Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - High Volume Store - full transcript

A few last bits of housekeeping.

We switched the isle six endcap

so don't be alarmed.

The softball team
will once again

not be happening and...

Last thing, ah...

We got word that Jerusha has
an abnormally shaped uterus

which will prevent her
from getting pregnant.

So if any of you know any women

who might like to carry our
baby, you know, let me know.

Any questions about softball?



Okay then, well, Jeff,
the floor is yours.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you for that
warm reception.

I mean, you're here a lot.

True. Today's not
about me, though.

It's about something big.

Bigger than all of us.

Is it your forehead?

No. Hi, Mateo.

Um, sales are up this quarter.

We are within $80,000
of reclassification.

If we can make that by
the end of the day,

we will go from being a
triple-A store to a...

- See where I'm going?
- No.



Reclassified as a...

Nobody's following you.
Just finish.

Quadruple-A, guys. We're
gonna be a Quad-A store.

We're gonna be a
high volume store.

Whoo! Huh?

Any questions? Garrett.

Abnormally shaped how?

Oh, okay, well, if a woman's
uterus is normally shaped

like a V, Jerusha's is
kinda like a corkscrew.

Kinda like a duck's. Wait, I'll...
I'll draw it.

I meant questions about
the reclassification.

What are we now?

Well, we're triple-A.
I just said that.

So this would be
one more A then?

Exactly.

Believe me, you guys
are gonna love this.

So do we get anything or...

Yes, you get a sense of pride,

a sense of accomplishment.

Quad-A stores are the first
to feature new products.

Once they take our cafeteria

and transfer it into a Pizza
Hut, there's gonna be...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did
you just say Pizza Hut?

Yeah.

Like we're famous or something?

Uh, a point of
clarification, Jeff,

would it have the soda too?

Yeah, I believe so.

Oh!

That's a formal Pizza Hut.

There she is.

♪

Give me the marker

'cause someone just made
a thousand dollar sale.

- It was Brett.
- I know.

I just like filling
in the thermometer.

It's very satisfying.

Is Pizza Hut that great?

When you've been here long
enough, any change is amazing.

Plus, it's like, Where do you work?
Cloud 9.

The regular one?

Uh, no, the one
with the Pizza Hut.

It just... it seems odd that
Jeff waited until today

to tell us about all this.

And he was selling it so hard.

"Believe me, you're
gonna love it."

That's what my dad said

before he moved out and
got his own place.

Oh, boo-hoo, poor Jonah.

Both of his parents
were homeowners.

What a tragedy.

Actually, it was his
friend's condo.

That's not gonna help.

You're just looking
for problems.

Maybe, but there's a
Quad-A in Crestwood.

We could go over there at lunch.

Check it out, maybe.
Just to be safe.

I mean, it's not the worst idea.

Hey, keep your eye
on the prize, okay?

- That's a good point.
- Is it?

You know, I honestly didn't
know how many candidates

we'd get from a
Craigslist ad, but...

Wonderful things can happen
in all sorts of ways.

I agree.

But you did see the part where
we said we couldn't afford

the going rate for surrogates?

I mean, I know the agencies say
it could be as much as $50,000.

But we've only saved 20.

Oh, 20's more than enough.

Oh.

Of which we can
only give you 15.

It's not a problem.

- Sorry, I meant ten.
- That's low, so...

Okay, no, 15, 15, 15.
We agree on 15.

- Great.
- Okay.

You should go with this one.

It's 4K.

What does 4K mean?

Oh, um,

The first K is "knowledge."

And then the second K...

4K televisions have
8.3 megapixels.

The human eye is
literally incapable

of appreciating a finer
resolution than this.

Wow. Okay, I'll take it.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

It has all of the channels.

Okay, so Charles Marquard,

this is your American
Express Business card.

Yep.

And you don't have
an ID with you.

Left it at the office.

You'd like to purchase an
Xbox One and a pile of candy.

Yeah, you know, for the kids.

What kinda business you in?

Oil and gas.

Oh, you know if it was me,

I might pick up a second
Xbox to have one upstairs,

- have one downstairs.
- Okay.

You're a good dad, Mr. Marquard.

♪

Okay, as soon as we hit
$80,000, drop the balloons,

hit the music, get a
candid picture of me

celebrating with everybody
to send to corporate.

Got it, got it. Hey, now
let's talk dancers.

How many are we talking?
And... all dudes?

Maybe no dancers.

Music and balloons
with no dancers?

That's... gonna look
insane, but fine.

Jeff. Uh, new hat?

Yeah. I splurged.

You know, it's a huge day.
It's a very huge day.

Definitely. Um,
we were wondering

if you could maybe tell
us a little bit more

about what we can expect once
this store becomes Quad-A.

Oh, uh, well, yeah, I mean,

things are pretty much
gonna be the same.

Well, but earlier you
said it would be better.

Yes, obviously better.

- Better and the same.
- Nice.

That sounds amazing.

Right.

Is there any possibility that
it could maybe get worse?

You know what, there's a lot
of liars out there, okay?

Look for people who have
scores to settle, perhaps.

And don't believe
everything you hear.

What would we have heard?

Oh, I don't know,
but whatever it is,

it would've been untrue.

That's why it's a paradox.

Believe me. It's gonna be great.

Trust me.

Man, I can't wait
for it to be great.

So, what's next?

You write me a check and I
can have a baby for you

in as little as a week.

- A week?
- Oh, is that too long?

I mean, if you're
really impatient,

I can get you one earlier,

but you're not gonna get
to choose the color.

Turns out that when you
can't pay top dollar,

the surrogates you get are
just a bunch of plops.

Aw, I'm sure you'll
find someone.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think that
maybe God is trying

to send me a message that
people in their late 50s

shouldn't conceive a child.

That's crazy talk.

You guys are gonna
have a killer baby.

Everyone's gonna wanna carry it.

Yeah, right. Would you?

Of course, I would.

Really? You mean that?

Absolutely.

Thank you! Oh, my God.

Jerusha, this is a blessed day.
I found her.

♪

Wow, it is busy here.

Is it always like this?

Welcome to the show, people.
Welcome to the show.

Excuse me, hi, sorry
to interrupt.

Uh, can I ask you a question?
Oh, sure.

Do you like working here?

I love working here.

It's the best job I've ever had.

- Great. Thank you.
- Have a heavenly day.

All right. See? Best
job she's ever had?

Where I come from, something
being the best thing

usually means it's pretty good.

Oh, hey, sorry, just
out of curiosity,

what's, uh, what's the
worst part of your job?

No part. It's wonderful.

It's the best job I've ever had.

Have a heavenly day.

Did you hear that? That was...

That was two "best
job I ever hads"

It's a colloquialism.
Like, "It is what it is."

Or, "Women be shopping."

Excuse me. Hi.

Um, how long have you
been working here?

Well, it's been the
best job I've ever had

for about 4 1/2 years.

Best job I've ever had.

Have a heavenly day.

People love it here. Obviously.

Ah!

Oh, sorry about that.

Jerusha is making embroidery of
your face on a rabbit's body.

- Mm.
- To say thank you.

You know, and she wanted
something she could work with.

Could you profile?

- So Jerusha's on board?
- Yeah.

It just means so much to us
that you're willing to do this.

Means so much to me.

So she doesn't think that
I'm, you know, too young,

or irresponsible? Or stupid?

No.

'Cause, you know, if you guys
wanted to go with someone else,

I... I wouldn't be offended.

Cheyenne, do you
still wanna do this?

Oh...

Yes. Definitely.

- Totally.
- Great.

You just, you know,
try and stop me.

I won't.

Yeah. The thing is...

- Um...
- Ah, is it Bo?

Mm-hmm, yeah. It's Bo.

If it were up to me,
I would just say,

You put a baby in me
right now, mister.

But Bo, he just sucks, you know.

Yeah. Bo sucks.

Uh, hey, Len. I'm... I'm Jonah.

How's it going today?

Are you okay?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, she's fine. She
does this every day.

Nothing.

You guys aren't supposed
to be back here.

Relax, we're legit.

We work at the Ozark
Highlands store.

And we're about to go Quad-A,

so we just wanted to see
what that was like.

They're quaddin' ya, huh?

Yeah. They're quadding us.

So, um, what's it like?

Be straight with me.
Polo to polo.

Honestly, you're screwed.

We cannot become a Quad-A.

- I don't understand.
- It's total chaos.

Everyday there is
like Black Friday.

- It's hell.
- Hell on steroids.

Isn't hell bad enough
without adding steroids?

Everyone there is
exhausted all the time.

They are open 24 hours.

Which means they never
have a chance to catch up.

So when do they
have time to clean?

No, guys, we've come too far.
We are this close to Quad-A.

Now is not the time to...

They don't let employees
eat the pizza.

- Withdrawn.
- So what do we do?

We need to slow down sales.

Guys, when do they
have time to clean?

They don't.

Well, then it never gets clean.

All right, you heard Amy, guys,

let's cross that finish
line and become Quad-A.

Marcus, were you even listening?

Sorry, I got a text earlier.

Honestly, I missed a lot of
what you guys were saying.

♪ Jah at the controller,
Bua bua bua yeah ♪

♪ Wha gwan rasta
Control the simma ♪

- Bo?
- Oh, yo, what up, spouse?

What're you doing here?
Where's Harmonica?

Ah, she's at the zoo.
She's good.

Oh, good. Bo's here.

So, why don't we all go have
a chat, you know, and...

see if we can't
change your mind?

- Yeah, let's do this.
- Okay.

What're we gonna
change my mind about?

- I think you know.
- Huh?

- I think I know?
- You think you know.

Yeah, I called you,
and I was like,

"Please, Bo, let me
have Glenn's baby."

And you were like, "Nah,
girl, no way, no how, okay?"

Squash that noise. Peace."

Wow, that's crazy, 'cause,
like, the way I remember it,

that never happened at all.

It's funny how perception is,
you know what I'm sayin'?

Bo, is there anything that
Cheyenne and I can say

to help you change your mind?

Mm, I don't know.

It's like, I wanna be
sex-positive, but, like,

on the other side of the hand,

thinking about my wife
banging an old couple...

No, no, no!

And would I get to
go with Jerusha?

Almost definitely not.

Well, I really wanna
do this for Glenn.

Well, I guess I...

But I also understand
your point that

me having another man's
baby might make you look

like some kind of...

I don't know... a punk-ass
chump or something.

Yep, uh-huh.

It... It's okay.

I... I accept your
decision and...

Well, I'm disappointed,
you know.

I respect that you guys
won't change your morals

for a measly $20,000.

20 grand? Huh?

Of course, for Bo, it's
not about the money.

I didn't know there was money.

I thought this was like
a dare or something.

Yo, for 20 grand you can
stick whatever you want

in either of us.

Okay, everyone, I made some
quick shift assignment changes.

Henry, Elias, you're
in ladies' shoes.

Mateo, you're in sports.

So what do I do?

Oh, ah, Kelly,
you're on register.

Oh, I've never done that before.

Oh, I know, you're
gonna be so bad at it.

Hey, Ames, what about me?

Oh, Marcus, yes, you just float.

I want the customers to feel
like you're everywhere.

Nice. MVP.

We also need someone to
run interference on Jeff.

Just keep him occupied with
stories that are boring

that no one would
ever care about.

I... will do my best to act
like somebody who does that.

You don't need to act, I
mean, you're brutal...

Dina. He knows what he is.

All right, guys, listen up.

This is not a time for words.

But I should say

that this is a chance for
this store to become bigger,

to become more.

But if we work together,

we can stop that from happening.

All right, guys.

Bring it in. On three.

- Okay.
- Ow, ow.

- Hold on a sec.
- Okay, okay, okay.

- No pushing.
- You just stepped on my foot.

- Okay, okay.
- Be gentle.

This is gonna work.

♪

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

there is a carbon monoxide
leak in the store.

It's the silent killer,
so you're gonna wanna go.

Buying some apples, huh?

Whoops.

Nope. Not that one.

I mean, maybe it was
just who we are

collectively as a
nation at the time,

but things just really felt
like they could be solved.

♪

- I can't let you buy these.
- What? Why?

It's been recalled, sorry.

All right, now it's buzzing
at me like it's mad at me.

Or something.

Making some fruit salad?

My wife needs this. I
promised her I'd get it.

She needs them? Nobody
needs coconut shrimp.

Perhaps we've lost
some innocence.

Perhaps the collective
zeitgeist of the country

has soured.

Here, let me help you with that.

♪

Whoo! Not today, bro.

Oh, we're in.

But it's not turning.

Ah. Almost.

But then it got good again,

so I guess ultimately
"Bloodline" was worth watching.

While that's fascinating,

I'm not sure it
constitutes an emergency

that we need to talk
about right now,

so I gotta get back
in there, okay?

Wait, no, no, no, wait, no.
That wasn't the emergency.

No, that was... that was just
pre-emergency small talk.

No, the, um, emergency

is, uh...

You.

What're you talking about?

Aw, Jeff, come on.

You're obviously going through
something and... and I...

I just want you to
know that I see you,

and I am here if you
ever wanna talk.

I'd like that.

Oh, you would, yeah, uh...

Cool.

I'm torn.

On one hand, that doesn't
look good on you.

On the other hand, what would?

Yes, good work.

I'm just saying what I feel

and people do not like
what they're hearing.

I am a strong cup of coffee.

We're still under and we only
have five minutes till closing.

We might just crap this bed yet.

What's happening?

- Did we hit our goal?
- No, wait.

This has to be a mistake.
We're like thousands under.

No, we're not. I
couldn't stop him.

Hell yeah.

Hot tub, son. Ha-ha!

Like we always dreamed of.

It's gonna be like living
in a Holiday Inn Express.

- We can't afford a hot tub.
- We got 20 grand now.

That's literally an
infinite amount of money.

No, Bo, you have to
return that right now.

Can't. It's a floor model.
No returns.

So what does that mean?

♪

Congrats. We're
officially Quad-A.

May God have mercy on us all.

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot ♪

This is a disaster. Why are
you dropping balloons?

It's not my fault
canceling balloon drop

looks the exact same
as dropping balloons.

♪

You think you know where
your life is going.

And then suddenly, you're 40,

running a rat race you
don't even understand.

You're trying to fix
everything on the outside.

So I get the boots,
I get the earring.

- I get the lipo.
- The hat.

What's wrong with the hat?
The hat's working.

Exactly. Yeah, nothing.

Where was I?

Okay, so I put all
the important dates

on this pregnancy calendar, see?

Like the implantation
and the ultrasounds.

So I guess you know what
you're gonna be doing

with all your free time
for the next nine months.

Great, I'll be pregnant
when it's really hot.

That's fun.

Cheyenne, do you
really wanna do this?

Mm-hmm.

I'm really happy about it.

The deal's off.

No, I can do it.

I don't want you to.

Because I don't want my baby
carried by a huge stinker,

- like you.
- I'm a stinker?

You're a fat bitch.

Oh, wait, you're being nice.

No, I'm not being nice.
I'm being mean.

And... now I don't
want a big stinky baby

from a big stinker like you.

Get out of my office.

You're stinking up the place.

Pee-yew! Ugh.

Go take a bath in some tomatoes.

Quad-A, after all.

We were so close.

I just gotta say...

Been a privilege taking
breaks with you guys.

Sitting here, looking
at my phone,

while you guys are
looking at your phones.

I'm gonna miss it.

We never appreciated
what we had here.

Let's relax. It was
a crappy store.

Yeah, fair enough.

It'll be fine, you guys.

We'll clean as we go.

We'll clean as we go.

How do you get money
stains off your hands?

What're you talking about?

You know how when
you handle money,

the ink comes off on your hands?

Another counterfeit.

But I used the pen thingy
and it was yellow.

Yeah, that means fake.
You want brown.

I thought it was, If it's
yellow, let it mellow.

Wait, no, that's piss.

There are so many of these.

Where we at?

We're not Quad-A. We did it!

- Alright!
- You tiny little fool.

We're not number one.
We're not nu... no.

It doesn't work as well.

I guess it was when Mateo
dumped me, you know, I just...

I just dove into my work,

'cause I thought that would
be fulfilling, but...

So here I am, on the cusp
of having a Quad-A store

and it's like, I don't even
know if I want that, you know?

Oh, actually, we
didn't make Quad-A.

What? Dammit.

- Oh, no, it's gonna be...
- No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is bad. I can't
go home, Jonah.

I'm. I'm.

I bought a Subaru!
That money's gone!

Gone. I couldn't wait a week?

One week. No discipline.

- Hey, Glenn.
- Mm.

Just wanted to let you know
we didn't make the target.

No Quad-A.

Oh, okay.

- You all right?
- Hmm?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

I was so close to having a baby.

But...

You wanna be my surrogate?

The idea of carrying your child

makes me wanna put a
bullet through my uterus.

I was joking.

I wouldn't want you
to carry my baby

if you paid me the $20,000.

Wait, you're paying $20,000?

Just for someone to
squirt out your kid?

Well, yeah, a little bit more.

I mean, that's practically
what I take home in a year.

I could fix up my house. Pay
off my credit card bills.

I could put my mom away for
good with money like that.

Well, I mean...

If that's something you wanted,
I could think about it.

I mean, if you were interested

then I would think about it.

- It's not something I want.
- Oh, I would want it far less.

- Okay.
- Okay.

This is cool.

You know, I've always wanted

to have a family
of my own someday,

so it'll be great to
have a practice baby

where nothing matters.

- Wait, wait...
- Like, whatever happens to it

happens to it, you know?