Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Angels and Mermaids - full transcript

I don't understand why
Glenn needs the shots

if you're the one
carrying the baby.

If I have to pump
myself full of hormones

in order to carry his child,

it's only fair that he go
through the same pain.

Yeah, but with saline, so that

my male parts don't
turn into female parts.

Yeah, that's how it works.

I just can't believe you
guys are making a baby.

You don't even like each other.

If I wanted to avoid doing
things with people I hate,



I would literally
never leave my house.

And believe me, I am only
doing it for the money.

And believe me, if there was
any other usable, affordable

womb within 1,000 miles of here,

I would not be using hers.

It just sucks that you
have to get so many shots.

Well, I had the option
of taking them orally.

Then why did you pick shots?

That's why.

Amy, you're old, right?

Um...

Like you were alive
during the '90s.

Yeah, I was. Yep,
the roaring '90s.

So, what would you say
would be the best piñata



for a Green Day-themed birthday
party for a two-year-old?

Um, okay.

Let's back that up real quick.

Harmonica's into Green Day?

I doubt she's ever
heard of them.

She's two.

But it's my mom's favorite band,

and it's just easier
not to argue with her.

Wouldn't your mom be okay

with something a little
more kid-friendly?

Like, I don't know, "Minions?"

She just got out of jail.
Minions are criminals.

That could suck her right
back in to the lifestyle.

Good point. Um...

All right, well, what
about, like, mermaids?

I don't know. My mom
really wants Green Day.

Mermaids are a lot
like Green Day.

They're half-fish, half-human,

they're like rebels.

You know, down for whatever.

In fact, they used
to call Green Day

the mermaids of '90s rock.

- Is that true?
- Mm-hmm.

It's totally true.

Jonah, which puzzle seems
more fun for the cabin?

"Bubbling Mountain Brook,"
or "Ankylosaurs?"

Let's go "Bubbling Brook."

Ooh, bad boy. I like it.

Okay, I'm gonna go
hide it so nobody else

buys it before we can.

Ooh, good idea.

Pretty steamy weekend
you guys got planned.

Yeah, I'm excited.

Not as excited as I am.

I got the apartment to myself,
Randy's gonna come over,

we're gonna strap into
our video game chairs

and not move for
70 hours straight.

Oh, um...

Randy's coming over.

Cool.

You're gonna be having sex on a
jigsaw puzzle in the Ozarks,

and you're jealous of Randy?

No, no, jealous? No.

I just didn't know he
was gonna come over,

so that's just, you know,
news to me, is all.

Cool.

20,000, for the most
beautiful gift...

Okay, I ran out of space again.

I'm just gonna void this,
and I'll do another one.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

No, I am not starting out
this journey with a mistake.

Here, you can fill out the forms

while I write another one.

Forms?

"Gestational surrogacy
agreement."

You're making me
sign a contract?

It's what they say
you're supposed to do.

"Regular checkups,"
"custody release..."

Okay, wait, you think I
want to steal your kid?

And then what? Have to
spend years explaining

why it's good thing to be
chosen last for dodgeball?

No, it's just better
safe than sorry.

No, no, no, that's
fine, that's fine.

You know what? I am
gonna give this a read,

and I'll let you know
if I have any thoughts.

It should be fine. It was
the first one on Google.

Oh, look how cute!

Mermaid treasure for
the treasure hunt.

The treasure is seashells?

Wouldn't mermaid
treasure be something

they don't have
general access to?

Like, human garbage would
be treasure to them.

I wish I were a mermaid.
I would clean up.

I think you'd be a mer-man.

Yeah, I don't really
buy mermen as a thing.

Then how did they
use to, you know...

Unless that's why
they went extinct.

They didn't go extinct.

They lost their tails over
the course of centuries

and turned into humans.

It's called evolution.

I don't think so.

Okay, fine, God made us.

Look at the human eye.

It's too complicated.

No, I believe in evolution.

I'm just saying it's make believe...
it's like unicorns.

We don't know that there
were never unicorns.

I read that we discover like 50
new species of frogs each year.

Maybe scientists just haven't
discovered unicorns yet.

Frogs are tiny. I think somebody

would've noticed a unicorn.

A lot of people believe
unicorns exist.

A lot of people
believe in Bigfoot.

A lot of people
believe in angels!

I believe in angels.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do.

I used to think
kangaroos were real.

♪ Sometimes I give
myself the creeps ♪

♪ Sometimes my mind
plays tricks on ♪

"Surrogate shall be reimbursed

for all tailoring expenses?"

I'm gonna have to have
my clothes converted

to maternity clothes and
then converted back after.

"In the event of a baby
over eight pounds,

lessee will reimburse leaser
for vaginal reconstruction."

Hey, I was happy to have
a gentleman's agreement.

You're the one who wanted
to get all formal about it.

I'm gonna have to take some
time to review these changes.

Sure, oh, FYI, clauses
30-49 are all vag-related,

and the last page is
the before photos.

Whoa, Oreo really upped its
game while I was in prison.

It's like a fat
kid's fever dream.

Oh, Amy, this is my mom.

Oh, my gosh! Hi!

You're the famous Amy.

I've heard so much about
you over the years,

I feel like I know you.

I'm so sorry about the divorce
and how your life is going.

Oh, um, thank you.

Uh, so what brings
you to the store?

Oh, she was just bringing me
this shirt that she got me

that I forgot to put
on this morning.

It's more professional.

And I gotta get some
stuff for the party.

Do you have a Green
Day-themed bouncy house?

Green Day? What
happened with mermaids?

My mom thought we should
go back to Green Day.

Mermaids is a little
juvenile, don't you think?

Well, I mean, it is a
two-year-old's birthday party,

and Chey really
liked the idea...

Amy, I don't mean to be rude,

I know you've been kind
of a mother figure

for Cheyenne while
I've been away, but...

I'm her actual mother,

so don't you have some
shelving to do or something?

Yes, sure.

Yeah, sorry.

- Okay.
- Bye.

Bye.

Cinnamon bun Oreos?

Technology.

"I'm her actual mother."

What does that even mean?

Hard to say.

It either means she's the
one who gave birth to her,

or...

that's the only thing
that it means.

Well, it doesn't give her
the right to just swoop in,

and start changing up
perfectly good shirts,

and perfectly good parties.

I mean, mermaids is a better
theme than Green Day.

Like, that's an
objective fact, right?

- I like Green Day.
- Really?

Name three of their songs.

"Boulevard of Broken
Dreams," "Good Riddance,"

"When I Come Around."

Okay, well, those are the obvious ones...
name three more.

"Basket Case," "Longview,"
"American Idiot."

You are a very
irritating person.

I just don't think that
you should butt in.

You... you butt in all the time.

That's why your butt is so big.

"Welcome to Paradise."

"Wake Me Up When
September Ends."

I love Green Day.

I've never really hired
a lawyer before.

But I just wanted to
make sure everything

Dina put in was kosher.

Yeah, well, that makes sense.

I'm sorry about using
the word "kosher."

That wasn't a comment
on your religion.

Oh, I'm not Jewish.

Okay.

I don't mind, though.

Well, is it basically okay?

Yeah, mostly there's just a
couple small, little nitpicky

things that might be worth
discussing with Dina.

Oh, okay. I could go
get her right now.

Yeah.

I'll bring in a
bagel and a smear.

Again, I am not, uh...

You know what? An onion
bagel would be great.

Onion bagel.

Do you think Green
Day is a mistake?

Well, you know, I-I don't
want to butt in, or...

But yes, I do, it's crazy.
Cuckoo bananas, makes no sense.

You think mermaids
would be better?

Yes, 100%, I think you
should do mermaids.

Look, Chey,

you don't have to do everything
your mom tells you to do

just because she's your mom.

I just... I have a hard
time standing up to her.

She never listens
to what I want.

Well, you just gotta sit
her down, and tell her,

"I am a grownup. I make
my own decisions."

You want me to brag
about you to my mom?

Uh-uh.

Sorry.

You would say you
were a grownup,

you make your own decisions.

She knows she's a grownup.

Why don't we go talk
to her together?

Okay.

- Okay.
- All right, yeah.

I was reading about our Airbnb,

and it said that the
toilet is sensitive,

so maybe don't flush
your baby wipes.

Yeah, of course, totally.

Um, hey, earlier, uh, when
you were talking about

how you believed in angels,

you meant, sort of, like
a general, ineffable

sense of spiritual
presence, right?

Not... not like magical little
creatures flying around?

What, you mean like fairies?

Yeah, I mean, I...

- Oh, no, no, I'm not a child.
- Okay, all right, okay.

Okay, I was just... I
was just checking.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, by angels, I
meant like regular-sized,

celestial beings who
look out for us.

Right.

Right, yeah, but not... not with,
like, with halos and wings.

No, they have halos and
wings, they're angels.

Right.

Okay, cool, yeah, no,
I was just, um...

I was just checking, so.

Are they goat? Are they dog?
I don't know what they are.

- Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys!
- Shh! Shh!

Two chupacabra sightings,

two remote Mexican villages,

same exact description.

And you know those people
don't have the Internet.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, I'm sold.

I'm putting it in real.

You know what should
be in mythical?

A man who knows where
the G-spot is.

Justine,

contribute, or leave.

It's the third time
you've made that joke.

Oh, so now, we're
lawyering up, is that it?

No, no, no, no.
Bruce is a friend.

He's here to help us.

It's more like we're
"friending" up.

I'm not here to make
anything contentious.

I just want to make sure

there's no misunderstandings
down the road.

See? He's a nice guy.

So, as I understand it,

you both mutually agreed
to this surrogacy, so...

- Mm-hmm.
- If you were to fail to honor

your agreement, we
would be forced

to go after you with
extreme prejudice.

Wait...

Go after me?

I'm sorry, maybe I
wasn't being clear.

Um, we would sue you for every
penny that you're worth.

We would own you, 'cause you
mess with Glenn Sturgis,

you get the horns!

Okay, this is not... this is
not what we talked about.

So you either sign
this contract,

or we're gonna bury you
under so much paperwork

you're gonna need a machete

to get from your bedroom
to your bathroom!

Well, the joke's on you,
because I keep a machete

in every room in my house.

Okay, we're losing the magic

of the journey that we're
going on together.

Sign the contract, Ms.
Fox. You sign it!

You want to come
after me, Glenn?

- No.
- Well, bring it on.

And as for you, I have a
cousin at the Bar Association,

so you better pray to God your
CLE credits are up to date.

Well, I think that was
a nice opening bid.

Oh, is this whitefish?

Do you believe in angels?

Uh, which answer leads to
no follow-up questions?

Kelly believes in 'em.

Like believes
believes, you know?

It's like wings and
halos and harps.

Well, I didn't ask about
harps, but I assume...

So she believes in angels.
Who cares?

I don't care, no, I just...

I just think it's
interesting, you know,

I mean, I don't
believe in angels,

but if she wants to
believe in angels,

then I respect that, you know?

Doesn't bother me.

Is that something you
think would bother you?

Maybe, I don't know. Hey,
when do you guys leave?

Because I'm about to
order a 22-foot sub,

and I'd prefer to
keep it intact,

so one end has to
start in your room.

So there are a couple issues.

Wow, that's complex.

That is complex.

Um, your daughter is trying
to have a conversation

with you, so if you could
put the cookie down,

and try to engage
meaningfully...

I'm so sorry, I was just
recently in couple's therapy,

and that just popped out.

All right, I'm
engaging meaningfully.

I don't want to do
a Green Day party.

I thought I asked you to
mind your own business.

This is all Cheyenne, I'm
just here for support.

But she agrees with me, okay?

Green Day is dumb.

And you know what? I'm
not going to college.

What? Huh? No, we
didn't talk about that.

Cheyenne, you're
going to college.

No, I'm not.

Just 'cause you're my
mom doesn't mean that

you get to tell me what to do.

Right, Amy?

Um, I mean, in general,
that seems true...

See? She agrees.

I'm an adult, and I
make my own decisions.

And so, I'm gonna
buy a motorcycle,

or, I don't know, a
monkey, maybe both.

Um, could we just quickly go
back to the college thing...

You don't get to tell
me what to eat, either!

So if I want to eat peyote,

I am gonna eat all
the peyote I want.

And I'm getting a
full-sized back tattoo

of the raccoon from
"Guardians of the Galaxy,"

okay? 'Cause I love
that movie, and...

♪

So you're saying reindeers
actually exist,

like, in the real world?

We had a reindeer in the
store on Christmas.

I didn't think it was
a real reindeer.

I thought it was a normal deer

with antlers nailed to its head.

Oh, I don't think leprechauns
should be in the real column.

Who knows, though, right?

- What?
- What are you doing?

Is this still about
the angel thing?

- Hm?
- Look, I get it.

I mean, it must be hard
to believe in angels

if you've never seen
one first-hand.

Wait, you've seen an angel?

- Sure have.
- When?

Shh! When?

Well, um, when I was five,

I fell into the indoor pool

at the Silver Dollar
City Ramada Inn.

And I mean,

I sank like a brick.

And I remember thinking I'd
never seen my parents again.

When suddenly, this
figure appeared.

Did he have wings?

He did have wings.

Knew it. I knew it.

And he sort of was like
floating above me,

as if to say, "You're safe now."

Next thing I know, I'm
back in our hotel room,

dry as a bone.

Oh!

Wow.

That's real.

Is it possible that the
figure was floating

because he was, you
know, in a pool?

I know what I saw.

Yeah, and I believe that you
believe that you saw that,

but you were also deprived of
oxygen for a little while...

Why are you doing this?

Because he's jelly of
your peanut butter.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not...
I'm not jelly, no.

I just... I just think, you
know, maybe what you saw

wasn't, um, an angel.

Maybe what you saw was just a
pasty hotel guest in a robe.

Yeah, maybe.

Mm-hmm. Maybe I'll consider that

when I'm home this
weekend, alone.

Whoa, whoa, what are
we talking about, now?

Trouble in paradise.

Have you been in the
break room all day?

Yeah, I'm just not
feeling it today.

Look, I'm sorry, I
did not know that

she was gonna say those things.

All I said to her was
that she should be able

to make her own decisions.
But I am not her mom.

And if someone told my
daughter not to listen to me,

well, then, I would
be pretty upset.

So, I am sorry.

I just get so worried

she's gonna make the
same mistakes I did.

- Yeah.
- I get so scared

she's gonna end up in jail,

or still working here
when she's our age.

Uh, yeah, I don't...

I don't know that those two
are exactly equivalent.

I don't know which is worse.

Jail, probably.

Well...

Hey, what do you think about Bo?

Uh, I think he is an
interesting individual.

I think he's a loser.

Clown. I mean, "clown"

is the first word
that comes to mind.

When I think of him, like,

I half expect my hand to
buzz when he shakes it.

I don't think clowns
do that any more,

but that's very funny.

You're funny.

Hey.

Dina, I know things got
a little heated...

Listen, I apologize
if I overreacted.

Oh, thank God. Me too.

The things is, I'm
gonna go have sex

- with Marcus in a few minutes.
- What?

What?

That's the special project
you needed help with?

Sweet!

- Why would you...
- There's just an attraction

there, I can't deny it,

blah, blah, blah, the point is,

maybe I get pregnant,
maybe I don't.

Who knows?

So this could be all booked up.

No room at the inn.

You can't do this.

Oh, I am going to
with zero protection.

Zero?

Amy and I think you need

to start getting serious
about your life.

So now you're on her side?

No, I'm not on anyone's side.

I just agree with
her on this stuff.

So, now I think it's time for
you to engage meaningfully.

You gotta be responsible, and
part of being responsible

means getting rid of Bo.

Wait, what?

He's a loser, Amy
and I both agree.

You do?

No, uh-uh, I did never
call him a loser.

Sorry, I think I'm the one
who called him a loser.

Amy called him a clown.

I don't... I don't know
how this is productive.

How about we get back
to the college...

I can't believe you guys.

Amy and I are on the same
page about this one.

I felt like that went so well.

She is so attached to Bo.

Yeah, they are married.

The same rules as last time?

No kissimg, no eye contact, I
leave as soon as you're done?

We're not sleeping together.

That was just a negotiation
tactic with Glenn.

Oh, right.

Of course. Smart.

I mean, if someone
actually cared,

it could be super
hurtful, but it's not me.

Dina, I'd like you to
meet my new surrogate.

She's ready to rock.

Isn't that right, Sandra?

Yeah, I'm really excited.

And I have no problem
signing all the paperwork,

so let's do it.

Sandra, mm-hmm. You're
gonna go with Sandra?

Mm-hmm.

You are gonna leave your baby
at the mercy of a person

whose judgment is so bad
she moved from Hawaii

to St. Louis?

Yes, I am.

And as soon as I give
Sandra the shot,

our deal is over.

Fine, good.

Marcus!

That was just
foreplay, all right?

We're about to get
this thing going!

Sandra, lift your shirt.

Marcus, take off your shirt!

Fair warning, I still have a
bit of a Thanksgiving paunch

I'm working off. All
right, this is happening.

Oh, oh, oh, well, you know
what else is happening?

This thing over here!
Yeah, look at this!

Here we go!

- Take this off!
- Come on, go, go, go!

Guys, guys, guys!

You both know what you're
doing, so stop pretending!

Glenn, you obviously don't
want to use Sandra.

Of course I don't
want to use Sandra.

Who would want to use Sandra?

You think I want to
have sex with Marcus?

He starts every time by saying,

"I'm not really sure what
I'm doing down there."

Oh, sorry for being honest.

Well, both of you clearly want
this, so just get over it.

Fine with me.

All right.

So...

I guess we should
go back to work.

Are you hitting on me?

I honestly... I
can't tell anymore.

Hey.

Hey, join us.

So you two are getting along.

Yeah, we worked it all out.

Good, good.

See? All it needed was a
little bit of communication...

Amy, we're gonna need you
to engage meaningfully

for a minute.

I'm sorry, what?

Shh! You're not engaging.

Look, I love you, but sometimes,

you give a little bit
too much advice.

Like, telling me how
to spend my money,

or that my yearbook
quote shouldn't be,

"Catch me outside,
how 'bout that?"

Yeah, I was just saying that
yearbooks are permanent.

You're pushy, you're
manipulative,

and you were super
mean about Bo.

Ooh, are you burning Amy?
I got a good one.

Your hair. Boom.

That was harsh.

I don't know, man, I
mean, today it's angels,

tomorrow it's, let's
go ghost hunting.

Look, man, Kelly is
cool, she's fun,

you guys should
go away together.

Yeah, well, maybe we will.
Just not this weekend.

No.

You have something special,

and you're gonna
throw it all away

'cause she sees an angel or two?

Are you just saying this because

you don't want to miss out
on your epic gaming weekend

- with Randy?
- Screw the weekend!

This is about you and
an amazing woman

that I don't want
to see slip away.

Okay, you can drop the
cheesy Rom-Com routine.

Jonah, the world
is a lonely place.

Now, when two people find love,
they need to celebrate...

Ironically, the
content of everything

you're saying is true,

but you don't need to...
to dress it up in some...

You have a real
shot at happiness,

you dumb son of a bitch.

If you don't take it,
I'll never forgive you.

But more importantly,

you'll never forgive you.

Okay, I'll go talk to Kelly.

You take that shot, man.

You go to her, and
you never look back!

I'm going to, but not because
of this thing, okay?

You get her back.

Sorry about that, dawg.
Yes, we are back on.