Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Guns, Pills and Birds - full transcript

Gabby is in soft lines,

Elias, grocery,

Jonah, you're at
the gun counter.

Oh, uh... oh.

Can I switch with somebody?

I just... I don't
really believe in guns.

I mean, I'm just...

kind of against selling them

or buying them

or owning them.

- You don't have a gun?
- No, what do I need a gun for?



Home security. Hunting.

I mean, without guns,

how are you gonna properly
start a drag race?

Vaya con dios, amigos.

Without a gun, I do not know

how I would stop that raccoon

from trying to impregnate my
Winnie the Pooh lawn ornament.

Okay, look, I'm not...

I'm not, like, against
weapons as a whole.

I fenced in college,
but there's...

- Okay.
- What?

- What are you doing?
- Oh, I'm keeping a list

of all the crazy
white-person stuff you say.

Oh, fencing, that's
definitely going on there.



- What else is on there.
- Oh, it's long.

I got wearing boat
shoes, BBC America,

makes his own trail mix...

- You love my trail mix.
- All right, okay.

It's fine. Jonah, you
can trade with...

Wait, wait, wait.

We can just say no to
a shift assignment?

Because I would rather not
be in the fitting rooms.

They're basically
just fart capsules.

Can I not be in menswear?

Everything there reminds me
of my ex-boyfriend, Brian.

No, guys, what Jonah is
asking for is different.

He has a moral
objection to guns.

I'd be in the same position
if the store asked us

to start selling,
you know, hashish

or the morning-after pill.

We sell the morning-after pill.

What?

I don't wanna sell rice anymore.

It doesn't taste like anything.

And Oriental...

All right, all right, all right.

Okay.

No changing shift assignments.

Okay, I get that we don't like
selling guns or pills or rice,

but we sell all those
things in the store.

End of story. Jonah,
you stay on guns.

Okay, fine, but I want
my objection noted.

Oh, that whole phrase
is going on the list.

♪ ♪

Oh, so I get put on
Instruments of Death duty

and you get picking up pizzas.

Adam's taking Emma on a
Girl Scouts camping trip,

and I have the whole
weekend to myself.

And you know what? There
is nothing cooler

than spending two
days at home alone

with 12 French bread pizzas.

I'm not gonna eat all of them...

- Okay, good.
- But what if I burn one, Jonah?

Or what if there's a
manufacturer's cheese error?

Does that happen?

I've worked two doubles
in a row this week.

- I need my pizzas to be perfect.
- I get it.

Just me, the couch, some
Cloud 9 brand wine...

A Neuage Neuf
classique, of course.

And some amazing movies.

Oh, there's a Danish
drama on Netflix that...

Wrong answer.

I'm thinking mid-'90s Rom-come,

like Freddie Prinze Jr.
Takes the nerd to the prom

because underneath
those glasses,

she's really beautiful, Jonah.

She's beautiful.

It sounds like you got the
whole thing figured out,

and you deserve it, so
you go off and have fun.

But I'm just gonna
throw this out there,

Garrett and I are gonna watch
some basketball later...

You want to be alone.

- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
- Got it. Have fun.

I'm free.

Oh.

Cool.

Attention, shoppers,
there's a 40% off sale

in our exercise gear section,

which will be closing next
week due to lack of interest.

Over in patio furniture,
we're gonna have... ahh!

Ahh!

Uh...

my bad, y'all.

That reaction was very
out of character for me.

I'm normally a very cool guy.

I have a lot of cool sneakers
and a very active sex life.

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey!

Um, I'd like that 9-millimeter

and a box of bullets, please.

Yes, got it. You wanted
the 9-millimeter.

And a box of bullets.

Coming right up.

I'm gonna go ahead and
grab that for you.

Just gonna grab it from...

right... That's the one.

Yeah, this is... yeah, no, I...

It's coming... ooh, wow.

Ooh, that's... that's heavy.

This feels like...

like an 11-millimeter,
am I right?

The bullets, yep.

Uh...

just the 9-millimeter...

Ahh! Gun! Gun, gun,
gun, gun, gun!

Gun, gun, gun!

All clear.

All clear.

Hey, uh, Tate,

is it true we sell the
morning-after pill?

We definitely have the
morning-after pill.

Yeah, right over there.

Oh. Wow.

- So prominent.
- Yeah.

Listen, Tate,

I would never ask you
to sell something

that you were not
comfortable with,

so if you wanna remove
them from the pharmacy,

I will support you.

Are you kidding?

I love the morning-after pill.

I have to keep a couple boxes
at timeshare in Tampa.

- Tampa?
- Oh, yeah.

Women love it there.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a sick place.

It's only, like, 12
miles from the beach.

Okay, but between us,

could you just find a reason

to take them off the shelf?

You know, um...

maybe say that they're,
like, expired?

That would be a lie.

Tate, do you believe in God?

- Yeah, I think there's a god.
- Yeah?

But I think he lives in nature.

You know, the rocks and
trees and crap like that.

Honestly, I think God
could be a frog.

Oh, brother.

So what are we talking?

Rook? Western jackdaw?
Thick-billed?

I don't know. It was a crow.

Who cares what kind?

Um, we care.

Because it we're gonna kill it...
We're not gonna kill it.

We're gonna get it out
of the store safely.

Right. Obviously.
Priority one is safety.

Forget safety... I say
we pull the fire alarm,

clear out the store,
turn up the heat,

make the whole place a
oven, problem solved.

Whoa, easy, that's
a little violent.

Yeah, psycho, why would
anyone want to hurt a bird?

Okay, A: 'cause they're
dirty flying dinosaurs.

And B: You don't need
any other reasons.

No one is hurting the crow.

They are amazing creatures
that recognize human face

and they throw each
other funerals.

Funerals.

Why would you give
me that information?

That doesn't calm me down!

♪ ♪

Excuse me, sir.

Um...

are... are you talking to me?

Oh, yeah. You.

We would to buy one
rifle, please.

Just the one rifle,
please and thank you.

What... what are you
gonna hunt for?

Uh, liars.

Elk. Hunting elk.

Um...

if you could excuse
me for one moment.

I'm just gonna sit in
front of my television,

and I'm gonna eat and
drink whatever I want.

Mm-hmm, okay, well,
what you're describing

is every single day of my life.

- Really?
- Uh, hey.

So there is someone over
there that I really,

really don't think should
be allowed to own a gun,

Um... or a car or a fork.

What do I do?

Well, I mean, you're allowed
to deny him service

but only if you think
he's actually dangerous.

Okay, good.

How do I know that he's
actually dangerous?

Yeah, maybe no gun for him.

- Hey.
- HI.

Can I take a look at
that bolt action rifle?

Yes, you may.

All right, uh...

Oh, hey, this one is expensive.

It is.

But I really want to
treat myself today.

- Yeah.
- I just got laid off.

Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Yeah, I'm pretty upset about it.

How upset are you?

Well, extremely.

I worked there over 20 years,

and then they just get rid
of me like I'm trash?

Well, they're gonna regret it.

Service denied. Service denied.

Excuse me?

You just said you're upset

and they were gonna
regret it, so nope.

'Cause I'm the only one

who understands the
payroll software.

I mean, who's gonna do it now?
Monica?

Look, I'm sorry I'm
being overly cautious,

but you know what?

Why don't we try and find you

a better hobby than
this, you know?

Have you ever
considered fencing?

No.

Fencing sucks.

No, it doesn't.

All right, in order
for this to work,

it is critical that
we run at the crow

at exactly the same speed,
8 miles per hour, got it?

Yes, ma'am.

All right.

Actually, I don't know
how fast that is.

Sorry, sometimes I
forget you're Asian.

13 kilometers per hour.

I still don't...

It's 240 steps a minute.

That doesn't mean
anything to me.

Well, I don't know how
to make it any clearer.

You're just saying just
run pretty fast, right?

"Pretty fast" is
a relative term.

What's your resting heart rate?

I have no idea.

God, we're gonna have
to figure it out now.

Okay, take your pulse
for ten seconds.

You're gonna multiply
that number by six.

Dude, you know the
bird flew away,

like, a while ago, right?

Thanks.

So just the morning-after pill?

That would have been my guess.

My man. All right.

Okeydokey.

So a couple things you need
to know about this bad boy.

Hey, Tate.

You want to see some
pictures of my kids?

No. Gross.

I hate kids.

Wait till you see
how cute they are.

Children are such a gift.

Oh.

How do I call up these pictures?

All right, just give me a sec.

"Viewing photos.

Go to the home screen by
tapping Menu button."

I'm sorry. We really
need to get going.

Of course.

Glenn, would you
just cut it out?

Let them buy the damn pill.

Would you mind very much

if I just cut in front of you?

I am in a huge rush.

- Huge!
- I guess.

Thank you.

All right.

Yeah, hi, I'd like to buy

all of your morning-after
pills, please.

Big weekend.

Gonna get all liquored
up and promiscuous.

I'm happy to try to clean
it up, but the problem is,

if I even think about vom...

Oh.

Okay, okay.

Okay. I got it.

I'll clean it up.

Oh, god.

Three more hours.

Three more hours.
Three more hours.

Oh, hey, babe, what's up?

Hey, please don't be mad,

but Frank just got
last-minute tickets

to the entrepreneurs
conference this weekend,

and I know I said I would
take Emma camping, but...

Yeah, that should do it.

All right, just dump
that in the cart there.

Okay, that should draw her out.

How do you know it's a woman?

I'm glad you asked, Mateo.

Birds don't have genitalia
as we're familiar with.

They have internal
penises called cloacas.

Okay.

And when they become
very engorged...

Look, I'm gonna give
it to you straight.

This is bad.

You know I'm just gonna
order more of these, right?

And I'll be standing right here,

Cloud 9 credit union
card in hand.

Okay.

Well, that comes to

$1,127 and 54 cents.

What?

That much?

Yeah.

Well, each pill
is over 40 bucks.

I'd explain why, but

your brain couldn't
handle the science.

No, no, I can't afford that.

I mean, well, with car payments

and mortgage and
groceries for 13,

we're barely getting by.

Mm.

I'm gonna have to return these.

Mm.

No, you can't return pills.

- What?
- Yeah.

That's illegal.

You could have
tampered with them.

But you know I didn't.

I was here the whole time.

Were you?

I know I said I could
take Emma on the trip.

Yes, you did.

- Excuse me.
- Just one second.

Adam, I was really looking
forward to this weekend.

I was gonna wear sweatpants
and slippers and no bra.

Can you take a
couple steps back?

I promise, I will
make it up to you,

but could you please
just let this one go?

Just this one time?

Just this one time.

Fine.

Okay.

Look, I gotta go.

How can I help you, sir?

I have a complaint about
one of your salesmen.

But you said I have the right

to refuse service
to anybody I want.

Yes, technically you
have the right,

but you need to use
some common sense.

If I was using common sense,

I would take all of these guns
and throw them out the door.

You know what I mean.

Look, I told you I
wasn't comfortable

working the gun counter.

Yeah, and I told you
that you have to.

Ugh, god forbid you
let something go

for once in your life.

Why do I have to let it go?

Why don't you let it go, Jonah?

It's not my job to make

every man in the
world's life easier.

I'm not moving you.

Well, I'm not changing
what I'm doing.

Ugh!

Why is everybody being
such a jerk today?

- I think the bird...
- Yeah.

I know.

I just feel so bad

about letting my
moral priorities

interfere with your
buying choices,

especially because
for all I know,

you might not even be
planning on using the pill.

You know, maybe
you're gonna use them

as plates in a doll's house

or drop 'em in a Diet Coke
to see if they fizz up.

No, we had unprotected
sex last night.

Okay, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

What I don't know can't hurt me

or send me to hell.

Just kidding.

Um, so do you have cash?

I'm sorry; I just have
way too many concerns

about your level of anger.

This is discrimination.

I'm gonna call the
NRA about this.

Okay, well, you know,

that you're getting so angry
is only proving my point.

What is going on?

Here's what's going on.

This entire place
is a dictatorship,

and it's being ruled
over by Emperor Amy.

Oh, god, can you guys
just act like adults

and have an affair or something?

What? No, shh!

Listen.

If Amy wants me to
run the gun counter,

then Amy needs to understand

that I get to decide
who gets the guns.

And I'm gonna make
those decisions fairly

and with due diligence.

I'm sorry. I just
don't trust redheads.

Too fiery.

Congratulations on
being sexually active.

I'm sorry?

Okay, I know I probably
can't talk you

out of buying
contraception, right?

I mean, that's just
not gonna happen.

I didn't ask for any assistance.

So if it's gonna
happen no matter what,

these are $50 each.

Okay, now, I'm not looking
to make a profit.

That's the price I paid

plus a small donation to
the pro-life coalition.

You know? And...

We're all gonna die in here!

Whoa, whoa!

Okay, everybody calm down.

It's just an open carry protest.

Gun owners are just exercising
their second amendment rights.

It's all perfectly legal.

Okay, but let's not let
this little gun thing

overshadow the real problem,
which is the crows.

They are equally as dangerous.

Why are they here?

Well, apparently Jonah
was denying service

to everybody who wanted
to buy a gun, so...

Oh, what a D bag.

I shouldn't have been there
in the first place, okay?

Technically, this
is Amy's fault.

What?

Amy, can you just move Jonah?

No, he doesn't get to win.

Ugh. Why are you
being like this?

"Like this." What
is "like this"?

I'm doing my job.

Oh, my god, just bang already.

That's what I been saying.

Gross.

- Eww.
- Okay, okay.

We're all feeling emotional,

but we're gonna get through
this safely together.

And then we can go home
to our loved ones.

Oh, and if you're planning on

having sex with them
tonight, come see me.

All right, meeting dismissed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up.

What about this crow
emergency, y'all?

Hold up.

Hey, guys, we gotta
do something.

They got the same brain-to-body
ratio as humans.

A group of 'em's
called a murder!

Judy!

Judy!

Attention, shoppers.

Attention.

I need everyone in the store
to be completely silent

as I will be making some noises

that replicate the calls of
the crows' natural enemies.

This will drive them
out of the store.

Thank you.

Koo-wik

ka!

Whip-poor-will, will, will,
will, will, will, will.

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Oh!

Oh, !

There's a crow

in the mother tent!

You, crow!!

♪ ♪

Today is a great day for
the second amendment.

All: Yeah!

I'm proud to see so many
of us came out here

to protest the
despicable actions

of that short-haired
lady over there

who infringed on
our rights today.

She can't take us
away from our guns.

All: Yeah!

Okay, all right, all right.

First of all, I'm a
man, but thank you.

Second of all, what about my
first amendment right, huh?

The right to an opinion.

I can say whatever
I want to say.

Well, I don't gotta
listen to it.

Blah-bitty blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Will everybody
please just shut up!

You sound like children.

Okay?

Look.

We can't all... We
can't hear you.

- We can't all...
- Get up high.

Look.

We can't all just
do whatever we want

whenever we want to.

You don't want to sell
guns, it's your job.

Be a grown-up.

And you!

Someone pisses you off

so you have to flash a
rifle to prove a point?

Come on, man.

Just be a grown-up.

Look. I wanted to spend
the weekend eating pizza

and watching Freddie Prinze Jr.

Isn't he dead?

What?

I don't think so.

No, I'm, like, 70%
sure he's alive.

Okay, that's beside the point.

The point is that I
don't get to do that

because my husband got
tickets to a conference.

But I'm an adult.

So you don't see me
throwing a fit about it.

Isn't that kind of
what you're doing now?

Okay, while we're
talking about stuff,

sexuality and morality:

Two alaties with...

Watch it!

Hold your fire!

Nobody hurt the bird!

♪

You all right.

I'm sorry your
weekend got ruined.

It's fine.

These things happen.

You know, I'm gonna
just go ahead

and work the gun counter.

You were right. I was...
I was being a jerk.

Really?

Wow.

Thank you, Jonah.

No problem.

Wait a second.

Are you agreeing with
me because I'm right

or because you
feel sorry for me?

Because you're right.

Why would I feel sorry

for such a strong,
fierce woman, you know?

Get it, girl.

You feel sorry for me.

I... no. I don't.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't
need anybody's pity.

Don't work the gun counter.

No, it's fine. I'm
working the gun counter.

I just said you're not
work the gun counter.

But I'm putting me on guns.

- Here I go.
- No, I'm stopping you.

Well, you can't stop me, so...

Yes, I can stop you.

I just gave you an order,
and I'm your supervisor.

You're not... I
refuse your order.

- Yes, I am your supervisor.
- What are you...

He calls shrimps "prawns."

Spent his Sunday walking
to a farmers' market.

He's been to, like, all
the renaissance fairs.

Referred to the day
he ate a hamburger

as a cheat day.

Gotcha!

Stop it.

- Okay. Whew!
- Okay, okay.

Take care of this, will you?

- Want me to take care of it?
- Yeah.

All right.

See, I told you we
could get the bird

out of the store safely.

Well, I gotta say, I was wrong.

No reason to hurt
that little thing.

They're smart animals.
They deserve kindness.

And you treated it humanely.

And I gotta respect that.

Well, I just treat them how
I would want to be treated.

You know?

All right, let's go release
this little sweetheart.

But... Dina, I have
something to tell you!

Hello, ma'am.

You look sexual; Could I...

Sir, do you have
unprotected sex?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Bag of blood.

It's a bag of blood!

Oh, you monster.