came back,
it turned out that her mom
had a miracle baby,
like, way late in life.
Uh-huh.
Happy St. Patrick's Day,
shoppers.
Corned beef and cabbage
are 20% off.
If you're dying to impress
your friends with wet meat,
now's the time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... hold on.
What is this?
It's for Brian.
Mateo nailed it.
Don't you think that
this is a little... big
for a first birthday together?
Well, it needs to be big in
order to secure the balloons.
16, one for every day
we've known each other.
Or maybe since you
just started dating,
you could go with something
like, and I'm being crazy here,
but something like a card?
A card?
He's not
in the hospital, Garrett.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
I...
I know what's happening.
He's trying
to give me bad advice
because he wants to sabotage
my relationship with Brian.
You still want me.
You poor bastard.
No, I just think
that this is a lot
for any human man to take.
Oh, Garrett, let it go.
It's over, okay?
There are women
on the internet.
Dozens of them.
Hey, Amy.
I saw you were having
a little bit of trouble,
so I thought it might help
if Jerusha came in
to watch Parker.
Oh, my God.
That would be amazing.
Thank you so much.
It's really no problem.
We were just picking up some
T-shirts at Cracker Barrel.
But we're happy to have a
little playdate with this guy.
- Yes, that's so fun.
- Yeah.
You go back to being
big boss lady.
Full-time mom is on the case.
Well, yeah, I mean,
I am also a full-time mom.
Yeah, but Jerusha's
a super mom.
Saving babies in need.
Well, I mean, "saving"
is a little strong.
And "in need,"
but... but thank you.
And now other super mom is
gonna go check the inventory!
♪ Bah-bum
Okay.
Bye, Parker.
What was that?
I don't know what
she was doing.
Look at her grip that block.
Confidence of a gladiator.
It's impressive
my amniotic fluid
managed to offset
all that Sturgis DNA.
Well, you watch her
pinken in the sun
and tell me that she's
not full Sturgis.
Okay, um, here is
Parker's diaper bag.
There are some fruit squeezies
there if he gets hungry.
Oh, that's okay.
I can just give him
some of Rose's fruit mash.
It's homemade.
Jerusha makes
all of Rose's food.
She's never even tasted sugar.
Rose, I mean.
Jerusha's tasted sugar.
Don't care for it.
I'm a baking soda gal.
Well, I mean,
they are organic.
There's, like,
four ingredients, so...
I make mine
with a very special ingredient.
Do you know what
that ingredient is?
- I think I can guess.
- Is it palm oil?
Because it's destroying
our rain forests.
It's love.
Isn't that cute?
So cute, yeah.
Um, so anyway,
thanks again, Jerusha.
Lifesaver.
My pleasure.
You know, it might be nice
for Parker to get some
one-on-one attention instead
of being lost in the crowd
at day care.
Yeah.
Oh, well, I mean, there's,
like, seven kids there.
It's a really good ratio.
Yeah, but her ratio's
one-to-one.
So that's seven times better.
That's just math.
Well, Parker loves day care.
He loves it so much that
sometimes I come to pick him up
to take him home,
and he starts crying.
Ooh.
Not because he doesn't
want to go home.
He's very happy...
at home and at daycare.
- He's happy.
- Oh, yeah.
No, we think Parker's doing
great under the circumstances.
I mean, you should be
proud of him.
I am.
I'm very proud of him.
He's doing great.
He's bright and he's curious...
Is this a dog toy?
No. What?
It's a... it's a squirrel.
That squeaks.
That's what squirrels do.
Do they?
I don't know, Dina.
I didn't make the toy.
I make all of Rose's toys.
Yeah.
Okay.
It says "anticonvulsants
can cause a false positive
in a pregnancy test."
Maybe Amy was taking those.
She must have been.
I've never seen her convulse,
like, ever.
But wait, she also
looked really pregnant.
Right.
But maybe, she was faking it.
So Adam would think it's his
and have to pay them
child support.
That's smart.
Get that beekeeping money.
You know how I'm producing
Brian's birthday?
I'm trying to get a tribute
band, and I need your opinion.
I found this live-action
version of the Beastie Boys...
The Beastie-Boys
were live-action.
Wait, so it wasn't a cartoon
where every beast played
a different instrument?
- Well, I like my version better.
- Look, man.
Dina's plan,
it's insane, right?
Oh, yeah, it's off the rails,
but I'm not gonna
tell her that.
It's Dina.
She doesn't respond well
to outside input.
She's like Tyler Perry.
All right, well, she's
gonna scare this guy off.
I know, it's crazy.
Someone should stop her.
Besides us, I mean.
- Who do they think they are?
- Yes, exactly, thank you.
Ugh, "made with love."
Yeah, I bought those
fruit squeezies with love.
They're in the expensive part
of the store
with the beeswax candles.
She's home all day.
She has nothing but time
to cut up fruit.
Hell, she could even
macerate them.
Maybe chiffonade
a little mint on top.
Yeah, she could totally
do whatever you just said.
You are an amazing mom.
Parker is an awesome kid.
And if I'm being honest,
Rose has kind of a weird smell.
- Oh, my God, she totally does.
- Yeah.
She kind of smells like,
and I don't even know
what I mean by this,
a parlor.
Yes, like a parlor.
In a house.
Where people gather.
Yes.
Hey, Justine,
that erotic bakery you used
for your birthday,
are they open to putting
non-nudes on a cake?
Ooh, I don't know.
Probably not.
It's a religious thing
for them.
Got it.
I'll keep looking.
I'm getting Brian
a birthday cake
with a bunch
of his baby pictures on it.
Okay, hold on.
I thought you just had
his driver license photo.
Yeah, but it'll be easy
to get baby photos
now that I tracked down
his mom.
- His mom?
- Yeah.
Yes, Garrett, we found
Brian's mother on Instagram.
Yup, there's a lot
of Sue Pattersons out there,
but if you devote
an hour to it,
eventually you'll find
the right one.
- Right, Mateo?
- Hour and a half.
Okay, this has gotta stop.
Sorry I'm being so insensitive.
Here I am talking about
my incredible relationship
when clearly,
Garrett wants me back.
And me front.
A little St. Patrick's Day
humor there for you.
Okay, you know what, Dina?
I'm gonna say this as a friend.
But you are coming on
way too strong,
so strong that it's terrifying.
Your actions are gonna haunt
this man until the day he dies.
And I'm not the only one
who thinks it.
Everybody else does too.
They're just
too chicken to say it.
But I'm not
'cause I'm your friend.
Is that how
you both feel as well?
Um, maybe?
Yeah, when you
add everything up,
I could see how it could
tip towards crazy.
Hmm.
Well, as your friend,
I'd like you all to know
your faces look like butts.
♪ Precious memories ♪
Wow.
Hey, guys,
Rose just sang a song.
Yeah, she's making up tunes
all the time.
I forget that most kids
don't do that.
But maybe it's 'cause she's
home with Jerusha all day.
You know, who's practically
a walking glockenspiel.
Parker has some tricks
up his sleeve too.
Jonah, do the...
Do the high five.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, watch this.
High five.
Look, they have
the same hands.
High five.
High five, buddy.
Just hold on.
He'll do it.
It's really cute.
Jonah, do it like
you do it at home.
- Yeah, I am...
- No, no, but do the voice.
Well, I'm in front
of a bunch of people,
so I'm not gonna do the voice.
- I should get back to work.
- Yeah, me too.
Guys, you're not paramedics.
Your work can wait.
Just... come on, Jonah.
Please do the voice.
Hey, Parker, high five.
High five.
No, you're still
not doing it right.
This is how I do it.
High five.
Oh, that... that, that was it.
Wow.
Great.
And you've taken him to
a doctor, and he's doing fine?
No, he's doing fine.
He's doing great.
Yeah.
- Good job, Parker.
- No, no, that wasn't it.
You guys,
don't clap for that.
Oh, cool.
My dog has the same toy.
- What?
- No, it's not...
It's not a dog toy.
I got it here in the store.
- In toys?
- No, in clearance, but it's...
Oh, yeah, that is a dog toy.
- Potty.
- Oh.
Well, I heard that.
Okay, sweetie, let's go.
- Did she say "potty"?
- Yay!
She's potty-trained
at 16 months?
Yeah, but don't put that kind
of pressure on Parker, okay?
'Cause he's got enough
to deal with.
Let's go.
Up, boy.
Up.
He's not a dog!
Maybe they're right.
Maybe if I was home all day,
Parker would be peeing
in a toilet
and playing with human toys.
Stop it.
You're a great mom.
And plus, I mean,
do we even know that
Rose is potty-trained?
What?
She says potty,
and Glenn takes her away.
We don't know what happens
in that bathroom.
Do you think he's lying?
Glenn's been rubbing Rose
in our face all day.
Think about it.
He took a demotion
just to be with her.
He's... very invested.
Yeah, I mean,
for all we know,
it could be, like,
diaper city in there.
Do you want me to go check?
No, come on.
That would be crazy.
I mean, I do
kind of have to go.
Well, if you're gonna
go anyway, then yeah, sure.
You should...
♪ The wicked little children
went down to the beach ♪
♪ Learning all
the naughty lessons ♪
♪ The people there do teach
♪ We'll learn about murder
♪ While playing in the sand
♪ And we'll learn
about the lying ♪
♪ While skipping
across the land ♪
Good job, Rose.
What the...
Oh, my God.
Jonah?
Ow, my eye.
Jonah, ouchie.
Whoa, you're destroying it?
You don't need to do that.
Ah, you were right.
It was a stupid idea
with stupid photos.
I'm... I'm not very good at this.
I think I'm just gonna call
the whole thing off.
Oh, don't do that.
I mean,
I'm sure he wants
to see you on his birthday.
No, he'll see me around.
We shop for the same things.
- Food, soap, stamps.
- What has gotten into you?
You're acting like you've
never dated someone before.
Well, I haven't.
Not someone I wanted
to stick around.
And it's his birthday, and
all I have left to give him is
a piñata full of condoms, and
now I'm even questioning that.
Oh, okay, well, yeah.
Don't... do not give him that.
- See?
- Okay, just keep it simple.
Take him out to a nice dinner.
I don't even know
what a nice dinner is.
Is it a hot soup
followed by a cold soup?
Is it a place that
gives you bread?
Is it a place that wants you
to bring your own bread?
What are you talking about?
You've had dinner before.
- Not as a girlfriend!
- It's very similar!
I am so sorry, Jonah.
I... I have no idea
how this happened.
It's fine.
People get hit by doors
all the time.
- It's very common.
- Can I get you more water?
Starve a fever,
hydrate a black eye.
Sure.
Thank you.
Why were you standing
so close to the door?
Were you, like,
spying on Glenn?
No, of course I wasn't... no,
I was checking on something.
On what?
I was just taking Rose
to go potty.
- Allegedly.
- "Allegedly"?
I mean, I just wanted to see
if Rose actually
was potty-trained.
Why would you think
he was lying?
It's just... it's very advanced
for a child Rose's age.
Oh, well, Rose is advanced.
You see, when you have
a full-time mom at home...
Stop saying that.
All moms are full-time moms.
Like when I'm here,
Emma's still texting me,
telling me she's gonna die
without Rebo.
I don't know what Rebo is.
Now I have to go online
and find out.
Is it an app?
Is it a shoe?
Is it a boy?
Amy, you work full-time.
You're doing the best you can.
And it'll be good for Parker
to have to overcome
some disadvantages.
Like Oscar the Grouch
grew up in a garbage can,
but he's still on Sesame Street
just like all
those other puppets
who are friendly and clean.
I'm sorry,
are you calling my child
a disadvantaged, filthy Muppet?
No apologies, Amy.
You are a boss bitch,
and your career is your baby.
No.
My baby is my baby.
Hey, Parker's fine, okay?
We're not neglecting him.
Every night, we give him
a bath, we read him stories,
we sing him to sleep
in his crib...
- Wait, he sleeps in a crib?
- Where else would he sleep?
Rose sleeps with us.
That's why we got
a California full.
So it's like all three of you
in there together?
Like some kind of sexless,
Midwestern pot pie?
- Uh-huh.
- Actually, people now think
that bed-sharing makes it
harder for kids
to learn how to sleep
on their own.
Well, Petey sleeps in bed
with me every night.
Mama's a pushover.
Oh, for God sake, Justine,
a dog is not a child.
Yes, it's cute, and it drools,
and you have to feed it
and teach it things, but...
There are some differences.
Yeah, Petey can high five.
♪ Hey Mr. Burr,
that really smarts ♪
♪ Why'd you go and shoot me
in the heart ♪
So that was "Hamilton,"
you guys.
I never saw the show,
but I overheard people talking
about it at the yarn store.
So we bullied Rose
out of diapers?
All I'm saying is that maybe
instead of forcing your child
into something new, let them
tell you when they're ready.
It's like Parker
and his pacifier.
- He still uses a pacifier?
- Mm-hmm.
So you're not worried
about dental problems,
speech delays, looking lame.
No, he'll give it up
when he's ready.
Yeah... well, yeah.
We decided to let him keep it
even though those are
all valid points.
Well, I thought we were
on the same page about this.
Are you the one
taking his pacifiers?
I was gonna give them back
when he learned moderation.
I let Emma give it up
when she was ready.
I think this might be a point
in Jonah's column.
Yeah, Emma's nice,
but she doesn't really pop.
This isn't about Emma.
This is about Parker and Rose,
and how to decide
which one's better.
- What... no.
- Not what this is about.
What if they had
a competition?
Oh, yes.
Like an obstacle course.
Petey does those.
They're not dogs.
Different Petey.
Petey the person.
Hold on.
I have to say as a mom,
I think that putting babies
in an obstacle course
sounds pretty hilarious.
We're not putting our babies
through an obstacle course.
Yeah, besides, it's not fair
to make Parker prove himself
against Rose.
- Excuse me?
- Hmm?
You don't think Parker
could beat Rose?
Parker would destroy Rose
in an obstacle course.
Okay.
Uh, yeah, he would
because he spends all day
at a day care center
running around with other kids
while poor, little Rosie sits
at home with an old schoolmarm.
- What did you just say?
- You heard her.
Or is your hearing
starting to go?
A little.
But it is on, Buster Brown.
Great.
Mateo, set up
the obstacle course.
And just to be clear,
I really appreciate
Jerusha watching Parker.
No problem!
She loves it.
Behold, the Baby Dome!
Two babies enter,
one baby leaves.
And then the other baby
leaves too.
Yeah, it's very safe.
You get him, Rose.
No mercy.
- Is this okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's just a little
friendly competition.
Hey, buddy, do you remember
when your blankie flew out
of the car window
and you went nuts?
That energy.
Find it.
Do you see
Jonah's eyes right now?
He's, like, full-on crazy.
I know.
It's so sweet.
All right.
Babies at their mark!
Okay.
Ready, set, throw down!
Okay, Parker, here you go.
Don't worry about Rose.
You just focus on your game.
Come on, Parker!
Eat her alive!
Well, this is
a nothing burger.
Yup.
I'm not mad.
Just disappointed.
We'll talk about it
in bed tonight.
Make a reservation
at Ramona's.
You like that
neighborhood, right?
Of course.
It's full of Lithuanians.
- They can't get enough of me.
- Okay.
So we've got Ramona's,
axe throwing,
and vegan frozen yogurt.
Yeah, but do you think
frozen yogurt is a little too
"sorry kids, Grandma's dead"?
What?
No, frozen yogurt is fun.
You're in charge
of your own destiny.
You could mix grapefruit
with espresso.
Yeah, but I don't think
anyone should have
- that much power.
- That's part of the excitement.
Okay, frozen yogurt it is.
Well, we planned
one hell of a date.
Game over.
Nobody does it better.
Okay, I gotta get going.
Yeah.
Where... where are you headed?
I gotta get ready.
Brian's off work in an hour.
Oh, yeah.
Great... yeah, of course.
Yeah, you gotta get going.
- Yeah, well thanks, buddy.
- Mm-hmm.
Anytime.
You were kind of going
wild back there.
Oh, only me?
A little nervous
about how you're gonna be
once he starts
playing football.
Oh, he won't be
playing sports.
Really, 'cause Adam was
a football player.
Yeah, but I've been dosing
him on two hours of NPR daily,
so the closest he's coming to
sports is maybe marching band.
But if he's gonna be running
away from bullies anyway,
maybe he joins track too?
Can you run?
Are you a runner?
Don't get up.
You're obviously very busy.
You know, mopping up
glitter vomit
isn't as bad as regular vomit.
It makes me feel like
I'm cleaning up
after a wasted unicorn.
Yeah, yeah.
- So I got it.
- What?
Jonah's DNA.
- You took that from Jonah?
- Yeah.
And I found one
of Parker's pacifiers.
So now we just send them
to the lab with $200
and then wait for the results.
Oh.
Yeah, you know, I don't
wanna do that, no offense.
It just crosses so many lines
and is, like, super crazy.
Oh. Yeah.
I hadn't thought
about the lines.
So, um...
Could you, like, not tell
Jonah and Amy about this?
Oh, sorry, but I kind of
just think I'm gonna.
Of course.
Yeah, totally get it.
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