Superstore (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - New Initiative - full transcript

Today is the start of a
brand-new corporate initiative:

"Going the Extra Smay-zle!"

- A couple questions.
- Mm-hmm.

What is a smayzle,
how do you go the extra one,

and what if you probably weren't going

the standard amount
of smayzles to begin with?

I... well, Dina?

Uh, I think it's supposed
to be "Going the Extra Smile,"

'cause that rhymes with "mile"

- and we have "aisles."
- One interpretation.

Basically they just want
everyone to start



making small talk with the customers.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun!

You just put on your best
Cloud 9 smile...

And then talk about whatever.

You know, ask them about their purchases

or ask about their Thanksgiving plans.

Oh, you can talk about your pets.

Does that include exotic pets?

Oh, Sandra, for the last time.

There's nothing exotic
about a cat with dementia.

The point is,

human connection is what sets
us apart from online retailers.

That's our secret weapon.

Oh, so this is how corporate
plans on taking down Amazon?



By having Sandra
talk about her dying cat?

He has plenty of time.

Ugh. I hate making
small talk with old people.

It's always a two-hour fiasco
about their children

or what race they're worried
about getting robbed by.

It's so weird how they always
have the most time to talk,

and yet, the least time to live.

Mm.

- Rock-paper-scissors?
- Yeah.

Boom! Have fun.

Fine.

- Hi.
- Hi.

This lady is going to be
helping you out today.

- Okay, thank you.
- Oh, thank you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

How are you doing today?

- Oh, I'm great.
- Good.

We're in town visiting our son.

- He's in medical school.
- That's lovely.

You wouldn't believe
some of his stories.

I'm just going to give you the top ten.

Ah, that is a fantastic drill
you're looking at.

Yeah. What's the difference
between this one and the F590?

Uh, you know, well,

they... they both have
their pros and cons.

You know, this one is red,

so that's a plus...

if you like red.

It also drills, like, super deep holes.

Uh, or... or less deep, you know,

if you just don't push
it in all the way.

Hello there.

I just wanted to say
thank you for supporting

local retail instead of shopping online.

To be honest, I probably
would've bought this on Amazon,

- but I needed it today.
- Ah.

Oh, you know they have
same-day delivery, right?

Okay, nobody asked you.

Don't you have to pay for Prime?

- Ah!
- Oh, it's totally worth it.

You get free shipping
plus movies, music.

We... we've got music.

Go check out our CD selection.

It's all on clearance.

Wait, what are you doing?
Don't... don't put it back.

No, I don't want it anymore.

Well, too late.
You touched it, you bought it.

Yup, yup. It's pretty comfortable.

But is it supportive?

He's on his feet
all day at the hospital.

Did I mention he's in medical school?

Mm-hmm, you did. Quite a few times.

Uh, my hand just touched your leg,

but didn't mean anything.

I know.

You know, my cousin
deep-fried a turkey last year,

but he didn't thaw it completely.

Huge explosion.

Bunch of his face just melted clean off.

He's had to have a ton of surgeries.

We keep telling him he looks
good as new, but

really, he kind of looks like one of
those baseball mitts from the 1920s.

Anyway, be safe. Gobble-gobble.

Is that your idea
of going the extra smile?

Talking about your cousin with no lips?

Uh, he has lips.

They used them to reshape his eyebrows.

You know, forget it.

This is a stupid initiative anyway.

Hey, I'm there with you.

I do not like small talk,

and I hate smiling
all day like an idiot.

Yeah, well it's harder
for you with that weak face.

"Weak face"? How is my face weak?

I don't know, it's just not strong.

- It's as strong as yours.
- Oh, please.

I have complete musculofascial control.

When I was seven,
I corrected my own lazy eye.

I could out-smile you any day.

Okay, whatever.

- Do you want to make a bet?
- No.

Yeah, that would be stupid anyway.

I mean, how would we even test it?

See who could smile the longest,

but I don't see how we'd enforce that.

It'd have to be the honor system.

Yeah, the honor system would work, but

why would we even do it?
What're we doing it for?

- Uh, a nice bottle of Scotch?
- I like Scotch.

So do I.

I guess we're doing this?

- I guess so.
- On three.

One, two, three.

God, you have a creepy smile.

So this one, if I'm
remembering correctly,

has a metal half-ratcheting chuck

for superior bit-gripping strength.

Yeah... oh, there it is, right there.

I was right.

One question is...

Are these backwards compatible

with the older generation
18-volt batteries?

- 'Cause I'm installing a...
- Guess how he scored on his...

- Oh, God.
- An AC unit in my shed,

and when it comes down to...
I don't know. 1,600?

Oh, okay. Oh, God.

1,600?

Scores only go to 528. That's it.

- Jonah?
- Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

Oh, how do you know...

This is who we're visiting.

It's our son who's in medical school.

No... no, no. This is...

Hi! Hi, I'm Jonah.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh.

So, uh, just to clarify,
this is your son?

- Right.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

And... and how long have you
been in medical school?

I'm a third year.

Wow. Three years.

That's... wow.

Listen, do you carry men's briefs?

We need a men's small or a boys' husky.

Okay, you know what?
I think we can probably

just find it on our own, so thank you

so much for all of your help,

uh, kind madam.

Okay, uh... thank you.

Children's underwear in aisle 12.

Hi, I need to return this.

It was a... anniversary present
for my wife,

but... I don't need it anymore.

Oh, you know what?

We don't take back
engraved jewelry. Sorry.

Is there anything you can do?
It was really expensive,

and now I've got to pay for a divorce

and I don't have a job anymore

because her new boyfriend
is my now-ex-boss.

Yikes, that's rough.

It's not funny. I'm going through hell.

My life is literally hell.

Hey, man, I don't think it's funny,

I'm just in this contest...

Yeah, screw you!

Um...

I don't need this dog collar anymore.

Did he... grow out of it?

Mm-mm.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, Dr. Simms.
Where are Richard and Marilyn?

Uh, I told them I needed
a new 13-pin phone charger,

so that should confuse
them for a little bit.

Uh, look, I know this may all
seem a little weird...

Insane. Cuckoo Bananas.

Okay, uh, long story short:

I dropped out of business school,

my parents kept asking me
what my plan was,

and I didn't want to tell them
I was working at Cloud 9...

that's not a judgment on working here.

It's just my parents have
really high expectations.

That's so weird.
It was my parent's dream

that I would stock shelves
for a living one day.

Anyway, I told them that I was thinking

about going to medical school,
which I was... kind of,

and then one thing led to another

and now I'm doing
my rotation in hematology.

And what is hematology?

I think it's...
uh, it's the study of blood...

or not... mm, not blood itself,
but, like, the vessels or...

I don't know. I have to Google it again.

Got it. So they're in electronics?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait, wait, wait.

You're... you're not going
to say anything, are you?

Oh, come on. Give me some credit.

I'm not going to out you
to your parents.

- Okay.
- But I do think

it would be highly irresponsible
to let them leave

without getting more
embarrassing childhood stories.

Ideally, they have photos.

No, no, that's... you don't need to...

Hello there. How's your day going?

Fine.

Wow, you've got quite
the full cart, huh?

You got a shovel, a tarp,
and some duct tape and...

kitchen knives and garbage bags...

and a saw?

Whoo. Big Thanksgiving plans?

Just a small dinner with my mom.

We have a lot of catching up to do.

Where do you keep your bleach?

I think we're actually out of bleach.

It's fine. I'll get it online.

No!

Wait, we... we have bleach.
It's aisle nine.

You've been very helpful.

Thank you.

His older brothers convinced
him it was a nude pool.

And so everyone at the Radisson
saw his tiny little tush.

His tiny tush?

Okay, well, everybody's tush
was tiny at that age, so...

He was so embarrassed that he
tried to hide under the water

until everyone left, and he...
He almost drowned.

Jonah was always almost drowning.

- True.
- It was a cry for attention.

Okay guys, I don't think
the nice sales lady

needs to hear all of this.

You know, actually, the more
I know about your life,

the more able I am
to direct you to items

that would assist
you in your living space.

I don't see how that's helpful.

Well, you've never worked retail, so...

Well, he's in medical school.

- He is.
- Mm-hmm.

So, tell me about extracurriculars.

I'm thinking
captain of the football team?

Not exactly.

Just the opposite.

Really? I would have never guessed that.

Excuse me, do you know
anything about drills?

Oh, God, no. Ew.

Um, Dina?

You know how you always tell us

not to leave the Sudafed case open,

especially when teens are around,

'cause one of them might distract you

with skateboard tricks
and all of their friends

will come and steal all the Sudafed?

Well, that happened.

What? Are you serious?

Guess it is kind of funny.

I was so scared that you'd be mad at me.

No, I am mad. You're an idiot.

"You're an idiot! I'm so angry!"

I love our jokey "I hate you",

"but I really love you" back-and-forth.

No, this is not a joke.
I really, really hate you.

I "hate" you too.

He would brush the hair

of these strange horse figurines

hour after hour, and then
when we'd take them away,

he'd start crying.

- Oh.
- He was always crying.

Hey! I am so glad to see that
you're engaging with customers,

but I need you to go
empty the rat traps.

- They're overflowing with...
- Okay, I will get on it.

- No, I was talking...
- No, Glenn, I want to do it.

- Why?
- Because...

I love it.

Okay. Knock yourself out.

Um, if she's doing the rats,

then I need you to go clean
the men's washroom.

Someone did not make it to the
toilet in an explosive way.

Excuse me, why are you telling him

that he should clean the bathroom?

Because I'm the one who did it,

uh, and you caught me red-handed,

so I'm gonna go ahead
and take care of that

and see you guys at home.

- Wait, do you know each other?
- We're his parents.

Oh... oh, my!

Oh, it's... It's so nice to meet you.

We have a lot of employees
go through this store...

Glenn!

But it has been such a pleasure...

Oh!

Ow!

Why?

I'm sorry.

You were about to give away his secret,

and I didn't know how else to stop you.

So you pegged me in the face with a yam?

Why didn't you just shout, "Hey Glenn",

I really need to talk to you?"

'Cause that wouldn't have worked.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, so, uh, let me explain.

- I already told him.
- Yeah, I don't get it though.

Why are you lying to your
parents about working here?

I just... I didn't want
to disappoint them.

Why would your parents be disappointed

about you working at Cloud 9?

No I... Th-they, they, they, well...

Because they're crazy people.
Their expectations are insane.

- Yeah.
- They wouldn't have been happy

unless he was president.

- Yeah.
- That's ridiculous.

You're too short to be president.

Even Jimmy Carter was 5'10".

It's a good point.

Glenn, do you mind if I clock out early

so I can leave with them?

- Sure, I guess.
- Thank you so much.

And why did you throw it at my face?

Why didn't you just throw
it at my legs or my chest?

Because it had to be the face.

Yeah, I know.

It's too bad, 'cause that really hurt.

So you've just been lying to
your parents for three years?

You're a psycho.
You're, like, psychotic.

It's like...

- Psycho much?
- He's not a psycho.

He's just a wuss who's
still afraid of his parents.

What are they going to do, take
you off their cell phone plan?

I'm not on their plan.

We're on a shared family plan,

which actually saves them money.

And you guys are telling me none of
you have ever lied to your parents?

I once stole money from my mom,

and then I broke a window
and flushed her jewelry

down the toilet to make it
look like a robbery.

- Hmm.
- I used to tell my parents

I was meeting friends at Imo's Pizza,

but really, I was eating
alone at Imo's Pizza.

My parents still think I'm straight.

Really?

What? I could be straight.

Oh, my God, a football.

Throw!

But at some point, aren't you gonna
have to tell them you work here?

Not necessarily

I mean, why upset them
when I'm not going to be here

that much longer anyway?

Oh, where are you going?

I don't know, but it's not like
I'm going to be here forever, you know.

This is all temporary.

Oh. It's all temporary.

No, no, not at all, no, I...

there are definitely parts
of this job that I really like.

I just don't know
where my life is going.

- Cool.
- That's not... I...

I have to go put bait in the rat traps.

- No, you don't have...
- I love it.

I hate to see her go,
but I love looking at her butt.

See? This is easy for me.

Garrett, hey.

Hey, Tiffany! Wow. Long time no see.

Yeah, it's been, like,
three and a half years.

Wow, really? That long.
What have you been up to?

Well, mostly raising this little guy.

Garrett, this is Jaylen.
Jaylen, this is your daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

So you tracked down my ex-girlfriend
who I haven't seen in years

and paid her to say
I was the father of her child

just so I would momentarily stop smiling

and you could win a stupid bet?

Hey, when I play, I play hard.

Huh. Okay.
All right, let's do this then.

Someday, all the birds
you have are gonna die.

Doesn't bother me.

You're bad at sex,
and your penis is weird.

Really?

Yeah, every time we had sex,
I was horny again by noon.

Interesting. Interesting.

I just don't want to pay for two boxes
of crackers when I only bought one.

It was 1987. Please, can we let it go?

- After lunch?
- Hey, um, we're leaving, so...

Yes, thank you for all the help.

Yeah, we told the cashier

that you helped us, so...

Great, well, we don't
work on commission,

but I appreciate it.
Have a heavenly day.

- No, wait, Amy.
- No, I think her name

- is Gabriella.
- No, no, no, no, Mom.

Actually, it's Amy.

Um, she switches her name tag
all the time, and I know that...

Jonah, you don't have to do this.

Because I work here.

What?

He does.

Yup, he works in the café all the time.

He brings his med books,
and he studies...

No, no, no that's... that's not true.

I have been working here as
an employee for three years.

This is my job.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just a lot to process.

Oh!

It's okay.

Listen, we're gonna get through this.

Okay, Mom, uh, people are staring.

Could you...

Look, we just want what's
going to make you happy,

and if managing this
store makes you happy,

then we're happy.

Oh, I'm... I'm not the manager.

I'm just a floor worker.

I'm just gonna sit for a second.

This is hard to watch.

Mm, I know, right?

There is no easy way to say
this so, here it goes.

You're fired.

- I'm so... what?
- Yup.

You are grossly incompetent
and unpleasant to be around,

so why don't you just go be a doctor

or something else great.

Okay, I... I see what you're doing here.

No, I said get out of here, Jonah!

Go chase your dreams and let
imagination be your guide.

Glenn, um...

I appreciate whatever this is,

but you don't have
to worry about me, okay?

I'm... I'm staying.

Okay.

But I know that things have been rocky

between you and your parents lately,

so if you need a father figure...

No, that's... thank you, thank you.

I really... that's kind, but, um,
I'm okay.

- You sure?
- Yup.

Because we could go out back
and throw a ball around or...

That's... that's okay.

Hey, um...

listen, don't be too mad at Jonah.

I mean, if you think about it,

he wants to please you so much

that he spent three years
constantly lying to you.

That's got to make you feel good.

Yeah, not really, no. Mm-mm.

Well, look, he was lying about his job,

not about who he is.

He's a good person. That is real.

You know what? She's right.

I mean, if he's happy and
Natalie is okay with it...

- Well...
- We should be happy too.

- You're right.
- Natalie?

Who's Natalie?

His fiancée.

His fiancée?

Oh, I didn't know...

uh, and how long has...
has he been fiancée'd?

Well, um, they've been dating

- about three years now.
- Three years.

- Three years?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow, that's... that's... that's as long

as I've known him. Um...

I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm very weirded out

that I have never met her.

- Well...
- Well, we haven't either.

She's always off somewhere filming.

No, she's an actress.

Have you seen "The Garden States"?

- "Garden State"?
- Mm-hmm.

Natalie...

I'm sorry, what's her last name?

Portman.

- Portman?
- Mm-hmm.

- Natalie Portman.
- Right.

Jonah told you that he's
engaged to Natalie...

Natalie Portman, mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

He was lying.
He was lying about that too.

- Oh...
- No, I don't... I don't know.

I knew it was weird. I knew it.

I read in that magazine article

that she was married to some dancer.

You know what? Actually,
now that I am thinking about it

I have seen Natalie in our store.

And she was all up on Jonah.

Now... now I get it.
It totally makes sense.

It was so nice meeting you people.

Well...

that explains why she wouldn't
hug me in the airport that time.

Who have I been emailing? Who?

Do you ever think about all the things

you can't do 'cause
you're in a wheelchair?

Sometimes I do. Sometimes I do.

But you know what?

Your sister Denise
is a lot prettier than you.

And that's why your mom gave
her the grandfather clock.

Hmm. You may have a point.

Do you ever think about

how no one's ever going to love you

and you're going to die alone?
'Cause personally,

I think you are going to die alone.

Oh. Well, speaking of alone,

remember that time when you were a kid

and your dad abandoned
you at a gas station?

Yup. Mm-hmm.

- It's hard to forget.
- Yeah.

- Why are we doing this?
- It's a bet.

This is fun.

So, yeah, no, I told my mom
I was "going to a movie

with Natalie Portman", and
she thought I was seeing

a movie with Natalie Portman,

And she was so happy and proud.

And she believed you,
which is the weirdest part

because you are so out of her league.

I am. I'm completely out of her league.

Well, no more secrets.

Except, of course...

Yes, no, obviously.

I mean, we don't...
you know, just until...

- we know...
- Right, I mean, we...

we wouldn't want anybody to...

to...

Hey, guys, uh...

so Jonah and I have kinda been dating.

Okay.

Hasn't that been going on for a while?

No... well, yes, but we'd
been keeping it secret.

Now we're... announcing it.

Yep.

So what do you want from us?

- Nothing.
- We just thought you'd...

Never mind.

Okay.

Are we doing announcements?
I lost my favorite pen.

It's a blue pen. The ink is also blue.

- Click or cap?
- Click.

On it.

Wow. I gotta say that was underwhelming.

Yeah, I thought
that'd be so much bigger.