Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - District Manager - full transcript

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning.

Okay, let's focus up.

Quiet!

Morning, everyone.

Okay, uh, before the new
district manager gets here,

I just wanted to warn you her
name is Laurie Neustadt.

And she's a woman,

so let's not act
like that's weird.

Um, is it weird?

No. I mean...



just don't act like
anything's weird.

Ever. In general.

- Nice recovery.
- Man, I hope she's a WILF.

It's a woman I'd like to.

That's what that means.

I'm excited to have
a woman in charge.

The world's moving too fast.

Enough already.

I'm just worried that I'm
gonna say something weird.

I wish I knew something
more about her.

I'm Googling her, and
apparently she's from Denver.

Denver, terrific. Let's
go with the Denver thing.

Or we could just treat her
like she's a human being.

Yeah, but we've got
the Denver thing



in case that doesn't work out.

Right, and why
wouldn't that work?

Okay, she's here.
Places, everyone!

Whoa, whoa, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

What?

Now I'm ready.

- Hey, everyone.
- Milady.

Okay. Um, hi.

I am Laurie Neustadt.

I'm taking over for Jeff.

I'm gonna be here all
day walking around,

getting to know the store,
trying to figure out ways

we can make things a
little more efficient.

So, um, busy day. Let's,
uh, get back out there.

Let's get back out there.

Bet they say that a lot on
the slopes of Denver, huh?

I guess. I...

Actually, I think this is a
different Laurie Neustadt.

Laurie seems like kind
of a bitch, right?

She's like this strict
schoolteacher in a porn

but nothing good
ends up happening.

She just, like, teaches.

Yeah, and her shoes
made a lot of noise.

I mean, what?

Are you guys seriously weirded
out by a female boss?

It's 2018.

You're right.

To be honest, I really
liked her shoes.

You know, a lot of people think
women make better bosses than men.

It's like they say, uh...
Ginger Rogers did everything

Fred Astaire did but
backwards and in high heels.

That's total crap.

When did Ginger dance backwards?

Oh, uh, it's just an expression.

They danced in circles
or side by side.

You're only defending her
because she's a woman.

That's sexism.

If she was a man,
there's no way we'd be

standing around talking
about her appearance.

Exactly.

Name one picture where
Ginger Rogers was better

than Rita Hayworth.

I don't know any.

Ginger Rogers was nothing.

Come on, man.

"Big Time." "Top Hat."

"Swinging Down to Rio."

You froze up, dude.

♪ Down to the Love Shack ♪

♪ I got me a Chrysler,
it seats about 20 ♪

♪ So hurry up and bring your ♪

Ugh, Laurie's gonna be
looking at our stats,

and my checkout
scores are terrible.

That scanner never works for me.

It's probably because
I swallowed a magnet

when I was four.

It just never came out.

Who cares if you're
bad at one thing?

I'm bad at driving, but I'm good

at texting and driving.

My UPM score is a five.

A five? Even I got a 30.

Well, you have better
hand-eye coordination.

I can't be wasting my time
playing "Star Trek" video games

- all day.
- Uh, it's "Star Wars."

Same diff. They're just ugly
people floating in space.

Yeah, they're not
floating in space.

They're on planets
most of the time.

That's just an ignorant comment.

Oh, excuse me,

you're the floor manager, right?

Uh, yeah, hi. Amy.

Hi. Um, there is an employee,

Sal Kazlauskas, who
has a lot of open

sexual harassment
complaints against him.

Yeah, it's fine. He
died in the wall.

- That's this store?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, good to know. Thank you.

Yeah, anytime.

Hey, um, can I just say, it's...
it's really cool to have

a woman district manager.

I mean, it's about time, right?

Thank you. Well, I
had to have sex

with a lot of board members
to get here, so...

I'm kidding.

No, I didn't...

I mean, I wouldn't...

Anyway, uh, if I can, you know, give
you a hand with anything, let me know.

Oh, actually, you know what?

I would love some help with some
of these personnel details.

Oh, uh, yeah. Okay, sure.

Arby's has the meats, but
Amy's got the deets.

- I'm sorry. That was weird.
- That was weird.

Hey, I just wanted to make
sure we're on the same page

about keeping this whole
situation from Laurie.

Oh, 'cause you're not married.

What? No.

I just mean a lot of
bosses don't like preggos.

What? No, everyone
loves preggos.

It's like the saying.

Everyone likes preggos,
LEGOs, and Eggos.

Not me. If I hear
someone's pregnant,

all I think about
is bathroom breaks

and doctors' appointments
and hormones.

It's like, we don't
need another Elias.

Okay, but Laurie's gonna
find out eventually.

Well, we'll deal with
that if it comes to it,

but for all we know,
I may lose the baby

and this is never even an issue.

Wait, what?

I'm just saying, things happen.

I live in a very
dangerous neighborhood.

People are always
pushing other people.

Anyway...

Later, boss.

Move! You've gotta move.

We try and keep Carol and Sandra
on opposite sides of the store.

It's sort of like a... like
a Crips and Bloods thing.

And Justine Sikowicz?

Justine is a hard worker.

Um, she cries a lot
in the bathroom.

But not, like, in a way where
you feel like you have

- to go in.
- Got it, okay.

Uh, Myrtle Vartanian?

Oh, Myrtle, yeah. She's sweet.

She doesn't do very much.
Doesn't do it very well, but...

She actually makes more money
than anyone else at her level.

Yeah, well, I guess when
you've been here that long,

even 40-cent pay
bumps add up, huh?

Good to know.

All right, well, at least
we know we can cut Myrtle.

Okay, why don't you
tell me about Cody?

Oh, wait, uh, sorry. Um,
when you say cut Myrtle,

you don't mean like...

Oh, my God, no. I'm
not, like, a monster.

Oh, okay. Phew.

I'm not, like, gonna
literally cut her.

- No, I just mean fire her.
- Oh, um...

Okay, tell me about
Marcus White.

What's his IQ? Because
if it's low enough,

we get a tax break.

So out of the blue, she just
decided to fire Myrtle?

Exactly.

Yeah, that's exactly
what happened.

There has to be a reason.

Well, I don't know.
I just met her.

I don't know what's
inside of her mind.

I think you do know.

Okay, fine.

I might have mentioned
that Myrtle is not

very good at her job.

What? Why would you say that?

Because she asked
me about Myrtle.

So you led with, "Myrtle's
not good at her job"?

No, I led with,
"She's very sweet",

and she's not very
good at her job."

I don't know. We were bonding.

Are we gonna stand around
and just point fingers,

or are you gonna
help me fix this?

I was thinking we
could point fingers

for a few more minutes.

Myrtle's a fixture.

I mean, would you want me
to fire the light bulbs

or to... would you want me to throw
our plumbing out into the cold?

I would, if the pipes cost
us more than any other pipe

for doing inferior work.

Look, I'm sure she will
find another job, Glenn.

Who's gonna hire her?

She's useless.

Can I at least wait until
the end of the day?

I would like to show her
one last perfect day

before she wanders off
into the great unknown.

Okay, I'm asking you to
fire her, not kill her.

How do you live with yourself?

Is sighing really gonna
help me go faster?

You're just wasting air.

There, how do you like it?

I just can't make it work.

Okay, I-I don't know how you
check out people so quickly.

Why don't you just go into Glenn's
computer and change your stats?

You can do that?

You kidding me? I
do it all the time.

Why do you think I
never work Fridays

but get paid for Fridays?

You think I should?

Well, isn't that kind
of like cheating?

Not really.

'Cause if you think about it...

It's cheating. It's
100% cheating.

I think Garrett
makes a good point.

I'm gonna do it.

Well, I guess while
you're in there,

you can change your
employee photo too.

Enough about the photo!

I had a lot of
sodium that morning.

I just get nervous if I go too
tight, it'll hurt the baby.

Women have been wearing
corsets for centuries.

If a little squeezing hurt,

I think we would have
heard something about it.

There used to be really
high infant mortality.

Fine, I'll go get
Justine to help.

No, no!

I'll do it. I can do it.

Okay.

Oh, it's pretty tight.
I don't know.

Sandra, I swear to God.

Why don't you just tell
Laurie you're fat?

Because fat people
are fat everywhere.

This is clearly a baby bump.

We could pad you all over,

like how they do
Hollywood actors.

Eddie Murphy, Martin
Lawrence, Tyler Perry.

I am not intentionally
just naming black actors.

Sandra, if I didn't need
your Hulu password,

I would kill you right now.

Myrtle, what would be your
idea of a perfect day?

I guess I'd like to
spend one more day

with my late husband, Charlie.

Oh, okay, but what about a
perfect day in the store?

If Charlie came in the store.

Okay, I'm not God.

Hey, Myrtle, you borrowed some
scissors, and I need them back.

You leave her alone!

This is Myrtle's day!

You take all the scissors
you want, honey.

Hey, Laurie, um, can
we talk to you?

Sure, who's this?

Hi, um, I'm Jonah. Simms.

Mm, he does look like
a male Tinkerbell.

Uh, you can't fire Myrtle.

She is an invaluable
asset to this store.

Okay, Amy, I really don't
want to fire anyone, right?

Certainly not a sweet old lady,

but corporate is on
me to cut the budget.

What if we found the
savings elsewhere?

Could she keep her job then?

She makes $20 bucks an hour.

Myrtle?

Dude, yeah, no,
that makes sense.

It's nice to see a woman not just
making 79 cents on the dollar.

We can find those savings.

I just cut my own home
budget down simply by going

to the library when I
need the Internet,

so if we do it, can
she keep her job?

Sure, yeah.

Give it a try.

- All right.
- Thank you.

Tinkerbell.

I don't know where
she heard that.

I... It's tough.

Come on, you went
to business school.

Can't you just track down
some wasteful spending?

It's not like there's a line
item for wasteful spending.

Well, let's think
outside the box or

cut the pork.

Like, that's a thing, right?

Those are words, yes.

Come on, Jonah. You can do this!

I know you can do this.
Come on, baby!

Find the money!

Show Mama the money.

O-okay, all right, okay, I
appreciate the energy, Mama.

But can you let me focus?

Yeah, okay, whatever you need.

Well, okay, we leave
the A/C on in March.

It's just competing
with the heat.

If we turn both of them off,

that would save us $200.

Yes, okay!

Mama smells the bacon
'cause Papa found the pork!

- 200 bucks!
- I don't like any of this.

Neither do I, but
Mama can't stop.

Okay.

Why are you shutting the blinds?

So no one can see us.

Oh, you're afraid
we might get caught

changing your register scores?

Fine. Can we just change the
scores so we can get out of here?

All right, I'm just looking
for the right window.

Glenn's taxes,

Google search for how many
tomatoes in the world,

his church's MySpace page.

Ah, here we are.
Employee records.

- Okay.
- Your UPM score is now 120.

120? Isn't that kinda high?

I don't know, man. I
mean, we're here.

You might as well change it
to something impressive.

You're right.

This is my Tonya Harding moment,

and I've gotta claw
my way to the top.

Okay.

121.

It's a little less obvious.

Excuse me, young lady.

Do you have any sugar?

My coffee is black with
an 80% chance of cream.

There you go.

Oh, my goodness. Myrtle, look.

Isn't that Channel 4 weatherman
Skipper Sailes in our very store?

I don't know. I watch Channel 5

with Craig Moeller.

Oh. O-okay.

I could have sworn
you said Channel 4.

Hey, it's cool.

Craig's great.

Really good at what he does.

Craig's the best.

So, uh, Glenn,

maybe you can just reimburse
me for the coffee now.

Yeah, later.

Yeah, it's just otherwise,
I need to submit it

- to the station as a...
- I said later, Skipper Sailes!

Hey, you're Dina, right?

- Uh...
- The assistant manager?

Huh? What?

Ah...

I have a quick question
about the shrink reports.

Sure, shoot.

Do you wanna put the box down?

No, it's light.

Okay. Uh, well, it
says that shrink

accounted for, like, 1.4%
of total sales last month.

But at the same time,
the regional average

- actually dropped.
- Mm...

Mm-hmm.

Now, starting in the month of...

Hang on. August...

Just ask the question!

So sorry. I, uh... hoo!

Just have to, uh,
use the restroom.

So maybe we can
discuss that later.

Okay, great. You know what? I have
to go too, so I'll tag along.

Great.

That's great. Just, uh,
follow me this way.

You're bringing the kettlebells

- to the bathroom?
- Yes, I am.

They help me.

Okay, if we got rid
of break room coffee,

we would save another
$300 a year.

Great, let's take it. That
would put us over $8,000.

Hey, you guys taking the coffee?

If we don't find enough
budget cuts to cover

her salary, Laurie is
gonna fire Myrtle.

- Oh.
- What?

Are you kidding?

Wait, why would she fire Myrtle?

Nobody knows. It's just random.

It's because she's a bitch.

Laurie, not Myrtle.

Please, Jeff did all
kinds of crappy things,

and no one ever
called him a bitch.

When Jeff changed the vendors
for the vending machine,

you called him a.

Yeah, well, that's because
the vending machine

didn't have any Takis.

Sorry, if Laurie
is being a bitch,

wouldn't the truly
sexist thing be for me

to not call her a bitch?

No, that's not the point.

Actually, I think I kind
of agree with Marcus.

- What?
- Yes!

Red pill brothers.

No, I just mean if we
had true equality,

you could call out women for
doing something terrible

when they're doing
something terrible.

Like being a bitch.

See, there's that word again.

- Maybe let's not use that.
- Don't?

Yeah, only women can
use the word "bitch,"

'cause we took that word
back, right, ladies?

No, bitch, the gays
took that from you.

Okay, I think we're off track.

To be honest, I'm not sure
what on track would look like.

Hey, if Hitler was a woman,
would you be defending Hitler?

No, obviously not.

What if Oprah hosted
the Holocaust?

I'm not sure one
hosts a holocaust.

Don't mansplain her.

Okay, I'm not in favor
of any holocaust,

but if there was a
holocaust, then yeah,

Oprah's who I would
want to host it.

And I actually agree with that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Me too.

- Yeah.
- That's a really good...

I think we solved sexism, guys.

Myrtle, you've been
with us a long time.

And all good things
must come to an end.

Myrtle, I am trying
to talk to you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I...

I just like looking
at the trucks.

I always wanted to
drive one of those.

All right, Myrtle.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

Yep.

Breaker 1-9.

This is Myrtle the
Turtle saying,

keep it groovy.

Get off this channel.

Mateo, I've just been going
over everyone's UPM numbers.

Your score's very impressive.

Oh, really?

Um, I thought it
was just average.

Maybe slightly above.

But, uh, wow. Thank you.

I mean, I've never
seen 121 UPM before.

121!

That's so stupid.

Good.

Stupid good.

I didn't even know
that the lasers

could read the bar
codes that quickly.

Wow.

Hey, you know what
would be a good idea?

If Mateo did a demonstration
of his technique

for the rest of us.

- What?
- I love that idea.

Okay, excellent. Yes.

Let's meet, register
one, five minutes, okay?

- Five minutes, we'll be there.
- See you there.

O-okay.

What was that?

That's what happens when
you say that "Star Wars"

and "Star Trek" are
the same thing.

What... so this whole thing is
just a setup because I insulted

- your stupid space opera?
- Shh!

Save your energy.

Oh, God.

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪

- You're a good man.
- Look how good she's doing.

♪ The happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out
together dancing ♪

Oh, that's my car.

That's what I get for
parking outside the lines.

Is this everyone?

Should we wait for more people?

Mm, nope. We're ready.

Great.

Just...

Ooh.

You don't wanna start
with cold muscles.

Hey, you look pretty warm to me.

It's showtime, Mateo.

Okay.

Great.

So, um...

first thing is, um,

check the equipment.

So...

Oh. Ah, looks like it's broken.

You just turned it off.

Here.

Thank you, Cheyenne.

So now we begin.

- Bees!
- What?

Oh, I got stung!

Bees!

Killer bees! Killer bees!

Get out of the store!
There's killer bees!

Get out!

Get out!

Killer bees!

♪ Or another, I'm
gonna lose you ♪

♪ I'm gonna trick
you, trick you ♪

♪ Trick you, trick you ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

♪ I'm gonna lose you ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you the ♪

This red area here

represents all the money the
store spends on utilities.

Amy, that is a big slice of pie.

A very big slice, Jonah.

I mean, I couldn't finish that.

But when the store shifts over
to LED and motion sensors,

then something happens
to that slice of pie.

- Next slide.
- Mm.

That slice gets a lot smaller.

Yeah, you know, if someone
offered me a slice that size

- at a birthday party...
- Okay, I have to leave

in two minutes, so
if we could just

hurry this up, please?

- Oh.
- Yeah, of course.

- Go to the end.
- Okay.

- Keep going.
- Let's see, uh... da-da-da.

I'm sorry, was that the
donkey from "Shrek"?

Yeah, that was for a budget pun,

but it doesn't matter anymore.

Oh, okay, here we go.

Uh, once you've added up all
the cost-saving provisions,

- the total savings comes to...
- $18,326.

- Now, that's so many savings.
- Now, that is a lot of savings.

Wow.

That, I have to admit,
is very impressive.

- Thank you.
- That's nice of you to say.

Great, so, um... so
Myrtle gets to keep

- her job, then?
- Yay!

Oh, I just... I'm sorry. I
can't justify keeping her.

- Wait.
- Um, but you said that if we

found the savings, you
wouldn't fire her.

I know that I said that,
but, yeah, I just...

honestly, I didn't think
that you'd be able to do it.

All right.

Very impressive, though,
and very good work.

I got my eye on you guys.

You have a very bright future.

Oh.

What's the joke
about the donkey?

Oh, uh, "Only an ass would
keep writing blank Shreks"

for doughnut Thursdays."

Funny.

Told you it wasn't funny.

♪ Babe, stepping out ♪

♪ Into the night ♪

So you've never even
been to Denver?

No, why do people
keep asking me that?

Laurie.

Ah, quitting time, huh?

- Oh, yeah.
- Man, I cannot wait to get home.

I am gonna get drunk.

Smoke some cigarettes,
jump on my trampoline.

- Whoo!
- Okay, it's a big night.

I'm sorry, you just...

you look different.

Whoa.

You know, in the future, I'd appreciate
if you didn't comment on my body.

You're a woman.

You should know better.

So what do you think
of Laurie now?

B-word?

C-word?

A-word?

I think she's a.

Okay, so same as Jeff.

Yeah, gender neutral.

- We've come a long way.
- Yay!

- What is happening?
- Whoo!

That was the best day ever!

Oh, I'm so glad!

Myrtle, you're fired.
I feel terrible.

Whoo, best day ever! Come on!

Best day!

Best day.