Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - Lottery - full transcript

The Missouri lottery is the
highest it's been in 20 years.

Oh, man, I'd love
to win the lottery.

Yeah, I'd stop washing
the sheets on my futon.

I'd just buy new ones every day.

I'd get a bunch of
vintage Jordans.

But like, Michael
Jordan's Jordans.

I want the actual
shoes off his feet.

If I won, you would not
see me here tomorrow.

That is for sure.
I would be taking

Thursdays off from now on.

- I'd buy a private island.
- That's my plan too!



I'd go to really
expensive stores,

hoping that white women
would be rude to me,

so I could come back with a
bunch of bags and be like,

a ha, big mistake.

Like "Pretty Woman."

I'd drop everything
and travel the world.

You know? No plans, no ties.

Just me and the open road.

So if you're ditching
Kelly, dibs.

- Oh, no, I didn't...
- Yeah, no.

Enjoy the open road.
Send me a postcard.

I could probably
make Thursdays work,

if they really needed me.

If I won, I would resurrect



and then own the dodo.

I'd donate my winnings
to my favorite charity.

They pair wounded veterans with
dogs who have been rescued

from dog-fighting rings.

Part of their therapy is
making art that they sell

to raise funds for the
children's hospital.

It's beautiful.

I, well, I mean, I would
also give to charity.

Yeah, I mean,
that's obviously...

Of course I'd give.

Not me. I'll stick
with my Jordans idea.

The island would be
more of a refuge

for like, animals or
orphans or something.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Ooh, someone's all dressed up.

Family court?

Oh, God, I hope it's not
family court, is it?

No, I'm asking
Glenn for a raise.

It's just, between the divorce

and putting money away
for Emma's college,

and my car just started making
this, like, maaaa sound.

So it's like, what
am I supposed to do?

Wait a minute, are you
actually nervous?

- This is Glenn, he loves you.
- I know, it's just, like,

makes me feel self-conscious
to ask for money.

See, this is the problem.
Women aren't socialized

to advocate for higher wages
despite the fact that...

Mm-hmm, I'm going to need you
to turn off podcast mode.

Thanks.

Fair enough.

- 3, 22.
- Oh, those are good.

I picked random ones
like 14 and 34.

Those are like, the random ones

that no one picks, so
that's kind of a good plan.

Okay.

Hey, if you won, do you think
we'd still be friends?

Chey, of course.

You'd be my friend
from my poor life

who keeps me grounded.

But, then again, I don't
know if I want to keep

a poor person around, just
bumming everyone out.

Ugh.

We could buy our
tickets together

- and whoever wins, we split it.
- Cool, let's do it.

Oh, my God, what if I pick

something super out
there, like 41 or 50?

Oh, my God, yes. You have to.

Hey, so, uh, before. That
wasn't anything, right?

Like, of course I wouldn't just
ditch you if I won the lottery.

Yeah, I know, I was just
giving you a hard time.

Okay, good, yeah, yeah,
I mean, you know.

I wasn't, like, saying
what I would do.

I was just talking, like,
wildest fantasies.

Oh, okay, so yeah, no,
all you're saying is,

I'm not in your
wildest fantasies.

No, no, no, no, I
just meant like,

a hypothetical world
where you're not there.

- So dead in your fantasy.
- No, no, no, no.

I just meant, no, it's
like an alternate timeline

where, like, you never
existed in the first place.

Okay, seriously, stop.

I can't take this much romance.

Oh, hey, uh, Glenn, um,
whenever you get a chance,

could we talk about something?

Oh, well I have a
chance right now.

- Shoot.
- Oh, um...

No, no, I meant like, later.
Like, in your office.

But, or now. No-no-no,
now's good.

- Now's great yeah.
- Now, okay.

Uh, so...

Uh, as you know...

Well, I mean, before I...
before I go there,

I should say that I, um,

Uh, I feel like, um,

I feel like I've... I've
proven myself to be

uh, reliable, and pretty sturdy,

Um, well, sturdy's not
really the word...

Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

How do these toilet stools work?

Do you just sit down and
put your feet on it,

or double over and grab
onto it for dear life?

Well, that's annoying.

- I know, right?
- Why are you agreeing with me?

You don't even know
what I'm talking about.

Sorry.

Check out this text from Colleen
at the Bel-Ridge store.

"Biggest jackpot ever.

Wonder who's gonna sell
the most tickets."

She's so competitive,

with her smug cancer
survivor smirk.

She sounds like a
real piece of work.

You don't even know her.

Why are some women so quick
to judge other women?

I don't know.

I need to find a way to
sell more tickets than her.

- Beat her at her own game.
- Uh-huh.

Don't say "uh-huh."

You don't even know
the rest of it.

I don't know why I do it.

Without going into
too many details,

the Squatty Potty basically
saved our marriage.

You don't have to push.
It just slides out.

I want a raise!

I'm sorry, that was bad timing.

I was looking for a pause
in the conversation.

Really. There wasn't one.

It was surprisingly
a very rich topic.

Okay, well, I will
give it a try.

I can always bring
it back, right?

Yeah, though you won't want to.

- So...
- Amy, you deserve a raise.

- Thank you.
- But ever since Laurie

was made district
manager, I'm not allowed

to give raises anymore. Or hugs.

Yeah, no, I, uh...

I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have brought that up.

Aw, Amy. Come here.

Nope, I can't do that.

Look, why don't
we hug ourselves,

- and then imagine it?
- No, I'm okay.

- No, no, come on.
- I'm... I'm...

- Here you go.
- Okay.

There you... there you go.

♪

I know we're not going
to win, but if we do,

should we get our money
up-front or in installments?

Hmm, I don't know.

Some of my cousins might try
to kill me for the money,

but with installments,
they'll need me alive.

Okay, but if we get
the money now,

we could buy something
really baller.

Like, maybe a robot
that plays music

and is also your
dentist and stuff.

Or a yacht, but the captain is
an ape wearing a sailor hat.

If we get a yacht, do
you think we can get

- Mariah Carey to perform on it?
- Oh, yeah.

I want her to sing
all of her songs,

and then tell her,
"Sorry, Mariah."

"It's not 1994 anymore.

Go cut up some cucumber
for our water."

Yes!

Not only did you
not get the raise,

you ended up apologizing to him?

I hadn't planned on
asking for a raise

while holding a
toilet accessory.

I'm sorry, how is this okay?

Isn't there a problem
with people eating these?

Yeah, that's not good. So
wait, hold on, that's it?

You're just going to
take no for an answer?

- Well, what more can I do?
- Take it to Laurie.

Okay, yeah, I'll just
mention it to her

the next time she's here.

Ooh, vanilla flavored.

Now I kind of want to try one.

You can't keep waiting around

for the perfect time
to ask for a raise

or it's never going to happen.

You should do it now while you
still got your business suit on.

It would be a phone call.

Yeah, but,

she'll hear that
business-suit energy.

My mouth is watering. I
can't be around these.

For the next number, uh, 30? 31?

There's really no wrong answer.

You just need to
pick another number.

30. No, no, no, no, 31.

- Great, 31 it is.
- No, no, no, mm-mm.

You sounded like you
weren't too into that.

Was 31 a mistake?

- What would you do?
- Well, it's tough.

Because if you pick 30,
you're not gonna win.

- Mm-hmm.
- But if you pick 31,

you're also not gonna win.

So it really depends on
how you want to not win.

- You're a dick.
- Mm-hmm.

Wait, no, it was
31 the whole time.

Dina, I thought
about what you said

about women not
supporting other women...

Jesus, just get on with it.

I don't have time
for the preamble.

Garrett's being rude
to the customers.

A few of them left before
buying lottery tickets.

- What?
- I thought you might want to know

since you're trying to sell
more tickets than Colleen.

Thank you for letting me know.

This is helpful.

Also, Elias has been stealing
discontinued light bulbs.

I hate tattletales!

Laurie Neustadt's office.
This is Skye.

- Uh, yes, hi, um, is she in?
- Who is calling?

Amy Dubanowski.

She's not available right now.
Can I take a message?

Um, yeah, could you just
let her know that...

No, no, sorry, is she there?

No, she's not available.

Because you asked
who was calling,

and only then did you
say she was unavailable

which implies, to me,
that she is available;

she just doesn't want
to take our call.

Um, she's just not available.

Listen, Skye. I think
you're lying to me.

So why don't you do your job
and get her on the phone?

I'm sorry.

I don't really know
what I'm doing.

But Miss Neustadt is...

she's a friend of my
dad's friend and...

You know what, I'm sorry.

This really isn't my phone call.

Take it away, Amy.

Uh, hey, uh, Syke?

- It's Amy again.
- Hi.

Um, you're doing great.

- Thank you.
- You're doing really great.

Listen, could you just
tell her that I called?

Okay, and what is
this regarding?

Um, it's regarding me
asking for a raise.

Oh, um, well, if it's
just about a raise,

Laurie has a protocol for that.

Money.

No matter how much you make,
it never seems like enough.

But with a little planning,
you'll see that a budget

is like a raise you
give yourself.

♪ Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night ♪

♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night,
and the feeling's right ♪

Let's look at a typical budget
for a Cloud 9 employee.

We'll call her Penny Wise.

Oh, because she's a killer
clown that lives in the sewer?

What? No.

What, wait, I don't think so.

I don't see any
expense for food.

I mean, personally, I...
I like food.

Anybody else a food person?

Wow, almost all of you.

Well, there's $100
under "other."

That's probably for food.

So we're supposed to live
on under $4 a day for food?

Just don't go eating lobster.

Or just get one lobster
and just eat it

a little bit at a time over
the course of several weeks.

That's what I do.

There's no line for

child care, or going
to the doctor.

Probably because they're
just planning on us

not getting sick, right?

I eat two-week-old
unrefrigerated lobster.

I'm going to get sick.

So, I just managed to get
us a reservation tonight

at the Italian place with the
Irish name that you love.

O'Brien's Osteria?

Oh, they have the
best spaghetti.

It wasn't easy, by the way.
They don't have a host

that takes reservations,
so I had to track down

the owner at a spin class.

I feel like you're just
trying to make up for

totally ditching me in your
lottery fantasy world.

Could be, but I won't
be ditching you

as we go home to watch the
Hallmark romantic comedy

of your choosing,

and I won't poke holes
in any of the stories.

Not even if the guy
is revealed to be

- the girl's childhood pen pal?
- Nope.

That's, that's just a...

wonderful coincidence.

What else can we do to
have luxury on a budget?

Sometimes, I pee in the shower.

It helps save toilet water.

It's not why I do it,
but it's a plus.

I do it to wash my feet.
Urine is sterile.

I save my bathwater to water

the plants in my garden,
and vice versa.

We could cut down on
things like lotto tickets.

Or buy more lotto tickets, depending
on whether we win or not.

My friend, Corona, just
keeps her webcams on

all day in her bedroom
and her bathroom.

She makes thousands of dollars.

You could be on the
lookout for loose coins.

Vending machines,
couch cushions,

the ground near parking
meters, fountains.

ABG. Always Be Gathering.

Or, what if this company
just gave us a little bit

more money so we wouldn't
have to scrounge

for money like street urchins?

This one guy paid Corona $10,000

to fart on a cake.

She went to Cabo.

Oh, well, uh...

Okay, moving on. Section
three, Social Services.

Uncle Sam has your food.
Now go get it!

While you were at the
meeting I was checking out

Laurie's Instagram to see
how unavailable she is.

What?

"Nice day for a drive,
a golfing drive,

'cause this minx is
hitting the links."

Jesus.

The course is not
that far from here.

You could just happen
to run into her

and then bring up the raise.

I think stalking her
on social media

and then hunting her down
while she's playing golf

might come off as
a little pushy.

It would come off
as a lot pushy.

But pushy people are the ones
that get what they want.

You got to have chutzpah.

- "Chutzpah"?
- Chutzpah.

Okay, fine. But you're
coming with me.

- Deal.
- God, you're annoying.

- Annoying or pushy?
- Annoying.

Went with 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

You picked the
numbers from "Lost."

Yeah, are you a fan?

No. Take your
business elsewhere.

Hey, you're scaring
off customers.

I'm scaring off
gambling addicts.

Oh, and you don't care
about the $5,000 bonus

that goes to whoever sells
the winning ticket?

Oh, boy, you think
I'm that gullible?

Hey, Sandra, how much
does the employee

who sells a winning
lotto ticket get?

$5,000.

Look, even if that was true,
which I don't believe it is,

you think I'm just going
to start hauling ass

in the 1-in-7-million chance

that I'm going to sell
the winning ticket?

I didn't ask you to do anything.

Damn it. All right,
come on, people.

Let's get this line moving.

You can't win if you don't play.

Let's see what you got here.

We should have a saltwater
pool on the yacht.

Not to swim in, just to be like,

"Hey, ocean, we don't need you.
We've got our own."

And we should hire someone
to bury treasure for us,

- and then we get to find it.
- Is this all on the yacht?

Everything is happening
on the yacht.

We are done with land.

You guys know you wouldn't get all
30 million if you won, right?

What are you talking about?

Well, if you want it all
at once, you'd get 18.

Oh, well, I mean, you know,
that's still pretty...

And then, after taxes, 11.
So that's 5 1/2 each.

5 1/2 million?

I guess that's something, right?

- I mean, it's more than we have.
- I guess.

Oh, is that her over
there, by the tree?

No, that doesn't look
anything like her, either.

Do you just think all white
women look the same?

No.

I think all these white
women look the same.

Just keep your eyes peeled.
Tell me if you see her.

Well, I mean, that's
going to be tough.

At these speeds,
everything is just a blur.

Shut up. I'm not used
to these things.

Not everyone grew up
going to country clubs.

I feel like you just
think of me as this

like, spoiled rich kid who
spent all of his time

playing tennis and golf.

All right, well, what did
you grow up playing?

- Mostly tennis and some golf.
- Uh...

And I was a pretty decent skier.

Ugh.

Oh, wait, is that
her over there?

No, again, that's just...

Oh, wait, yeah, no, that is her.

Yeah, yeah, it is her.
Okay, here we go.

I'm going to take a nap. Wake
me up when we get there.

Attention shoppers, come
buy your lottery ticket

at customer service right now.

There are some people who say
the lottery is basically a tax

on lower income, less
educated people.

But you know who
doesn't say that?

People who win the lottery.

There you go, got to be
in it to win it, girl.

Myrtle, what are you doing here?

- Playing the numbers.
- How you been?

Oh, I've been doing just fine.

I got a job collecting cans
and bottles from the trash.

- Oh.
- It's not bad.

There's some competition, but

I just have to get
there at 3:00 a.m.

Yeah, wow.

Hey, you know what? Um...

why don't you give me these
and I'll give you the cash?

Okay? Uh...

$30 sounds about right
for all of this.

That's even more than I thought.

- I hope you win.
- Me too.

The nights at the motel
are starting to add up.

Yeah.

So we're just going to say

that we happened to
be here golfing,

and that we ran into her,
and then I'll just segue

- into talking about the raise.
- Got it.

Do you want to go over
some possible segues?

Uh, no, I think
I'll just find it.

Okay, all right, but you know, just...
just in case,

uh, speaking of golf greens,

I could use a little
green myself.

So dumb.

You know what
really tees me off?

Low pay.

Um, speaking of a hole-in-one...

Oh, yeah, you're
going to kill it.

- Uh oh, she's moving.
- Laurie!

Hey, Laurie! Laurie!

Watch out for the
hill right here.

Hey! Hi, Laurie!

I thought that was you.

Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy. Watch out!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

It doesn't seem like
anything is broken,

But just to be safe, I'm going
to need you not to move.

Laurie, I am so sorry.

I was trying to pull
up next to you,

but those things really
just don't turn well.

And I'm not saying
this is what happened,

but it is very possible that
someone cut my break lines.

Okay. Can I get up please?

I'm sorry for the wait.

They don't let us drive
the truck on the grass.

Well, while we're waiting, and...
and speaking of

not being able to move, I too
have had trouble moving.

Lately. Past the poverty line.

No, no way, no,
what are you doing?

Chutzpah.

So I would love... no,
actually, I think I deserve

an extra buck 50 an hour.

I'm sorry, are you actually

asking me for a raise right now?

- Of course not right now...
- Yes, yes.

That is what I'm doing.

Unless for some reason

I'm not allowed to, like,
medically speaking.

No, no, no, not medically.

But if you're asking
me if it's a good idea

right now to ask for a raise...

No, I wasn't asking
your opinion.

- I just needed the info.
- Okay.

With the highest lottery
jackpot in 20 years,

tonight's winning numbers are:

- 4...
- Nope.

- 8...
- Nope.

- 15...
- Nope.

- Dina, we sold 12,742 tickets.
- Yes!

Suck it, Colleen, you pink
ribbon wearing bitch.

If her jaw wasn't wired shut,
I'd make her eat trash!

So this was about
Colleen from Bel-Ridge.

- Oh, yeah.
- Pretty sure I know the answer

to this question, but, uh,
there's no bonus, is there?

Just the bonus of telling
Colleen she can suck it...

No, Sandra. You're
not a part of this.

And now, for our mega
jackpot winning number...

42.

It was the numbers from "Lost."

Guess it's back to
washing my futon sheets

like a frickin' nerd.

I like working Thursdays.

You can talk about how
Friday's coming up,

and how Wednesday
was, and, yeah.

Enjoy your 5 1/2 million, loser.

- I get seasick anyway.
- Yeah, yeah.

I like living with my cousins.
It's... it's cool.

In what world did
you actually think

she was going to
give you a raise?

I don't know.

I thought she'd be like,
"You got moxie, kid."

Why, because she's a 1930s
Hollywood producer?

Yes, like, "I'm going to put
you in the pictures, see?"

All right, Sosa up.

This is a stupid game
for stupid people.

If you want to move up
the corporate ladder,

you're going to need to
learn how to play golf.

- Okay, golf camp.
- All right, just hear me out.

Okay? So...

So when you pull the club
back, you want to make

- a triangle with your arms.
- Okay.

Just think of yourself as,
like, you're a pendulum.

Okay? You're a clock.

Yeah, but not so loose, and
let's please be careful.

Okay, so next...

Do you, can I...

- Put my arms around...
- Just do it, Jonah.

It's only weird if
you talk about it.

Okay, all right.

Okay, so, uh...

- Hands overlap.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, um, back straight.

Bend your knees. Okay,
all right, good.

Now, when you pull back,
good, good, good, good.

- Hey, me again.
- Where are you?

If you won the lottery and
are traveling the world,

at least give me a
call first, okay?

So I can cancel our table.

Okay. Bye.

♪

Good, good, okay, now
don't swing yet.

All right, when
you come forward,

we're going to move with the
power of our whole bodies.

- Okay.
- Okay, not just our arms.

And...

♪

Ah, yes!

- I am so good!
- That was incredible.

Who knew I would be
so good at golf?

- I certainly didn't.
- Whoo!

- Yeah.
- Fore!

No, no, no, no, not
fore, nobody says...

"Fore" is like a warning,
like you're going to,

your ball is going to hit
somebody in the head.

No, I'm pretty sure you say that

whenever you feel
like saying that.

- That is incorrect.
- Fore!

- It's fun, try it.
- Fore!

- See?
- Yeah, that was really good.