Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Christmas Eve - full transcript

Uh-uh, nope, not gonna happen.

Hey. Dina, is something wrong?

You know the rules. No
religious crap in the store.

Religious cr... Oh, this?

This is just a
winter barn display.

With a Baby Jesus
and Three Wise Men?

That is a normal barn baby

and three men of
average intelligence.

No, below average.

No, average.

Oh, wow. Well, I feel foolish.



It's an honest mistake.

I can't believe that I thought

this guy was a wise man.

What a stupid,
stupid dummy I am.

You're not that stupid.

I mean, I guess if this was
someone from the Bible,

you'd probably be pretty
upset if I did this.

- Yeah, I probably would be.
- Probably would be, yeah.

And I-I guess then you'd
also be upset if I did this.

Oh!

His head popped off.

It's so much fun kicking them.

- Isn't it?
- Yeah.

Guess that brings us to
this little gentleman.



Okay, could you just...

Born with a simple destiny...

to be punted across
a Cloud 9 store.

She... could... go...
all... the... way!

Wait, give me that!
That's Baby Jesus!

That is sweet little Baby Jesus!

You leave him
alone, you monster!

They're all dolls, Glenn.

♪

Come on, I don't know if it's
a bulb or a stripped wire.

Glenn, you've been trying

for two months to
solve this problem.

I really don't think
you're gonna crack it

on Christmas Eve.

My grandmother would
kill me for saying this,

but I just don't get why people make
such a big deal out of Christmas.

- What?
- I mean, real talk...

Christmas is pretty
disappointing and overhyped.

- It's kind of like "Star Wars."
- Whoa!

- You don't like "Star Wars"?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can we just one-at-a-time this?

It's not about a day.

It's about looking back

on the year we shared
and celebrating it.

Yeah, let's celebrate the
year a tornado hit the store.

My entire apartment
got destroyed.

I got a really
annoying roommate,

- and he won't leave.
- I got a divorce.

My boyfriend wound up in a coma.

- I am looking for a place.
- Not looking hard enough.

- It's just a sucky year.
- The doctors aren't sure

- if he'll ever even...
- Cheyenne, can I have

- the voltage tester, please?
- But I do have to say

I'm looking forward
to next year.

I really feel like it's time
to just start living life.

You know? Like, I don't know.

- I feel like I can get wilder.
- Oh, God.

You're not gonna cut your
hair again, are you?

No. I mean, maybe.

I don't know. I
just mean, like...

finally taking those
motorcycle lessons,

or skydiving, or, like,

maybe I'll get a tattoo.

Okay. Okay.

There's just no way
you're doing any of that.

I'm serious. I-I'm going
to unleash crazy Amy.

- You guys can call me "Craymie."
- Uh, no, thanks.

- Cray...
- Not doing that.

- Amy, Craymie.
- Mm-hmm.

All right, well, that
was just a idea.

Feels forced.

♪ What a bright time,
it's the right time ♪

♪ To rock the night away ♪

♪ Jingle bell... ♪

Oh, dear God, it's
cold out here.

You're telling me.

Well, it's, uh, toasty inside,

and you're not really getting
any foot traffic anyway.

So would you mind stepping
away from the door?

- I'm sorry?
- You keep activating

the automatic doors and
letting the heat out.

Also, the bell ringing...
could you slow it down?

Right now you're at a
bell, two, three, four.

Why don't you try a bell...

two...

three... four?

I only ask you because it's...
it's just so annoying.

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Who's a good boy?

I think I saw the raccoon
feces somewhere around...

Oh! Did someone leave hot cocoa

in the middle of the store...

with double the amount
of cocoa powder?

It's so Christmas, huh?

Listen, Glenn, I know
what you're trying to do.

But I'm actually trying to
limit my carbs right now.

- So just...
- Just try it.

- No, I don't want to.
- Try the cocoa.

- No.
- It's from Santa Claus.

- Glenn.
- Okay, fine. I'll go first.

It's actually scalding hot,
so maybe give it a minute.

♪

Oh, great.

- Narc alert.
- Oh, it's the fun police.

- Time to get written up.
- Mm-hmm.

Why would you just assume
I'm gonna turn you in?

I mean, it's nothing
personal, but...

Yeah, you just always
act all lame and stuff.

- Like a narc.
- Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.

I don't understand

why everyone thinks I'm
this little boring...

All right, well, would
a narc do this?

That was the tiniest
sip I've ever seen.

It feels like what
a narc would do

- to prove they're not a narc.
- Yeah.

Okay, well, how about this?

I mean, now you're just
stealing my alcohol.

Ugh.

Oh, hey, man. Merry Christmas.

Oh, wow. Thank you, Garrett.

This is...

I know things have been
a little tense lately.

And I guess, you know,
when you work with someone

you also live with,
things can be a little...

Oh, is that a... is
this a bath mat?

Yeah, I just figured it'd
be something you could use

based on the puddles
by the shower.

- Well, this is awesome.
- Yeah, right?

Thank you.

You know, I haven't
bought your gift yet.

- Oh, not necessary.
- But I was thinking, you know,

what about noise-canceling
headphones?

You know? So you don't...
you don't have

to keep banging on the wall every
time I make the tiniest peep.

Or you could save some money

and just quit it with the
harmonica lessons on YouTube.

- That would be a gift.
- Ha! Yeah.

- Yeah, it would be.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- Oh, it could be.
- Uh-huh.

- It could be.
- Yeah.

- Ah, anyway, good talk.
- Oh, great talk.

- Incredible talk.
- Marvelous talk.

Awesome talk. I'm
out of earshot.

And then another time,
I thought Jerry came

out of his coma
and winked at me,

but turns out, it was just a
muscle spasm from low folic acid.

- Uh-huh.
- Did you check the twitch

for Morse Code? He could
have been telling you

to stop talking,
or it's possible

he's in so much pain,
he's just begging anyone

to pull the plug. I think
that's what it was.

Yo, yo, yo. Cheer up, losers!

- It's Christmas!
- What are you doing?

- Turning this into a par-tay.
- Uh-oh!

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- I have ecstasy in my car.
- We'll start here

and then see where
the day takes us.

Spread the word, bitches.
Craymie in the house!

Yeah, go, Creamy! Go, Creamy!

Creamy is here!

- Who's Creamy?
- I don't... uh...

I don't know.

♪ Out of all the reindeer ♪

♪ You know you're
the mastermind ♪

♪ Run, run, Rudolph, Randolph
ain't too far behind ♪

- Oh!
- Yes!

All right, listen,
it is dangerously

cold out here, and I cannot turn

a blind eye to this,
not on Christmas.

- Thank you.
- Come on, little buddy.

You'll be warm inside.

Bell... two..three... four.

You just didn't know me before.

Like, before I was married,
when I was in high school,

I was... wild.

Uh, I was, you guys.
I was a teen mom.

- Yeah, but weren't you 19?
- Still a teen.

In some countries,
that's considered late.

Angola, for instance.

Okay, well, we're not in
stupid Angola, Marcus.

Uh, good, 'cause
you wouldn't last

- five minutes there.
- No, you guys, I'm serious.

I used to, like,
shoplift bulk candy

and, like, run, and one
time I stole a car.

Yeah.

- Okay.
- No, you guys, I did.

It was 10th grade.

I took my math teacher's Kia,

drove it to the Burger King,
got some French toast sticks,

and then I just left it there...
like, bounced.

The French toast sticks
were a little too specific.

But nice try.

Yeah, you would never do that.

No, I did do that.

You know what? I
could call Adam.

He'll tell you the whole story.

- Mm-hmm.
- All right.

- Call him.
- Okay. I will.

And then we'll see who's crazy.

I had a ton of friends
in high school.

It was awesome.

- Amy?
- Adam, hi.

Yeah, it's Amy. Um, okay, so...

tell everyone about that one...
do you remember...

- Start a fire, or...
- Shh, shh.

- Who was that?
- Uh, that's, uh...

That's Bridgett. Emma's
friend Crystal's mom.

Wait, Crystal's over? I
thought Emma was away.

No, I'm at her place.
Um, what did you want?

Nothing. Merry Christmas.

Ha ha. Chickened out.

Couldn't even ask about the car.

Boom!

- Oh, yes, yes!
- Ugh!

♪ Feliz Navidad, próspero
año y felicidad ♪

You see all the dirt,
grime, and gum?

That gets on the
bottom of your shoes,

and then you put your
shoes on my couch.

Which is why I lay my
shoes on their side

so that the soles don't
touch the fabric.

Oh, you know, I think
you're working too hard.

Why don't you just
take off your shoes?

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, guys?

There's a dad here with his kid,

asking where the store Santa is.

Tell him to check
the drunk tank.

Apparently Santa's Christmas
cheer level was at a .08.

Maybe Santa has to drink
because Mrs. Claus

won't get off his back
about shoes on the couch.

Call me Mrs. Claus
one more time.

Guys, they drove an
hour to get here.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from me, too.
I'm an elf.

Well, I've come up with my
New Year's resolutions...

more birds, more sex, more Judo.

And I'm gonna try to
pepper, "Yas, queen,"

into conversation more...
I think it's time.

We're checking out that skank

that Amy's ex-husband
is sleeping with.

No, uh-uh. We don't know that
they're sleeping together.

There's a lot of reasons he
could be at that skank's house.

- Oh, there she is.
- Mmm.

Always, like, lurking around,

waiting for a dad to
come on the market.

Yeah, she's so...

both: Basic.

Adam got with that?

Guy's fighting above
his weight class.

Good for him.

♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly ♪

♪ Rockin' around the
Christmas tree ♪

♪ Have a happy... ♪

I've never done it before,

but I could use
triple the powder.

Glenn, it's not like I hate
Christmas or anything.

- It's fine.
- "Fine"?

So "Winter Wonderland"
is okay, and...

You want to see what
Christmas is all about?

- Come here.
- Glenn...

Excuse me.

You seem to have been bitten
by the Christmas bug.

Sorry, we're making
up for lost time.

Oh, no, no, no. Kiss away.

It must be Christmas
moments like this

that get you through
your next tour.

Oh, there won't be a next tour.

- Oh?
- Tell him why, Hank.

I...

Okay, I was smoking something
I did not know was meth.

- Okay.
- Then somehow my gun

ended up going off and
shooting a service animal

- at close range.
- Oh, God.

He's got a tiny limp. He's fine.

- I bet he's loving it.
- W-wait.

It's still a Christmas miracle

that you're home for the
birth of your baby.

- The birth of a baby, anyway.
- Hank.

I've been gone a year, Samantha.

Hey, uh, thank you
for your service.

It's a delayed fetus!

- I Googled that! No results!
- We have to go.

There's cocoa in aisle nine.

Your brother wasn't
even in town.

Should I tell you what I want?

Yeah, that's a great
place to start.

- Uh, were you good this year?
- Yes.

And would you like Santa
to bring you a real gift

or a passive-aggressive one?

Well, that depends. Did you
put your water glasses

back in the sink, or
are there 100 of them

- on your night stand?
- Come on, guys.

That's so funny, 'cause
I seem to remember

Santa saying, "Make
yourself at home."

- But I guess...
- Elves don't talk.

Oh, right, of course,
because if we do, Santa...

bangs on the wall
for us to shut up.

Now say, "Candy canes!"

Candy cane!

I mean, it's just...
It's messed up.

- It is so messed up.
- You know what?

I'm just gonna say it.
Men are from Mars.

I just came up with that.

- Oh, yes!
- Boom, boom.

Do you know what I
feel like I should do?

I feel like it's a good idea
to, like, go down there.

- Go to her place.
- To Bridgett's house?

Yeah. That's exactly
what I was thinking.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
You should not go over there.

We should all go over there.

- Yes.
- To Bridgett's house?

Yeah, just always assume we're
talking about Bridgett's house.

- Yes, let's do it.
- Okay.

Oh, but how are we
gonna get there?

Because I try not to drive
if I've had more than six.

Oh, yeah, I should not be getting
behind the wheel of a car right now.

♪ The next level ♪

- Later, suckers!
- We're free!

Whoo!

♪ Boy, it's crunch time...

This is just like the
movie "Wild Hogs."

- What?
- "Wild Hogs"!

- Okay.
- And we're sure this is

faster than walking?

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Who wants to do
Adderall off my boobs?

I just crushed it up.

Kind of in the middle
of a game here.

Okay.

- Mmm!
- Okay.

This is it... the
vulture's nest.

Whoa. Look at all this stuff.

Three owls? News flash...

owls are notoriously solitary.

- Three-owl bitch.
- All right.

I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna
go knock on the door.

Great, and then what?

And then...

Adam opens the door,
and then I get to see

- the look on his face.
- Yas, queen!

- Yes!
- I bet it's gonna be all like,

"Whoa, you're a crazy stalker.
I'm scared."

Oh, my God. This is a mistake.

Uh, a mistake that we're
gonna laugh about one day.

But not today.

Oh, no, no, no. Today's
gonna be a mess.

We got to go. We got to go.

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Oh!

- Okay.
- Get out of here.

Oh, my God. My battery's dead.

- Mine too.
- Hey, jump on with me.

- I still got some juice.
- Okay.

- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
- What?

The max capacity for the
basket is a buck-fifty.

What, are you kidding me?
I don't weigh 150 pounds.

If you say so, but
I'm weighing you

- when we get back.
- Amy?

Is that you?

Adam?

Dubanowski? You guys...
you remember Adam.

- So random!
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry I called
Christmas "fine," okay?

Look, just trust me. When
you see a child's face

light up at the sight
of Old Saint Nick...

You're honestly claiming

your life hasn't been
improved by fajita Thursdays?

Oh, you mean "clean
up my greasy kitchen

'cause Jonah thinks he's
Bobby Flay" Thursdays?

What the is wrong with you?

What the is wrong with you?

Magical.

Mmm. Wow.

This coffee is... terrible.

Awful. Yeah, tastes like piss.

- I feel like I'm drinking piss.
- Oh, uh, sorry.

So I bet you guys are
wondering why we're here.

Yeah, kind of. Yeah.

Well, get ready to die.

Not because I'm gonna kill you,

just 'cause it... it's
a really fun story.

Um, I told my coworkers

that I stole a car
in 10th grade,

and they didn't believe me.

So I just need Adam
to verify that.

She did. 10th grade.

Well, there you go. It happ...
it happened.

So you drove a shopping
cart three miles

through the freezing cold to...

Maybe you should tell us
why you're here, Adam,

with little miss tight sweater
and her disgusting coffee,

which if I could
just get a top-up...

Uh, sure. Yes.

Um, okay. Well, this is awkward.

But me and Bridge have
been seeing each other.

Wow.

Bridge. Okay.

I didn't know if... if I
was supposed to tell you.

It's not like there's a-a
rulebook for this kind of...

Oh, what about the
rulebook of respect?

- That's... No, I...
- Oh, please.

Do you roast your own beans?

Okay, guys, it's fine.
Look, Adam's moving on.

I'm moving on, too.

I just started taking
skydiving lessons.

So we're both killing it.
We should go.

We have to wait for the
scooter to charge.

Okay, we should sit.

You wouldn't happen to have a
scale we could use, would you?

Forget it.

- You okay?
- Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Fine.

Okay, 'cause you
look a little bit

like a disgruntled Keebler Elf

about to shoot up
the tree house.

It's just... it's like he
wants to be mad at me,

so he just comes up with
these little excuses.

You know, like, he'll...
he'll take the trash out

when it's half full
just so he can be like,

"There's another thing
Jonah didn't do."

I only take my trash out

when it topples over
like a Jenga tower.

Right? Thank you. Maybe
we should be roommates.

Well, I'd have to run
your credit check.

Oh, yeah?

What's your
debt-to-income ratio?

I want to say... seven.
Is that...

- That is not good.
- Is that bad? No?

- No.
- Well, I ran into

a lot of trouble with my, uh,
Eddie Bauer Discover card.

- College.
- Yeah.

♪ Just like the ones
I used to know ♪

♪

- Well...
- Yep.

- That was mortifying for you.
- Mm-hmm, I was there, Dina.

Wow. I don't know what
the hell that was.

Okay, that was crazy.

- What are you doing?
- I told you.

I'm Craymie. Year of Craymie!

Quick, take something!
Hurry, come on!

Go, go!

♪

Go, go, go, go!

- Go, go!
- Don't fail me now!

- Go!
- There I go!

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

Yas, queen!

Bye.

♪

I took this from the lawn

of my ex-husband's girlfriend!

All: Whoo!

So you put water in his shampoo?

I was diluting it
to make more, okay?

Oh, God.

Wow, I am the worst
roommate ever.

I mean, I wouldn't
call you great.

- Yeah.
- But at least...

Nope, I got nothing.

Jeez. Maybe my Christmas present

to Garrett should be
a night off from me.

Well, I know this dive bar

that's open all night
Christmas Eve.

They have a pool table and one
of those video poker machines...

Oh.

That's just sexual
for no reason.

Oh, well, that sounds festive.

Yeah, I could...

I could stay at, like,
a creepy motel nearby.

Yeah, yeah, or, I don't know,

maybe we'll hit it off, and
you'll end up at my place.

♪ And since we've
no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it
snow, let it snow ♪

So you guys stole
her lawn ornaments?

- Mm-hmm.
- Girl, you are getting crazy.

I told you guys. I am a psycho.

Oh, yeah, you got to let
Craymie out more often.

But call her something else,

'cause that name sucks.

- What's wrong with Craymie?
- Hey, man, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna crash elsewhere
tonight, so...

Not in, like, a spiteful
way or anything.

Just, you know, uh,
merry Christmas.

Okay, thanks.

And I can... I can just, like,
send you my... my add...

the... the address of
where we're gonna be...

- I'll be fine.
- Yeah.

I'll just... I'll just drop a
pin and text it to you, then.

Okay.

Well, I think I
finally figured out

these Christmas lights.

See if you can still
call this "fine."

Wow. Christmas lights.

I've never experienced the
miracle of little lightbulbs

on a string before.

- Oh!
- Wow!

♪ I know how it's gonna end ♪

♪ And this is where we came in ♪

That's, uh... super lame.

Yeah. Super lame.

♪ Old familiar signs ♪

Where's Jonah?

He would love this.

You know, I, uh, went to college

on a pool scholarship.

- Is that right?
- I'm really good at pool.

♪

Hello?

Really?

Yeah, hold on.

You guys! Jerry's
out of his coma!

Is anyone sober enough to
take me to the hospital?

I'll be right there.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord is come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her king ♪