Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Super Hot Store - full transcript
Don't worry,
uh, Tori can cover your shift.
You just get some rest.
Thanks, Glenn.
- Hey, is that Amy?
- Yeah.
She's got a terrible cold.
Oh, no. Hey, sweetie.
You sound terrible... shrill,
but in a different way.
Yeah... It's pretty bad.
Uh-huh. Hey, Ames, can
you hold on a sec?
- Yeah, she's faking.
- No, she is not.
Glenn, I love Amy like a sister,
and she is a liar and a
fraud, like my sister.
I'm still on, by the way.
Hey, sweetie!
You ignore her.
You just get well soon, okay?
Thank you.
So can I pretend to be sick
to miss school Monday?
No, this is different.
How?
It just is. It's an adult thing.
You'll understand someday.
Come on.
Hi...
Oh, my God, that's Jeff,
my district manager.
Why would he come all the way
out here to watch a movie?
I mean, I'm just
saying, we're friends,
so if you did play
hooky yesterday,
you can totally tell me.
I wasn't.
Are you sure you should
be drinking coffee?
Caffeine mixed with
cold medication
can have the same
effects as meth.
Really? I've never heard that.
Oh, it's true.
I guess...
Yeah, all of it.
Hey, Sandra. How's it going?
Pretty good. Someone
stole my cat again.
Excuse me, I'm having a
conversation with Amy.
I think we were all caught up.
Are we?
How are things, Sandra.
How's Jeff?
Great. He might
take me to Paris.
Aww, Paris? That
sounds so serious.
I hate Paris.
That place is just one
giant gay ashtray.
Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,
today is Cloud 9's
Wellness Fair,
where we're offering
vision tests,
blood pressure screenings,
and tips on living
your best, healthiest life.
Why go to a doctor when you
can get medical advice
from the same place
you get dish soap?
I love the Wellness Fair.
We're gonna save a
lot of lives today.
It's mostly handing out
informational pamphlets, right?
And buttons.
You know, I, uh... I
actually thought about
going to medical
school for a minute.
- No way.
- Yeah.
- I wanted be a doctor too.
- Really?
Yes, really.
Why is that a surprise?
It's not.
You don't think I
could be a doctor?
No, no-no-no.
Glenn, come on, no.
I just... I'm... I don't even
think I could be a doctor.
Oh... Not even you.
No, that's... I...
that's out of context.
I have to take these
buttons over there.
I love medicine. I
watch all those shows.
"I need 10ccs, stat."
"Prep the incubation tray."
"I can't have sex with you.
I'm an intern."
Yeah, that all sounds
pretty medically accurate.
Hey, guys,
if you knew that a friend's
boyfriend was cheating on her
with another one
of your friends,
would you say something?
Hmm, that's a tough one.
Is it Kylie or Emily?
Okay, look, I wasn't actually
home sick yesterday.
I went to the movies,
and I saw Jeff with... Mateo...
Kissing each other.
- Wow!
- Weird.
- Whoa.
- Hmm.
- Woof.
- Seriously?
This is your reaction?
Jeff is cheating on
Sandra with Mateo.
What do I do? Do I... do I...
do I talk to her?
Do I confront him?
Okay, here's what you do.
Nothing.
What? Come on.
Look, you don't
know the situation.
This is like "Jurassic Park."
You start messing
around with something
you don't know anything about,
and before you know it,
you're getting bit in half
while you're sitting
on the toilet.
It's true, Amy.
That's what happens.
Okay, thanks, guys.
- This was great.
- Mm-hmm.
Helpful. Thanks.
Should we just tell her
that Mateo's the one who's
been dating Jeff all along?
Nah, it's better just
to stay out of it.
People don't need to
know who's boning who.
Yeah.
- Do you wanna hear my lawyer?
- Mm-mm.
"Objection, your honor, he's
harassing the witness!"
"Oh, that's not a
judge, that's a bomb."
It must be so rewarding
to be a nurse.
Well, except when patients die.
That must be a real
kick in the shins, huh?
Uh-huh.
How many people
have you seen die?
I've seen, like, seven,
but I'm not sure it counts,
'cause it was all at once.
- Hey, uh, Glenn?
- Hm?
Jonah, I'm talking
medicine to this nurse.
Oh, I'm sorry, is
that offensive?
Do we say doctor now?
Only to doctors.
Hey, where should
I put these cups?
Put them over there
with the rest of them.
I set up a little juice
station at the entrance...
sort of a healthy treat to
get people in the mood.
You know, uh, juice actually
isn't that healthy.
Juice? It's from fruit.
It's like the healthiest
stuff on the planet.
He's right.
Fruit juice is
loaded with sugar.
Oh, good to know.
I guess Jonah's right,
and I'm something else.
Hey, uh, did you see that
documentary "Fed Up"?
- Oh, with Katie Couric?
- Yeah.
Loved it. Did you see
"Fork over Knife"?
Oh, my God. I... I was
devastated by it.
- Did you guys see "BABE
2: Pig in the City"?
I seem to have wound up with
two copies at my house.
I picked you up some samples.
There's like 50 condoms in here.
Show some gratitude.
They're for your penis.
- Thank you?
- You're welcome.
Now did Amy say anything to you
about what she was doing yesterday?
- No.
- Would you tell me if she did?
- No.
- You don't deserve these.
Okay, fine, I don't
like condoms anyway.
Well played. Now I
call first dibs,
but you can use those
with whoever you want...
I mean, me, someone
else, solo work.
Solo work?
So according to your
wellness chart,
you should shave that mustache.
- Can I see that?
- Shave it.
You'll thank me later.
Hey! What up, my... hm... Mateo?
- Okay?
- How's it hanging?
- Who you seeing?
- Oh, God.
Okay, can you please
stop trying to set me up
with your brother? Okay?
No offense,
maybe he just doesn't
photograph well.
Okay, look, I saw you
at the movie theater
yesterday with Jeff.
Can we please not
talk about this here?
Talk about what, Mateo?
The fact that I saw you
making out with
Sandra's boyfriend?
Okay.
He's not her boyfriend.
He's my boyfriend.
- What?
- I've been seeing him since October.
That doesn't make any sense.
No, you haven't.
That's us on a picnic.
That's us at the
pool in his hotel.
That's us as Nick Nolte
and Barbara Streisand
in "Prince of Tides."
What about Sandra?
She's just been saying she's
dating him to get attention.
Oh, my God. That is...
That is so...
Smart.
Sad.
Sad. Yes.
Well, could you just please
not say anything to anyone?
It wouldn't be good
if this got out.
No... yeah, obviously.
I wonder if they'll last,
because of the huge
age difference,
but I'm really excited.
- Hey, Ames, guess what?
- Huh?
Jeff's banging Mateo,
and Sandra's insane.
Don't tell anyone though.
Hey, Gare, guess what?
So neither one of you thought
it was worth mentioning
that Sandra's been making
it up the whole time?
Maybe it'll be good
for everyone to know.
Maybe Sandra will be happy.
Yeah, 'cause that's usually why
people with low self-esteem
commit to elaborate
lies for weeks...
'cause they just want
the truth to come out.
Okay, I can fix this.
I just need to gather
everybody who knows,
and then tell them.
Why aren't you listening to me?
Just do nothing.
It is the easiest
advice to take.
I do it, and I am thriving.
Man, that is true.
He's killing it.
Killing it.
♪
♪ I don't care if
Monday's blue ♪
♪ Tuesday's gray and
Wednesday too ♪
Hey, Glenn, you want a
little help with that?
Those things can be tricky.
It's okay, I know
how to ride a bike.
I've been doing it
since I was 19.
Oh, all right.
Yeah, you know what, I...
these things are ridiculous.
How 'bout I just help ya
maybe adjust some of the...
You know what? Why
don't you just adjust
your mouth to closed?
Okay, buddy?
I mean, what are you?
The president of bikes?
You... are you okay? Glenn?
Are you okay?
- Glenn?
- I'm okay.
Hey. Did Amy say anything to you
about where she was yesterday?
Uh, what? Uh, no, why?
Um... I don't know, you know.
She's always yap-yapping
about something.
You know, something
suspicious is going on.
What she described
to me yesterday...
I just can't even figure
out the mechanics of it.
Huh...
Attention, shoppers,
Cloud 9 is not
offering breast exams
as part of our Wellness Fair.
We have not hired
someone to do that,
and if we had, it would
not be a teenage boy
in a Twenty One Pilots T-shirt.
Shop safe.
These are slippery little
things, aren't they?
Yeah, well, it's tough.
You... you know what,
let me... let me just
go ahead and help ya.
No, but that's what I'm doing.
I'm a grownup.
Yeah, no, it's... it's fine.
I'm gonna take your foot,
and I'm gonna just slide
it into the cage, okay?
Just... just gonna slide it in.
That's the voice you use
with confused seniors.
Don't do that. No,
that's-I'm not doing...
This is just the way I talk.
Fine, you can do that foot.
- I'll work on this one, okay?
- No, Glenn, that's...
- That's not how a bike works.
- No!
- You must know that.
- They're not related.
- Left, right.
- No...
So she just invented the
entire relationship?
She's a maniac.
Ew, I just realized that
pair of Jeff's underwear
that she showed me probably
weren't even Jeff's.
That's so gross.
She's definitely
out of wine club.
Wait, you guys have a wine club?
Yeah, we're trying
to keep it small.
Look, this really is none
of your business, you know.
You... you don't even
know the whole story.
It you knew the whole story,
you wouldn't think
she was a maniac.
What's the whole story?
Don't do it.
The whole story is that
she did date Jeff.
It was very intense, and
then they broke up.
Yup, they broke up. It
happened on a Tuesday.
- See? Confirmation.
- So she got dumped,
but then lied and told everyone
they were still dating?
- Why would she do that?
- 'Cause she's a maniac.
No. That is a good question,
and we asked her that question,
and what she said
made a lot of sense.
She told us that...
She's pregnant.
And the raptors
have breached the fence.
- She's pregnant?
- Yes!
- Who's pregnant?
- Nobody.
- The maniac.
- Sandra.
Sandra? That is wonderful.
I knew it. You can
tell by the glow.
I always know.
- I'm gonna go congratulate her.
- No, no, Glenn,
uh, she doesn't want
anybody to know yet,
so we can't mention it to her.
Yeah, we should probably wait
'til she inevitably
starts showing.
Oh! We could plan a baby shower.
And what if the
theme was babies?
Or manufacturing?
Oh, I know. "Breaking Bad."
"Arabian Nights."
No one likes "Arabian Nights"!
Okay, no baby shower, guys.
You're making a big
deal out of this,
and she doesn't even know
if she's gonna keep it.
- What?
- Ooh.
No, you don't mean
she's gonna...
Uh-huh.
Yeah, she might do
it on a Wednesday.
Okay, we're good on the days.
Look at this.
Oh!
Oh! Bear-bear.
You know, sometimes I like
to walk around the store,
and just think of all the things
that make life wonderful.
You know, like, um, rivers
and lunch and soccer and...
Crime? No, not crime.
Uh, streams! Well, that's
a cousin of rivers.
And babies. I love babies.
- Horses?
- Sure, horses,
but what about babies? Yeah.
Babies are cute.
You'd make a great mommy.
- Thanks?
- Okay.
Let's keep walking.
Hey, what do you think
is the worst Supreme Court
decision of all time?
Maybe Glenn will just
not say anything.
Hey, guys, did you hear?
Sandra's pregnant with
my boyfriend's baby.
Oh, yeah, there's a
card going around.
This is why people
don't tell you things.
I'm gonna fix it.
Look, we could...
we could say that it was
a phantom pregnancy.
I've heard of that.
Sandra, this must be
a giant surprise for you.
Love, Garrett.
Okay, what if we say that
Jeff has a twin brother,
and Sandra has been dating him?
So the Jeff that Sandra's
been talking about
is Jeff's twin brother, Jeff?
- Yes.
- Oh, that sounds real.
Well, at least she's
thinking of things.
You guys are idiots.
Hey, you wanna donate
to a good cause?
I already told you, I'm not
paying to get you veneers.
Nah, it's for
Sandra's baby shower,
assuming she keeps it.
Wait, Sandra's pregnant?
Yeah, Jeff knocked her up,
then dumped her for Mateo.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Wow, I can't believe it.
Man, I wish I had the
stones to go both ways.
Can you imagine?
Two dudes... all gas, no brakes.
Yeah, totally.
But now imagine taking this
perfect little treasure,
and throwing it in the garbage.
Mm, mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Hey, hey, hey. How are we doing?
What's going on? What
are we talking about?
Nothing. Why don't you
mind your own business?
Oh, you know what, I will
mind my own business, Glenn,
as long as you don't mind
Sandra's right to choose
what she does with
her body, right?
I was thinking about getting
all the tattoos from "Moana."
And I support that decision,
because it's your choice.
Jonah, you might be book
smart and bike smart,
but you don't get to be
right about everything.
Well, in this
particular situation,
I think I am right, Glenn.
Oh, really? That... there's a
refreshing change of pace.
Yeah.
Well, the important thing is
it all worked out horribly.
About a baby in a garbage can.
♪ I will buy you
that big house ♪
♪ Way up in the west hills ♪
♪ I will buy you a new life ♪
If it was up to you,
we'd still be living
in the Stone Ages.
Oh, really? Well, if
it was up to you,
they'd be selling abortions
from vending machines.
Guys, guys, guys, maybe let's
not have this conversation
out here on the floor.
Jonah, you have no idea
the toll that an abortion
takes on a woman's body.
Oh, and childbirth is so easy.
Well, at least it's n...
Okay, ah, pretty sure
neither one of you guys...
You know what, Glenn?
This is what a
feminist looks like.
I'm a feminist! I'm a
big flaming feminist.
And that is our skit on
the abortion debate.
- We hope you enjoyed it.
- I can't...
Why doesn't he listen?
- Glenn?
- Are you okay?
- Oh, I feel very dizzy.
- Oh... no, no, no.
Can we get a doctor?
Where's that nurse?
Here just...
One day, totally fine.
Next day, so sick she
couldn't possibly work.
Day after that, fine again.
It could be lupus, Crohn's
disease, a parasite.
Honestly, I would
need a stool sample.
I can get one.
Okay, Glenn. Glenn?
I need you to hold
your hand like this,
and breathe through
alternating nostrils, okay?
Wow, how do you know
how to do that?
The Red Cross. I helped
earthquake-proof
a hospital in Haiti. Well,
bravo, it didn't work.
No, it was after the...
for the next one.
You'll see. I mean, I
hope you don't see.
I'm just gonna loosen
your tie right here.
No, stop telling me what to do!
Glenn, you need to do
what he's telling you.
No, I don't. He's stupid!
- Glenn...
- I'm gonna tighten my tie.
Okay. How's that
working out for ya?
- I feel perfectly good.
- Great.
It was just low blood sugar.
I shouldn't have tried
to quit drinking juice
cold turkey like that.
Great, okay, uh, also,
we have checked.
We don't seem to have
any training videos
about not discussing
abortion at work,
because we just thought
it was so obvious,
but you guys managed to
surprise us, so good job.
- Whoo!
- Don't lecture us
on being responsible
when we all know
what you did to Sandra.
Sandra... who's Sandra?
What?
Who's Sandra?
Just the woman who's pregnant
with your bi-racial child.
In his defense, Sandra is
extremely forgettable.
Remember when we left her at
Dave & Buster's on her birthday?
- Yeah.
- I'm not pregnant.
What?
- Oh, God, am I too late?
- What?
I'm very confused.
Wait, so you didn't
knock her up?
No, I'm gay.
Oh, yeah, right, you're
gay, and I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
Well, I am. I'm gay.
But you're so... blah.
Well, wait, then
who's dating Sandra?
I made it up.
I haven't been dating anyone.
I mean, nothing
here pops at all.
Why would you make
something like that up?
'Cause she's a maniac.
At first it was a
misunderstanding,
and then I just started
liking the attention.
For the first time in
my life, I was a star.
I'm the one who's
been dating Jeff.
Okay, the whole time...
- me-me-me-me-me.
- Um...
We were keeping that between us.
I just don't get it.
If you can be gay, that
means anyone can be gay.
Okay, well, you know,
cat's out of the bag.
Me and Jeff.
Does anybody have any questions?
Can we please keep
this in this room?
I'm not supposed to be dating
anybody from one of the stores.
But casual sex is okay, right?
'Cause I've been banging Garrett
on and off for a while now.
What?
Uh, that is correct.
- Whoa!
- Really?
And you... you didn't tell me?
I'm sorry, it just... we
haven't told anybody.
It's fine, I don't...
I don't care.
What has happened to this store?
Me. I happened.
This is me. This is my fault.
I opened the cage, or whatever.
I've never seen "Jurassic Park."
What?
Okay, that is not what we're
dealing with right now.
Look, I should not
have gotten involved.
Sandra, I'm really sorry.
No, I feel great.
No more lies. No more
credit card debt
from buying myself flowers.
I can cancel the
horse-drawn carriage.
I almost told you
a couple times.
I said it's fine.
♪ Life is a highway ♪
♪ I wanna ride it
all night long ♪
Sorry, I just got excited
to finally tell people.
No, it's okay.
I'm... I'm glad it's
finally public.
Okay.
Why are we in here?
I don't know.
Why are you whispering?
I don't know.
♪
♪ So sophisticated
I'm such a zero ♪
He's my boyfriend!
So that's why you didn't want me
talking about people's
love lives...
because you had a little
secret of your own.
Okay.
Are we gonna get a
destination wedding?
Like, how many cute little
Garrett-Dina babies
are you gonna have?
Garrett Junior?
Hey, Dina, Amy went to go see
"Lego Batman" yesterday.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
What in the name of
God is "Lego Batman"?
Wow, you're smoking now?
No, I'm just holding it.
- Ah.
- But I might as well start,
since everything I thought
I knew was wrong.
In five years,
they'll probably say
- smoking's good for you.
- Oh, no-no-no,
decades of research and...
You know what? You
might be right.
Nobody really knows anything.
You mind if I, uh...
It's nice.
You look really cool right now.
Yeah?
I'm sorry about
everything earlier.
I've been off today.
Going from two gallons of
juice a day to nothing
has been messing with my head.
Yeah, I get it.
I'm sorry too.
I just get sensitive,
because sometimes I think
you're smarter than me.
Oh, Glenn, come on, that's...
I know, it's silly.
You're probably always thinking
how much smarter I am than you.
Yuh-huh.
Hear ye! Hear ye!
I've come to deliver
the fair maiden Sandra
to good King Jeff.
Right here.
Couldn't get my deposit back.
See you tomorrow.
- My lady.
- Thank you.
Will you take me to the frozen
custard place at the mall?
uh, Tori can cover your shift.
You just get some rest.
Thanks, Glenn.
- Hey, is that Amy?
- Yeah.
She's got a terrible cold.
Oh, no. Hey, sweetie.
You sound terrible... shrill,
but in a different way.
Yeah... It's pretty bad.
Uh-huh. Hey, Ames, can
you hold on a sec?
- Yeah, she's faking.
- No, she is not.
Glenn, I love Amy like a sister,
and she is a liar and a
fraud, like my sister.
I'm still on, by the way.
Hey, sweetie!
You ignore her.
You just get well soon, okay?
Thank you.
So can I pretend to be sick
to miss school Monday?
No, this is different.
How?
It just is. It's an adult thing.
You'll understand someday.
Come on.
Hi...
Oh, my God, that's Jeff,
my district manager.
Why would he come all the way
out here to watch a movie?
I mean, I'm just
saying, we're friends,
so if you did play
hooky yesterday,
you can totally tell me.
I wasn't.
Are you sure you should
be drinking coffee?
Caffeine mixed with
cold medication
can have the same
effects as meth.
Really? I've never heard that.
Oh, it's true.
I guess...
Yeah, all of it.
Hey, Sandra. How's it going?
Pretty good. Someone
stole my cat again.
Excuse me, I'm having a
conversation with Amy.
I think we were all caught up.
Are we?
How are things, Sandra.
How's Jeff?
Great. He might
take me to Paris.
Aww, Paris? That
sounds so serious.
I hate Paris.
That place is just one
giant gay ashtray.
Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,
today is Cloud 9's
Wellness Fair,
where we're offering
vision tests,
blood pressure screenings,
and tips on living
your best, healthiest life.
Why go to a doctor when you
can get medical advice
from the same place
you get dish soap?
I love the Wellness Fair.
We're gonna save a
lot of lives today.
It's mostly handing out
informational pamphlets, right?
And buttons.
You know, I, uh... I
actually thought about
going to medical
school for a minute.
- No way.
- Yeah.
- I wanted be a doctor too.
- Really?
Yes, really.
Why is that a surprise?
It's not.
You don't think I
could be a doctor?
No, no-no-no.
Glenn, come on, no.
I just... I'm... I don't even
think I could be a doctor.
Oh... Not even you.
No, that's... I...
that's out of context.
I have to take these
buttons over there.
I love medicine. I
watch all those shows.
"I need 10ccs, stat."
"Prep the incubation tray."
"I can't have sex with you.
I'm an intern."
Yeah, that all sounds
pretty medically accurate.
Hey, guys,
if you knew that a friend's
boyfriend was cheating on her
with another one
of your friends,
would you say something?
Hmm, that's a tough one.
Is it Kylie or Emily?
Okay, look, I wasn't actually
home sick yesterday.
I went to the movies,
and I saw Jeff with... Mateo...
Kissing each other.
- Wow!
- Weird.
- Whoa.
- Hmm.
- Woof.
- Seriously?
This is your reaction?
Jeff is cheating on
Sandra with Mateo.
What do I do? Do I... do I...
do I talk to her?
Do I confront him?
Okay, here's what you do.
Nothing.
What? Come on.
Look, you don't
know the situation.
This is like "Jurassic Park."
You start messing
around with something
you don't know anything about,
and before you know it,
you're getting bit in half
while you're sitting
on the toilet.
It's true, Amy.
That's what happens.
Okay, thanks, guys.
- This was great.
- Mm-hmm.
Helpful. Thanks.
Should we just tell her
that Mateo's the one who's
been dating Jeff all along?
Nah, it's better just
to stay out of it.
People don't need to
know who's boning who.
Yeah.
- Do you wanna hear my lawyer?
- Mm-mm.
"Objection, your honor, he's
harassing the witness!"
"Oh, that's not a
judge, that's a bomb."
It must be so rewarding
to be a nurse.
Well, except when patients die.
That must be a real
kick in the shins, huh?
Uh-huh.
How many people
have you seen die?
I've seen, like, seven,
but I'm not sure it counts,
'cause it was all at once.
- Hey, uh, Glenn?
- Hm?
Jonah, I'm talking
medicine to this nurse.
Oh, I'm sorry, is
that offensive?
Do we say doctor now?
Only to doctors.
Hey, where should
I put these cups?
Put them over there
with the rest of them.
I set up a little juice
station at the entrance...
sort of a healthy treat to
get people in the mood.
You know, uh, juice actually
isn't that healthy.
Juice? It's from fruit.
It's like the healthiest
stuff on the planet.
He's right.
Fruit juice is
loaded with sugar.
Oh, good to know.
I guess Jonah's right,
and I'm something else.
Hey, uh, did you see that
documentary "Fed Up"?
- Oh, with Katie Couric?
- Yeah.
Loved it. Did you see
"Fork over Knife"?
Oh, my God. I... I was
devastated by it.
- Did you guys see "BABE
2: Pig in the City"?
I seem to have wound up with
two copies at my house.
I picked you up some samples.
There's like 50 condoms in here.
Show some gratitude.
They're for your penis.
- Thank you?
- You're welcome.
Now did Amy say anything to you
about what she was doing yesterday?
- No.
- Would you tell me if she did?
- No.
- You don't deserve these.
Okay, fine, I don't
like condoms anyway.
Well played. Now I
call first dibs,
but you can use those
with whoever you want...
I mean, me, someone
else, solo work.
Solo work?
So according to your
wellness chart,
you should shave that mustache.
- Can I see that?
- Shave it.
You'll thank me later.
Hey! What up, my... hm... Mateo?
- Okay?
- How's it hanging?
- Who you seeing?
- Oh, God.
Okay, can you please
stop trying to set me up
with your brother? Okay?
No offense,
maybe he just doesn't
photograph well.
Okay, look, I saw you
at the movie theater
yesterday with Jeff.
Can we please not
talk about this here?
Talk about what, Mateo?
The fact that I saw you
making out with
Sandra's boyfriend?
Okay.
He's not her boyfriend.
He's my boyfriend.
- What?
- I've been seeing him since October.
That doesn't make any sense.
No, you haven't.
That's us on a picnic.
That's us at the
pool in his hotel.
That's us as Nick Nolte
and Barbara Streisand
in "Prince of Tides."
What about Sandra?
She's just been saying she's
dating him to get attention.
Oh, my God. That is...
That is so...
Smart.
Sad.
Sad. Yes.
Well, could you just please
not say anything to anyone?
It wouldn't be good
if this got out.
No... yeah, obviously.
I wonder if they'll last,
because of the huge
age difference,
but I'm really excited.
- Hey, Ames, guess what?
- Huh?
Jeff's banging Mateo,
and Sandra's insane.
Don't tell anyone though.
Hey, Gare, guess what?
So neither one of you thought
it was worth mentioning
that Sandra's been making
it up the whole time?
Maybe it'll be good
for everyone to know.
Maybe Sandra will be happy.
Yeah, 'cause that's usually why
people with low self-esteem
commit to elaborate
lies for weeks...
'cause they just want
the truth to come out.
Okay, I can fix this.
I just need to gather
everybody who knows,
and then tell them.
Why aren't you listening to me?
Just do nothing.
It is the easiest
advice to take.
I do it, and I am thriving.
Man, that is true.
He's killing it.
Killing it.
♪
♪ I don't care if
Monday's blue ♪
♪ Tuesday's gray and
Wednesday too ♪
Hey, Glenn, you want a
little help with that?
Those things can be tricky.
It's okay, I know
how to ride a bike.
I've been doing it
since I was 19.
Oh, all right.
Yeah, you know what, I...
these things are ridiculous.
How 'bout I just help ya
maybe adjust some of the...
You know what? Why
don't you just adjust
your mouth to closed?
Okay, buddy?
I mean, what are you?
The president of bikes?
You... are you okay? Glenn?
Are you okay?
- Glenn?
- I'm okay.
Hey. Did Amy say anything to you
about where she was yesterday?
Uh, what? Uh, no, why?
Um... I don't know, you know.
She's always yap-yapping
about something.
You know, something
suspicious is going on.
What she described
to me yesterday...
I just can't even figure
out the mechanics of it.
Huh...
Attention, shoppers,
Cloud 9 is not
offering breast exams
as part of our Wellness Fair.
We have not hired
someone to do that,
and if we had, it would
not be a teenage boy
in a Twenty One Pilots T-shirt.
Shop safe.
These are slippery little
things, aren't they?
Yeah, well, it's tough.
You... you know what,
let me... let me just
go ahead and help ya.
No, but that's what I'm doing.
I'm a grownup.
Yeah, no, it's... it's fine.
I'm gonna take your foot,
and I'm gonna just slide
it into the cage, okay?
Just... just gonna slide it in.
That's the voice you use
with confused seniors.
Don't do that. No,
that's-I'm not doing...
This is just the way I talk.
Fine, you can do that foot.
- I'll work on this one, okay?
- No, Glenn, that's...
- That's not how a bike works.
- No!
- You must know that.
- They're not related.
- Left, right.
- No...
So she just invented the
entire relationship?
She's a maniac.
Ew, I just realized that
pair of Jeff's underwear
that she showed me probably
weren't even Jeff's.
That's so gross.
She's definitely
out of wine club.
Wait, you guys have a wine club?
Yeah, we're trying
to keep it small.
Look, this really is none
of your business, you know.
You... you don't even
know the whole story.
It you knew the whole story,
you wouldn't think
she was a maniac.
What's the whole story?
Don't do it.
The whole story is that
she did date Jeff.
It was very intense, and
then they broke up.
Yup, they broke up. It
happened on a Tuesday.
- See? Confirmation.
- So she got dumped,
but then lied and told everyone
they were still dating?
- Why would she do that?
- 'Cause she's a maniac.
No. That is a good question,
and we asked her that question,
and what she said
made a lot of sense.
She told us that...
She's pregnant.
And the raptors
have breached the fence.
- She's pregnant?
- Yes!
- Who's pregnant?
- Nobody.
- The maniac.
- Sandra.
Sandra? That is wonderful.
I knew it. You can
tell by the glow.
I always know.
- I'm gonna go congratulate her.
- No, no, Glenn,
uh, she doesn't want
anybody to know yet,
so we can't mention it to her.
Yeah, we should probably wait
'til she inevitably
starts showing.
Oh! We could plan a baby shower.
And what if the
theme was babies?
Or manufacturing?
Oh, I know. "Breaking Bad."
"Arabian Nights."
No one likes "Arabian Nights"!
Okay, no baby shower, guys.
You're making a big
deal out of this,
and she doesn't even know
if she's gonna keep it.
- What?
- Ooh.
No, you don't mean
she's gonna...
Uh-huh.
Yeah, she might do
it on a Wednesday.
Okay, we're good on the days.
Look at this.
Oh!
Oh! Bear-bear.
You know, sometimes I like
to walk around the store,
and just think of all the things
that make life wonderful.
You know, like, um, rivers
and lunch and soccer and...
Crime? No, not crime.
Uh, streams! Well, that's
a cousin of rivers.
And babies. I love babies.
- Horses?
- Sure, horses,
but what about babies? Yeah.
Babies are cute.
You'd make a great mommy.
- Thanks?
- Okay.
Let's keep walking.
Hey, what do you think
is the worst Supreme Court
decision of all time?
Maybe Glenn will just
not say anything.
Hey, guys, did you hear?
Sandra's pregnant with
my boyfriend's baby.
Oh, yeah, there's a
card going around.
This is why people
don't tell you things.
I'm gonna fix it.
Look, we could...
we could say that it was
a phantom pregnancy.
I've heard of that.
Sandra, this must be
a giant surprise for you.
Love, Garrett.
Okay, what if we say that
Jeff has a twin brother,
and Sandra has been dating him?
So the Jeff that Sandra's
been talking about
is Jeff's twin brother, Jeff?
- Yes.
- Oh, that sounds real.
Well, at least she's
thinking of things.
You guys are idiots.
Hey, you wanna donate
to a good cause?
I already told you, I'm not
paying to get you veneers.
Nah, it's for
Sandra's baby shower,
assuming she keeps it.
Wait, Sandra's pregnant?
Yeah, Jeff knocked her up,
then dumped her for Mateo.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Wow, I can't believe it.
Man, I wish I had the
stones to go both ways.
Can you imagine?
Two dudes... all gas, no brakes.
Yeah, totally.
But now imagine taking this
perfect little treasure,
and throwing it in the garbage.
Mm, mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Hey, hey, hey. How are we doing?
What's going on? What
are we talking about?
Nothing. Why don't you
mind your own business?
Oh, you know what, I will
mind my own business, Glenn,
as long as you don't mind
Sandra's right to choose
what she does with
her body, right?
I was thinking about getting
all the tattoos from "Moana."
And I support that decision,
because it's your choice.
Jonah, you might be book
smart and bike smart,
but you don't get to be
right about everything.
Well, in this
particular situation,
I think I am right, Glenn.
Oh, really? That... there's a
refreshing change of pace.
Yeah.
Well, the important thing is
it all worked out horribly.
About a baby in a garbage can.
♪ I will buy you
that big house ♪
♪ Way up in the west hills ♪
♪ I will buy you a new life ♪
If it was up to you,
we'd still be living
in the Stone Ages.
Oh, really? Well, if
it was up to you,
they'd be selling abortions
from vending machines.
Guys, guys, guys, maybe let's
not have this conversation
out here on the floor.
Jonah, you have no idea
the toll that an abortion
takes on a woman's body.
Oh, and childbirth is so easy.
Well, at least it's n...
Okay, ah, pretty sure
neither one of you guys...
You know what, Glenn?
This is what a
feminist looks like.
I'm a feminist! I'm a
big flaming feminist.
And that is our skit on
the abortion debate.
- We hope you enjoyed it.
- I can't...
Why doesn't he listen?
- Glenn?
- Are you okay?
- Oh, I feel very dizzy.
- Oh... no, no, no.
Can we get a doctor?
Where's that nurse?
Here just...
One day, totally fine.
Next day, so sick she
couldn't possibly work.
Day after that, fine again.
It could be lupus, Crohn's
disease, a parasite.
Honestly, I would
need a stool sample.
I can get one.
Okay, Glenn. Glenn?
I need you to hold
your hand like this,
and breathe through
alternating nostrils, okay?
Wow, how do you know
how to do that?
The Red Cross. I helped
earthquake-proof
a hospital in Haiti. Well,
bravo, it didn't work.
No, it was after the...
for the next one.
You'll see. I mean, I
hope you don't see.
I'm just gonna loosen
your tie right here.
No, stop telling me what to do!
Glenn, you need to do
what he's telling you.
No, I don't. He's stupid!
- Glenn...
- I'm gonna tighten my tie.
Okay. How's that
working out for ya?
- I feel perfectly good.
- Great.
It was just low blood sugar.
I shouldn't have tried
to quit drinking juice
cold turkey like that.
Great, okay, uh, also,
we have checked.
We don't seem to have
any training videos
about not discussing
abortion at work,
because we just thought
it was so obvious,
but you guys managed to
surprise us, so good job.
- Whoo!
- Don't lecture us
on being responsible
when we all know
what you did to Sandra.
Sandra... who's Sandra?
What?
Who's Sandra?
Just the woman who's pregnant
with your bi-racial child.
In his defense, Sandra is
extremely forgettable.
Remember when we left her at
Dave & Buster's on her birthday?
- Yeah.
- I'm not pregnant.
What?
- Oh, God, am I too late?
- What?
I'm very confused.
Wait, so you didn't
knock her up?
No, I'm gay.
Oh, yeah, right, you're
gay, and I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
Well, I am. I'm gay.
But you're so... blah.
Well, wait, then
who's dating Sandra?
I made it up.
I haven't been dating anyone.
I mean, nothing
here pops at all.
Why would you make
something like that up?
'Cause she's a maniac.
At first it was a
misunderstanding,
and then I just started
liking the attention.
For the first time in
my life, I was a star.
I'm the one who's
been dating Jeff.
Okay, the whole time...
- me-me-me-me-me.
- Um...
We were keeping that between us.
I just don't get it.
If you can be gay, that
means anyone can be gay.
Okay, well, you know,
cat's out of the bag.
Me and Jeff.
Does anybody have any questions?
Can we please keep
this in this room?
I'm not supposed to be dating
anybody from one of the stores.
But casual sex is okay, right?
'Cause I've been banging Garrett
on and off for a while now.
What?
Uh, that is correct.
- Whoa!
- Really?
And you... you didn't tell me?
I'm sorry, it just... we
haven't told anybody.
It's fine, I don't...
I don't care.
What has happened to this store?
Me. I happened.
This is me. This is my fault.
I opened the cage, or whatever.
I've never seen "Jurassic Park."
What?
Okay, that is not what we're
dealing with right now.
Look, I should not
have gotten involved.
Sandra, I'm really sorry.
No, I feel great.
No more lies. No more
credit card debt
from buying myself flowers.
I can cancel the
horse-drawn carriage.
I almost told you
a couple times.
I said it's fine.
♪ Life is a highway ♪
♪ I wanna ride it
all night long ♪
Sorry, I just got excited
to finally tell people.
No, it's okay.
I'm... I'm glad it's
finally public.
Okay.
Why are we in here?
I don't know.
Why are you whispering?
I don't know.
♪
♪ So sophisticated
I'm such a zero ♪
He's my boyfriend!
So that's why you didn't want me
talking about people's
love lives...
because you had a little
secret of your own.
Okay.
Are we gonna get a
destination wedding?
Like, how many cute little
Garrett-Dina babies
are you gonna have?
Garrett Junior?
Hey, Dina, Amy went to go see
"Lego Batman" yesterday.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
What in the name of
God is "Lego Batman"?
Wow, you're smoking now?
No, I'm just holding it.
- Ah.
- But I might as well start,
since everything I thought
I knew was wrong.
In five years,
they'll probably say
- smoking's good for you.
- Oh, no-no-no,
decades of research and...
You know what? You
might be right.
Nobody really knows anything.
You mind if I, uh...
It's nice.
You look really cool right now.
Yeah?
I'm sorry about
everything earlier.
I've been off today.
Going from two gallons of
juice a day to nothing
has been messing with my head.
Yeah, I get it.
I'm sorry too.
I just get sensitive,
because sometimes I think
you're smarter than me.
Oh, Glenn, come on, that's...
I know, it's silly.
You're probably always thinking
how much smarter I am than you.
Yuh-huh.
Hear ye! Hear ye!
I've come to deliver
the fair maiden Sandra
to good King Jeff.
Right here.
Couldn't get my deposit back.
See you tomorrow.
- My lady.
- Thank you.
Will you take me to the frozen
custard place at the mall?