Superstore (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - Minor Crimes - full transcript
Amy jumps at an amazing career opportunity, only to run up against an exec with a major grudge against her. Jonah and Mateo help Glenn with a financial problem, while Garrett and Cheyenne struggle to spend a day without cell phones.
Attention Cloud 9
shoppers and employees.
I, uh... I just wanted
to take this moment
to, uh...
Uh, to... to say goodbye.
This is my last day as manager here.
I am stepping down to spend
more time with my family.
Pretty emotional for a guy
who only demoted himself
to floor worker.
Yeah, you'd think
he'd mention that part.
No, he's getting to it.
He's been doing the
same speech every hour.
He wants to cover
as many customers as possible.
I've heard it five times.
He's getting really good at it.
My second family.
While you've been helping
people find light bulbs
and paper towels,
you've also been
helping me find myself.
And guys, I say this a lot,
but we really need to wet down
those raccoon droppings
before we sweep.
Dry sweeping is the reason
why those roundworm eggs go airborne.
God, I just realized
this is the last time
I'm going to tell you guys
to spray your droppings.
- Aww.
- And I finally get to stop
sucking up to this guy. Right?
That's what you've been doing?
- Yeah.
- So now
that you're becoming a floor worker,
what do we call you?
Glenn's fine.
- Glenn?
- Mm-hmm.
Feels weird.
Does this mean Dina's gonna be manager?
No, thank you.
Though I will outrank Glenn,
who will be right below Marcus
and just above Jonah.
You rank us?
And I'm below Marcus?
That's crazy. I'm the worst.
It's that kind of self-awareness
that keeps you a notch above Jonah.
- So who's taking over?
- Well, I'm hoping it's Amy.
- What?
- Cool!
I mean, I doubt it.
I have to get Laurie to interview me,
and she hates me.
Oh, I'm sure she doesn't hate you.
Eh, she's made some comments.
Oh, here he does. Here he goes.
Okay, chowder's headed down south.
- Oh, my God!
- Eww!
- Oh, God! I hate this!
- Excuse me.
One second. It's almost done.
Oh, I think it's done now.
Oh, hey. Hi, Laurie.
It's, uh... uh, been a minute.
Um, is your hair the same?
Yes.
Sorry, we were just watching HotNuts.
What's HotNuts?
YouTube guy pours
hot liquids on his genitals.
Beverages, soups.
Hmm, sounds brilliant.
So where should our phones be
during work hours?
- Um, in our pockets.
- In your lockers.
In our lockers, right. Yeah.
So why don't you go do that now, okay?
Nice to see you guys.
Man, I really wanted to show you
the Thanksgiving one he did.
Ah, does he pour hot
gravy down his pants?
Yeah, but he does it with his dad.
It's really nice.
Gosh, you know, everything
in here has a story,
like this hole punch.
Okay, it's only supposed
to be able to do 18 pages,
but one day, I got it to do 25.
I went straight home
and made love to Jerusha that day.
Well, that's a story I'll remember.
Oh yeah. You like it?
You should have it.
Oh, uh, no, I... I...
Oh no, come on, please.
You love it. Take it.
Um, if he gets a hole punch,
can I get this bag full of cash?
- Whoa!
- Oh, that's my rainy day fund.
Corporate sets aside
a certain amount of the budget
for miscellaneous maintenance,
so whenever we don't use it,
I just take out in cash
and set it aside.
You know, just in case.
But they think you spent
this on maintenance.
Yeah, and I would have
if I needed to, but I didn't.
So just leave it there
for the next manager.
Wait, so... so you told them
you spent money you didn't spend.
- Mm-hmm.
- Then you...
took the money and kept it in a bag
hidden in your office.
- Yeah.
- Isn't that embezzlement?
No, embezzlement is when you put jewels
on your jacket.
I think you mean bedazzling.
Which is also a crime.
Oh, hey! Laurie! What's up, girl?
It's been, like, forever.
How's the district manager world?
#DMLife, right?
Uh, I'm still doing
some physical therapy
from when you ran me over
with the golf cart.
Yup, yeah.
Um, well, anyway, since
Glenn is stepping down,
I was wondering if, maybe,
I could interview for the job.
You want to be manager?
Yeah, um, well,
I've been here for 15 years,
and I did really well
in the Cloud 9 Academy.
Oh, wow. Okay.
You did the one day,
uh, training session
near the airport?
I'm not sure what it
being near an airport
has to do with anything.
I'm sorry. I would really love
to interview you, but I actually have
another candidate in mind, so...
- Oh. Okay. Great.
- Yeah.
Well, um, if that guy falls through
or, you know, if
anything else opens up,
I... I would love to throw
my hat in the ring.
Shwoop!
Sorry, I just touched your boob.
Hey guys, you won't be hearing from me
for the next five hours,
but don't worry,
I haven't been kidnapped.
I just can't use my phone.
But if you don't hear
from me after that,
I probably have been kidnapped,
and it was probably my uncle.
He's really nice,
but just statistically...
Stay strong.
You'll be out before you know it.
Oh, shoot. I forgot my phone.
Cheyenne.
Oh, yeah.
Glenn, it's... it's going to be okay.
Just... just breathe
and drink your juice.
Well, not at the same time, obviously.
Maybe they won't
even realize it's gone.
They do an audit every time
there's a management change
at the store. I think
they're going to notice
$27,000 missing.
You can't just return it?
No, 'cause I already
told them that I spent it.
Okay, maybe this helps.
I found this jacket online.
It's beaded, it's exactly $27,000.
So add to cart?
Spending it isn't going to help.
Actually, it might.
- What?
- Yes!
Glenn, can I borrow
$2,000 for sales tax?
- Sure.
- No, not on the coat...
that's bananas... but if you need
to spend it on maintenance,
why don't we just spend it
on maintenance?
How am I supposed to find
$27,000 worth of stuff
to repair in one day?
There's just not
that much stuff that's broken!
Well, there would be if we broke it.
Ugh, I can't wait to have a manager
that's not a paunchy
idiot with elf hair.
Well, it's not gonna be me.
Laurie won't even let me
interview for the job.
She's already decided who she's hiring.
Whoa. It sounds like you need to go
take a big, fat 17-B on her desk.
Eww. What are you talking about?
Rule 17-B. 17-B?
Come on, you know 17-B. 17-B.
B as in boy. Rule 17-B.
You can't just keep saying it...
Any employee who completes
the Cloud 9 Academy
should be granted an interview if...
if a management position
becomes available at their...
- Dina, just say it.
- At their store.
Okay?
She literally has to let you interview.
She's already decided who she's hiring,
so what's the point?
The point is you should get
to make your case.
Look, if you feel awkward asking her,
I'm happy to come back you up.
Laurie Neustadt, you are
in violation of rule 17-B
of Cloud 9 hiring policy.
So you either interview Amy,
or I file a 31-J with Kyle Robichot,
and you do not want me filing
a 31-J with Kyle Robichot.
So that's your move?
You're forcing me to interview you.
- I... I... I...
- Fine.
Whatever, let's just
get this over with.
Knock 'em dead.
So, should I start with
my qualifications?
So I don't really think
that you are qualified,
but, you know,
it is your interview, so...
Okay, all right, um, well,
I've been at Cloud 9 for 15 years.
I have strong relationships
with the staff, and over time,
we have really built
a mutual respect and trust.
Um, sorry, do you need a minute?
No, I'm fine. No. Keep going.
Okay, uh, well,
as far as specifics go...
Yo, yo, yo, it's HotNuts here.
I've undertaken a
number of initiatives.
Uh, for starters,
I streamlined our go-backs process
so that we waste less time in restock,
and also I reorganized
the women's wear section
so that basics like camisoles
and strapless bras
were easier to find
during wedding season.
Oh, God! They look really bad!
I'm not getting this job, am I?
No.
Um, are you scrolling
a block of cheese?
Ugh, I miss my phone!
Yeah, I know. Look, it's only
a couple more hours.
It's the length of a movie.
If I can sit through
"The Hitman's Bodyguard,"
I can make it through this.
- "The Hitman's Bodyguard"?
- Yeah.
You didn't see that? Ryan Reynolds,
Samuel I. Jackson, and uh,
the other guy. He always
plays a bad dude.
Uh, he's British.
- David Beckham.
- No.
He's British,.
Yeah, I know, but that's not who I'm...
it's, uh... oh!
Okay, you know who I'm talking about.
He's in everything.
He was in Harry Potter.
- Oh, Daniel Radcliffe!
- No.
- Daniel Radcliffe is British.
- Yeah, I know. Okay?
All right, I got a real grab bag!
I've got hammers and
wrenches, crowbars.
What do we need a bow and arrow for?
I don't know. It felt... of the world.
Okay, well, where... where...
where do we begin?
I figure we'd knock
a few holes through this wall here.
What, no! This... this wall?
This... this is the wall
that Cody pinned me against
when he was learning
to drive the forklift.
- Glenn, Glenn.
- Come on!
If you don't want to go to jail,
we're gonna have to do some damage.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Go get 'em.
I... I think, uh, I think you wanna...
you wanna put your back into it
a little more.
There you go.
- Ow!
- Oh, oh.
So apparently, I'm just not
qualified enough for the job.
You're more qualified
than Glenn ever was.
Do you want me to seduce her for you?
No. Thank you, though.
Have you ever heard of
something called HotNuts?
Oh yeah, that guy's great.
He's worth, like, 10 million dollars.
Excuse me, folks,
can everyone gather up?
Um, I'd like to introduce
you all to someone.
This is, uh, Blaine Neustadt,
and he's going to be taking over
for Glenn as manager.
You... you... uh, excuse me, Neustadt?
As in, like, your last name?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Not that it's any
of your business, but yes,
Glenn is my son,
but that has nothing to do
with why he got hired here.
Wow, you do not look old
enough to be her son.
That's an odd thing to say.
Ah, I just want to say hey everyone!
Uh, I'm so excited to be here.
This is so cool to be part
of this great team.
Uh, mostly I am very excited
to be done doing Postmates.
Oh, my car reeks.
This is a good choice
if you're looking for graphics
and raw processing power.
Um, for example, I'll just
pull up my Instagram account.
Oh, I'm just looking
for a "get well" gift
for my mother-in-law.
She doesn't use a computer.
What? Corona and Stacy S.
Are hanging out at Chili's?
I hate them!
Like.
Okay, so I heard that
if you look directly
into the scanner light,
you instantly go blind.
This weirdly makes me feel better,
'cause it wasn't about me
being unqualified.
She just wanted to hire her son.
Yeah, but you can't let her do that.
You need to go back
up to her and tell her
that she needs to either give
you a real shot at this job,
or you'll go to corporate and tell them
about her little nepotism hire.
No, I'm not gonna go
tell on her like I'm 12.
Besides, corporate doesn't care.
It would be a waste of my time.
Hey, um, you're
the floor supervisor, right?
Uh-huh.
Great, awesome, um.
Can you tell me where inventory is?
Uh, yeah, it's sort of all around us.
Yes, yes, thank you.
I will... I will go look
into that. Thank you.
- Can we talk?
- No!
Oh, God.
I'm sorry. You're busy.
- Get out! Go!
- Never mind.
Amy! The Aiming of the Shrew.
Hey, Laurie.
I have been meaning to talk to you.
I want to make you a manager.
Um, what?
What, uh, me? What about Blaine?
He... Blaine's great. Um, it's just...
you know, I've been thinking about it,
and I looked through your
file, and clearly,
you're the most qualified
person here, so...
Um, wow.
That is a lot to take in
all of a sudden.
Big, big opportunity.
I know, um,
just before I say yes or no,
I just want to be clear.
Um, if you're offering it to me
because I'm the best person
for the job, then yes!
I will take and I will be kick-ass.
But if you're offering it
to me because of...
Then, uh, you know,
you don't have to do that.
It's not like I'm going
to go tell anyone.
Really? Wow.
Okay. I appreciate that.
Not too many people would do that.
Thank you.
Sorry, wait, I'm sorry.
Uh, so where did we land exactly?
- What do you mean?
- Do I have the job?
But I thought you just turned it down.
Well, no, I mean, that just...
only if you were offering it to me
because of the drug thing,
but if you were offering it to me
because of my abilities,
then...
Hmm.
So this is awkward.
Go, go, go.
Okay, no. You know this guy.
He's a British actor, he's older,
he likes being weird,
he's always doing stuff with his hair.
Sometimes it's long,
sometimes it's short.
He was in Batman.
Oh, uh, Christian Bale.
No, no, no. He wasn't Batman.
Like I said, he's older.
Just... just look it up on your phone.
Michael Caine.
No, it's not Michael...
just pull up IMDB!
Dude, it's Michael Caine!
He plays the butler.
Yeah, I know he plays the butler.
- The Joker?
- Yeah,
the older British actor
I'm thinking of is the Joker.
Thank you.
I like movies.
And then she just offered me the job.
This is awesome! You and me,
manager, assistant manager?
Oh, it's going to be like
we're Bush and Cheney.
You know, I'm the brains
pulling all the strings
behind the scenes, and you're
the super sexy puppet.
What... I'm... I'm...
I didn't take the job.
What? Why?
Because that's not how
I wanna get the job.
If they're going to hire me,
I want it to be because
I'm the most qualified person.
Hey, so I guess we're
just out of green beans.
Should I get somebody to go
buy more from another Cloud 9?
Is that really
what you think you should do?
I guess. Right?
I just hope they're not selling
them for more than we are,
or else we're losing money on this.
Okay.
There is a lot of damage around here.
Yeah, I know.
It was a gang of teenaged hoodlums.
You know, slicked hair,
leather jackets,
combs in their back pockets.
Uh, total, I'd say you're
looking at $18,000 for repairs.
$18,000?
Yeah, there's a lot to do around here.
I thought it would be
more like $27,000.
You never charge me this little.
The truth is...
I've been overbilling you for years,
but I recently quit drinking
and I'm trying to be a better person.
I can do it for $15,000,
but that's final.
$15,000, but that's crazy!
No, it's not crazy.
It's... it's me trying to be
a better person.
Can you go with me on this one?
Yeah, okay.
I'm just gonna say it.
Blaine is sexy,
but he is not a good manager.
He keeps pointing at me and goes,
"This guy gets it,"
and I don't. I don't get it.
Well, none of us would have
to deal with Blaine
if someone had taken the management job
when Laurie offered it to her.
- What?
- Uh, wait.
She gave you the job?
No. No.
I mean, technically yes, she did,
but only because I walked in on her
doing something embarrassing.
Let's just say it involved
her nose and cocaine.
What?
Oh, my God!
So you could've had the job,
but you turned it down?
Guys, I'm not going to blackmail my way
into being the manager.
I should get it because I earned it.
Right, just like Blaine earned it
by coming out of the district manager.
He was born into power
like Prince Charles.
At least you're working for it
like Meghan Markle.
Anyway, your blackmail
cancels out his nepotism.
And it'd be a lot better for us.
I mean I rather work for you
than a guy my own age.
Oh, honey.
You got to do what's
for the greater good.
If you could cure cancer,
but you had to blow up
a bus full of children,
wouldn't you do it?
I mean, I guess?
Just take the job.
You're not just doing it for you.
You're doing it for all of us.
I mean, I guess I would be
better than Blaine.
- Yeah.
- Hey Amy, guess what?
One of the kids
on that bus had the cure.
Twist ending.
Okay, well,
maybe prison won't be too bad.
You know, maybe I can be
the guy that tells the warden
that the other guys
are doing bad things
and I'll just work my way up.
Glenn, you're not going
to go to prison, okay?
It's fine. We... we
just need to do about...
what, 12 grand worth of damage
- in... in the next hour.
- Oh.
We have fertilizer
in the garden center.
We can make a bomb.
I feel like going from embezzlement
to domestic terrorism
is the wrong direction.
We could hire termites
to eat the store.
- How do you hire termites?
- I don't know, with wood?
Guys, no. No more.
She's been through enough.
Gary Oldman.
Gary Oldman!
Yes, it's Gary Oldman!
Oh!
I don't know who that is.
Hey, Laur of the Rings.
Hello, Amy.
Um, I was thinking a little bit more
about... about what you said before,
uh, regarding, you know,
who is a better fit here.
Oh, right.
Yes, except I already told corporate
that I gave the job to Blaine, so...
Oh, okay.
Uh, well, um...
speaking of... of telling things
to corporate,
just wanted to let you know that I...
I haven't said anything to them yet
about the, um...
Cocaína.
That's cocaine.
Right.
Um, thank you.
Uh, you are a very good person.
Well, I mean, am I?
I don't know.
I would just really hate
for corporate to ever find out,
because that would be bad, Laurie-wise.
Are you blackmailing me?
No. No.
God, no. No. Sorry.
Okay.
Okay, yes, I am blackmailing you!
If you don't give me the job,
I will call corporate
and tell them that you are
a huge [bleep] cokehead.
Really? That's the picture you chose?
I had to blow up the staff photo.
I couldn't find any other photos of you
other than the one
from Cheyenne's wedding,
but with all the hair and makeup,
it looked like you were trying
to be a supermodel.
Yeah. Good call.
I think it looks good,
Boss.
Well, I'm sorry we couldn't
get you all the way.
Yeah, but you tried your best,
and I really appreciate that.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yup, don't worry about me.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
I can't believe he's not freaking out.
Yeah, well, I mean,
once you finally decide
to tell the truth...
wait, what's he...
- Whoa, no, stop!
- No, no, no, no, no!
Oh!
Glenn!
- Oh, my God, Glenn!
- Are you okay?
That ought to cover it, right?
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah, I thought so.
shoppers and employees.
I, uh... I just wanted
to take this moment
to, uh...
Uh, to... to say goodbye.
This is my last day as manager here.
I am stepping down to spend
more time with my family.
Pretty emotional for a guy
who only demoted himself
to floor worker.
Yeah, you'd think
he'd mention that part.
No, he's getting to it.
He's been doing the
same speech every hour.
He wants to cover
as many customers as possible.
I've heard it five times.
He's getting really good at it.
My second family.
While you've been helping
people find light bulbs
and paper towels,
you've also been
helping me find myself.
And guys, I say this a lot,
but we really need to wet down
those raccoon droppings
before we sweep.
Dry sweeping is the reason
why those roundworm eggs go airborne.
God, I just realized
this is the last time
I'm going to tell you guys
to spray your droppings.
- Aww.
- And I finally get to stop
sucking up to this guy. Right?
That's what you've been doing?
- Yeah.
- So now
that you're becoming a floor worker,
what do we call you?
Glenn's fine.
- Glenn?
- Mm-hmm.
Feels weird.
Does this mean Dina's gonna be manager?
No, thank you.
Though I will outrank Glenn,
who will be right below Marcus
and just above Jonah.
You rank us?
And I'm below Marcus?
That's crazy. I'm the worst.
It's that kind of self-awareness
that keeps you a notch above Jonah.
- So who's taking over?
- Well, I'm hoping it's Amy.
- What?
- Cool!
I mean, I doubt it.
I have to get Laurie to interview me,
and she hates me.
Oh, I'm sure she doesn't hate you.
Eh, she's made some comments.
Oh, here he does. Here he goes.
Okay, chowder's headed down south.
- Oh, my God!
- Eww!
- Oh, God! I hate this!
- Excuse me.
One second. It's almost done.
Oh, I think it's done now.
Oh, hey. Hi, Laurie.
It's, uh... uh, been a minute.
Um, is your hair the same?
Yes.
Sorry, we were just watching HotNuts.
What's HotNuts?
YouTube guy pours
hot liquids on his genitals.
Beverages, soups.
Hmm, sounds brilliant.
So where should our phones be
during work hours?
- Um, in our pockets.
- In your lockers.
In our lockers, right. Yeah.
So why don't you go do that now, okay?
Nice to see you guys.
Man, I really wanted to show you
the Thanksgiving one he did.
Ah, does he pour hot
gravy down his pants?
Yeah, but he does it with his dad.
It's really nice.
Gosh, you know, everything
in here has a story,
like this hole punch.
Okay, it's only supposed
to be able to do 18 pages,
but one day, I got it to do 25.
I went straight home
and made love to Jerusha that day.
Well, that's a story I'll remember.
Oh yeah. You like it?
You should have it.
Oh, uh, no, I... I...
Oh no, come on, please.
You love it. Take it.
Um, if he gets a hole punch,
can I get this bag full of cash?
- Whoa!
- Oh, that's my rainy day fund.
Corporate sets aside
a certain amount of the budget
for miscellaneous maintenance,
so whenever we don't use it,
I just take out in cash
and set it aside.
You know, just in case.
But they think you spent
this on maintenance.
Yeah, and I would have
if I needed to, but I didn't.
So just leave it there
for the next manager.
Wait, so... so you told them
you spent money you didn't spend.
- Mm-hmm.
- Then you...
took the money and kept it in a bag
hidden in your office.
- Yeah.
- Isn't that embezzlement?
No, embezzlement is when you put jewels
on your jacket.
I think you mean bedazzling.
Which is also a crime.
Oh, hey! Laurie! What's up, girl?
It's been, like, forever.
How's the district manager world?
#DMLife, right?
Uh, I'm still doing
some physical therapy
from when you ran me over
with the golf cart.
Yup, yeah.
Um, well, anyway, since
Glenn is stepping down,
I was wondering if, maybe,
I could interview for the job.
You want to be manager?
Yeah, um, well,
I've been here for 15 years,
and I did really well
in the Cloud 9 Academy.
Oh, wow. Okay.
You did the one day,
uh, training session
near the airport?
I'm not sure what it
being near an airport
has to do with anything.
I'm sorry. I would really love
to interview you, but I actually have
another candidate in mind, so...
- Oh. Okay. Great.
- Yeah.
Well, um, if that guy falls through
or, you know, if
anything else opens up,
I... I would love to throw
my hat in the ring.
Shwoop!
Sorry, I just touched your boob.
Hey guys, you won't be hearing from me
for the next five hours,
but don't worry,
I haven't been kidnapped.
I just can't use my phone.
But if you don't hear
from me after that,
I probably have been kidnapped,
and it was probably my uncle.
He's really nice,
but just statistically...
Stay strong.
You'll be out before you know it.
Oh, shoot. I forgot my phone.
Cheyenne.
Oh, yeah.
Glenn, it's... it's going to be okay.
Just... just breathe
and drink your juice.
Well, not at the same time, obviously.
Maybe they won't
even realize it's gone.
They do an audit every time
there's a management change
at the store. I think
they're going to notice
$27,000 missing.
You can't just return it?
No, 'cause I already
told them that I spent it.
Okay, maybe this helps.
I found this jacket online.
It's beaded, it's exactly $27,000.
So add to cart?
Spending it isn't going to help.
Actually, it might.
- What?
- Yes!
Glenn, can I borrow
$2,000 for sales tax?
- Sure.
- No, not on the coat...
that's bananas... but if you need
to spend it on maintenance,
why don't we just spend it
on maintenance?
How am I supposed to find
$27,000 worth of stuff
to repair in one day?
There's just not
that much stuff that's broken!
Well, there would be if we broke it.
Ugh, I can't wait to have a manager
that's not a paunchy
idiot with elf hair.
Well, it's not gonna be me.
Laurie won't even let me
interview for the job.
She's already decided who she's hiring.
Whoa. It sounds like you need to go
take a big, fat 17-B on her desk.
Eww. What are you talking about?
Rule 17-B. 17-B?
Come on, you know 17-B. 17-B.
B as in boy. Rule 17-B.
You can't just keep saying it...
Any employee who completes
the Cloud 9 Academy
should be granted an interview if...
if a management position
becomes available at their...
- Dina, just say it.
- At their store.
Okay?
She literally has to let you interview.
She's already decided who she's hiring,
so what's the point?
The point is you should get
to make your case.
Look, if you feel awkward asking her,
I'm happy to come back you up.
Laurie Neustadt, you are
in violation of rule 17-B
of Cloud 9 hiring policy.
So you either interview Amy,
or I file a 31-J with Kyle Robichot,
and you do not want me filing
a 31-J with Kyle Robichot.
So that's your move?
You're forcing me to interview you.
- I... I... I...
- Fine.
Whatever, let's just
get this over with.
Knock 'em dead.
So, should I start with
my qualifications?
So I don't really think
that you are qualified,
but, you know,
it is your interview, so...
Okay, all right, um, well,
I've been at Cloud 9 for 15 years.
I have strong relationships
with the staff, and over time,
we have really built
a mutual respect and trust.
Um, sorry, do you need a minute?
No, I'm fine. No. Keep going.
Okay, uh, well,
as far as specifics go...
Yo, yo, yo, it's HotNuts here.
I've undertaken a
number of initiatives.
Uh, for starters,
I streamlined our go-backs process
so that we waste less time in restock,
and also I reorganized
the women's wear section
so that basics like camisoles
and strapless bras
were easier to find
during wedding season.
Oh, God! They look really bad!
I'm not getting this job, am I?
No.
Um, are you scrolling
a block of cheese?
Ugh, I miss my phone!
Yeah, I know. Look, it's only
a couple more hours.
It's the length of a movie.
If I can sit through
"The Hitman's Bodyguard,"
I can make it through this.
- "The Hitman's Bodyguard"?
- Yeah.
You didn't see that? Ryan Reynolds,
Samuel I. Jackson, and uh,
the other guy. He always
plays a bad dude.
Uh, he's British.
- David Beckham.
- No.
He's British,.
Yeah, I know, but that's not who I'm...
it's, uh... oh!
Okay, you know who I'm talking about.
He's in everything.
He was in Harry Potter.
- Oh, Daniel Radcliffe!
- No.
- Daniel Radcliffe is British.
- Yeah, I know. Okay?
All right, I got a real grab bag!
I've got hammers and
wrenches, crowbars.
What do we need a bow and arrow for?
I don't know. It felt... of the world.
Okay, well, where... where...
where do we begin?
I figure we'd knock
a few holes through this wall here.
What, no! This... this wall?
This... this is the wall
that Cody pinned me against
when he was learning
to drive the forklift.
- Glenn, Glenn.
- Come on!
If you don't want to go to jail,
we're gonna have to do some damage.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Go get 'em.
I... I think, uh, I think you wanna...
you wanna put your back into it
a little more.
There you go.
- Ow!
- Oh, oh.
So apparently, I'm just not
qualified enough for the job.
You're more qualified
than Glenn ever was.
Do you want me to seduce her for you?
No. Thank you, though.
Have you ever heard of
something called HotNuts?
Oh yeah, that guy's great.
He's worth, like, 10 million dollars.
Excuse me, folks,
can everyone gather up?
Um, I'd like to introduce
you all to someone.
This is, uh, Blaine Neustadt,
and he's going to be taking over
for Glenn as manager.
You... you... uh, excuse me, Neustadt?
As in, like, your last name?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Not that it's any
of your business, but yes,
Glenn is my son,
but that has nothing to do
with why he got hired here.
Wow, you do not look old
enough to be her son.
That's an odd thing to say.
Ah, I just want to say hey everyone!
Uh, I'm so excited to be here.
This is so cool to be part
of this great team.
Uh, mostly I am very excited
to be done doing Postmates.
Oh, my car reeks.
This is a good choice
if you're looking for graphics
and raw processing power.
Um, for example, I'll just
pull up my Instagram account.
Oh, I'm just looking
for a "get well" gift
for my mother-in-law.
She doesn't use a computer.
What? Corona and Stacy S.
Are hanging out at Chili's?
I hate them!
Like.
Okay, so I heard that
if you look directly
into the scanner light,
you instantly go blind.
This weirdly makes me feel better,
'cause it wasn't about me
being unqualified.
She just wanted to hire her son.
Yeah, but you can't let her do that.
You need to go back
up to her and tell her
that she needs to either give
you a real shot at this job,
or you'll go to corporate and tell them
about her little nepotism hire.
No, I'm not gonna go
tell on her like I'm 12.
Besides, corporate doesn't care.
It would be a waste of my time.
Hey, um, you're
the floor supervisor, right?
Uh-huh.
Great, awesome, um.
Can you tell me where inventory is?
Uh, yeah, it's sort of all around us.
Yes, yes, thank you.
I will... I will go look
into that. Thank you.
- Can we talk?
- No!
Oh, God.
I'm sorry. You're busy.
- Get out! Go!
- Never mind.
Amy! The Aiming of the Shrew.
Hey, Laurie.
I have been meaning to talk to you.
I want to make you a manager.
Um, what?
What, uh, me? What about Blaine?
He... Blaine's great. Um, it's just...
you know, I've been thinking about it,
and I looked through your
file, and clearly,
you're the most qualified
person here, so...
Um, wow.
That is a lot to take in
all of a sudden.
Big, big opportunity.
I know, um,
just before I say yes or no,
I just want to be clear.
Um, if you're offering it to me
because I'm the best person
for the job, then yes!
I will take and I will be kick-ass.
But if you're offering it
to me because of...
Then, uh, you know,
you don't have to do that.
It's not like I'm going
to go tell anyone.
Really? Wow.
Okay. I appreciate that.
Not too many people would do that.
Thank you.
Sorry, wait, I'm sorry.
Uh, so where did we land exactly?
- What do you mean?
- Do I have the job?
But I thought you just turned it down.
Well, no, I mean, that just...
only if you were offering it to me
because of the drug thing,
but if you were offering it to me
because of my abilities,
then...
Hmm.
So this is awkward.
Go, go, go.
Okay, no. You know this guy.
He's a British actor, he's older,
he likes being weird,
he's always doing stuff with his hair.
Sometimes it's long,
sometimes it's short.
He was in Batman.
Oh, uh, Christian Bale.
No, no, no. He wasn't Batman.
Like I said, he's older.
Just... just look it up on your phone.
Michael Caine.
No, it's not Michael...
just pull up IMDB!
Dude, it's Michael Caine!
He plays the butler.
Yeah, I know he plays the butler.
- The Joker?
- Yeah,
the older British actor
I'm thinking of is the Joker.
Thank you.
I like movies.
And then she just offered me the job.
This is awesome! You and me,
manager, assistant manager?
Oh, it's going to be like
we're Bush and Cheney.
You know, I'm the brains
pulling all the strings
behind the scenes, and you're
the super sexy puppet.
What... I'm... I'm...
I didn't take the job.
What? Why?
Because that's not how
I wanna get the job.
If they're going to hire me,
I want it to be because
I'm the most qualified person.
Hey, so I guess we're
just out of green beans.
Should I get somebody to go
buy more from another Cloud 9?
Is that really
what you think you should do?
I guess. Right?
I just hope they're not selling
them for more than we are,
or else we're losing money on this.
Okay.
There is a lot of damage around here.
Yeah, I know.
It was a gang of teenaged hoodlums.
You know, slicked hair,
leather jackets,
combs in their back pockets.
Uh, total, I'd say you're
looking at $18,000 for repairs.
$18,000?
Yeah, there's a lot to do around here.
I thought it would be
more like $27,000.
You never charge me this little.
The truth is...
I've been overbilling you for years,
but I recently quit drinking
and I'm trying to be a better person.
I can do it for $15,000,
but that's final.
$15,000, but that's crazy!
No, it's not crazy.
It's... it's me trying to be
a better person.
Can you go with me on this one?
Yeah, okay.
I'm just gonna say it.
Blaine is sexy,
but he is not a good manager.
He keeps pointing at me and goes,
"This guy gets it,"
and I don't. I don't get it.
Well, none of us would have
to deal with Blaine
if someone had taken the management job
when Laurie offered it to her.
- What?
- Uh, wait.
She gave you the job?
No. No.
I mean, technically yes, she did,
but only because I walked in on her
doing something embarrassing.
Let's just say it involved
her nose and cocaine.
What?
Oh, my God!
So you could've had the job,
but you turned it down?
Guys, I'm not going to blackmail my way
into being the manager.
I should get it because I earned it.
Right, just like Blaine earned it
by coming out of the district manager.
He was born into power
like Prince Charles.
At least you're working for it
like Meghan Markle.
Anyway, your blackmail
cancels out his nepotism.
And it'd be a lot better for us.
I mean I rather work for you
than a guy my own age.
Oh, honey.
You got to do what's
for the greater good.
If you could cure cancer,
but you had to blow up
a bus full of children,
wouldn't you do it?
I mean, I guess?
Just take the job.
You're not just doing it for you.
You're doing it for all of us.
I mean, I guess I would be
better than Blaine.
- Yeah.
- Hey Amy, guess what?
One of the kids
on that bus had the cure.
Twist ending.
Okay, well,
maybe prison won't be too bad.
You know, maybe I can be
the guy that tells the warden
that the other guys
are doing bad things
and I'll just work my way up.
Glenn, you're not going
to go to prison, okay?
It's fine. We... we
just need to do about...
what, 12 grand worth of damage
- in... in the next hour.
- Oh.
We have fertilizer
in the garden center.
We can make a bomb.
I feel like going from embezzlement
to domestic terrorism
is the wrong direction.
We could hire termites
to eat the store.
- How do you hire termites?
- I don't know, with wood?
Guys, no. No more.
She's been through enough.
Gary Oldman.
Gary Oldman!
Yes, it's Gary Oldman!
Oh!
I don't know who that is.
Hey, Laur of the Rings.
Hello, Amy.
Um, I was thinking a little bit more
about... about what you said before,
uh, regarding, you know,
who is a better fit here.
Oh, right.
Yes, except I already told corporate
that I gave the job to Blaine, so...
Oh, okay.
Uh, well, um...
speaking of... of telling things
to corporate,
just wanted to let you know that I...
I haven't said anything to them yet
about the, um...
Cocaína.
That's cocaine.
Right.
Um, thank you.
Uh, you are a very good person.
Well, I mean, am I?
I don't know.
I would just really hate
for corporate to ever find out,
because that would be bad, Laurie-wise.
Are you blackmailing me?
No. No.
God, no. No. Sorry.
Okay.
Okay, yes, I am blackmailing you!
If you don't give me the job,
I will call corporate
and tell them that you are
a huge [bleep] cokehead.
Really? That's the picture you chose?
I had to blow up the staff photo.
I couldn't find any other photos of you
other than the one
from Cheyenne's wedding,
but with all the hair and makeup,
it looked like you were trying
to be a supermodel.
Yeah. Good call.
I think it looks good,
Boss.
Well, I'm sorry we couldn't
get you all the way.
Yeah, but you tried your best,
and I really appreciate that.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yup, don't worry about me.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
I can't believe he's not freaking out.
Yeah, well, I mean,
once you finally decide
to tell the truth...
wait, what's he...
- Whoa, no, stop!
- No, no, no, no, no!
Oh!
Glenn!
- Oh, my God, Glenn!
- Are you okay?
That ought to cover it, right?
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah, I thought so.