Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - Integrity Award - full transcript
Glenn is determined to win the Cloud 9 Integrity Award.
The roach situation in the
break room is getting worse.
So clean up your
crumbs, and Heather,
stop hoarding yogurt
lids in your locker.
You're not gonna win
that free cruise.
On to something more important
than a bunch of dumb bugs.
Who's excited about
awards season?
Um, Glenn, the Oscars
were last month.
I know that, because we
had that Oscar pool.
Wait, who won that again?
I believe that was you.
Oh, yeah, that was me.
It's all about the
technical categories.
Yep, you said that.
Forget about the Oscars.
I am talking about the new
Cloud 9 Integrity Awards.
I know, right? So cool.
The winner from each store
gets an unframed certificate,
and attends a luncheon with
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Wait, hold on. So you
go through the buffet,
and fill your plate once,
and that's all you get?
No, it's all-you-can-eat.
Anyway, uh, the recommendation
forms are here, and...
which Brett will be happy
to help you with...
in case you think of
someone you work with,
or maybe work for,
who you think has shown
integrity in the workplace.
You can't push
yourself for an award.
Me? I don't even know if
managers are eligible.
Oh, yeah, they're probably not.
Well, I know they are,
because I checked, so...
Oh, I see, so it's
all you can eat
on your one trip to the buffet.
No, you're... you're
not getting it.
It... it's multiple trips. That...
that's the beauty of it.
Well, I'm probably not eligible,
since I'm dating Jeff.
You know, I wouldn't want to add
more drama to the scandal, or
add gasoline to the fire, right?
You were all so interested when you
thought Sandra was dating Jeff.
Yeah, it just feels
kinda done now.
Yeah.
What size plate do you
have to bring with you?
They have plates there.
So Jeff's kind of a bigwig, huh?
I heard when he
drives somewhere,
Cloud 9 pays for his gas.
Oh, well, they pay for
his haircuts too, so...
- That's awesome.
- Hm.
Uh, anyway, you know,
I put in six requests
for an exterminator for
that roach problem,
and then it occurred to me,
maybe Jeff could help
grease the wheels.
You want me to talk to Jeff?
I don't know, Dina, it's...
Oh, sorry.
I just thought he was
really into you.
He is.
He's obsessed with me.
I'm all, "What do you
wanna have for dinner?"
He's like, "Mateo, I'm
obsessed with you."
Uh-huh, well, if you
wanna prove it,
why don't you give him a ring?
I mean, if he's
obsessed with you.
Mm-hmm.
The primary circuit supplies
the secondary portion
of the valve with air.
Pump the brakes to demonstrate.
- What you doing?
- Um, I am making a delivery.
Since when do you
make deliveries?
Uh... Since I realized
we don't have any female
truck drivers in 2017.
Okay, I'm helping
my parents move.
- Ah...
- They forgot to rent a truck,
and they have to be out
of their house today.
Uh...
Okay, if you need some help,
I actually know how
to drive stick.
I thought it would be something
that would impress women.
It does not.
Uh, nope, I'm fine. Thank you.
All right.
Yeah, you got this.
- Okay, fine, you can help.
- Aww...
enough with the gratitude.
Okay, hitting the road.
No limits, no rules.
I like to be right
up on the wheel.
- Hey, Glenn.
- Hey.
Would it be okay if
I recommended you
for the Integrity Award?
What? Me?
Huh?
You... are you sure?
Yeah, you're such a good guy.
But if you're
uncomfortable with it...
- No, no. Do it, do it.
- Okay...
well, I'm gonna put
it in the ballot box.
Yeah, okay. Whatever
you decide, you know.
My middle name's Phillip
Okay.
I would like 44
crab legs, please.
♪ You were my lover ♪
♪ But you act so undercover ♪
♪ Love your child my
whole life long ♪
I'm sorry, if I show
you special treatment,
people are going to
start asking questions.
There's nothing I can do.
I gotta go.
Was that Jeff?
Yeah, I asked him about
the exterminator, and...
I knew it. As the
internet would say,
"you can no haz
cheeseburger." Forget it.
No, no, he, um...
Is sending somebody right away.
I told you, he's
obsessed with me.
Oh, you really need to work
on your good news voice.
I have a series of
tapes I can lend you.
They're very helpful.
For example...
"Grandma's alive!"
No, no, hold on.
"Grandma's alive!"
No, that's not
sounding right either.
I'll find it. It's just...
news I would never
be happy to give.
Hey, Sandra.
Hey, how was your vacation?
- I didn't take one.
- No, I meant last year,
when I gave you that week
off to go to Atlantic City.
- Oh...
- Don't worry about it.
So who you nominating?
- You.
- What? Me?
No... Sandra, that's so...
You know, that is so
out of leftfield.
Watch out! Watch out!
Move, move Coming
through, coming through.
What's going on?
Found this dog outside...
stuck in the snow.
- Oh, my God, is he okay?
- Yeah, he's gonna be fine.
I just need to
warm him up quick.
Hey, Tim, go grab one of those dog
baths, bring him to the men's room.
Heather, grab some hairdryers,
blankets, and towels.
Come on, little buddy.
I got you.
- Thank God Garrett was there.
- Yeah.
Talk about integrity.
Uh, I... I don't... I don't
think you're allowed to erase.
I'm so excited to
meet the parents.
Trying to decide if I
should ask my questions
in chronological
order from birth,
or by degree of embarrassment.
Oh, Jonah, so sweet, so dumb.
Do you actually think I'd bring you
along if my parents were here?
They're in the new place.
We're just getting boxes.
Hey, princess.
We're a little behind schedule.
- A little?
- Hi, I'm Jonah,
and I have a lot of questions.
♪
Why aren't you guys packed?
It's an emotional process.
Amelia, you made
this in preschool.
- Amelia?
- Uh, stay in your lane.
I'm already packed.
Took me two minutes to
box up everything I own.
Let's see. Uh, this
is mostly socks,
a toothbrush, and a banana.
I keep it simple.
What else do I need?
I don't know, maybe
your heart medicine,
so that your body doesn't
reject your new valve?
Yep.
Look, I'm gonna need to stay.
Can you Uber back?
Oh, n-n-no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
This is where I need
to be, Amelia...
You know what, Connie?
Let's start with
those photo albums.
What do ya say?
- Sit.
- Okay.
All right, now I'm gonna
give you one more,
'cause I'm looking
out for your sodium.
- Here you go.
- Hey, Garrett.
Hey there, little guy.
How's your...
Oh, he thinks you're
trying to steal his nacho.
Oh...
I'm not.
Anyway, good for you
for finding him.
You probably saved his life.
Hm, who saw that coming?
I didn't.
Eh, you know, it wasn't
that big a deal.
You might even win the award.
How crazy would that be?
Garrett, Integrity Award winner.
Look, I know how much
you want the award.
Whoa! That's quite a leap.
Well, on the off chance that I'm
right, why don't we do this?
Attention, Cloud 9 employees,
do not recommend me for
the Integrity Award.
If you would like to reward
me for rescuing a dog,
feel free to bring baked
goods by Customer Service,
preferably homemade.
Thank you.
And no lemon squares, or
anything with oatmeal.
Save that crap for somebody
who did not rescue a dog.
My cousin's actually an
exterminator up in Davenport.
Name's Rob. You know him?
- Uh-uh.
- Eh, worth a shot.
Would've been cool.
All right, everyone out.
Break room is officially
closed for fumigation.
This stuff is highly toxic.
Sandra, stay or go. I
really don't care.
All right, bug man,
room is yours.
Go to town.
Oh, okay, NBD.
Just a few roachies.
I mean, ah.
Come at me, bro.
Oh...
she said the other kids were
wearing capes at school.
Then I picked her up one day.
Nope.
Okay, Mom, I was coping with
Grandpa dying in my arms.
And you know what, why don't
you guys get packing?
If you wanna chit-chat,
exchange numbers.
Already Facebook friends.
So next we have...
oh, naked Amy.
Mom...
Please, you were
three years old.
Don't worry, I only
saw up-top stuff...
nothing south of the border.
Kay, you're not
making it better.
Oh, I didn't mean that
in, like, a Latino way.
Hey, Dad, you know, Jonah
is a real art lover.
- Oh.
- Oh, really?
Powerful, aren't they?
Yeah... yeah, yeah,
you have a... a real
eye for composition.
They're celebrities.
Yeah. Yeah, I caught that.
I knew you'd appreciate them.
- Yeah...
- Pick your favorite one.
Oh, me? No, no, no.
Come on, I couldn't.
No, no, no, I insist.
I don't have room for them
anyway in the new place.
Oh, okay, thanks.
Um, yeah, I'll... I'll
take, you know, Putin.
- Why?
- Well, I...
that's just because... I mean, I...
I'll take any of them.
No, no, no, no, fine. You
want Putin, take him.
Thank you. This, uh...
this mean a lot.
Let's say, um... $30 sound fair?
Yeah... yeah, $30's...
$30's cool.
$30's good. Yeah.
Hey, Cheyenne.
I was just reading
your recommendation.
It is so nice.
Oh, thanks.
But three sentences?
Can I really be summed
up in three sentences?
Oh, should it be longer?
Well...
I'm just wondering if we
could up the wow factor.
I mean, it's not about
making it longer.
It's about making it
better and longer.
So do you want me to
write another one?
I think you want you
to write another one.
- That's what I'm hearing.
- Oh, okay.
I'll do it as soon as I'm
done with this customer.
Oh, I'll take over,
so... so you can get to it
while it's fresh in your head.
- What is?
- I can't wait to find out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hi.
Are you ready to
be your best self?
♪
Okay.
♪
That's it?
♪
Hey, there you are.
The exterminator was here.
You just missed him.
Oh, yeah, I saw him.
Really skinny guy.
Huh, I didn't think so.
Well, you can't
tell in a jumpsuit.
Anyway, thanks for
making Jeff send him.
Sure. I'm a good man to know,
so let me know if you
need anything else.
Cool. Well, I'd love to get
the bulbs changed in
the parking lights.
Kitchen needs to be re-grouted.
- Utility room's a mess.
- Okay...
seems like a lot to
ask all at once.
Come on now, you just need to
make it worth his while, right?
Bedroom-wise? Kitchen-wise?
Dungeon-wise?
Whatever it is you guys do.
This would just
really help me out.
- Okay, sure, no problem.
- Great.
Let me know if you need
any good sex moves.
Nope, I'm good.
You're gonna wanna take
his whole mess of parts,
and just twist 'em
up fast, okay?
Like a... like a windup toy.
Uh, pretend it's a jar of
pickles that won't open.
Excuse you, this is a
private conversation.
Okay someone's ready
for the dance.
Hi, boy! Hi.
I was looking
everywhere for him.
Aww, hi, boy.
Oh, what's going on here?
Garrett didn't just find a dog.
He found a veteran's dog.
Thank you. You're a hero.
Oh, no, sir, thank you.
You're the real hero here.
- You are.
- Well, okay, I'll take it.
Maybe we all are.
All of us are heroes.
Connie, you have more necklaces
made out of coins than
I have ever seen.
Until now, the record was zero.
I'm hungry.
Connie, I'm hungry.
Okay, I will order pizza, and we will
keep packing until it gets here.
Pizza?
This is our last
meal in this house.
We can't just eat junk
out of a cardboard box?
- I mean, we could.
- I'll make tamales.
- Ooh, that sounds good...
- Oh, yeah.
But so does pizza.
Mom, we don't have twelve hours
for you to make tamales.
I'll hurry.
I just have to
find that steamer.
Mom, please, no. Don't...
do not open that...
I just packed...
I can't.
Jonah, I'm feeling like
$30 was a little low.
So all of us at corporate would
like to congratulate you
on some find work today.
Really impressive.
Ah, just doing what I do.
Plus, my manager, Glenn Sturgis,
set such a great example for me.
Right, but you're
the one who saved
the life of a war hero's dog.
I mean, that deserves
recognition.
Well, hold on.
I think you mean
allegedly saved a life
- of an alleged dog.
- It was definitely a dog.
And who knows if that guy
was even a real war hero.
Maybe he was one
of those veterans
that, you know, shot up a
village of innocent people.
Lot of folks snap
under the fog of war.
What are you doing?
Um, well... I'm not sure how...
Garrett just called
you a bad name,
and now he's giving
you the finger
Attention, Cloud 9 employees,
I am now accepting
recommendations
for the Integrity Award,
not because I care, but
largely out of spite.
Hey, uh, so I'm not exactly
sure what this means,
but your mom said,
"You better come down.
You're not too big
to get the chancla"?
She's threatening to
throw her sandal at me.
Why? Did she have it out?
Wait, is this your
childhood bedroom?
Yeah, take in all the glory.
So this is where it all
began for young Amelia.
Lets see here.
Oh, not one, but two, three...
six pictures of Scott Wolf.
Yeah, I was part
of the Wolf Pack.
Hey, is this... Is this "Rent"?
I never pictured you as a...
a theater nerd.
I was one too.
Yeah, that's exactly
how I pictured you.
Oh! And I was on the
debate team as well.
I feel like if we went to school
together, we would've been friends.
Um, I'd like to think
not, but, yeah, probably.
This was not just a crush...
there's a darkness here.
♪
Okay.
I think it's, like, the longest
thing I've ever written.
First time I wrote
"opportunity."
That word's nuts.
Yeah, well, I... I think
we're getting there.
But I still think we need,
like, a big story here.
Like, what is my
dog-in-the-snow?
Oh, remember that one time
that you stopped
that shopping cart
from smashing into aisle six?
Yeah, like that,
but what if aisle
six was a baby,
and the shopping cart was,
like, an axe murderer?
So you want me to lie to get
you an Integrity Award?
What I'm hearing is that
you want you to lie
to get me an Integrity Award.
♪ Don't know what you got ♪
♪ Till it's gone ♪
But the worst part
about the chanclas
is if you duck the first one...
There's another one.
Exactly.
Right.
Hon,
would you like two
or three tamales?
What the hell are you
doing with my daughter?
- Whoa, whoa.
- I'll kill you.
No, no, no, no, no, sir.
No, not... it's not...
I'm kidding. Look at
him freaking out.
It's still hilarious, Dad.
Your cousins are downstairs.
Steven's girlfriend
is very loud.
I told you.
I'm going to the store
to get some ice.
No, Dad, we don't need ice. We
need you to pack your stuff.
This is never gonna get done.
I'm so sick of having to
do everything for them.
Then don't.
- Come on.
- No, I-I-I mean it.
What... what would happen
if you just left right now?
Then I would be the one who had
to deal with the consequences.
No, you would be the one
who decided to deal
with the consequences,
instead of just letting
them deal with it.
I'm just saying, it's
not your responsibility
to make sure that everything
goes well for everybody else.
Yeah.
You're right.
They're grownups.
They'll figure it out.
Okay. Great, let's
get out of here.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, like tha... Oh,
like, out that way?
Oh, yeah, I'm not dealing
with my cousins.
It's like non-stop Dr.
Evil impressions.
Excuse me, do you have
anymore bug bombs in back?
There's only one left, and I
have to do my whole house.
Oh... One's all you
need for a house.
Three of them would fill
a Scottrade Center.
♪
You really schlonged me
with this whole dog scam.
Well, that's a low blow.
But since I'm a man of...
Integrity, I'm gonna
let it slide.
Why are you doing this?
You You You don't even
care about this award.
Why do you assume
that I don't care?
One time I do a good deed, I'd
like a little recognition.
I like plaques. I got walls.
- Are you crying?
- Yeah! I got feelings, too,
although not such
strong feelings
that I should be crying.
That's weird.
Okay, this is our store today.
Here's where I'd like to
see it in three months.
Fresh coat of paint,
advanced security system.
You can tell Jeff whatever they have
at the Tel Aviv airport will be fine.
Now here's where I'd like
to see it in three years.
Enough! I'm not
your slave, okay?
Uh, I mean, Jeff's not.
Jeff's... Jeff's not
gonna do any of those.
What is going on?
Oh, that's not great.
♪ In daylight, in sunsets ♪
♪ In midnights, in
cups of coffee ♪
- ♪ In inches, in miles ♪ -
♪ In inches, in smiles ♪
- ♪ In laughter, in strife ♪
- Smiles and strife.
I'm sorry. I just feel terrible.
I feel sick. I feel sick.
Yeah, as boys, we're told to
keep our feelings inside.
But this is good.
I'm crying, you're crying.
And...
And my nose is bleeding,
and your nose is bleeding.
What? Oh.
Code Orange.
This is a Code
Orange toxic event.
Everyone evacuate the building.
♪ How do you measure,
measure a year? ♪
Whoa, what is going on?
I don't know, but looks
like kind of a mess.
You know, they're adults.
I'm sure they can handle it.
Whatever it is.
You know, we never
did get lunch.
Gotta eat.
♪
Oh, no, not here, sir.
We have a...
What percentage
oxygen you using?
Standard 80?
Yeah.
So some moron decided to set off
ten industrial-sized bug
bombs in your break room.
Oh, I'm sure he was
just trying to help.
Or she! Whoever it is.
Hey, so, uh, early
dinner tonight?
- What are you doing?
- Huh? Oh, it's fine.
I... I came clean.
I mean, the secret was
just inflaming my ulcer.
- And they're okay with it?
- Yeah, it's fine.
It's... it's basically fine.
You need to transfer
to a different store.
Transfer?
Oh.
Why can't I just have a car?
I don't know. You just can't.
No, see, the thing
is "Party of Five"
showcased his boyish appeal,
but it made it harder for him
to get darker, more adult roles.
I wonder what he's doing now.
He married Kelly from "THE
REAL WORLD: New Orleans."
They live in Park City
with their three kids.
Whose names are...
How would I know?
Jackson, Miller, and Lucy.
Okay, so who was
your '90s crush?
Alyssa Jayne Milano was born
in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn...
Of course it was
Alyssa Jayne Milano!
In 1972.
break room is getting worse.
So clean up your
crumbs, and Heather,
stop hoarding yogurt
lids in your locker.
You're not gonna win
that free cruise.
On to something more important
than a bunch of dumb bugs.
Who's excited about
awards season?
Um, Glenn, the Oscars
were last month.
I know that, because we
had that Oscar pool.
Wait, who won that again?
I believe that was you.
Oh, yeah, that was me.
It's all about the
technical categories.
Yep, you said that.
Forget about the Oscars.
I am talking about the new
Cloud 9 Integrity Awards.
I know, right? So cool.
The winner from each store
gets an unframed certificate,
and attends a luncheon with
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Wait, hold on. So you
go through the buffet,
and fill your plate once,
and that's all you get?
No, it's all-you-can-eat.
Anyway, uh, the recommendation
forms are here, and...
which Brett will be happy
to help you with...
in case you think of
someone you work with,
or maybe work for,
who you think has shown
integrity in the workplace.
You can't push
yourself for an award.
Me? I don't even know if
managers are eligible.
Oh, yeah, they're probably not.
Well, I know they are,
because I checked, so...
Oh, I see, so it's
all you can eat
on your one trip to the buffet.
No, you're... you're
not getting it.
It... it's multiple trips. That...
that's the beauty of it.
Well, I'm probably not eligible,
since I'm dating Jeff.
You know, I wouldn't want to add
more drama to the scandal, or
add gasoline to the fire, right?
You were all so interested when you
thought Sandra was dating Jeff.
Yeah, it just feels
kinda done now.
Yeah.
What size plate do you
have to bring with you?
They have plates there.
So Jeff's kind of a bigwig, huh?
I heard when he
drives somewhere,
Cloud 9 pays for his gas.
Oh, well, they pay for
his haircuts too, so...
- That's awesome.
- Hm.
Uh, anyway, you know,
I put in six requests
for an exterminator for
that roach problem,
and then it occurred to me,
maybe Jeff could help
grease the wheels.
You want me to talk to Jeff?
I don't know, Dina, it's...
Oh, sorry.
I just thought he was
really into you.
He is.
He's obsessed with me.
I'm all, "What do you
wanna have for dinner?"
He's like, "Mateo, I'm
obsessed with you."
Uh-huh, well, if you
wanna prove it,
why don't you give him a ring?
I mean, if he's
obsessed with you.
Mm-hmm.
The primary circuit supplies
the secondary portion
of the valve with air.
Pump the brakes to demonstrate.
- What you doing?
- Um, I am making a delivery.
Since when do you
make deliveries?
Uh... Since I realized
we don't have any female
truck drivers in 2017.
Okay, I'm helping
my parents move.
- Ah...
- They forgot to rent a truck,
and they have to be out
of their house today.
Uh...
Okay, if you need some help,
I actually know how
to drive stick.
I thought it would be something
that would impress women.
It does not.
Uh, nope, I'm fine. Thank you.
All right.
Yeah, you got this.
- Okay, fine, you can help.
- Aww...
enough with the gratitude.
Okay, hitting the road.
No limits, no rules.
I like to be right
up on the wheel.
- Hey, Glenn.
- Hey.
Would it be okay if
I recommended you
for the Integrity Award?
What? Me?
Huh?
You... are you sure?
Yeah, you're such a good guy.
But if you're
uncomfortable with it...
- No, no. Do it, do it.
- Okay...
well, I'm gonna put
it in the ballot box.
Yeah, okay. Whatever
you decide, you know.
My middle name's Phillip
Okay.
I would like 44
crab legs, please.
♪ You were my lover ♪
♪ But you act so undercover ♪
♪ Love your child my
whole life long ♪
I'm sorry, if I show
you special treatment,
people are going to
start asking questions.
There's nothing I can do.
I gotta go.
Was that Jeff?
Yeah, I asked him about
the exterminator, and...
I knew it. As the
internet would say,
"you can no haz
cheeseburger." Forget it.
No, no, he, um...
Is sending somebody right away.
I told you, he's
obsessed with me.
Oh, you really need to work
on your good news voice.
I have a series of
tapes I can lend you.
They're very helpful.
For example...
"Grandma's alive!"
No, no, hold on.
"Grandma's alive!"
No, that's not
sounding right either.
I'll find it. It's just...
news I would never
be happy to give.
Hey, Sandra.
Hey, how was your vacation?
- I didn't take one.
- No, I meant last year,
when I gave you that week
off to go to Atlantic City.
- Oh...
- Don't worry about it.
So who you nominating?
- You.
- What? Me?
No... Sandra, that's so...
You know, that is so
out of leftfield.
Watch out! Watch out!
Move, move Coming
through, coming through.
What's going on?
Found this dog outside...
stuck in the snow.
- Oh, my God, is he okay?
- Yeah, he's gonna be fine.
I just need to
warm him up quick.
Hey, Tim, go grab one of those dog
baths, bring him to the men's room.
Heather, grab some hairdryers,
blankets, and towels.
Come on, little buddy.
I got you.
- Thank God Garrett was there.
- Yeah.
Talk about integrity.
Uh, I... I don't... I don't
think you're allowed to erase.
I'm so excited to
meet the parents.
Trying to decide if I
should ask my questions
in chronological
order from birth,
or by degree of embarrassment.
Oh, Jonah, so sweet, so dumb.
Do you actually think I'd bring you
along if my parents were here?
They're in the new place.
We're just getting boxes.
Hey, princess.
We're a little behind schedule.
- A little?
- Hi, I'm Jonah,
and I have a lot of questions.
♪
Why aren't you guys packed?
It's an emotional process.
Amelia, you made
this in preschool.
- Amelia?
- Uh, stay in your lane.
I'm already packed.
Took me two minutes to
box up everything I own.
Let's see. Uh, this
is mostly socks,
a toothbrush, and a banana.
I keep it simple.
What else do I need?
I don't know, maybe
your heart medicine,
so that your body doesn't
reject your new valve?
Yep.
Look, I'm gonna need to stay.
Can you Uber back?
Oh, n-n-no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
This is where I need
to be, Amelia...
You know what, Connie?
Let's start with
those photo albums.
What do ya say?
- Sit.
- Okay.
All right, now I'm gonna
give you one more,
'cause I'm looking
out for your sodium.
- Here you go.
- Hey, Garrett.
Hey there, little guy.
How's your...
Oh, he thinks you're
trying to steal his nacho.
Oh...
I'm not.
Anyway, good for you
for finding him.
You probably saved his life.
Hm, who saw that coming?
I didn't.
Eh, you know, it wasn't
that big a deal.
You might even win the award.
How crazy would that be?
Garrett, Integrity Award winner.
Look, I know how much
you want the award.
Whoa! That's quite a leap.
Well, on the off chance that I'm
right, why don't we do this?
Attention, Cloud 9 employees,
do not recommend me for
the Integrity Award.
If you would like to reward
me for rescuing a dog,
feel free to bring baked
goods by Customer Service,
preferably homemade.
Thank you.
And no lemon squares, or
anything with oatmeal.
Save that crap for somebody
who did not rescue a dog.
My cousin's actually an
exterminator up in Davenport.
Name's Rob. You know him?
- Uh-uh.
- Eh, worth a shot.
Would've been cool.
All right, everyone out.
Break room is officially
closed for fumigation.
This stuff is highly toxic.
Sandra, stay or go. I
really don't care.
All right, bug man,
room is yours.
Go to town.
Oh, okay, NBD.
Just a few roachies.
I mean, ah.
Come at me, bro.
Oh...
she said the other kids were
wearing capes at school.
Then I picked her up one day.
Nope.
Okay, Mom, I was coping with
Grandpa dying in my arms.
And you know what, why don't
you guys get packing?
If you wanna chit-chat,
exchange numbers.
Already Facebook friends.
So next we have...
oh, naked Amy.
Mom...
Please, you were
three years old.
Don't worry, I only
saw up-top stuff...
nothing south of the border.
Kay, you're not
making it better.
Oh, I didn't mean that
in, like, a Latino way.
Hey, Dad, you know, Jonah
is a real art lover.
- Oh.
- Oh, really?
Powerful, aren't they?
Yeah... yeah, yeah,
you have a... a real
eye for composition.
They're celebrities.
Yeah. Yeah, I caught that.
I knew you'd appreciate them.
- Yeah...
- Pick your favorite one.
Oh, me? No, no, no.
Come on, I couldn't.
No, no, no, I insist.
I don't have room for them
anyway in the new place.
Oh, okay, thanks.
Um, yeah, I'll... I'll
take, you know, Putin.
- Why?
- Well, I...
that's just because... I mean, I...
I'll take any of them.
No, no, no, no, fine. You
want Putin, take him.
Thank you. This, uh...
this mean a lot.
Let's say, um... $30 sound fair?
Yeah... yeah, $30's...
$30's cool.
$30's good. Yeah.
Hey, Cheyenne.
I was just reading
your recommendation.
It is so nice.
Oh, thanks.
But three sentences?
Can I really be summed
up in three sentences?
Oh, should it be longer?
Well...
I'm just wondering if we
could up the wow factor.
I mean, it's not about
making it longer.
It's about making it
better and longer.
So do you want me to
write another one?
I think you want you
to write another one.
- That's what I'm hearing.
- Oh, okay.
I'll do it as soon as I'm
done with this customer.
Oh, I'll take over,
so... so you can get to it
while it's fresh in your head.
- What is?
- I can't wait to find out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hi.
Are you ready to
be your best self?
♪
Okay.
♪
That's it?
♪
Hey, there you are.
The exterminator was here.
You just missed him.
Oh, yeah, I saw him.
Really skinny guy.
Huh, I didn't think so.
Well, you can't
tell in a jumpsuit.
Anyway, thanks for
making Jeff send him.
Sure. I'm a good man to know,
so let me know if you
need anything else.
Cool. Well, I'd love to get
the bulbs changed in
the parking lights.
Kitchen needs to be re-grouted.
- Utility room's a mess.
- Okay...
seems like a lot to
ask all at once.
Come on now, you just need to
make it worth his while, right?
Bedroom-wise? Kitchen-wise?
Dungeon-wise?
Whatever it is you guys do.
This would just
really help me out.
- Okay, sure, no problem.
- Great.
Let me know if you need
any good sex moves.
Nope, I'm good.
You're gonna wanna take
his whole mess of parts,
and just twist 'em
up fast, okay?
Like a... like a windup toy.
Uh, pretend it's a jar of
pickles that won't open.
Excuse you, this is a
private conversation.
Okay someone's ready
for the dance.
Hi, boy! Hi.
I was looking
everywhere for him.
Aww, hi, boy.
Oh, what's going on here?
Garrett didn't just find a dog.
He found a veteran's dog.
Thank you. You're a hero.
Oh, no, sir, thank you.
You're the real hero here.
- You are.
- Well, okay, I'll take it.
Maybe we all are.
All of us are heroes.
Connie, you have more necklaces
made out of coins than
I have ever seen.
Until now, the record was zero.
I'm hungry.
Connie, I'm hungry.
Okay, I will order pizza, and we will
keep packing until it gets here.
Pizza?
This is our last
meal in this house.
We can't just eat junk
out of a cardboard box?
- I mean, we could.
- I'll make tamales.
- Ooh, that sounds good...
- Oh, yeah.
But so does pizza.
Mom, we don't have twelve hours
for you to make tamales.
I'll hurry.
I just have to
find that steamer.
Mom, please, no. Don't...
do not open that...
I just packed...
I can't.
Jonah, I'm feeling like
$30 was a little low.
So all of us at corporate would
like to congratulate you
on some find work today.
Really impressive.
Ah, just doing what I do.
Plus, my manager, Glenn Sturgis,
set such a great example for me.
Right, but you're
the one who saved
the life of a war hero's dog.
I mean, that deserves
recognition.
Well, hold on.
I think you mean
allegedly saved a life
- of an alleged dog.
- It was definitely a dog.
And who knows if that guy
was even a real war hero.
Maybe he was one
of those veterans
that, you know, shot up a
village of innocent people.
Lot of folks snap
under the fog of war.
What are you doing?
Um, well... I'm not sure how...
Garrett just called
you a bad name,
and now he's giving
you the finger
Attention, Cloud 9 employees,
I am now accepting
recommendations
for the Integrity Award,
not because I care, but
largely out of spite.
Hey, uh, so I'm not exactly
sure what this means,
but your mom said,
"You better come down.
You're not too big
to get the chancla"?
She's threatening to
throw her sandal at me.
Why? Did she have it out?
Wait, is this your
childhood bedroom?
Yeah, take in all the glory.
So this is where it all
began for young Amelia.
Lets see here.
Oh, not one, but two, three...
six pictures of Scott Wolf.
Yeah, I was part
of the Wolf Pack.
Hey, is this... Is this "Rent"?
I never pictured you as a...
a theater nerd.
I was one too.
Yeah, that's exactly
how I pictured you.
Oh! And I was on the
debate team as well.
I feel like if we went to school
together, we would've been friends.
Um, I'd like to think
not, but, yeah, probably.
This was not just a crush...
there's a darkness here.
♪
Okay.
I think it's, like, the longest
thing I've ever written.
First time I wrote
"opportunity."
That word's nuts.
Yeah, well, I... I think
we're getting there.
But I still think we need,
like, a big story here.
Like, what is my
dog-in-the-snow?
Oh, remember that one time
that you stopped
that shopping cart
from smashing into aisle six?
Yeah, like that,
but what if aisle
six was a baby,
and the shopping cart was,
like, an axe murderer?
So you want me to lie to get
you an Integrity Award?
What I'm hearing is that
you want you to lie
to get me an Integrity Award.
♪ Don't know what you got ♪
♪ Till it's gone ♪
But the worst part
about the chanclas
is if you duck the first one...
There's another one.
Exactly.
Right.
Hon,
would you like two
or three tamales?
What the hell are you
doing with my daughter?
- Whoa, whoa.
- I'll kill you.
No, no, no, no, no, sir.
No, not... it's not...
I'm kidding. Look at
him freaking out.
It's still hilarious, Dad.
Your cousins are downstairs.
Steven's girlfriend
is very loud.
I told you.
I'm going to the store
to get some ice.
No, Dad, we don't need ice. We
need you to pack your stuff.
This is never gonna get done.
I'm so sick of having to
do everything for them.
Then don't.
- Come on.
- No, I-I-I mean it.
What... what would happen
if you just left right now?
Then I would be the one who had
to deal with the consequences.
No, you would be the one
who decided to deal
with the consequences,
instead of just letting
them deal with it.
I'm just saying, it's
not your responsibility
to make sure that everything
goes well for everybody else.
Yeah.
You're right.
They're grownups.
They'll figure it out.
Okay. Great, let's
get out of here.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, like tha... Oh,
like, out that way?
Oh, yeah, I'm not dealing
with my cousins.
It's like non-stop Dr.
Evil impressions.
Excuse me, do you have
anymore bug bombs in back?
There's only one left, and I
have to do my whole house.
Oh... One's all you
need for a house.
Three of them would fill
a Scottrade Center.
♪
You really schlonged me
with this whole dog scam.
Well, that's a low blow.
But since I'm a man of...
Integrity, I'm gonna
let it slide.
Why are you doing this?
You You You don't even
care about this award.
Why do you assume
that I don't care?
One time I do a good deed, I'd
like a little recognition.
I like plaques. I got walls.
- Are you crying?
- Yeah! I got feelings, too,
although not such
strong feelings
that I should be crying.
That's weird.
Okay, this is our store today.
Here's where I'd like to
see it in three months.
Fresh coat of paint,
advanced security system.
You can tell Jeff whatever they have
at the Tel Aviv airport will be fine.
Now here's where I'd like
to see it in three years.
Enough! I'm not
your slave, okay?
Uh, I mean, Jeff's not.
Jeff's... Jeff's not
gonna do any of those.
What is going on?
Oh, that's not great.
♪ In daylight, in sunsets ♪
♪ In midnights, in
cups of coffee ♪
- ♪ In inches, in miles ♪ -
♪ In inches, in smiles ♪
- ♪ In laughter, in strife ♪
- Smiles and strife.
I'm sorry. I just feel terrible.
I feel sick. I feel sick.
Yeah, as boys, we're told to
keep our feelings inside.
But this is good.
I'm crying, you're crying.
And...
And my nose is bleeding,
and your nose is bleeding.
What? Oh.
Code Orange.
This is a Code
Orange toxic event.
Everyone evacuate the building.
♪ How do you measure,
measure a year? ♪
Whoa, what is going on?
I don't know, but looks
like kind of a mess.
You know, they're adults.
I'm sure they can handle it.
Whatever it is.
You know, we never
did get lunch.
Gotta eat.
♪
Oh, no, not here, sir.
We have a...
What percentage
oxygen you using?
Standard 80?
Yeah.
So some moron decided to set off
ten industrial-sized bug
bombs in your break room.
Oh, I'm sure he was
just trying to help.
Or she! Whoever it is.
Hey, so, uh, early
dinner tonight?
- What are you doing?
- Huh? Oh, it's fine.
I... I came clean.
I mean, the secret was
just inflaming my ulcer.
- And they're okay with it?
- Yeah, it's fine.
It's... it's basically fine.
You need to transfer
to a different store.
Transfer?
Oh.
Why can't I just have a car?
I don't know. You just can't.
No, see, the thing
is "Party of Five"
showcased his boyish appeal,
but it made it harder for him
to get darker, more adult roles.
I wonder what he's doing now.
He married Kelly from "THE
REAL WORLD: New Orleans."
They live in Park City
with their three kids.
Whose names are...
How would I know?
Jackson, Miller, and Lucy.
Okay, so who was
your '90s crush?
Alyssa Jayne Milano was born
in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn...
Of course it was
Alyssa Jayne Milano!
In 1972.