Superstore (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Costume Competition - full transcript
I'm sorry, the company
doesn't consider
pregnancy a disability.
No, I'm not asking
for disability.
I just need to reduce my hours
because my doctor says I
have to stay off my feet.
Yeah, her feet are
really swollen.
You know when you open a can
of Pillsbury crescent rolls
and the dough just kind
of bursts through?
Well, it's like that
only with feet and toes.
I can try getting you in with
a company-approved doctor.
Have you been experiencing any bleeding,
spotting, or vaginal discharge?
Okay, I am just gonna
do some paperwork.
Um, yes, there has
been some discharge...
♪ Oh, this is the way
we stape the pape ♪
♪ Stape the pape,
stape the pape ♪
But nothing to write home about.
Alright, I can get you in
for an appointment as soon as...
December 15th.
December 15th? That's
like six weeks away.
I will already have
my baby by then.
Oh, next time call us
farther in advance.
Is there anything else I
can help you with today?
Well, actually, while we
have you on the line...
Ah, here, do some paperwork.
I accidentally swallowed a
watermelon seed the other day.
♪
And corporate sent us
some sort of newfangled
automatic cart collector.
They say it's part of a...
pilot program.
I'm sorry, what are
you supposed to be?
The back of a horse.
Jerry was supposed
to be the front,
but he's in Fort
Lauderdale with Carol.
Oh.
Hey, you two, you can
flirt on your own time.
Next order of business,
we're going to be holding
an employee costume
competition today.
Oh, in honor of Halloween?
Yep, yep. Because of Halloween.
Um, so at the end of
the day we'll all vote
who wore it best, and
the winner gets...
A fully paid vacation day.
- What?
- Ohh.
- I want that.
- Yeah.
There's a day off?
Wait, why didn't you tell
us there was a day off?
I would have dressed up.
That's not a costume?
I thought you were a
dirty pile of laundry.
I'm sorry I was too
exhausted to get dressed.
My feet are so swollen
I can barely stand.
I'm more pregnant than
you and I'm doing great.
Yeah, my hair is silkier,
my skin's glowing,
I just grew a new tooth.
I'm doing very well.
♪ I always feel like ♪
♪ Somebody's watching me ♪
♪ And I have no privacy ♪
I really wanna win this contest.
People are gonna know
I'm Super Mario, right?
- Not just some fat plumber.
- I think people will get it.
And you should keep
that mustache.
It really works for you.
Oh, yeah, I was thinking
of growing one.
You should, you should.
It brings out your eyes.
Yeah, thank you.
Do you think they're
gonna know what I am?
Oh yeah. So great, so smart.
You know what it is, right?
Yeah, totally.
I'm "Gerry Mander."
These are all
gerrymander districts.
Yeah, no. I know that. Totally.
It's very intelligent.
Yeah, thanks.
Woo! This follows you anywhere?
As long as you're
holding the fob.
Okay, this is crazy.
How do we have this but, like,
have still never
been to the sun.
Hey, if you swallow the
fob, will the collector
just follow you until
you poop it out?
That is such a good question.
I'll reach out to
the manufacturer.
- Yeah.
- Dina!
What do I do? Should
I jump the railing?
No, no, stay there.
This will be a teachable moment.
No!
Happy Halloween.
Check out our great deals
on batteries if you dare.
I'll give you a hint,
it's slightly political.
Gay Spiderman.
- Wait.
- ♪ Halloween surfboard ♪
This is like the fifth time
they've played this song today.
I hate how they
just keep looping
the same Halloween music
over and over again.
At this point I've learned
how to just block out
the most annoying
stuff around here.
You're like one of
those monks in Tibet.
You know, they practice
this meditation technique
called Tummo.
Garret, are you...
Oh I get it. 'Cause
I'm annoying.
Yeah, all right.
You made your point.
Yeah, well, you know what?
You're annoying, so...
I'm gonna ignore you.
Doesn't feel so good, does it?
Toro, Toro.
Yeah!
What are you doing?
Playing matador.
This thing is so cool. You
wanna see how it works?
No, I don't want to
see how it works.
While you guys have
been out here playing
with this fart
collector, you know,
the costume aisle has
turned into a war zone.
Can you please go back inside?
But I haven't had a
turn yet at the...
It's okay. I'll just
come early tomorrow.
Please skedaddle.
Oh, you changed costumes.
So did you.
Well, I guess we both need
that vacation day, huh?
Yeah, well, my feet are giant
balloons full of blood
and I have a little
monster inside of me.
I wanna see that new
Johnny English movie.
Man, Cheyenne really
stepped it up.
- Oh, mahalo.
- She changed too?
It's so sad.
She probably thinks
that looking sexy
is going to help her win
the contest or something.
Well that's not
gonna work, right?
Are you kidding me?
I think everybody else can
kiss that day off "aloha."
The goodbye meaning.
Cheyenne can kiss it
"aloha," hello meaning.
What a kooky language.
Aloha, girl. That
costume is amazing.
Awh, thanks.
The coconuts and the grass
and the belly button
that I can see.
I'm literally obsessed with you.
You're literally in danger.
I was wondering though,
do you think that maybe
this costume might be
objectifying women?
Huh. You know, I can see that.
Like, do you really
want men gawking at you
like you're some piece of meat?
- Yeah.
- Kinda.
Okay.
And I was also thinking
that maybe this
costume is offensive
to, um, Hawaiian people.
Like Sandra. She's Hawaiian.
Oh, good call.
Don't worry, Sandra saw it
and she didn't say anything.
It's also just wasteful
'cause that's not
what coconuts...
Yeah.
People are starving
around the world and...
Well, someone ate the coconut.
I just put it on my boob.
Who ate the coconut?
I don't know, someone at a
Thai restaurant or something.
♪ Halloween surfboard ♪
Hey man, why did you
have to point out
this stupid Halloween song?
Now I can't tune it out. It
doesn't even make sense.
"Dracula was putting
on moon tan lotion."
Why is a Dracula at the beach?
Yeah, it's not a good song.
I'm just glad I'm not the
only one noticing it anymore.
Okay, well next time,
keep it to yourself.
Not everybody needs to
notice the same stuff.
Why don't you just try
thinking of a different song?
You know, like, um,
you know...
God, what are some songs?
There she is.
I thought someone might have
turned you into glue by now.
Why?
'Cause you're a horse.
You know how they kill horses
and turn their bones
and hooves into glue?
They do?
Nope, just being a goof.
Hey, did you see
Cheyenne's hula costume?
Yeah.
That's not offensive to
you or anything, is it?
Why would it be offensive?
Oh, no, just that, you know,
some people might call it
cultural appropriation.
Just because reducing
your entire heritage
to some cartoony stereotype
might be disrespectful
or something.
She's just having fun.
OMG. How cute is
Cheyenne's hula outfit?
Hawaiians are like "Laki-maki
laki-maki laki-maki."
Actually, hula is a sacred...
It's adorable.
Oh, you guys, you're
just such a cute,
funny little people.
Thanks.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Oh! Ohh.
Jonah! Jonah. Come here.
Come here.
Look. Okay, look.
You're not going to believe
this but just watch.
So fast. Good job, buddy.
No, no, before...
Now, I want it to be
spicy but not too spicy,
like a step past ketchup
but not quite to mustard.
♪ Halloween surfboard ♪
Now I've had a "quesadillo"
and I've had a "chimi-Chang-a,"
and I like them,
but Gary, now, he likes a
cream tuna on noodles.
I always say to him,
"live a little, Gary."
God, I can't take it!
Oh, sorry.
Excuse me, I'm looking
for a "salza."
What the hell was that?
This same song keeps playing
over and over again,
and it's starting
to drive me crazy.
Oh, I like hearing
the same song.
You always know what you're
getting, no surprises.
My workout mix is just 12
tracks of Billy Joel's
"For the Longest Time."
Well, that's on leg days.
On arm days it's "Scenes
From an Italian Restaurant."
She can't even be
in the contest now.
I feel bad.
Well, you had to say something.
It was obviously bothering you.
Yeah, I love Cheyenne but she
needed to be called out.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
I mean, Janet's half-Jamaican,
and she's okay with
Marcus' Rasta cap.
Yeah, I don't love it, but I
figured it's just a costume.
Just a costume?
Your culture is not some costume
that Marcus can wear for laughs.
Janet.
- It doesn't end until we make it end.
- Yeah.
We are the ones that
we've been waiting for.
You know what? You're right.
That guy. Hey, Marcus!
You'll find the sexy nurse
costumes in aisle nine
between the sexy Minions
and the sexy sandwiches.
Hey, Glenn, I think you left
that in the parking lot.
Thank you.
Good thing I'm not
a real mailman.
Leaving the mail in
the parking lot?
I would have been
fired for sure.
Ah, I think they would
have let it slide
since it's your first day.
Jonah, no offense, but you know
absolutely nothing about the U.S.
Postal Service.
♪
Hey, Sayid, I just wanted
to check in and see
you're feeling about
Chris' Aladdin costume.
How ya holding up
with the racism?
I mean, it just seems
to me like her costume
is a slap in the face
to your Latino culture.
Sayid should know better.
I'm sure as a person
of German heritage
this is very offensive.
Well, I'm not German.
I'm French-Canadian.
Well, did you see Teddy is
dressed as a hockey player?
Can you believe that
banjo he's carrying?
As if all southerners are just
toothless backwater rednecks.
That offend you?
I think he's supposed
to be Steve Martin.
"I think he's supposed
to be Steve Martin."
That's what you sound like.
Okay, the problem
is the same song
keeps playing every ten minutes.
Same song, all day long.
Well, I doubt any customers
are sticking around all day.
Yeah, but I am. I'm
here all day long.
All day long, same song.
It's starting to
become a little much.
Oh, if this is about
employee satisfaction,
I can transfer you over to...
No, do not transfer me.
I have been transferred to
six different departments
in four different countries.
I don't understand why it takes
an international coalition
to control a playlist.
Which is something
that I have been doing
for ten years with no problems.
Nobody got hurt, then all of
a sudden you guys takeover
and it's "Halloween Surfboard."
"Halloween Surfboard."
It's just stupid!
Please hold.
♪ You want the
Halloween surfboard ♪
The expiration date
said July 2023,
and I was like, "I
might expire by then."
That's what's so great about,
you know, canned goods,
'cause, you know,
they're in cans.
Stop.
Okay, keep... keep walking.
Again, I'm just looking
for water chestnuts.
Um huh.
You can just tell me
what aisle they're in.
Not right now!
♪
Now, do we think that
Freddy is just a pirate
or is he a Somali pirate?
Because that would be messed up.
You are a real hero,
you know that?
You're like a voice
for the voiceless.
Hey, we have a problem.
You need to take
that costume off.
What? Why?
We've had a complaint
about this whole
Italian minstrel show
you've got going on.
No, I'm no... I'm Mario.
You know. It's a me, Mario!
My brother is a' Luigi!
Hey, you need to stop right now.
Why? I mean, who would even...
I can't believe you
complained about my costume
just to win the contest.
It had nothing to do
with the contest.
I was legitimately offended.
Oh, please. Marcus,
you're Italian.
Mario's okay, right?
I've actually thought
a lot about this.
I mean, for me personally,
"Super Mario Brothers"
is a classic. "Mario
Kart," also solid.
But "Mario Party?" It's
like, what happened?
See? Marcus is fine with it.
Oh, that makes sense.
Yeah, I guess we can all
start telling racist jokes
as long as one person
from that race signs off.
Is that true?
My Jewish bird joke is so good,
and I think you'll feel like
we're laughing with you.
Still no.
Ugh, it's so good.
All Amy is saying is
people need to stop
looking for a reason
to be offended.
Exactly.
I mean, you can't
even sing NWA anymore
without being asked
to leave a cookout.
That is...
not what I was saying.
♪
I don't understand why Amy's
allowed to wear a mustache
but I can't wear my dreadlocks.
And I can't wear a grass
skirt and coconut boobs.
Let her wear the coconut
boobs, you monsters.
It's because those costumes
objectify a whole culture.
I am not dressed as an Italian.
I am dressed as a character
who happens to be Italian.
So I'm not allowed to
dress up as a Jamaican,
but if I'm dressing
up as Bob Marley,
who happens to be Jamaican,
Then everything be irie, Mon.
- No.
- What's the difference?
It's just... it's different.
Jonah, I feel like you
can explain this better.
Well, I know it's different,
I'm just having trouble
putting into words why, uh...
Janet, could you
explain it to them?
Why me?
No reason, just, you know stuff.
It's no different.
If we let Amy wear that costume,
then we might as well let
Marcus wear blackface.
- That's offense.
- That would be awesome.
No, it is not the same thing.
Wait, hold on, wait.
Why can't I paint my face
to look like Bob Marley
but Elias can paint his
to look like a Smurf.
You can't just... there's
a whole history...
- Janet?
- Yeah?
Nothing, I'm just checking in.
How you doing? Are you good?
Okay, you know what?
This is getting too complicated.
Let's just cancel the contest.
- What?
- No!
It's not worth upsetting
everybody over one day off work.
We can't just live our lives
afraid to offend someone.
I think that we, you
know, as a society,
we need to just lighten
up a little bit.
Yeah, I mean really,
if I think about it
Mario is a hardworking plumber
that rescues princesses.
If anything, that costume
honors Italians.
- Yes.
- So I can wear
my hula outfit if I'm
honoring Hawaiians.
Yea... I mean I guess
if you feel like
it's about honoring the culture
and not just to look sexy.
Yup, I'm honoring the culture.
And I can wear my Rasta hat
if it's about
honoring Jamaicans.
Well, I mean, I guess
if we're saying
that it's all or nothing,
then I can't really think
of a reason to say no.
Bumbaclot!
Okay then, contest back on.
- Yes.
- Great.
Have you been wearing that
under your shirt all day?
Yeah, I don't know
how you do it.
Hello, St. Louis!
Welcome to Cloud 9 store
1217's 2018 Halloween
official employee costume
competition royale.
Yeah!
All right.
Let's meet our first
contestant, Marcus White!
♪ He did the Mash ♪
♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪
One love! Everything irie.
But I'll tell you
what isn't Irie.
Nearly 700,000 Africans
brought to Jamaica as slaves.
The Rastafari movement isn't
about ganja and bobsleds.
It's about resisting the
tyranny of white oppressors.
Perhaps just like you.
Thanks, and happy Halloween.
♪ He did the Mash ♪
♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪
♪ The Monster Mash ♪
Oh, good. I thought you were...
What's this?
I gotta cover up the
ceiling speakers.
The key is to get
sweaters thick enough
to block out the sound.
The tighter the knit,
the less "Halloween
Surfboard" gets through.
Yeah, okay, good. Hey, listen.
You know technology, right?
Like you're plugged in, so, um,
where are we on the timeline
of robots having feelings,
like, you know,
anger or vengeance?
I mean, is that happening yet?
Yeah, I don't know, maybe.
You know, could be.
Oh. Good. Good to know.
One up!
It's a me, a Mario!
I eatsa the pasta.
But Italians are so much more
than just spaghetti
and meatballs.
From the beginning of time,
white women have honored us
with their contributions
to science and the arts.
A bell rang out through
the city of Dolores.
Gong! Gong!
Known as the land
beyond the forest,
Transylvania is rich
in natural splendor
and mineral resources.
Eleanor Roosevelt. Joy Behar.
Marie Curie. Madonna.
Brainy Smurf's special
talent is his brain.
There is the Sistine
Chapel, penne arrabbiata.
You pour the vinegar in...
And the lava comes out.
Viva Morelos! Viva Allende!
Viva Josefa Ortiz de Dominguez!
Jokey Smurf, he tells jokes.
He's funny. He's the funny one.
Gerrymandering may present
the most grave threat
to our democracy.
The Venice canals and,
uh, mozzarella sticks.
If you look back
to the midterm election
results of 2006...
Shoot your web.
Oh, no, I'm not Spider-Man.
Shoot it anyway.
Thwip.
Nice.
♪ Halloween surfboard ♪
Attention Cloud 9 shoppers, I
do not have an announcement,
but as long as I am talking
I am not listening,
so just gotta keep talking.
Uh, save 30% off roach gel.
Stop roaches in their tracks.
Except you can never
really stop them, can you?
They'll just keep
coming and coming,
invading your mind
in an endless loop.
Are we there yet, Daddy?
Sorry, son, the hell
ride, it lasts forever.
It's buy one, get
one free on peas.
♪ Love is kinda crazy ♪
♪ With a spooky little
girl like you ♪
I just want you to
know that I actually
really do like your costume.
Thanks. I like yours, too.
Do you wanna hold hands
like in Miss America?
Not really.
I actually don't
like your costume.
And the winner of one
day off work with pay
and this small bowling trophy
because it's all we had...
Amy Sosa!
Yes!
Yes!
In! Yo! Face! In yo face!
Yes,
I would like to
accept this award
on behalf of the Italian people.
♪ Ah-ooooh ♪
♪ Werewolves of London ♪
♪ Ah-ooooh ♪
Jerusha, I want you
to go pack a go-bag,
and go outside, wait
by the mailbox,
and when you see my car,
get a running start
and then jump through
the window, okay?
Because I am not going
to be able to stop.
Oh, and see if any
of our neighbors
have a shotgun you can borrow.
I'll see you soon.
So how much did I win by?
Was it, like, a landslide?
You can tell me.
Oh, it was a total
landslide, for Cheyenne.
What?
I mean, her boob
accidentally popped out.
You can't compete with that.
Wait, did you cheat for me?
Mm-hmm.
Nice.
It's kinda fitting,
don't you think,
that I actually ended
up suppressing votes?
'Cause it, uh, 'cause
I'm Gerry Mander.
- Mm-hmm.
- You get it.
doesn't consider
pregnancy a disability.
No, I'm not asking
for disability.
I just need to reduce my hours
because my doctor says I
have to stay off my feet.
Yeah, her feet are
really swollen.
You know when you open a can
of Pillsbury crescent rolls
and the dough just kind
of bursts through?
Well, it's like that
only with feet and toes.
I can try getting you in with
a company-approved doctor.
Have you been experiencing any bleeding,
spotting, or vaginal discharge?
Okay, I am just gonna
do some paperwork.
Um, yes, there has
been some discharge...
♪ Oh, this is the way
we stape the pape ♪
♪ Stape the pape,
stape the pape ♪
But nothing to write home about.
Alright, I can get you in
for an appointment as soon as...
December 15th.
December 15th? That's
like six weeks away.
I will already have
my baby by then.
Oh, next time call us
farther in advance.
Is there anything else I
can help you with today?
Well, actually, while we
have you on the line...
Ah, here, do some paperwork.
I accidentally swallowed a
watermelon seed the other day.
♪
And corporate sent us
some sort of newfangled
automatic cart collector.
They say it's part of a...
pilot program.
I'm sorry, what are
you supposed to be?
The back of a horse.
Jerry was supposed
to be the front,
but he's in Fort
Lauderdale with Carol.
Oh.
Hey, you two, you can
flirt on your own time.
Next order of business,
we're going to be holding
an employee costume
competition today.
Oh, in honor of Halloween?
Yep, yep. Because of Halloween.
Um, so at the end of
the day we'll all vote
who wore it best, and
the winner gets...
A fully paid vacation day.
- What?
- Ohh.
- I want that.
- Yeah.
There's a day off?
Wait, why didn't you tell
us there was a day off?
I would have dressed up.
That's not a costume?
I thought you were a
dirty pile of laundry.
I'm sorry I was too
exhausted to get dressed.
My feet are so swollen
I can barely stand.
I'm more pregnant than
you and I'm doing great.
Yeah, my hair is silkier,
my skin's glowing,
I just grew a new tooth.
I'm doing very well.
♪ I always feel like ♪
♪ Somebody's watching me ♪
♪ And I have no privacy ♪
I really wanna win this contest.
People are gonna know
I'm Super Mario, right?
- Not just some fat plumber.
- I think people will get it.
And you should keep
that mustache.
It really works for you.
Oh, yeah, I was thinking
of growing one.
You should, you should.
It brings out your eyes.
Yeah, thank you.
Do you think they're
gonna know what I am?
Oh yeah. So great, so smart.
You know what it is, right?
Yeah, totally.
I'm "Gerry Mander."
These are all
gerrymander districts.
Yeah, no. I know that. Totally.
It's very intelligent.
Yeah, thanks.
Woo! This follows you anywhere?
As long as you're
holding the fob.
Okay, this is crazy.
How do we have this but, like,
have still never
been to the sun.
Hey, if you swallow the
fob, will the collector
just follow you until
you poop it out?
That is such a good question.
I'll reach out to
the manufacturer.
- Yeah.
- Dina!
What do I do? Should
I jump the railing?
No, no, stay there.
This will be a teachable moment.
No!
Happy Halloween.
Check out our great deals
on batteries if you dare.
I'll give you a hint,
it's slightly political.
Gay Spiderman.
- Wait.
- ♪ Halloween surfboard ♪
This is like the fifth time
they've played this song today.
I hate how they
just keep looping
the same Halloween music
over and over again.
At this point I've learned
how to just block out
the most annoying
stuff around here.
You're like one of
those monks in Tibet.
You know, they practice
this meditation technique
called Tummo.
Garret, are you...
Oh I get it. 'Cause
I'm annoying.
Yeah, all right.
You made your point.
Yeah, well, you know what?
You're annoying, so...
I'm gonna ignore you.
Doesn't feel so good, does it?
Toro, Toro.
Yeah!
What are you doing?
Playing matador.
This thing is so cool. You
wanna see how it works?
No, I don't want to
see how it works.
While you guys have
been out here playing
with this fart
collector, you know,
the costume aisle has
turned into a war zone.
Can you please go back inside?
But I haven't had a
turn yet at the...
It's okay. I'll just
come early tomorrow.
Please skedaddle.
Oh, you changed costumes.
So did you.
Well, I guess we both need
that vacation day, huh?
Yeah, well, my feet are giant
balloons full of blood
and I have a little
monster inside of me.
I wanna see that new
Johnny English movie.
Man, Cheyenne really
stepped it up.
- Oh, mahalo.
- She changed too?
It's so sad.
She probably thinks
that looking sexy
is going to help her win
the contest or something.
Well that's not
gonna work, right?
Are you kidding me?
I think everybody else can
kiss that day off "aloha."
The goodbye meaning.
Cheyenne can kiss it
"aloha," hello meaning.
What a kooky language.
Aloha, girl. That
costume is amazing.
Awh, thanks.
The coconuts and the grass
and the belly button
that I can see.
I'm literally obsessed with you.
You're literally in danger.
I was wondering though,
do you think that maybe
this costume might be
objectifying women?
Huh. You know, I can see that.
Like, do you really
want men gawking at you
like you're some piece of meat?
- Yeah.
- Kinda.
Okay.
And I was also thinking
that maybe this
costume is offensive
to, um, Hawaiian people.
Like Sandra. She's Hawaiian.
Oh, good call.
Don't worry, Sandra saw it
and she didn't say anything.
It's also just wasteful
'cause that's not
what coconuts...
Yeah.
People are starving
around the world and...
Well, someone ate the coconut.
I just put it on my boob.
Who ate the coconut?
I don't know, someone at a
Thai restaurant or something.
♪ Halloween surfboard ♪
Hey man, why did you
have to point out
this stupid Halloween song?
Now I can't tune it out. It
doesn't even make sense.
"Dracula was putting
on moon tan lotion."
Why is a Dracula at the beach?
Yeah, it's not a good song.
I'm just glad I'm not the
only one noticing it anymore.
Okay, well next time,
keep it to yourself.
Not everybody needs to
notice the same stuff.
Why don't you just try
thinking of a different song?
You know, like, um,
you know...
God, what are some songs?
There she is.
I thought someone might have
turned you into glue by now.
Why?
'Cause you're a horse.
You know how they kill horses
and turn their bones
and hooves into glue?
They do?
Nope, just being a goof.
Hey, did you see
Cheyenne's hula costume?
Yeah.
That's not offensive to
you or anything, is it?
Why would it be offensive?
Oh, no, just that, you know,
some people might call it
cultural appropriation.
Just because reducing
your entire heritage
to some cartoony stereotype
might be disrespectful
or something.
She's just having fun.
OMG. How cute is
Cheyenne's hula outfit?
Hawaiians are like "Laki-maki
laki-maki laki-maki."
Actually, hula is a sacred...
It's adorable.
Oh, you guys, you're
just such a cute,
funny little people.
Thanks.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Oh! Ohh.
Jonah! Jonah. Come here.
Come here.
Look. Okay, look.
You're not going to believe
this but just watch.
So fast. Good job, buddy.
No, no, before...
Now, I want it to be
spicy but not too spicy,
like a step past ketchup
but not quite to mustard.
♪ Halloween surfboard ♪
Now I've had a "quesadillo"
and I've had a "chimi-Chang-a,"
and I like them,
but Gary, now, he likes a
cream tuna on noodles.
I always say to him,
"live a little, Gary."
God, I can't take it!
Oh, sorry.
Excuse me, I'm looking
for a "salza."
What the hell was that?
This same song keeps playing
over and over again,
and it's starting
to drive me crazy.
Oh, I like hearing
the same song.
You always know what you're
getting, no surprises.
My workout mix is just 12
tracks of Billy Joel's
"For the Longest Time."
Well, that's on leg days.
On arm days it's "Scenes
From an Italian Restaurant."
She can't even be
in the contest now.
I feel bad.
Well, you had to say something.
It was obviously bothering you.
Yeah, I love Cheyenne but she
needed to be called out.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
I mean, Janet's half-Jamaican,
and she's okay with
Marcus' Rasta cap.
Yeah, I don't love it, but I
figured it's just a costume.
Just a costume?
Your culture is not some costume
that Marcus can wear for laughs.
Janet.
- It doesn't end until we make it end.
- Yeah.
We are the ones that
we've been waiting for.
You know what? You're right.
That guy. Hey, Marcus!
You'll find the sexy nurse
costumes in aisle nine
between the sexy Minions
and the sexy sandwiches.
Hey, Glenn, I think you left
that in the parking lot.
Thank you.
Good thing I'm not
a real mailman.
Leaving the mail in
the parking lot?
I would have been
fired for sure.
Ah, I think they would
have let it slide
since it's your first day.
Jonah, no offense, but you know
absolutely nothing about the U.S.
Postal Service.
♪
Hey, Sayid, I just wanted
to check in and see
you're feeling about
Chris' Aladdin costume.
How ya holding up
with the racism?
I mean, it just seems
to me like her costume
is a slap in the face
to your Latino culture.
Sayid should know better.
I'm sure as a person
of German heritage
this is very offensive.
Well, I'm not German.
I'm French-Canadian.
Well, did you see Teddy is
dressed as a hockey player?
Can you believe that
banjo he's carrying?
As if all southerners are just
toothless backwater rednecks.
That offend you?
I think he's supposed
to be Steve Martin.
"I think he's supposed
to be Steve Martin."
That's what you sound like.
Okay, the problem
is the same song
keeps playing every ten minutes.
Same song, all day long.
Well, I doubt any customers
are sticking around all day.
Yeah, but I am. I'm
here all day long.
All day long, same song.
It's starting to
become a little much.
Oh, if this is about
employee satisfaction,
I can transfer you over to...
No, do not transfer me.
I have been transferred to
six different departments
in four different countries.
I don't understand why it takes
an international coalition
to control a playlist.
Which is something
that I have been doing
for ten years with no problems.
Nobody got hurt, then all of
a sudden you guys takeover
and it's "Halloween Surfboard."
"Halloween Surfboard."
It's just stupid!
Please hold.
♪ You want the
Halloween surfboard ♪
The expiration date
said July 2023,
and I was like, "I
might expire by then."
That's what's so great about,
you know, canned goods,
'cause, you know,
they're in cans.
Stop.
Okay, keep... keep walking.
Again, I'm just looking
for water chestnuts.
Um huh.
You can just tell me
what aisle they're in.
Not right now!
♪
Now, do we think that
Freddy is just a pirate
or is he a Somali pirate?
Because that would be messed up.
You are a real hero,
you know that?
You're like a voice
for the voiceless.
Hey, we have a problem.
You need to take
that costume off.
What? Why?
We've had a complaint
about this whole
Italian minstrel show
you've got going on.
No, I'm no... I'm Mario.
You know. It's a me, Mario!
My brother is a' Luigi!
Hey, you need to stop right now.
Why? I mean, who would even...
I can't believe you
complained about my costume
just to win the contest.
It had nothing to do
with the contest.
I was legitimately offended.
Oh, please. Marcus,
you're Italian.
Mario's okay, right?
I've actually thought
a lot about this.
I mean, for me personally,
"Super Mario Brothers"
is a classic. "Mario
Kart," also solid.
But "Mario Party?" It's
like, what happened?
See? Marcus is fine with it.
Oh, that makes sense.
Yeah, I guess we can all
start telling racist jokes
as long as one person
from that race signs off.
Is that true?
My Jewish bird joke is so good,
and I think you'll feel like
we're laughing with you.
Still no.
Ugh, it's so good.
All Amy is saying is
people need to stop
looking for a reason
to be offended.
Exactly.
I mean, you can't
even sing NWA anymore
without being asked
to leave a cookout.
That is...
not what I was saying.
♪
I don't understand why Amy's
allowed to wear a mustache
but I can't wear my dreadlocks.
And I can't wear a grass
skirt and coconut boobs.
Let her wear the coconut
boobs, you monsters.
It's because those costumes
objectify a whole culture.
I am not dressed as an Italian.
I am dressed as a character
who happens to be Italian.
So I'm not allowed to
dress up as a Jamaican,
but if I'm dressing
up as Bob Marley,
who happens to be Jamaican,
Then everything be irie, Mon.
- No.
- What's the difference?
It's just... it's different.
Jonah, I feel like you
can explain this better.
Well, I know it's different,
I'm just having trouble
putting into words why, uh...
Janet, could you
explain it to them?
Why me?
No reason, just, you know stuff.
It's no different.
If we let Amy wear that costume,
then we might as well let
Marcus wear blackface.
- That's offense.
- That would be awesome.
No, it is not the same thing.
Wait, hold on, wait.
Why can't I paint my face
to look like Bob Marley
but Elias can paint his
to look like a Smurf.
You can't just... there's
a whole history...
- Janet?
- Yeah?
Nothing, I'm just checking in.
How you doing? Are you good?
Okay, you know what?
This is getting too complicated.
Let's just cancel the contest.
- What?
- No!
It's not worth upsetting
everybody over one day off work.
We can't just live our lives
afraid to offend someone.
I think that we, you
know, as a society,
we need to just lighten
up a little bit.
Yeah, I mean really,
if I think about it
Mario is a hardworking plumber
that rescues princesses.
If anything, that costume
honors Italians.
- Yes.
- So I can wear
my hula outfit if I'm
honoring Hawaiians.
Yea... I mean I guess
if you feel like
it's about honoring the culture
and not just to look sexy.
Yup, I'm honoring the culture.
And I can wear my Rasta hat
if it's about
honoring Jamaicans.
Well, I mean, I guess
if we're saying
that it's all or nothing,
then I can't really think
of a reason to say no.
Bumbaclot!
Okay then, contest back on.
- Yes.
- Great.
Have you been wearing that
under your shirt all day?
Yeah, I don't know
how you do it.
Hello, St. Louis!
Welcome to Cloud 9 store
1217's 2018 Halloween
official employee costume
competition royale.
Yeah!
All right.
Let's meet our first
contestant, Marcus White!
♪ He did the Mash ♪
♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪
One love! Everything irie.
But I'll tell you
what isn't Irie.
Nearly 700,000 Africans
brought to Jamaica as slaves.
The Rastafari movement isn't
about ganja and bobsleds.
It's about resisting the
tyranny of white oppressors.
Perhaps just like you.
Thanks, and happy Halloween.
♪ He did the Mash ♪
♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪
♪ The Monster Mash ♪
Oh, good. I thought you were...
What's this?
I gotta cover up the
ceiling speakers.
The key is to get
sweaters thick enough
to block out the sound.
The tighter the knit,
the less "Halloween
Surfboard" gets through.
Yeah, okay, good. Hey, listen.
You know technology, right?
Like you're plugged in, so, um,
where are we on the timeline
of robots having feelings,
like, you know,
anger or vengeance?
I mean, is that happening yet?
Yeah, I don't know, maybe.
You know, could be.
Oh. Good. Good to know.
One up!
It's a me, a Mario!
I eatsa the pasta.
But Italians are so much more
than just spaghetti
and meatballs.
From the beginning of time,
white women have honored us
with their contributions
to science and the arts.
A bell rang out through
the city of Dolores.
Gong! Gong!
Known as the land
beyond the forest,
Transylvania is rich
in natural splendor
and mineral resources.
Eleanor Roosevelt. Joy Behar.
Marie Curie. Madonna.
Brainy Smurf's special
talent is his brain.
There is the Sistine
Chapel, penne arrabbiata.
You pour the vinegar in...
And the lava comes out.
Viva Morelos! Viva Allende!
Viva Josefa Ortiz de Dominguez!
Jokey Smurf, he tells jokes.
He's funny. He's the funny one.
Gerrymandering may present
the most grave threat
to our democracy.
The Venice canals and,
uh, mozzarella sticks.
If you look back
to the midterm election
results of 2006...
Shoot your web.
Oh, no, I'm not Spider-Man.
Shoot it anyway.
Thwip.
Nice.
♪ Halloween surfboard ♪
Attention Cloud 9 shoppers, I
do not have an announcement,
but as long as I am talking
I am not listening,
so just gotta keep talking.
Uh, save 30% off roach gel.
Stop roaches in their tracks.
Except you can never
really stop them, can you?
They'll just keep
coming and coming,
invading your mind
in an endless loop.
Are we there yet, Daddy?
Sorry, son, the hell
ride, it lasts forever.
It's buy one, get
one free on peas.
♪ Love is kinda crazy ♪
♪ With a spooky little
girl like you ♪
I just want you to
know that I actually
really do like your costume.
Thanks. I like yours, too.
Do you wanna hold hands
like in Miss America?
Not really.
I actually don't
like your costume.
And the winner of one
day off work with pay
and this small bowling trophy
because it's all we had...
Amy Sosa!
Yes!
Yes!
In! Yo! Face! In yo face!
Yes,
I would like to
accept this award
on behalf of the Italian people.
♪ Ah-ooooh ♪
♪ Werewolves of London ♪
♪ Ah-ooooh ♪
Jerusha, I want you
to go pack a go-bag,
and go outside, wait
by the mailbox,
and when you see my car,
get a running start
and then jump through
the window, okay?
Because I am not going
to be able to stop.
Oh, and see if any
of our neighbors
have a shotgun you can borrow.
I'll see you soon.
So how much did I win by?
Was it, like, a landslide?
You can tell me.
Oh, it was a total
landslide, for Cheyenne.
What?
I mean, her boob
accidentally popped out.
You can't compete with that.
Wait, did you cheat for me?
Mm-hmm.
Nice.
It's kinda fitting,
don't you think,
that I actually ended
up suppressing votes?
'Cause it, uh, 'cause
I'm Gerry Mander.
- Mm-hmm.
- You get it.