Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - Mateo's Last Day - full transcript
_
♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Oh ♪
I don't get it. Is he
transferring or dying?
Yeah, Glenn, this is terrible.
Oh, I didn't make it. Mateo did.
That makes sense.
Shh! Pay attention.
What am I gonna miss the most?
Uh, the people?
They're salt of the Earth.
Simple, basic. Just
sort of harmless.
Am I scared?
Of course I'm scared.
Wait, so, um, who's asking
you these questions?
Uh...
♪
Whoa.
- That is not your chest.
- Yes it is.
Then take off your shirt.
I had a big breakfast.
My advice?
I guess it would be leaving
every place you work at
a little bit better
than when you found it.
Did I do that here? Who can say?
Yes.
I think I did.
Well, that was a
massive waste of time.
Okay, moving on.
We have not had a tornado drill
in eight years, so
we really should...
I started this journey
as a small child in
the Philippines...
So the tub faucet
is now working,
but the drain is clogged with...
I'm gonna say fur, not hair.
Oh, hold on just one
second, please.
Guys, corporate is coming down
on employee fraternization
due to a recent incident.
The incident of you having
gay sex with Mateo?
I'm not at liberty to say.
And we actually
just call it sex.
Uh, but the point
is, since you two
have been recently intimate...
Wait, does this mean
we gotta transfer too?
Oh, no, no way. I am
just getting used to
the wet horse smell coming
out of Elias's locker.
Uh, no. Mateo only
needs to transfer
because I'm at a district level.
Sorry, that sounded
like I was bragging.
- No it didn't.
- Okay, the point is,
I just need you guys to fill out
these disclosure forms for me.
Thank you. Hi, sorry about that.
So the phone in my
hotel room, yes.
Sometimes when I'm on it, I
hear somebody breathing.
This is where you'll be working?
It looks so different.
It's a Cloud 9 Signature.
They have a beauty concierge,
their produce is all organic,
and their cafe has never
given anyone diarrhea.
- That is impressive.
- How did you get
all these pictures of the store?
- It's on Yelp.
- Ohh, yeah.
It's a website where
people post reviews.
Wait, do you think our
store has a Yelf?
I'm sure we do.
Ah, well, it's
amazing how quickly
you all made this about you.
- Voila!
- Oh, my God!
Look at that!
We're famous! 168 reviews.
"Store's okay. I
usually stop there
because it's on my way home."
We're on his way home.
Uh...
Wait, stop!
"Cloud 9, more like Cloud 1,
as in the one star I'm giving
because I can't give zero."
Ha! He's a good writer.
Glen, just ignore this.
That guy's a troll.
No, uh, no.
Uh, he's a full-sized
human being,
non-mythical who writes mean
things on the Internet.
- What?
- Yeah, 99% of the Internet
is just people tearing
other people down.
It's actually why
I am considering
- leaving social media.
- Just do it, already.
Ugh, you don't get points
for talking about it.
My friend Corona sells
her pee on the Internet.
Hey, what'd you put for
nature of relationship?
They only have "spouse," "family
member," and "romantic."
Yeah, I just marked
romantic, basically because
it was the closest to
where my pen already was.
Okay, look. There
is nothing romantic
about this relationship.
I have been very
clear about that.
Yeah, I agree with you. But
we're not family members
and we're definitely
not married, so...
I'm calling Corporate.
You've called Corporate so much
that you have memorized
their number?
You're gonna need to talk first.
Ask for extension 224.
If the operator hears my voice,
she won't put me through.
Yeah, extension 224, please.
Oh.
Ha! I got through!
You know, I feel kinda
bad that I got promoted
and you guys didn't.
Oh, is getting transferred
because you're sleeping with
Jeff considered a promotion?
He's so jealous.
I know.
- Hey, there you are.
- Hey.
Got your transfer
paperwork right here.
So just go ahead
and fill that out
and get it turned in to me
with your Social Security card
- and we're good to go.
- Cool.
Um, I-I can actually just
give you the number.
Uh, no, they actually need
to see the card these days.
They gotta run it
through E-Verify.
- Is that gonna be a problem?
- No, no, no.
No, I just didn't realize this
store was like Nazi Germany.
Ve must see your documents.
Heil Hitler, Mein Fuhrer.
- Social Security card.
- Great, no problem.
No... no problem.
Do undocumented people
have documents?
No. No, we don't.
Oh.
So, like, won't
that be an issue?
Yes!
So... that's it.
Corporate's gonna find out
that my documents are fake.
I'm gonna get deported.
And Jeff is gonna get back
together with his ex.
Oh, congratulations, Chad.
You win.
You know what? Maybe you
should try talking to Jeff.
Maybe he could...
he could, like,
fudge the paperwork
or something.
- Mm.
- Great idea.
"Hey Jeff, you know how
"you're barely even
allowed to date me?
Well, surprise, turns out you're
also illegally employing me."
And I'd marry you if I could.
But I'm supposed to marry Bo
and he already bought a tie.
That's okay. Thanks anyway.
You know what?
Screw it. I'll do it.
I'll marry you.
Ew.
I don't understand the problem.
The problem, Maureen,
is you have boxes
for eight different types
of "Pacific Islander,"
but only three for what
this relationship is.
Well, it's just for the files.
It doesn't matter.
Just check the box
and let's move on
with our lives.
Fine. Whatever.
This doesn't mean
that you're in love.
It's just saying that
you're in a relationship
that entails some level of
mutual attraction and closeness.
Maureen, we're gonna need to
speak to your supervisor.
Sometimes people ask me,
"Hey, how'd you get
those light bulbs way up there?"
And the answer is: I don't know.
Oh, hey, Amy. This is Amy.
She's our intrepid
floor supervisor.
Amy, this is him.
Frenchfryguy81.
Tim.
The troll who wrote
the Yelp review.
Oh, oh. No, I wouldn't
call him that.
But... so, you invited him back?
Yeah, I mean, I couldn't
rest knowing there was
an unhappy customer out there
who thinks that this place is,
you know, quote "a bleep show."
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was probably having
a pretty bad day
- when I wrote that review.
- Oh, we all come down
with a case of the
crabs sometimes.
That's an interesting
choice of words.
Yeah, anyway, I'm giving
him the VIP tour.
Come on, I'll show you the
giant trash compactor.
- Oh, that is the VIP tour.
- Yeah.
- Have fun.
- What else have you written?
Uh, I once wrote a review of the
Burger King down on Delmar.
Oh, I would love to read that.
So is the fear you'd be
committing some kind of fraud?
No, Robbie, Robbie. You're
not listening to us.
Let me break this
down for everyone.
This is strictly sex.
No one stays over
and we keep an even tally
in terms of orgasms.
Actually, now that
I think about it,
- I owe you a... yeah.
- I am well aware.
This is T.J. from Legal.
I've only been on the
call the last 36 minutes,
but I still think that the
totality of the circumstances
points to a romantic
relationship.
- Come on.
- Mm, dude, no, man.
In a relationship, you know
things about the other person.
I don't know anything about
Dina, nor do I care to.
The feeling's mutual.
Where did I grow up?
I don't know. Is my
father dead or alive?
What is, "Don't care, Alex?"
Guys, it's just a box.
Actually, sorry to be a
fly in the ointment,
but if there are absolutely no
feelings of intimacy involved,
it could make things a
little grayer, legally.
- Yes, that's our point.
- Thank you.
Well thank God we looped in T.J.
Hey, Glenn.
We found a muddy
tire in Softlines.
Nobody knows how it got
there and we don't know
- what to do with it.
- Yeah, okay, glad to hear.
- Glenn.
- Hm?
Oh, sorry, I'm just responding
to all these old reviews.
- Oh...
- Like, in 2006,
this lady found a pool
of vomit in Electronics.
"Dear Verna301,
we have cleaned up the vomit."
We have cleaned up
the vomit, right?
Yeah. I believe so.
Wha...
Frenchfryguy81
updated his review!
"So the manager invited
me back to the store
and tried to brainwash me with
an hour-long propaganda tour."
"Pathetic man."
"Muppet voice."
Why would anyone write this?
Because he likes complaining.
Don't engage. You won't win.
Well, you can die trying.
♪ Whispers at the bus stop ♪
♪ Well, I've heard about ♪
♪ Nights out in
the school yard ♪
♪ I found out about you ♪
So we've got Robbie, T.J.
from Legal,
Delores from Compliance,
Mark from Operations,
and the whole team in
Associate Relations.
Is everyone up to speed?
- Got it.
- Yep.
Sorry if I cut out.
I'm on a cruise ship.
I think what we're
coming to here
- is adding a fourth box.
- Yes!
Yeah, that's all we're asking.
Back on track.
Okay, so what do
we label the box?
Um...
Oh, uh...
Like, uh, "Friends
with Benefits"?
Oh. I wouldn't say
we're friends.
Hmm, oh, so maybe more like a...
and apologies, Maureen... but
like "A Hate Effing Thing"?
Again, sorry, Maureen.
That's okay, T.J.
- I'm a grown-up.
- Yeah, you know what?
The thing is that I
don't hate Dina.
Eh, I'm just more ambivalent.
- Yeah, almost like an apathy.
- Maybe an apathy.
Yeah, I could go with apathy.
Sorry, that's me. We're
just pulling into port.
So you're not a refugee.
You're not a special
agricultural worker.
Any interest in
joining the military?
Hm...
I don't trust myself
with a weapon.
I would like killing too much.
Oh, or you could
just get beat up.
"Person may be eligible
for a special U.N. visa
"if they are a victim
of a violent crime,
such as an assault."
That's crazy.
I can't believe that's real.
So I would just need
to get punched.
No, it seems like you'd have to
get your ass beat pretty bad.
Or, if you don't wanna
get your ass beat,
I'm still willing to marry you.
Oh, thank you, Jonah.
When you put it like that...
the ass beating
doesn't sound so bad.
Mm-mm.
Hey, look at us.
Two regular Joes,
enjoying some good old FFs, huh?
Yeah. Thanks.
You really didn't
have to do this.
Well, I wanted to talk to you,
not just as a store manager.
You know, I'm also
a human being.
Here.
Stupid.
You get the...
Do you need... do
you need a hand?
Hm?
No, no, no. It... it's symbolic.
Look, I regretted that review
as soon as I wrote it.
You were so nice before.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
"So now this idiot drags
me back a second time
to force feed me French
fries and do a strip show"?
I used to be a people person.
When I was at the
hardware store,
I could cheer up any
unhappy customer
with, like, a smile
or a few words.
Or sometimes I'd slam my finger
in the cash register as a joke.
Ah, look, Glenn, you're
still a people person.
I wish the Internet had
never been invented.
Although then Jerusha
wouldn't be able
to buy her Chinese cigarettes.
♪
What the hell?
Why did you do that?
'Cause I felt like it.
What are you gonna do about it?
All right.
I'm writing up a 32-50 on you.
And that's going in
your file for life.
Your mom's a whore.
I can't hear you.
What did you say?
Your mom is a whore!
Okay, I'll get on that next.
Hey, Brett. I'm mad
at you, let's fight.
Ah! What? Put that
away, you psycho!
Oh, my God!
Jesus.
Oh, hello, Frenchfryguy81.
- What are you doing here?
- We need to talk.
- Now's not a good time.
- Why?
Are you busy spewing hateful
things about good people
from the comfort of your own...
Home?
Uh...
Um...
Timmy. Tim.
I need you to restart the
"Quantum Leap" video.
Mom, I'll take care
of you in a minute.
Oh, um, I... so...
What about "Sexual Co-workers"?
- Awful.
- Just say you don't care.
- What about "Friends with..."
- Say "Friends with Benefits"
one more time and
see what happens.
I was gonna say "Friends
with" something else.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
What were you gonna say?
- "Benefits."
- Yeah.
Pathetic.
My friends and I would say that
you guys are just chilling.
Wait, full-on sex is now
considered just chilling?
Uh-huh, and mouth
stuff is hanging out,
and hand stuff is pretty much,
I like you but just as a friend.
Hm. Wow, times have changed.
Yeah.
Sorry, this will just
be a couple of minutes.
- Come on!
- No, I'm not gonna beat you up.
Oh, so you'd just rather I get
kicked out of the country?
I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend.
That's why I offered
to marry you.
For the last time, I will
not marry you, Jonah!
I-I don't wanna marry him.
I just think that he
should wanna marry me.
Never mind. Keep shopping.
Look, I know you don't
want to hurt me,
but not doing this
is hurting me.
So...
if you're really my friend,
please, beat the hell out of me.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's rumble.
Oh.
Why are you
stretching your legs?
That's where the
power comes from.
Okay. How do you
want to do this?
Uh, I don't know.
I'm not really
much of a fighter.
I guess just start with
a punch in the face?
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Uh, uh...
Maybe... maybe close your eyes.
Yeah, just... yeah, okay, cool.
Uh, on second thought,
open your eyes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Open?
Okay.
Here it comes.
Here we go.
No, see, now you're
just staring at me
and... and that's weird.
Oh, come on.
Uh, don't think of
it as a hate crime.
Well, I wasn't.
But now I am.
You could just
stomp on his head.
Yeah, how about I just do this?
What if I just kind
of go like this?
And you just sort
of walk into it.
Maybe this is better? Yeah.
- Come on, just hit me.
- I'm trying, okay?
- Say something mean.
- Like what?
Um, I don't know.
Oh, say something
mean about Beyoncé.
I'd rather be deported.
Mateo, it's not that easy
to just punch somebody
that you're not fighting with.
Fine. Then let's fight.
- Well...
- Come on.
- Okay, but I...
- Hit me, wuss.
- Well, I-I... we already...
- Come on, hit me.
Well, I... this
is not necessary.
- Hit me.
- I'd like... I'd like to hit you.
Hit me.
- No... Mateo, my point...
- Hit me!
- Ow!
- Oh!
All right!
Now you go.
♪
I could tell he hit you hard
because it's the only time
I've ever seen your hair move.
I thought it was gonna
be one of those
straight guy things where I
hit you and you hit me back.
Why isn't pacifism a
straight guy thing?
I don't know. It just isn't.
So... what are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
Just... just talk to Jeff.
He cares about you. You'll...
you'll work it out.
Yeah, maybe.
I'm sorry I didn't
come through for you.
Yeah, you really blew it.
All right, we have
been talking and...
We'd like a fourth box
added, labeled as "Other."
That's it? "Other"?
We're very excited about
"Other," Maureen.
Okay, fine. "Other" it is.
- Legal signs off.
- Sounds good.
I missed the Captain's
dinner for this.
All right.
- "Other."
- Hey, I'm happy with it.
- Boom.
- Did it!
- Hey, good job.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm gonna just go dock your pay,
'cause you should have been
working all this time.
Slacker.
You got bird seed in your hair.
Shut up.
Did you give her the cookies?
I gave them to her.
You don't have to eat those.
Well, I can't because
they're dominoes.
Look, I haven't
worked in six months.
GameStop said they
were cutting back,
but then I went in there, and
they hired four new girls.
So then I get on the computer,
where I'm the guy who
can win for a change.
Oh, forget it. I'm not
explaining it right.
No, no. I get it.
I mean, it's not like
my life is so terrific.
I have tons of debt. My
marriage is struggling.
And it all feels like
it's never gonna change.
Wow.
Your life sounds as bad as mine.
- Uh-huh.
- Timmy, one of the rabbits
is eating the other one.
I'll get around to it, Ma!
♪
You know, it feels like ages
since I've just sat and
talked to somebody like this.
Yeah. This is... this is nice.
Friends?
Friends.
"And then this psycho stalker
doesn't eat the cookies
my mom offered her."
You wouldn't eat the cookies?
Well, they were dominoes.
The point is, he was as mean
to me as he was to you.
Oh, no, he's way meaner to you.
He says you're a munchkin.
Glad to see you're
feeling better.
He calls you "Lamey Amy."
Oh, that's clever.
He's a good writer.
Jeff.
- Jeff, wait.
- Hey!
Ah, a little celebratory
dinner tonight?
I made us a reservation at the
place with the fish tank.
I can't transfer.
What? Why?
Uh... I just...
It's complicated, but I...
I just can't.
All right, well, I mean,
we talked about it.
I would transfer but there's...
No, I'm not asking
you to transfer.
No, but I'm just saying, if
this is about your career,
I totally get that.
It's not about the job.
Okay, but it would be a lateral
move at worst for you.
Jeff, please listen to me.
I just... I'm not...
I'm not...
in love with you.
Oh.
I... uh...
Are you breaking up with me?
I'm sorry.
♪
Are you okay?
Not really.
I just... I don't know if
I did the right thing...
Ha. I did it!
Whoo!
- Ulch.
- Cheyenne, I did it.
Oh.
You're welcome.
♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Oh ♪
I don't get it. Is he
transferring or dying?
Yeah, Glenn, this is terrible.
Oh, I didn't make it. Mateo did.
That makes sense.
Shh! Pay attention.
What am I gonna miss the most?
Uh, the people?
They're salt of the Earth.
Simple, basic. Just
sort of harmless.
Am I scared?
Of course I'm scared.
Wait, so, um, who's asking
you these questions?
Uh...
♪
Whoa.
- That is not your chest.
- Yes it is.
Then take off your shirt.
I had a big breakfast.
My advice?
I guess it would be leaving
every place you work at
a little bit better
than when you found it.
Did I do that here? Who can say?
Yes.
I think I did.
Well, that was a
massive waste of time.
Okay, moving on.
We have not had a tornado drill
in eight years, so
we really should...
I started this journey
as a small child in
the Philippines...
So the tub faucet
is now working,
but the drain is clogged with...
I'm gonna say fur, not hair.
Oh, hold on just one
second, please.
Guys, corporate is coming down
on employee fraternization
due to a recent incident.
The incident of you having
gay sex with Mateo?
I'm not at liberty to say.
And we actually
just call it sex.
Uh, but the point
is, since you two
have been recently intimate...
Wait, does this mean
we gotta transfer too?
Oh, no, no way. I am
just getting used to
the wet horse smell coming
out of Elias's locker.
Uh, no. Mateo only
needs to transfer
because I'm at a district level.
Sorry, that sounded
like I was bragging.
- No it didn't.
- Okay, the point is,
I just need you guys to fill out
these disclosure forms for me.
Thank you. Hi, sorry about that.
So the phone in my
hotel room, yes.
Sometimes when I'm on it, I
hear somebody breathing.
This is where you'll be working?
It looks so different.
It's a Cloud 9 Signature.
They have a beauty concierge,
their produce is all organic,
and their cafe has never
given anyone diarrhea.
- That is impressive.
- How did you get
all these pictures of the store?
- It's on Yelp.
- Ohh, yeah.
It's a website where
people post reviews.
Wait, do you think our
store has a Yelf?
I'm sure we do.
Ah, well, it's
amazing how quickly
you all made this about you.
- Voila!
- Oh, my God!
Look at that!
We're famous! 168 reviews.
"Store's okay. I
usually stop there
because it's on my way home."
We're on his way home.
Uh...
Wait, stop!
"Cloud 9, more like Cloud 1,
as in the one star I'm giving
because I can't give zero."
Ha! He's a good writer.
Glen, just ignore this.
That guy's a troll.
No, uh, no.
Uh, he's a full-sized
human being,
non-mythical who writes mean
things on the Internet.
- What?
- Yeah, 99% of the Internet
is just people tearing
other people down.
It's actually why
I am considering
- leaving social media.
- Just do it, already.
Ugh, you don't get points
for talking about it.
My friend Corona sells
her pee on the Internet.
Hey, what'd you put for
nature of relationship?
They only have "spouse," "family
member," and "romantic."
Yeah, I just marked
romantic, basically because
it was the closest to
where my pen already was.
Okay, look. There
is nothing romantic
about this relationship.
I have been very
clear about that.
Yeah, I agree with you. But
we're not family members
and we're definitely
not married, so...
I'm calling Corporate.
You've called Corporate so much
that you have memorized
their number?
You're gonna need to talk first.
Ask for extension 224.
If the operator hears my voice,
she won't put me through.
Yeah, extension 224, please.
Oh.
Ha! I got through!
You know, I feel kinda
bad that I got promoted
and you guys didn't.
Oh, is getting transferred
because you're sleeping with
Jeff considered a promotion?
He's so jealous.
I know.
- Hey, there you are.
- Hey.
Got your transfer
paperwork right here.
So just go ahead
and fill that out
and get it turned in to me
with your Social Security card
- and we're good to go.
- Cool.
Um, I-I can actually just
give you the number.
Uh, no, they actually need
to see the card these days.
They gotta run it
through E-Verify.
- Is that gonna be a problem?
- No, no, no.
No, I just didn't realize this
store was like Nazi Germany.
Ve must see your documents.
Heil Hitler, Mein Fuhrer.
- Social Security card.
- Great, no problem.
No... no problem.
Do undocumented people
have documents?
No. No, we don't.
Oh.
So, like, won't
that be an issue?
Yes!
So... that's it.
Corporate's gonna find out
that my documents are fake.
I'm gonna get deported.
And Jeff is gonna get back
together with his ex.
Oh, congratulations, Chad.
You win.
You know what? Maybe you
should try talking to Jeff.
Maybe he could...
he could, like,
fudge the paperwork
or something.
- Mm.
- Great idea.
"Hey Jeff, you know how
"you're barely even
allowed to date me?
Well, surprise, turns out you're
also illegally employing me."
And I'd marry you if I could.
But I'm supposed to marry Bo
and he already bought a tie.
That's okay. Thanks anyway.
You know what?
Screw it. I'll do it.
I'll marry you.
Ew.
I don't understand the problem.
The problem, Maureen,
is you have boxes
for eight different types
of "Pacific Islander,"
but only three for what
this relationship is.
Well, it's just for the files.
It doesn't matter.
Just check the box
and let's move on
with our lives.
Fine. Whatever.
This doesn't mean
that you're in love.
It's just saying that
you're in a relationship
that entails some level of
mutual attraction and closeness.
Maureen, we're gonna need to
speak to your supervisor.
Sometimes people ask me,
"Hey, how'd you get
those light bulbs way up there?"
And the answer is: I don't know.
Oh, hey, Amy. This is Amy.
She's our intrepid
floor supervisor.
Amy, this is him.
Frenchfryguy81.
Tim.
The troll who wrote
the Yelp review.
Oh, oh. No, I wouldn't
call him that.
But... so, you invited him back?
Yeah, I mean, I couldn't
rest knowing there was
an unhappy customer out there
who thinks that this place is,
you know, quote "a bleep show."
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was probably having
a pretty bad day
- when I wrote that review.
- Oh, we all come down
with a case of the
crabs sometimes.
That's an interesting
choice of words.
Yeah, anyway, I'm giving
him the VIP tour.
Come on, I'll show you the
giant trash compactor.
- Oh, that is the VIP tour.
- Yeah.
- Have fun.
- What else have you written?
Uh, I once wrote a review of the
Burger King down on Delmar.
Oh, I would love to read that.
So is the fear you'd be
committing some kind of fraud?
No, Robbie, Robbie. You're
not listening to us.
Let me break this
down for everyone.
This is strictly sex.
No one stays over
and we keep an even tally
in terms of orgasms.
Actually, now that
I think about it,
- I owe you a... yeah.
- I am well aware.
This is T.J. from Legal.
I've only been on the
call the last 36 minutes,
but I still think that the
totality of the circumstances
points to a romantic
relationship.
- Come on.
- Mm, dude, no, man.
In a relationship, you know
things about the other person.
I don't know anything about
Dina, nor do I care to.
The feeling's mutual.
Where did I grow up?
I don't know. Is my
father dead or alive?
What is, "Don't care, Alex?"
Guys, it's just a box.
Actually, sorry to be a
fly in the ointment,
but if there are absolutely no
feelings of intimacy involved,
it could make things a
little grayer, legally.
- Yes, that's our point.
- Thank you.
Well thank God we looped in T.J.
Hey, Glenn.
We found a muddy
tire in Softlines.
Nobody knows how it got
there and we don't know
- what to do with it.
- Yeah, okay, glad to hear.
- Glenn.
- Hm?
Oh, sorry, I'm just responding
to all these old reviews.
- Oh...
- Like, in 2006,
this lady found a pool
of vomit in Electronics.
"Dear Verna301,
we have cleaned up the vomit."
We have cleaned up
the vomit, right?
Yeah. I believe so.
Wha...
Frenchfryguy81
updated his review!
"So the manager invited
me back to the store
and tried to brainwash me with
an hour-long propaganda tour."
"Pathetic man."
"Muppet voice."
Why would anyone write this?
Because he likes complaining.
Don't engage. You won't win.
Well, you can die trying.
♪ Whispers at the bus stop ♪
♪ Well, I've heard about ♪
♪ Nights out in
the school yard ♪
♪ I found out about you ♪
So we've got Robbie, T.J.
from Legal,
Delores from Compliance,
Mark from Operations,
and the whole team in
Associate Relations.
Is everyone up to speed?
- Got it.
- Yep.
Sorry if I cut out.
I'm on a cruise ship.
I think what we're
coming to here
- is adding a fourth box.
- Yes!
Yeah, that's all we're asking.
Back on track.
Okay, so what do
we label the box?
Um...
Oh, uh...
Like, uh, "Friends
with Benefits"?
Oh. I wouldn't say
we're friends.
Hmm, oh, so maybe more like a...
and apologies, Maureen... but
like "A Hate Effing Thing"?
Again, sorry, Maureen.
That's okay, T.J.
- I'm a grown-up.
- Yeah, you know what?
The thing is that I
don't hate Dina.
Eh, I'm just more ambivalent.
- Yeah, almost like an apathy.
- Maybe an apathy.
Yeah, I could go with apathy.
Sorry, that's me. We're
just pulling into port.
So you're not a refugee.
You're not a special
agricultural worker.
Any interest in
joining the military?
Hm...
I don't trust myself
with a weapon.
I would like killing too much.
Oh, or you could
just get beat up.
"Person may be eligible
for a special U.N. visa
"if they are a victim
of a violent crime,
such as an assault."
That's crazy.
I can't believe that's real.
So I would just need
to get punched.
No, it seems like you'd have to
get your ass beat pretty bad.
Or, if you don't wanna
get your ass beat,
I'm still willing to marry you.
Oh, thank you, Jonah.
When you put it like that...
the ass beating
doesn't sound so bad.
Mm-mm.
Hey, look at us.
Two regular Joes,
enjoying some good old FFs, huh?
Yeah. Thanks.
You really didn't
have to do this.
Well, I wanted to talk to you,
not just as a store manager.
You know, I'm also
a human being.
Here.
Stupid.
You get the...
Do you need... do
you need a hand?
Hm?
No, no, no. It... it's symbolic.
Look, I regretted that review
as soon as I wrote it.
You were so nice before.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
"So now this idiot drags
me back a second time
to force feed me French
fries and do a strip show"?
I used to be a people person.
When I was at the
hardware store,
I could cheer up any
unhappy customer
with, like, a smile
or a few words.
Or sometimes I'd slam my finger
in the cash register as a joke.
Ah, look, Glenn, you're
still a people person.
I wish the Internet had
never been invented.
Although then Jerusha
wouldn't be able
to buy her Chinese cigarettes.
♪
What the hell?
Why did you do that?
'Cause I felt like it.
What are you gonna do about it?
All right.
I'm writing up a 32-50 on you.
And that's going in
your file for life.
Your mom's a whore.
I can't hear you.
What did you say?
Your mom is a whore!
Okay, I'll get on that next.
Hey, Brett. I'm mad
at you, let's fight.
Ah! What? Put that
away, you psycho!
Oh, my God!
Jesus.
Oh, hello, Frenchfryguy81.
- What are you doing here?
- We need to talk.
- Now's not a good time.
- Why?
Are you busy spewing hateful
things about good people
from the comfort of your own...
Home?
Uh...
Um...
Timmy. Tim.
I need you to restart the
"Quantum Leap" video.
Mom, I'll take care
of you in a minute.
Oh, um, I... so...
What about "Sexual Co-workers"?
- Awful.
- Just say you don't care.
- What about "Friends with..."
- Say "Friends with Benefits"
one more time and
see what happens.
I was gonna say "Friends
with" something else.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
What were you gonna say?
- "Benefits."
- Yeah.
Pathetic.
My friends and I would say that
you guys are just chilling.
Wait, full-on sex is now
considered just chilling?
Uh-huh, and mouth
stuff is hanging out,
and hand stuff is pretty much,
I like you but just as a friend.
Hm. Wow, times have changed.
Yeah.
Sorry, this will just
be a couple of minutes.
- Come on!
- No, I'm not gonna beat you up.
Oh, so you'd just rather I get
kicked out of the country?
I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend.
That's why I offered
to marry you.
For the last time, I will
not marry you, Jonah!
I-I don't wanna marry him.
I just think that he
should wanna marry me.
Never mind. Keep shopping.
Look, I know you don't
want to hurt me,
but not doing this
is hurting me.
So...
if you're really my friend,
please, beat the hell out of me.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's rumble.
Oh.
Why are you
stretching your legs?
That's where the
power comes from.
Okay. How do you
want to do this?
Uh, I don't know.
I'm not really
much of a fighter.
I guess just start with
a punch in the face?
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Uh, uh...
Maybe... maybe close your eyes.
Yeah, just... yeah, okay, cool.
Uh, on second thought,
open your eyes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Open?
Okay.
Here it comes.
Here we go.
No, see, now you're
just staring at me
and... and that's weird.
Oh, come on.
Uh, don't think of
it as a hate crime.
Well, I wasn't.
But now I am.
You could just
stomp on his head.
Yeah, how about I just do this?
What if I just kind
of go like this?
And you just sort
of walk into it.
Maybe this is better? Yeah.
- Come on, just hit me.
- I'm trying, okay?
- Say something mean.
- Like what?
Um, I don't know.
Oh, say something
mean about Beyoncé.
I'd rather be deported.
Mateo, it's not that easy
to just punch somebody
that you're not fighting with.
Fine. Then let's fight.
- Well...
- Come on.
- Okay, but I...
- Hit me, wuss.
- Well, I-I... we already...
- Come on, hit me.
Well, I... this
is not necessary.
- Hit me.
- I'd like... I'd like to hit you.
Hit me.
- No... Mateo, my point...
- Hit me!
- Ow!
- Oh!
All right!
Now you go.
♪
I could tell he hit you hard
because it's the only time
I've ever seen your hair move.
I thought it was gonna
be one of those
straight guy things where I
hit you and you hit me back.
Why isn't pacifism a
straight guy thing?
I don't know. It just isn't.
So... what are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
Just... just talk to Jeff.
He cares about you. You'll...
you'll work it out.
Yeah, maybe.
I'm sorry I didn't
come through for you.
Yeah, you really blew it.
All right, we have
been talking and...
We'd like a fourth box
added, labeled as "Other."
That's it? "Other"?
We're very excited about
"Other," Maureen.
Okay, fine. "Other" it is.
- Legal signs off.
- Sounds good.
I missed the Captain's
dinner for this.
All right.
- "Other."
- Hey, I'm happy with it.
- Boom.
- Did it!
- Hey, good job.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm gonna just go dock your pay,
'cause you should have been
working all this time.
Slacker.
You got bird seed in your hair.
Shut up.
Did you give her the cookies?
I gave them to her.
You don't have to eat those.
Well, I can't because
they're dominoes.
Look, I haven't
worked in six months.
GameStop said they
were cutting back,
but then I went in there, and
they hired four new girls.
So then I get on the computer,
where I'm the guy who
can win for a change.
Oh, forget it. I'm not
explaining it right.
No, no. I get it.
I mean, it's not like
my life is so terrific.
I have tons of debt. My
marriage is struggling.
And it all feels like
it's never gonna change.
Wow.
Your life sounds as bad as mine.
- Uh-huh.
- Timmy, one of the rabbits
is eating the other one.
I'll get around to it, Ma!
♪
You know, it feels like ages
since I've just sat and
talked to somebody like this.
Yeah. This is... this is nice.
Friends?
Friends.
"And then this psycho stalker
doesn't eat the cookies
my mom offered her."
You wouldn't eat the cookies?
Well, they were dominoes.
The point is, he was as mean
to me as he was to you.
Oh, no, he's way meaner to you.
He says you're a munchkin.
Glad to see you're
feeling better.
He calls you "Lamey Amy."
Oh, that's clever.
He's a good writer.
Jeff.
- Jeff, wait.
- Hey!
Ah, a little celebratory
dinner tonight?
I made us a reservation at the
place with the fish tank.
I can't transfer.
What? Why?
Uh... I just...
It's complicated, but I...
I just can't.
All right, well, I mean,
we talked about it.
I would transfer but there's...
No, I'm not asking
you to transfer.
No, but I'm just saying, if
this is about your career,
I totally get that.
It's not about the job.
Okay, but it would be a lateral
move at worst for you.
Jeff, please listen to me.
I just... I'm not...
I'm not...
in love with you.
Oh.
I... uh...
Are you breaking up with me?
I'm sorry.
♪
Are you okay?
Not really.
I just... I don't know if
I did the right thing...
Ha. I did it!
Whoo!
- Ulch.
- Cheyenne, I did it.
Oh.
You're welcome.