Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Brett Is Dead - full transcript

♪ You're so freakin' special ♪

♪ I wish I was special ♪

♪ But I'm a creep ♪

♪ I'm a weirdo ♪

♪ What the hell am I doing here? ♪

D-Did Brett like Radiohead?

No, it's just the
only song she knows.

- Her YouTube channel is so sad.
- ♪ I don't belong... ♪

♪ Here ♪

Thank you, Sandra. That was...
lovely.

We're gathered here today
to honor our dear friend



and co-worker Brett Kobashigawa.

He died doing what he loved most...
collecting carts.

We do not know he's dead!

- Glenn.
- They did not find a body.

They found a foot.

Maybe it's somebody else's foot.

All we know is that Brett
was in the parking lot

collecting carts when
the tornado hit.

And that no one has seen
or heard from him since.

- And the foot...
- Stop with the foot.

- We have addressed the foot.
- I agree with Glenn.

Brett wasn't killed
by that tornado.

Thank you, Dina.

What usually happens is
all the air is sucked



from your lungs and then
they fill up with blood,

so, technically, he probably
drowned on his own blood.

Why didn't we know about
Brett's death sooner?

Apparently someone was
clocking in for him.

Guys, this is one of the reasons

that clock-in buddies
is a bad idea.

Also, it could've been
blunt force trauma.

I mean, at those wind
speeds, even a coffee mug

could blow your chest
plate wide open.

At any rate, we hereby
dedicate this bench to Brett,

where he used to sit
on his flip phone

and argue with his
wife for hours.

Yeah, now might not
be the best time,

but if anybody still hasn't
chipped in for the plaque,

it's $6.83 each, so...

Just, you know, get it
to me when you can.

His body isn't even
cold yet, Jonah.

Because he's probably
still alive,

basking on some beach
in the Mediterranean.

Yeah, just waiting for
his foot stump to heal.

Could've been impaled
by a curtain rod.

I mean, for all we know,
he could be one of

several people on the same rod.

Hopefully, for his sake,
he was on one of the ends.

Okay, Sandra, how
about another song?

Oh. Okay, uh, it's not a song,

but I-I did learn a new chord.

Nope, no... that's not it.

Nope.

♪ ♪

So that was a...
Cloud 9 funeral.

Yep, there was way more fanfare

when Deborah got
hit by a forklift.

Sorry I missed that.

You know, Brett's
actually the first person

I ever knew who died.

Really?

What about, like,
your grandparents?

Nope. All still
alive and healthy.

My Pop-pop can run an
eight-minute mile.

That's a weird thing
to brag about.

I'm just saying.
It's pretty fast.

I go to, like, three
funerals a year.

It's a good excuse
to see family.

I don't even know anybody
who's ever been in, like,

a major accident.

Also a weird thing
to brag about.

Except for Garrett, maybe.

That was an accident, right?
He was... how, uh...

Huh. I don't know.

Me neither.

- I feel like I should know that.
- Why?

Because he's, you know,
one of my best friends.

And my roommate.

We're definitely close
enough for me to know.

We pee with the doors open.

I don't pee in front of anyone.

Well then, I guess you don't
have any best friends.

Oww!

Ohh! These things
are impossible.

Yeah, and who is gonna steal

a "Matrix 2" and "3" box set?

Okay, I can't, I can't...

- This is blood. I'm bleeding.
- Where?

Hey, you two. How's it going?

Ugh. Pretty sucky.

Because of Brett?

Huh?

I think it's very, very likely
that he is still alive.

But if you two are upset
about his disappearance,

then you can take a
break for a while.

Oh, no, that's okay, we don't...

Thank you, Glenn.

We, um, we could really use a
chance to sit and reflect.

You know, Brett was like
a father to me, so...

Yeah, and he was... he was
like a grandfather to me.

Uh, I'm young enough that he was
also like a grandfather to me.

I had no idea.

Well, you two take as
long as you need, okay?

You know, a book
of Matthew says,

"Blessed are those who mourn..."

Glenn, we're gonna
mourn in our own way.

Yeah.

Nice.

Hey, Dina, Justine's
complaining about an odor

in the women's room again.

She's describing it as a
liquid raccoon smell.

Hey, Dina. You okay?

What? Yeah, sorry, I just

haven't really been
sleeping lately.

You know, weather's
getting worse.

I'm starting to think
we should get everyone

into the new storm shelter.

Uh, I don't think
that's necessary.

It's just a rainstorm.

Tell that to Brett.
Oh, wait, you can't.

'Cause he's smeared
all over the Midwest.

♪ ♪

I get that it's weird
for a dude to say this,

but I'm gonna miss
Brett's laugh.

Me too, me too. Hey, man, uh,
let me ask you something.

How...

How, uh... How did,
how were you...

I'm sorry. What?

No, it's just... wh...
did... did...

Were you always... Did...
because I don't...

Oh, look! Look at that!
That's Amy. Hey, Amy.

Hey. Have you guys noticed
anything weird about Dina?

Well, Dina's her own thing.

We've had sex in three
different houses,

and I'm not totally sure
any of them were hers.

Okay. I mean, not normal
Dina-weirdness, like,

something's off.

I don't know. I mean,
maybe she's just...

Oh! See?

Attention... all customers and
employees to the storm shelter.

Now, people! Let's go!

Ugh! Move, grandpa!

Oh, she's picking that lady up.

Again, I'm so sorry
for the false alarm.

There's no tornado.
You're free to leave.

Now, better safe than
sorry, so no apologies.

Yes, but, well, we
are apologizing.

I am absolutely not apologizing.

- Well, some people should be.
- Well, some people

should shut their damn yaps.

Anyway, as a thank you,
please enjoy a coupon

for 50 cents off frozen
yogurt in the café.

We could only find ten.

So... get them
while they're hot.

Thank you.

Give one to her. Dina was
really rough with her.

♪ When we are apart,
I feel it too... ♪

♪ I feel the pain ♪

Hey, Myrtle, you've been
here a long time, right?

Since 1987.

Oh, yeah, so you
were here, then,

when Garrett first started...

The Cards were in
the World Series.

I was having an affair
with Ozzie Smith.

The Wizard, we used to call him.

Wow, no kidding. So...

Turns out it wasn't
really Ozzie.

He was a waiter at Beffa's,

which was a popular
establishment back then.

Beffa's? Never heard of it.

I once saw Al Wiman having a
roast beef sandwich there.

Well, he ordered it. I
don't recall if he ate it.

That's a really good story.

- Um, Myrtle, when...
- Back then,

people were tougher
than they are now.

You can't even call someone a

Even if they're being one.

Which reminds me of a story...

I once had a sister-in-law
who really was,

and she was adorable.

I finally get to catch up
on Kylie Jenner's Insta.

Man, she does sponsored
posts in a way that

make you really believe
that she loves the product.

I know. It's beautiful.

How's it going, you two?

Oh, uh... comes in waves.

One second I'm, like, "Huh?"
And the next I'm, like, "Huh."

Well, you know, I'm
still holding out hope

that Brett's alive.

Even with the foot?

I don't wanna re-litigate
the foot, but...

I did wanna write
a Brett tribute

for the newsletter...
you know, just in case.

And you guys knew him so well I
thought maybe you could help.

Of course. I mean, we
would love to honor him.

So what was his wife's name?

Um...

- Cinnamon.
- Margaret.

Cinnamon Margaret?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Uh-huh. That is... what we said.

Okay, uh, I also wanna
include a funny story.

Well...

We obviously have...
so many of those.

Obviously.

- From real life.
- Mm-hmm.

Great. Okay.

Cheyenne, what's your favorite?

Just a heads-up, we're
gonna need to do

a full restock of the jerky.

I'm taking this down
to the storm shelter.

Oh, do we need that much?

Tornadoes last,
like, 15 minutes.

Uh, what if the roof caves in?

Sorry, everybody. Looks like
we're gonna starve down here

because Amy thought we'd only
be trapped for 15 minutes.

Uh, Dina? That seems
a little dramatic.

"Okay, uh, Dina? That
seems a little dramatic."

Look, I don't have time
to roast you, okay?

I still need sun lamps,
mylar blankets...

Are you maybe going
through anything

you wanna talk about, or...

Okay, I need to have
games for morale.

Chess, Scrabble, Uno
for the dummies.

Okay, Dina? I'm
worried about you.

- As a friend.
- You wanna be a friend?

Go freeze a couple
hundred pounds of chard.

I'm not doing that.

Fine.

Guess we won't have chard.

♪ I bought a toothbrush,
toothpaste ♪

♪ A flannel for my face ♪

♪ Pajamas, a hairbrush ♪

♪ New shoes and a case... ♪

Okay. Thank you.

Hey, Sandra, how's it going?

I just found out Jerry's feeding
tube got infected and...

Ah, same here.

So let me ask you a question,

but don't tell Garrett.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Has he ever told you how he
ended up in a wheelchair?

Um... let me think.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Hey.

Hey! What's going on?

What you guys talking about?

Nothing.

Nothing?

So you guys are
just in the hallway

staring at each other
saying nothing?

Well, not nothing.
I mean, we were...

we were talking about...

Jonah's going to a barbecue,

and he asked if
it'd be interesting

to put burrata on a burger
instead of provolone.

And I said, "Who
uses provolone?"

And he was laughing, and
then I started laughing.

And then he asked, "Are
burgers cliché in general?"

And I said, "No, not
if you use venison."

But then you said,

"Venison does not pair
with burrata," so...

here we are.

Yeah. A-and then you...

- and then you came up.
- Mm-hmm.

- So...
- Well, I'm sorry I asked.

- Okay.
- I-I'll see you around.

Mm.

Wow, you are an incredible liar.

Thank you.

Swam up the Panama Canal.

Hey, how long was he a
cowboy trick rider for?

Well, he was in the circuit
for a number of years

with his horse named...

Cloud Tie.

- Cloud Tie.
- Yeah.

And, uh, then he
joined the Marines.

He was in the...
Blue Shirt Division.

- Okay.
- At the battle of, uh...

- Khaki Pants.
- Yep.

Like it sounds?

Mm-hmm.

K-H... K... A-K-I.

I just think that the tornado
and this Brett stuff

is really affecting you.

How many iodine tablets
to sterilize urine?

Is it two or three? I
really couldn't say.

Maybe err on the
side of caution.

Are you okay? 'Cause you
seem a little manic.

Is this your thing?
Do you like to

just follow people and
tell them everything

you think is wrong with them?
'Cause I could do that too.

- No, that's not...
- Hair. Chin. Shrimpy build.

Boobs. Well, left boob.

I'm willing to ignore that because
I know you're lashing out.

- Ankles.
- I have joint inflammation!

- You need to get help!
- I'm fine!

Man: Sorry.

Dina?

♪ ♪

I think there's something
wrong with Dina.

Heck, yeah, there is.

No, Glenn. It wasn't a diss.

Okay.

Good burn! That was fun.

Hey, let's do Elias now...

Glenn, I think the tornado
really affected her.

I don't know if this is a
workman's comp type of thing,

but she needs to
talk to someone.

Oh, Lisa's a good listener.

I was thinking like
a professional.

Ohh! Okay.

Now, we don't have a binder
on dealing with tornadoes,

but I did find one on
workplace shootings

that I think I can make work.

The tornado was like
two months ago.

We're over it.

Well, maybe you are.

But maybe there's someone else
who's having trouble coping.

- Who is it?
- It doesn't matter.

- Is it Sandra?
- Nope.

- Is it Dina?
- I'm not gonna say.

- Carol.
- No!

- Thanks, Ames.
- I'm sorry.

This is not what I had in mind.

"If you're reading
this, then your branch

has been the victim of a workplace...
tornado.

Workplace tornados are
a growing epidemic

that we need to face while
still respecting the right

of every American
to own tornados."

It's good.

♪ ♪

"Many tornado victims
describe worrying

that behind every hallway,

there's a lone tornado
waiting to tornado them."

This is waste of time.

Look, Dina. I just think

that you're holding in a
lot of pent-up emotion

and that it's good to
talk about these things.

I learned that in
couples therapy.

Oh, and that worked out
great for you, didn't it?

Dina, that didn't

work out for them,
though, actually.

- They're getting a divorce.
- I know.

You know, there's no shame

in admitting you're
having a tough time

dealing with something, okay?

In college, I
discovered that my dad

was having an affair
on Parents Weekend.

Try enjoying "Stomp" after that.

Ugh, that's your trauma?

I watched my brother drown
in the South China Sea.

Well, it's not a contest.

Well, if it was, you'd lose.

I went to the movie "Saw"

thinking it was about carpentry.

It is not!

I threw up in my lap.

And then Jerusha made us stay
because it was our date night

and the tickets were
non-refundable.

Okay, there's a lot
to unpack there,

but let's circle back to Dina.

I once got caught trying to run

a badger game in Kansas City.

Ha. I had to cut my way out.

♪ I can dream about you... ♪

Thank you, Cheyenne,
for taking us

through your visit
to Cancun, but...

I'm not clear... what
was traumatic about it?

Nothing. It was awesome.

Great. Okay, uh, well,
who hasn't shared yet?

- Uh, Garrett hasn't.
- Oh. Garrett?

Oh, no, I've lived
a blessed life.

I have something.

My first apartment was
in a pet cemetery...

You're saying nothing traumatic

has ever happened to you?

'Cause, you know, this...
this is a safe space.

Well, when I was a kid,

I was really into
horseback riding.

I was good at it too.

Until Chestnut bucked
me going over a hurdle

and I landed on my neck.

Doc said I was lucky
to walk away.

But I came in last place, so...

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, that sounds bad.

Are you kidding?
That's, like, nothing.

My worse trauma was when Sandra

tried to murder me
during a tornado.

I didn't try to murder you.

I just didn't try to save you.

I love your friendship.
Frick and Frack.

You know, this... right
here, right now...

- this is my greatest trauma.
- Glenn, let's wrap this up.

- Yeah. I'm out of here.
- No, Dina...

Look. Listen. I get it.

You want me to
suddenly get in touch

with some deep, dark
emotions, but guess what.

I don't have time to
whine about my issues,

and frankly, I am
sick of listening

to all you people
whine about yours.

Get off me!

Move, Brett!

♪♪

So, apparently when the
tornado was coming,

Brett was able to run
and make it to his car.

And then his car got
swallowed up by the tornado?

- No, he just drove home.
- Oh.

And then we emailed
the wrong Brett,

so we never knew he was
scheduled to work.

Well, I knew he wasn't dead.

Yeah. I guess you were right.

Though, just between you and me,

I thought he was dead for sure.

But now look at him. God bless.

Hanging out with
his best friends.

Oh. Never knew
they were friends.

You sure are bagging
those groceries.

Oh. I thought you had a
spider on your shoulder.

Oops. Oh. Got it. There it is.

There it is.

Is Glenn still watching?

Yep.

Okay.

Wait. Oh, my God.
Whose foot was that?

Hey, man. I'ma take off early.

I, uh... saw a motorcycle
in the parking lot

and it's the same motorcycle
that I was riding the night...

- it all went down.
- Okay, all right.

Okay, okay, I get it.
You're messing with me.

You can stop now.

Cool.

Hey, just an FYI.

I wasn't trying to be nosy.
I just...

I thought it would be cool to
know you better. That's all.

You know, you're my roommate, and
you're my best friend, and...

Okay. First of all, I
don't need a best friend.

I'm an adult.

And if I did have a best friend,

it would be my boy
Randy Mendoza.

We've known each other
since the second grade.

Always about Randy...

Look. What if I told you
I got shot in Iraq?

Or got drunk and hit
a bus full of nuns?

Is this also in Iraq?

Whatever it is, it's
gonna put me in a box.

And I don't want that.

Understood.

Hey. D... um... does Randy know?

Of course. He's my best friend.

That's messed up.

Wow.

Really got everything
in here, huh?

Beef jerky...

beans...

pornography?

People are gonna
need a release, Amy.

It could be hours down here.

Look, you know Brett
is alive, right?

No one died. It's all okay.

So, we can just head out.

I'm not leaving.

You cannot... stay... down here!

Are you being serious right now?

Oh, God.

Okay, you know what?

Fine. I get it. You
don't want my help.

I give up. I'm giving up.

Great.

Oh, it's just getting
sad at this point.

You're so tiny!

Look, you know what?

Just for that, you don't get
a space in the shelter.

Oh, I'm so sad that
I don't get a spot

in your little
masturbation jail.

All jails are
masturbation jails.

Look, things happen, okay?

You can't be prepared
for everything.

No, you can't prepare
for everything,

but I can and I always do.

- Dina...
- Forget it.

You don't wanna hear
about my problems.

No, I-I do.

Of course I do.

Really?

I couldn't sleep or eat,

so I just watched old VHS tapes
of the 1994 Winter Olympics.

I'm Team Tanya all
the way, you know?

- Mm.
- I'm pretty sure

Nancy Kerrigan hit
herself in the leg.

Nobody tells you at six that
a dog can't eat chocolate.

Oh, wow. We're going
back to the beginning.

Okay.

And for the rest of camp,

all the kids called
me "Bagel Boobs."

I just feel like this feeling
is gonna last forever.

I know. With Adam gone,

I'm on my own for
the first time,

and I'm just... I'm terrified.

Maybe don't make this
about you right now.

Yeah. No. Sorry. You go, you go.

- You go.
- Okay.

So I think we got up
to my tenth birthday?

Mm-hmm. We're at ten.

It's about to get really bad.