Superstore (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - Quinceañera - full transcript

Hey.

For Emma's quinceañera,

am I supposed to just get her money,

or if I wanted to add something extra,

would she like a NutriBullet,

makeup, rosary beads,

a T-shirt that says "Slay all day"?

She's gonna like whatever you get her.

I just want it to be good, you know?

I always feel like
Emma doesn't like me.

What? Why?



She always goes to her room
whenever I come over.

And there was the time
she saw in the towel

and it was never addressed.

Jonah, she's 15 years old.

If you're not Ariana Grande
or Gritty, she's not into it.

Yeah, but I'm, like, the guy

who stole her mom away from her dad.

Yeah, no, you're right. It's true.

I was in a happy, fulfilling,
blissful marriage

that would have just gone on
forever and ever

if you hadn't swooped in
and started whispering

"This American Life"
stories into my ear

until my panties dropped.

I'm just saying.



I don't need to go if
it's gonna make things weird.

I mean, between Emma and Adam...

It's not going to be weird.

Calm down. I want you to be there.

It would be weird if you weren't there.

You sure?

- Yes.
- Okay. Okay.

Has she ever brought
up the towel thing?

Because it was tied pretty low.

It's been discussed.

Emma, hey! Happy quinceañera.

- Thanks.
- That dress is great.

Somebody is ready for the red carpet.

Okay.

Hey, you two, could I get a photo?

- Ah, oh, yeah. Sure.
- All right.

Go ahead and smile.

Ah, go ahead and actually
get close together.

Oh, hey, Adam, how's it going, buddy?

- Hi. Hey.
- All right.

Emma, what don't you take
a little step forward?

And, Dad, go ahead
and throw your arms around her.

- Ew, he's not my Dad.
- Yeah, I'm not...

- "Ew" seems strong.
- I'm the father.

Yeah, I'm just the boyfriend.

Oh, no, the mother's boyfriend.

I'm not... I'm not her boy...

You know what? You should
probably do this instead of me.

- The father-daughter photo?
- Yeah, maybe.

Probably should.

Oh, wow, I'm gonna have
to zoom out on that one.

- You're so much taller, right?
- Thank you.

There he is. Yeah, I like it.
That's good.

Yeah, you guys,
you're both so... so beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh, you guys, went all out.

Yeah, it was gonna be a little smaller,

but then I... I got my promotion,
and I was like, "o it up."

Bo really wanted to come,

but one of his suits
is at the dry cleaner's

and the other one's haunted.

Okay. Yeah, those things happen.

Oh, and, Amy,
Jerusha had to watch Rose,

but there was no way that I was
gonna miss this celebration

of Emma's transition
from girlhood to womanhood

with cultural roots in Mesoamerica.

Thank you, Glenn. Did you
spend some time on Wikipedia?

Yeah, I did. How?

- Where's Emma?
- She's over there.

- Oh.
- Aw.

Look at her, in her dress.

I wore that dress to my quinceañera.

I can't believe it.

Just yesterday,
she was this little baby,

and now she's this grown woman.

I'm so sorry.
I have a lot of feelings today.

Excuse me.

I don't think I've ever
seen Amy show emotion before.

I know, it's so weird.

It's like, I once saw
my dentist yell at a stripper,

and it was like,
"Oh, you do have feelings."

Amy doesn't cry often,
but when she does, oh, boy.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, it's awful.

It's like...

No, it's, um...

No, I can't do it.

I would really like to see that.

- Me too.
- Mm.

Why are you lurking in the corner?

I'm not lurking.

I'm standing silently in the shadows.

Lurking works, yeah.

I'm just trying to stay out
of everyone's way, you know?

Jonah, relax. It's a party.

You should be mingling.
Go talk to someone

about how second season
of "Patriot" gets better.

It doesn't.

See? This is a great conversation.

Get out there.

Oh, Mom, Dad! Come! Come here!

- Just talk to them.
- I... I'm fine...

You remember Jonah.

- Hey, guys! Hey!
- Nice to see you.

- Hi, Jonah.
- It's been a while. Hi.

Er, yeah, yeah. It's good to see you.

Connie, I love that dress.

Somebody is ready for the red carpet.

Thank you.

You know, I think

- you're running low on ice.
- I don't think we are.

Well, nobody ever thinks
they're running low on ice

until they're actually low
on ice, and then it's too late,

so I'm gonna go get
some ice from outside.

Uh, excuse me.

It's his first quinceañera.

If everybody could take their seats,

we're gonna begin
the presentation of Emma

and her court ofdamas y chambelanes

in just a few minutes.

They're breasts!

- I wasn't... I was just...
- Uh-huh.

It was a bold choice
to wear a dress like that

at a party full
of a bunch of horny teens.

You're really putting
the ladies out there.

Why should I have to police my body

because the men of this world
can't keep it in their pants?

- I agree.
- I mean, if Emma was Wiccan,

we would be all naked right now,

dancing around a fire pentacle

and grabbing each other's crotches.

It really sounds like
you've done that before.

A couple of times.

And put your hands together
for Marco and Daniela.

All right, and now,
everybody, on your feet.

It gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you

thequinceañera herself,
Emma Dubanowski!

Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize you guys were...

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, watch out.

Oh, so sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry, I was getting ice.

We can see that, big guy.
Just get out of the way.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm...

Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.

If you guys... just... just back up.

I don't want anybody to slip.
It's... it's slippery.

It's good to see Jonah again.

I'm glad that's happening for you.

- Thank you.
- You know what?

We're gonna take a break
and clear the floor,

so everyone just chill

and we'll take it again from the top.

Okay, again, very sorry.

If you need anything, I'm just gonna...

you don't need anything.
You guys are good.

I'm... okay. I'm gonna
stop talking right now.

So, uh, I'm gonna write down my email.

If you could send me
a copy of this video,

that would be great.

It could be any file, any size.
I don't care.

Come on, it wasn't that bad.

If anything, you did her a favor.

How many girls get to do
their entrance twice?

One of the kids said,
"Smooth move, dick."

Like, just so uncalled for.

I'm sure most of them
didn't even notice.

Look at them. Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Look, I just want you to know

that nothing happened
between Jonah and Amy

while you guys were together.

I mean, sure they kissed
during the tornado,

but I'm pretty sure that was it.

Well, thanks for letting me know that.

Yeah. But then, of course,
there was the sex tape

that happened at work.

If it helps, we found out
later, Amy didn't finish.

Jonah did, though, so...

- Sorry about that.
- Buddy, cut it out.

- Cut what out?
- Dude, look,

I was your age once.
I was obsessed with breasts.

I'm still a fan, but she's my friend,

so stop staring at her.

I wasn't. I don't care about
some lady's fake boobs.

Okay, all right.

Well, they're real, but whatever.

They're totally fake.

You can tell when they're
too round like that.

Dude, don't act like
you know about breasts.

I dated her. They're real.

You dated her?

So you've, like, seen them?

Yeah. When adults date each other,

they show each other their boobs.

What are they like? Are they awesome?

Buddy, I'm not telling you about that.

But the right one's a little
perkier than the left one,

but not in like a weird
Picasso kind of way,

and they're sort of spread out,
but not like Admiral Ackbar.

It's like they're...

You know what?

I'll just draw 'em for ya. Come on.

And on this day of your quinceañera,

I wanted to get you
something muy especial, so...

Holy [bleep].

It's the traditional last doll,

última muñeca.

Jerusha and I worked
really hard on this.

Do you like it?

Yes, mm-hmm. Just say thank you.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, if you're wondering
why the hair looks so real?

Because it is.

Yeah, Jerusha got her hair
caught in the garbage disposal,

so, you know, we saved it for you.

Thank you.

Put her away.

- Keep her safe.
- Yeah.

Emma, if I could give you any advice,

it would be,
never give your virtue away.

Hold it, protect it until you meet

that special man
that you will call husband.

This is, like,
the fifth speech in a row

about Emma's virginity.

- It's weird.
- I know.

It's like, who hasn't lost
their virginity by 15?

Studies show that
pushing abstinence on kids

actually makes them
want to have sex more.

Or it encourages them
to try butt stuff,

which, hey, God bless.

So it kind of curves
up here to décolletage.

That's a crumb.

That's not, like, a third nipple.

Then over here,
there's sort of a quick little dip,

like that first drop
in Batman: The Ride.

And I know it seems like
I'm spending a lot of time

on the sternum, but it's really
all about that negative space.

Because losing
the precious gift of chastity

would be the biggest mistake
of your life,

almost as big a mistake
as when this guy

ruined your big entrance.

From before, yeah. Zing.

Because, as we all know,

the unopened chips
always stays the freshest.

Thank you.

Ah, who's next?

Oh, God, no. Pass.

Ouch, so cold.

I don't... I don't mean pass
like I-I-I don't care.

I just... uh...

I... sorry, when I...

when I said, "Pass,"

I just meant, like,
I don't want to say anything.

Not... sorry,
not because I don't like Emma.

It's just, it feels silly
for me to be giving a speech

when I'm not even
a part of the family yet.

- Oh!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

That doesn't... that's not a... no.

Don't read into the word "yet," no.

Believe me, we're...

We're not getting married, okay?

I mean, I don't mean that we're never...

we're never gonna get married.

I mean, we haven't even

talked about it, right?

You know what? I should probably

just stick with the standard script

and say, um, congrats, Emma,

and I guess stay a virgin
or don't... or don't.

You know, that's...
your sexuality is your own.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Thank you for those kind words, Jonah.

- Here.
- Just...

But, uh, we got some more
partying to do, folks.

I budgeted six shrimp
per person, so go to town.

And if there aren't any more toasts...

Actually, Amy, uh, I just
wanted to say a few words

on the topic of female pleasure...

Oops, it's... it's broken.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Fantastic. Life of the party.

Man, I am so tired.

I really wish I could go home now.

You can, though, if you wanted to.

You know, if you're...
if you're feeling beat.

I mean, it's only 8:30.

Oh, okay, only 8:30,
Mr. Party All Night.

I wish I could be in bed
with a good book.

Doesn't that sound great?

You've literally never read in bed.

You play "Candy Crush"
until you're snoring.

Ha! Yeah, that's true.
I love that game.

- Maybe I should take off.
- No, no.

That's... that's not what I want.

I-I want you be here,
just not so noticeably.

- That's what I want.
- Fingers crossed.

Excuse me.

Were you the one who drew
these breasts for my child?

What? No. What? Who's your son?

In the future, I'd appreciate

if you didn't give
pornography to my child.

- Mm-hmm.
- He's a child.

Got it, child.

Those are my breasts.

What? No. I drew those from scratch.

I think I'd recognize my own breasts.

I have over 40 mirrors in my house.

Okay, fine, yeah, they're your breasts,

but it was just that this nerd kid

said that they were fake, and
I was like, "No, they're not."

And he's like, "Yes, they are," so I...

This is a really
impressive level of detail.

Did you just do this from memory?

Yeah.

Wow. I guess I didn't realize

how obsessed you are with me.

What?

Well, it's almost sad.

Poor Garrett, pining after a woman

who barely knows he's alive.

No, I think you are reading
way too much into a drawing.

I draw Garfield too.

I don't want to have sex
with Garfield. I'm not Jon.

Stop!

Emma is the spitting image
of you by the way.

Oh, I know. I'm trying not to cry.

Yesterday she was this
little girl in pigtails

running around the house,

and now she's this smart, confident,

beautiful young woman.

You must be so proud.

I am.

And pretty soon, you're
gonna be at her graduation

and then her wedding, then her funeral.

What?

I mean, you know, someday. Not now.

She's not gonna live forever.

Hopefully you'll die first.

Okay.

I'm gonna go, um,

mingle with some other... over there.

She didn't mean it.

- Oh.
- Wow, she is a robot.

Hey, have you tried these?

These are called pastelitos de perro.

It's a traditional Honduran food.

Those are pizza rolls.

Oh.

The Honduran food is here.

Oh, well, that's what I want.

I'm not some boring gringo, you know.

Well, give that spice.
Show me the mole.

Oh, that's it.

♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪

- You're Emma's hero, Amy.
- You really are.

♪ Everything I would like to be ♪

- You're her role model.
- She's your only daughter.

♪ I can fly higher than an eagle ♪

- Leaving the nest so soon.
- Never coming back.

♪ You are the wind beneath Emma's ♪

♪ Wings ♪

Thank you, guys. Very cool. Thank you.

Do you have the dead grandma
song from "Coco"?

No, no, maybe we should get
back to the dancing.

I think you're gonna wanna hear this.

You're gonna wanna
hear this, definitely.

Like at night, when
you fantasize about me,

do you think of a specific
incident of us having sex,

or is it more just picturing me
there in the moment?

- Please stop.
- All right.

If you're not obsessed with me,
then I guess you won't care

if I ask McLovin over there to dance.

- Be my guest.
- Okay, I will.

Hey, acne... Let's dance.

Me? Yeah. Sure. We did
ballroom in gym one time.

Oh, good.

Hey.

Hey.

Everything all right?

Yeah, I hear ya.

Look, I'm sorry about all
the... you know, the ice

and the speech, the towel incident.

I really didn't think
that you were home.

I...

I really like your Mom
and I know she loves you

and then I get all in my head
about wanting you to like me.

And then...

I am so high.

- What?
- I'm freaking out.

Oh.

My cousin Marco brought a vape pen,

and, at first, I didn't feel anything

and so I did some more

and then I wasn't even sure
if there was anything in it

because Marco is a liar

and now I am very feeling
something a lot.

Okay, okay,
it's... it's... it's gonna be okay.

I feel like my heart's
filling with blood.

Then it's doing its job.

Listen, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get your Mom...

No, no, you can't tell my parents.

Right. Right. Right. Okay. Okay.

Well, then we're just gonna
sit here and ride it out.

Hey, can I sit with my little princess?

Nah, we're good.

I'd like to sit
with my granddaughter...

Connie, please!

The kid says he thinks
I'm hotter than Tia Carrere.

- Well, no, I...
- Yeah, yeah.

He's super into me!

Okay, cool.

What is she doing?

She's trying to seduce
a 15-year-old kid

in order to make me jealous.

- Is it working?
- Not really.

This is a really nice party.

You know, this whole tent

and the DJ and the centerpieces...

you went... I mean, you went for it.

Yeah, yeah, I did, thank you.

It was really nice
to be able to this for her.

Yeah.

And when it's time for her wedding,

I will...
I will handle the lion's share.

Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it.

It's good. I got it covered.

I actually just bought
some stock in a drone company,

so it's gonna even out pretty quick.

Sounds promising.

Those things are gonna be everywhere,

flying.

This is my first quinceañera!

I love your Latinx traditions.

Huh? How am I doing?

All right,

I'd like to ask everybody
to please clear the floor.

It's now time for
the father-daughter dance.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

- It's gonna be fine.
- He's gonna know.

He's gonna know.
No, he's not gonna know.

You can do this.

Okay. Okay.

Gonna be great.

Okay, maybe just try to walk normal.

Is this not normal?

No, no, no, no, no, no,
this is... this is great.

This is how people walk. You got it.

- She looks nervous.
- It's fine.

♪ When I'm afraid?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what? Sorry.

Uh, I think, actually, we're
gonna try and squeeze one in,

uh, before the father-daughter.

What?

And this is the song we practiced to.

Yeah, uh, well,
we can play it again for you.

You know, I'm sure the DJ has
a repeat button on the thing.

- What?
- Jonah.

- Hmm?
- You need to sit down.

No, no, not until
this song is over, at least,

and maybe... maybe just a few
more after that, you know?

You're makin' it weird, dog.
Just let her go.

Let her go!

Not... not gonna happen, Connie.

So this has one terabyte on it.

If you could just put all
the raw footage on there.

You don't have to edit it.
I'll take care of that.

This is fun.

I know. I'm sorry.
I ruined the quinceañera.

I made it weird.
I-I-I don't know why I...

She was high.

She told me.

Ah.

That was a very nice thing you did.

But, uh, for future reference,

the next time my child
is on drugs, tell me.

Got it.

I did see Parker snorting cocaine

off his "Paw Patrol" table last week.

Oh, yeah, no, I knew about that one.

Hey, Amy, you've gotta see
this video of a deaf kid

hearing his mother's voice
for the first time.

Um, I'm okay, thank you.

It's really moving, though.

Just not... not right now.

Ow!

Ow! What the hell, Cheyenne?

Um, uh, I'm sorry.

I was just trying something.
It didn't work, okay.

Sorry, night, okay.

You really should've kick her back.