Superstore (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Delivery Day - full transcript

Hey guys, we're heading to the
hospital to have the baby.

Oh, my God. Are you in labor?

No, but the baby's a week
late so we are inducing

and it's no fault of Dina's

that she did not
deliver on schedule.

Yeah, well, by the way you
only paid me for 40 weeks

so I will be charging
you overtime.

Well, when I don't get
a package on time

the shipping company gives
me a refund and an apology.

Anyway, you all have
my cell phone number

but only call if it
is a true emergency



like a fire, or a big
storm, or a robbery, okay?

What if a celebrity comes in
the store like Alec Baldwin,

or Billy Baldwin,
or Stephen Baldwin?

It doesn't matter
which Baldwin...

you don't need to call.
Just enjoy.

Uh, Glenn, can I give you a call

if I really, really, miss you?

Aww, of course you can.

Any other questions? Yes?

Do you have any
room in your car?

I think maybe my
water just broke.

- All: Oh!
- Oh, my God.

No, no. You're not due
for another three weeks.

Oh yeah, that's right.
Never mind.



Thanks a lot, Amy. You
got it on my shoes.

Oh, no, those shoes
were so cool.

'Kay, come on. Let's
get to the hospital.

- I'm gonna get your stuff.
- Thank you.

Oh, what?

See Dina? Amy had
her baby early.

Was that so hard?

- You're such a kiss-ass.
- I didn't choose today.

♪

Okay, I got your fluffy socks,
your cellphone charger,

also got a copy of "Us Weekly"
in case you wanted to see

a four-page spread of
Gwen Stefani pumping gas.

Ah, I love it when they
pump their own gas.

Hey, Amy!

Look quick... I see a
hummingbird out my window.

- Do you see it?
- Uh-huh.

I don't think you're
really looking.

- I am.
- What color is it?

Green?

Yeah, okay. It's nice, right?

So nice.

Okay, uh, you seem to be all
set, so I guess I'm gonna go?

- Oh.
- I mean, I don't have to.

- I'm fine staying here...
- No, no, no, no.

Or if you want me
to stay I can...

- You can go if...
- You tell me

what you want me to do.

Um, well, I mean,

I don't want you to feel
like you have to stay,

but I don't want you to
feel like you can't stay.

Okay, cool, so then I'll just...

Sorry, still no idea.

I think I want you here,
but, like, not here-here.

Just like, around.

You know how like at
The Cheesecake Factory

they give you a buzzer and
you just have to stay

within a certain radius?

Buzzer radius, got it. Okay.
So, yeah, I'll just stay

in the general vicinity at
an appropriate distance

for a guy you're dating
who is not the father.

Oh! The father. I
should tell Adam.

Yeah.

♪ My eyes become large ♪

♪ And the light that you
shine can be seen ♪

That makes no sense.
You would get sick.

I'm not saying you
wouldn't get sick.

I'm just saying that
every arrangement

is technically an
edible arrangement.

Glenn, today is all about Dina.

If she wants to eat the flowers,

let her eat the flowers.

Knock-knock. Hi.

I'm Dr. Sidian, I'm the
attending on the floor.

Holy crap.

I know Dr. Meyer is on her
way, but in case you guys

need anything before
she gets here,

- I'm around.
- Yeah.

Any questions, pain
meds, perfect martini.

Martini.

Shaken, not stirred, Mr. Bond.

That's Dr. Bond.

- Oh, wow, yes!
- I'm around. Give me a call.

Yeah, he's an attractive man.

I think we should switch to Dr.
Sidian.

No, but we've been seeing Dr.
Meyer for nine months.

Yeah, I just feel more
comfortable with this guy.

Honestly, I was never a Dr.
Meyer fan.

I didn't want to say anything
but during one of our exams

she was accidentally looking
into my butt the whole time.

I think she got confused,

and I felt bad correcting her.

Glenn, this is about
Dina and her needs.

If she feels more comfortable
with this doctor,

then that's all that matters.

Fine, we'll go with Doctor
Stranger-we-just-met.

Thank you, Jerusha.
Also, for my comfort,

would you be able to
go to my apartment

and get this camisole?

It's silky, very sheer,

and also my make-up bag?

- Sure, whatever you need.
- Thanks.

Oh, and honey, watch
out for the bird.

She has a falcon now.

- Ah, will do.
- Okay.

- And grab a push-up bra!
- Okay!

We parked this way.

Oh, my God! All right,
yeah, awesome, great.

I've just gotta drop off
my friend Steve at karate

and I will be right there.
Which hospital?

Uh, Mercy Vale Medical
Center, room...

417.

417.

Was that Jonah?

Uh, um, yes?

That... that is Jonah.
He's here...

and so is Glenn.

And Dina. The whole... the
whole funky bunch is here.

I gotta go, I'll see you soon.
Okay, bye.

So Adam doesn't know about us?

No, because I... I... I
didn't want to tell him.

Oh. Okay.

I mean, not... not... not because
we're doing something wrong.

It's just that, um...

Just didn't seem like
that big of a deal.

Oh, okay, well that
makes me feel better.

Okay, I'm having everybody
sign two cards.

One for Amy and the whole
Glenn, Dina, Jerusha mess.

I thought the butterflies was
perfect for Amy because,

you know, she's entering
a new phase in her life

and this one has balloons
because, you know, Glenn.

Little more information
than I need, but...

Thank you. "Happy 0th birthday."

Cute.

Wait, wait. Hold up.
What's wrong with that?

Oh, nothing. This is fine.
It's funny.

I mean, I wasn't, you know...

I was just going off
the top of my head.

I wasn't trying to be, like,
hilarious or anything.

Okay.

You know, I'm gonna take
another look at it.

Up to you. Just pass it
along when you're done.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Nah.

Hi, can I get the
dad's insurance card?

- Oh, no, he's not the dad.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't
mean, "He's not the dad,"

like I was having an affair

and got knocked
up by some rando.

I just mean that the
man I had sex with,

he is the father of this baby.

I understand.

I'm not a nurse but
we take a class.

The reason I'm asking is we
don't accept your insurance.

What?

Oh, but her coworker's having
a baby in the next room

and you take their insurance.

Well, looks like they're
on a different plan.

They have health shield bronze
and what you have is different.

And by different you mean...?

Worse. It's worse.

Of course. Corporate takes
care of the managers

and the rest of us
get the scraps.

Can we please not do
all of that right now?

So, you could pay out of pocket,

but the room is about
two grand a night.

Whoa.

Or there's a clinic nearby
that accepts your insurance.

Okay, and the clinic
is good, right?

It's been there for years.

That didn't answer my question.

Oh, God.

Can I finish complaining about
healthcare inequality now?

No.

Can't believe my baby's going
to be born in a hospital

that looks like an escape room.

I... I like it here. That
other hospital was snobby.

This is, um... you know,
this is down to Earth.

It's connected to the community.
It's diverse.

I don't want diverse right now.

I want to be in the hospital

where only rich white people go.

I want to feel
deeply uncomfortable

that I'm the only
brown person there.

We just have to make
the best of it, okay?

Honestly, you look around,
it's kinda roomy once you...

Oh, my God.

Uh, hi, sorry. I'm Jonah.
This... this is...

Is she sleeping with
her eyes open or...

Yes, let's go with that.

Ah.

Hey Garrett, do you
have the baby cards?

I need to sign them.

Yeah, I'm just putting the
finishing touches on it.

Oh, boy. Mr. Hilarious at work.

What are you writing?

Um, well, you are about to see.

Ah, I love the creative process.

I bet it's gonna be so funny.
Here we go.

I can't even imagine all the
ideas in your head right now.

I bet even the bad
ones are genius.

Yup, uh-huh, but you know, I
just need to concentrate.

Okay, oh, boy.

You are really cooking
up something good.

I can smell the creative juices.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Your hours must be
pretty crazy, huh?

All those late night pages

putting a real strain
on the marriage.

I'm not married.

Oh, wow. Didn't realize we
were getting so personal.

I'm not married either,
so, something in common.

Well, I am married,
but I wish I wasn't

'cause then I could hit
on this bodacious babe.

Glenn, that hurts my feelings.

Oh, no, it's for Dina.

She really likes him.

Oh.

You know, I've never been
with a woman before,

but I would switch
over for Dina.

Well, not happening. I'm, uh...
I'm very straight.

I'm gonna check your cervix now.

Oh, man am I jealous
of you, buddy.

♪ And she's loving
him with that body ♪

♪ I just know it, and he's
holding her in his arms ♪

This is a funny card.

Huh?

"Congrats on your
new bundle of joy.

If you'd like to name them
after me, that's cool."

Pretty funny, right?

That card's blank.

Just, is it funny or not?

I guess it was cute.

Cute.

Are you still working
on the cards?

Just write anything.

They're just going to
throw it away anyway.

No, I'm gonna sign
the damn cards.

Hey, do you guys sell

interfaith wedding
cards for dogs?

That's a contraction, right?

- Yep.
- Okay.

Just assume today that
anytime I make this face

and these noises
it's a contraction.

Yeah, got it. Got it.

Where is the doctor?
This is crazy.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna page him.

Oh. It just kinda
fell into darkness.

It's fine, it's fine,
it's totally fine.

Women have been birthing
for thousands of years

in all kinds of
disgusting places.

In the woods, in caves,
with wolves and coyotes

lurking to eat them
and their young.

I'm in a hospital; I at
least have a blanket.

And that is an old Band-Aid.

Okay, that's... that's it.

I'm gonna pay for
the nice hospital.

What?

No, I can... I can afford it
between what I have in my bank

and my credit cards.

No, I'm not gonna
let you do that.

Why? Why not?

Because, that's just, like...
We're not really at the...

no, that's... it's weird.
But thank you.

Okay, all right, well
that's one vote for no,

one vote for yes, uh,

why don't we have your
roommate break the tie?

Okay, let's go, but
I'm paying you back.

Oh, it's so clean
and comfortable.

And the air smells so
good, and these pillows.

This is an unbelievable pillow.

We should come back here.

I'm glad you're happy.

Hello, again.

Hey, girl. So glad to be back.

Okay, and as far as
the payment goes?

Yes, um, Jonah? Pay
the nice lady.

Right, okay, so if you could put
$500 on each of these cards

and then I'll write you a
check for the other $1,000.

Okay, and how would you
like to pay for the rest?

The... you said it was $2,000?

Yes, for the room, but then
you have delivery doctor,

lab fees, anesthesia.

Altogether you're looking
at about $20,000.

For one baby?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God.

So, I'll let you two figure out

what you want to do,
although, well you know.

Guess we're going
back to the clinic.

You're taking the pillow?

You mean the pillow that
I brought from home?

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Okay, so we need to come
up with one good message

that's from all of us.

What's wrong with the ones
that we already wrote?

Uh, well, a lot of
them were offensive.

And I'm not gonna
name any names,

but it was Carol.

What?

I wrote, "Welcome to the world."

Mm-hmm, yeah, the world

that's full of
violence and racism

so, welcome to
violence and racism.

Nice, Carol.

Nice job, Carol.

You know I can fit 40
cherries in my mouth?

Any more than that
and I throw up.

Okay, then don't do that.

So, baby's fine. It's in a
transverse position, though.

It's sideways. I thought
I could turn it

but we're gonna have
to do a C-section.

- Oh, goodness.
- Oh.

Surgery. Where you,
uh, cut me open, huh?

Uh, nope. Actually, this way.

Oh. East/West situation.

- That's correct.
- Okay.

I had an aunt who
tore from her anus

all the way up to the front.

So...

Oh, God. I should have
just done this at home.

My Aunt delivered her
baby in her Jacuzzi

and he turned out fine.

No, actually he sucks. His
parents are Jacuzzi people.

Okay, just... just breathe.
You're doing great.

Ahhhhhh.

That's right, just pick
a point in the room

and focus on it, okay?

- Okay.
- No, no, no. Not the corpse.

Not the corpse.

It's too late, I'm locked in.

Hello, and how are we today?

Ohhh, um, old?

No, no, sorry. Uh, I'm fine.
You're old.

Are you, uh, are you going to be

the main doctor
delivering the baby?

Oh, no. That would be my father.

- Just kidding.
- Ha ha. Funny.

Are you... are you, uh,
looking for something?

I don't remember.

How about, "Best
wishes from Cloud 9"?

- No offense, but I hate that.
- Yeah.

What about, "Best wishes
from your Cloud 9 family?"

Um, family feels a little
weird since a lot of us

are banging each other. Guilty!

I think we should write
something funny.

I mean, people
like funny, right?

Yeah, okay Earl. That
sounds easier than it is.

Uh, why don't we not embarrass
ourselves by even trying.

Yeah, but...

I was thinking it could
be funny, because,

it's like so twisted.

It makes you laugh,
'cause it's like, crazy.

Right?

Am I right or am I right?
I'm right!

He's right, you should do that.

Do what? He didn't say anything.

All right, on the
next contraction

you're gonna push for
three ten-counts.

No, no, we can't start pushing.

The father's not here yet.

I thought it was this guy?

N-no.

Who are you? The gay best friend?
I see a lot of that.

No, no, no, I'm just...
I'm actually, um,

I actually, I don't
know what I am.

We haven't really
talked about it.

I don't know, we're
dating, maybe?

Right, yeah. We'll see
an occasional movie

and then sometimes I'm there
when she gives birth to a baby.

Well, I don't know Jonah.
What would you call it?

I don't know.

What would happen if we
just didn't do the surgery?

And the baby will eventually work
its way out like a splinter, right?

I mean, life always finds a way.

Dina, you're gonna be fine.

And we'll be right down the hall
waiting for you when you're done.

You're not gonna be in there?

No, see, we're not doctors,

so we don't go into
the operating room.

We go to the waiting room.

Actually, the parents are
usually in there for it.

Okay, but, well, yeah,

we'll probably just
get in the way, so.

Glenn, I think we should
both be in there for Dina.

Okay, I get really
squeamish around blood.

Maybe she doesn't
have a lot of blood.

Don't go.

- O-okay.
- Okay.

Right, you must be Dina Fox.
Hello, I'm Dr. Gillespie.

I'll be administering
the epidural.

Damn, what is with this place?

It's like "Grey's
Anatomy" in here.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Let's go.

I'd like to get
up there by Dina.

- Oh you're coming here?
- Sir, I need to get in there.

Okay, I'll go this way.
Oh, no. I'm trapped.

Dina, everything's
going to be okay.

Uh-huh.

It's a real professional operation
they've got going on here.

There's computers and wires...
the whole nine yards.

Huh. Could you play my music?

No problem.

- Sorry, is this right?
- Yeah, it's my favorite song.

♪

Okay. I'm ready.

- Out.
- Obviously it's not just about the sex.

- One, two...
- There are feelings there.

- We can talk about this later.
- Three!

Maybe focus on this.

I just think that there's a
lot going on between him

and the baby and it just seems
like a lot of pressure.

It's totally cool, and
we can table this.

Ten, and stop.

- Stop talking or stop pushing?
- Both. Jesus.

All right, here we go.

Oh, no. Uh, maybe we
could turn her around.

Turn her around. Oh,
there's the blood.

Okay, we are in it.

I see the head.

Oh, thank God. I have
had the craziest day.

I've had a pretty nutty day too.

- Thanks for filling in.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Um, guess this is yours.
This? I'll get that.

I'll just grab the other leg.

Okay, thanks.

Wow, there is so much blood.

Should someone do
something about that?

Okay, I'm just gonna
close my eyes.

Nope. Still kinda seeing it.

I'll pick them up.
I'll pick them up.

- One last push.
- Let's do this! C'mon!

- Mm.
- Uh. Yeah.

Huh? Huh?

Team!

Jerusha. I can see
its little arms.

It's so beautiful.

Nope, these are just
the intestines.

- Oh.
- Glenn, are you okay?

Uh-huh.

I... I didn't throw up.

Nine, ten.

It's a boy! Congratulations.

And look at that. A
healthy baby girl.

- Congrats, everyone.
- Thank God.

Who's gonna cut the
umbilical cord?

You should probably do it.

Yeah, yeah. I was gonna.

Dina, you did it.

Jerusha, I'm so happy.

Hi.

Hi, little buddy.

- Hi.
- Good heavens!

Did you know there's
a dead body in here?

Margaret! We got
another damn body!

I love you more than pot pies

and Christmas

and even little baby Jesus.

Don't tell anybody.

Dina, we can't thank you
enough for giving us such

an amazing gift.

I didn't get you a gift.

Oh, you mean the baby.

Yeah, you paid me for
that, so we're good.

Yeah. Um...

would it be okay if I had
a moment alone with her?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Oh, no thank you. You
can put it in its bin.

You take all the time you need.

She's not gonna
kidnap her, right?

No, I locked all the windows.

Well, this is it for
you and me, kid.

I hope I gave you a good
start the past nine months.

Now, if you ever need anything,

you can always come to me.

But not on Wednesdays
or Fridays,

because I have crew practice.

All right, what else
can I tell you?

Never go camping on your period.

If you ever find a pair
of shoes you like,

buy multiple pairs.

You meet a man with a houseboat,

walk the other way.

That's an important one.

Hey, little buddy.

He's not as squishy and
purple as Emma was.

Mm-mm.

She was so squishy.

He's perfect.

You're perfect.

Oh, wow. Uh, look at the time.

I... I completely lost track.

I got a meeting... party.

I got a party meeting.

So, let you guys have some time.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

Yeah. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi. Hi.

Here's your card.

He's had a big day.
But congratulations.

Let's go!