Superstore (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Toxic Workplace - full transcript

Okay, I'll go in first.

Wait, maybe I
should go in first.

It doesn't matter
who goes in first.

We just can't go in together,

'cause it's gonna
look suspicious.

Well then, if it doesn't matter,

- I'll go in first.
- That's fine, go in first.

I'm happy to sit
here for ten minutes

- and listen to the radio.
- Okay, no, you go in first.

- Oh.
- Amy.

- Hey.
- Listen.



Sorry for accidentally
texting you that nude.

No worries.

What's Jonah doing in there?

Oh, hey, Dina. Uh, I was just

looking for this
Del Taco receipt

for 12 tacos.

You must have been very hungry.
No judgment.

So did you two drive together?

Um, yes? We did.

We are carpooling
to save some money.

And the environment.

Well, saving money
is reason enough.

No need to keep explaining.

What's going on?



- Nothing!
- Maybe we should get inside?

Amy and Jonah are carpooling.

Oh! I'm in. Carpool karaoke.

What's carpool karaoke?

You know how people like
to sing in the car? That.

Well, that settles that. Dina,
you're blocking my door.

Hey, Sayeed! Amy and
Jonah are carpooling!

Whoo! Carpool Karaoke!

That's what I said!

That's what she said!

That's... wild.

It doesn't make any sense.
Why are you guys carpooling

when you live so far apart?

You literally have to drive past
the store to pick each other up.

I'm surprised this hasn't
occurred to either one of you

during your long morning
drives to each other's houses.

You know what, Cheyenne? You are
really good at this logistics stuff.

You should be planning
everybody's carpools.

Really? You think so?

Yeah, you're really great at it.

You have a gift for logistics.

Oh, because I could. I mean,
I could do it right now.

- Now would be great.
- Okay. I'm gonna.

Get it, girl!

Why don't you just tell
everybody you're dating?

This is the most boring secret
I've ever had to live with.

We don't need everybody
in our business, okay?

This place loves gossip.

Well, at least get
better about hiding it.

What are you talking about?

We're not acting different
around each other.

I mean, it's obvious to me,

but I'm more
perceptive than most.

Most people didn't even notice that
Henry and Jay have been hooking up.

I mean, it seems obvious to me.

There's an opening at
the Fenton's store,

and they said that
I could transfer.

You just need to sign this form.

Wait, is this about Jonah?

Because I can make him
take you back, okay?

Yeah, I'm his boss. He's
gotta do what I say.

That's so generous
of you to offer

to force someone to be with me.

Makes me feel really
good about myself.

It should.

Uh, but no, this
isn't about Jonah.

I mean, the Fenton location is
just a lot closer to my house.

Well, if everyone only worked
at places that were close

to their house, then I'd
only work at my neighbor's.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Should we get a scented
candle for our nightstand?

Yeah.

This one smells
like peanut butter.

Oh!

I already got a jelly one.

PB&J.

Jay!

What are you doing here?

Jerry and I are
moving in together.

Oh. Wow.
Congratulations, Sandra.

Enjoy my HPV.

Thank you.

Hey, Mateo, how
many times in a row

have you been employee
of the month again?

Oh, I don't even keep track.

- I think it's at least three...
- Five, it's five. Five.

Wow. That's a good run.

Um, Kelly wants to transfer
to a different store,

and I was thinking
maybe it's because

she doesn't feel
appreciated here.

So, then I was thinking,

"What if we made her Employee
of the Month this month?"

Like, both of us
at the same time?

Well, maybe just her,
you know, as a token,

to make her feel special.

Ah. What a cool idea.

Thank you.

So we would take
it away from me...

- Yup.
- And give it to her.

Yes!

Love that, so much.

Great.

Although I do wonder...
devil's advocate...

Mm-hmm?

If it somehow cheapens the award

by just handing it out to
anyone, if that makes sense.

Well, she's not just anyone.
I mean, Kelly is wonderful.

Oh! Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Kelly's a delight.

But at the same time,
she's also, you know,

terrible... at the job.

Yeah.

I got a map and marked
down where everyone lived,

and then I used
logistics to figure out

the most efficient carpools.

Wow. You really put a lot
of effort into this.

Yeah, I haven't sold,
like, anything today.

Like, nothing.

A few thoughts: you've got
Mark riding with Terrence.

They hate each other.

Sarah and Rob are going
through a divorce.

Sarah had that secret family.
So did Rob.

Um, see this line between
Heather and Cody?

That's a river. So how
are they carpooling?

- Submarine?
- Yeah.

Herman's riding with Rico, but
Rico's got BO, and Herman's dead.

You can't put Phil
with anyone Korean.

He's not racist.
He's too into it.

And I wouldn't ride with Elias

even if you promised to
murder my entire family.

But, uh, other than
those, nice work.

Do you think Garret's right?

Are we acting like
we like each other?

I don't know, I
mean, maybe I'm...

annoying you less
than I used to.

- Ah, no, that's not it.
- Oh, yeah?

Name three things I do

that are actually
annoying to you.

- Just three?
- And you can't say...

can't say asking this question.

That doesn't count.
It's too easy.

Okay, come on. Let's hear 'em.

You know what? Enough chit-chat.

Get back to work.

What are you doing?
I'm just joking.

I was working until
you interrupted me.

- Just do your job, Jonah.
- You do your job, Amy.

I am doing my job... telling
you to do your job.

- Not bad.
- That was good.

Today, we honor

one of our most valued
and cherished employees.

On behalf of store 1217,
it is my privilege

to award the Golden Vest...

to Kelly Watson!

What?

Wait. The Golden Vest?

Yes. It's one of Cloud
9's highest honors.

Oh, Glenn, you really don't
have to do all of this.

Shh. The Golden Vest!

Cheyenne.

- Congratulations.
- Yay.

Really, Jonah?

You're spraying all-purpose
cleaner on the fruit?

You know what? Chill out.

I'll fix it, all right?
Stop shrieking.

Oh, so anytime a woman tells you
what to do, it's shrieking?

Oh, don't make
this about sexism.

Have you ever looked
in the mirror,

listened to your own voice...

It's about being a lunatic!

Listen to yourself.
You're shrieking!

God, I hate that guy.

So sparkly.

I'm sorry?

All these months. Playing dumb.

Just playing so dumb.

All the time!

Well, you knew exactly
what you were doing.

You were going for the gold.

Are you talking about the vest?

You can drop the
act, Helen Mirren.

You got what you wanted.

Mateo, you know
that this is just

some silly made-up award, right?

I mean, it's completely
meaningless.

It's like Employee of the Month.

You are the most petty, jealous,
and bitter person I've ever met.

I gotta get the out of here.

Need help finding
anything, Jer-Bear?

Yeah, I'm looking for some art

with just, like, words on it.

Like maybe it says dream
or cat or Merlot.

I don't know, I'm not an artist.

Let's see what we can find.

You look amazing, by the way.

What have you lost,
like, 10 pounds?

I don't know. I've
never weighed myself.

You are so funny!

You make me laugh
harder than anybody!

I mean, I am laughing
so hard, I am crying.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

I forgot I wasn't wearing a bra.

Uh, that's okay.

I am so embarrassed.
Don't look at my face.

Nobody cares about your
obnoxious opinions, Jonah!

Oh, obnoxious!

That's a pretty big
word for you, Amy!

Oh, sure, keep on
calling me dumb,

you slick-haired, insecure,
sad little fancy boy.

What an insulting and antiquated
thing for you to say to me.

You know what? If
I'm a fancy boy,

- you know what you are?
- No, what am I?

You are a loud-mouthed,
domineering, crazy little...

- Is bitch too...
- No, it's good.

Bitch!

Yeah, I said it.

Don't you use that word with me!

Take this!

Ow!

You shoved me, Amy!
What is wrong with you?

Yeah, I did.

What are you gonna do
about it, you wuss?

Ow!

Um, why would you
slam my clipboard

on the floor like that?

Nice pivot.

And then I realized
that Dom always says

creepy things to women
when he's alone with them.

So I had him pick up
Jarrett before Amanda.

But then the problem was,
who is driving Debbie?

And then I remembered, Debbie
had that cocaine problem

so she can't smell a thing.

Which brings us back
to Kyle the farter.

Boom.

Now, you know a lot
of these people

don't work the
same shift, right?

Thank you for bringing
that to my attention.

I mean, they wouldn't even be
at the store at the same time.

Okay, yeah, I get your point.

Hey!

Keep your saggy
boobs to yourself.

Oops. Did Jerry say something?

I didn't hear him
complain at the time.

That's because he's
very soft-spoken.

Ow. Stop.

You stop.

There she is. Mrs. Golden Vest.

She's the best.

Did you sign my
transfer papers yet?

But you won the Golden Vest.

Glenn.

Come on, don't leave us.

I mean, I know it's not
a perfect workplace,

but we love each other here.

Keep your hands off him!
He's mine!

Excuse me, I've got
to go stop the love.

Oh, great, working next to Amy.

- I can't wait to be scowled at.
- No!

You do not talk to my
best friend that way.

- No, Dina...
- Butt out, Amy.

Listen to me, you rejected
American Girl doll.

You think you're so great?

Your boyish good looks
aren't gonna age well.

You're hitting a
wall, pretty boy,

at a hundred miles an hour.

Yeah, you can already see it.

The crow's feet, receding
hairline, hunchback.

To think I used to
masturbate to you.

- Oh.
- Multiple times a day.

What is going on in this store?

Jonah and Amy are at
each other's throats.

Somebody started a Twitter
campaign, ♪GoldenVestSoWhite.

I mean, it's just
been tense lately.

It must be my fault.

It's like they say, the
fish rots from the head.

What are you talking about?

It's the expression.
Fish rots from the head.

I've never heard of that.

Why would it rot
from the head first?

It would all rot simultaneously.

The point is, if
things are toxic here,

it's my job to fix it.

If anything, the guts
would rot first,

they're full of feces.

Where are you getting
this head thing?

I mean, whoever told you that
was not an ichthyologist.

I don't care how a fish rots.

Well, I don't care for you
spreading lies about fish.

How is that a lie?

♪

A toxic workplace is a workplace

where an employee feels
both unhappy and unwelcome.

Now, what could cause that?

Uh, your supervisor being
a giant pain in the ass?

Oh, wow, Jonah had a
little comment, shocking.

Wow. Those two really
don't get along.

Well, no, no, this is
a perfect example.

Like, you need to
communicate better.

Look, let's practice.

Who wants to say something
critical about me?

Oh! Oh, Oh, Oh. Pick me.

Pick me. I've got so many.

- Uh...
- Come on.

Anyone? Amy!

Why don't you say what
you don't like about me?

Um, no, there really
isn't anything.

Oh, come on. I'm
not made of glass.

Uh, okay.

I guess if I had to
make a complaint,

because you're forcing me to,

I don't love the way you
pronounce "measure."

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Good.

It's just... kind of
hard to shake off here.

Really took the wind
out of me, but...

Okay, we're back, okay. All
right, moving on, um...

No, I'm gonna need
another minute.

♪

Okay, so one way to
deal with conflict

is to try and see it from the
other person's point of view.

Uh, for example, these two
had a terrible breakup,

which left Kelly
feeling a lot of pain.

So, Kelly, I want you to
imagine that you're Jonah,

and I want you, Jonah, to tell
Kelly how you're feeling.

Yeah, you can do this.

Okay, uh, Kelly, I'm sorry I
was such a bad boyfriend.

But I also realize that
you should be able

to transfer stores
if you want to.

Um, yeah. That-that was okay.

You know, it's always a
little rough at first.

Now, Kelly, I want you to tell
Jonah what you're feeling.

You know what...
actually, I'm sorry...

could you have them
switch clothes?

It would help me visualize it.

That's interesting.

I'm just gonna do
it like this, okay?

Jonah, I don't feel you
were fair to me...

Wait a minute. This sounds
nothing like Kelly.

It's more like...

Hi, everybody! I'm Kelly!

Nope. Wait. Hold on.
Let's do this.

Nice and accurate. How about it?

Dina, it's not about
doing impressions.

Hey, it's me, Kelly!

Boy, it sure is windy out today.

Whoa!

That seems unnecessary.

Jonah, you told me you loved me.

And then you dumped me so that you could
have sex with that pregnant whore.

Hey!

These are Kelly's words.
Not mine.

I don't sound like that.

It's a little more
squeaky, like...

Hey, everybody, I'm Kelly!

No, it's more like...

Hi, everybody, I'm Kelly!

Hi, everyone, I'm Kelly!

It's your girl, Kelly!

♪

Oh, my God.

These customers are so handsome.

How am I supposed
to work checkout?

I'm too busy checking them out.

Okay. Thank you, Cheyenne.

Now we know what it
would sound like

if Fran Drescher
worked at Cloud 9.

Ah. That was so good.

Aww, thanks, doll.

I don't understand
how this is helping.

I don't even know anymore.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Who is this?

I'm Sandra, and I'm a dirty
slut who goes around

stealing other
people's boyfriends.

Oh, yeah? Well, who is this?

I'm Carol, I'm a jealous
psycho stalker who can't take

the fact that Jerry
chose Sandra over me.

And now they're
moving in together,

and they're gonna be so happy.

And I'll be alone. Which is sad.

Because maybe I was
happy with Jerry.

But Sandra didn't care
about my feelings.

She just took what she wanted.

Which people have
always done to her.

Maybe I only seem crazy
because I'm lonely.

Just a person who had
love, and now it's gone.

Wow, Sandra.

That was... good breakthrough.

Yeah, but that didn't
solve anything.

It's not about solving.

It's about communication
and empathy.

Screw empathy. I
want Jerry back.

What? No.

Finders keepers.
That is the law.

I think she should
give him back.

How do we decide?

We could let Jerry decide.

How about we flip a coin?
Winner takes Jerry, agreed?

- No, I don't think...
- I'm good with that.

You guys, this is crazy.

Let the coin do its work.

Guys, listen, I'm not
agreeing to give Jerry up.

- Sandra, call it in the air.
- No, no, heads!

Tails. Carol, he's all yours.

Yes!

No.

Uh-oh!

So good.

Hey, how's it going?

Well, should I answer
that as Jonah or Kelly?

I don't do a really good Jonah.
How is your Kelly?

Hey, everybody, I'm Kelly.

Um, you were right.

I-I was a bad boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

But I hope that's not the
reason you're leaving.

It's... I don't know.

It's just time for
me to move on.

Try something new.

Like, um, like, what's it
like to stock flatware

at a different Cloud 9?
I want to find out.

I can't even imagine.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I can't get Glenn to
sign the transfer.

Because we're a family,
and I'm a man baby

who won't let anyone leave!

I can do impressions too.

- I can do impressions too.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, do you know Gail?
- Uh, no?

Ah, too bad. I do a great Gail.

For each day of the week,

each route has three
variations...

one primary and two alternates

based on shifts and
road closures.

Now, if you're that
week's ride captain,

it's your responsibility to
delegate and sub-delegate...

I'm sorry, I don't
want to carpool.

Well, why wouldn't you...

My drive is my only "me" time.

And I don't want
to clean my car.

I agree.

This just seems like I'd
have to leave my house

a lot earlier and get
home a lot later.

I need my car here.

It's where I go to cry at lunch.

I don't know, Mateo...
I'm starting to think

that whole meeting
was a waste of time.

Cheyenne killed.

Hey, Glenn, uh,
I've been thinking.

What if the problem wasn't
actually a toxic workplace

but a toxic worker?

Elias is my brother-in-law.
Jerusha would kill me.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not...

no, I actually was
thinking Kelly.

Kelly?

She's negative,
she's unpleasant.

She kicked a child.

- What?
- Well, that's not...

I don't... I don't
know that to be true.

But I do think that
Kelly is the problem.

I mean, think about it.
Before she worked here,

did you think of
this place as toxic?

- No.
- And what about now?

Oh, my God.

So it's just over?

I'm sorry. I tried
as hard as I could.

Did you say best
two out of three?

No... I wish I had
thought of that.

I wish you had too.

I'll always love you.

That doesn't matter.
You're with Carol now.

Can we still be friends?

Carol said no.

I don't appreciate
you trashing me

and laughing behind my back.

I never laugh at you, Jonah.
You never say anything funny.

Oh, hey, there's
nobody else around.

We can stop.

Do you, uh, do you feel like
seeing a movie tonight?

No I don't feel like
seeing a movie right now.

I just said there's
nobody around.

We don't have to fight anymore.

Okay, well I can't just
switch it off on a dime.

So are we still fighting?

Yeah, kind of.

Just give me a minute.
It'll fade.

- Take all the time you need...
- Don't tell me what to do.

Well, good luck to you, Kelly.

Thank you, Glenn. Bye!

- Bye!
- Bye, Kel!

Good luck to the Fenton store.

They are going to need it.