Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Grand Re-Opening - full transcript

The National Weather Service

has issued a heightened
tornado watch.

Everybody stay inside!

We are gonna lock
this place down!

Dear lord Jesus, in your
infinite power and compassion,

please save us!

I love you, Jeff! I
didn't want to die

without letting you
know how I feel!

Hey! Sandra! Sandra!

Dear Allah, in your infinite
power and compassion,

please save us from destruction.



Thank you for being there for me

and for keeping me calm.

Of course.

Anytime.

I hope you all had
an amazing vacation.

By "vacation," you
mean the two months

we were laid off without pay?

Uh-huh. Anyways,

I've been doing a lot
of soul-searching

- since the tornado, and...
- Coming through!

Almost got me there. And...
and it's been raising

some big questions for me.
Questions like...

Questions that...

Why did the tornado hit us?



And why did it stop
when I prayed to Allah?

- And why...
- Ah!

Sorry. I almost fell.

Does that mean that Allah
is the one true god?

Or that Allah and Jesus
are the same god?

Or... or that they're
different gods,

but with varying
responsibilities?

What's the meaning of...

What's the...

So that's what I've
been thinking about.

Anyone else have
thoughts on that?

Okay, then.

Let's get to work!

What was that, a 20-minute walk?

23.

Remember, single file when
we cross the highway.

- Are we cloud one?
- No.

Wow, that's really bad luck.

Yeah, it... well, it
wasn't just my apartment.

The tornado leveled the
whole building, so...

Scary. Were you in
it at the time?

No, I was... here, at the time.

Oh, right. Blonde moment.

Yeah, so anyway,
everything I own is gone,

and now I'm... I'm living
in a FEMA trailer.

So in a way, you're
officially trailer trash now?

Well, I am living
in a trailer, so...

Ha. Admits it.

Oh. Why don't you move
into Garrett's apartment?

No! No.

I mean... nah.

Jonah doesn't want to live with a roommate.
He's an adult.

Yeah, no. I... I mean, I...
I would, I would love that,

but I would never... I
would never impose.

But I mean, it wouldn't be a problem.
I could do it.

It's just that it's...
really cramped.

Sure, sure, yeah.

Oh. I thought you
had a two-bedroom.

Ah, okay. Sure, yes,

you know, if you want to get
architectural about it,

then yes, I do have
a second bedroom,

but, when you use a wheelchair,
you need multiple bedrooms.

Oh. Why?

Safety.

Excuse me. Gotta go.

Oops. Sorry.

Back at it, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, it's
like we never left.

So, uh, how are things at home?

Emma. How's... how's Emma?

Awesome. Yeah, she's
starting high school.

Oh, wow. Uh, that's exciting.
Teenager.

- I know. I know, right?
- Look out!

Oh boy.

Uh...

So, we... we never...
talked about the...

Do we have to?

Oh, yeah, no, I mean,
I'd rather not,

if you don't need to.

No! I don't. I don't need to.

Great. Yeah, no, I
don't need to either.

No, yeah. Same. Same...

Same, same. Just, uh, you know.

Didn't want...

Things to be awkward.

- No! Awkward.
- Pfft.

It's not awkward. It's fine.
I'm fine.

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- You are fine.

I mean fine, like you're...
I am superfine.

- Hey, Marcus!
- Marcus!

Hey, what's going on, buddy?

Just carrying some stuff.

Classic Marcus.

Hang out!

Yeah, I'm glad they
hired you back.

Okay. Thanks. I will.

Hey, listen, I've been thinking

we should kick Mateo out
of the friend group.

So, maybe they're the same god,

but with different
responsibilities.

- Yes, can we table that?
- Oh, sure.

I just want to make sure
that, construction aside,

you're going to be
ready for the opening.

Oh, don't worry. I got
your email right here.

Uh, we got door prizes,

and Minions for the kids,

and Howie Mandel's coming?

No, not the head of marketing.

The comedian. Same name.

Oh. Well, relax. I'm not
going to let you down.

Good. I'll see you
today at 3:00.

Oh. Why're you coming at 3:00?

For the opening.

Uh-huh.

It says, "Bring back the staff"

a week before the grand
opening, on the 28th."

Today's the 28th.

Well, he couldn't be more clear!

Yes! He could've said
"The grand opening,

which is on the 28th."

This makes the 28th sound
like the start date!

"Bring back the staff a week
before the grand opening...

"on the 28th." Yeah,
this is confusing.

No! "Bring back the
staff a week before..."

the grand opening on the 28th."

He didn't say it like that.
You're adding emphasis.

Okay, guys. We just
need to figure out

what we're going to do.

Or as Dina would put it,

"We need to figure out

what we're gonna do."

Maybe I would. Maybe I
would say it like that.

Yeah, well good luck in radio.

♪

Attention, employee...

Attention. Test. Testing.

Ah, dang it.

Listen up, everybody!

We're opening today
in, like, four hours!

So that means we need to be
ready in, like, four hours!

To be honest,

I don't think we can do that.

Just doesn't seem possible.

It's not something that
can be accomplished.

But that's just my
opinion, though.

All right. Peace!

Okay, so we don't
have much time,

which means we need
to stock the shelves

with the big items first, and...

Wait.

What if we just
set up one aisle,

take a picture of it,

blow that bad boy up life-sized,

and then just slap it over
all the other aisles? Boom.

Uh-huh, maybe.

Look, we can always
redo stuff tomorrow,

so for now, it's better
to do things fast and bad

than slow and good.

But fast and good is better.

What are you doing?

What? Fast and good is better

than fast and bad.

Yes, but for now,

we're gonna prioritize speed.

Okay. I'm... I'm
prioritizing both.

You can't prioritize both!

Forget it. Just make the place

look as good as possible
before Jeff gets here.

Wait. Jeff is coming... today?

Yep.

How about slow and bad?

Ugh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What is going on here?
- Oh, I, uh...

I can't shower in the mornings

because Cliff, in the
adjoining trailer,

only takes baths.

Well, gotta do
what you gotta do.

Yeah. It's... it's just
until I find a place,

or someone who will let
me stay with them, so...

Mm-hmm. Well, I'ma...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you do you.
Yeah.

- What'd you say?
- Huh?

Oh, I... I thought
you said something.

I didn't say anything.

All right.

We are looking for
Minions costumes only.

What in the name of God
is "Lego Ninjago?"

Excuse me.

Just hang on. Uh, we're closed.

You're going to need
to come back at 3:00.

I'm not a customer. I'm Howie.

Mandel.

I was told to be here at 11:00.

Oh, you're working here?

Yeah, kinda.

Oh, damn it. God!

I hate when they don't
tell me about new hires.

Okay, find yourself a
vest and a name tag

and go help Leonard in produce.

Sorry about that.

I'm Howie Mandel.

Yeah, that's fine. Tell payroll.

Vest. Tag. Produce. Go!

What...

"America's Got Talent"?

I don't know what
you're asking me.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay, you're going to have
to redo the whole thing.

I'd have to take everything
off the shelf to move it.

Well, then it's a bad day
to be Earl, isn't it?

Don't sigh!

I can hear you sighing!

- Glenn.
- What?

We don't have time to
restock a whole shelf.

Exactly. See, Earl?

Now you've pissed off Amy, too.

Sometimes I think the whole
world's incompetent.

You know what, Glenn?
I am so glad

that you finished writing
your speech so quickly,

so that you could be here
to supervise everything.

- My speech?
- Well, yeah, I mean,

obviously you're going to have
to speak at the ribbon cutting.

Obviously.

Don't worry! We'll do the
best we can without you.

Leave the shelf where it is.

Not today, Earl.

What am I going to say to Jeff?

He never called me back.

Maybe he didn't get the message.

Maybe he couldn't hear
you over the tornado.

Well, I don't even know if I
want him to have heard me.

- It's complicated.
- Mm.

My boyfriend Jerry got hit
in the head by a mailbox

during the tornado.

He's been in a coma ever since.

I visit him every
day to read to him.

I'm on the fifth Harry
Potter book, and...

Ooh! You know what we could do?

Maybe we could do a test in
front of one of those big fans

to see if he could hear you.

God, that's an amazing idea!

He's off the breathing tube.

So, that's good.

Okay, I need three of you
to help me unload a truck.

Don, Marcus, and... Myrtle.

Meet me in back in five.

Tough luck, dude.

Ah, it's fine.

Oh, hey, listen.

I heard about your
living situation

and if you want, you
can crash with me.

Wow. Uh, that's...

That's really nice, Marcus.
Thank you.

Yes! The horsemen!
Living together!

Partying hard.

Luring ladies back to the pad.

I'm sorry. "Luring?"

Hilarious. You know what I mean.

I don't, actually.

You're a crazy man. We're
going to be on fire.

Chicks are going to be
banging down the door,

and we'll be like, "Please,
ladies, one at a time."

One at a time,

as in there's...
there's two of us

and one of them?

No.

Hey, uh, Garrett.

Um, I'm supposed to
give a speech later,

and I'm a little nervous
about it, uh, given that...

I'm sorry. I'm a little
embarrassed to say.

- Your voice.
- What? No. Not...

Given that I didn't
prepare anything.

What's wrong with my voice?

Nothing. You have a nice voice.

Garrett, I'm not a child.

If there's something
wrong with my voice,

you can just tell me.

Okay. Um...

Some people... not me,
but some people...

might find your
voice, octave-wise,

to be the teeniest,
tiniest, bit...

High.

What?

- Yeah.
- Who?

Uh, anyone with ears.

That's everybody.

Yeah, it's high.

♪ ♪

Hi, I'm Glenn. This is my voice.

How come no one ever told me
that I sounded like that?

We thought you knew.

But that's not how I
sound on the inside!

On the inside, I sound
like, "Hi, I'm Glenn."

That's the same voice.

Not what you hear. What I hear.

Okay, I found a costume shop
with two Minion costumes.

Do I have a weird voice?

Yeah. It's preposterous.

Anyway, I guess they were
rented for some birthday party,

but the kid was
murdered or kidnapped,

or changed his mind or something.
I don't know.

I wasn't listening.
The point is,

you two should go right
now and pick them up.

- What? Why us two?
- Together?

We have a lot to do. All right?

Henry can't be around children.

Marcus is on his third DUI.

Elias is afraid of Minions.

Nobody knows where Brett is!

Uh, wow. This is the worst.

Sorry, no, I... no.

I just meant that...
that this...

This is the worst.

You want to listen to a podcast?

Sure.

My phone got stolen
from my trailer.

I thought you were
going to say "no."

I love you!

I love you! Can you hear me?

I love you!

I love you!

I'm just doing a test.

I don't even really know how
I feel about it for sure.

I mean, it's complicated.

I'm Mateo!

Okay, man.

Okay, man. See you around!

So hot.

♪ Like me is going insane ♪

♪ Insane in the mainframe ♪

♪ ♪

Listen, uh...

I'm sorry I didn't know
who you were before.

I'm not super up on pop culture.

Don't worry about it.

Look at us.

An hour ago, I had no
idea who you were,

and now we're flirting.

Well, you should
probably get back

to straightening
around the registers.

What's funny?

You're being serious?

I'm sorry. Am I supposed to
say "Action" or something?

Look, I get that you're
still with Adam, and I...

Can we please not
talk about Adam?

Hey! Are we just, like,
not friends anymore?

Yes. Of course we're friends.
Nobody said we're not friends.

Friends don't sit in a car for
43 minutes in complete silence.

Friends have conversations.
They talk.

Okay, Jonah, let's talk.

We kissed, and now everything's
awkward and loaded,

and I don't how
to be around you.

Is that the conversation
you want to have?

Didn't think so.

It is my pleasure

to welcome you to Cloud 9!

What do you think?

Uh, try saying "We have your son.
$1 million or he dies."

We have your son.

$1 million or he dies!

That's tight.

How's it going with the ribbon?

Well, I'm six minutes
into this video

on how to tie a fancy bow,

and this guy's still
talking about his cat!

It's like, "We get it.
You're gay."

And these are the biggest
scissors I could find.

We can't cut a giant
ribbon with these!

Okay, we'll be ready
in about an hour.

An hour?

The opening is now.

Ooh, then you're going to
need to stall big-time.

Hey, guys.

Everybody excited
for the big day?

How's it looking inside?

Different.

No, no, no.

I want to show you
something over here.

- Over here?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Right here?
- Yeah.

Beautiful rug. Good for him.

It's my great pleasure to
welcome you to Cloud 9.

Thank you, Glenn.
That was beautiful.

Thank you very much.
Um, okay, hey, listen.

Let's cut that ribbon
and check it out!

But first, the comedic stylings of Mr.
Howie Mandel!

Uh...

This, uh, event was set up
by my, uh, appearance agent,

not my, uh, performance agent.

Performing is a whole...
different negotiation,

so, uh...

Thank you, everybody.

Then I guess... I guess
I'll keep talking.

6:31. 6:30. 6:29.

How is this helping?

How is you asking "how
it's helping" helping?

6:22. 6:21.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Ow. Ooh!

- You're gonna break the Minion.
- Don't break the Minion.

When you get to hour
two, minute twelve,

of "Pirates of the Caribbean,"

you can see one of the
pirates is wearing a watch.

That's a... that's a goof.

I can't hear you!

- Here you go. You stand still!
- Ow!

- This is the wrong arm.
- Just go.

Can... can you tell
other people's jokes?

No.

Can I?

I... I guess.

I don't know any.

Ah! I'm gonna fall.

Oh, oh, okay.

Get thirsty, amigos.

Welcome back, shoppers.

I'm sure you're all very excited

that we've reopened.

Or more likely, you
don't care at all,

'cause it's just a store.

Badabadbadaba.

"Badabadabadaba?" What...
Really?

I've never seen the movie. I
thought they spoke gibberish.

They speak a blend
of pidgin languages

mixed with gibberish, but

"badabadbadaba,"
that's almost racist.

Banana. Banana.

Beep-boop-bop-bop-boop.

I'm getting divorced.

Oh. Um...

We woke up the morning after
the tornado, and realized

just because we were happy
to see each other alive,

didn't mean that we
should stay married.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm... I'm here, you know,

if you ever want to talk, or...

Do you want to have sex?

Uh...

- I'm joking!
- Yeah, obviously,

you're joking. I knew you were...
I'm not...

- Are you blushing?
- Big-time, yeah.

Jeff.

Mateo. Hey.

How you been?

Good, thanks. Yeah,
I'm in a good place.

You know, I've been hitting
the gym pretty hard.

Doing a lot of Zuh-MBA.

Um, I just need to
ask you something.

Did you get a voice
mail, by chance?

Oh, sorry, one second. Uh,
ooh, I have to take this.

It's Chad.

- Your ex, Chad?
- Yes.

We got back together.
Hey, sweetie.

Mm, just real quick. It's
pronounced Zumba, okay?

And your toupee, it's garbage.

You look like a fry cook.

Okay, well, this is
going to be fun.

Now, do you want to room
with Timur or Jacob?

Timur's a sweetheart, but
he does have night terrors.

On the other hand,
Jacob is really quiet,

but in a scary way.

Sometimes you wake up and
he's just standing over you.

All right. You can stay with me.

Really? Are you... are you sure?

No, I'm definitely not sure,

but whatever.

Oh, okay.

Well, if anything changes,

the men's bathroom key also
works on my front door. So...

- Okay, roomie. Oh.
- House rules.

Do not touch my
video game stuff.

No talking during
"Game of Thrones."

No cooking fish.

And leave me out of your
coffee-making process.

I'll have to, because it's
a French single press.

I do not like fragrant soaps,

on Wednesday, my black
friends come over,

so do not be around.

What else? Parking spots.

You don't get one.