Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Viral Video - full transcript

Thank you all for
coming in early.

Uh, there's been an
unfortunate incident

we need to discuss.

- What's that in your ear?
- Nothing.

I got it pierced. No big deal.

Oh, wait, hold up. What
are we working with here?

Is that a... a snake
or a lightning bolt?

This is not what I'm here...
it's a guitar.

An electric guitar.

Anyway, Roger from the café,

as most of you may have
heard, has been let go,



uh, for releasing
a Facebook video

in which he was
behaving in a manner

that Cloud 9 does not condone.

Just say it; he
farted in the cups.

- We all saw the video.
- What? I didn't see it.

- It's been taken down.
- Guys...

I saved it. I'll send it to you.

- Thanks, man.
- I don't understand.

Who even thinks of farting
in cups as something to do?

It's so gross! Especially
in the kitchen.

If you think about it,
it's not that gross.

Farts are just air.

- Cheyenne, that's beautiful!
- But it's not exactly true.

Fart air has billions of
fecal particles in it.



I mean, that's what causes the smell...
feces in your nose.

I thought the gas just smelled.

- Fart ingredients.
- Okay, no...

We don't need to do that. That's...
I think the lesson here

is be careful what you
post on social media.

Um, shouldn't the lesson
be: don't fart in cups?

Yes. In a perfect world,

people wouldn't fart in cups,
but we live in the real world.

Um, when you say "be careful,"

what are we not allowed to post?

Because I do a lot
of Instagram videos

and they can be pretty edgy.

- Do you fart in cups?
- No.

Then I think we're pretty good.

You know what? I'm
gonna take a look

at everybody's social media,

make sure everything's
above board.

No, uh, that's not necessary.

Everybody here can self-police.

Uh, why self-police when you
can have actual police?

Ha!

Wait, these cups?

♪ But even the crowd
can't help me now ♪

Hey, guys. It's
your girl, Kelly.

Check out how many balloons
this guy is buying.

What are you guys watching?

Kelly's Instagram videos.
They're adorable.

It better be
somebody's birthday!

Too funny.

But it probably was
someone's birthday.

I know, right? She nailed it.

Okay, is the joke that
it's so boring, or...

Oh, did you guys see the
one with the orange?

- Wait.
- Hey, guys.

It's your girl, Kelly.

So I've been trying
to open this orange

for, like, five minutes.

It's pretty much
just unpeelable.

Here, watch.

Okay, seriously,
that is my life.

I don't understand this.

I sent out a mass email to
all our rewards customers,

you know, to apologize for...

the attack on the cups,

and look!

"Dear, valued customer,

"when humans eat food, it's
processed in the intestines,

producing gas."

Wow, you really took
it from the top.

Yeah, of course. But then look.

A huge number of these things

bounced back, and
that makes me worried

that it's either
Russian hackers...

Could be them.
That's their style.

Or I picked up a virus

looking at those
baptism videos, maybe.

- That's where they are.
- Or...

An employee's inventing
fake customers.

Why would anybody do that?

Well, because you get a dollar

for every rewards card
that you sign up.

What? You get a
dollar per Blue Card?

- Since when?
- Since always.

You know, so theoretically,

employees could just fill
out a bunch of fake forms

and over time, it... God,
that would really add up.

That's... Something I can't
believe people haven't

- been doing the entire time.
- Yeah.

It'd be almost
impossible to trace.

- I get it.
- Except...

Almost all of these customers

were signed up by
the same employee.

Really? Who?

I sign up a lot of...
rewards customers.

I mean, I... can't
remember every single one.

It's just that I noticed

they seem to have
really unusual names.

Ned Duracell.

Jim Toblerone.

And just this morning,
you signed up

a Martin Nestle.

Oh, Martin! Uh, yeah.

I... I remember him.

Uh, good guy. Nice family.

Mateo, can you think
of any reason

why Martin's email bounced back?

He gave me a fake email?

That's one reason. Um...

But another one is...

a-and I'm not
accusing you of this,

but maybe...

- You made him up?
- What?

Glenn!

Wow!

Cheyenne? I need your help

accessing people's social media

before we have another scandal.

I feel like that
lady from "Scandal."

Is her name Scandal?

Um, can't you just
do it yourself?

Don't do social media. Never have.
Never will.

Don't want anyone tracking me.

I only use the Internet
for two things:

buying birdseed, watching porn.

Besides, it'll be fun.

Couple of gals clickin'
and a-clackin'

around the net.

Are you asking me, or
telling me I have to?

I'm telling you you have to,

but in a way that makes it
sound like I'm asking you.

Okay, then I guess I will.

Are you sure?

- Are you doing it again?
- Yeah.

Hey, guys. It's
your girl, Kelly.

You know how sometimes
you get a shopping cart

with a bad wheel?

Well, this one has a
really bad wheel.

AKA, no wheel!

Check it out!

Wheel fail!

Wait, really?

What am I missing here?
This is lame.

- No, I know! So lame.
- It's your girl, Kelly.

I'm just having a
little breakfast,

the most important
meal of the day,

although some people
refuse to eat it.

All your cereals
have marshmallows.

It's like you're
a nine-year-old.

- Oh.
- Well, they're fun, Jonah.

Hey, um, I might need a
ride home later today.

Do you happen to know
where Kelly lives?

Uh, lemme see.

I think I heard she lives
over in Soulard now.

Okay, yeah, great.

And um, what side of the
bed does she sleep on?

Wh...

Well, I don't... why would...

- You know.
- I know.

I-I wasn't, like, trying to
not tell you or anything.

We've just been
kind of laying low.

You know, it hasn't
actually been that long.

Jonah, relax. It's fine.

I think it's great. It's great.

- Kelly's sweet.
- She is.

And besides, I'm
kind of relieved.

I couldn't figure out why you
liked those dumb videos.

- Dumb?
- I mean, I don't mean dumb.

I just mean, like, "Ah, I
can't peel this orange."

It's not exactly a TED talk.

I like her videos.

Mm-hmm. You like her something.

Whatever. You know what?
You're just jealous.

Uh, someone's
flattering himself.

No, I meant jealous that
everybody loves her videos.

Yeah, I know that's
what you meant.

And why would I be
jealous of her videos?

Oh, she filmed herself
microwaving ramen

and she got 100
people to view it.

Yeah, she's Sofia Coppola.

- You couldn't do it.
- Please.

You could get 100 people
to watch anything.

Fine. Then do it.

100 views by the
end of the day...

loser has to clean
the rat traps.

Okay, well then, you're on,

and I hope you like dead rats.

- I hope you like failure.
- I hope you like...

Me winning bets.

- Sick burn.
- Shut up!

♪ It's getting late
to give you up ♪

Hi! It's Cloud9 Amy!

Comin' at you from Cloud 9...

in St. Louis, Missouri,

between aisles seven and eight.

Oh, look! It's a
two-for-one sale!

How come you never
hear of one-for-two?

Oh, probably because no one
would ever pay twice as much.

All right, that is bad.

Can you please not watch me?

How could I not? It's riveting.

Hi! It's Cloud 9 Amy!

Hundreds of fake Blue Cards?

How long have you
been doing this?

I started my second day. I
thought everyone did it!

I mean, it's kind of obvious.

Not to everyone.

Oh, hey, Glenn!

It was really bugging me
that Martin Nestle lied

about his email address,
so I did some digging

and I found his actual email
on his company website.

Boogie-Time Boogie
Boards, Incorporated.

That doesn't look like a very
professional website, does it?

I know, right?

These beach bum types.

Anyway...

There he is. Martin Nestle, CEO.

Huh.

That looks like the
guy from "Twilight."

You saw "Twilight?"

No. Jerusha said I shouldn't.

So I didn't.

I mean...

I guess it kinda looks like him

if you squint.

It's so funny you
know who that is.

Hey, let's see if
they have a page

for buying a boogie
board on there, huh?

I don't think that
the link is up yet.

Click on the "About,"
where it tells you

the story of how the
company started.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Do you have a moment to
watch a short video?

Oh, I'm sorry. I just
moved here from Tampa.

Ooh, Garrett! Have you
watched my video yet?

No. Why?

'Cause I'm trying
to prove to Jonah

that I can get more
views than Kelly.

- Oh, 'cause they're dating?
- What? No.

That doesn't have
anything to do with it.

This is about having
a web presence.

Jeez, Garrett, get with it.

You're right. I'll work
on my self-awareness.

Oh, come on! Still
only 12 views.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers!

Who likes viral videos?

Ma'am? Ma'am?

Man, Facebook is a bust.

It's all baby photos and quizzes

about which "Longmire"
character you are.

Cool. Then I guess we can stop?

Hang on.

Elias went on a date
with two women?

It's probably just his
wife's sister or something.

Mm, yeah. I don't think so.

Oh, my God!

Elias is in a throuple.

Throuple.

Is that like when three
hideous people get together?

- Just three people.
- Oh.

- But yeah, they usually are.
- Hmm.

Hey, Glenn, there's
a customer here

- who wants to talk to a manager.
- Okay.

Hello. Glenn Sturgis speaking.

Yes, this is Martin Nestle.

Well, hello, Mr. Nestle.

Trace this call.

Yeah, I don't have
that technology.

I signed up for a Blue Card

and I think I may have
given the wrong email.

Okay, well, thank you
for calling to tell us.

Are you tracing this call?

While I have you on the phone,

what'd you think of the employee

who signed you up?

His name's Mateo.

And I think he's a real dummy!

A class A stinker!

What are you saying about me?

Oh.

Mr. Sturgis, I need
to get back to work.

Uh, okay, then. Well...

h-have a heavenly day.

Oh. Who were you talking to?

Martin Nestle.

Oh.

Lost the trace.

Did you know Marcus
has a podcast

called "Celebrities
I Would Bone,"

and in every episode
he just lists

celebrities he would bone.

Man, there is an audience
out there for anything.

Oh, wow. Okay, you're
gonna love this.

Remember Anna who had to leave
to take care of her sick mom?

Well, turns out her sick mom
is also a boob surgeon!

Wow!

He went too big.

- She's gonna have back problems.
- Waste of money.

She should've fixed
her face first.

- Yeah.
- Oh, whoops.

You were supposed to go on
your break ten minutes ago.

Oh, um, that's okay.

I'll just sit here and
eat my lunch with you.

Safety always comes... It's
the bottom of the ninth.

What is this?

Just a woman going insane.

Mark down-io! Yee-haw!

Howdy, partner. That was crazy.

How dem cows... Inventor-ium!

Maybe if we took
her phone away...

Don't even think about it.

Yo, yo, yo. It's Cloud 9 Amy

doin' my trick.

Zonin' this aisle to
make it look sick!

You want batteries?
I got loads of D's.

And some frozen peas
full of vitamin C!

Self-check yourself before
you wreck yourself.

Self-check yourself before
you wreck yourself.

Self-check yourself before
you wreck yourself.

Get it?

So?

Wow, Amy.

So fun.

It's a work in progress,

and... and I know it's corny.

That's what makes it funny.
Right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

- So funny.
- Yeah.

Okay.

Thanks.

Is this because
Jonah's dating Kelly?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

I went to theater
camp for two summers.

That was my Audrey II voice.

Calm down. It was fine.

There is no way you should've
gotten away with this.

- You're just jealous.
- I am.

And I'm not even
trying to hide it.

Mateo, I want to apologize,

both for the things
that I said about you,

and for thinking that you would
ever make up a customer.

Well, it's just hard.

I was accused of a
crime by my boss

and role model.

Take the win.

I wanna make it up to you.

How about lunch?

We'll go up to the Beef Barn

and get a... a table
right near the tractor?

Uh, you know, I am actually
starting to get over it.

Mateo, he's trying
to apologize to you.

A nice, long lunch,
just the two of you?

Oh, so lucky!

Glenn, you know, maybe
lunch isn't enough.

- You were really rude to him.
- Oh, yeah, you were.

Maybe stop by a few museums
or something on the way.

- I suppose we could.
- Lunch sounds great.

- Lunch.
- Terrific.

I can't wait!

Hmm.

I'm feeling less jealous.

Kate Upton, Arianna
Grande, Serena Williams,

1994 Meryl Streep,
1995 Meryl Streep,

and the "Wonder Woman" chick.

"Celebrities I Would Bone" is
brought to you by Blue Apron,

a better way to cook...

God, that hour flies by.

Ahhh!

Head into the kitchen where
we make our tasty treats.

Y'all can just kick it while
I drop this sick beat.

This is stupid.

These videos are so stupid.

Two women want that inside them.

What would it take to get
you to sleep with Elias?

$435 grand.

I have a figure for
everyone here.

Yours is only 75
bucks, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

What about Glenn?

There's not enough
money in the world.

This is so stupid.

All of these videos are stupid.

Not everything needs
to be documented.

Look at where I am!

Look at what I ate
for lunch today.

Nobody cares!

We're all becoming these
narcissistic attention whores.

How about we actually...
Okay, at some point

she's gotta see the rats.

Well, you know what?
Watch, don't watch,

I don't care.

But if you like what you saw,
you can follow me on Snapchat,

Instagram, and Twitter
on @Cloud9AmyD.

I don't think she saw the rats.

I don't think so.

I am really looking
forward to this, Mateo.

I don't get to take my
employees to lunch very often.

Well, only the lucky
ones, I guess.

Yeah, I got to take
Jonah to lunch once.

I really got to know him.

You know, his interests,
his background,

his voice.

Oh?

Hey, and since we're
going to Clayton,

you know what's on the way?

Martin Nestle's office.

Maybe we should drop by.

Unless there's some reason
you don't wanna go.

Nope.

I would... love to visit Martin.

Great.

- Great.
- Great.

Great.

Great.

Oh, hey, Jonah, will you help
me read something real quick?

Bam! 15,000 views!

Ha-ha!

- Yep.
- And I only posted it

half an hour ago, which means
there must be a real appetite

for smart social commentary.

I guess I'm cleaning
the rat traps.

Yeah. I guess you are.

Oh, hey, speaking
of the rat traps,

did you get a chance
to watch the video

before you posted it?

No. Why?

I know I never explicitly said

not to post videos of rat
infestations in the kitchen,

but I thought I didn't need to.

Look, I'm sorry.

I should have watched the
video before I posted it.

How 'bout if we just stop
posting videos of the store,

- period.
- Whoa! No way!

- Aw!
- That's not fair!

Amy's screw up shouldn't
overshadow the fact

that there's some really
terrific filmmaking going on.

- Like Kelly's.
- Yes.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Okay, I'm gonna start
compiling a list

of all the things we should
not be posting about,

starting with farting in
cups and rat infestations.

Again, didn't know
the rats were there.

Why did you have to
make a video at all?

- Is it about fame?
- No!

Murdering a clown.

What?

That's something that

we shouldn't post online.

- Murdering a clown?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. "Murdering a clown."

You could just write
"anything illegal."

Look, Amy, are you going
through some kind of

a midlife crisis, is that it?

Is that a new earring?

- Yes, it's a peace sign.
- No.

I was just trying to prove
that I could make a video

that could get a bunch of views.

Does this have something to
do with Jonah dating Kelly?

- Jonah and Kelly?
- Whoa!

- What?
- What? No!

- I knew it.
- Come on.

We were gonna keep
that a secret.

Well, then maybe you shouldn't
have posted about it

on the Internet.

- Thank you.
- Do we need to fill out

one of those relationship
disclosures?

Oh, I'm sorry, you want
to know if you need to

let Corporate know that two
low-level floor workers

are in a relationship?
Yeah, I'm su...

Let me call a board meeting.

Feels like misplaced aggression.

Are we calling it
a relationship?

- Oh, I just meant for the...
- No, I mean... I mean...

- Are you...
- Okay, if you...

Yeah, no. I'm... I'm cool.

- Cool.
- Cool.

♪ I hear the secrets
that you keep ♪

♪ When you're talking
in your sleep ♪

Weird that this is a
boogie board company.

Guess he runs his
business out of his home?

Less overhead.

Mm.

Well, he's obviously
not here, so we sh...

- Hello?
- Oh, hello.

- Hello.
- So sorry to bother you,

- but is Martin Nestle here?
- Who?

Martin Nestle.

This is Boogie-Time Boogie
Board, Incorporated, isn't it?

What's a boogie board?

And 11 stitches there.

Wow. You really do
have a lot of scars.

Well, that's why I
switched to birds.

Chimps are very violent.

And they're constantly
masturbating.

Birds do it less.

And when a bird orgasms,

it's the most beautiful
song you've ever heard.

That's cool.

It is. It is cool.

Gosh.

You know, I'm actually
almost excited

Roger decided to fart in all
those cups and film it,

because...

It gave us a chance to get
to know each other better.

You wanna know something funny?

Uh, yeah!

I was the one who
filmed him doing it.

- Stop.
- Plus, I dared him to do it.

I was like, "I bet you can't
fart into those cups,"

even though I totally
knew he could.

That's hilarious!

I know, right?

Oh, my gosh.

Well, I... I just gotta
go grab the form

to write you up.

Oh, but thank you so much
for sharing that with me.

It means a lot.

Oh, my God.

So, I guess that's it then.

There's no Martin Nestle!

I made him up.

I made them all up,

but I am sorry.

See? That, I find
difficult to believe.

Okay, what can I do to
show you that I mean it?

Well...

Let me just make a quick call.

Oh, you don't really have
to clean out the rat traps.

Ah-ah-ah, a bet is a
bet, and you won.

Yeah, that's not exactly
how I wanted to win.

Here, I'll give you a hand.

All right! Let's do this.

- All right.
- Oh! You already have help.

Oh, well, I worked fast food
jobs through high school,

so I know my way
around a rat trap.

So many talents.

Your weapon.

All right. Oh.

Okay, well, then I
guess I will just, uh,

- leave you to it.
- Bye!

Later.

Fun fact. That is
just blueberry soda.

I now baptize you for the
forgiveness of your sins!

I feel it working.

That's the Jesus!

Now, come on, I'll buy you that
magnet from the gift shop.