Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Election Day - full transcript

- Yes!
- No!

If we line up the
voters this way,

they'll be shuttled
towards the impulse buys.

There are going to be millions
of new customers in here,

and you're focused
on the chewing gum?

Why not funnel them
towards, I don't know,

the big-ticket stuff?

Get your head in the game.

Oh, my head is in the game.

I've been here since 4:00 a.m.

I've already had three meals.



It's not even 7:00.
That's too many meals.

It's 7:00. We should open.

Good idea. I'm on it.

Let the democratic
process begin.

No, I'm in charge.

I get to let the voters in.

Let the democratic
process begin.

- No, you messed it up.
- I know what the code is.

Yeah, but I already put in
the first three digits.

Okay, so what's clear?

That's enter. You
got to go back.

No!

Great. Three wrong codes,
so now we have to wait

five minutes before
we can try again.



Yeah. Thanks, Dina.

I'm sorry. It'll
be a few minutes.

Attention Cloud 9 shoppers,
Election Day is here,

and we're offering
up big discounts

on all American-made products.

So that's 40% off your
generic medications,

inferior electronics,
and cheese curls.

What is a comptroller?

Something to do with
computers, I think.

Really? Or do those two
words just sound the same?

- They sound the same.
- Yeah.

Doesn't mean it's
not true, though.

What is this?

"Official Cloud 9
Election Guide."

They're trying to tell
us who to vote for!

I don't know what you're
complaining about.

I love getting mail.

You don't think it's
a little misleading?

For State Senator:

"Jack Peterson supports
your right to work,"

which is basically just another
way of saying "anti-union."

Let's not use the U-word.

- While Gary 'Slick' Langham"...
- "Slick."

They're actually using the
nickname his opponent gave him.

Langham "has never gone on
record as being pro-America."

What's his problem?

Glenn, it just seems
really shady.

Are they even
allowed to do this?

Come on.

It's not like anyone around here
ever reads anything anyway.

- Yeah, we do!
- That's ridiculous.

Oh? What was the
emergency safety memo

I sent out last week about?

- Um...
- The...

See? Relax.

It'll be fine.

By the way, the answer was
the building got an F

in tornado preparedness.

The inspector says this
place is a house of cards.

Hey. I'm just reminding
everyone to vote.

We want a 100% employee turnout.

A lot of people died
so you could vote.

Also, a lot of horses died.

We always forget
about the horses.

Oh, I'm not 18 yet.

You know, it's funny. I can
drink, but I can't vote.

Well, I'll be definitely
getting my vote on.

Hey!

Okay, good.

Also, voting time is unpaid.

Nobody paid those horses to die.

Cheyenne, can you keep a secret?

Oh, my God. Not really, but go.

Okay.

A few months ago, I found out
that I'm actually undocumented.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know what that means.

It means that I'm
an illegal alien.

No, I'm... I'm human,

who happens to live in
the country illegally.

Oh. That's your secret?

I thought you were gonna tell me
about how you're dating Jeff.

Wait. You know about that?

Yeah, but don't worry.

I only told my baby,

and she's not gonna
tell anybody.

She doesn't have any friends.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

When Dina finds
out I can't vote,

she'll figure out what's
going on and fire me.

Oh, you can't just get one
of those "I voted" stickers

and say that you voted?

Oh. Yeah. Right.

Chey!

You are so much smarter
than what I tell people.

Aww, thank you.

So, do you love Jeff?

Shut up. I don't know. Maybe.

♪ Your mommy's all right ♪

♪ Your daddy's all right ♪

♪ They just seem
a little weird ♪

♪ Surrender, surrender ♪

Oh, gosh, Syd, I guess
if I was pressed,

I'd have to say

Buzz Aldrin, Bruce
Lee, or Murphy Brown.

Beep. Beep. Java truck
comin' through.

What're you doing?

American coffee for
these American heroes.

Actually, the beans
are from Rwanda,

but the water's from the good
ol' faucet in the men's room.

Well, as I'm sure Syd
here will tell you,

you can't give poll
workers gifts.

That's called bribery.

Oh, that's okay.

Actually, I usually have
a Danish with my coffee.

Oh.

- Yum.
- So do I. Yeah.

Fine, I guess I'll go
buy myself a Danish.

- Have a heavenly snack.
- Enjoy it.

Yeah.

Could you move?

Oh, hi, I'm Glenn.

I really want these poll
workers to love me.

I'm not the one
throwing myself at Syd

like some kind of
cigarette girl.

- Oh, please.
- Yeah, please... move!

- No, I'm sitting here.
- I'm putting this here.

No, well, put it somewhere else!

Find somewhere else for it go.
No, I'm putting it there.

Aah, it's hot!

What did you do?

I didn't do it! You did
it with your tushy!

Damn it. Distract them.

What?

♪

It's totally slanted.

They're just pushing
the pro-business,

anti-worker candidates.

What? A corporation doing
something unethical?

To protect its interests?

This is shocking!

All right. Maybe Glenn's right.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

Hey, Marcus?

Who did you vote for
for state senate?

Jack Peterson.

He's pro-freedom
and anti-bad guys,

and those are two things
I can get behind.

Hey, are we still on
for drinks tonight?

- Please stop asking us.
- No.

- We never were.
- Ah, cool.

Well, we'll figure it out later.

God, people will
believe anything

with the word "official" on it.

Do you know what we should do?

No, never mind. It's stupid.

No, I'm gonna say it.

We should make our own
pamphlet with the truth.

Ooh.

A rogue pamphlet?

You're crazy, lady.

I think that's a great idea,

and I have layout experience.

- I was the editor...
- Editor on your high school-

I already told you that story.
Forget it.

- I am in.
- Me too!

Couldn't be less interested.

Hey, should we invite
Sandra to drinks tonight?

Or is it just the core four?

You guys are busy.

Everyone's busy.

Could I just snag one
of these stickers?

Oh, these are just for
people who voted.

Are you voting?

I would, but I just don't
like any of the candidates.

Trump's all like...

And Hillary's all...

Anyway, enough politics.
I just need a sticker.

Well, I'm sure the
store sells stickers.

I'm not just trying
to collect stickers.

I'm a grown man.

Oh, my God... is
that James Brolin?

Who?

Barbra Streisand's husband?

Josh Brolin's dad?

Diane Lane's ex-father-in-law?
Am I crazy?

Sir, you know who James
Brolin is, right?

What's he running for?

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. That's
drying up real nice.

Did you write yourself
in for attorney general?

Could've been anyone.

Come on. Hurry up.

You know we got to get these
back before anyone notices.

You know what I just realized?

There's, like, 50 ballots here.

That could change the outcome
of a close election,

and Missouri's a swing state,

so we could be changing
the course of history.

- You think so?
- Sure. Think about it.

Right now, you and I could
be setting into effect

a chain of events
that could cause

the colonization of
Mars or World War III

and billions of innocent deaths.

You know, it's funny,
I try so hard to keep

God out of the workplace,
and yet, here I am,

in the workplace,

and I am God.

What are you doing?

We need to speed this up.

- No, turn it off!
- I'm trying!

Oh! Oh!

Come back!

♪

Well, the ballots
are clearly gone.

Okay. We're just gonna have to
face the music and tell Syd.

We tampered with an election. Do
you know how serious that is?

It was a goof-up!

We have to cover our tracks.

We've got to come
up with an alibi

for what we've been
doing all day.

Okay, uh...

We were in my office.

- And we were working.
- Too vague.

The more specific the lie,
the more believable it is.

Okay, we were in your office
because you were telling me

about the affair
you've been having

with your dental hygienist.

She likes when you
dance for her.

I do not want to be
having an affair!

- Do you want to go to jail?
- No!

Then you've been
dancing for Shelley!

- All right, fine!
- Okay.

I'll erase the
security cam footage.

You need to find a field at
least an hour's drive from here

and bury that ballot box,
and I mean bury it deep.

Then we can never, ever,
ever tell anyone...

Hey!

Not to put my head
in the lion's mouth,

but now I'm thinking
Times New Roman.

Times New Roman would
be a fine font, Jonah,

and so would Helvetica
and Garamond,

and really any font
would be just fine.

Not Wingdings.

No one was suggesting Wingdings.

Oh, you guys looking at porn?

What? No. We're
making the pamphlet.

Wow! And they said
it couldn't be done.

But lo and behold,
here you are doing it,

making a pamphlet!

I feel like he's mocking us.

Ooh, what about Palatino?

Oh, Palatino's nice, actually.

You watching porn?

- Yup.
- Mm.

Oh, I know that girl.

Guess who got a sticker.

Oh, my God, really?

I made it myself.

Yeah.

I appreciate it.

The thought, not the sticker,

because it's useless.

It's garbage. 'Kay?

♪ 'Cause we are living
in a material world ♪

♪ And I am a material girl ♪

♪ You know that we are living ♪

- Hey, girl.
- Hey.

- Bitching color, boo.
- I know, right?

Yeah, really brings out the
blueness of her veins.

Listen, I've been thinking
about it a lot lately,

and I have decided that you are
my best friend in the store.

- Me? Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, you're nice too.

Yeah, I am nice.

Anyway, I've been
thinking about it,

and I feel like we
should just have

a good old-fashioned
girlfriend gabfest.

Maybe you could tell me
if you've seen or heard

anything suspicious recently.

Mm. Suspicious?

Yeah, you know, like...
I don't know...

if you know of anybody
doing anything illegal.

Dish, girlfriend!

Mm. Um, no.

Really?

'Cause, you know, there's
nothing I hate more

than when my best
friends lie to me.

Okay, I have to go.

I have to pee really bad.

Excuse me.

You want me to come with?

That's what best
girlfriends do, right?

- Do you think she knows?
- It's hard to say.

She's either playing
dumb or just is.

Jack Peterson is
anti-union, anti-worker,

but Gary Langham wants
to raise minimum wage...

- And expand sick days.
- Paid sick days.

♪ This is how you
start a party ♪

♪ Start a party - ♪ Hey, hey

♪ This is how you
start a party ♪

♪ Start a party - ♪ Ow!

♪ This is how you
start a party ♪

♪ Start a party,
yeah - ♪ Hey, hey

I don't know about youse guys,

but I'm fed up with these
corporate fat cats.

Not all warehouse workers
are from 1950s Brooklyn.

You know what, I'm fed up with
these corporate fat cats too.

- I'll take one of those.
- Hey!

♪ Beaucoup bottles
on the counter ♪

♪ On the counter, yo - ♪ Hey

♪ This is how you
start a party ♪

- She's a good broad, huh?
- And you're a good guy, Jonah.

Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.

♪ We about to start the party ♪

♪ Start the party ♪

♪ Hey ♪

You really think Dina knows?

Maybe. She asked me a
lot of weird questions.

The stupid poll worker lady
is guarding those stickers

like it's her last
tub of Activia.

Oh, hey. Mateo, did you vote?

Oh, my God. Why is everyone
obsessed with voting today?

Oh.

So then, I took the S train

from the docks to my
mother's house in Flatbush.

Hey, youse a good kid,

respecting your
mother like that.

Yeah, but sometimes,
you got to say,

"Hey, Ma, I'm going
out with the fellas."

- Yeah.
- "I'll see you at church."

Oh, your guy's religious.

No, he goes to church

to respect his mother's
old-world values.

- Sure.
- Obviously.

That's the story.

You know, don't take
this the wrong way,

but I feel like you've become a lot
more fun since I've known you.

Thanks.

And if I may return
the compliment,

I think you've become
marginally less annoying.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't make me blush in
front of the fellas, huh?

Hey, Syd. Everything all right?

You were in there a while.

Yeah, it's okay.

We just wanted to make sure

there were enough poll
workers out there,

'cause, you know, we wouldn't
want any voter fraud to happen.

Even though, as I
keep telling him,

there's almost no voter
fraud in this country.

I mean, it's not worth
the penalty of, um...

$10,000 and five
years in prison.

Did you say "prison"?

- Or "prism"?
- Why would he say "prism"?

What's five years in prism?

Let him answer.

Prison.

- With an N or an M?
- Oh, my God.

- So then I rip up my note cards.
- No.

And say, "Fellow students,
forget these note cards."

Going rogue.

"I'm going to speak
from my heart."

Okay.

And then, from the back of the
auditorium, Renee yells...

No. Mm-mm.

"Those cards are blank!"

Oh! Renee is the worst.

I haven't even told you about
the Winter Ball story...

Surprise!

Oh, hey. Hi.

What are you... what
are you doing here?

You said you'd help me
pick out some towels.

Oh, hi. I'm Naomi.

Oh, Naomi, this is Amy.
She's my boss.

Amy, this is Naomi.
She... we're...

Oh, it's okay. We don't
have to label it yet.

It's nice to meet you.

You too. As well.

Yeah.

Naomi works the cheese booth

at the farmers
market by my house.

Yes, the cheese booth,
not the soap booth.

I forgot about that guy!

"Where's the soap booth?"

Yeah.

This guy sounds crazy.

So do you have time now?

Yeah, well... Amy, is
it cool if I help Naomi

pick out some stuff
for her apartment,

and then we'll do the
pamphlet stuff after?

Yeah. Of course that's cool.

Wow, a new apartment. A new man.

It's a good time
to be Naomi, hey?

Yeah. Thanks.

Okay. All right.

Oh, my God.

Rats gave birth in
the nacho cheese.

Cooked themselves to death.

Thank you.

♪ Downtown the young
ones are growing ♪

♪ We're the kids in America ♪

Hey, Marcus!

Hey... you've been
to prison, right?

Yeah. I mean, like, barely.

Long enough to form
lifelong friendships.

How do you think a guy
like me would do in there?

Baby face. Kind eyes.

Soft skin. Cute tummy.

You'd be very popular.

Oh. Well, that's good.

No, that's bad.

That's very bad.

Oh.

Let's say, hypothetically,

that two people accidentally
committed a crime.

There may have been a witness.

Okay, well, if it were me,

Ah... I guess I'd get my
partner to confess on tape.

That way, if it went south,

you could trade that in
for a reduced sentence.

That's what my mom did to me.

Huh.

Okay.

Thanks.

Hey, Marcus. You've
been to prison, right?

Oh-ho-ho. Look who's
in demand today.

It screams you, actually.

Yeah, that's a very "you" towel.
Okay, you can have that one.

No? All right.

Did you guys meet Naomi?

She's super cute.

Yeah, she's really
cute for Jonah.

Do you think they're serious?

Oh, yeah. They've had
sex, like, 11 times.

- Really?
- I don't know.

Why would I know that?

You okay, sweetie?
You seem stressed.

Oh. Oh.

My shoulders are so tight.

What are you doing?

I was trying to
feel your breasts.

Maybe he's drunk.

There's a lot of
drunk people here.

Attention, my fellow Americans.

I just noticed something on the
ballot about a "Supertrain."

I'm not sure what it is,

but it sounds more powerful
than a normal train.

Let's make this happen, people.

Vote Supertrain.

Testing.

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Yeah. Come on in.

I thought we should talk about

all the stuff that
went on today.

Yeah. Actually, I was
thinking the same thing.

It would be great to just
get on the same page.

So, Dina Fox.

What time is it?

4:17 on November
8th, 2016, right?

Yeah. Crazy day,
especially given

all the things you
did, Glenn Sturgis,

son of Arthur and
Marian Sturgis.

Hey.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
Naomi was coming in today.

No, it's... I mean,
it's totally fine.

I was just surprised.

I didn't even know you
were dating anyone.

Oh.

Is that something that I'm
supposed to inform you about or?

No! No, I don't care.

I was just making conversation.

Ah, so the new
shift starts soon.

Do you want me to just hand
these out as people clock in...

Oh, do you know what?

Actually, I got
someone else to help.

Hey, you're gonna vote
how I tell you to vote,

or I swear to God,

I'm gonna put a cricket
in your house,

and you'll never
know where it is,

and it'll drive you crazy.

Marcus?

Yeah. Well, you were
busy, and, you know,

I figured your shift
is over, so...

Yeah. Yeah, no. Cool. Um...

Okay, then, I'm gonna clock out.

- Yeah. See you tomorrow.
- Okay.

- We're gonna vote right now.
- Put me down! My bones!

Put me down!

He's such an idiot.

Okay. Don't ask
me any questions,

but I want to buy your sticker.

I can't tell you why.

Okay.

It's just, you know,
it's kind of a secret.

I absolutely do not care.

Excuse me.

- It's kind of a long story.
- Do not care.

Okay.

You know, that's funny, because
I distinctly remembered

you destroying the
ballots, Glenn Sturgis.

Well, that's really funny,
because how could I have?

I was in my office
all day long...

having an affair with my
dental hygienist, Shelley.

Excuse me.

Just wanted to let
you know I voted.

We're having a
casual conversation!

- Get out!
- Okay.

District 35, where
we are projecting

pro-labor candidate Gary
Langham will prevail.

Yes! Yes!

We did it! We got
Langham elected!

Ames! Did you see?

- Yes!
- We did it!

I know! It's amazing!

Oh, it's such a rush. Thank
you for involving me.

No, thank you! We
made a good team.

- We did, didn't we?
- Yeah, we did.

Ew, no. Marcus, what the hell?

What? I thought this was, like,

a flirty thing we were doing.

- No.
- I'm so sorry. Wow.

I totally misread that. Ugh.

I mean, it's okay. I just...
I was just startled.

I was just a little... Marcus!

You just said it's okay.

- Hey, Dorothy.
- Uh-huh?

We're missing 53 ballots.

Really?

Jeez, that's way
down from last time.

- Just tell me what you did.
- No, you tell me what you did!

Fine.

I, Glenn Sturgis,
deliberately destroyed...

No, I'm Glenn!

- 50 United States ballots.
- Stop making me say that!

And then I covered it up, which
is dumb, because I'm dumb.

I'm Dina Fox! Dina Fox!

Also, I have a tiny penis,
and my wife hates my guts!

And I destroyed the ballots
'cause I'm a big, stupid meanie!