Superstore (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Lady Boss - full transcript

[tense music]

So you may have heard about
the new ownership,

but we're still Cloud 9,

Zephra is just
our new parent company.

And just like any time a new
parent comes into the picture,

I'm sure it's gonna be
smooth sailing.

I think it's cool that
Zephra has a lady CEO.

Or should I say "She-E-O"?

You don't need to. No.

The press release says that the
new company's based in California.

Are we all gonna have to start
caring about the environment?



No, the buy-out won't interfere
with you destroying the planet.

Well, I heard
they're turning our stores

into fulfillment centers.

Wait, we're gonna get laid off?

- [sighs]
- [indistinct chatter]

Okay, nobody... no, guys! Guys.

Calm down, it's...
it's all gonna be fine.

Look, Corporate sent
over a memo that says,

"Cloud 9 is excited about
this exciting new chapter

full of exciting possibilities."

An alarming number of times
to say "exciting."

Look, there's no point in
speculating about the future.

So let's just calm down,

and let me get through
shift assignments.



I heard there might be a payout.

- Really?
- Heather, you're in Housewares.

- Well, I wonder how much.
- I heard four grand.

- How?
- Justine just said it.

Rumors travel fast, Garrett.

Elias, if you could please
just float between...

I can't learn Chinese.

Yeah, they're definitely
moving us to China.

- That's what I heard.
- [indistinct chatter]

Grocery and Sporting Goods,

because we're a
little bit short in...

Okay, you know what?

I'm just gonna put these up
in the break room.

They're moving the whole
store to China?

Mm-hmm.

[upbeat music]

So Saint Louis has this program

where you can request
a free tree,

you know to fight climate
change, and I figure we owe one.

Jonah, I cut down one tree
for Christmas purposes.

Well, I kind of already
ordered ten for the parking lot.

We'll have to lose some spaces,

but it'll encourage
public transportation.

Look, I appreciate
your enthusiasm,

but this is just not the week

for me to tear up
the parking lot...

- You don't have to.
- I'll do it.

Or I'll find someone
with a machine.

Look, I know that the union
dying was really hard.

- Not dying, just napping.
- Sure.

A-and I'm really glad
that you're still looking

for something to fight for,

but in the last month there's
been the voter registration,

and the bricks in the toilet
for the water conservation,

and then that poor dog

you rescued
from his own backyard.

That yard was a mess,
and he was skittish.

Yeah, because a stranger
was taking him from his home.

- [sighs]
- It's just...

It's a lot.

Okay, all right, all right.
I get it.

You're busy, and I'm annoying.

No, no, that is not what I...

But if you feel that way,
I mean, I support you stopping.

Hey, Rodriguez,
we have a problem.

I thought I was gonna tell her.

It's my job to report issues
to the manager.

Marcus came to me
with a problem with...

Oh, you're gonna laugh,
but I've forgotten what it was.

Oh, come on.
We're low on produce.

Our distro guy said we haven't
re-upped our contr...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So no new contracts until
the acquisition is finalized,

which means no
produce deliveries,

so today we are
skewing a little husky.

So we should be fine,

but there is a chance
that we may have a problem

when the weekend
kale-heads roll in.

Okay, fine, I'll figure out
who I'm supposed to call,

and I'll call them.

A-and what do I tell my guys?

With deliveries down, everyone's
worried about their jobs.

Just tell 'em that
nothing's gonna change.

Probably.

Emphasize "probably."

It's not reassuring,
but it is honest.

All right.

Garrett, do you mind
if I use your phone?

My bus driver asked to use mine,

and then he put it in his pocket
and drove off.

Sure, yeah.

Oh, hey, I wanted to ask you,
I got your wedding invitation,

and the food options
are savory or sweet?

I was kind of hoping to have
one followed by the other.

Anyway!

It's 2020.

Finally, right?

When did you mail out invites?

Mine hasn't arrived yet.

Oh, that's weird.

You know the post
office; so slow.

Well, I guess it doesn't matter.

You already know my RSVP is yes.

Yay.

[chuckles] I didn't invite
Carol to the wedding.

Yeah, I was able
to piece that together.

But I thought
you guys were cool?

No. I mean...

She's been helping me
with wedding stuff,

but I'm still a little nervous.

I walked in on her
in the bathroom yesterday,

and she was practicing smiling.

Okay, you know what? You're
making too big a deal out of this.

You just need to go
up to her and go,

"Carol, you're not coming
to the wedding."

Wow, what a wordsmith.

You should tell her
exactly like that.

Oh, me? No, I'm not...

You're right.
It just makes sense

since you're Jerry's best man.

Thanks, Garrett.

You don't have to get us
a wedding present.

Telling Carol is
more than enough.

Oh, hey, that's my phone.

- Girl, you're looking hot.
- Oh, my God. I love this.

Slow day at the Vision Center?

I'm avoiding Dan today.

He just saw "Fight Club"

so he's having a really dated
midlife crisis.

Wow. Cool shirts.

I know, right?

Who knew Cloud 9
would ever catch up

to intersectional feminism?

We'll look it up later.
Don't give him the satisfaction.

Although, I do wonder
if there's an opportunity here

to... to kind of make more
of a statement out of this?

Instead of just
makeup and phones,

what if we gave them all
computers, you know?

Or... or... or put them in, like,
a science lab, you know?

You know, like,
Marie Curie and...

I... her gang.

You want to give
mannequins jobs?

Never forget how fun you are, Jonah.

Look, everything is so hectic
with this acquisition,

and I need a floor supervisor,

and you are the obvious choice.

- This is such an honor.
- Oh, God.

I'm getting emotional.

I don't know if it's that music
that you're playing, but...

Oh, I'm just on hold
with Corporate

trying to get more
produce into the store.

Oh, shouldn't be
a problem today.

It's looking really
husky out there.

Right? So husky.

I know.

Anyway, so you can
start right away?

Um, actually, I'm not sure.

It's just that when I
supervise, I stress,

when I stress, I drink juice,

and when I drink juice,
I develop Type 2 diabetes, so...

Could I just think about
it for a little while?

Um, okay, yeah.

Sure, take... some time.

- Okay. All right.
- Okay.

It's funny 'cause Tuesday's
are usually the husky days.

I know.

[automated voice] Thank you
for calling Cloud 9 Corporate.

There are 97 callers
ahead of you.

- [sighs]
- Please continue to hold.

♪ So don't delay, act now,
supplies are running out ♪

♪ Allow if you're still alive,
six to eight years to arrive ♪

Good job on the display.

Oh, thanks. Yeah.

This one's doing
stem cell research.

Which obviously doesn't
matter, but it matters.

Ah, it's great.
T-shirt activism.

Anytime we cash in on a cause,

it always means
cha-ching, cha-ching.

That's a cash register.

Yeah, maybe
it's a little calculated,

but it's... it's promoting
gender equality.

That's... that's a good thing.

- Well, let's take a look.
- Yup, $12.99.

The similar style in
the men's department: $7.99.

Well, the... glitter's probably
pretty expensive.

Oh, wake up, Jonah,
this is the pink tax in action.

Women have to pay more
for clothes, razors, deodorant,

I mean, that's why
I use dog shampoo.

'Cause I know the truth.

But I mean, this is great.

We're gonna sell a ton of these.

You should be very
proud of yourself.

Yeah.

- Whoa, mom, these are cool.
- No, they're not!

We're taking advantage of you.

Not... her.

All... all girls.

♪

- [exhales]
- Whoa, man.

Did you take all those
girly power shirts down?

Oh, yeah. I-it was problematic.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, so much for "nothing's
gonna change," huh?

That new girl CEO
isn't wasting much time.

I... I don't think
there's a connection.

These... these had to be ordered
way before the acquisition.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, could you direct me

to the shirts
that say "boy boss"?

Would you want that shirt?

Yeah, zip that baby up
underneath the coveralls

and feel secretly
powerful all day?

My point is, a lot of
guys around here

feel the same way we do
about this stuff.

We... we don't feel the same
about anything, really.

Hey, you don't
have to be ashamed.

I'm not.

You're fighting the good fight.

Nope, different fight.

- Better fight.
- Same team.

It's not a wig.

Even though we want it
to be a wig, that's pure Carol.

Oh, no, uh, actually,
I got roped in to telling Carol

that she's not invited
to Sandra's wedding.

Of course she isn't.
She's still into Jerry.

You know, maybe breaking
the news to Carol

is more of a maid of honor
kind of thing?

Sure, I'm great
at delivering bad news.

I would've crushed it
as a doctor.

It's terminal!

See?

Informational,
professional, brief.

Hey, Carol, you're not invited
to Sandra's wedding!

I think it just
might be awkward,

'cause of your
history with Jerry.

Oh, that.

That's all in the past.

Sandra and I are besties now.

There's no way
I'm missing that wedding.

I'd rather die.

Press pound and leave
a call back number,

and we'll contact you soon.

Oh, will you?
Will you contact me soon?

Liar.

Oh, oh, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!

Oh! Amy.

Amy Sosa,
sorry I didn't see you there.

Have you made a decision

about the floor
supervisor thing?

I mean, I don't mean to pressure
you, but I could really use the help.

I mean, I'm doing
all this floor work,

and I'm trying to get
through to Corporate...

Well, yes, I've made a decision.

And my decision is...

- What are you?
- Um...

- Glenn, why are you...
- That I...

That... that I need
until end of day!

Sure, take your time!

She didn't believe you?

Look, Sandra, I think maybe
she needs to hear it from you.

Mostly 'cause,
we ain't gonna try again.

We're not.

It's fine.

Carol can go to the wedding,
and Jerry and I won't go.

We can have our own
secret wedding in our apartment

and dance with our cat.

Or maybe there's a slightly
less depressing solution, like,

we get her to do something else
that's better than your wedding.

Like going to a movie.

A really... a really good movie.

Oh, come on, Garrett.

It wouldn't have
to be that good.

[grunts]

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, I just had to show the
other guys what you were doing.

Oh, oh, Marcus,
I already told you, I... I...

Hey, you don't have to front.
Okay, Dan's cool.

I mean, he gets it.

He's got ducks all over
his tie, he's clearly not cool.

Well, they're mallards,
so not just ducks, but yeah.

I get it. You're fighting back
because men are under attack.

By shirts?

Yeah, I mean haven't you noticed

that the entire
women's clothing section

just keeps getting bigger?

And now they got
these rad shirts

that are only made for women?

And they put them right where
the Hawaiian shirts used to be.

I was saving up for one.
I was gonna look so chill.

First the radio silence
from Corporate, and now this?

It's obvious... the new CEO
is gonna clean house

and only let women
work here from now on.

- Well, that would be illegal.
- Exactly!

That's why you have to do
something about it.

Women get enough
special treatment already.

You ever been
in the ladies bathroom?

- There's no pee on the floor.
- None.

Okay, guys, settle down.

I mean, I get
that the acquisition

and the bathroom floor

might have everybody
a little bit on edge,

but I mean, everybody gets
that you guys matter.

We're all good.

You're right. Guys do matter.

♪

Gotta say, your new cause is unexpected.

Look, this was just kind of
a spiraling situation.

This one just says bacon.

Is that their stance? Bacon?

Yeah, they were really
proud of that one.

It wasn't why I was doing it,

but I really tapped
into something here.

These guys are really freaked
out about the acquisition.

Yeah, everybody's freaked out.

It's a freaky time.

Just tell 'em to take it down
and get back to work.

But that'd kinda just be like
a Band-Aid, wouldn't it?

Yeah, Band-Aids heal things.

Why does everybody
hate Band-Aids?

Things are going to bubble up

if we don't actually address

- the problem here.
- Oh, God.

Maybe, instead,
we should make them feel

like they're actually
being heard.

Give them a voice, you know?

Try and get to the root of
what's actually bothering them.

I gotta be honest,
that sounds awful.

- What if I change their mind?
- Jonah.

- Come on.
- Give me a chance.

Please, please,
give me a chance.

Just one chance. Amy.

Okay, fine, I will call a meeting.

- Yes!
- Thank you so much.

Why are the Hawaiian
shirts out again?

Because it's my time, Amy.

Carol, so, um...

I ended up buying these tickets

to Whitney Houston's
hologram tour,

but they're on
the same day as my wedding.

Do you want 'em?

No, thanks.

I liked Whitney as an actor,

but as a singer, not so much.

That's so lucky,
because this is a tour

of her hologram just acting out
scenes from movies.

Anyway, here,
I'll save you some cake.

Sandra,

did Dina and Garrett
put you up to this?

Wh... what? No.

I mean, they might have...

They're trying
to control your wedding.

They told me I'm not invited.

Can you believe that?

Carol, this isn't easy
for me to say,

but you're...

Right.

They probably tricked me.

That's probably what happened.

Yeah.

Okay, thank you
everybody for coming!

It has recently come
to my attention

that there are some men in
the store who have some issues

you would like to discuss.

What do men
have to complain about?

Their beauty standers
are way lower,

their clothes are designed
for comfort,

and they never had to watch
"Sex in the City."

That is a good point, Dina.

It does sort of feel society
is set up by and for men,

and that any complaint really
just sounds like whining...

is what I hear Dina saying.

Yeah, okay, hey, you know what?

Why don't we set
some ground rules

so that everyone feels like they've
got a safe space that they can...

Nope, nope. I'm not saying squat
in anything called a "safe space."

What if we call it
"the Octagon."

- Aw, hell yeah.
- There you go.

- Yeah, yeah.
- What does that mean?

- Yeah, whatever they wanna...
- Okay, yeah, fine.

Welcome to the Octagon.

Welcome to the Octagon!

And just to be clear:

you will not be judged
here in the Octagon.

Right? Just want to make sure I'm safe.

["Angel of the Morning"
by Juice Newton plays]

♪ Just call me angel
of the morning ♪

♪ Angel ♪

♪ Just touch my cheek ♪

So I'm paying,

and then my wife comes
up and tickles me

right in front of my mechanic.

[grumbling]

And she knew what she was doing.

Thank you, so much, Dan,
for sharing, um, but...

perhaps going forward,
we could all focus on...

on the issues that we have
here at... at work.

Well, it affects my work.

- It does.
- It really does.

Amy, do you want
to weigh in here?

No, I think it's okay for you
to run this one by yourself.

Okay, great. Great, great.

Uh, gentlemen,
it sounds to me like, uh,

a lot of these frustrations

stem from a sense
of powerlessness.

Which historically,

has been something that women
have had to deal contend with.

Yeah, but they're
not powerless anymore.

I mean, Amy and Dina run
the frickin' store.

And now the new CEO?

All men have left
are the NFL and the country.

- That's right!
- Yeah!

- [grumbling and chatter]
- Guys, look,

feminism can exist
without this feeling

that something is being taken
away from you, you know?

And... and... and honestly,

if you listen to...
to what the women are saying...

What? What are the women
saying, Jonah?

Right, yes, yeah, yeah.
That's a good... that's a good point.

I think we should probably hear
a few more, uh, female voices.

I'll give you a female voice. My wife:

"Do this, do that.
Ugh, I'm Donna!"

[men laughing]

[laughing] I know I'm not
being a very good feminist

right now, but I've met his
wife, and that was spot on.

Personally, I'm not a feminist.

- What?
- Yeah, I just think that men and women

should be treated equally.

Yeah, Cheyenne,
that's what feminism means.

Oh, well, now I wish
I was a feminist.

Okay, I've heard
what you all are saying,

um, but as a father
of a daughter...

Listen up, ladies,
father of a daughter talking.

Thank you.

Of course I want the world
to be better for Rose,

but I want it to stay
the same for me.

Is that too much to ask?

- That's all I want.
- [indistinct chatter]

Yes, that's the problem.

Okay, okay, okay!

This is great, this is healthy,
this is... this is...

we're... we're dialoguing. Okay.

Yeah, it feels kinda good.

I mean, you know,
I know I say I'm mad,

but the truth is, I'm scared.

I need this job.

My wife would leave me
if I couldn't provide for her,

and I don't blame her.

Yes, yes, yes,
this is store 1217.

Ozark Highlands.

- Oh, my God.
- Are you on the phone?

Uh, just give me
one second, please.

- Amy.
- Yeah, I've been on hold all day long,

just trying to get an answer
to your question, actually.

This man has dumped his guts
out all over the floor,

and you're on the phone.

Guys, she is not
listening to us.

We need to make her listen!

♪ We're not gonna take it,
no, we ain't gonna take it ♪

♪ We're not gonna
take it anymore ♪

Hey, guys, I'm pretty sure
there are some sections

in the store that need covering.

Hey, Marcus, put some pants on.

I bet you wouldn't say that
if I was a woman

wearing my underwear.

Uh, yeah I would.

Sorry, I meant, uh, a woman
wearing her own underwear.

Like, "my underwear."

Like, "I'm a woman,
wearing women's underwear."

- Okay, just stop.
- No, you're making this weird.

- No, you're making it weird.
- Just touch my underwear.

Okay, I know that this looks
bad, but I have an idea...

- No.
- No, no, just hear me out...

No. No! No more.

I have bent over backwards

all day long to make
men feel comfortable.

- These guys, Glenn, you.
- Me?

Yes, you.

Jonah, I wasted my
afternoon in that meeting

just to go along
with your new cause,

and I know you feel bad
about the union,

and I'm sorry about that,

but making men feel
better is not my job!

Okay, calm...

up, you... come up
with the best ideas.

This ends now.

[sighs]

But first, can you sneak me a burger?

With cheese.

So I've been doing
some thinking,

and I want Carol
to be my co-maid of honor.

- And you're good with this?
- Uh-huh.

Why are you looking at Carol?

- I'm not.
- You are.

Do you not feel
your eyes moving?

What's wrong with your head?

I'm good with this.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I'm gonna make sure
this wedding is unforgettable.

Ah, it's not the worst idea.

I mean, she's clearly
more invested than I am.

- We can go now.
- Okay.

- This way.
- Oh, this way.

- [sighs]
- Oh, nice to have you, man.

Didn't think you'd come on over.

Yeah, I had a change of heart.

I got tired of all the guff.

Okay, guys, so enough's enough!

Back to work!

- [laughing]
- Yeah, right.

Excuse me, I don't work for you,

and we don't have to listen
to women anymore, right?

We could have a second glass
of wine with dinner if we want.

- Yep.
- Yeah!

Wow, uh, anybody else?
Glenn, you... you look like you...

were you about to say something?

I wanna say something!

Amy, us men of the store

are tired of taking orders
from a woman.

- Men: Yeah!
- He's right.

And I think it's time
that a man was in charge here.

- Hell yeah it is!
- Men: Yeah!

Huh, you know,
that's a good point.

You could finally make
a man floor supervisor.

Yeah, Amy,

I insist that you make me
floor supervisor.

It's high time that a man
was third in charge here.

I was floor supervisor.

Third in charge again,
as one was recently!

[clapping and agreement]

It's not enough.

It's something, besides
my legs are really cold.

Hey, guys, I did get the shirt.

Yes, but I mean,
is this what everyone wanted?

My kid's in a play.

All right, fine, okay,
all right, fine, go ahead.

Okay Amy, we'll take it.

Okay, then I guess from now on

you all answer to Glenn. A man.

[all cheer]

Who will report to me and it's
a victory for men everywhere.

Now get back to work.

Good dialoguing.

I feel like you really
moved the needle today guys.

Oh my god you guys!
I've been reading about feminism

Did you know that women
make less money than men?

Wow.

That is [bleep] up.